Tag: children

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ A wise friend recently gave me this tip when it comes to intrusive rumination. She said, “Envision a box or a file in your brain. When the same old worry thought shows up to be “solved” (Ha!) and ruminated on, tell yourself this, ‘I will put this thought in the box and I’ll take this thought back out, only when it serves me’. You will find that you will never need that particular thought again, ever.” (spoiler alert- these types of thoughts never serve you in a good way) I know that this trick sounds silly, but I’ve tried it, and it works. There’s apparently a science to it. First, this tip makes you notice and stop the thought train in its tracks, and second, it tricks the brain into believing that it is still “taking care of things” by keeping the thought “filed” for future use.

+ “We don’t need to save other people. We need to save ourselves from the belief that we need to save other people.” – Cheri Huber I think a lot of women, particularly us mothers, may have a tinge of “savior complex.” I know that I do. It comes from a good place and a noble motivation. Everything I’ve struggled with, I want to “save” the others whom I love, from the work and the angst and the fear and the heartbreak and the frustration and the shame and the doubts, that came from my ordeals. But if I’m honest with myself, some of my favorite traits of myself – resilience, authenticity, creativity, faithfulness, empathy, optimism, foresightedness, etc. were the outcomes of going through some of the toughest situations which I have ever endured. Fire forges steel. Why would I want to rob anyone whom I care about, the chance to meet their absolute best selves? Why would I want to make anyone I care about feel like they weren’t capable and best suited for taking care of themselves and creating their own unique lives, exactly as they see fit? Isn’t it a tad presumptuous and controlling to believe that anyone needs saving, and I am the one (wearing the cape) to do it? Isn’t the project of “me” enough for one lifetime?

+ “We won’t be distracted by comparison, if we’re captivated with purpose.” – Bob Goff

“Avarice never wrote a good novel; hate did not paint The Birth of Venus; nor did envy reveal to us that the squares of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the two sides. Every creation of humankind’s mind that has stood the buffering of time was born of love – love of something or someone.” – Harper Lee

For most of my adult life, I have felt really purposeful about co-creating a healthy marriage and successfully raising a large family. There were trajectories in my husband’s and my heritages that we wanted to keep, and also ones that we desperately wanted to change. My purpose of creating and growing my family to adulthood was born of love – the greatest love that I have ever felt in my life. My love will always be a bedrock for my family, but now that my children are grown, I can focus more on other personal purposes in my life. When I write, I am captivated with purpose. This blog was born of love and it remains full of love. I love the action of writing. I love you, my readers, for validating the blog and it’s existence and the existence of my creations, just by being here and reading and witnessing. The “thought trick” that I wrote about in my first bullet point, is a really good tool to use, to make sure you are staying on the track of living out your life’s purposes. Purpose feels good and natural. It feels captivating and sometimes even feels time-stopping. Purpose is born out of love. Anything else that comes up that isn’t a compliment to your sense of purpose, needs to be put in the proverbial “box/file”. These negative thoughts and the painful emotions that inevitably come with these thoughts are not part of your purpose. The things/thoughts which you deep down know need to be put into that box (distraction, comparison, rumination, avarice, hate, envy) – these things DO NOT SERVE. These things are not born of love, they are not part of your purpose and therefore, they will not survive the buffering of time. Love is eternal. Love is. All else passes away.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Last Week It Happened

It happened. The first of our four children, our eldest son, got married last week. It was the first marriage of any of our children. If you think that your own wedding was lovely and magical, you can’t even imagine how incredibly magical the marriages of your own children will be! I’m still floating on a cloud. I am still thanking the Powers That Be, for the pure foundation of love our son has found and created with his beautiful bride. I am still thanking the Powers That Be that our whole family has been a witness to their beautiful love and the divine ceremony and celebration that cemented their wonderful union. We are so very blessed and I feel it tingling in every cell of my body.

“A bride is the most beautiful poem ever written…” – Oscar Wilde

“To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” – Mark Twain

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” – Nat King Cole

I have often told myself, in these most recent years in which our children have grown up into adulthood, that my job now is narrowed down to just love my family. Love them. Love them. Love them. I have already birthed them, fed them, guided them, taught them, scolded them, protected them, prayed for them (this will be ceaseless), sheltered them, prodded them, cheered them, advised them, comforted them, fought for them, and occasionally even apologized to them for my shortcomings, and now, our four amazing adult children are capable to do all of these things for themselves and for each other. I just need to narrow my motherly duties down to Love now. And this is the easiest thing for me to do. It comes naturally. Love them. Love them. Love them. I love my family ceaselessly and I am so grateful for the outward celebration of our love that was experienced, happily and beautifully, just a few short days ago.

