Jay McInerney has a new book out. People of my generation will probably remember his breakout novel, Bright Lights, Big City, a book about being young and wild and full of grief in New York City. Jay McInerney is currently 71 years old. I was reading an interview which the New York Times had with him and this quote stuck out to me:
“There is consolation in old age in sensing that you may have experienced some of the best.”
He said this in the context of imagining the idea of being able to be young again in New York City, but realizing that it would never be the same as he remembers it when he first experienced it in the 1970s, when he was in his twenties.
I do believe that one of the best gifts of aging is believing and knowing that you have experienced things and events that will never be able to be replicated in the exact same way again. And these experiences are sacred, for that very reason. And age has a way of softening memory and focusing on the positive and putting a warm, fuzzy frame around it all. We all believe that our own favorite experiences were better than any youngster could ever imagine or experience themselves. And those youngsters will grow up to be oldsters who believe the very same thing. Each generation feels sorry for what the generation below them “missed out on.” Perhaps there really is a slow degeneration of all things bright and beautiful, but more likely, as Jay McInerney says, the belief that “you may have experienced some of the best” is just a lovely “consolation” prize that comes with the territory of growing old.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Stay close to anything that makes you feel glad to be alive.” – Hafiz
Before I start with the theme that I am going with on the blog today, I overheard something on a podcast that made me spend some time pondering. The question announced was, “Are you getting older or are you growing older?” Being in the middle of one of those birthday clumps in my own family and also in my extended family, it has become quite apparent to me lately, that we are all getting older. There is no choice in that, but growing older sounds so much more progressive in a healthy way. Growingolder puts me in mind of a stately old tree that has weathered many storms and yet still reaches for the sky with young, earnest branches, even with its roots running deep and spread far out. Getting older sounds so much more passive and resigned, like a frumpy old piece of furniture, decaying just by sitting there and doing nothing.
But enough of that . . . . Today I have a few new exhibits for our thought museum here at Adulting – Second Half. Most of these exhibits belong in the same room. They center around the idea of “intuition.” Intuition is less, “What do you think about this?” and more, “What do you feel about this?” Here are the exhibits:
+ “Intuition is the sum of all of the times you’ve ever trusted yourself.” The paradox of this is, the more that you trust yourself, the stronger your intuition.
+ “Your path is more well-lighted than you have been allowing yourself to realize.” – Esther Hicks
+ “Having a fear of things going wrong is totally normal, but it’s not the same as having intuition or information that things will go wrong.” – Jessica Lanyandoo So, in other words, do not confuse fear for intuition. Intuition is generally calmer, quieter, clearer, less mutable and more confident than fear.
+ “Prayer is not asking. It is the longing of the soul. . . . It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Ghandi
+ “There is a close relationship between truth and trust.” – Mister Rogers
+ “Honesty: When your outer expression matches your inner belief. Truth: When your inner belief matches reality.” – Alan Cohen
+ “Are you listening to yourself or are you listening to the story you told yourself?”
Think of all of the times in your life, when you “just knew.” You didn’t always follow that “just knowing”, but the times that you did follow it, even when it was hard, even when it went against logic or others’ opinions, you were so happy that you listened to yourself. Then there are the times which we all can recall, when we didn’t follow our intuition, and it lead us to some regret. But the beautiful thing is, our intuition never gives up on us. It never gets snide and stubborn, angrily folding its arms, blasting us with, “You never listen to me! So forget it. I’ll never help you again.” Our intuition is always there, with its calm, sweet, all-knowing, quiet, wise demeanor inside of us, like a well-spring, or a candlelight that never gets extinguished, always ready to help lead us, even when we ignored it 14 times in a row. Our intuition will happily lead us to the next right step again and again and again, without admonishing us for disregarding it. What a lovely, unconditional gift implanted inside each one of us! Have you checked in with your intuition today?
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“At this age, I understand something I couldn’t have known earlier: aging is not about decline, it’s about distillation. You lose what doesn’t matter. You keep what does. The noise fades. The truth gets louder. What remains is clarity, gratitude, and a deeper relationship with yourself.
I no longer rush past moments, thinking there will always be more later. I know now that this is later. This is the season to savor—long walks, deep conversations, laughter that comes easily, stillness that feels like wisdom instead of emptiness.
Seventy-two has taught me that the real gift of time is perspective. You stop measuring life by what’s next and start measuring it by what’s meaningful. You ask better questions. You listen more carefully. You love with less fear and more presence.” – Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey turned 72 years old on January 29th. What she wrote about her birthday is quoted above. It was too profound to not include in this thought museum which I call Adulting – Second Half.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ Years ago, I mentioned on the blog that I have kept a daily journal for over a decade. That particular journal (and its easy to do, short answer format) is unfortunately out-of-print. You can sometimes find them used: Building the Best You by Caroline Harper. However, dare I say, I came across an ever better one! The FiveMinute Journal by Intelligent Change is a really easy-to-keep-up with thought-provoking daily journal. If you have been meaning to keep a daily journal, this one is an excellent place to start.
