Tag: empty nest

Birthday Reflections

Happy Birthday, USA! I was here for our bicentennial. I was five years old. I clearly remember all of the hoopla and all of the “schlock”. I read yesterday about a professor who created a large curation and collection of 1976 bicentennial “schlock”. (there was even a red/white/blue condom which referenced fireworks) He later donated the collection to one of the Ivy League universities, believing it carries important insight into our American culture. As I was reading the article, it occurred to me that this 250th celebration doesn’t seem quite as “in your face” as the 1976 one did. Now this could be because in 1976 I was a young child and everything seems bigger and more incredible when you are little, but I don’t think that is the reason. This year’s July 4th celebrations (other than in our nation’s capital) seem relatively subdued considering the milestone we have reached. But that’s okay. Because, honestly, we’ve gotten something much better than an overload of tacky red, white and blue crap. In a time period, when everyone is weary of divisiveness and politics and fearmongering, we got hundreds of thousands of visitors from all over the world, many with fresh eyes to our country, having never been here before, being perfectly astounded and amazed by what our people and our country have to offer: enormous portions of food and drink, gorgeous nature that goes on and on, friendly, kind people who want to make you feel welcome, air conditioning everywhere and running strong, sunshine, cultures within cultures, can-do optimism, giant trucks and cars, huge arenas and venues . . . . the list goes on and on and on. I keep watching the reels of excited visitors, as my eyes get misty. I’ve always been proud and utterly grateful to be an American, but this surprising reminder from foreigners of the many, many reasons why we are so lucky to be Americans is the best birthday present the USA could ask for – thank you, World Cup!

It also occurred to me yesterday that I will be lucky to reach the USA’s tricentennial. (I am going to have to cut down on my American large portions, if I even want a shot at it) I probably won’t be around to celebrate it, but America will. I have no doubts and the United States will be stronger, and more clear-visioned and more inspirational to the entire world than it ever has been before.

I follow a writer, who is sort of “new age” named Tam Veilleux. I was honestly a little surprised and totally delighted by how she closed out her most recent newsletter. These are her words (I couldn’t agree more nor say it better myself):

“Lastly, because this hits my heart so loudly: Happy Birthday, America. I’m wildly patriotic by nature. Maybe it’s the long line of family members who served in the military. Maybe it’s my deep appreciation for the revolutionary spirit of those who fought for freedom. Though we still have room to grow, I celebrate all that America is…its greatness and its growing pains. It’s home, and I love it deeply.

If you are an American reader, I hope this week finds you reconnecting with what you love about this country. And if you’re reading from elsewhere in the world, thank you for bearing witness to our growing pains and holding space for us as we continue learning how to become better citizens of Earth.

Sending big love and even bigger fireworks!“

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Randomness and Magic

I read a fascinating letter earlier this week, written by Jack Antonoff, who is the lead singer of the band Bleachers (one of their best known songs, and one of my personal favorites is I Wanna Get Better). Antonoff has written music with Taylor Swift and he is also a music producer. In his letter, Antonoff was basically blasting music creators who are using AI to create. Here are some excerpts for the letter:

“What we do has become an ancient ritual. . . . You don’t have to write music, you don’t have to record it and you don’t have to bring out the band and play it. And yet for us, the idea of optimizing what we do is a complete miss of the entire point of what compels us in the first place. We (myself, the band and everyone I know, frankly) have never been looking for this work to become quicker or easier. We were never frustrated by the randomness and magic it takes. We do it for that exact reason — and without the process itself ::: nothingness.“

“So to everyone who is gassed up about the new ways you can fake making art, by all means, drive right off that cliff. We’re genuinely happy to see you go. . . .Generations coming will be engaging in the ancient ritual of writing, recording and performing as it comes to us from God.”

“So as we embark on this strange detour where the bad actors will willingly reveal themselves through slop, and the struggling great will be further spread thin to make an honest living doing what they were put on Earth to do, we (myself, the band and frankly everyone I know) remain more dedicated than ever to reveal what comes from within. Writing music, recording and performing it — that’s it. Nothing more embarrassing than considering there is a way to optimize that holy process.”

