June 2022 - Adulting: Second- Half

Fret Less

What makes the other people in your life happy?

My husband loves to go biking on his beautiful, orange, sexy Italian bicycle for miles and miles. He comes back home all covered and dripping in sweat, with the widest, longest lasting grin that I ever see him wear.

My friend loves to kayak. She is a teacher, so she is off work for the summer, so our friend group rarely hears from her during the day, because she spends her days in bliss, floating and rowing on our beautiful, clear Gulf waters. Almost every morning we get a text, “I’ll be out on the kayak today!”

My daughter is loving her new, engaging, interesting college experiences. On Facetime, she delightedly showed us a coaster that she had made in a crafting class (she loves doing artistic things), and was thrilled to relay that she spontaneously jumped into a volleyball game. Apparently her days of playing volleyball in middle school came right back to her, and she was proud of the “high fives” that she received from new friends, for some smooth moves on the sandy court.

My youngest son loves showing us the creative projects that he is required to come up with, during his summer’s internship. Part of the job requires him to take pictures of happy customers with the power tools that he has sold to them. Every day, it is fun (and sometimes even surprising – there are some adorable, teeny women who love themselves some power tools) to peruse the pictures of the happy, anticipatory faces of the various customers with the tools that they are purchasing, probably with ideas of what they are going to create and improve in their own sweet nests at home.

A few of my friends are in new, fresh, budding love relationships. It’s so delightful to see friends whom I have known for decades look like excited teenagers again, as they explain the fun that they have been having getting to know the new loves in their lives. I sometimes can see their original fresh faces (the faces which I met when we were teenagers) shining through their smiles, as they excitedly, and yet shyly, describe their new escapades.

Our two eldest sons were visiting each other last week. They cheerfully and teasingly described biking to the beach together, and trying out delicious new restaurants which they both enjoyed. There’s nothing a mother loves more than seeing her kids lovingly share experiences together, even when they are no longer under her roof. When your kids elect to be together, instead of being forced to be together, you know that there is real honest love there. (good heart medicine for mamas)

Friends, the news these days is often not good at all. Reading the news or watching the news, makes me feel sick in the deepest pit of my stomach. To offset those sickening feelings which I know aren’t good for my mental or my physical health, I try to think of happy thoughts. There is no easier way to do this, than to think of the people whom I love, doing the things that make them feel happy and whole and alive and inspired. And when I do this, guess what I feel inside? Happy and whole and alive and inspired. People who love me, can think of me in my purposefully cluttered writing nook, every once in a while gazing out of my large windows, to see the inspiration of the gorgeous nature surrounding me, enjoying the quiet snores of the dogs whom I adore, contentedly napping all around me, as I connect with the deepest, most creative, most eternal part of myself, struggling to type the words fast enough, that are bursting forth from my heart. I am so happy writing my blog. What makes the people whom you love happy? Think about that thought. Imagine it fully. Now, transit that thinking into what makes you happy. Go do more of it. Fret less, experience more. Look for the happy.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday Whimsies

“You know you’re an adult when everything annoys you.” – an anxious panda (Twitter)

“I believe in annoyed at first sight”. – @williedontmiss (Twitter)

My husband and I have a little getaway planned this weekend for just the two of us. We need it. I think that we both have morphed into “grumpy old men” lately.

“It hit me that I’m not a snob. I’m not anti-social or emotionally unavailable. I just don’t form close bonds if the energy isn’t right for me. I use my discernment and this taught me that perfect alignment asks you to be very selective.” – Valencia (Twitter)

“The most important thing when attending any function is planning your escape.” – Dan Regan (Twitter)

“Whenever you are alone, remind yourself that God has sent everyone else away so there is only you and God.” – Rumi

We were talking to our daughter last night about her first impressions of college. She loves it. And although she still plans on being a finance major, she thinks that she may minor in Astronomy (she’s had two days of Astronomy class and she LOVES it.) And finally, the only downside of being in college that she sees so far, is that there are people everywhere and anywhere. She can never escape from people. (Yep, she definitely has our genes.)

“People cry not because they’re weak. It’s because they have been strong for too long.” – Johnny Depp

If you need a good cry, please cry. Cry. Tears are our bodies’ release valve. You’ll feel better after you cry. I always do. I consider myself to be a happy, strong person and I cry a lot.

