Tag: holidays

4 Questions

“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.” – Pearl Buck

I hope that everyone enjoyed and is continuing to enjoy a wonderful holiday season. Today is a little “respite” into what has become to be, what I call the Venn diagram of Christmas. We have four adult kids, with their own careers, and who all have serious significant others with careers and their own extended families, so our Christmas is a lot of comings and goings. We still plan to have our biggest celebration, when all of our crew can finally be at the same place at the same time, in a few days. This has been a transition that started happening a few years back and it is still evolving as our youngest is graduating from college in the spring. I’ve learned to embrace it, and to surrender to the gifts and to the surprises and to the metamorphoses that each new Christmas season brings. I have learned to savor the small joys that have a way of turning into “the big happiness.” Our daughter said that someone asked her recently how her parents were doing with all of the big transformations which we have been experiencing in our lives lately and my husband and I looked at each other and smiled. I think we are doing just fine. Change is the only constant and so you have a choice to embrace it and look for the growth and the blessings, or to fruitlessly try to fight it, and end up despondent and frustrated by your own futile resistance. I choose to focus on the joys.

Karen Nimmo wrote an excellent article about the four best questions to answer, in order to reflect on your past year, in order to help you do any course corrections for the new year. My birthday happens to fall in December, so I find this time of year to be particularly reflective for me, and I really enjoyed the structure of her questions. My husband and I answered these questions with two of our kids the other night, and it really gave us insight into what we are all feeling and doing. Here are the questions:

What did you do this year? (when you start listing everything that you did, I think you will be amazed!)

What delighted you? (perhaps bring more of this answer into the new year?)

How did you improve?

What demanded courage?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Mommy Manifesto

I am about to embark on one of the most monumental years of my life. Two of our “babies” (and the first out of any of our four babies) are getting married. Our youngest “baby” and our only daughter is going to graduate from college and move several states away for a tremendous job opportunity. These are all joyous things in my heart. These are all “emotions all over the map” events. If there was ever a year I need to be there for myself, it is this year. If there was ever a year I need to honor and recognize and balance my own rhythms, my own health needs, my own emotional needs, it is this year, starting now, before I am even at the starting gate.

We women are often conditioned to take care of everyone else’s needs. We often erroneously believe that we can and should manage everyone else’s emotions. And then we get frustrated, drained, and sometimes even resentful, when it seldom works. We often erroneously believe that our emotions are the responsibility of the people outside of ourselves and what they do. We blame being frustrated, emotionally and physically drained, and even resentful, on others (see above). This is what is called codependence. However, mired in exhaustion, and emotional myopathy, we often miss this fact. We righteously believe that our emotions are other people’s fault.

The truth of the matter is, we want to be able to take care of ourselves in the best way that we see fit, but we also want everyone to “like it.” We want our cake and eat it, too. We don’t want others to feel disappointed because that generates a feeling of misguided “guilt” in us. It makes us feel like we are “bad.” Most of us (but especially us women) have been conditioned to believe that when others feel disappointed or angry or frustrated, it is somehow our fault. But do you see how silly that is? Others’ feelings are theirs. You can’t physically feel someone else’s feelings. Try it. You can empathize, of course. When you see someone in pain, you may feel sad and even cry, but you aren’t feeling their sadness. You are feeling your sadness. And you have no way of knowing if their sadness matches your exact same feeling of sadness.

Intentionally doing something cruel or mean or underhanded or malicious to others, is wrong. Being the recipient of such evilness, feels terrible. But most of us aren’t intentionally cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not bad. Others are allowed to feel disappointed. Feelings are just feelings. Others can process their feelings of disappointment. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not cruel. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not bad. You, in turn, are allowed to feel disappointment if these decisions aren’t what you had hoped to happen. You are capable of processing your own feelings of disappointment, and any other feelings that may occur.

I wrote this for myself. But I offer it up to the many women who read my blog, who may veer into the unhealthy dynamic of codependence, during the holidays, which is a time of year, often fraught with higher and mixed emotions. It is a time of year often fraught with expectations – yours and many others. It is a reminder that you are valuable because you are here. You are valuable because you are alive. Your value does not come from what you do for others. On that same note, the others in your life are valuable because they are here. The others in your life are valuable because they are alive. Their value does not come from what they can do for you.

Give yourself the gift of grace this season. Give others the gift of grace this season. Take care of your own needs, physical and emotional and spiritual. Be assured that others can take care of their needs, as well. Do what you believe is best for yourself this season and understand that others are making decisions, not to hurt you, but to do what is inherently best for themselves.

