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Memories

I got caught in a rabbit hole the other day when I was busy researching a movie I know that I will never choose to see. The movie is the new horror phenom called Backrooms, produced by a young man in his early twenties. I have not seen a true horror film in over a decade (I don’t mind thrillers, but pure horror films are not good for my psyche, nor for anyone who has to be around me (for weeks and weeks and weeks) after I have viewed one) What intrigued me the most during my exploration of my crazy little, pointless rabbit hole, was a comment made by someone underneath the movie trailer. The comment was this:

“They say when you remember something you aren’t recalling the original event, you’re just recalling the last time you remembered it. So it’s always going to be a little different every time.”

I don’t know if this statement is true or not. My husband detests when I start any conversation with “They say . . .” He is one who quickly asks, “Who’s “they”?” However, I have a hunch that the above statement does have a lot of truth to it. My youngest son was recently on a jury, and he stated that the most muddling part in the jury’s deliberations, was just how much the recollection of the details of the story of the event, had changed over the years.

Wouldn’t your current emotional state of being and your current state of affairs have a large effect on how you perceive not only what is happening now (and what you hope to have happen in the future), but also have a large effect on any memories which you currently bring to the forefront of your mind? When I am remembering past happenings, it always strikes me as unusual as to what actually has stuck out for me in any particular memory. Sometimes seemingly meaningless objects or statements are what sticks in my memory bank, the most. I’ve noticed as I’ve aged that my short term memory (which has never been my strong point to begin with) seems to worsen, yet I often surprise myself with what my long term memory is able to recall.

“They say” (ha!) when you’re focused on your past, you tend to live either in regret or in fantasy of a romanticized past, and when you are focused on the future, you are swarming yourself in anxiety. In today’s fast-paced, technologically focused world, mental health practitioners continually preach the power of staying present. We all know the wisdom of presence, but practicing it regularly, for some reason, is not an easy task for most of us. Maybe we don’t love our peaceful states of being, as much as we pretend that we do. Maybe being “peaceful” bores us. Perhaps we like to embellish our memories or freak out about our futures, because we like the the thrill of intense emotion more than we like to admit. Maybe being the narrator of our stories makes us feel like we have more control of ourselves and our lives than we really do? I don’t really know. I bet “they” know . . . . .

“We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” – Cesare Pavese

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.” – Oscar Wilde

“What am I? … The sum of my past experiences, tied up together in a bundle with the string we call memory.” – H. G. Wells

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Vibration

This is the time of year for commencement speeches. And I’m a sucker for them. I remember years (and years and years) ago, I was on a team of college textbooks salespeople, and we were at a convention with a long schedule of motivational speakers. My boss groaned at the start of every speech. And I pretended to agree, but honestly, I was rapt. I’m always looking for nuggets of wisdom. I’m always looking for the emotional connection of a room full of people resonating with the same ideas and the same values. I love the shared rhythm of nodding heads and hands wiping away tears, sometimes in unison.

My aunt sent me Eric Church’s 2026 commencement speech for UNC and I just finished watching Conan O’Brien’s 2026 commencement for Harvard. They both used their unique talents of music and of comedy to make poignant points in their speeches. They both spoke of the vital need for humility. They both spoke of the reality of how much difference, the other people in any one person’s life make (even the haters), to form anyone’s individual success in life. Two men, from two very different walks of life and probably having many different ideas about life and politics, still spoke mostly of the things that matter the most, to most of us. And it resonated.

Maybe there is a deep universal reason why we so desperately cling to the rituals of life. I just attended the last commencement (at least for a while) of our four children, when our daughter graduated from college this month. I also just attended my eldest son’s wedding. And in both of these situations, I felt the borders of myself getting fuzzy, like I had melted and I was stirred in with everyone else who was attending these events with me. I felt like I melted into a sea of shared pride, hope, awe, and understanding that it is in these stirring moments in life, when we unabashedly let emotion rise to the surface like a wave, that we really all are connected in the ways that are truly crucial to our humanity. People sometimes have a hard time with the concept that everything in this world is really just energy vibrating, and we are all just a small little blip of this vibration. Still, it is in the “big” rituals of our lives that we all seem to naturally step into this same vibration, and that vibration is universally understood. We all feel it. We all know it. It can only be love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Formula for a Great Life

“winning = knowing the most love. I know you just threw up a little bit in your mouth but I have to tell you the truth and that is it. If you know how to love people with abandon and you know how to let people love you back, you will have a great life. That’s not my opinion. That’s not fake news. That’s what the research tells us.” – from Kelly Corrigan’s commencement address

