I am about to embark on one of the most monumental years of my life. Two of our “babies” (and the first out of any of our four babies) are getting married. Our youngest “baby” and our only daughter is going to graduate from college and move several states away for a tremendous job opportunity. These are all joyous things in my heart. These are all “emotions all over the map” events. If there was ever a year I need to be there for myself, it is this year. If there was ever a year I need to honor and recognize and balance my own rhythms, my own health needs, my own emotional needs, it is this year, starting now, before I am even at the starting gate.
We women are often conditioned to take care of everyone else’s needs. We often erroneously believe that we can and should manage everyone else’s emotions. And then we get frustrated, drained, and sometimes even resentful, when it seldom works. We often erroneously believe that our emotions are the responsibility of the people outside of ourselves and what they do. We blame being frustrated, emotionally and physically drained, and even resentful, on others (see above). This is what is called codependence. However, mired in exhaustion, and emotional myopathy, we often miss this fact. We righteously believe that our emotions are other people’s fault.
The truth of the matter is, we want to be able to take care of ourselves in the best way that we see fit, but we also want everyone to “like it.” We want our cake and eat it, too. We don’t want others to feel disappointed because that generates a feeling of misguided “guilt” in us. It makes us feel like we are “bad.” Most of us (but especially us women) have been conditioned to believe that when others feel disappointed or angry or frustrated, it is somehow our fault. But do you see how silly that is? Others’ feelings are theirs. You can’t physically feel someone else’s feelings. Try it. You can empathize, of course. When you see someone in pain, you may feel sad and even cry, but you aren’t feeling their sadness. You are feeling your sadness. And you have no way of knowing if their sadness matches your exact same feeling of sadness.
Intentionally doing something cruel or mean or underhanded or malicious to others, is wrong. Being the recipient of such evilness, feels terrible. But most of us aren’t intentionally cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not bad. Others are allowed to feel disappointed. Feelings are just feelings. Others can process their feelings of disappointment. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not cruel. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not bad. You, in turn, are allowed to feel disappointment if these decisions aren’t what you had hoped to happen. You are capable of processing your own feelings of disappointment, and any other feelings that may occur.
I wrote this for myself. But I offer it up to the many women who read my blog, who may veer into the unhealthy dynamic of codependence, during the holidays, which is a time of year, often fraught with higher and mixed emotions. It is a time of year often fraught with expectations – yours and many others. It is a reminder that you are valuable because you are here. You are valuable because you are alive. Your value does not come from what you do for others. On that same note, the others in your life are valuable because they are here. The others in your life are valuable because they are alive. Their value does not come from what they can do for you.
Give yourself the gift of grace this season. Give others the gift of grace this season. Take care of your own needs, physical and emotional and spiritual. Be assured that others can take care of their needs, as well. Do what you believe is best for yourself this season and understand that others are making decisions, not to hurt you, but to do what is inherently best for themselves.
Every year, so many Christmas cards ask for “Peace”. Peace starts from within. If we all take responsibility for our own “peace”, then this is when “peace for all” will truly happen.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.