Tag: needs

A Mommy Manifesto

I am about to embark on one of the most monumental years of my life. Two of our “babies” (and the first out of any of our four babies) are getting married. Our youngest “baby” and our only daughter is going to graduate from college and move several states away for a tremendous job opportunity. These are all joyous things in my heart. These are all “emotions all over the map” events. If there was ever a year I need to be there for myself, it is this year. If there was ever a year I need to honor and recognize and balance my own rhythms, my own health needs, my own emotional needs, it is this year, starting now, before I am even at the starting gate.

We women are often conditioned to take care of everyone else’s needs. We often erroneously believe that we can and should manage everyone else’s emotions. And then we get frustrated, drained, and sometimes even resentful, when it seldom works. We often erroneously believe that our emotions are the responsibility of the people outside of ourselves and what they do. We blame being frustrated, emotionally and physically drained, and even resentful, on others (see above). This is what is called codependence. However, mired in exhaustion, and emotional myopathy, we often miss this fact. We righteously believe that our emotions are other people’s fault.

The truth of the matter is, we want to be able to take care of ourselves in the best way that we see fit, but we also want everyone to “like it.” We want our cake and eat it, too. We don’t want others to feel disappointed because that generates a feeling of misguided “guilt” in us. It makes us feel like we are “bad.” Most of us (but especially us women) have been conditioned to believe that when others feel disappointed or angry or frustrated, it is somehow our fault. But do you see how silly that is? Others’ feelings are theirs. You can’t physically feel someone else’s feelings. Try it. You can empathize, of course. When you see someone in pain, you may feel sad and even cry, but you aren’t feeling their sadness. You are feeling your sadness. And you have no way of knowing if their sadness matches your exact same feeling of sadness.

Intentionally doing something cruel or mean or underhanded or malicious to others, is wrong. Being the recipient of such evilness, feels terrible. But most of us aren’t intentionally cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not cruel. Choosing to do what is best for you, even when it disappoints others, is not bad. Others are allowed to feel disappointed. Feelings are just feelings. Others can process their feelings of disappointment. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not cruel. Others can make decisions that are best for them, and this is not bad. You, in turn, are allowed to feel disappointment if these decisions aren’t what you had hoped to happen. You are capable of processing your own feelings of disappointment, and any other feelings that may occur.

I wrote this for myself. But I offer it up to the many women who read my blog, who may veer into the unhealthy dynamic of codependence, during the holidays, which is a time of year, often fraught with higher and mixed emotions. It is a time of year often fraught with expectations – yours and many others. It is a reminder that you are valuable because you are here. You are valuable because you are alive. Your value does not come from what you do for others. On that same note, the others in your life are valuable because they are here. The others in your life are valuable because they are alive. Their value does not come from what they can do for you.

Give yourself the gift of grace this season. Give others the gift of grace this season. Take care of your own needs, physical and emotional and spiritual. Be assured that others can take care of their needs, as well. Do what you believe is best for yourself this season and understand that others are making decisions, not to hurt you, but to do what is inherently best for themselves.

Every year, so many Christmas cards ask for “Peace”. Peace starts from within. If we all take responsibility for our own “peace”, then this is when “peace for all” will truly happen.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Boundaries 101

Boundaries got brought up in a recent discussion with friends. “Boundaries” is a hot word/hot topic these days, but there is often a lot of confusion around what boundaries are, what they mean, and also how to enforce them, and also how to respect others’ boundaries. I didn’t get completely clear on my own boundaries, around a lot of things, until I was middle-aged. I think this is the case for a lot of people, particularly women. We are conditioned to be the “pleasers”, the soothers, the facilitators, the mediators, the givers. So, with all of that conditioning, creating boundaries seems “mean” to us, and impossible to erect.

What is a boundary? A boundary is a rule that you make for yourself about what you will and will not accept in your life. People often get confused that boundaries are about making strict rules for other people to follow, for their own comfort. For example, “You will not yell at me.” “You will eat all of your vegetables.” “You will not call me after 8 pm.”, etc. Those rules are fine, but people are people. People don’t always follow rules. It’s hard enough to control our own selves, let alone trying to control others. Instead of stating your boundaries as rules for other people to follow, you restate your boundaries as what you will and will not accept, in your own life’s experience. So, the above statements, stated not as rules, but as boundaries become: “I will not allow myself to be yelled at by anyone. I will physically leave any situation where I am being yelled at . . . ” “If you are my child, I expect you to eat all of your vegetables, and if you don’t, here are the consequences . . . .” “I will not accept calls after 8 pm and I will mute my phone.” (Notice the difference. Boundaries start with “I” statements. Rules start with “You”.)

Boundaries aren’t just with other people. You can have boundaries around food. “I don’t eat meat.” “I don’t eat dairy.” “I only eat desserts on special occasions.” You can have boundaries around everything that you do: what and how much you drink, how much TV/social media you consume, how and how much you exercise, what kinds of movies you will watch, how late you work, what time you go to bed regularly, etc. etc. Again, boundaries are rules that you that you make for yourself about what you will accept in your own life and what you will not accept in your own life.

