Tag: middle age

Memory Jogs

Sometimes I come to the blog having no idea about what I am going to write about and other times I have hundreds of ideas that have come to mind from things that I have heard, or read, or seen, throughout my week, and so, I sloppily write reminders (sometimes readable, sometimes not) on my calendar, so that I have writing prompts. Here is an accumulation of my hastily written memory jogs for this week:

+ Are you in charge of your day or is your day in charge of you? Who’s in charge here? Do you allow distractions and interruptions and other people’s problems take over your day? Do you have a general outline for your day or do you just allow whim and fancy and spontaneity and intuition to take over the day’s plot? Are you so “in charge” that your days have become rigid and banal and monotonous? (To be clear, there are no “right” answers here, but a little self awareness by answering these questions can help you to fine tune your days, because after all, it is our days that make up our weeks, our months, our years, our lives . . . .)

+ There was a comedian who was joking that the only reason why mindfulness (staying in the moment) has only become a really popular concept in the last decade or so, is because before that, we didn’t really have a choice not to be mindful. Without the internet, cell phones, 800 TV channels, etc. we were mindful, whether we realized it or not. I was reminded of this when I drove up the street for my eyebrow waxing appointment, earlier this week. I realized that I had forgotten my phone on the way to my appointment (only ten minutes up the road) and then I was horrified when I had to wait, because my technician had another customer ahead of me who was still there. The low level anxiety and fidgetiness which I felt throughout the whole experience (and I was back home, all waxed up, in less than an hour) was eye-opening and a little disappointing to me, for sure. For perspective, on this day in 1981, MTV was launched. It was 43 years ago, in which seeing music played on television was considered unbelievably cutting edge. I was 10. And ten-year-old me was mindfully mesmerized by the amazing new phenomena of music and graphics all mixed together on a TV screen. Imagine.

+ The popular inspirational speaker, Og Mandino once said this,“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” I love this. I think that this thought is so much better than pretending that this is the last day of your own life. Whenever that sentiment is said, about pretending that it’s your own last day on Earth, I think to myself, “Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing laundry, or washing dishes, or going to the grocery store, and I would want all of my favorite people around me, all day long (and I would want them to be sobbing – kidding, sort of).” Let’s face it, pretending every day is your last day on Earth, is just not a practical, or do-able sentiment. It’s an uncomfortable, annoying sentiment that serves to remind you that you really can’t just do what you really want to do, all day long, every day of your life. You may die on the biggest chore day of your life. Facts. But Og Mandino’s statement is doable, and it helps us to grow our own compassion levels, exponentially. So when we do come to our own last day on Earth, we’ll have a lot less regrets and then, we can rest in peace.

+ I’ve noticed a form of speech being used a lot more than I had ever heard it before and I really like it. It reminds us of the nuances of life and it helps us to steer away from black and white thinking. This is the use of “and, also”. So I can say, “I like the thrill of big summer storms, and also, I sometimes find them terrifying.” “I enjoyed the visual effects of that movie, and also, I found the movie to be disturbing.” “And also” is a lot better than a “but”. A “but” is negating. It sucks all of the positivity and truth, out of our first statement, like a vacuum. “And also” is inclusive, and it says that two seemingly opposite experiences, can and often do, happen at the same time. Using “and also” in our communication is truer to our messy, organic human experience.

+ As a segue from my last point, you can say, “I am an authentic person, and also, I am a private person.” Authenticity is the ability to be the truest version of yourself that you can be in any particular circumstance. Authenticity is not creating false selves to impress different people, at different times. However, it is healthy to be discerning about how much of your true life, opinions, experiences, etc. you choose to share with different people in your lives. You can be an authentic employee, without choosing to spout out what you really think about your boss. Inauthentic people create lies and falsehoods and illusions, in order to impress others. They tend to be “different people with different people.” Authentic people are comfortable in their own skin and are typically “what you see is what you get” with everyone they meet, and also, they carefully choose a different level of intimacy and vulnerability with each relationship, which they have in their lives, for their own well-being. In my experience, as you age, you naturally tend to become much more authentic, and this is so refreshing and freeing.

+ In the United Kingdom, when a company goes bankrupt, there is a list of creditors to pay from any of the assets still left. The last creditors in line to get any of their money back are called “residual beneficiaries.” Typically, by the time everyone else is paid, the “residual beneficiaries” get little to nothing back. A speaker on a podcast I was listening to, said that sadly, in today’s busy lives with intense careers, long work hours, and overfilled schedules, we often (unintentionally, of course) turn our most cherished loved ones into being our “residual beneficiaries.” Also, typically, the very last residual beneficiaries on our personal lists, are ourselves. Is your life a healthy company- simplified, streamlined, focused, and on point to its mission statement? Or are you (and your loved ones) getting bankrupted by unhealthy, unwieldy practices? You are your own life manager. Do you have a good one?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2586. What gives you pause?