+ Last week, we lost another dear elder in our family. I’m in my mid-fifties. I am starting to lose my elders at a more rapid pace. I am finding myself more often empathizing with friends who are losing their own dear elders, in their families. One year, one of my friends lost both of her parents in rapid succession. I remember her saying that she kept running around, looking for “the adults” to come and to tell her what to do. It’s a swallow hard moment when you realize that you are “the adult”. It’s sometimes shockingly agonizing to realize that the “changing of the guard” is happening. It is sometimes overwhelming to realize that you and your generation are more and more quickly becoming “the elders.” And so the questions arise: Are we up to the task? Are we wise enough? Are we strong enough? Are we serene enough? Are we comfortable enough in our own skin, to be a much-needed comfort and support for those generations coming up behind us?
+ On a happier note, I just came back from another adventure. My daughter, a tennis enthusiast, got the opportunity to work for The US Open and so we joined her in New York City last week. We also got to visit with our eldest son and his fiancée and other family members and friends and we got to see a lot of really good tennis. Overall, it was a great trip and a nice way to end, what has turned out to be one of my favorite summers in a long while. While I’ll never be a “city girl”, you cannot beat the food choices, the eye-candy, and the endless energy that New York City has to offer. And contrary to belief, most New Yorkers are really nice people. They’re direct. They’re “to the point”, but New Yorkers always want to help in their own unique, practical, no-nonsense style. New Yorkers have a unified pride singular to their location. I’ve been fortunate enough to have travelled to many cities in my life, in the United States and abroad, and as I sat on the subway one day and I looked around at all of the variations and nationalities of people sitting in just one little subway car, it struck me that I have never seen this beautiful, truly diverse melting pot of variation anywhere else which I have been. I suppose if you are truly a melding of everything, you can better empathize with everybody and everything. And that is the real magic of New York City.
“Your Journal is like your best friend, You don’t have to pretend with it, you can be honest and write exactly how you feel” – Bukola Ogunwale
“There are constant cycles in history. There is loss, but it is always followed by regeneration. The tales of our elders who remember such cycles are very important to us now.” – Carmen Agra Deedy
“New York is not a city; it’s a world.” – Iman
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was listening to a podcast the other day and the woman who was being interviewed was in her fifties, like I am. She said, “I’m done auditioning.” And that really resonated with me. For so much of our lives we feel like we are auditioning for jobs, relationships, outside approval, memberships etc. and the beautiful thing about aging out of auditioning, is that we are at the “Take me as I am” stage and we mean it. We Mean It. Auditioning is exhausting. It often requires us to “pretend” and to be pleasers and to be guessers of what others want so that we can fulfill their expectations. And then all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off. We realize we are in the second half of our precious lives, we are on the other side of the bell curve, and auditioning has lost its appeal. It is kicked to the curb. And we feel sorry for people who are still “auditioning”, especially when they are trying to get a “part” in our lives. Auditioning was never necessary. Authenticity is the part that you and I were always meant to play.
Along these same lines, I have also lost patience for being an “audience” in my older age. When you no longer need the claps of approval of others to live your own authentic life, you realize audiences aren’t necessary either – for anyone. And while you are happy to validate and encourage your loved ones in their endeavors, you no longer care to be anyone’s “captive audience.” Audiences are not necessary when you are authentically living out your moments in peace and contentment. Being an audience is not being in an equally reciprocal, healthy relationship. In many ways, audiences are in a codependent relationship with “the star.” The star gets their temporary fulfillment from the outside adulation and attention and approval, and the audience gets their temporary fulfillment by being the provider of the drug of attention to the star. And this is okay for occasional entertaining “showtimes”, but when it no longer feels like a choice to be in the audience or not, or when the relationship feels like nothing more than a forever “show”, the entertainment value of it sinks fast. Age requires deeper meaning and connection. Shallow no longer fits the bill, when you are on the flip side of your lifetime.
“Eventually you just have to realize that you’re living for an audience of one. I’m not here for anyone else’s approval.” – Pamela Anderson
“I find I often do my best work when I’m not attached to the outcome of the audition.” – Lorraine Toussaint
“A 20-mile hike into the woods requires a 20-mile hike back out of the woods.”
