relationships Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Considerations (it’s a Thursday Thing)

+ For some reason, this particular post that I wrote four years ago, has been trending a lot lately (and since I have been asked by more than one person – unfortunately the bougainvillea and the house pictured is a stock photo and not actually mine.) It’s not a bad post, if I do say so myself. (and this is when my late grandmother would say, “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”)

The Bougainvillea

+ A friend once told me that her marriage counselor said that in long relationships, it’s like being married to eight different people at different times, and so some people are capable of handling this, and some are not. I’m not sure that I agree with this statement completely. I do believe that we mature and we grow and we change (all of us) as life goes on, but I also believe that certain traits and values are pretty hardwired to go the distance with us, throughout our lives (even the ones that we wish we could change). What are your thoughts on this? I am reminded of the wise old adage that says, “Women go into marriage hoping to change the man, and men go into the marriage hoping that the woman never changes.” As a mother of two engaged sons, who have been with their sweethearts for many years, I ponder these things more. I have high hopes for my sons’ beautiful love stories which I am so grateful to witness them, as they gently unfold.

+ A quote I saw recently, I found deeply motivating, and as a person with many decades of life behind me, I have experienced this as fact many times in my own life, and I have often witnessed it happening in the lives of others, too. Know this: “Everything you want, wants you even more.” (just remember that “what you want” is most likely the feeling that you think “what you want” is going to get you. Explore why you want that feeling. And then realize that there are many ways to achieve that feeling that you think that you will get from “what you want”, more than just the far off, highly detailed, specific way you think you have to go about, in order to achieve the feeling. If happiness is what you want, it wants you even more. It is here for the taking. Explore.)

+ If you follow astrology at all, we are in a period of a lot of planets in “retrograde.” Some people believe that this means that people and places and things from our past, will often come around again, to make sure that what we needed to learn and to grow from these particular experiences, has actually happened. If you are experiencing an ex (romantic or otherwise) coming back into your life, Nate Postlethwait has written an excellent guide to “the roadmap to reconciliation.” It’s wise to ponder this roadmap, before jumping right back in. I’ve simplified and paraphrased it here:

Has the other person fully owned their behavior which lead them to becoming an ex in the first place?
Has the other person done “the work” (i.e. sought help from therapy, or groups like AA or self-help, etc.) to fully understand and empathize with the impact of their behavior on you?
Has the other person sincerely apologized for their behavior (showing true empathy and understanding for why you are upset)? A good question to ask here is, “How do you think that made me feel?” People who are incapable of true empathy will struggle with this question.
Has the other person been held accountable for the abusive things that they have done? Have they worked to make amends?
Has the other person stepped out of the victim role, and stopped blaming others for what has happened? Have other people stopped enabling this person to continue their abusive behavior and scapegoating and gaslighting, as well?
Has the other person expressed that they have created peace and healing in their own life, whether you reconcile with them or not? (this shows that they are not just pretending to “change” with the ulterior motive/manipulation of just getting you back into their lives. It shows a true motivation to heal the unhealthy parts of themselves, for themselves, to lead a better life with more fulfilling relationships going forward.)

*****Until these things have happened, it’s probably not safe to bring something or somebody back into your life (at least not intimately), unless you want to experience more of the same abuse. It’s okay to love people from afar. Self-care is healthy and important. Being able to trust yourself, to protect yourself, is absolutely vital.

+ Finally, for those of you who have been wondering – yes, our son got a residency on Match Day in radiology at a major university hospital in our state! We are so thrilled and excited. This is the last year that all four of our babies will be in their twenties. I feel old just writing that, but more so, I feel incredibly thankful and blessed. The best is yet to come . . . . (believe it!)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thoughtful Thursday

Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.

The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”. Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.”

Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.

And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:

According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.

All the animals fled in terror

Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.

Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.

The Jaguar asked,
“What are you doing Hummingbird?