I don’t know where I stand on using AI in the creative process yet. I don’t feel as angry about it as Jack Antonoff seems to feel. Creating with AI is all still so new and continually forming and reforming. I remain curious and hopeful. (that being said, I never, ever use AI to write this blog and with all of my grammatical errors and run-on sentences and odd transitions, that’s probably obvious) However, I completely agree with Antonoff that the real joy in any creative pursuit is getting caught up in the flow of something bigger than yourself. Writing feels like transcribing downloads from an entirely different realm. Painting, sewing, playing music, woodworking, cooking . . . honestly, doing any creative pursuit often makes time feel like it’s stopped. Like most things in life, the true joy of any creation isn’t really the final product, it is the process of bringing the creation to life. As Antonoff puts it, it is the “revealing what comes from within . . .that holy process . . . as it comes to us from God.” And as he stated, this is an ancient ritual. Over the weekend, we went to an art museum which we had never been to before and again, I was mesmerized by the rooms and rooms of ancient art from all over the world, many of these pieces being centuries old. All of these pieces were made from the ancient ritual and holy process of revealing the downloads coming from within, or perhaps coming from God.

There is probably a place for AI creations. AI is really just a super fast conglomeration and reiteration of what humanity has already brought into the world anyway. But I truly do hope that we don’t let AI rob us of the sometimes painstaking, but beautiful, healing, cleansing, humane, revealing process of birthing our own creations into this world. If we are honest with ourselves, creating is really the point of living and experiencing life.

I started this blog on a complete lark in the summer of 2018 when my husband and I helped our eldest son unload his things into his new apartment, in his new city, for his first job out of college. In a sense, writing this blog saved me. It saved the creative part of me that perhaps I had let get a little dark for a while. Thank you for witnessing and being part of my creative process and my flow of thoughts and my emotions, as they came to me from within, as I transcribed them from something deep and yearning in my heart. It is not lost on me, that as I just helped my youngest child unload her things into her new apartment, in her new city, for her first job out of college, that I feel an intense need and yearning to come back to the blog to write. I have so much download, and Adulting – Second Half is my favorite place to put these downloads. Again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May we never lose the sanctity of the “randomness and magic” it takes to create.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

We’re Here

I’m back. This past weekend, we dropped our daughter, and our youngest adult child of our four adult children, in her new state, in her new apartment, with her new roommate, who seems less like a new friend, but more like a person our daughter must have known in a previous life. It seems as if they are ladies who have fondly known each other for months and months, not for just a few days. And this is such great relief for this mama’s heart!

So now, it’s here. We’re here. (I keep repeating this to my husband. “We’re here.” And my husband, being the more practical and less philosophical one out of the two of us, keeps looking at me quizzically, but thankfully he always kindly stops short of saying, “No sh$t, we’re here.”) This is the moment which I have been anticipating since our eldest son graduated from high school 12 years ago and started the whole launching pad experience for his three siblings behind him. Our four charges are all fully launched. And it is now time for me to launch into a whole new phase of my own life. It’s here. We’re here.

I’ve written this on the blog before, but it is a worthy reminder (and a mantra that I have to tell myself daily, and sometimes many times each day) – Worry does not equal love. Confidence equals love. Hope equals love. Faith equals love. Assurance equals love.

The time is here. My family and I are here at this whole new phase of the game. I always tell my kids that the best indicator of future success is past success, so I am confident, hopeful and full of faith and assurance that this next stage is going to be fantastic. It won’t always be easy. It won’t be without its stumbling blocks and its learning curves, but it will be amazing. This next stage of life, for all of us, will be amazing.

Yesterday, I read a quote by one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho. The quote is this: “You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.” We humans are creatures of habits and these long habits can often create beliefs in us that can sometimes keep us submerged in places that we need to swim away from. We all occasionally fall into the rivers of unconscious rhythms, despair, ruts, confusion, and ennui from time to time. But if we take a moment to get calm and intentional, we can stop splashing around in worry, we can stop drowning in our feelings and false beliefs, and we can give ourselves the life jackets of confidence, hope, faith, assurance and love. We can stop fighting the current of our lives and instead choose to curiously float with it, to the next interesting destination, waiting right around the corner . . . . the best is yet to come! It is. And we’re here for it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Retirement Blues

So many of our friends and contemporaries are now contemplating retirement and what that will look like. It comes up as a topic of discussion more than it ever has before. When we talk about it with each other, it is always with excitement and anticipation, and with relatively high expectations of smooth sailing, so I was surprised to read an article the other day that suggested that retirement statistically is a time when people report higher levels of depression than any other times in their lives. Supposedly, the highest chance of developing depression during retirement happens right when you first retire, and then another statistically high incidence of depression in retirement tends to occur after the 1-3 year honeymoon period of retirement is over.

