Tag: middle age

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ I recently mentioned The Five Minute Journal, as a wonderful tool to get started in journaling. There are two questions to answer every day that really make me pause and ponder. The first question is “What would make today great?” This question really brings up “stuff”. Like you find yourself asking, “What’s too much to ask for? Is that just total fantasy? Is that a selfish desire?” or sometimes my line of thinking goes to, “Am I asking for enough from myself and my life? Am I settling?” Sometimes I get really stumped on this question (especially on a “normal” day when there isn’t much planned except the usual routine) and I take this as a good sign. I already live a “great” life. Sometimes what makes a great day is just the peace and comfort of going about my every day experience. And only I can get in the way of “great”, by adding unnecessary worry and rumination. The other question that you are asked to answer every day in this particular journal, is to be answered at the end of the day. The question is, “What did I learn today?” At this middle stage of life, sometimes we get trapped into believing that we already know everything there is to know. “What did I learn today?” is one of those humbling, bring yourself back down to Earth/touch grass questions that tells you, if you can’t answer it, that maybe what you learned, is that adding more self-awareness and curiosity and open-mindedness in your life, may lead to a much fuller experience of living.

+ I’ve recently gotten hooked on listening to the “A Little Bit Culty” podcast as I go about my everyday chores. The founders of the podcast are a married couple who are survivors of the NXVIM cult. They interview survivors of other cults in each episode, in order to help others recognize that they themselves may currently be in a cult, or to help inform people so they do not become susceptible to joining a cult. This is one of those shows/programs that is so easy to go, “What?! How could you ever believe that ridiculousness, or think that this is normal thinking?” But if we are honest with ourselves, many of us probably carry around some beliefs about a variety of topics, that if we truly, openly, and candidly explored these beliefs, we might realize that these beliefs no longer serve us, nor are they in alignment with our deepest core values (this also happens in society – look how much has evolved in civil rights and women’s rights, just in our own lifetimes.) People are most susceptible to join cults when they are young children (they do not have a choice, they are fully dependent on others for their survival), and also in times of big life transitions such as adolescence into adulthood or entering into empty nest. (like so many of us are doing). People often join cults because they are in one of those fearful, existentially lonely times of searching, and they want to believe that someone else has all of the answers. So they give their power away. My biggest takeaway from these cult survivors is to never give your power of reason away, to anybody or anything. Question everything that you do and you think and really ask yourself if that is your own true belief, or is that what has been programmed or conditioned into you, by someone else. You really do have all of the answers inside of yourself. Resonation/intuition is quiet, deep, wise, persistent and knowing. Make listening to yourself, your highest priority before listening to anyone else. Another takeaway I’ve gotten from the show, is that so many of the survivors left their culty experiences without any sense of self. Their whole identity had been stripped away by someone else’s belief systems. Their experiences are a reminder to compassionately give yourself regular time away from your duties, roles, social circles, social media, entertainment choices, etc. in life, to check in with yourself. “What do I like to do? What resonates with me? What feels purposeful and meaningful in my life? What, when doing it, makes me feel fully “in the flow” of creating my own original life? What feels out of alignment in my life? What no longer serves?” One time a very wise person suggested that a good question to constantly ask yourself is not if an experience is “normal”, but is this experience “healthy” for me? Healthy is a much better long-term arbiter of choices in life, than what is considered to be “normal.” I am sure that we could all make long lists right now of what has been, and also what is currently happening, which while considered to be currently “normal” in society, is in no way, actually “healthy.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

And a Luna Moth

I started writing this blog in the summer of 2018. It marked the beginning of my “letting go.” I call our eldest son “the alpha”, and our daughter, “the omega.” They are the eldest and the youngest, of our four children. In 2018, our alpha started his first career job, after graduating from college. And just the other day, our omega accepted a wonderful job offer, after experiencing a successful, engaging internship over the summer. This coming summer, after she graduates from her university in May, our daughter has a job all lined up to officially start her fully independent adult life. The ending of my “letting go” is now fully upon me, as I now more clearly see the growing glimmers of my own fully independent life (a life without any dependents) gathering quickly, right around the corner.