“I am going to the lake”, he answered.
“I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”

The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”

“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.”
“But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that.
I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”

I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”

At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest.

Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.

The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”

“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”

“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”

That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Tuesday’s Tidbits

It’s fascinating to me how the focus in our lives change, even if the circumstances don’t change that much. Something in our life grabs our attention like a project, or a trip, or a goal, or a crisis, or a pain, or a sickness, etc. and that situation takes the spotlight, even though everything else is happening pretty much like it would every other day. Right now, my focus is on my stuffed up head, and so everything else that was either bothering me or interesting me, has gone into the background. But soon this annoying sinus infection will pass, and I will be on to new irritations and intrigues. Such is the way of life. This is what is meant by, “This too shall pass . . .”

Here are some gems that I found in some of my inspiration notebooks that I thought that I would pass on for today (None of these are my own. I’m sorry for those quotes which are lacking credit. I’ve kept these notebooks for years, namely for myself, and shamefully, I was often lapse about writing down the source.):

+ “This is your permission to stop looking to be liked by people who don’t even like themselves.” – Nicole LaPera

+ “The shortest answer to your question: What would someone who loved him or herself do?” – Alan Cohen

+ “What comes at you, comes from you.” – Bert Winn

+ “A toxic situation is more likely to change you than you are to change it. Get out.”

+ “Honesty without kindness is cruelty. But kindness without honesty is manipulation.”

+ “You don’t get to pick the consequences of your actions.”

+ “Sometimes when you are invited, you’re still not welcomed. Know the difference.” – Wise Connector, X

+ “There are four natural sanctuaries: silence, solitude, stillness and simplicity.” – Brianna Wiest

+ “The light heart lives long.”

+ “Not what we have, but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” – Jean Antoine Petit-Senn

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2220. Which foreign language did you have to learn at school?

The 4th

My friend shared this beautiful writing by Cody Bret (see below). It is such a good reminder to not take things personally and to just to be your true authentic self. Always, always focus on the relationship that you have with yourself and make sure that it is a nurturing, kind relationship. The relationship that you have with yourself, is the most important relationship which you will ever have, and it helps to determine the quality of relationships that you will have with others. It is also good to remember that sometimes people just don’t have more room in their lives to foster and to keep any more deep, consuming relationships, and so they can be quite fond of you, and yet still not be available for the depth of relationship which you would like to have with them, and that often has NOTHING to do with how they perceive you. Finally, if you do have a visceral strong opinion about someone else, it’s always a good idea to explore those feelings. Underneath hate, dislike, discomfort is often a big mound of pain and recognition, asking for some healing. Often the people we despise are angels in disguise, leading us to our greatest mending and personal insights.

The way people view you.

Sometimes I think about the different characters I play in everybody’s story.

I’m a terrible person in some people’s narratives and a Godsend in others.⠀⠀⠀

And none of it has anything to do with the person I truly am. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The lens that others view you through is coloured by their upbringing, beliefs, and individual experiences.⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people see your bright personality as endearing and others see it as annoying.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people think you’re weak and emotional and others feel safe to be themselves around you.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people think you’re rude and selfish and others respect the way you stand up for yourself.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people admire the way you take pride in the way you look and others think you’re conceited.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And none of it has to do with who you truly are as a person.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

What you have to understand is that you have no authority over how people view you so never try to control the way others see you because the only thing that truly matters when the dust settles down at the end of the day is what you genuinely see in yourself.

~ Cody Bret

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1224. What’s your biggest challenge in the mornings?

Blip or More?