I saw this quote a few days ago and it rang true in so many facets of life – i.e. weight loss, a lifetime accumulation of stuff, having a big family, and the true story of when our eldest son first moved up to New Jersey and decided to ride his manual, 3-speed bike across a bridge, over the river to explore New York City. It didn’t dawn on him until much later that evening, after he had exhausted himself exploring the Big Apple, that there would be an equally long ride back. (we don’t call him our “Absent-Minded Professor” for nothing)
A lifetime friend of mine recently brought up her fears and sadness about the thoughts of us all getting older and experiencing the ailments and losses that getting older often brings. I immediately got defensive and I reminded her that it would not be unusual now, for all of us to live well into our nineties which means we have close to half our lives still to live. “We’re not old!” I practically screamed. And as 50-somethings, we’re really not that old, but we are definitely on the 20-mile hike back out of the woods.
The hike back out is always a little bit easier. You have a better idea of what to expect. You get to revisit areas on your trail, and you get to bypass rocky terrain that you now know exists. You’re more experienced. You usually have better footing on the hike back out of the woods. You’ve already eaten and drank up most of your sustenance, and so you now have a lighter load. You understand more what you no longer need to have with you on the journey back. The hike back out is less about preparation and anticipation, and more so, about truly savoring and taking in what you may have missed on the hurried, restless hike in. You tend to take the hike out of the woods, a little less rushed. You’re a little more tired, but in a good way. You’ve proven to yourself that you have the mettle it takes to make this journey. There’s a saying that people often say with a resigned sigh, “It’s all downhill from here!” but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. When I am on a real hike up a hill or a mountain or an endless staircase, I am always extremely relieved that the way back is “all downhill.” It’s easier. I breathe easier. I feel nimbler and I’m still basking that I made the proud, adventurous climb in and up. Mostly though, on my journey, I’m grateful that so many of the people whom I travelled into the woods with, are still with me on our way back out. And I am so grateful for the new ones whom I am still meeting along the way, and of course, I am always grateful for the ones who always loyally travel with me, and guide me, as I deeply sense their presence, in the spirits of the winds and the birds and the trees.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ One time a man told me that life is like a toilet paper roll. It goes faster as you get towards the end. It’s always bothered me to feel the truth in that statement. Today I read an article that stated that it is a common phenomenon for people to feel like time goes faster as we get older, but obviously that’s not true. It’s just a perception. Sixty-minutes was an hour when we were twelve, and sixty-minutes is an hour, now. Scientists believe that this perception comes from the fact that when we are younger we are experiencing a myriad of novel and new complex situations. Everything which we experience is new to us, when we are young. Our brains seem to slow down, in order to process and assimilate all of this new information. As we get older, we are often stuck in familiar routines and we tend to experience far less novelty. We almost get lost in large swaths of time that seem to pass in a blink of an eye. Researchers suggest that if you want time to appear to slow down, add change into your life. Try new experiences and learn new skills. A study was done where they asked teenagers and elderly people to explain the same experience which they all had just gone through together. Teenagers added a lot more detail about what they had all experienced, almost like a slow motion picture. Older people, didn’t recount nearly as much about the experience. Some scientists believe this is about our brains and neural pathways being less pliable as we age, but others think that it is more because when you’ve lived a lot of life, the details of all your experiences kind of all meld into each other, whereas when you are young, each experience is fresh and new, with less to compare it to, so the details of happenings appear more vivid and unique to young people. Apparently, the secret to “slowing down” life (perception-wise) is to take time to notice the details (take time to smell the roses), and to constantly expose yourself to new and unique experiences. In short, we older folks should try not to get “set in our ways”, if we want time not to fly away on us. Friends, slow your roll.
+ For those of you who are feeling a little tired and frustrated, and maybe questioning a passion project that seems to be at a standstill, read this quote by Matt Reilly and decide whether it resonates (I hope that it’s the boost you need, and if the quote doesn’t resonate, then you have your answer – you have found the natural ending of this particular endeavor) – “You haven’t come this far, to come this far.” Keep in mind the parable of the long distance swimmer who was exhausted and just about to give up, when suddenly the clouds lifted, and she realized that the shore was only a few feet away.
+ For those of you who miss my Friday favorites, I am giving you a day early bonus of not one, but two favorites of mine. The first favorite is this really cool, PersonalizedEngraved Compass that I purchased for my husband for Valentine’s Day from Uncommon Goods. The compass is lovely. It is very good quality, it shipped safely (especially for being a personalized item) and arrived quickly and most importantly, it was quite the hit with my true love! For those way-showers, and True Norths of your own life, consider getting them this: https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/personalized-engraved-compass?srsltid=AfmBOoq_wWwzJvmZGIS_sMfzn7u07IPI5Lempgq593c5ZmlRQU7AGzHN
And my new enthusiastic favorite: Castor Oil I have been experiencing some achy muscles lately, particularly in my neck and shoulders and after reading an article about the wonders of Castor Oil for pain relief and moisturization (and a gazillion other things – the Ancient Egyptians believed that Castor Oil was the ointment of the gods.) I purchased some and I am in awe of the difference I felt, in just one day. Make sure that you get pure cold-pressed, organic castor oil, preferably in glass bottles. (supposedly better). There are many options on Amazon.
