Tag: comfort

Frislands (or Islands of Friday)

I recently read about a theory created by psychologist Pauline Boss, that states when going through times of big changes, loss or upheaval in anyone’s life, we need “islands of certainty.” These are stable, familiar entities that give us a sense of normalcy which we can “cling to” while moving through change. Boss puts these islands of certainty into four main categories (conveniently they all start with the letter “p”) : People, Practices, Places and Possessions

What people (and/or pets), rituals, regular haunts, and most treasured things give you a sense of comfort and stabilty? It is suggested to write a list of these precious parts of your life and update it regularly, so that when changes or surprises inevitably occur at different times, you have something to refer to, and to remind you of what and where you have to turn to, for comfort, for a sense of normalcy and certainty.

****And for old times’ sake (reminscent of my regular Favorite Things Friday posts of the past), I am going to add a new favorite of mine. I read that plastic jelly shoes were making a comeback this summer and I thought, “Not for me!” The first time jelly shoes came around in my lifetime, they were made of stiff, sharp edged plastic that inevitably created miserable blisters on my feet. Also, the jelly shoes’ colors would fade fast or inevitably get ugly marks on them. But alas, recently I got suckered into buying a new pair of tortoiseshell jelly ballet flats made by CUSHIONAIRE (I bought mine from Amazon), because an article in the New York Times insisted these were not the jelly shoes of yesteryear. And they were right! I love my Cushionaire jelly ballet flats! They are soft, stretchy, comfortable and they have an amazing cushiony sole. I wore my tortoiseshell jelly flats all day yesterday with a breezy pair of linen pants, and I felt cool and comfortable and fashionable, even as I was melting away in the hot air of summer. Happy Friday, friends. Friday will always be one of my Islands of Certainty!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Comfort Cairns

Screenshot

Hello, friends. I’m sorry that I have been MIA. I am busy working on my summer projects: cleaning out my house for a fresh start to our relatively new empty nest stage of life (see the meme above – I’ve probably gone into that store and many, many others like it, way too many times in my life), healing from another incredibly painful episode of cervical radiculopathy (so far, the most helpful has been electroacupuncture, but if anyone has any tips or suggestions out there, I’ll take ’em) and getting back to my equilibrium after a highly eventful first half of the year. (This takes longer the older that I get, I am finding.)

The other day, our elderly neighbor, who is always working on his lovely yard, donning his red/white/blue headband, (and I love this – this is one of my “comfort cairns”. I can look out of my window almost any day of the week and see my neighbor lovingly attending to his yard. It gives me a feeling of peace and serenity. It’s one of those calm places in the midst of the myriad of storms swirling about, on any given day. This is a good time to take a pause from reading my fascinating blog (wink), and think about what your “comfort cairns” are – examples of other ones of mine are watching our collie, Josie, lying in the grass “sunbathing”, lighting candles, bowls of feathers and rocks and shells that I have collected from my travels in life, the list goes on . . . . ) told me that he and his wife were going away to visit his brother and he asked me to get a package, that he couldn’t stop from coming, from their front stoop, when they were gone. So, I said, “yes”, of course, but I also told him that I would miss seeing him out in his yard. When I went to retrieve the package, I noticed two adorable little wooden Snoopy characters on stakes in the side garden by their front door. I texted my neighbor that I had gotten his package and that I loved their Snoopys. He texted me to remind him to tell me the story about the Snoopys when they got back.

So when my comfort cairn was reliably out in his yard after his trip, I asked him to tell me about the Snoopys. He smiled humbly, and he proceeded to say that his wife has loved Snoopy since she was a little girl. Her father was a carpenter and so her father made the wooden Snoopy stakes for her, but they were only the outline of Snoopy. (her father was a woodworker, not a painter) My neighbor said that they faithfully took the Snoopys from house to house, as they raised their family, and then, they finally moved them to the garage, in this current home, their retirement home. My neighbor said that right before Mother’s Day this year, he saw the wooden stakes hanging in their garage and he decided that he wanted to bring them to life for his wife. He bought some paint and he asked his artsy granddaughter to paint them, in order to really bring Snoopy alive. And so she did. And so my elderly neighbor’s elderly wife woke up on Mother’s Day, and she walked outside to see her beloved Snoopys dancing in her garden. And I thought to myself, what she really saw dancing in the garden was the love that her father and her husband and her family, have for her now, and for always.