I read a really good tip offered up by the author and psychologist, Ramani Durvasula. She said that when she was in graduate school for psychology, they learned a really good tip for figuring out how to decide your own discernment about people, places and things. Say you meet a new person, or you visit a new store or restaurant, or you try a new product, and something less than savory happens. (nothing over-the top, or clearly dangerous or toxic – when this occurs, these things should be considered to be “one and done”) The first time this unpleasant experience occurs you can consider this experience to possibly be just a “blip.” Everyone has their bad days. The second time you experience this same type of occurence, it could be a “coincidence” but your ears should be perked. Your spidey senses should be tingling. The third time you experience this same type of frustration with the same person, place or thing, you are witnessing a “pattern” , and this pattern should become your expectation of this person, place or thing, going forward. You can then decide whether you really want this pattern to be part of your own experience and what kind of boundaries you can put around this pattern. In short, the first mishap is a blip, the second same mishap could be a coincidence, and finally, the third mishap is a PATTERN. This discernment tip gives you one extra bonus chance from the often stated, Randall Terry quote: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

711. How impulsive are you and what are you most impulsive with?

My Girls

I saw this posted this morning and I know that it is the truth. That’s why I think I keep my circles small. I “catch” other people’s energy really easily, and I have actually been around people who have made me have to run to the bathroom to vomit. Truth.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, the people who you feel so “at home with and connected to” are priceless. You feel that in your body, too. You breathe easy. Silences aren’t uncomfortable. You share space and everything just flows.

I am going to use this as a segue to a humble-brag. Our eldest son and his girlfriend of a few years flew down to visit us this past weekend. Then on Monday, our son headed to a 4-day conference, for his job, in a city close to our city. Ironically, my husband is attending a different conference in the same city. Our son’s girlfriend asked to stay here, and hang out with me this week. I am thrilled. I have one daughter but two of our sons have long- term girlfriends whom I consider to be my other “daughters”, and I know that my daughter sees them to be the sisters she never had. I feel so blessed to have a good relationship with all of “my girls.” I feel grateful and “complimented”. I am breathing easy.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1168. Name something you always exaggerate.

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ From the stats, I see that yesterday’s blog post hit a nerve. It’s understandable. Relationships are often the hardest things for us to navigate in this world, including the relationship that we have with ourselves. I’ve often thought that it is best to simplify relationships, and whittle them down to just the relationship that you have between yourself and one other, versus in relation to a whole related group. In other words, even if you have eight brothers and sisters, consider yourself to be an only child. What would your relationship look like/what expectations would you put on yourself, with your parents, if you were an only child, with no relation or expectations as to what their relationships look like with your siblings? This is the same if you have multiple children, multiple friends who are part of a bigger friend group, relationships at work, etc. As we all have figured out by now, in this middle stage of our lives, we cannot control other people. But we can decide what we are willing to do, and how we are willing to be, in any given relationship that we are a part of, and we want to nurture. I’ve found that when I do this simplification and focus on myself and just one other, my relationships seem to flow better, and I am often pleasantly surprised by the ease. (I suppose accepting my lack of control of others, stepping up for my own needs, and letting go of my expectations, is what is the magic elixir of this equation, when I remember to use it.)

+ When deciding what to write about on any given day, I often refer to quotes and thoughts that resonated with me. I either jot them quickly on my calendar or I take pictures of them. Here are a few that “struck a nerve” with me lately:

“Something that we don’t talk nearly enough about is how we often feel worse while we’re healing because we were forced to feel nothing while we were enduring something traumatic.” – The Empowered Therapist

This is so true, isn’t it? This applies to all healing – physical, mental, spiritual, which sometimes happens all at once. When we are going through a trauma, we often get robotic and numb. Our feelings shut down, as we go through the motions of getting through the nightmare situation. It’s often shocking and annoying how terrible we feel after something traumatic happens, but processing everything is necessary. It is often more painful and traumatic to keep trying to tamp the experiences down. We must heal ourselves by feeling the feelings, both physical and emotional. The only way to heal and cleanse pain, is to process through it. Here’s another one that resonated with me:

“I swear the universe can be divided into two kinds of people:

I had to go through it, so you should too.
I had to go through it, so I’ll work to make sure you don’t.” @MonicaHesse

This is what I mean by my daily tagline. There is great satisfaction in being a number 2 kind of person. Watching people experiencing the same kind of pain that you’ve gone through does nothing but add more pain into this world. How many recovered addicts have helped themselves to continue to stay sober, by helping other addicts? How many people have done the hard work to get educated and stay motivated to stop generations of poverty in their family line? How many people have turned a horrible tragedy, such as losing a loved one to gun violence or to cancer, into their life mission to change things, so that others will not feel their same pain? If we all made it our goal to be Number 2s, just imagine how beautiful this world would be.