“My soul can find no stairway to Heaven other than the beauty of the Earth.” – Michelangelo Buonarroti
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Lin
When you have spent a good portion of your life striving to get ahead, raising a family, doing your best in the societal constructs of our times, and you come to a point of culmination – family grown, savings in the bank, learning from your past achievements and your failures, you give yourself a little timeout time to just breathe, and to bask, and to celebrate, and to reflect. And then . . . . the fear of growing stale and bored starts building up in you, and so you start to explore new things for new times. And these new things feel exciting and scary and uncomfortable and necessary if you want to continue to grow. My husband and I are starting baby steps into some new things, for this new phase of our shared lives.
Recently, my husband and I talked to each other about an older couple who lives across the street from us. Our neighbors are kind, and predictable and reliable. They are a comfort to watch them in their completely regular everyday routines. They are like a wonderful, well worn pair of your favorite slippers. But this couple is older than us – much older. We aren’t ready for “settled in our ways” yet. And so we have started considering new ideas and new interests and this is kind of unsettling. We are brushing the dust off of some of “our old ways”, and we are getting brave to explore parts of ourselves which we may have yet to discover. We are stirring things up to get “unsettled in our ways.”
If I have seemed distant and distracted on the blog lately, it’s because I am. I am propping up my courage to actively explore what I want in the next five years, and beyond. I am trying to get really real and authentic with myself, about what is working, about what isn’t working, and about what needs to change, and about what needs to be brought in, and about what needs to be let go, now that I am at the early stages of a brand new era of my life. I am starting to execute ideas that have been building in my mind, and this is exhilarating and intimidating all at once. I haven’t felt those kinds of feelings, this deeply, for a while, since I was finishing up my last stage of the first half of my adulthood. I understand that these are just the cycles of life, which keep on cycling us forward into our futures. And like all of the beginnings of my past life cycles, I am full of hopefulness and trepidation in equal measures. But the energetic momentum keeps me moving forward into new adventures. I honestly can’t wait to see what is up ahead and around the bend.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
Hi Friends!!! Happy Friday!!! Happy Best Day of the Week! On Fridays, I keep my thoughts on the surface. On Fridays, I focus on stuff that I like. Fridays on the blog are called “Favorite Things Friday.” Recently I read an article that stated, as you age, you are either more prone to wrinkling or to sagging. Now, I have both issues, but I believe that I am more prone to sagging, particularly in my jowls area. I am loathe to try something potentially expensive, dangerous or disfiguring, at this point in the aging game, but I did spring for a $20 Jaw Exerciser by Facefit on Amazon. Keep your expectations in check. This is not a substitution for a facelift, but I do believe I have noticed a subtle, but positive difference and it is easy to do the exercises when I am doing things at my computer, such as writing this blog. I also try to smile more frequently in my older years. Smiling is the cheapest, most effective facelift around!
Smile! It’s Friday! Enjoy your weekend! See you tomorrow!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
419. Do you tend to “live” in the past, present or future?
The Olympics closing ceremony was yesterday. Weren’t the Olympics great this year? The little ones start back to school today, in our neck of the woods. I heard the school busses making their rounds. We picked up our daughter at the airport last night, who flew in after her study abroad experience that she had this summer in Europe, and she already headed back to her university this morning, for sorority rush events. Our visiting adult kids left yesterday to go back to their own lives and schedules and I . . . . am exhaling.
Despite knowing that we have at least a couple more months of hot and sticky summer weather to endure, from a lifetime of living by the rhythm of school schedules, it definitely feels like I have yet another summer underneath my belt. I have experienced 53 summers in my lifetime. You enter into every summer with excitement and anticipation for plans of fun and leisure and relaxation and reunions and vacations and casual celebrations, and then it kind of takes you by surprise when seemingly all of the sudden, summer’s over. We had been planning my daughter’s summer in London for a long time. Everything went without a hitch. I am so grateful. I’m so relieved. And I am so happy to have her back in our country. And I honestly can’t believe that this long anticipated experience is now just a lovely memory in the past.
Someone once told me that aging is like a toilet roll. “The closer you get to the end,” he chuckled, “the faster it goes.” I thought that this was hilarious when I first heard it (when I was a bit younger). Now, I’m just aghast at the truth of it.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