And as I finish writing this post, I realize that one of my biggest comfort cairns (besides shopping for things that I don’t need) is writing this blog. <3

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Sherpa

How’s everyone doing this holiday season? Are you taking breaks and taking your own “temperature” every once in a while? I always find it a little surprising that when every year that we bring them out of the attic, our traditional Christmas decorations often look a little worse for wear. Despite the fact that the decorations are only placed out, in “safe spots”, for a few weeks out of the year, and then get carefully wrapped and put away safely in boxes for most of the year, they still get aged and frayed and faded and sometimes even broken. It turns out that the holidays can be wonderful and exhilarating, but they can also be a little hard on things. If the holidays deteriorate objects whose only job is to sit and to look pretty for three weeks out of the year, what might the holidays be doing to us?? Here’s a holiday hug from me to you! It’s okay if you are getting a little frayed, if your energy is blinking off and on, like Christmas lights with a short, and if at times, you are questioning if you might even be a little broken. Be gentle with yourself. You are more precious than your most favorite heirloom decoration. Treat yourself as such.

Kelly Corrigan recently quoted George Saunders who says that when you do good work, no one is going to ask you to stop. He says, “The mountain keeps growing as you climb it.” Be a good Sherpa guide to yourself this holiday season. Sherpas know that in order to keep climbing mountains, you have to take breaks. Sherpas know that in order to survive the mountain climb, you must have good boundaries as to how much you can do in any one day. Sherpas know that even if you are climbing the mountain as a group, the climb is really an individual pursuit for each climber, and every climb is unique, even if the same climb is achieved, year after year. The Sherpas most important duty is the safety and the rescue of any of their climbers in trouble. Be a good Sherpa to yourself this season of climbing Mt. Holidays. If we are honest with ourselves, there is only really one true summit in the end, and we all are going to reach it. The journey is far more important than any summit.

“The higher you climb, the more you realize how small you are in this vast universe.” – Tenzing Norgay, renowned Sherpa mountaineer

“The real hero of the Himalayas are not the mountaineers but the Sherpas!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wingmen

I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big. 

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

I love this quote. My editor (aka my husband) will read one of my blog posts about something that we both experienced, and he’ll say, “Wow, I didn’t see the story in that, but you did.” And sometimes he’ll try to correct little details to my stories because his memory is different than mine. (And then I’ll get mad, and I’ll insist that my storyteller persona deserves a little creative license) I digress. My overall point is, I do believe that most of us writers, remember a lot of seemingly inconsequential happenings, and we do “remember big.”

The other day, my friend sent to our group chat, a picture of her poor sick baby, all nestled, under warm blankets on the couch. Her baby is now home from college, and immediately came down with some nasty virus going around. Nestled right next to her baby, was my friend’s family’s fur baby, an adorable Yorkie named Skipper, who has been the longtime, perfect family dog, for a family who consists of three beautiful, vivacious daughters. When I texted how cute it was to see Skipper, being right there, comforting one of the beautiful daughters, my friend said that Skipper has always been the family comforter. She then texted a picture of Skipper nestled up, right next to my friend’s father-in-law who had been in hospice care in their home, a few years ago, before he died. “They’re always our wingmen,” I replied. And everyone on the chat agreed. We all love our dogs.

When we visited our son, who attends medical school in a different city, over this past weekend, I noticed a trio of pictures, placed above his computer in his apartment – a place where I imagine that our son spends a great deal of time. The left side picture was one of he and his two brothers, confident and arm-in-arm, on one of our family trips to the great outdoors, the right side picture was of he and his longtime girlfriend, laughing together on the beach, but the middle picture was a giant blow-up of our Labrador retriever’s face. Ralphie, our lab, does have a beautiful, soulful, expressive face. I believe that the picture reminds our son that he has a big, yellow, loyal, goofy, but brilliant wingman, who loves him immensely and unconditionally, and this wingman doesn’t even understand nor give a hoot about medical school. My son’s soulful wingman only cares to be there (even if only in picture form) to be a devoted, supportive form of comfort. How beautiful it is that our furry wingmen feel their own highest form of love and comfort, by just being it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

An Early Gift

How’s everyone doing this holiday season? As I say to my family, “I’m taking your temperature. How does it read?” I’m doing alright. I find that I am only able to handle my extra holiday stuff/chores in spurts. When I feel the mojo, I order some presents, or I make sure to tip the mail carrier. My husband and I still haven’t gotten our Christmas decoration mojo going yet, which is admittedly a little embarrassing, particularly at night, in our brightly lit, merry, “in the spirit” neighborhood, but honestly, not quite embarrassing enough to do anything about it.