The article cited the best ways to overcome these lost, lonely, sad feelings. First, it is important to still create some sort of reliable structure of your days. Next, keep regular (not sporadic) human contact, such as attending weekly club meetings or luncheons. Also, it is important to find some sort of broadly defined sense of purpose (some people help take care of their grandchildren and/or find an area of volunteering that marries their interests and expertise) and finally, be honest and open about your feelings and struggles about the changes retirement has brought to your life with trusted others. (The article stated that this seems to be particularly hard for a lot of men to do, but it is painful and sometimes even dangerous to struggle alone.) People tend to feel shock, shame and embarrassment when they experience depression in a time that they thought would be one of the happiest times of their lives. It helps to talk it out and realize you are not alone in your feelings.

As my regular readers know, I use Adulting – Second Half as a depository of thoughts, reflections and helpful information (mostly for myself, but it makes me happy that others also find it to be a helpful resource). Since my main job in my adult life was to run our household and to raise our four children, as we take our only daughter, and our youngest child and last to leave the nest, to her new home state next week, it occurred to me that I have finally reached my full retirement. I’ve been “easing” into retirement since our daughter left for college four years ago, but my retirement truly and fully starts for me, next month. As I am swirling in mixed emotions right now, I believe that I have my expectations in place. As it is often said about so many things these days, “It’s a process . . . .”

“Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown

“Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” – Henry Emerson Fosdick

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” – Bill Watterson

“Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you always have been.” – J. A. West

“My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.” – Julius Sharpe

“Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.” – Gene Perret

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Seneca

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

First Time

Yesterday I read a delightful article that I had trepidations about reading at first. The article was about foreigners visiting the USA for the first time in order to experience the World Cup. It was a collection of social media posts about what their thoughts were about America, now seeing it for the first time. And although I didn’t know what the slant of the article would be at first, thankfully, this was a kind and thoughtful collection of posts. These first-time foreign visitors were thrilled with visiting all-American places like Taco Bell and Wal-Mart and Waffle House. (this reminded my daughter and I about when we were on a flight home from Europe one time, hearing two young European women talking excitedly about trying pancakes for the first time, immediately when they landed in the USA) Some of the posts were about how green and wide-open the visitors found America to be. One German man stated that the forests seemed to go on and on and on. The article’s point was about what a joy it is to get to experience these “first-timers” experiences along with them. It brought some magic back to our ordinary, everyday All-American things. Seeing others delight in what we often take for granted, is perfect timing, with our country’s 250th birthday right around the corner.

There is something so special about experiencing anything for the first time. This is why I am often wary of experiencing the same places or things more than once. The “next time” just never seems to hold the same excitement and awe as the first. You have to adjust your expectations to understand that familiar places, and things, and experiences will often not live up to the hype of your memories when you go to experience them again. However, the best remedy to this, is to bring someone with you, who’s never seen or experienced what you already have, and then delight in their own delight. When you get to look at what has become known or ordinary to you through the fresh eyes of someone else, the vicarious thrill and pride and remembrance is a feeling which is almost as good as any wonderful first-time experience. Their appreciation becomes a renewed appreciation in yourself. In this way, you sharing a special place or experience with a newcomer, becomes a gift to yourself, as well. No wonder why our kindergarten teachers knew that sharing was the most important lesson to impart to us, because sharing is a loving gift that lasts a lifetime for both the recipient and the sharer.

It is also true that excitement begets excitement. When I go somewhere that I have never been, I get giddy, like a kid in a candy store. And I can feel the locals attracted to my happiness and so they often go out of their way to make my experience as amazing as it can be. They have a renewed sense of honor and confidence about what they are offering in their corner of the world. It is my gift to them, to help them to feel this way again about “their stuff and their turf”, and it is their gift to me, to share the best that they have to offer.

It’s so easy to attack and look for the faults in anything. When I look at the list that some of the people visiting were excited about: Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, Waffle House – I can feel a sneer forming on my lips. But it’s not about the places. It’s about experiencing something new like you’ve never seen. It’s interesting to experience almost anything novel, even if you decide it’s not anything you would ever want to experience again.

