Hello friends. I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing much. Crunch time is upon our family with my youngest’s graduation from college and my eldest’s wedding, both in a few weeks from now. However, I came across this quote the other day and I knew that I wanted it as a new exhibit here at our thought museum, Adulting – Second Half. It is attributed to Ziad K. Abdelnour. See below:
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Recently I put the final period on a decision, that if I am honest with myself, I started making a long time ago. And it was an incredibly difficult, painful decision for me to make. It hurt me. It hurt others. But it was the right decision for me to make for myself, and in a way, I’m grateful that my hand was forced. I kept trying to buy time, in hopes that I would see things in a different way, but my “inner self knowing”, stayed steady. It could not be swayed. And I am sad, but I am not sad with regret. I’m just sad with the understanding that nothing is black and white, there is good and bad in everything, and a lot of things in life don’t come with the perfect tied bow of “happy conclusion.” I’m sad for the happy parts that I will truly miss, and I am grateful for the lovely memories that I will always keep with me. So many times in life we want to do what is “right”, but as we get older we realize that “right” is often a muddy picture, and often what is right for one person, is not right for another, and we have to come to acceptance of this fact. And getting ourselves to this acceptance is the hardest part. But with this acceptance, we finally give ourselves respect and complete permission to do what is right for ourselves. And we give others respect and complete permission to do the same. And having this full acceptance will always be closer to peace, than trying to contort your own square peg self into round holes, or else trying to force others to do the same type of thing, solely for your own comfort.
“Living in alignment” seems to be a common phrase thrown around these days, but what does it really mean? When I asked AI this question this morning, this was the summary:
“Living in alignment means consciously ensuring your daily actions, thoughts, and decisions consistently reflect your core values, passions, and authentic self. It is the practice of living truthfully rather than for external validation, fostering a sense of inner harmony, purpose, and flow, rather than just striving for success.
Key Aspects of Living in Alignment:
In researching living an aligned life, I came across an excellent blog post written by Dr. Shea, a chiropractor in San Diego. In his article, he outlines five principles of living an aligned life. I’ll put a link to the article below (it’s a good read), but he writes that the essential five principles of living an aligned life are this: 1.) Know yourself. 2.) Take full responsibility for everything in your life. 3.) Maintain a long-term focus. 4.) Listen to your body and act upon what it is telling you. 5.) Prioritize self-care.
The second principle is sometimes a hard pill for us to swallow. It’s hard to take responsibility, especially when you’ve been victimized. This is how Dr. Shea puts it this way, and I couldn’t explain it better than he does:
“The good things include actually taking time to celebrate your wins when things go well. The bad things mean owning up when things don’t go according to plan. And the ugly things- these are the things we don’t talk about, the things that were done to us, or the things that we only share with a few close individuals. These are the things that we really have to take full responsibility for because until we do, these things rule our lives. To take control back from these people or events, taking full responsibility for them is essential. Even if you have had terrible things happen to you in your life, you are the only person who has control of how you think about it and what you will do about it. Without this first step, the concept of finding balance will never stick. Taking responsibility, despite the initial physical and emotional pain, is the only way to take control.”
It’s not lost on me that unless our spine is in alignment, we can’t reach our highest physical potential. When we are off balance, we can’t walk the paths of our individual lives with a steady gait. Living in alignment is not an easy task in this fast paced, “always vying for our attention in every which direction” kind of a world. However, the moments when we truly feel that our outside lives are most aligned and reflective of our inner selves, these are our most peaceful, resonant, honest, authentic, ripe, accepting, connected to something higher, purposeful moments which we can ever hope to experience.
Here is the link to Dr. Shea’s full article on living in alignment: https://alignedlifewellness.com/how-to-live-an-aligned-life/
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Anniversary, J! Words really cannot convey how I feel about you. You are my greatest gift. I love you, always and forever.