I think what is difficult about the holidays is that regular life doesn’t stop. Our kids are headed into their finals, at their challenging universities. We have to help make decisions regarding a family member’s health. We still get the sniffles and various aches and pains. We still have to keep up our “appointments” – doctor, dentist, work, vet, haircuts, etc. Our own family also has birthdays and a graduation to celebrate. When I look at the illustration above, I can remind myself that I can decide how many extra decorations and bright lights (in the form of commitments) that I want to add to my schedule this year. The world won’t stop if my Christmas cards become New Years cards, or don’t even come into being at all. My neighbors will know that I am still their caring neighbor, even if I just put a wreath on the door this year. If we finally break down and buy an artificial tree, it will still house and protect our beautiful, meaningful ornaments and there are plenty of pine scented candles available to purchase and light.

Perhaps the best gift which we can give to ourselves this holiday season is a break. I will help you. Here is your gift, your gift of “a break”. We are giving ourselves this gift of a break early, when we can actually use it and it won’t get lost in all of the wrapping and kerfuffle:

And here is what is inside. This is for you to use whenever you need to, holidays and beyond. It’s your gift of “It’s okay.” Use it copiously. It has the magical powers of reenergizing you, and regenerating itself for whenever you need it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Welcome to Soul Sunday on the blog. Sundays are devoted to poetry here. I have chosen to share a poem written by a poet named R. DeArcos, which I think captures the feeling of how small and alone you feel when you are facing an enormous natural tempest. It is my personal spiritual beliefs that we are all one with all of creation, but when you are facing down a storm, you definitely feel small and alone. The storm is just being a storm. It’s nothing personal, but it sure feels that way.

This will be my last post regarding Hurricane Ian for a while. I promise. Most of our Floridian friends and family have spent this weekend processing our feelings about what we have just gone through. The build up of fear, uncertainty, feelings of being overwhelmed, guilt, sometimes perhaps even shame, survivor’s guilt, worries, anger, grief, etc. is all piled into your being and it takes a while, for these sensations to be fully released and washed away. (and for those people dealing with the major aftermath of Ian, those feelings will be stirring within them for quite some time) Honestly, the release of emotion is exhausting, but cleansing, until only relief and gratitude remains.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thrown Out

I have a couple of friends who are going through a lot of life changes that have been thrust upon them, suddenly, surprisingly and forcefully. By our ages, we’ve all been there – probably more than once. And the last thing that anyone wants to hear during one of these “tossed out of the nest” moments is, “Oh wow, this experience really is a gift. As the Narrator said in Fight Club, “It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything.”

That is truly the beauty of any moment, when you feel like life as you knew it, is falling away. You are no longer sitting tight in that warm little cocoon of your carefully prepared nest, and instead you are out in wide open space, flapping your wings desperately, not sure what direction to head in, other than not wanting to plunge down to your lowest depths. You are so scared, flapping fiercely in place, that you fail to see the amazing, wide open horizon that is available for you to soar in, and to fly in, in so many possible, exciting directions. In the initial “push out”, you often fail to realize the wide open beauty of the free skies, and you often fail to realize that you are still flying high, with the natural ability of your own strong, capable, experienced wings.

The Universe knows what it is doing. We humans often aren’t good at taking risks, trying to step out of our own little paradigms which we have created as orderly safehouses for ourselves. Much like we mothers innately know that eventually, in order to be good mothers, and in order to fulfill our motherly duties, we have to urge our little hatchlings out of the nest, the Universe does the same for us, on a much larger scale. The Universe understands our potential better than anyone, certainly better than our rational selves.

The initial “push out” from our various “nests” throughout our lifetime (starting when we leave the safety of our own mothers’ wombs), feels like a gut punch. Every. Single. Time. It’s at these times when our inner child starts screaming, “This is not fair!” And our inner child is right, life isn’t fair. But what our inner child forgets is that we are equipped to deal with the unfairness of it all. We are equipped with the ability to take really lousy situations and alchemize them into some of the most vital moments that have defined us, in our own lifetimes. We are filled with the strength to carry on, and to become versions of ourselves whom we love and whom we trust and whom we admire, like we never have before. And with each push-out of the various nests of our lives, we become better equipped with the confidence and the strength, to soar to authentic heights higher than we have ever before imagined. And in doing this for ourselves, we inspire other little birds who have just been pushed out of their nests, to see and to experience the divinity of soaring.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday is Good For U