Today, as I slowly awoke out of the kind of deep sleep that only a three-day weekend seems to truly afford, I sauntered out on to our back porch and there, quietly resting on one of our stools was a beautiful Luna moth. Luna moths aren’t actually rare. There are many of them, but they don’t live long. They only stay alive to procreate (only about 7-10 days – they don’t even have mouths to eat) and they usually prefer being out and about at night. I took this Luna moth sighting as a sign. The internet suggests that Luna moths represent rebirth, transformations and new beginnings.

As I have aged, I have learned that change is the only constant but I have also learned that very few changes are sudden. Most change is gradual, subtle, and sometimes not even recognized until it has already happened. I have spent the last seven years of my life, changing and evolving and growing and stumbling and soaring. I have spent the last seven years of my life metamorphosizing away from my major adult role as a career mother, to this new, less encumbered form of myself, who is still working her way out of the fragile cocoon of change and discovery and acceptance.

The Luna moth is still on her perch as I write this. She is taking her time, to let her wings dry before she flies on to her next anointed role, into the winds of her beautiful, transforming, fleeting life. Like nature does best, the Luna moth surrenders in total trust, to the higher forces of Life. She understands that there really isn’t a true beginning and a true end to anything, because each ending always signals a new beginning. The truth is, the alpha and the omega are actually on the exact same spot, on the one big, beautiful, magnificent, comforting circle of Life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ Years ago, I mentioned on the blog that I have kept a daily journal for over a decade. That particular journal (and its easy to do, short answer format) is unfortunately out-of-print. You can sometimes find them used: Building the Best You by Caroline Harper. However, dare I say, I came across an ever better one! The Five Minute Journal by Intelligent Change is a really easy-to-keep-up with thought-provoking daily journal. If you have been meaning to keep a daily journal, this one is an excellent place to start.

+ Last week, we lost another dear elder in our family. I’m in my mid-fifties. I am starting to lose my elders at a more rapid pace. I am finding myself more often empathizing with friends who are losing their own dear elders, in their families. One year, one of my friends lost both of her parents in rapid succession. I remember her saying that she kept running around, looking for “the adults” to come and to tell her what to do. It’s a swallow hard moment when you realize that you are “the adult”. It’s sometimes shockingly agonizing to realize that the “changing of the guard” is happening. It is sometimes overwhelming to realize that you and your generation are more and more quickly becoming “the elders.” And so the questions arise: Are we up to the task? Are we wise enough? Are we strong enough? Are we serene enough? Are we comfortable enough in our own skin, to be a much-needed comfort and support for those generations coming up behind us?

+ On a happier note, I just came back from another adventure. My daughter, a tennis enthusiast, got the opportunity to work for The US Open and so we joined her in New York City last week. We also got to visit with our eldest son and his fiancée and other family members and friends and we got to see a lot of really good tennis. Overall, it was a great trip and a nice way to end, what has turned out to be one of my favorite summers in a long while. While I’ll never be a “city girl”, you cannot beat the food choices, the eye-candy, and the endless energy that New York City has to offer. And contrary to belief, most New Yorkers are really nice people. They’re direct. They’re “to the point”, but New Yorkers always want to help in their own unique, practical, no-nonsense style. New Yorkers have a unified pride singular to their location. I’ve been fortunate enough to have travelled to many cities in my life, in the United States and abroad, and as I sat on the subway one day and I looked around at all of the variations and nationalities of people sitting in just one little subway car, it struck me that I have never seen this beautiful, truly diverse melting pot of variation anywhere else which I have been. I suppose if you are truly a melding of everything, you can better empathize with everybody and everything. And that is the real magic of New York City.

“Your Journal is like your best friend, You don’t have to pretend with it, you can be honest and write exactly how you feel” – Bukola Ogunwale 

“There are constant cycles in history. There is loss, but it is always followed by regeneration. The tales of our elders who remember such cycles are very important to us now.” – Carmen Agra Deedy

“New York is not a city; it’s a world.” – Iman

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The “Aud” Words

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the woman who was being interviewed was in her fifties, like I am. She said, “I’m done auditioning.” And that really resonated with me. For so much of our lives we feel like we are auditioning for jobs, relationships, outside approval, memberships etc. and the beautiful thing about aging out of auditioning, is that we are at the “Take me as I am” stage and we mean it. We Mean It. Auditioning is exhausting. It often requires us to “pretend” and to be pleasers and to be guessers of what others want so that we can fulfill their expectations. And then all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off. We realize we are in the second half of our precious lives, we are on the other side of the bell curve, and auditioning has lost its appeal. It is kicked to the curb. And we feel sorry for people who are still “auditioning”, especially when they are trying to get a “part” in our lives. Auditioning was never necessary. Authenticity is the part that you and I were always meant to play.