“I think that enduring, committed love… is the most noble act anyone can aspire to.” – Nicholas Sparks

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Happy Mother’s Day! I know a lot of my readers are mothers, and truly wonderful mothers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And to my own beautiful four children, you make me so proud. I love you with all of my heart. It is my greatest joy and privilege to be your mother. Last night, my husband and I attended a wedding and as I looked around at everyone and mingled with people I’ve known for several years, it occurred to me that every stage of mother was in that room. There were pregnant women, women with their first babies, and a young woman talking about being at her child’s little league game, late into the night, on her own birthday (and every one of us mothers, whom she was telling the story to, were nodding in knowing recognition and understanding). There were the proud, excited middle-aged mothers of the bride and the groom, and there was a table of older women, presumably grandmothers and maybe even great-grandmothers. Maybe the reason why weddings have such beautiful energy and an aura of hopefulness like no other event, is because they are filled with strong women who deeply understand what it is like to be a willing, unending, unbreakable channel of the Universe’s greatest Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

733. What was your last big achievement?

The Cord

****Happy Birthday, A! I love you with all of my heart. I’m so proud of you. <3 (No more teenagers in the house.)

When you have children, you want to pour everything that you have into them – your love, your time, your presence, your resources, your hopes, your wisdom, your strength, your intuition . . . . .You want to keep the hardy stream, flowing from the umbilical cord, even though it has long been cut. And then sometimes you get glimpses that your children have incorporated everything that you had to give them into their own selves and yet also they have aspects of themselves that you just can’t help but marvel at, and you know that these added gifts come from a Source so much greater than just you. And then you feel so instantly proud, secure, grateful, and full of awe and amazement. You know that your own cord is just one of the cords that has been, and will forever be, the channel of goodness to your precious children, and your only prayer is that they accept all of the love – all of it, especially the Love which is unfathomably, even greater than your own.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

741. What can people count on you for?

Saturday’s Snippets

+ We just dropped our eldest son and his girlfriend at the airport after a lovely visit with them. That’s something you never quite get used to with your children, from the moment they leave your womb . . . . the letting go and the saying good-bye. But the reunions are always so wonderful. Like so many things in life, it’s two sides of the same coin.

+ We have our first grand-dog!! Our middle son and his girlfriend adopted a “furry Frenchie” from a rescue. He is beyond adorable! Frenchies do the “zoomies” like no other dog can do. Until I get an actual grandchild, I plan to be as obnoxious as I was last night, passing on videos of our “grand-dog” to anyone who will watch them. (or at least politely pretend to)

+ I learned a new wonderful word the other day. It is a German word. The word is “Nachkussen”. It means to do the kind of kissing which compensates for the lack of passionate kissing that has been needing to happen between two lovers for a while. Purposely schedule some “Nachkussen” with your baby tonight and then thank me in my Comments section tomorrow. (I want to see a lot of gratitude . . . .)

+ The author, columnist and poet Rob Brezsny said that one of the best compliments that he ever received was from one of his readers who said to him, “I want you to know how often your process of being yourself has helped me in the process of being me.” By being fully and truly your entire authentic self, you give others permission to do the same. How beautiful and inspiring! This is how we become “wayshowers.”

“Wayshowing means showing others the way by simply awakening to and living your truth. By being it rather than preaching it. Leave room for people to notice the incredible shifts you are experiencing and they’ll naturally want to have what you’re having.” – Embodying Wild

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2982. Were you ever a member of a celebrity fan club?

Relationships

I’m sorry that I have been delayed with my post this morning. I’ve been constantly interrupted by my own distractions. Ironically, I was incredibly excited to have a totally unscheduled day. Perhaps there is wisdom to having a regular schedule.

I printed this out the other day. I also texted it to my husband. It’s an excellent reminder. We have always declared that it was vitally important to both of us to have genuine, authentic relationships with our adult children. I do not care to have any relationships, with anyone, based on fear, obligation or guilt, for the rest of my life. I’ve noticed that the relationships that we take the most for granted are often the ones with whom we are closest to in life. Some parents seem to have this sense of entitlement of “owning” their children, even after their children have long embarked on becoming adults. Some parents seem to think that they are “owed” a relationship with their children, just because they are their parents. But our children didn’t ask to be born. Once we are all adults, relationships are mutual. Would you choose to be close friends with anyone who was described as above? Would you choose to spend a lot of time with someone described as above? Would you want your children to spend a lot of time with the type of person described above? We are always modelling living to our children, even when we are all adults. What are you modelling to them with the relationships that you accept and expect in your own life? If your adult children have the traits described above, you have the right to limit your interactions with them, as well. Adults have the right to choose what kind of relationships, and how much of a relationship that they would like to have with anyone. When you are in mutually loving and respectful relationships, what you choose to do for, and what you choose to do with each other, is done out of choice, and because of honest love and connection. If you are still financially supporting your adult children, ask yourself why? Are you truly giving unconditional gifts, or are you trying to leverage that support with manipulation and control? Healthy relationships with anyone do not require manipulation and control. In fact, utilizing control and manipulation is the sign of unhealthy relationships. This poem by Kahlil Gibran has always been one of my absolute favorites. It speaks ultimate truth:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
     And he said:
     Your children are not your children.
     They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
     They come through you but not from you,
     And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

     You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
     For they have their own thoughts.
     You may house their bodies but not their souls,
     For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
     You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
     For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
     You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
     The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
     Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
     For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

995. What are you hypocritical about?

Being It

The son of one of my best friends from college is getting married tomorrow. He is the first of our group of friends’ babies to get married. It feels surreal. As you age, you get little markers along the way, reminding you that you are aging. (a lot of these markers have landed on my face in the form of wrinkles and bags) But every once in awhile, as you are moving along your life, you get big flashing lights that are determined to get your attention. They seem to scream: “You, my friend, are definitely in a different era of your life!”