On top of making your rules for yourself, you also get to decide to change these rules if you like. And you also get to decide how rigid or permeable your boundaries are in every facet of your life. All of this is in your control. It is your right (and one might argue, your necessity) as a living, breathing human being, to create and to enforce your boundaries. Sounds simple, right? Then why is it seemingly so hard for people to create and to enforce boundaries?

Simply put, we have a need to be liked and accepted. We have a need to be understood. We have been conditioned to be “polite and congenial.” We fear being perceived as “mean” or “selfish.” We fear losing people and relationships if we erect boundaries. We dread conflict. And thus, people who do not respect boundaries, will run roughshod all over our boundaries. We give our power away to people who don’t want us to have boundaries. These people will test us and manipulate us to change our boundaries, and unless we enforce them, our boundaries are decidedly pointless. We all dread this process, but it’s a good process. Once you get good at protecting and enforcing your own boundaries, you earn self-respect. You learn to trust yourself. You become your own best friend. Your need to be liked and agreed with, becomes a lot less important than your desire to be respected. If you lose someone because you protected your own boundaries, is this a person that is healthy to have in your life, anyway?

A big mistake a lot of us do when stating our boundaries is that we JADE. JADE is an acronym for justify, argue, defend and explain. Our boundaries are what is right for us. When we start JADE-ing, we weaken our boundaries. We are needing others to agree with our boundaries, in order to enforce them. No one on this Earth is going to like and agree with all of the boundaries that we make for ourselves. Let’s be honest, you don’t like or understand a lot of other people’s boundaries, and that’s okay. You don’t have to like other people’s boundaries, but you do have to respect them, because if a person is good at protecting their own boundaries, you will suffer consequences for crossing their boundaries. “This is what is right for me.” “This is what works for me.” “This is what I have to ability to offer at this time.” This is all the JADE-ing anyone of us ever has to state about our own boundaries. You came up with your boundaries for a good reason for yourself. (You already did a lot of JADE-ing with yourself, in order to decide your boundary in the first place. Trust that fact. No one knows what it is you need, and what is best for you, more than you. No one.) When you JADE, you start showing weakness in the belief of your own needs and protecting your own needs, and the people who don’t like your boundaries, will try to chip away at them, by arguing with you and employing tactics like guilt-trips and persuasion. Don’t open the door to this with JADE-ing in the first place.

The best thing you will ever do for yourself and your boundaries is to lose the need to be liked. If you respect and honor and protect your own boundaries, you will like yourself a lot. You will attract healthy people into your life, who respect your boundaries and respect their own boundaries. (People who have healthy boundaries, are trustworthy, direct and upfront, and are usually good about respecting other people’s boundaries.) You will trust yourself with your own boundaries, and thus you won’t feel as fearful or untrusting of others, because ultimately you know that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself, in a predictable, reliable, nurturing, protective manner. If you are consistent with your boundaries, you may not be liked by some (who would rather you didn’t have any boundaries, for their own sakes), but instead, you will be admired by many. By practicing the protection of your own boundaries, you will become stronger and calmer than you ever knew was possible. There is no better feeling than being able to love and trust yourself. When you get to this level of self-respect, you get really picky about who gets access to you anyway. The need to be “liked” by everybody falls way down the ladder, naturally.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2426. Have you ever bought anything after an infomercial? If so, what?

Lecture #867 to Myself

Today is a good day to give yourself what you need. Instead of being frustrated with others and their lack of fulfilling your needs, step into your power and give it to yourself. Talk to yourself about what your needs are (be the best listener and “hearer” that you have ever had in your life, for yourself), and what feels lacking in your life right now, and ask yourself, calmly but firmly, to find ways to fulfill your own needs. The direct route to anything whether it be a road, or communication, is usually the healthiest, easiest, and fastest way to get to the point of destination, where you are wanting to arrive.

Don’t expect others to fulfill your needs. Make the decision to be the best life manager you have ever been since you took on this role when you were born. Show yourself appreciation. Place boundaries where needed. Give yourself good nourishment, some solitude, some playtime, and sound rest. Be really honest with yourself about what you need, and be really honest with yourself if you have been indirectly trying to get others to fulfill your needs, and then feel resentful when they don’t. There is no better way to get respect from others than giving it to yourself first.

And remember, also, that it is not your job to fulfill other adults’ needs. If they directly ask for help, you can decide whether you have the current capacity to be of service, and then you can choose to do so, willingly and happily. You also have the right and the ability to say, “No.” You are not the only source to fulfill someone else’s various needs. Their source (just like yours) is bubbling inside of them.

(Most of my blog posts that read like the one above, are reminders and lectures that I give to myself. If you need this lecture, too, then I am happy that it helps more than me. If it doesn’t apply, than please just smile to yourself, and think, “Wow, that lady is one hot mess!” and feel smug that you are a little further along on the direct route of your own path in life, and carry on to have a wonderful day.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.