A Fire is a Fire

I just recently had to have a complicated root canal that involved several dental visits and two hardcore antibiotics. So when I mentioned to my husband that I was now feeling soreness on my bottom left line of molars, he said to me, “Don’t wait until a 5 alarm fire to make the appointment. A fire is a fire, but smaller fires are easier to put out.”

I like to think of myself as the wise, deep thinker of our relationship, but the facts are, my husband is every bit as wise and deep as I am, probably more so. (he just doesn’t pontificate as much as I do) And this fire analogy is one that certainly deserves to be in this thought museum that we call Adulting – Second Half.

We do this to ourselves all of the time, don’t we? (at least I do) We often, deep down know that things are beginning to smolder somewhere – in our bodies, in our relationships, in our homes, in our jobs, in our daily habits, in our finances, etc. but we don’t really want to deal with the little fires. They are annoying. They’re not that big of a deal. Anyway, we don’t have time (nor desire) to deal with them right now. We think that if we just ignore these little bothers and issues, they might just disappear.

When raising my kids and something relatively minor happened with one of them, say a parking ticket, or a bad grade, or sleeping in late, etc., I would always admonish them to take the lesson early. There are small consequences for small mistakes, but if you don’t learn the lesson, the Universe is sure to send you a bigger version of the teaching, until you finally learn the lesson and change direction. I would say, “Consider yourself lucky that the Universe usually sends small hints and experiences to learn from, unless you don’t heed the lesson and you are finally hit over the head with a big ol’ hammer of a lesson for not heeding the breadcrumbs which were being sent to you, all along the way.”

So I heeded my husband’s good reminder about degrees of fires, and I went back to my dentist yesterday. “You again?” the entire office staff teased me, with mixed looks of pity, concern, and empathy. I sat down (once again) in my dentist’s chair and I told him what my husband said about fires. “Well, let’s take a look,” he said kindly. And what the x-ray showed was not decay. My teeth were all healthy. It appeared that my back molars were sore because my bite was “off” from my recently replaced crown. He shaved down a little bit of my back molar, charged me nothing to do it, and sent me on my way – happy, relieved and smiling. Another fire put out!

And now on to a plumbing issue, although this one doesn’t really fit the fire analogy quite as well . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

You’re Not Sunk

“Your fear that leaving this relationship will be a waste of the time you’ve invested in it over these past five years is a psychological trap called a sunk cost fallacy. It’s when you make the irrational decision to stay in a relationship based on your past investment of time, love, work, and energy, rather than on what’s in your best interest going forward. Sunk cost fallacies keep us stuck in the bad thing rather than allowing us to move forward in the direction of something better.” – Cheryl Strayed (from Dear Sugar)

I’ve written about sunk cost fallacies before, but I think this thought bears repeating. Today, is the first day of August and almost the last day of summer. (My husband keeps reminding me that this is not technically true, but the kids from our area go back to school next week and my daughter heads back to college the following week, so in my mind, which has been conditioned to the school calendar for a long, long time, summer is practically over. Remember, much like northerners are usually happy to see the winter end, most of us Floridians feel the same way about summer.) Not only is it the first day of August, but it is also a Full Moon day. Historically, full moons have been thought to be a time of reaping the harvest, and letting all things go that no longer serve us. Full moons have been thought to be times of culmination and of release.

So today, with it being a full moon on August 1st, it is an excellent day to get real with yourself, and ask yourself if you are currently caught up in any psychological traps of the sunken cost fallacy variety. These traps don’t always just relate to romantic and platonic relationships. We can get caught up in sunken cost fallacies related to almost anything: our jobs, the people we go to for services, such as doctors, hair stylists, dry cleaners, etc., a hobby, a volunteer position, where we live, where we vacation, our daily habits . . . . it can apply to almost anything. Basically, we all have areas in our life where things are a little stale and no longer working for us, even if they worked perfectly for us in the past. Just as a lovely little pot is the perfect place to house and to protect a young growing plant, there comes a time when the plant needs to be transplanted to an area where it can better spread its roots, in order to grow and to thrive.

In my own life’s experience and in observing others’ experiences, I’ve noticed that if we hang on too long to anyone or to anything, for no other reason than we have already spent a lot of time, energy, work, resources and emotion, on that situation, eventually the Universe will do the pruning for us, sometimes in a shocking, sudden, dramatic fashion, since we weren’t heeding its constant, growing louder hints from our own intuition, for a long, long time. And then, after the dust settles, we end up landing in this place of wonder and of amazement, because we suddenly see that the drab, dire story which we had been telling ourselves – “There is no other choice/option here”, is clearly false. We were the ones holding the keys to our own options and to our own freedom, the whole time. And this is when we ask ourselves, “Why did I waste so much time and energy staying put?”

Change is scary, but change, as we all well know, is the only real constant in life. By the time we hit middle age, we all are likely to have stories in our histories that prove that the sunken cost fallacy is truly just a mind trick. (Ask me about a money pit house we owned in the Carolinas sometime, if you want your ears burned off.) We are often susceptible to the sunken cost fallacy because of our honest, good intentions, always looking for the benefit of the doubt, our high hopes, and our misguided loyalty that sometimes veers into obstinate stubbornness. We’re human. However, knowing that we are all susceptible to the sunken cost fallacy but also capable of overcoming it, where does it seem to be sinking its teeth into your life? What, in the cupboard of your one life, has gone well over its expiration date? Where in your life, has your intuition been pinging you to change it up? Remind yourself of other times in your life when you finally made a much needed change (or it was made for you), and how the outcome of that change has improved your life immensely. Remind yourself also, that you brought all of the lessons, understandings, and happy memories that came from that prior situation along with you, even after you made the decision to leave it. All is not lost. The biggest trick of the sunken cost fallacy is the idea that just because something is no longer a fit for you, doesn’t mean that you got absolutely nothing for all of the time, energy, emotion and work, you put into it. The most invaluable, precious things in life are the things which we always have with us, the things which no one else can ever take from us – our memories, our knowledge and our wisdom gained, and our strength from fully experiencing life, and processing what those experiences mean to us, going forward.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Hello, loves. I am happy that you are here with me. Welcome to Soul Sunday. On Sundays, I wax poetic. I write a poem or I share a poem by another poet. I think that poems open you up to your own soul better than any other kind of writing. Poems often bypass the analytical mind and head straight to the heart. Here’s your assignment: Write a poem today. Just start writing. You may be amazed with what talents you possess! You will feel better and clever and mysterious and interesting. You will feel more connected to your deepest self, and that is a wonderful way to start a week.

The Course

The Teacher arrived and opened his familiar, worn lesson book,

I winced, but The Teacher smiled and asked me to take another look.

I thought that I already mastered the lesson (many times before).

But The Teacher reminded me that there is always something more.

The Lesson is always the simple, solid same, but the learner is ever shifting.

The learner comes with new, fresh eyes to grasp what The Lesson is now gifting.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.