I hope that we all offer the best that we have to our World Cup visitors. And I hope that they look for the best in us. It is a truth in life that you often see what you look for, and when you look at things with curiosity and enthusiasm and optimism, what you see and what you get, add up to amazing memories that last a lifetime, like the first time a delicious, steaming stack of pancakes was headed your way. And the only real way to experience that feeling again, is to watch someone happily dig into the first pile of pancakes which they have ever tried.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Gaping

Our only daughter, our youngest of four kids, and the last to leave the nest, takes off in about a couple of weeks, for a fabulous new job opportunity, in a state that is a two-day drive from us, in a whole different time-zone. Lately, my sweet friends and relations have been sending me texts, kindly asking me how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. My pat answer has been, “Doing well, just trying to soak her all in. Smiley emoji. Thumbs up emoji.” Perhaps I should go with the more truthful, modern answer, “I don’t know. It’s complicated.” But, I won’t. I don’t want anyone to try to poke at my carefully created shield. I’m still in “mother-mode.” I’ve got to be my daughter’s cool, calm, collected safety net. I’ve got to be that reassuring presence that tells her (and tells me) that everything is going to be okay. And it will be. I know this from the bottom of my heart, but still . . . How am I feeling about all of this?

I don’t know. It’s complicated. It’s a complicated mash of every feeling under the sun that I’m still trying to keep under the lid of my shield – a shield that protects others from a violent storm of emotion that would only inevitably be followed by that way too uncomfortable cloud of discomfort and cringe which just hangs in the air after any kind of explosion of passionate feelings, and also a shield that protects me from an intensity of feelings that I’m not ready to feel yet. I have so many feelings flying around, under the radar of my carefully crafted shield, that I have even witnessed myself having strong feelings about those feelings, all swirling around, all at the same time. And right along with this massive, swirling cone of conflicting emotions, I have an internal high and mighty judge and jury telling me which of these feelings are “correct” for me to have, and which of these feelings are “wrong” and “shameful.” Honestly, a statement that has always been hard for me to grapple with is “Both things can be true at the same time.” This is a hard concept for me. I like cut and dry. I like logic. I like “truth.” I get annoyed when people use the term “that’s my truth” too much. It seems like a cop-out to me. I like to believe that there are actually a fair amount of factual truths that just can’t be denied. And yet, when it comes to feelings, I’m having to come to terms with the idea that “eight million things can be true at the same time.” And that is the truth. And that’s okay.

How am I feeling about all of this – my youngest now really and truly embarking on her adulthood and moving far away from me, bookended by two of her brothers’ weddings, all in the span of a few short months?

Overwhelmed. Happy. Sad. Nostalgic. Relieved. Excited for them. Excited for me. Excited for my husband. Worried for them. Worried for me. Worried for my husband. Tired. Proud. Impressed with myself. Disappointed in myself. Hopeful. Out of sorts. Organized. Disorganized. Astounded. Needy. Ecstatic. Protective. Patient. Impatient. Grateful. Scared. Small. Big. Guilty. Enough. Not Enough. Supportive. Not wanting to be supportive. Listless. Astounded. Scattered. Lost. Found. Misdirected. Accomplished. Agitated. Confused. Insecure. Exhausted. Lonely. Craving solitude. Reflective. Empathetic. Energized. Fearful. Confident. Faithful. Old. Newly young. Free. Righteous. Curious. Doubtful. Even sometimes angry, and maybe even a little envious of all the new experiences that my children all have ahead of them. Open. Assured. Defensive. Questioning. But mostly, I feel gaping. I feel totally gaping with Love and Vulnerability. Gaping. Yep, I feel absolutely gaping wide.

How am I feeling about all of this change in my life? (shield goes up)

Thank you for asking. I’m good. I’m just trying to soak my daughter all up before she leaves. Smiley emoji. Thumbs up emoji.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Memories

I got caught in a rabbit hole the other day when I was busy researching a movie I know that I will never choose to see. The movie is the new horror phenom called Backrooms, produced by a young man in his early twenties. I have not seen a true horror film in over a decade (I don’t mind thrillers, but pure horror films are not good for my psyche, nor for anyone who has to be around me (for weeks and weeks and weeks) after I have viewed one) What intrigued me the most during my exploration of my crazy little, pointless rabbit hole, was a comment made by someone underneath the movie trailer. The comment was this:

“They say when you remember something you aren’t recalling the original event, you’re just recalling the last time you remembered it. So it’s always going to be a little different every time.”

I don’t know if this statement is true or not. My husband detests when I start any conversation with “They say . . .” He is one who quickly asks, “Who’s “they”?” However, I have a hunch that the above statement does have a lot of truth to it. My youngest son was recently on a jury, and he stated that the most muddling part in the jury’s deliberations, was just how much the recollection of the details of the story of the event, had changed over the years.