Every year, so many Christmas cards ask for “Peace”. Peace starts from within. If we all take responsibility for our own “peace”, then this is when “peace for all” will truly happen.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

It’s Worth It

When our four kids were little and I would start to complain about everything that had to be done, especially around busy times like the holidays, my husband would say to me, “I’m happy to help. Just give me a to-do list.” My husband was always extremely helpful. His generation was the beginning of the generations of dads who are “all in” – changing diapers, carrying around the diaper bag, taking turns waking up with the kids in the middle of the night. Still, it was me who was the one dedicated to coming up with “the plan/to-do list/what needs to be done”. My exhaustion was never from doing the tasks of raising kids. It was more of a mental exhaustion. “How’s this all going to work?” “How are we going to get everyone to where they need to be and then pick them up on time?” “What should we make for dinner (every single night)?” “How do we handle each child’s individual crises, triumphs and challenges?”

This holiday season is so delightful because we have several “adult heads” taking the wheel. These young adult brains are great, not only at executing plans, but strategically thinking the plans up, too. They have energy, foresight and enough experience now, to know what will work, and what won’t work for our big clan. Sometimes I have even been handed “to do” tasks and this suits me just fine. It is really relaxing to not always have to be the lead dog. Every stage of raising a family is different. But each stage is absolutely wonderful in its own way. Raising a family is the most interesting, challenging, satisfying, humbling, self-discovering experience of my lifetime.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

It’s Christmastime

It’s Christmastime and it is dejavu in our household. I now remember what it is like to stress about six people living in the same house, yet going in all different directions, with all different time schedules, instead of what I am now comfortably used to – just two middle-aged people essentially on the same, relatively worry-free, easygoing schedule. One of our sons is buying his first car this week. One of our sons is taking the most important national exam of his medical school experience this week. One of our sons is currently driving down the East Coast of the United States, during holiday traffic. And I couldn’t let myself fall asleep last night until I knew that my daughter was safely home from her holiday job at the ice cream shop. And all of our kids’ significant others and close friends have been around visiting, too, and so I am vicariously letting my mommy concerns seep into all their orbits, as well.

Do I miss not having to unload the dishwasher more than twice a week? Yes. Do I miss going to bed not expecting to be woken up by dogs barking at people coming into the house at all hours of the night? Yes. Do I miss having rooms in our house where there are not random piles of other people’s stuff laying all around? Yes. Do I miss just cooking for two instead of trying to guess the actual number of people who could be sitting at the dinner table at night, and then trying to estimate how much to cook to satiate young twenty-something men’s appetites? Yes. But most importantly, am I utterly grateful and savoring every single minute of having our whole family home and together for the holidays? Yes. Yes! YES!!!! (written with a big smile on my face)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Unplugged

Credit: Gregorio Catarino, X

The picture above kind of sums it all up, doesn’t it? My husband, two of our sons and our daughter all had plans to go to the gym this morning. (I didn’t. The gym is not my thing.) Needless to say, those plans never came into fruition. The day after any big event/holiday/vacation is such a hodgepodge of emotion and sensation, isn’t it? Satisfaction. Relief. Exhaustion. Disbelief. It takes a while to process everything that goes into “the biggies” once they are completed, right? We are made up of our minds and bodies and spirits, but sometimes these three aspects need to get synched up, in order to move forward. Our minds are already going to: “Time to clean up and let’s move on to the next thing. Get your calendars out.” Our spirits are going: “Wow. A lot just happened over these last few weeks. How am I feeling about everything that went on? I didn’t realize that I could feel this many things all at once. I need a good laugh/cry/bath/sigh/hug from my better half/last piece of pie, before I can move on.” Our bodies are going: “Ugh. Help me. System overload. Can we please get back to normal before I explode?!”

Try not to jump right back into the saddle until all three of your aspects of yourself are ready to move ahead into the new year. If we all made “overall health” a desire for 2024 what would that look like? What does your mind need to stimulate itself more healthfully in the new year? Our minds are like German Shepherds. They need to work constantly and if they are not given a task, they will make a mission for themselves. Have you let your mind run amok like an untrained German Shepherd? Get a leash and be the leader of your mind this year. What about your body? What could be tweaked (or even overhauled) for a healthier new year for the daily vehicle which allows you to experience life? And spirit . . . Sweet spirit. Has your spirit been neglected? Is it a tangled ball mess of emotion that could stand some dedicated quiet and safe detangling time, perhaps at the end of each day with some meditation or prayer or with a good listener?