Why Vs. What

Dr. Edith Eger, who is a Holocaust survivor, wrote this the other day on X, “It took me decades to discover that I could come to life with a different question. It’s not, why did I live? The question is, what is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?”

Lately, the world around us seems to be in constant flux and chaos and change. We are doing a lot of questioning, as groups and as individuals, about what we value, about the state of our governing bodies, about what we truly believe in, and about the parts we play in it all. Sometimes all of this discernment gets clouded by our own feelings of guilt for our own unique “gifts and entitlements”: (Examples could be: Why was I born American and not in a third world country? Why am I healthy, and someone who took care of their bodies all of their lives, just died of cancer? Why did I get to keep my job when so many other good people were laid off?) Sometimes this “Why?” line of thought brings us to things that we find “unfair” in our own lives: (Examples could be: Why do I have this heath affliction? Why did my marriage fall apart when I gave it my all? Why did the tornado hit my house? Why did my spouse die young?)

Typically, studying the “whys” doesn’t get us too far. Rarely do we find a satisfactory answer. Still, we all have a human tendency to stay stuck mired in “the why questions” about our lives, and about the people, and about situations in our lives. And thus we tend to get stuck in the feelings of guilt, unworthiness, victimhood and blame. But let’s face it, we don’t even really have a sure, one right answer as to why the world even exists. The answers to the why questions often continue to blow around us, in the wind, remaining uncatchable and unsatisfactory. However, answering the question: “What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?” is empowering. It is our question to answer in our own unique, unrepeatable way. No one else gets to answer it. Our actions and the way we live our one unique life is the answer to this question. How much of that answer to “What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?” , should we waste on trying to answer the whys??

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Today’s question will be taken from Dr. Edith Eger:

What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given? (key word: What)

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ I read a really good analogy to use when you want your communication to be effective and collaborative and helpful. Do not play ping-pong when you communicate. Play catch. Ping-pong communication is a fast, reactive back and forth, with someone always wanting to cleverly “win the point”. Whereas, catch is a relaxing, cooperative, slower game, where each player is taking their time with throwing out, and then taking in the messages being sent. When you are playing ping-pong, you are feeling highly competitive, whereas when you play catch, you are both playing to win, by seeing how many times that together you can keep the streak of properly throwing (sending) and catching (receiving) the ball (the message).

+ Not too long ago, I found out that I have a high percentage of Welsh in my DNA. Yesterday I saw this on the internet: “The Welsh phrase ‘dod yn ol at fy nghoed’ means ‘to return to a balanced state of mind’ but its literal meaning is ‘to return to my trees.’ “ I love this. This speaks to me deeply. It never hurts to return to our trees, does it? Nature soothes. Nature heals.

“I feel a great regard for trees; they represent age and beauty and the miracles of life and growth.” – Louise Dickinson Rich

“Trees exhale for us so that we can inhale them to stay alive. Can we ever forget that? Let us love trees with every breath we take until we perish.” – Munia Khan

“The one who plants trees knowing that he or she will never sit in their shade, has at least started to understand the meaning of life.” -Rabindranath Tagore

“I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.” – Anne Frank

“The trees encountered on a country stroll

Reveal a lot about that country’s soul…

A culture is no better than its woods.” – W. H. Auden

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2599. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be?

Monday-Funday

Credit: @woofknight, X

I feel so highly distractible these days. I’m late with my blog post again, because someone asked me (specifically) to answer a question on Quora. I don’t know if I am going to answer the question. It’s a tough question and I don’t really write on Quora any longer. (I mostly answered questions there on that site, from 2016-2018) But what happened from this question, which I opened in my email this morning, is that I logged on to Quora, and for the first time in a long, long time, I started going down the rabbit hole of reading my answers to questions which I had written on Quora many years ago. And it was fascinating for me to see where my mindset was in my late forties, and what has stayed the same, and what has changed.