“Sometimes miracles are just people with kind hearts.” – The Burly Monk (Twitter)

Be someone’s miracle today. Yes, you do have that power. It’s been built right into your kind heart. Many kind hearts have been my miracles over the many years of my life. I am so grateful for the walking miracles all around me.

And for self care advice:

“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.” – Your Tango

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

There’s a Hole in the Bucket

Love is an action, but the feelings that you get from loving are incredible. Those feelings have to be love. So love must be a by-product of acting on love.

I’ve been wallowing in love-sickness these last few days. We took my youngest child and our only daughter to college on Friday (she opted to start this summer). Why is it that when you take a kid to college, everything that you do, and that you see, reminds you of them?!? Everything. I was in the grocery store yesterday, and on the clearance shelf they had a big bag of candy corn. I got a lump in my throat because my daughter is the only one in our family who actually likes candy corn. I almost publicly cried at our local grocery store over a huge, stale bag of candy corn.

My daughter seems very happy though. She’s meeting lots of people and I am so thankful for the technology of Facetime. Our youngest son is living with us this summer, while doing a summer internship. (His epilepsy has been well under control. Regular readers, thank you so much for your love and concern, and your prayers and good wishes. He is doing so much better than last fall. We all are doing so much better, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love and support.) My youngest son is one of our middle two sons, of our family of four children. He shared a bedroom with our second eldest son, his entire childhood. He has never had the experience of being an “only child” with his parents’ attention entirely focused on him. Never. There has always been at least one other child at home, every time that he has lived with his parents. I am not sure that our youngest son is enjoying this “only child” experience all that much. He seems to find a lot of reasons to work late, and to go to the gym for hours and hours. I’m hearing, “Don’t worry about me for dinner,” a lot. Interestingly, all four of our children are dating only children. I can’t decide whether this means that onlies are somehow attracted to big, loud, boisterous, chaotic families, or if my kids are just tired of sharing with others?! It’s probably a mix of both.

On Twitter this morning, the Wise Connector posted this:

I like this take on the “Bucket List”. As a 51-year-old woman, the “Bucket List” thing kind of stresses me. I start worrying about prioritizing, and questioning whether I am wasting too much time, and even the state of my health. “The Bucket List” makes me concentrate on my demise too much. Last night, a group of good friends and I went out to celebrate one of our friend’s birthday at a new restaurant in town. The company was great, but the restaurant sucked. This restaurant is not long for staying in business, we all agreed (interestingly this restaurant is in one of those “doomed” locations. Three restaurants have already failed at that same spot. This is a phenomenon I have noticed my entire life, wherever I have lived. Some locales just seem to be cursed in this world.) Still, I am thrilled that we went to this new place. I am always curious about new places, and new people, and new things. I am thrilled for the experience which we had last night. I love having my curiosity satisfied, and now that particular restaurant will be conveniently tossed into the orange bucket above, leaving more room in the other bucket, which we middle-agers are expected to obsess over.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

Never forget your power, my loves. And this comes from a woman who adores her amazing husband and her wonderful three sons every bit as much as she adores her incredible daughter and her magnificent self.

It’s interesting to me that Josie, our only female dog, rules the roost. Ralphie is bigger and older than her. Trip is more audacious than her. Neither of them has ever tried to usurp her authority. She has never had to raise her voice more than a gentle growl. They respect her. Ralphie and Trip tussle with one another all of the time. But ultimately, Josie rules the roost. She knows her worth and they respect that continually. Josie never gives her power away. She owns it. And everyone in the family adores Josie, including Ralphie and Trip. And even more interestingly, she is considered the favorite dog of ours, of anyone who isn’t in our family. She is continually called “the sweetie.” Sweeties, let’s rise. Have a great day. Never, ever forget your power.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Good morning. My regular readers know that Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Poetry says things like no other form writing can. It evokes imagery, emotion, and thoughtfulness and it reminds us of our inner wisdom and power. I found a collection of excellent famous poems about the strength of women to share on the blog this morning. I think that this is apropos for this time period in history, don’t you? My belief is that our biggest superpower which all of we women possess is that we are continually underestimated. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

“We don’t dare to appreciate her
We don’t care to her feelings,
Nor her dreams.
She swallows her pride
To serve us might.” – Penpal

“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.” – Maya Angelou

“But there’s wisdom in women, of more than they have known,
And thoughts go blowing through them, are wiser than their own.” -Rupert Brooke

I Am Sickened

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The extreme irony that I experienced yesterday, is not lost on me. As we were driving our youngest child, and our only daughter to college yesterday, she announced that Roe v. Wade had been overturned.