Sometimes when we are utterly depleted, these are the times that make us most open and receptive to what needs to be tweaked and even changed in our lives. These times of overload, force us to stop and to reboot. Are the programs that we are running “in all three facets of the game” the same ones that we want to utilize in 2024? What’s ready to be shut down? What’s ready to grow? It’s not lost on me that we end every year with the bang of “The Holidays.” It’s overwhelm by design. It forces us to collapse and to refocus, just in time for a precious, fresh new year in our lives.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Question For Friday

Credit: Rex Masters, X

Happy Friday!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!

“Are you all set for Christmas?” – everyone’s most hated question to answer during the holiday season, and yet the question seems to drop out of my mouth almost like a nervous tic, to everyone I come across, as much as I abhor getting asked this question myself. I always immediately apologize after asking “the most hated question”, as I observe the groans, and the eye-rolls, and the signs of blood pressure rising, in anyone who gets asked that question, 99% of the time. Every once in a while, an outlier will express total enthusiasm, nodding an emphatic “Yes!” with their eyes all aglow, and then they will start listing all of the gifts, baking, decorations, wrapping, cards and plans which they have already successfully and enthusiastically completed. These are typically the people who get asked “the most hated question” immediately after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t one of those outliers, and you still need an idea for some stocking stuffers, here’s today’s favorite: Trader Joe’s Shampoo Bar Peppermint and Tea Tree. My husband likes simple, quality, environmentally friendly products, and this one fits the bill. It is shampoo that is free of any toxins and it comes in the form of a soap bar, so it is not contained in a plastic bottle. It also has coconut, olive and jojoba oils in it and the scent of the shampoo is refreshing but light. At $4 a pop, maybe you can stuff two of these gems in a stocking.

Before you ask “the most hated question of the holiday season”, ask yourself this:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Tuesday – Museday

+ I hope that this child never changes. What is better than a person who carries emergency confetti, because they are always anticipating something to celebrate? May this sweet child need tons and tons of brightly colored, glittery confetti throughout their entire lives, in order to have it for everything that they feel the need to celebrate.

+ My husband and I have been watching the True Detective series. We are currently in the middle of season 2. Vince Vaughn plays a gangster character named Frank Semyon who says this to a young boy who has just experienced the death of his father:

 “Sometimes, a thing happens, splits your life. There’s a before and after. I got like five of them at this point. And this is your first. But if you use it right, the bad thing, you use it right, and it makes you better. Stronger. It give you something most people don’t have. Bad as this is, wrong as it is, this hurt, it can make you a better man. That’s what pain does. It shows you what was on the inside. And inside of you, is pure gold. And I know that. Your father knew that, too.”

(On an aside, the main writer of the True Detective series is Nic Pizzolatto. He is an incredible writer. The True Detective series is gritty and dark, but the character development and the quotes from the series are also ‘pure gold’. I love a show or a movie that makes me think long after I have watched it. Even if the series is too uncomfortably dark for you to watch, read some of the quotes from the series, especially Season 1. It will get your brain whirling.)

The “split your life phenomenon” is something that I have heard before. It is usually said after an enormous, untimely tragedy. But the Frank Semyon character gets it right. By the time we are fortunate enough to reach middle age and beyond, we all usually have at least one event that has happened in our lives that splits our lives into before and after. And as much as we would have preferred not to experience this said event, it does make us stronger. The grievous event makes us more compassionate. These types of events tend to awaken us and to jar us into understanding what is most meaningful to us going forward. And the silver linings can be alchemized into “pure gold” if we let the process happen.

+ “So many people need you to behave in a certain way for them to feel good. They condemn you for your selfishness. ‘How dare you be so selfish as to follow what makes you feel good. You should follow what makes us feel good.” – Esther Hicks

This is a good one for the holiday season. Are you expecting others to make your holiday season wonderful, by expecting them to do your bidding? If this is the case, are they the selfish ones, or are you? Why would you let something as important as your own well-being rest in the hands of others and their actions? Why would you give away control of your own peace of mind? Are you trying to make others feel good by walking on eggshells, doing their bidding, spending the holiday season on “shoulds” and traditions of others, only to feel resentful that no one is doing the same for you? This holiday season make your own peace of mind of utmost importance. Only do things that feel good. (and yes, that can often mean doing things for others, but only doing them because it feels good to do them, not with some kind of expectation that they will respond accordingly) I assure you that the best gift that you can give your loved ones this year is an inner peace that permeates all around you. They will feel it. They will rest in it. They will emulate it. Only do things that add to your own inner peace. Don’t allow anyone to steal your peace. Don’t give others control of your peace. Don’t expect peace to come from anywhere, or from anyone else, than your own inner wellspring. That’s where your peace lies, eternally.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving, is the eavesdropping. I think most of us writer types are observers and eavesdroppers, and Thanksgiving is one my favorite times of the year to do it. I love hearing my kids catch up with each other, slipping right into the playful ribbing which they have always done with each other throughout the years. I love hearing my daughter, excitedly relay all of her happenings of the semester to her Dad, as she is savoring his one-on-one attention, as they prepare some of our Thanksgiving meal together. All of this background noise is music to my ears. I don’t even really listen to the words. It’s all the buzz of love, filling my house and my heart. This sound, by far, is one of my favorite sounds in all of the world.