I think this is why people love weddings. Love wins at weddings. People are so open about their joy and their happiness and their love for each other at weddings. People more easily put away their differences, their insecurities, their inhibitions and their self-consciousness while celebrating a marriage. People show their love for each other with great abandon at weddings and everyone feels the celebration and the connection. Kelly Corrigan makes a great point, though. Sometimes it is really easy to love others, but it is harder to let other people love you back. But that’s not the meaning and fullness of love. When you don’t let others love you, you are robbing them of sharing their lovingness. Love is not a one-way street. Love is. Love has created everything. Love is all that there really is, and when you live your life, knowing that formula, not just at weddings or other celebratory events, but in every conscious moment of your daily living, you can’t help but have a great life. There is no better feeling, no better way of being than to throw caution to the wind, and to inhabit and to become love, with wild abandon, every single day of your life. If you don’t think that your life is going so great, try adding some love to the mix. Try narrowing down your everyday life to what makes you feel loved, loving and in the essence of love. The formula works and it is available to all of us. It is the natural core of our very being.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Anesthesia

My daughter-in-law hired a “day of wedding coordinator” named Anastasia for the wedding last week. My daughter-in-law’s mother’s Autocorrect feature on her cellphone, constantly changed the name “Anastasia” to “Anesthesia”, which while amusing, was actually quite apropos. I don’t know if I have ever met a more calm, soothing, serene woman than Anastasia in my entire life, particularly at a wedding. Anastasia was like an eight-armed goddess as she sewed, handed out flowers, took instant photos, steamed dresses, and calmly reminded everyone where they should be at any given time, all at once, and all of the while, maintaining the aura of pure peace and serenity. Whenever we had a question or concern, we would joke with each other that Anastasia would magically, and instantly appear, sometimes out of the fireplace, or the floorboards, to answer the question or to solve the problem, calmly and confidently. It reminded me of a long time ago, when we were on the Disney Cruise with our four young children. It was at that time that I started truly believing that Disney magic was actually the real deal, when again, the beyond cheerful crew and smiling staff appeared almost miraculously and instantly, in order to solve any issues or upsets, with just a wave of Tinkerbell’s wand. Throughout the day and night, my daughter-in-law kept repeating that Anastasia was easily the best money spent on the wedding.

It was at one point during the evening, right before the wedding was to start, that I blurted out, for no particular reason, “I WANT an Anastasia in my life.” Then, a second later, in a lightbulb moment, I blurted out, to no one in particular, but to anyone in earshot, “I think that I am my family’s Anastasia.”

My middle son, about to take a bite out of a piece of the pre-wedding pizza, matter-of-factly stated, “You are, Mom.” Then he continued to joke around with the other groomsmen.

This was one of those personal a-ha moments that came out of left field for me. It occurred to me, just in that very moment, that our family always did have a live-in Anastasia. It was me. We moms are our families’ “Anastasia/Anesthesia”. Now I’m not going to pretend that I ever pulled it off with such placid and tranquil vibes that the real Anastasia imbued. I’m not go to pretend that I never had a meltdown in a crisis. But overall, I fully understood that it was my job to make sure that our family’s schedule/celebrations/sporting events/ceremonies/appointments/feeding times/surprise emergencies, etc. etc. were all handled, and executed in a timely manner, day after day. I was the one who made sure that the Venn Diagram schedule of each member of our family, happened and flowed, in the best way possible. And all of my other fellow moms did the exact same thing for their families. And sometimes, we even pulled it off, with totally unruffled energy, making it look simple and seamless. Damn, we were good. Damn. We are good.

When our four kids were little, it was never the physical work that made me totally exhausted (although it certainly added to the mix), it was the mental exhaustion that got to me every time. I would often wish that someone would just hand me a timed schedule, and a to-do list, and a recipe and a plan for what to make for dinner, all which I could accomplish in a tranced-out robotic state and still have time and energy for my own interests and hobbies. (My husband will be forever scarred by the one time that he called me at a McDonalds to ask me what exactly he should order for each of the four kids, on a rare Mommy’s Night Out. Let’s just say that I didn’t have a serene response.)