I have always said that this blog would never be a political spot, as I believe that there are too many of these vitriolic political spots on the internet already. Frankly, I am not a particularly political person. My voter’s card currently states “No Party Affiliation”. I made that decision recently (forgoing my rights to vote in the primaries, this I understand) because I can no longer stand to be affiliated with either of these major parties, who have been taken over by their most extreme members, pushing their agendas to the point of control, coercion, shame, zealotry and fanaticism (mostly out of self-interest and narcissism), and quite frankly, not representing anyone whom I love and whom I respect, in my own real life. I deeply love both the Conservatives and the Liberals in my life. In my real life experience, most of the people whom I know, no matter where they stand politically, do not hold extreme views. They understand the need for sensibility and moderation and open-mindedness and cooperation. The Liberals and the Conservatives whom I love are not full of hate and vindictiveness. The people whom I love, wherever they stand on the political spectrum, believe in kindness and compassion, foremost, above anything else. They want to build this country based on the foundation of love. I truly believe that these people, whom I have been surrounded by for my entire life, are the true majority of the good people of the United States. And this true majority is not being fervently represented by ANYBODY in Washington, D. C.

I have never had an abortion. I don’t think that I ever could have an abortion, but thankfully, that supposition has never been tested. I do know women who have had abortions. I assure you that it was not an easy, non-emotional, soulless, flippant decision for any of them. I don’t believe that the decision to have an abortion is ever easily made by any woman, except for the very, very few who have major mental disorders. I have had a late miscarriage. My doctors had to induce me, in order for my uterus to be cleansed. Would this procedure be allowed in certain states now that Roe vs. Wade has been overturned?? Would I have been forced to keep a dead fetus in my uterus to the detriment of my health? I know more than one woman who has been raped. Thankfully, these rapes did not result in pregnancy. But what if they had? Is it my place, or anyone’s place, to tell a woman that she must carry the result of her rape to term??? Is it my place, or anyone else’s, to tell anybody what to do with their own bodies???

I am an upper middle class, post-menopausal, white woman. My daughter has excellent healthcare benefits, and parents who adore her unconditionally, and whom she can talk to honestly and earnestly. We can pay for flights, for birth control, for procedures, and for difficult decisions. But what about our sisters who don’t have these privileges? Where does this leave them? Where does this leave their offspring?

I am sickened. Friends, I am sickened. I get to choose my morality. You get to choose yours. I get my day of reckoning with my God. You get your day of reckoning with yours. I get to live my consequences. You get to live with yours. Hands off!!!

“As heartbroken as I am, as pissed off as I am, I refuse to be silent. I refuse to give up. Women across this country are going to rise up like you’ve never seen. If you thought we were a lot before, just wait.” – Maria Shriver

“On a day of many thoughts, my heart breaks especially for the most marginalized members of our society. The burden is almost always heaviest for those who are already burdened.” – Dan Rather

Dog, It’s Friday

As you all read this, I am likely on my way to taking my youngest baby (out of four) to college. This Friday’s vibe is honestly probably filled with a lot more anxiety and angst than I typically allow myself to feel on a Friday. What is my usual Friday vibe? Life is fun. Life is good. What material things in life add to the good and the fun? On Fridays, I discuss my favorite “stuff”, versus anything deep and yearning. Please check out previous Friday listings for good discoveries under the heading of “Stuff” and please share your own “good stuff” in my Comments section.

Here is my favorite for this Friday:

Rhoback Golf Shirts – I bought three of these golf shirts for my incredibly finicky, picky husband for Father’s Day. And do you know what? He loves them. And so do I. They look so good on him, that all three of my sons decided that they each wanted a Rhoback golf polo as well. Rhoback has created “performance polos” to match the modern man’s need to be active and versatile, in a moment’s notice. These polos are made of high quality, stretchy, cooling material, and they are cut at the perfect length, in order to make them look good both tucked and untucked. Further, Rhoback shirts offer a plethora of patterns, from conservative, to fun and wild. Rhoback shirts all have stripes on the back of the necks to replicate the Rhodesian Ridgeback dogs which these shirts were inspired by – Rhodesian Ridgeback dogs are always active! The men in your life will love these wonderful shirts!