Along these same lines, I have also lost patience for being an “audience” in my older age. When you no longer need the claps of approval of others to live your own authentic life, you realize audiences aren’t necessary either – for anyone. And while you are happy to validate and encourage your loved ones in their endeavors, you no longer care to be anyone’s “captive audience.” Audiences are not necessary when you are authentically living out your moments in peace and contentment. Being an audience is not being in an equally reciprocal, healthy relationship. In many ways, audiences are in a codependent relationship with “the star.” The star gets their temporary fulfillment from the outside adulation and attention and approval, and the audience gets their temporary fulfillment by being the provider of the drug of attention to the star. And this is okay for occasional entertaining “showtimes”, but when it no longer feels like a choice to be in the audience or not, or when the relationship feels like nothing more than a forever “show”, the entertainment value of it sinks fast. Age requires deeper meaning and connection. Shallow no longer fits the bill, when you are on the flip side of your lifetime.

“Eventually you just have to realize that you’re living for an audience of one. I’m not here for anyone else’s approval.” – Pamela Anderson

“I find I often do my best work when I’m not attached to the outcome of the audition.” – Lorraine Toussaint

Cleaning Out

This is probably the longest hiatus I have taken from ASH (Adulting – Second Half) since I started writing her. And so I have also forced that hiatus on to you, my loyal readers. I’m sorry. This summer I have pressed my reset button and I’ve sat on it, like I’ve never really done before. I’ve done a lot of physical, mental and spiritual self-care in a lot of little simple ways involving rest, relaxation, gratitude, massages, reconnections with our friends, enjoying our newly restored pool and deeply reflecting on what we really want in this next stage of our lives. Our grown children are busy in happy ways. They are fulfilling their dreams and so that fills me up. And it inspires me to also dream again.

Starting next week, our kitchen and living area are getting blown up, in order to create something better and new. This summer was supposed to be one of me focused on cleaning out the clutter. “Kelly Kondo.” Hmmmmm. I have cleaned out a lot clutter in my mind, and in my heart, and in my routines. But material clutter, let’s just say that I work better under pressure. I told my husband and myself that finally today was a day without appointments and distractions and so today was the “headway day” of cleaning out the kitchen. And here I am. Writing. Writing a blog post when I haven’t written in at least a month. Sigh. We often are, our own worst enemies.

Someone recently told me something that I have to get written into the archives of this thought museum I call “ASH”. She said this: “I have never seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul.” Facts. I love my things, but I don’t necessarily think that I’m attached to them. The things which I am mostly grateful for in my life, besides my family and my friends, are my experiences, and the memories that come from those experiences, but for me, most of my material things are all tied up into my experiences. I have mementos littered all over my house that remind me of amazing adventures that I have had throughout my life. I delight in the experience of feeling excitement about discovering a knick-knack or a doo-dad or a trinket that stir up feelings in me. Many of my things make me feel happy for reminding me of the experience that evokes those feelings. I love the feeling of anticipation that comes with a load of Amazon boxes in front of my door. I freely admit that, but it is clear to me that my love is for the feeling – not for the actual thing. I love the feelings of security and abundance and nostalgia and joy. I love that many of my things that adorn me and my house, help me to creatively express more of my inner self to the outside world. That being said, I realize that all of the things could be washed away in one of our yearly hurricanes tomorrow, and nothing would be lost, but “the things.” I am the owner/gatekeeper of the feelings, and the memories of the experiences. I am the owner/gatekeeper of the joys and the memories that the things only helped to create. The things are only symbols and tools. And the things are only gone (even after they are long gone physically), when they no longer carry any meaning for me.

On that note, I have a kitchen I need to go clean out . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Plus One

I have a day full of appointments but I had to add one more exhibit to our thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. This is another one that arrived yesterday, just in time to get me back on track to focus on my “cleaning out my house” project this summer (I am admittedly, a highly distractible person):

“Does your weekly planner reflect your yearly goals?” – Chani Nicholas

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

New Exhibits

I’ve been enjoying some good summer reading while my husband is engrossed in the passion of, and his personal passion for the Tour de France. And from my readings and perusings, I have some new exhibits to add to this Thought Museum which I fondly call “Ash” – Adulting – Second Half. Here is some food for thought to chew on today:

+ What strikes the oyster, does not damage the pearl. – Rumi

I take this to mean that your body can be destroyed by outside forces, and even your mind can be destroyed by outside forces if you let it, but your spirit is timeless and it is always in a state of peaceful observance and it is protected always. Your spirit is your pearl.