I have kept a daily journal since 2013. I have written on this blog almost daily since 2018. I wish I had started sooner. Friends, if you have never journaled before, do it now. It is so therapeutic and helpful in becoming more self-aware, and more compassionate to yourself when you realize how much you have experienced in your own one life. Some people use Facebook or Instagram as a daily journal and that works, too (although sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be as honest and vulnerable on those venues as we would be in a private journal). Just do something that allows you to reflect on the “you”, who you authentically are, the “you” who you were, and the “you” who you are becoming. It’s important. You are important. Your life matters. You are your only project. Use tools that help you to reflect on and guide you, and also to compassionately (and passionately) love the greatest project of your life. You.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2877. Do you think childhood or adulthood is harder, and in a few words, why?

Soul Sunday

Good morning. I’m a little late with today’s post because I got waylaid on this website:

https://www.teamusa.com/athletes

I was lead there when reading an article about the sport, “breaking”. (some of us oldies may remember this as “breakdancing”. Its name has been shortened to “breaking” IYKYK) Anyway, that site listed above, gives a list of all of the sports being represented at the Olympics, and all of our American athletes competing in those sports. Athletes perform beautiful poetry with their bodies, don’t they?

Back to poetry with words, as Sunday is devoted to poetry on the blog: Recently, I was reintroduced to the poetry of Nikita Gill. Nikita Gill is a living poet and she stirs up words into pure poetic magic. Here is a taste of one of her poems:

May today be a poetic day for all of us. What makes life poetic? One of the definitions in the dictionary of poetry is this: “a quality of beauty and intensity of emotion.” Don’t be afraid of your intensity of emotion. Use it to make poetry in your life. Find an outlet for your intensity of emotions. Our Olympians use that intensity to make magic with their bodies. Poets use that intensity to write their words. Artists use that intensity to create tangible beauty. Your intensity and beauty needs an outlet. Find that outlet for your own unique beauty and intensity of emotion, to uplift yourself, and thus, all of the world we share.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2508. Do you think morals are universal, or relative?

11/10

“whenever a car waits for me to cross the street, I wave and mouth ‘thank you’ and rush across as fast as I can because I need them to think, wow what an 11/10 pedestrian” – Sarah J. Hass, X

This tweet just tickled me. I have been that pedestrian. And then I have admonished myself for being that overly grateful, slightly pathetic pedestrian. (Pedestrians have the right-of-way in Florida. Shouldn’t I walk confidently and stridently, at a normal pace, with my head held high?) I have also cursed under my breath, the 2/10 passive-aggressive, control freak pedestrian who meanders slowly across the walkway, phone in front of face, taking time to the smell the roses, while stealing a look over at me with a mean little smirk, seemingly delighting in my frustration.

I’ve honestly trained myself to be patient with all kinds of pedestrians, and even with all kinds of drivers, too. I’ve unintentionally run the whole gamut from 1-10 in both categories. And so I like to think that the person who I am annoyed with at that moment, is typically an 8/10 driver and/or an 8/10 pedestrian and just happens to be having an off-day. We all have them.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2883. What was the hardest thing about being a kid for you?

Olympic Friday

Hi friends!!! Happy Friday!! Happy Best Day of the Week!!! I just took a quiz asking, “How many gold medals has the United States won in the history of the Olympics?” Like any true, proud, optimistic, ethnocentric American I picked B. 3012, which was the largest number out of the three choices. It turns out a majority of us true, proud, optimistic, ethnocentric Americans also chose the same answer. We chose wrong. The true answer is 1179 gold medals (still, not too shabby).

My regular readers know that Fridays on the blog are devoted to my favorite things. What’s not to love about our stuff? We wouldn’t be true, proud, optimistic, ethnocentric Americans if we didn’t love our stuff. But before I get to my favorite for today, I wanted to give you a bonus mental health trick. We are in sticky, political times. These times tend to bring up edgy, political conversations. We’ve learned with certain people in our lives, who hold different views than us, it is best to just say, “Let’s drop the conversation.” And deep down, if you are both reasonable people who care about the health of your relationship above all else, you take this wise direction. Did you know that you can use that statement with yourself? Say you are in a mental tizzy, beating yourself up for something that you did, or something that you forgot to do, or you are just worked up about your life in general, and your mind is going over and over and over it, like a broken record, you can use the same line on yourself. “Let’s drop the conversation.” And then once you do that, force yourself to be mindful by counting your breaths, or noticing one of your senses, like what you are currently hearing. Treat your monkey mind like your annoying acquaintance who won’t let something go. Train yourself to use, “Let’s drop the conversation.” Your wisest self knows this is for the best for the overall health of your relationship with yourself.