I was thinking that it is easy to fall into the trap of only being thankful for the typical standards. Of course, I will never NOT be deeply grateful for my family and my friends and my health and my home and my faith. These things all go without saying. So, in the last couple of days I’ve been thinking about what NEW things in my life that I am grateful for this year. I am so thankful for bringing the practice of painting back into my life this year. I’m grateful for the Arts Center where I take my classes and the NEW friends who I have already learned so much from, in these classes. I’m thankful for some NEW appliances and outdoor furniture that we sorely needed, but had put off purchasing (out of a mix of stubborness, frugality and laziness and perhaps environmental consciousness (ha!), my husband and I tend to get our absolute full usage out of things, until they are way beyond their worn-off expiration dates). These NEW items have brought ease and pleasure into our lives. I’m also thankful for the NEW places we have visited, and the culture and fascination and beauty which they have brought into my perspectives and elevated living experiences. I’m thankful for the NEW apartments and living situations that all four of our kids have begun living in, this year. They all seem happy and comfortable and pleased with their NEW living situations, and that brings my heart joy and peace.

Readers, I am so thankful for all of you, NEW and OLD. Throughout the year, I occasionally get the pleasant surprise of meeting someone who reads my blog. Often it turns out to be a friend of a friend, and this brings me so much joy to hear that someone shared my blog, and it turns out that my blog resonates with this NEW person. That’s been the goal all along – to write my authentic thoughts and feelings as I go through a big transition stage in my life, and thus connecting with those who also like to deeply reflect on what they are experiencing in their lives, at any given point. One thing that always amuses me, is that these NEW people often feel the need to apologize to me, because they don’t always read my blog every single day. What?!? Are you kidding me?!? You don’t owe me anything. If someone reads just one of my blog posts and that’s all they needed, or they read my blog every single day, I am so utterly grateful, either way. I am touched. I feel a new form of connection with anyone who comes to commune with my words for a while, whether it be a one-time thing, or an occasional or regular experience. Anyone who has taken the time to read anything that I have written, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It means the world to me.

I wish you all a wonderful day, full of happy surprises. I know that the holidays are often a big old mixed bag of emotions – joy and melancholy, laughter, tears, arguments and hugs. So, what I wish, for all of us this holiday season, is the true experience of Acceptance. May we accept each holiday event, exactly as it comes to us, and realize that we can just experience it all, without needing to give anything a reaction or a definition. May we all stay more in the observer/eavesdropper role and just soak it all in, because often the holidays are just a microcosm of the intensity, beauty, frailty and reality of life and love. Maybe sometimes it is best to just be “the neutral watcher” to really capture the essence and the wonder of it all.

Again, thank you for being with me, readers. You are loved by me. I am so thankful for you and the blog.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ The picture above is not a great picture because I’m not a great photographer. But you get the gist. That’s our neighbors’ Christmas tree. (That’s a really big truck below it, to give you perspective of its magnanimous size) That’s our neighbors’ mini Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. It’s really beautiful and they always manage to get it all decorated right before Thanksgiving. All of the rest of the decorations on our street have really just become accents to it. I mean should the rest of us even bother now??? Seriously though, the neighborhood’s “absolute opposite of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree” is huge and beautiful, and I love it. And yes I’m jealous, but the tree is fabulous and I love it.

+ Siri’s nice now!! For those of you who use iPhones, and if you did the latest update, you’ll notice that Siri now says, “You’re welcome!” in her best Chick-Fil-A employee voice when you thank her for the information that she gave to you. (Yes, I have always thanked Siri. Manners, babe.) She also doesn’t seem quite as bothered and smirky when you ask her for information. AI is evolving and in a good way, this go around, in my opinion.