+ Don’t yuck on another person’s yums.

We are all allowed to decide what we think is yucky and what we think is yummy. The world is a wonderful, interesting, diverse, “feast for the eyes”, because we all have different yuckies and yummies.

+ The need to convince others represents the need to convince yourself. – Alan Cohen

This is so vitally true, isn’t it? The things that I am absolutely sure about, I would never even think to ask anyone’s opinion about.

+ Life will not postpone our death, so let us not postpone our life.

No explanation needed. Viva!

+ If someone could see your actions and not hear your words, what would they say your priorities are?

This is such an excellent question because it separates you from yourself a little bit, and also from your expectations of yourself, and from your own self-image and your own private “shoulds.” My kids have heard the mantra from me a million times in their growing up years: “Actions speak louder than words. People show you who they are.” Be honest with yourself with this question. It may surprise you that your actions don’t really match what you think are actually your own priorities. The way that this question is worded may help you to get back on track to what you really want your true priorities to be in your life.

+ Yesterday, I received this blog in my email and it was EXACTLY what I needed to “hear.” (I believe that this is how the Universe works. Let Life love you.) Jill Donovan is a jewelry designer and an excellent writer. She is a devout Christian, so it does have a lot of “God” reference, but I still believe that anyone, no matter what their beliefs are, can get something from this post:

https://jilldonovan.com/blogs/practically-speaking/all-cats-are-grey-in-the-dark

Thank you for perusing the museum with me today. If you have any suggestions for good exhibits, please add them in the Comments.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Comfort Cairns

Screenshot

Hello, friends. I’m sorry that I have been MIA. I am busy working on my summer projects: cleaning out my house for a fresh start to our relatively new empty nest stage of life (see the meme above – I’ve probably gone into that store and many, many others like it, way too many times in my life), healing from another incredibly painful episode of cervical radiculopathy (so far, the most helpful has been electroacupuncture, but if anyone has any tips or suggestions out there, I’ll take ’em) and getting back to my equilibrium after a highly eventful first half of the year. (This takes longer the older that I get, I am finding.)

The other day, our elderly neighbor, who is always working on his lovely yard, donning his red/white/blue headband, (and I love this – this is one of my “comfort cairns”. I can look out of my window almost any day of the week and see my neighbor lovingly attending to his yard. It gives me a feeling of peace and serenity. It’s one of those calm places in the midst of the myriad of storms swirling about, on any given day. This is a good time to take a pause from reading my fascinating blog (wink), and think about what your “comfort cairns” are – examples of other ones of mine are watching our collie, Josie, lying in the grass “sunbathing”, lighting candles, bowls of feathers and rocks and shells that I have collected from my travels in life, the list goes on . . . . ) told me that he and his wife were going away to visit his brother and he asked me to get a package, that he couldn’t stop from coming, from their front stoop, when they were gone. So, I said, “yes”, of course, but I also told him that I would miss seeing him out in his yard. When I went to retrieve the package, I noticed two adorable little wooden Snoopy characters on stakes in the side garden by their front door. I texted my neighbor that I had gotten his package and that I loved their Snoopys. He texted me to remind him to tell me the story about the Snoopys when they got back.

So when my comfort cairn was reliably out in his yard after his trip, I asked him to tell me about the Snoopys. He smiled humbly, and he proceeded to say that his wife has loved Snoopy since she was a little girl. Her father was a carpenter and so her father made the wooden Snoopy stakes for her, but they were only the outline of Snoopy. (her father was a woodworker, not a painter) My neighbor said that they faithfully took the Snoopys from house to house, as they raised their family, and then, they finally moved them to the garage, in this current home, their retirement home. My neighbor said that right before Mother’s Day this year, he saw the wooden stakes hanging in their garage and he decided that he wanted to bring them to life for his wife. He bought some paint and he asked his artsy granddaughter to paint them, in order to really bring Snoopy alive. And so she did. And so my elderly neighbor’s elderly wife woke up on Mother’s Day, and she walked outside to see her beloved Snoopys dancing in her garden. And I thought to myself, what she really saw dancing in the garden was the love that her father and her husband and her family, have for her now, and for always.