“When you meet someone who is good for you, they won’t fill you with insecurities by focusing on your flaws. They’ll fill you with inspiration, because they’ll focus on all the best parts of you.” – Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

My daughter joined a sorority yesterday. When she was going through rush, one girl told her to pretend that she was lounging on a couch. The girl told my daughter to ask herself, “With what group of girls could you lounge on that couch, and feel most comfortably, happily and easily yourself?” My daughter told me that she found that perfect fit. She found her space on the right couch. And as a woman who is still extremely close to her best seven friends from her own wonderful college sorority, this makes my heart swell with happiness and hope. We women will always need other good women to paddle through life together. It’s in our DNA.

The emphasis here is of course on “good women“, and women and people, in general, who are “good for us.” As the quote says above, the people who are good for us won’t be judgy and overly critical. The people who are good for us will help us to discover our own very best gifts, and how best to utilize these gifts for ourselves and for our world. Judgmental people put up big blocks in relationships. The judgers cause people to get defensive, to shut down (for fear of more criticism), and they encourage others to start honing in on the critical person’s own flaws. (because none of us are flawless) For this reason, judgers often end up being extremely lonely, angry people. The people who are good for you, are just the opposite. These people will cause you to open up, and to bloom, and in this way, they will make you see the beauty in their own lovely, loving, wonderful characters, as well.

Okay, I get it. I’ve gotten off course. I’ve gotten a tad serious for a Friday post. My apologies. As my regular readers know, Fridays are devoted to the frivolous here at the blog. On Fridays, I list a favorite item, website, book, product, etc. that has made my sensory life nothing short of delightful. Please check out previous Friday posts for more of my favorites and please share your favorites, too. We can all have some of the same favorites. Todays favorite: Garlic Expressions Vinaigrette This salad dressing was supposedly created by a “legendary” supper club in Ohio. I love anything that contains garlic, but somehow this supper club encapsulated garlic in the most dreamy, light, liquid form imaginable. I got my first bottle at the Fresh Market, but I noticed that you can also order a bottle on Amazon.

Have a fabulous, frolicky, garlicy weekend! Spend time with the people who are good for you!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

“A poet’s work (is) to name the unnamable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it from going to sleep.” – Salman Rushdie

Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Sundays are devoted to the songs of our souls – poetry. Lately, I have been really moved by other people’s poems, so I haven’t been writing my own. I have two poems to share with you, written by other poets which I think are excellent works of words. I miss writing poems though, too. I think that I will work on some poetry this week. I hope that you will, too. Please share your poems in my Comments section. Have a poetic, idyllic end to the weekend.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Heart to Heart

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Today I am sending you a hug. And it is not a quick, little reminder that I love you, like the cute little “o” attached to the “x”, in a fleeting text, unless that is really what you would prefer. This is the kind of hug that is full of acceptance. This hug is a careful recipe full of “I know”, “I understand”, “It’s okay”, “You are not bad”, “You are not lost”, “I can help hold you while you feel your feelings, and then I keep holding you, as you release your feelings and let them pass on by”, “You are stronger than you know”, “You will survive and you will even thrive,” “You are doing great”, “You are more loveable than you could ever fathom”, “I see you”, “We are in this together”, “This too shall pass”, “Just breathe,” and all of this is held together by an extremely strong substance called Love.

One of the great things about being a 50-year-old woman is that my hugs pack a lot of punch. My hugs have a lot of experience and lessons and perspective, and also a curious mix of powerful strength and yet also gentle humility, built right into them. The recipe for my hugs has been simple-d down to the mostly “tried and true.” Did you ever get hugged by an 80-year-old woman? Your grandmother, perhaps? Let me tell you, those hugs are the real magic elixir. Those hugs will heal what ails you, for weeks and weeks to come.

Hugs bring hearts into extremely close proximity. Hugs help to transfer some of the deepest love and wisdom planted in one heart, into the other heart, all of the while reminding the receiving heart that all that it needs to keep on steadily beating, is already readily available and ever-replenishing, from its deepest depths. Hugs are like gentle, natural defibrillators.

Please pass on my hug today. Someone in your life needs one, no doubt. Don’t be afraid to offer a hug to a loved one, a friend, your dog, yourself. Soak it in. It’s good medicine . . . . I know . . . . I understand . . . . It’s okay . . . . I love you.

So here’s your hug: o

Or if you need more, here’s your hug: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pass it on.