Along these lines here is another quote from a picture I took:

“u r so considerate”

thanks i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people -@jayhs1k

Remember, some of the nicest people whom you’ll ever meet in life, have a “fawn response” from trauma they have experienced. Do not take advantage of this fact. Be kind.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

788. How do you feel about redheads? (I adore them! My two eldest sons are “gingers.”)

Relationships

I’m sorry that I have been delayed with my post this morning. I’ve been constantly interrupted by my own distractions. Ironically, I was incredibly excited to have a totally unscheduled day. Perhaps there is wisdom to having a regular schedule.

I printed this out the other day. I also texted it to my husband. It’s an excellent reminder. We have always declared that it was vitally important to both of us to have genuine, authentic relationships with our adult children. I do not care to have any relationships, with anyone, based on fear, obligation or guilt, for the rest of my life. I’ve noticed that the relationships that we take the most for granted are often the ones with whom we are closest to in life. Some parents seem to have this sense of entitlement of “owning” their children, even after their children have long embarked on becoming adults. Some parents seem to think that they are “owed” a relationship with their children, just because they are their parents. But our children didn’t ask to be born. Once we are all adults, relationships are mutual. Would you choose to be close friends with anyone who was described as above? Would you choose to spend a lot of time with someone described as above? Would you want your children to spend a lot of time with the type of person described above? We are always modelling living to our children, even when we are all adults. What are you modelling to them with the relationships that you accept and expect in your own life? If your adult children have the traits described above, you have the right to limit your interactions with them, as well. Adults have the right to choose what kind of relationships, and how much of a relationship that they would like to have with anyone. When you are in mutually loving and respectful relationships, what you choose to do for, and what you choose to do with each other, is done out of choice, and because of honest love and connection. If you are still financially supporting your adult children, ask yourself why? Are you truly giving unconditional gifts, or are you trying to leverage that support with manipulation and control? Healthy relationships with anyone do not require manipulation and control. In fact, utilizing control and manipulation is the sign of unhealthy relationships. This poem by Kahlil Gibran has always been one of my absolute favorites. It speaks ultimate truth:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
     And he said:
     Your children are not your children.
     They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
     They come through you but not from you,
     And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

     You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
     For they have their own thoughts.
     You may house their bodies but not their souls,
     For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
     You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
     For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
     You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
     The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
     Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
     For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

995. What are you hypocritical about?

Starry Skies

My sister used to say that everything has an expiration date. We were actually talking about hair stylists at the time. My current hair stylist is wonderful. I have been going to her for several years now, and unless she retires, I don’t see an expiration date in sight for using her services. But I have had several hair stylists throughout the years and at the time of having that conversation, I was feeling guilty about wanting to try a new one.

I was reminded of this conversation because recently my middle son was lamenting about feeling uneasy about a friendship that he is no longer interested in pursuing. He has had this friend since they were children, but they are going on two completely different paths in life, and they have very little in common anymore. The glue that keeps them together is little more than “guilt” these days, and perhaps a little bit of a sad nostalgia for “what was”.

I’ve had meaningful relationship experiences with people I was only with for a day – a nurse who held me and soothed me when I was crying about my miscarriage, an almost all night long, deep, meaningful conversation with other teenagers whom I had met on a summer vacation across the country, and a cancer patient whom I met on a long flight. She and I ended up sharing a pleasant lunch together at an airport. I have never forgotten any of these people. Obviously. I am writing about them now.