+ Today is the 60th anniversary of President John F. Kennedy’s assassination in Dallas. Over a decade ago, I took all four of our children on a road trip through several states and even more cities (yes, it was crazy – one child was still in diapers, but that is what you do when you are young, energetic and idealistic. Also, there was no GPS at the time. My kids always laugh about my books of Mapquest printed sheets, which I used back then, to get us all around). We stopped at Dealey Plaza, where Kennedy was shot, and we were approached by a “tour guide” who turned out to be a homeless man with a lot of conspiracy theories. He was a colorful character who started all of his sentences with a dramatic, thickly Southern accented “Looky here! Looky here!” When I think back to that trip, I don’t remember a lot of it, but I do remember “Looky here!” In fact it has become part of our family’s vernacular. We gave the “tour guide” a handsome tip and I’m grateful for that because he gave us a memory which has lasted nearly two decades and still brings a smile to my face.

+ Before the holidays are upon us, remember that you are making memories, and these memories can be happy, funny, silly, “Looky here!” memories or they can become horrible, searing, imprinted memories that everyone tries to forget, but can’t. The holidays tend to bring out the best and the worst in all of us. If you are seeing someone who doesn’t visit often, but is coming to be with you now this Thanksgiving, relish that fact. Don’t use that time to make them feel guilty for not visiting more. Do you think that guilty feelings will make them want to come back for more helpings of ghastly guilt, down the line? Loving, enjoyable, easygoing energy is much more likely to pull them back for a few more visits, because everyone likes to feel good and loved and appreciated for what they do, and accepted for who they really are, in this world. Looky here, steer the conversations towards beautiful decorations everyone has seen, and funny “piles of Mapquest pages” stories that everyone can laugh about, and happily reminisce with each other. Stuff the turkey. Don’t stuff your opinions about volatile topics down everyone’s throats. There is a time and a place for those conversations, and a happy holiday gathering isn’t that time nor that place. If there was ever a time to concentrate on my blog’s tagline, it is during a holiday celebration. Print it out and put in your pocket. Imprint it on your mind. You won’t regret it. A surefire way to have a wonderful holiday season is to focus on all of the good. Be the star on your family’s celebrations this season. And by being the star, I don’t mean constantly stealing the spotlight for laughs and attention on you. When I say “Be the Star”, I mean be that beacon of light and love and kindness that puts the spotlight on others’ acts of love and light and kindness. Be that star which guides everyone towards hope and love and light. Here is my tagline:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Six Percent

I did a search on my blog just now (I have been writing this blog almost daily for five years now) for “the holidays.” It turns out I have written eight pages of stuff about holidays. That’s a lot of writing about a relatively limited part of our lives. There are eleven official federal holidays in the United States. These holidays don’t include religious holidays such as Easter and Passover, and secular holidays such as Halloween and Valentine’s Day. So, for argument’s sake let’s bring the number up to around twenty holidays a year that we celebrate (with the idea of including our personal and family birthdays and anniversaries). Out of 365 days of the year, about twenty or so days are dedicated to holidays in our country. Less than a month, out of the twelve months in any given year are dedicated to holidays. About 6 percent of the year is dedicated to holiday celebrations. Ninety-four percent of any given year is filled with ordinary days.

Why am I turning the holidays into a banal, robotic, emotionless mathematical word problem? I am writing this because it helps with perspective. If you “live” for the holidays and celebrations, and the rest of your life feels like drudgery, or a countdown to your next celebration, you are putting all of your greatest living experiences into about six percent of your life. If you dread the holidays, and you live in angsty anticipation for weeks before any of the particular holidays arrive, you are living in fear of events which only take up about six percent of your life. The other 94% is all yours to do whatever you want to do with it, without the peripheral hoopla.

Perspective is important. Figuring low, at least 90% of our lives are spent in our everyday routines. If you wake up most days in eager anticipation of what the day may bring, whether it be a holiday or not, you will lead a fulfilling life. Don’t worry about the holidays. Don’t load them up with too many expectations. Put the same kind of effort, and thought, and hope into your every single day that you do for the holidays, and you will surprise yourself with a greater percentage of wonderful days. Don’t wait for the holidays to tell your friends and family that you love them and that you are grateful for them. Don’t wait for your birthdays to celebrate yourself. Live every single day of your life as a celebration of the gift of experiencing living a life. Our lives have been gifted to us, for no other reason than because Love and Creativity wanted to feel itself living a life through us and our individual perspectives. Perspective is everything. Keep this 6% perspective in mind this holiday season, and into the new year. If you make loving and cherishing your every single day in the new, upcoming year your major goal, next year’s six percent of holidays will just end up being the cherry on top, of your delicious, multi-faceted, fabulous sundae of a life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.