Hello friends. I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing much. Crunch time is upon our family with my youngest’s graduation from college and my eldest’s wedding, both in a few weeks from now. However, I came across this quote the other day and I knew that I wanted it as a new exhibit here at our thought museum, Adulting – Second Half. It is attributed to Ziad K. Abdelnour. See below:
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
This is my second blog post of today. I’m feeling inspired. I’m giving myself permission to write because writing is one of my most favorite activities in this world. A thought came to me that I immediately wrote on my calendar (as I often do throughout the day, as thoughts of what to write about come to me). It was this thought:
“I can’t love you the way that you want me to love you, but I do love you in my own way.”
Is this statement the truth at the center of so many conflicts and hurts? Is this statement what is needed for true forgiveness of all others, and for one’s self? Sometimes we get so caught up in the ways that we want to be loved, that we forget that in the center of any relationship there is love, quietly and steadfastly beating its heart below all of the noise.
I have felt guilt throughout my life for not wanting to be what others want me to be. Sometimes I have conformed to be what others want me to be, only to later seethe in resentment. Guilt is not love. Resentment is not love.
I have felt frustrated and sad and angry when certain people of certain named roles in my life have not conformed into “being” the love which I expected from those roles. Love does not require others to conform into what I want them to be. Love doesn’t have requirements. Love is. Therefore I believe that forgiveness is coming to this statement:
“You can’t love me in the way that I want you to love me, but I know that you do love me in your own way.”
Now this is not to say that forgiveness means staying in relationships that are disappointing or harmful to you. This is not to say that boundaries should be dissolved nor does it say that you don’t need to work on nurturing and healing your healthy relationships with communication and earnest effort. It’s just taking the idea of “Forgiveness is an acceptance of what is” to a new level. It’s acknowledging an underlying love below all of the layers of damage, and pain, and frustrations, and wanting, and resentments, and sadness and failed expectations. It’s a reminder and a reassurance that at the base of all things in life, there is love. Love is always there. It’s just not a love narrowly defined by you nor by me.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I asked my husband how he was feeling about it being Monday morning. He said that “he was channeling Jerry Maguire’s mentor.” And then he asked me, “What was that guy’s name again?” I didn’t remember. It turns out that the Jerry Maguire movie came out almost 30 years ago. (Ugh, really? Can that be true?) I looked up Jerry Maguire’s mentor clips. Jerry Maguire’s mentor was named Dicky Fox and here he is with some Monday motivation:
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’m sorry for the bad quality. I literally took a picture of this Tweet and put it up here. Hank Green is one of those science guys on Twitter (a Bill Nye kind of guy) who helps to explain science to us unscientific types. This is one of the first photographs from the James Webb Space Telescope. Mind blowing. So many responses to this tweet referred to “existential dread.” Sometimes I wonder if “existential dread” is actually synonymous with “egotistical dread.” OMG, what?!? We’re not the center of the Universe?! Our current drama that’s playing out is not actually all that important at all?!? I honestly don’t feel dread when I read about scientific discoveries like this. I feel peace. I like the relief and the quick change in perspective that it gives to me.
In other news, I read this profound quote the other day:
Everybody has a heart; you just have to find the location.
— “The Goldbergs,” “The New Landlord” (1949)
Playing detective to find out what is really at the heart of any matter, explains a lot. Last night, I was at a dear friend’s house, and we were trying to help another friend understand why she had quit doing one of her great passions/purposes/talents in life (something which she loves to do as much as I love to write, maybe even more, and honestly she is better at it, than I am at writing). It turns out that what was stopping her from doing her avocation was related to a great loss that she had experienced, which was closely tied to her passion project. My one caring, questioning friend helped our dear friend get to this heart of the matter, and the relief that our bereaved friend seemed to feel, coming to this realization, made me hopeful that she will resume with her passion soon again. What is near and dear to anyone’s heart is found in the tender, vulnerable parts of what matters to that person the most. And everybody has at least one thing, or at least one person, that matters to them greatly, and that is where they store most of the whole of their precious, beating heart.
On a lighter note, my second eldest son and I had a text exchange, in which we were discussing his longtime girlfriend’s upcoming birthday. My son is in medical school and if he weren’t in medical school, he probably would have been an engineer. He is a science geek. My son would adore the first part of my blog post and would already be off looking for more information on the Webb telescope without finishing the post. “Subjective” is his least favorite word. He was the kid whom I always had to remind, “DO NOT touch any buttons or levers anywhere, at any time, do you understand?” In my humble opinion, he tends to be a tad practical, and perhaps not quite sentimental enough, when it comes to getting his girlfriend gifts. So, I texted him this thought:
“I read something that you should never buy a woman something that has a cord.”
His reply:
“Hahaha Damn, I’m glad I’m not a woman then.”
And of course when I mentioned this text exchange to my antagonistic youngest son, this son went on to give plenty of examples of women who love receiving fancy curling irons and blow dryers and he reminded me of all of the women who buy power tools from him every single day. (I get it. I get it. Perhaps I should have been more direct in my communication about maybe finding something with a cord, that also may have some sentimental value, or perhaps I should learn to just butt out – something that I need to work on every single day of my life. Yes, I can be nosy. I can be bossy. My heart is usually in the right place, but still, I need to work on these attributes of mine, this I know.)
I think I’ll end this post with a word that I learned from Rex Masters on Twitter the other day. It is a Japanese word: kuchisabishii – it means the times that you are not hungry, but you eat because your mouth is lonely. My mouth is lonely a lot. In fact it’s kind of lonely right now, so I am going to sign off. See you tomorrow!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