Okay back to stuff: Earlier this summer, when I was in London, I went to the Lush flagship store. Now, not being a big fan of shopping malls, I erroneously assumed that this Lush store was the only one in existence. I excitedly texted my daughter to meet me in this amazing, interesting, one-of-a-kind store, to which she answered, “Mom, we have Lush at the mall.” (This world has gotten so global.) That turned out to be a good thing, because you probably have Lush at your own mall and if not, you can get their products online. The product which I am in love with from Lush is BIG Shampoo. Having fine hair can be such a curse, but this BIG shampoo adds volume to my hair like no other product that I have tried before it. The secret of this shampoo is big chunks of sea salt that give it an interesting, admittedly “hard to get used to” texture, but the results are worth the adjustment. You can buy it in all different sizes and even get free samples at the store, so give it a try. Let’s bring Big Hair Back, 80s Ladies!!

Have a great weekend, friends!!! See you tomorrow!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2940. Are you holding a grudge against someone or something? If so, what?

The Position to Help

Our middle son is finishing up his last year of medical school. Anyone in medical school has to go through rotations of all of the different specialties in medicine. So even if you know for sure, that you want to become a country family doctor or a psychiatrist, you still have to go through surgical rotations and emergency room rotations and rotations in the Intensive Care Unit and in Burn Units. My son’s medical school is part of a hospital system in a major city in the United States. The things that he has witnessed in just a few short years, are overwhelming to just hear about them. (I could never be in the medical fields. I don’t have the temperament for it, but I am so utterly grateful for, and respectful of those of you who do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.) As a mother, I am constantly taking my son’s “temperature” to ensure myself that he isn’t traumatized and distressed, by all that he has seen and experienced. One time my son said something to me, really profound and comforting. He said, “Mom, if I had been a helpless witness to the accident or to the situation that brought the patient to us, that would be far more traumatizing. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help.”

That is what I mean by my tagline. If we can alchemize our pains into healing for ourselves and for others, the pain doesn’t remain in its most dire, useless, self-perpetuating state. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help. Our pain gets to a higher level of healing and empowerment, when we use it to help others instead of using it to hurt others, to bring them down to the level of pain which we are feeling. (Unfortunately, misery loves company.) We get empowered over our pain when we use it as a catalyst to change what created our pain in the first place. Look at all of the people who have turned their own pain for good: civil rights leaders, women’s rights leaders, gay rights leaders, AA sponsors, diet/fitness gurus who were once overweight and unhealthy and now help others to get healthy, gun control advocates who have lost loved ones to violence, research advocates for a myriad of diseases who have lost loved ones to suffering, therapists and grief counselors who have healed their own mental health issues and want to help others to do the same, people who grew up poor and now create opportunities in the impoverished communities that they grew up in, spiritual leaders who once lost all hope, and then found inspiration and faith, and bring that inspiration to others, etc. etc.

We all have pain. Own your pain. Don’t deny it. Don’t let it eat you up inside and destroy you. Don’t remain unaware and project your pain onto someone else. Don’t compare your pain to others’ pain. This is your pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Be angry at who/what caused or contributed to your suffering. Be sad. Be compassionate. Make yourself seek help if you need help to process your pain. When you allow others to help you, you are giving them the great, empowered feeling of being in the position to help, and to continue to alchemize their own pain into uplifting good. When you accept help for your pain, you are letting your helper see that their own pain suffered wasn’t entirely in vain. And then, when you are feeling healed enough to start helping, do it. Do it. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2712. What phrase or quote best describes you?

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ “Ours is the commencement of a flying age, and I am happy to have popped into existence at a period so interesting.” – Amelia Earhart

No matter when we have “popped into existence” we are always on the cusp of the next latest technology and societal progressions, which are right around the corner. Life is immensely interesting at any point, if we let our curiosities supercede our fears.

+ For all of my readers out there who have been called “too sensitive” more than once in your life, here is yet another reminder that your sensitivity is your strength. Below, in bold, is an excerpt from an article written by the scientist, Sarah Quirk:

  1. In every ecosystem there are Indicator Species that are, effectively, “too sensitive.” They are deeply and quickly impacted by minor environmental changes. Scientists closely measure their populations specifically — like a vital sign — to understanding of the health of the overall ecosystem. They act like the canary in the coal mine for biologists to know when something is wrong that may affect everything else in the future.