And as I finish writing this post, I realize that one of my biggest comfort cairns (besides shopping for things that I don’t need) is writing this blog. <3

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

16 Years Ago

A friend texted me a flashback photo this morning of me with a group of our mutual friends, 16 years ago today. Honestly, I’m going to brag a little. I looked really good in that picture. I was 38-years-old. But what makes me sad, is that the 38-year-old woman in the picture didn’t realize it. She was hypercritical of herself. She was insecure and desperately trying to make everything “stay the same”. It was one of the most stressful times of her life, as she and her husband had just become the “poster kids” for the Great Recession. I wish that I could go back in time and hug my 38-year-old self. I would hug her so hard. I wish that I could sit with her, hold her hand, and tell her that things were going to be tumultuous, and scary, but also amazing and thrilling and that all of the changes ahead of her were actually going to be really fantastic springboards towards her most authentic life. That 38-year-old woman was really worried about the future. She sometimes got panicky thinking about it. She wanted the full-proof plan to be shown to her immediately, as to what the future was going to look like for her and her family. And the crazy thing is, even being a positive, resilient, hopeful, faithful young woman, she still could have never, ever imagined how wondrous the years ahead would be. She could never have imagined that she would successfully make it through all of the ups and downs (some of these being really, really steep ups and downs, as is the way of life) and have so many incredible adventures along the way, bringing her to this moment, now. Here. Now. I can’t go back and hug my 38-year -old self, but I can hug my 54-year-old self. Here. Now. My 54-year-old self is hypercritical about her aging face and body. She is sometimes insecure and feels a little wrecked when things don’t “stay the same.” But I’m guessing that 16 years from now, I will look back at pictures of my 54-year-old self, and I will smile. I will brag a little. She will look good. She will be smiling at the camera, having no idea of all of the events that will happen in the next 16 years of her life, but hopefully, she will sense my hug. She will feel loved by herself. And that will be enough to sustain her, as she carries on down the unknowable winding path of her marvelous life.

“In twenty years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.” – Mary Schmich

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Suess

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Baby Steps

So, I have told everyone and their grandmothers that my major goal this summer was to clean out our home like we are moving, even though we aren’t. I have done this to keep myself accountable. After a lot of soul-searching and going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, my husband and I decided to keep our current home, instead of downsizing and/or upsizing, for the foreseeable future. We plan to remodel some more areas of our current home to better fit our empty-nester lifestyle. That being said, this is the longest we have lived in any single home (11 years), and the piles of accumulation of stuff that 11 years in one place has generated, are daunting. I feel overwhelmed by the project. Interestingly though, I read something yesterday morning that made a whole lot of sense and then afterwards, I can honestly say I made a nice little dent in cleaning out some of my closet and bathroom cabinets.

Jill Donovan blogged yesterday about once hearing this said: “If you can’t reach your goal, it might be because your first step isn’t small enough.”

Lightbulb moment. I have been telling everyone’s grandmother that I am going to be cleaning out my entire house this summer. And then I feel faint. I remain frozen in overwhelm. And before yesterday, the only real steps that I have taken towards this goal, is to tell even more people, willing to be my audience, that I am going to do it. When I look at my goal from this big picture point of view, I feel snowed under (even in this incredibly hot summer). However, if I break my goal down to cleaning out just one small section of my house each day, or even just one small drawer, in one small section of my house, each day, the goal doesn’t seem so bad. At the very least, by breaking it down to tiny steps, I have moved past the proclamation of the project, into the actual “doing it.”

In her blog, Jill says if you find yourself stuck or frozen on something you want to do, but it seems too formidable to even begin, break the goal down to such tiny steps, that you can’t help but take the first step, and from there, the momentum will begin. She says that if you are wanting to write a book this summer, just start with “the title.” If you are wanting to start exercising more, just start parking your car at the back end of the grocery store parking lot. Every major thing accomplished, is an accumulation of a bunch of little baby steps along the way. And the key to getting even more energy towards achieving any goal, is to start moving towards it, even if it is just putting one little toe slightly outside of the starting gate.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.