I’m not writing this in “victim-mode.” This choice to be the matriarch of my family is the best decision that I have ever made in my entire life. I would make the exact same decision again and again. Being the female head of my family, is my honor, privilege and my greatest pride. However, lately, I am starting to get a better understanding and a closer-up glimpse, that it really is time for me to start pulling way back, scaling down my self-described duties, in order to just really put my focus on being a lighter-duty Anastasia – a concierge, mostly for myself. This is a strange adjustment. This transition doesn’t happen instantly. It starts slowly when one kid moves out, and then another. It becomes more obvious, when the kids graduate and find loving, responsible adult partners who are looking out for them, too. It’s the realization that the grocery cart doesn’t need to be nearly as full anymore. It’s the mental and emotional shift of being an active creator of the life of your family unit, to becoming the more passive experiencer/observer of the expanding lives of your family. It’s the realization that your family has now become plural. There are multiple sprouts growing in the family garden now. Your family is becoming “families.”

As a mom, I will always be an Anastasia/Anesthesia in some form or other. It comes with the territory. It’s a hard habit to break. Something tells me, I’ll pull off a serene Anastasia a little bit better with my future grandchildren. I certainly hope that I have the opportunity to try.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ I am finally coming back down off of my cloud, into my equilibrium, after the excitement and emotion of our son’s and daughter-in-law’s wedding festivities of last week. There is no doubt to me, that our minds, bodies and spirits are tightly woven and affect each other greatly. I was a tight bundle of nerves before the events occurred (my cranky neck kept reminding me of this fact), and then I unraveled into the glorious joy of the occasion, and now I have finally settled into my normal, balanced state of being. It’s a process that I have observed again and again, throughout the years of raising our family. The goal is always to get back into homeostasis, to get that triangle of mind/body/spirit back into its equilateral state, as naturally and calmly as you can.

+ I have two excellent recommendations. Last night, my husband, daughter and I watched Sally Field’s latest movie, Remarkably Bright Creatures. This is one of the most touching, heartwarming films I have experienced in a long time. It also features Lewis Pullman, who is the son of the actor Bill Pullman. My husband and I have always been big fans of Bill Pullman, and I didn’t realize that Lewis was his son until after the movie, but throughout watching the film, I kept thinking, I know this actor from somewhere. I recognize him. It’s always amazing to see the likeness and the mannerisms of a father in a son. It’s inescapable in a beautiful way. The other recommendation is the book The Calamity Club by Kathryn Stockett. Kathryn Stockett is the writer who wrote The Help and this is her first book written since (17 years ago!). I couldn’t put The Calamity Club down. It’s an excellent, engaging book. It proved to be a wonderful distraction for my nerves, during down time, throughout the wedding week. I have no doubts that The Calamity Club will make the big screen, as well.

+ I have been reading a book about the Kahuna philosophy. The Kahunas in the Hawaiian tribes were the high priests. Kahuna literally means “keeper of hidden knowledge.” The main premise by which the Kahunas live by is “Harm No One With Hate.” Invariably, we will all cause harm at times, often unintentionally. The Kahunas believe that intention is the most important element of any action. You can accidentally hit and thus, kill a squirrel, while driving on the road, but that is not something which you should then harm yourself with guilt and angst about. You didn’t harm the squirrel with hateful intention. The Kahunas also believe that you cannot escape “karma” in the sense that your subconscious is always aware of your actual intentions in all that you do. So, it is always your subconscious, that is going to find away to “punish/instruct/redirect you” when you cause harm intentionally, and that often manifests in reality with what we like to call “karma.” Like many belief systems, the Kahunas believed that the path to spiritual enlightenment, was to practice meditation to the point that you are completely self-aware, thus understanding where all your wants/inclinations/reactions/beliefs are coming from, and thus making you able to act and to live from a fully integrated, completely conscious state.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Last Week It Happened

It happened. The first of our four children, our eldest son, got married last week. It was the first marriage of any of our children. If you think that your own wedding was lovely and magical, you can’t even imagine how incredibly magical the marriages of your own children will be! I’m still floating on a cloud. I am still thanking the Powers That Be, for the pure foundation of love our son has found and created with his beautiful bride. I am still thanking the Powers That Be that our whole family has been a witness to their beautiful love and the divine ceremony and celebration that cemented their wonderful union. We are so very blessed and I feel it tingling in every cell of my body.

“A bride is the most beautiful poem ever written…” – Oscar Wilde

“To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” – Mark Twain

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” – Nat King Cole

I have often told myself, in these most recent years in which our children have grown up into adulthood, that my job now is narrowed down to just love my family. Love them. Love them. Love them. I have already birthed them, fed them, guided them, taught them, scolded them, protected them, prayed for them (this will be ceaseless), sheltered them, prodded them, cheered them, advised them, comforted them, fought for them, and occasionally even apologized to them for my shortcomings, and now, our four amazing adult children are capable to do all of these things for themselves and for each other. I just need to narrow my motherly duties down to Love now. And this is the easiest thing for me to do. It comes naturally. Love them. Love them. Love them. I love my family ceaselessly and I am so grateful for the outward celebration of our love that was experienced, happily and beautifully, just a few short days ago.