2. Sensitivity is not just subjective. It is also becoming objective. There is a growing body of research that is showing the genetics of SPS (sensory processing sensitivity), a trait that indicates high levels of environmental sensitivity. It has been correlated with traits like ASD, anxiety, depression, higher levels of emotional processing, ability to read others’ emotions, and more. It’s estimated that 10-20% of studied human populations contain the SPS trait. (As such, maybe we can imagine caring for ourselves in the way that other genetic predispositions require: like fair skin needing sunscreen; sensitivity needing to find the people who want to (to your points) talk it out, reassure you that they love you, learn more and more about themselves.)

3. The evolutionary benefits of having highly-sensitive individuals in your community cannot be overstated. These were people that first noticed environmental changes in taste, smells, sounds, lights; emotional states, potential conflict and danger. These were people who could sense and warn their communities. (My unproven guess is that they were also probably the storytellers, the healers, the guides that led others through the darknesses of being human.)

If you have shut down your sensitive parts, allow them to flow again. They are a gift, not a curse. We all need your precious sensitivities to help guide the way.

+ I was listening to a podcast the other day that talked about the fact that many women deny their anger. In society, we women have learned that “our anger is bad” (and the flip side of this, men have been conditioned that anger is the only acceptable “negative” emotion for them) It is vital to remember that all of us, no matter what our sexual orientation is, feel every emotion on the behavioral spectrum, because we are all humans with complex brains and bodies, living in a complicated world. If you are a woman who is not connected with your angry parts, remember the “Mama Bear”. There is nothing more fearsome and fierce than her. It is important to note that it is vital to allow your own inner “Mama Bear” to protect you, yourself, every bit as much as your own inner Mama Bear protects those who are in her care. You are your own cub.

+ My husband and I were boating over the weekend, and where we usually go boating was overrun with boats and swimmers with red flags, who were collecting scallops, since we are in the middle of a few weeks of “scalloping season” here in our town in Florida. In case you are ever a contestant on Jeopardy, here are a few interesting facts about scallops: Scallops are the only bivalve mollusks (oysters and clams are other bivalve mollusks) which can jump and swim. Scallops cannot shut their shells completely. Scallops are made up of 80 percent protein and low in fat, making them one of the healthiest shellfish options to eat. Scallops have been around since at least the Triassic period. Scallops have many eyes (up to two hundred) Hope I didn’t ruin dinner for you!:

photo credit: Popular Mechanics

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2615. What color combination do you love together? (Mine is red and aqua. My two favorite colors look divine together!!)

Ruler

This is the year for Ixora in my neighborhood. Ixora is a shrub (also known as West Indian Jasmine) that has the brightest orange flowers that you ever wanted to see. (Do you remember “Neon Orange” of the ’80s? Ixora’s flowers are a slightly darker, sophisticated, yet poppin’ off version of that color.) This year the Ixora is having its “breakout year.” This year, in our neck of the woods, Ixora is the Taylor Swift of pop, the Michael Jordan of basketball, the Gordon Ramsay of cooks, the Frank Sinatra of blue eyes. And of course, we don’t have any Ixora in our yard. We do not own one Ixora bush. Nada one. This year, our yard looks a little bland and “meh” compared to all of our surrounding neighbors who have rows and rows of Ixora shrubs accenting their homes from every angle. Even my bougainvillea has decided to have an “off year.” Why bloom? That takes work.

I commented, trying to hide my jealousy, to my neighbor across the street, about just how amazing his Ixora looks this year. He said, “I know. I even texted my ex-wife a picture to ask her if she ever remembered the Ixora looking so lovely, when she still lived here.” Hmmm. Now, was that just a little passive-aggressive move really necessary?

No, the truth is, the Ixora has never looked this lovely. It has never bloomed so hard. It has never popped off like this since we have lived here for over a decade. Ixora is having its year. The conditions must be in perfect alignment, because Ixora is having its own shining moment in the sun. Interestingly, the word “Ixora” means “ruler, or lord.” This year, Ixora rules. It’s Ixora’s day in the sun.

I’ve noticed this particular phenomenon every year with our plants. It’s almost like they happily take turns with the spotlight. “This is your year, succulents. Strut your stuff.” “Cannas, you’re looking taller and showier than ever, this year. You bloom, baby!” Gardens, even if you never change the plants, invariably look a little bit different in every single season, in every single year. The plants seem to give each other room to grow, and space to bloom. The individual plants don’t seem to compete for attention. They do their best every year, with the conditions which they find themselves in. And while each year, a particular plant does seem to have its own showcase moment, the others all around it, are what help to make its individual beauty look so amazing. The other plants surround it with their own beauty, and together the overall garden is what makes for the true “feast for the eyes.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2961. What excites you about the future?