I remember clearly going to this young man’s parents’ wedding. We all went to college together. There were a slew of weddings back then. And then, after a while, there weren’t many weddings to attend at all. Everything evolved to baby showers. And then there was a long period of supporting each other as we raised our families, sharing our joys and our griefs along the way. And not too many years ago, the graduation notices of the children of my friends starting coming into the mailbox more and more frequently. The Christmas cards we receive every year seem to have more wedding pictures on them, and now the darling babies featured on the front on the cards are often the adored grandbabies of our friends.

It is not lost on me that the major milestones that mark the turning of the seasons of our lives, are the milestones that show where all of our loving energy has been invested. The milestones in our lives show the growth of our relationships and of our endeavors, and the branches of where our lives have grown and spread. I’m not sad that I am crossing into this new era of my life. I am perhaps a little (naively) surprised, but I am not sad. I delight in everything that I have experienced and grown wiser about in my life. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful to share this journey with others who help me to reflect on, and help me to realize all that life really is, which is to say, can mostly be whittled down to one pure thing – experiencing, living, and being Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2101. Can you do any fake accents? If so, which one? (This reminds me of a “No Horse Pucky” story. Let me start by saying that my husband and I have power of attorney for each other, and I handle all of our monthly bills. One month, there was a problem on one of my husband’s credit card statements that I was trying to get rectified. The customer service people told me that my husband would have to call about it, but my husband was out of the country on business. So, I thought to myself, “I’ll just lower my voice and pretend to be my husband.” Simple. Problem solved. I practiced a few times and I called back. I did my spiel in my “man voice.” The patient customer service person listened and then said to me, “Ma’am, we really are going to need to speak to your husband.” So fake man accent, is clearly not one of my talents.)

Soul Sunday

“Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things.” – T. S. Eliot

Welcome to poetry day on the blog. I believe that my readers here probably have bold, intriguing personalities and strong emotions. This is wonderful for living and being the fullness of life, but it is also a lot to encapsulate. Escape from yourself a little bit today, dear readers. Write a poem. Here is my poem for today:


I absorbed it all in this season,

The love, the laughter, the familiar sounds,

Of our family’s giddy banter.

I soaked it all in until I was satiated,

And sopping, and barely able to take in much more.

And now that you have all scattered back to your places,

I realize that I absorbed a new molecule of fond memories,

Into every one of my cells.

This is how an infinite love grows.

It just continually expands itself,

Into every direction that life takes you, my loves.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1641. What is your most used phrase?

October’s Final Day

Credit: @woofknight, X

Happy Halloween!! On our past trip, I overheard the story of a little kid asking for a grilled cheese, “but without the cheese, please.” This brought a smile to my face. That’s what I love about Halloween – the vicarious thrill I feel and the automatic smiles that come with that thrill, when I see the joy on the little ones’ faces. The children literally become the super heroes, the princesses, the sports heroes, the pilots, the witches, etc. and they get rewarded for their pure audaciousness and creativity and mischief.

In a dangerous world where the much-too-easy-to-do wrong click on a computer’s website can show a child what real horror looks like, in real live children’s faces, all over this planet, thank goodness that many children can have a night of escape into make-believe and fun and sweets galore. For at least one night, the children can believe that magic is real and that they, themselves have great power in commanding a simple spell – “Trick or Treat.”

Our children need more lightness and fun. Our children need to see more smiles and acts of kindness, everywhere that they look. Our children need us to believe in them and their futures, by us boldly taking the reins and owning our own mistakes, and steering our ships to better, safer, clearer routes, so that when our children embark onto the harbor of their own adult lives, the real horror won’t be so easy to be found. And the magic will be everywhere.

“A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.” –Lucy Van Pelt, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

“Magic is really very simple, all you’ve got to do is want something and then let yourself have it.” –Aggie Cromwell, Halloweentown

“Just because I cannot see it, doesn’t mean I can’t believe it!” –Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas

“The farther we’ve gotten from the magic and mystery of our past, the more we’ve come to need Halloween.” –Paula Guran

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” –Robert Brault

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

“Children see magic because they look for it.” – Christopher Moore

Merry Christmas! May it be a magical day for all of us. Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Poetry is like a magical language. Like no other form of communication, poetry takes the alchemization of what you, the reader, brings to it, for the meaning of the poem to come to life. Better yet, each poem is unique to each and every reader, because poetry, in it’s freest, truest form, is really and truly up to individual interpretation. I read this poem last night by the poet Joseph Fasano, and I love it. Whatever your age, never lose the belief in the magical qualities of life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.