Have a great weekend friends. Stay active! See you tomorrow.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Rhonda Real

I have a good friend who reminds me of so many of my other good friends (and even myself) . She is generally upbeat, positive, excited and always looking for the silver linings, but lately she is struggling. Her life is feeling somewhat “exhausting” and overwhelming at times lately, and she is upset with herself for not feeling like her usual chipper self. When we had lunch the other day, she apologized for being “Debbie Downer.” I said, “You are not Debbie Downer. You’re Rhonda Real.”

Why do we women apologize so much for the moments in our lives that we don’t feel 100 percent amazing? Why do we feel so responsible to be happy and cheerful all of the time? Every time I have a friend who is going through a tough time, I notice a trend (and I notice this in myself, too). She puts on a brave front and expertly covers all of her cracks, until she finally breaks down. She takes forever to admit that she is going through a tough time. Next, she apologizes profusely about going through a hard time, and then she apologizes even more so, for venting her emotions about what she is experiencing, as if she has control over either experience. And then she finally clams up, like a little crab that is embarrassed to have shown her vulnerable little legs of emotion. Why do we women feel like we have to apologize for being human??? I read something recently that makes a lot of sense. Negative emotions are only poisonous to us, when they are blocking out all other emotions. But most of us feel all sorts of emotions, all day long. There is no shame in feeling negative emotions. There are four general states of being: glad, sad, mad, or scared. Ideally, we would prefer to stay in “the glad” category all of the time, but that’s not realistic in a healthy (versus numbed out) human life. Sadness is necessary to process grief. Fear alerts us, and it keeps us safe and anger inspires us to do something about a situation that we perceive as being wrong or unfair. Anger actually has a lot of energy. Bottom line, if you choose to block or numb out all of your feelings, you block out the good ones, too, and that’s not the goal. The goal is to experience our feelings in the “glad” category for a lot of our times.

Perhaps if we weren’t so horrified and judgmental and apologetic about our lesser emotions, we would suffer less. If we can accept that sometimes we will feel sad, scared and angry, and just notice these painful emotions and accept them (without wallowing in them), they can be used as tools to get us back to our better feeling “glad” state of being. What are our emotions telling us? If we are scared, what can we do to feel more safe and secure? Are our fears truly valid or have we exaggerated them in our minds? If we are angry, what action can we take or boundaries can we put in place, in order to not feel used and abused? (Another interesting thing I read recently, is that science shows that the physical effects of angry or scared emotions, only last 90 seconds in our bodies. If we breathe through the emotions, instead of feeding them more fuel with angry or scared thoughts, the physical aspect of the emotion will pass and we can make more rational choices about what to do next. So don’t count to ten, instead count to 90, the next time that you feel angry or scared, as long as you aren’t in serious, imminent danger.) If we are sad, we can nurture ourselves, like we would nurture our loved ones going through a hurtful moment, knowing that unprocessed grief will cause more damage to us in the long run, in the way of physical ailments and mental breakdowns. In short, if you get curious and detached about your own emotions, you realize that all of your emotions have their place in your life, and they are actually quite useful. And also realize that we all love Rhonda Real, because she authenticates our own living experience. She helps give us permission to be our fullest selves. And she is so lovable, no matter what state of being she is currently experiencing!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Strikes Me

This was artwork posted on Twitter this morning. It struck me. I had to pause on it. I love it. Do you know what I do when I find artwork like this, when I am scrolling on Twitter? I print it out. I paste these pictures that wow me, into my journals, on my calendar, in various notebooks, so that in times that I just need the pick-me-up of visual candy that is just my taste, I have it right in front of me, to peruse and to enjoy. Artists are so generous to freely share their beautiful works. Sometimes I look for ways to buy or to support their work, whenever I can, because they make my world a more special place. Creative people make us look at the ordinary, in extraordinary ways. And oftentimes they do it for free. They do it because they love to do it and they are compelled to do it because they are deeply connected to their truest selves. And that’s why we feel so moved by their creations. It comes from an otherworldly, eternal place which we sometimes forget about its existence. Artists are the reminders of the beauty surrounding us, and the beauty within us.