Wouldn’t your current emotional state of being and your current state of affairs have a large effect on how you perceive not only what is happening now (and what you hope to have happen in the future), but also have a large effect on any memories which you currently bring to the forefront of your mind? When I am remembering past happenings, it always strikes me as unusual as to what actually has stuck out for me in any particular memory. Sometimes seemingly meaningless objects or statements are what sticks in my memory bank, the most. I’ve noticed as I’ve aged that my short term memory (which has never been my strong point to begin with) seems to worsen, yet I often surprise myself with what my long term memory is able to recall.

“They say” (ha!) when you’re focused on your past, you tend to live either in regret or in fantasy of a romanticized past, and when you are focused on the future, you are swarming yourself in anxiety. In today’s fast-paced, technologically focused world, mental health practitioners continually preach the power of staying present. We all know the wisdom of presence, but practicing it regularly, for some reason, is not an easy task for most of us. Maybe we don’t love our peaceful states of being, as much as we pretend that we do. Maybe being “peaceful” bores us. Perhaps we like to embellish our memories or freak out about our futures, because we like the the thrill of intense emotion more than we like to admit. Maybe being the narrator of our stories makes us feel like we have more control of ourselves and our lives than we really do? I don’t really know. I bet “they” know . . . . .

“We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” – Cesare Pavese

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.” – Oscar Wilde

“What am I? … The sum of my past experiences, tied up together in a bundle with the string we call memory.” – H. G. Wells

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Vibration

This is the time of year for commencement speeches. And I’m a sucker for them. I remember years (and years and years) ago, I was on a team of college textbooks salespeople, and we were at a convention with a long schedule of motivational speakers. My boss groaned at the start of every speech. And I pretended to agree, but honestly, I was rapt. I’m always looking for nuggets of wisdom. I’m always looking for the emotional connection of a room full of people resonating with the same ideas and the same values. I love the shared rhythm of nodding heads and hands wiping away tears, sometimes in unison.

My aunt sent me Eric Church’s 2026 commencement speech for UNC and I just finished watching Conan O’Brien’s 2026 commencement for Harvard. They both used their unique talents of music and of comedy to make poignant points in their speeches. They both spoke of the vital need for humility. They both spoke of the reality of how much difference, the other people in any one person’s life make (even the haters), to form anyone’s individual success in life. Two men, from two very different walks of life and probably having many different ideas about life and politics, still spoke mostly of the things that matter the most, to most of us. And it resonated.

Maybe there is a deep universal reason why we so desperately cling to the rituals of life. I just attended the last commencement (at least for a while) of our four children, when our daughter graduated from college this month. I also just attended my eldest son’s wedding. And in both of these situations, I felt the borders of myself getting fuzzy, like I had melted and I was stirred in with everyone else who was attending these events with me. I felt like I melted into a sea of shared pride, hope, awe, and understanding that it is in these stirring moments in life, when we unabashedly let emotion rise to the surface like a wave, that we really all are connected in the ways that are truly crucial to our humanity. People sometimes have a hard time with the concept that everything in this world is really just energy vibrating, and we are all just a small little blip of this vibration. Still, it is in the “big” rituals of our lives that we all seem to naturally step into this same vibration, and that vibration is universally understood. We all feel it. We all know it. It can only be love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Formula for a Great Life

“winning = knowing the most love. I know you just threw up a little bit in your mouth but I have to tell you the truth and that is it. If you know how to love people with abandon and you know how to let people love you back, you will have a great life. That’s not my opinion. That’s not fake news. That’s what the research tells us.” – from Kelly Corrigan’s commencement address

I think this is why people love weddings. Love wins at weddings. People are so open about their joy and their happiness and their love for each other at weddings. People more easily put away their differences, their insecurities, their inhibitions and their self-consciousness while celebrating a marriage. People show their love for each other with great abandon at weddings and everyone feels the celebration and the connection. Kelly Corrigan makes a great point, though. Sometimes it is really easy to love others, but it is harder to let other people love you back. But that’s not the meaning and fullness of love. When you don’t let others love you, you are robbing them of sharing their lovingness. Love is not a one-way street. Love is. Love has created everything. Love is all that there really is, and when you live your life, knowing that formula, not just at weddings or other celebratory events, but in every conscious moment of your daily living, you can’t help but have a great life. There is no better feeling, no better way of being than to throw caution to the wind, and to inhabit and to become love, with wild abandon, every single day of your life. If you don’t think that your life is going so great, try adding some love to the mix. Try narrowing down your everyday life to what makes you feel loved, loving and in the essence of love. The formula works and it is available to all of us. It is the natural core of our very being.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Anesthesia