How long a relationship lasts does not indicate how profound or meaningful it is to your life. Healthy relationships are built on mutual connection and affection. Unhealthy relationships are based on fear, obligation and guilt. What was once a mutually healthy, growing relationship, can become unstable, and stale, and even toxic. Everyone and everything on this earth is involved in a constant process of change. Sometimes these evolutions bring you closer to others, and sometimes these transformations show that the time has come to go our separate ways.

Sometimes it’s necessary to love people from afar, and from a distance. Sometimes it’s comforting to reflect on all of the connections that you have made in your own lifetime, and to remember these relationships and experiences fondly and gratefully for the growth that they have created in you. It is sort of like gazing at the same stars, in the same sky. We all have stars of connection that we have shared with others throughout our lifetime, and the light from the stars of those same shared connections, continue to shine brightly, in our hearts, in the form of gratefulness and of fond memories. By the end of our lifetimes, we will have created a star-filled sky of connections for ourselves, and at the same time, we know that we are a shiny, brilliant part (no matter how distant) of many others’ star-filled skies of lifetime connections, relationships, and bonds. No relationship is ever truly over if it is always remembered. We just have to look up at the starry skies at night to understand this pure truth.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Good Good-Byes

I spent two hours this weekend watching a video on closure and “good good-byes”. My mentees are a graduating senior in high school, and a fifth grader who is about to enter middle school. I have mentored them for three years, and this is the year in which it makes sense for all of us, to part ways from our regular weekly meetings. I am struggling greatly with this. I am quite fond of both girls and I am deeply concerned about doing this, in the healthiest way possible. I have never been good at good-byes.

The person who ran the video seminar I watched is a grief counselor. She kept repeating the idea that any change is a loss (even a change that we deem as a “good” change) and the natural response to loss is grief. I am a deep feeler. I am already feeling grief and concern about our good-byes. Unfortunately, in the past, when saying good-bye to people whom I worked for/with, or neighbors from previous neighborhoods, or even childhood friends, I don’t think that I did a great job expressing my sorrow about the change, to the people concerned, or even admitting my sorrow to myself. I tend to be too abrupt. I may have come across that I cared much, much less than what I really was feeling about the change. I tend to have a “Buck up and move on!” attitude, and retrospectively, I don’t think that this response is the kindest response for anyone involved, including me. I want to do these good-byes to my mentees better than I have done good-byes in the past. I want to make these “good good-byes.” I have grown. I want to do this lovingly and gently for all parties concerned.

The leader of the seminar told us that we needed to start talking about our parting of ways, now, a few weeks away from our final meetings. People need time to process their thoughts and feelings. People need a chance to talk about their thoughts and feelings which they have processed, and this should occur over several days and weeks, not just in one moment. The “Buck up and move on!” part of me, is afraid of this. I don’t want to keep poking the bear/picking at the scab. It hurts. A lot. But ultimately, in the end, I don’t want to have regrets and unsaid sentiments which haunt me. These are two girls who have already suffered a great deal of loss in their young lives. I want our parting of ways to be one that is considered natural and healthy and part of life’s evolvement. I don’t want them to personalize this loss, in any way, shape or form. As one participant in the seminar reminded us, the adage, “Relationships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” is true and all three kinds of relationships have their proper place in our lives.

Today is the first meeting with my girls, when I am going to start seriously broaching the subject of our “good-byes”. This is coming at a time when my youngest child is a couple months away from leaving our nest for college. There’s a little storm brewing inside of my heart, friends, to put it mildly. I think that my biggest fear is that this storm will turn into a raging monsoon and I will feel entirely out of control. I guess, if I am honest with myself, my biggest fear is being “out of control.” Which is funny because, as we all know, control is mostly an illusion anyway.

Saying goodbye to someone you love quote.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.