“I wish I could explain “the secret formula” to having a long, successful, happy marriage. Just like all the centenarians who give conflicting advice on the secret of having a long life, I’m not really sure that there is just one answer, or just one way. I just feel incredibly blessed and lucky and thankful that the formula my husband and I have created, works for us. I’m totally in love with my husband. I love the life we have created together and I’m so grateful for the many life adventures we have shared. I cherish our family.” – from Adulting Second Half, 10/29/2018
“This story is still playing out, but I think the moral of the story will remain the same. Believe in love. Live love as an action. Be in awestruck gratitude when you find someone who is willing to give to you every part of their very self, for the rest of their lives. Know that there is no greater gift that they could give to you. Honor and respect and reciprocate that gift. The gift of Love grows and grows when it is nurtured, and that blooming of Love is where the greatest treasure, out of all of Life’s wonderful treasures, is truly found.” – from Adulting Second Half, 10/29/2019
“This union is a safe haven for them and for their children, to always be able to come home to, and to rest and to renew in its kind, empowering nourishment. Nothing was more important to the man or to the woman than what they had created together. They understood that about each other and thus, the man and the woman both felt fiercely loved and treasured and honored and cared for, and there is no better feeling in the world, than that feeling. It is everything that these two lovers want for their children and their grandchildren and for the generations to follow them.” – from Adulting Second Half, 10/29/2020
“I share a passionate, loyal, understanding, caring, dedicated love with my husband, the love of my life. . . . . and we will always be each other’s yin and yang. We fit together really well. “ – from Adulting Second Half, 10/29/2021
“When picking a life partner, always go with solid, not glittery. Solid withstands storms, whereas glitter flies away in the wind. . . . I have always been eternally grateful for my husband’s steadfast, lifelong commitment to me and to our family. He gave me his life to share with me. This is the greatest gift anyone has ever given to me.”– Adulting Second Half 10/29/2022
(We were on a trip in 2023 – I wasn’t mad at you, J. wink wink We were having fun.)
“My marriage is my sanctuary, my comfort, my joy, my adventures, my framework for how I go about living my life.” – Adulting Second Half 10/29/24
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
One of my least favorite things in life is just “sweeping everything under the rug.” People love to say, almost righteously in their “kindness”: “I just hate confrontation.” And I think to myself, “Of course you hate confrontation. Almost every healthy person whom I know, with any level of kindness and empathy, hates confrontation. Nobody likes confrontation. It’s uncomfortable. It sparks defensiveness. It’s painful to think someone finds something that’s going on is ‘less than perfect.’ It rouses our own meanest inner critic and insecurities.” But here’s the rub, the relationship starts breaking down, as people try to walk on eggshells, on a bumpy rug, covering a floor of unhealed resentments. When we don’t address situations, the relationship starts being based on our own one-sided idea and thoughts of what is going on, without any earnest communication about what the other person is feeling and thinking. And in the worst situations, toxic controllers use this very human “I just hate confrontation” against us. They can keep the “erase/repeat/deny” cycle going, because we have shown that we are continually willing to just throw things under the rug, again and again.
Now one of my other least favorite things in life is pettiness. If we hold on to every little aggravation and every little annoyance and we make everyone around us miserable and we make their behavior accountable for our own happiness, that just turns us into being one of the toxic controllers. It is best to confront the truly unacceptable things that happen in a relationship or in a situation (the things that if we are honest with ourselves, we know will definitely turn into major bumps under the rug). The other minor things are our own responsibility to work through and to let go. (It’s often occurred to me that all of us would like to have magic wands to turn everyone in our lives into exactly whom we want them to be, without realizing that they too, want to use their own magic wands on us!) It’s not an easy dance. However, if we value truly authentic, real relationships, then healthy, compassionate confrontation is the only way to go. Otherwise, the monsters who have been swept under the rug will have nowhere else to go, and so they will eventually come out with great, indomitable force. And sometimes, these monster resentments have grown so large and so angry and so full of indignation and emotion, that they can cause a final rupture that is irreparable. And these terrible kinds of ruptures make a normal, healthy confrontation look like a sweet little kitten. These ruptures are hurricanes, in comparison to a small storm of confrontation that will pass on by, without any real damage, once it is cleared.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“A 20-mile hike into the woods requires a 20-mile hike back out of the woods.”
I saw this quote a few days ago and it rang true in so many facets of life – i.e. weight loss, a lifetime accumulation of stuff, having a big family, and the true story of when our eldest son first moved up to New Jersey and decided to ride his manual, 3-speed bike across a bridge, over the river to explore New York City. It didn’t dawn on him until much later that evening, after he had exhausted himself exploring the Big Apple, that there would be an equally long ride back. (we don’t call him our “Absent-Minded Professor” for nothing)
A lifetime friend of mine recently brought up her fears and sadness about the thoughts of us all getting older and experiencing the ailments and losses that getting older often brings. I immediately got defensive and I reminded her that it would not be unusual now, for all of us to live well into our nineties which means we have close to half our lives still to live. “We’re not old!” I practically screamed. And as 50-somethings, we’re really not that old, but we are definitely on the 20-mile hike back out of the woods.