And Think Smarter posted this great reminder on Twitter:

We are taking our youngest child of four to college on Friday, as she opted to start in the summer for a lot of good reasons. My emotions this week are Hurricane Mama. But I keep reminding myself that is because I have experienced so much love, and so much pride, and a load of growth, and constant wonder raising this family whom I love more than life itself.

What Think Smarter didn’t say, in this particular post, is that “The price of safety and comfort, is banality, and dullness, and having to live with the “what ifs” and the “I wonders.” Always live fully. Always live life to the fullest. It’s worth the risks and the losses. It is.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Little Red Vest

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

When Trip, our Boykin spaniel, was a puppy he would often swim in the pool, along with our Labrador retriever, Ralphie. He never loved the pool as much as Ralphie does, but he swam in it fairly often. Trip swims well. He is a sporting dog, bred to retrieve fallen birds in bodies of water. But then, for some strange reason, Trip just stopped swimming in the pool. He preferred to hang out with the boss lady, our herder, the rough collie, Josie, who runs around the pool, barking out orders at everyone, like a frantic, control freak lifeguard who can’t stop blowing the whistle. Trip seemed to have developed a little bit of fear of the pool, seemingly, out of nowhere.

Now, when we take Trip out on boating excursions (Boykins are bred to be boating dogs), we put a little red life vest on him. Trip loves swimming in the saltwater, and the minute one of us jumps out of the boat, he jumps out, too, often landing right on top of whoever is swimming in the water outside of the boat. He never thinks twice about swimming all around in the ocean, which in theory, is a lot more dangerous than swimming around in a little pool, especially with our vigilant lifeguard Josie guarding it, as if she were a presidential secret service agent. Honestly, on boating days, it is often difficult to coax Trip out of the water and back into the boat.

So this weekend, when we were having a fun pool day at home, my son decided that he was going to get Trip comfortable swimming in the pool again. To do so, he put Trip in his little red life vest. Surprisingly, that’s all it really took. It was like the red life vest flipped a switch, and we couldn’t keep Trip out of the pool. It didn’t take any coaxing at all. The little red life vest gave Trip all of the confidence that he needed to become a pool hound all over again.

That got me to thinking about how we all have our own “little red life vests” that get us over our fears of doing things. We put so much confidence into our own “little red life vests”, even if they are just symbolic, like lucky charms. I looked up why we put so much reliance on our lucky charms and I questioned if they really “work.” Supposedly they do:

“Relying on lucky charms is superstitious, but in fact, it actually works. Researchers have found that people who believe they have luck on their side feel greater “self-efficacy”—the belief that we’re capable of doing what we set out to do—and this belief actually boosts mental and physical performance.” – Psychology Today

“The study says that people who tend to have better luck after carrying certain items have so because of the belief that they are protected from bad luck. This belief acts as a blocker from failure as people go out and give their best shot without worrying about what they might lose.” – Times of India

Now, I have often heard less superstitious persons than myself, proudly and smugly proclaim, “I make my own luck!” And that is true. Obviously, the studies show that people who believe in lucky charms, get into a mindset that says that they cannot fail, and thus, it is that mindset which helps them to succeed (not the inanimate object). Having lucky charms, is a Jedi mind trick that we play with ourselves. But, so what? Obviously, in many cases (such as with Trip), it works. And it’s fun.

What’s your “little red life vest”? What’s a big fear that you have? Can you find “a little red vest” that will help you to overcome your fear? Just remember to never forget that deep down you have made your own luck. Remember that your little red vest is just a little crutch that you made for yourself, and the power was never really transferred to that placebo pill, or to that dream catcher, or to “my precious” (Lord of the Rings reference). The power to overcome your fears and challenges and move on to your victories was always inside of you, your mind just needed a physical trinket and symbol of that fact, to remind itself of its own great and powerful abilities.

“Luck is believing you’re lucky.” – Tennessee Williams

“You can live a charmed life by causing others to live a charmed life. That is, be the source of ‘charm’ — of charming moments and experiences — in the life of another. Be everyone else’s Lucky Charm! Make all who you touch today feel ‘lucky’ that you crossed their path. Do this for a week and watch things change. Do it for a month and you’ll be a different person.”- Neale Donald Walsch