“I think that enduring, committed love… is the most noble act anyone can aspire to.” – Nicholas Sparks

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Savoring

Our youngest graduated from college last weekend. Our eldest son gets married next week. This week has been a combination of wrapping up loose ends/taking an exhale/and recharging the batteries. As I have been waking up slowly each morning, I’ve envisioned my bed as a soft, safe charger, much like my iPhone gets charged each night. I’ve insisted on going to bed early and keeping the schedule light this week. The graduation and its celebration went off magically. And I am pleased and I am relieved. I am hoping the same for the upcoming nuptials. I’m honestly relieved that the wedding is finally around the corner. When I’ve mentioned this pining for months now, to anyone in earshot of me, that I really can’t wait for the big events of this year to just be here (we have another son getting married in September), I get a lot of admonishment to not wish my life away, and to just totally savor it all. And this annoys me a lot. This annoys me because I am a savorer. I pride myself in that fact. I savor my life and most of the moments in it, but too much anticipation gets to me every time. And not in a good way. I do not do well with “limbo”. I savored my daughter’s recent graduation AND I am relieved and happy to have it completed successfully. I relish in the surety of a plan that is well executed and is then relegated to being a fond memory. I don’t feel too sad when planned events, vacations, reunions, celebrations, etc. are over because I know that there will always be more (and this is because I am a savorer and I have proof of that in my many, many, many savored memories). Like the quote below says, once you’ve added an experience to your memory bank, it’s yours. It cannot be lost. It’s in your “vault of you.” Your experiences become shapers of you. Maybe that’s why I hate limbo. I keep wanting to pull all of the scattered pieces of myself, past and future, back into myself. It’s like my future self can see ahead and is always yearning to be more and more fully and wholly me.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

“The Safe Box”

Soon, I will be handing you the safe box of your life,

Similar to the ones I gave to your brothers when they embarked fully

into the horizon of their own adult lives.

The safe box will hold your birth certificate,

A paper token of the most intimate moment, you and I ever shared.

The safe box will hold your passport,

A stamped pamphlet of epic family adventures,

And brave escapades of your study abroad experience,

that you ventured out on your own, sending apprehension to the wind.

(I am so proud of your courage and your unapologetic lust for life.)

It will hold the aquamarine I purchased for you when you were a toddler,

A gem, for a gem of a girl who has turned into a dazzling, sparkler of a woman,

as I knew you would.

The safe box will later hold signs and tokens of major moments in your life to come:

Marriage certificate, deeds to homes, birth certificates of my grandchildren yet to be.

I now pass the safe box of your life fully unto you, for your own good keeping.

The time is now.

You are ready. (And I am trying to be ready, too.)

Please hold tightly to the safe box of your life. Keep it secure.

It holds important things and tools to lead your life fully and freely.

But most importantly, it holds a piece of my heart that will never, ever leave you.

No, that’s not really true.

That little, vital piece of my heart was never really ever kept in the safe box.

That ferociously beating little piece of my heart always was,

And it will ever and always be,

with you, my precious baby girl.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Time, Heart, Action

Hello friends. I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing much. Crunch time is upon our family with my youngest’s graduation from college and my eldest’s wedding, both in a few weeks from now. However, I came across this quote the other day and I knew that I wanted it as a new exhibit here at our thought museum, Adulting – Second Half. It is attributed to Ziad K. Abdelnour. See below:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

What Makes It Work

“Shared values are far more important than shared interests.” – Nancy Caciola

The above quote is true of any relationship, romantic or platonic. You trust and respect people who share your same values and you get inspired by, or at the very least, curious about the many varied interests and passions and hobbies that different people have, which occupy their time and minds. Having different interests keeps things intriguing and vital, but having different values, keeps things guarded and suspicious and often disappointing. You usually can tell people who share your same values because people put most of their time and energy and resources into what matters to them most. You usually just feel intuitively more natural and comfortable when in the company of people who share your same values. You typically feel drained or on edge or even defensive, with people who don’t share the same values as you. However, the worst you ever feel with someone who has different interests than you, is perhaps nothing more than a little bored.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.