The hike back out is always a little bit easier. You have a better idea of what to expect. You get to revisit areas on your trail, and you get to bypass rocky terrain that you now know exists. You’re more experienced. You usually have better footing on the hike back out of the woods. You’ve already eaten and drank up most of your sustenance, and so you now have a lighter load. You understand more what you no longer need to have with you on the journey back. The hike back out is less about preparation and anticipation, and more so, about truly savoring and taking in what you may have missed on the hurried, restless hike in. You tend to take the hike out of the woods, a little less rushed. You’re a little more tired, but in a good way. You’ve proven to yourself that you have the mettle it takes to make this journey. There’s a saying that people often say with a resigned sigh, “It’s all downhill from here!” but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. When I am on a real hike up a hill or a mountain or an endless staircase, I am always extremely relieved that the way back is “all downhill.” It’s easier. I breathe easier. I feel nimbler and I’m still basking that I made the proud, adventurous climb in and up. Mostly though, on my journey, I’m grateful that so many of the people whom I travelled into the woods with, are still with me on our way back out. And I am so grateful for the new ones whom I am still meeting along the way, and of course, I am always grateful for the ones who always loyally travel with me, and guide me, as I deeply sense their presence, in the spirits of the winds and the birds and the trees.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ For some reason, this particular post that I wrote four years ago, has been trending a lot lately (and since I have been asked by more than one person – unfortunately the bougainvillea and the house pictured is a stock photo and not actually mine.) It’s not a bad post, if I do say so myself. (and this is when my late grandmother would say, “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”)
The Bougainvillea
+ A friend once told me that her marriage counselor said that in long relationships, it’s like being married to eight different people at different times, and so some people are capable of handling this, and some are not. I’m not sure that I agree with this statement completely. I do believe that we mature and we grow and we change (all of us) as life goes on, but I also believe that certain traits and values are pretty hardwired to go the distance with us, throughout our lives (even the ones that we wish we could change). What are your thoughts on this? I am reminded of the wise old adage that says, “Women go into marriage hoping to change the man, and men go into the marriage hoping that the woman never changes.” As a mother of two engaged sons, who have been with their sweethearts for many years, I ponder these things more. I have high hopes for my sons’ beautiful love stories which I am so grateful to witness them, as they gently unfold.
+ A quote I saw recently, I found deeply motivating, and as a person with many decades of life behind me, I have experienced this as fact many times in my own life, and I have often witnessed it happening in the lives of others, too. Know this: “Everything you want, wants you even more.” (just remember that “what you want” is most likely the feeling that you think “what you want” is going to get you. Explore why you want that feeling. And then realize that there are many ways to achieve that feeling that you think that you will get from “what you want”, more than just the far off, highly detailed, specific way you think you have to go about, in order to achieve the feeling. If happiness is what you want, it wants you even more. It is here for the taking. Explore.)
+ If you follow astrology at all, we are in a period of a lot of planets in “retrograde.” Some people believe that this means that people and places and things from our past, will often come around again, to make sure that what we needed to learn and to grow from these particular experiences, has actually happened. If you are experiencing an ex (romantic or otherwise) coming back into your life, Nate Postlethwait has written an excellent guide to “the roadmap to reconciliation.” It’s wise to ponder this roadmap, before jumping right back in. I’ve simplified and paraphrased it here:
*****Until these things have happened, it’s probably not safe to bring something or somebody back into your life (at least not intimately), unless you want to experience more of the same abuse. It’s okay to love people from afar. Self-care is healthy and important. Being able to trust yourself, to protect yourself, is absolutely vital.
+ Finally, for those of you who have been wondering – yes, our son got a residency on Match Day in radiology at a major university hospital in our state! We are so thrilled and excited. This is the last year that all four of our babies will be in their twenties. I feel old just writing that, but more so, I feel incredibly thankful and blessed. The best is yet to come . . . . (believe it!)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.
The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.
“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”. Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.”
Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.
And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:
According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.
All the animals fled in terror
Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.
Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.
The Jaguar asked,
“What are you doing Hummingbird?
“I am going to the lake”, he answered.
“I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”
The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”
“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.”
“But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that.
I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”
I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”
At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest.
Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.