My daughter-in-law hired a “day of wedding coordinator” named Anastasia for the wedding last week. My daughter-in-law’s mother’s Autocorrect feature on her cellphone, constantly changed the name “Anastasia” to “Anesthesia”, which while amusing, was actually quite apropos. I don’t know if I have ever met a more calm, soothing, serene woman than Anastasia in my entire life, particularly at a wedding. Anastasia was like an eight-armed goddess as she sewed, handed out flowers, took instant photos, steamed dresses, and calmly reminded everyone where they should be at any given time, all at once, and all of the while, maintaining the aura of pure peace and serenity. Whenever we had a question or concern, we would joke with each other that Anastasia would magically, and instantly appear, sometimes out of the fireplace, or the floorboards, to answer the question or to solve the problem, calmly and confidently. It reminded me of a long time ago, when we were on the Disney Cruise with our four young children. It was at that time that I started truly believing that Disney magic was actually the real deal, when again, the beyond cheerful crew and smiling staff appeared almost miraculously and instantly, in order to solve any issues or upsets, with just a wave of Tinkerbell’s wand. Throughout the day and night, my daughter-in-law kept repeating that Anastasia was easily the best money spent on the wedding.

It was at one point during the evening, right before the wedding was to start, that I blurted out, for no particular reason, “I WANT an Anastasia in my life.” Then, a second later, in a lightbulb moment, I blurted out, to no one in particular, but to anyone in earshot, “I think that I am my family’s Anastasia.”

My middle son, about to take a bite out of a piece of the pre-wedding pizza, matter-of-factly stated, “You are, Mom.” Then he continued to joke around with the other groomsmen.

This was one of those personal a-ha moments that came out of left field for me. It occurred to me, just in that very moment, that our family always did have a live-in Anastasia. It was me. We moms are our families’ “Anastasia/Anesthesia”. Now I’m not going to pretend that I ever pulled it off with such placid and tranquil vibes that the real Anastasia imbued. I’m not go to pretend that I never had a meltdown in a crisis. But overall, I fully understood that it was my job to make sure that our family’s schedule/celebrations/sporting events/ceremonies/appointments/feeding times/surprise emergencies, etc. etc. were all handled, and executed in a timely manner, day after day. I was the one who made sure that the Venn Diagram schedule of each member of our family, happened and flowed, in the best way possible. And all of my other fellow moms did the exact same thing for their families. And sometimes, we even pulled it off, with totally unruffled energy, making it look simple and seamless. Damn, we were good. Damn. We are good.

When our four kids were little, it was never the physical work that made me totally exhausted (although it certainly added to the mix), it was the mental exhaustion that got to me every time. I would often wish that someone would just hand me a timed schedule, and a to-do list, and a recipe and a plan for what to make for dinner, all which I could accomplish in a tranced-out robotic state and still have time and energy for my own interests and hobbies. (My husband will be forever scarred by the one time that he called me at a McDonalds to ask me what exactly he should order for each of the four kids, on a rare Mommy’s Night Out. Let’s just say that I didn’t have a serene response.)

I’m not writing this in “victim-mode.” This choice to be the matriarch of my family is the best decision that I have ever made in my entire life. I would make the exact same decision again and again. Being the female head of my family, is my honor, privilege and my greatest pride. However, lately, I am starting to get a better understanding and a closer-up glimpse, that it really is time for me to start pulling way back, scaling down my self-described duties, in order to just really put my focus on being a lighter-duty Anastasia – a concierge, mostly for myself. This is a strange adjustment. This transition doesn’t happen instantly. It starts slowly when one kid moves out, and then another. It becomes more obvious, when the kids graduate and find loving, responsible adult partners who are looking out for them, too. It’s the realization that the grocery cart doesn’t need to be nearly as full anymore. It’s the mental and emotional shift of being an active creator of the life of your family unit, to becoming the more passive experiencer/observer of the expanding lives of your family. It’s the realization that your family has now become plural. There are multiple sprouts growing in the family garden now. Your family is becoming “families.”

As a mom, I will always be an Anastasia/Anesthesia in some form or other. It comes with the territory. It’s a hard habit to break. Something tells me, I’ll pull off a serene Anastasia a little bit better with my future grandchildren. I certainly hope that I have the opportunity to try.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.