The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”
“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”
“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”
That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
It’s fascinating to me how the focus in our lives change, even if the circumstances don’t change that much. Something in our life grabs our attention like a project, or a trip, or a goal, or a crisis, or a pain, or a sickness, etc. and that situation takes the spotlight, even though everything else is happening pretty much like it would every other day. Right now, my focus is on my stuffed up head, and so everything else that was either bothering me or interesting me, has gone into the background. But soon this annoying sinus infection will pass, and I will be on to new irritations and intrigues. Such is the way of life. This is what is meant by, “This too shall pass . . .”
Here are some gems that I found in some of my inspiration notebooks that I thought that I would pass on for today (None of these are my own. I’m sorry for those quotes which are lacking credit. I’ve kept these notebooks for years, namely for myself, and shamefully, I was often lapse about writing down the source.):
+ “This is your permission to stop looking to be liked by people who don’t even like themselves.” – Nicole LaPera
+ “The shortest answer to your question: What would someone who loved him or herself do?” – Alan Cohen
+ “What comes at you, comes from you.” – Bert Winn
+ “A toxic situation is more likely to change you than you are to change it. Get out.”
+ “Honesty without kindness is cruelty. But kindness without honesty is manipulation.”
+ “You don’t get to pick the consequences of your actions.”
+ “Sometimes when you are invited, you’re still not welcomed. Know the difference.” – Wise Connector, X
+ “There are four natural sanctuaries: silence, solitude, stillness and simplicity.” – Brianna Wiest
+ “The light heart lives long.”
+ “Not what we have, but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” – Jean Antoine Petit-Senn
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
2220. Which foreign language did you have to learn at school?
My friend shared this beautiful writing by Cody Bret (see below). It is such a good reminder to not take things personally and to just to be your true authentic self. Always, always focus on the relationship that you have with yourself and make sure that it is a nurturing, kind relationship. The relationship that you have with yourself, is the most important relationship which you will ever have, and it helps to determine the quality of relationships that you will have with others. It is also good to remember that sometimes people just don’t have more room in their lives to foster and to keep any more deep, consuming relationships, and so they can be quite fond of you, and yet still not be available for the depth of relationship which you would like to have with them, and that often has NOTHING to do with how they perceive you. Finally, if you do have a visceral strong opinion about someone else, it’s always a good idea to explore those feelings. Underneath hate, dislike, discomfort is often a big mound of pain and recognition, asking for some healing. Often the people we despise are angels in disguise, leading us to our greatest mending and personal insights.
The way people view you.
Sometimes I think about the different characters I play in everybody’s story.
I’m a terrible person in some people’s narratives and a Godsend in others.⠀⠀⠀
And none of it has anything to do with the person I truly am. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The lens that others view you through is coloured by their upbringing, beliefs, and individual experiences.⠀⠀⠀⠀
Some people see your bright personality as endearing and others see it as annoying.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Some people think you’re weak and emotional and others feel safe to be themselves around you.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Some people think you’re rude and selfish and others respect the way you stand up for yourself.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Some people admire the way you take pride in the way you look and others think you’re conceited.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
And none of it has to do with who you truly are as a person.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What you have to understand is that you have no authority over how people view you so never try to control the way others see you because the only thing that truly matters when the dust settles down at the end of the day is what you genuinely see in yourself.
~ Cody Bret
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
1224. What’s your biggest challenge in the mornings?
I read a really good tip offered up by the author and psychologist, Ramani Durvasula. She said that when she was in graduate school for psychology, they learned a really good tip for figuring out how to decide your own discernment about people, places and things. Say you meet a new person, or you visit a new store or restaurant, or you try a new product, and something less than savory happens. (nothing over-the top, or clearly dangerous or toxic – when this occurs, these things should be considered to be “one and done”) The first time this unpleasant experience occurs you can consider this experience to possibly be just a “blip.” Everyone has their bad days. The second time you experience this same type of occurence, it could be a “coincidence” but your ears should be perked. Your spidey senses should be tingling. The third time you experience this same type of frustration with the same person, place or thing, you are witnessing a “pattern” , and this pattern should become your expectation of this person, place or thing, going forward. You can then decide whether you really want this pattern to be part of your own experience and what kind of boundaries you can put around this pattern. In short, the first mishap is a blip, the second same mishap could be a coincidence, and finally, the third mishap is a PATTERN. This discernment tip gives you one extra bonus chance from the often stated, Randall Terry quote: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
711. How impulsive are you and what are you most impulsive with?
