My prayers are for the Ukrainian people, particularly the children. May their fears be snuffed out by the peace of a strong faith and the perseverance of endless hope. My prayers are for our world leaders. May these leaders only hear and react to the quiet wisdom and guidance that is imparted to all of us by the Divine, for the highest good of us all. May peace reign.
“You can’t separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.” – Malcom X
“The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that its center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.” – Black Elk
“I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.” – Helen Keller
“Peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations… entangling alliances withnone.” – Thomas Jefferson
“Mankind must remember that peace is not God’s gift to his creatures, it is our giftto each other.” – Elie Wiesel
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Sadness is the soul’s way of saying this mattered.” – (from the video above), Jane’s “Ted Talk from Bed Talk”
I, like so many others, was a little bit soul-shattered to hear of Jane’s (Nightbirde) passing over this past weekend. I thought that Jane was incredible – the epitome of beauty, inside and outside. Her voice and her music were amazing, but her writing and her wisdom is what touched the depths of my being. I read recently that we all want to live a long life and to have a short death, and Jane didn’t get either of these. Still, Nightbirde persevered and she inspired millions all around the world, to do the same, and to remain in awe of the beauty in life, all around us. Jane often used the hashtag phrase, #SeeJaneWin. She did win. She won at life by living life fully, and honestly, and earnestly, and faithfully, and hopefully and authentically. She didn’t cheat herself from experiencing “the all of it All.” And she inspired so many others to do the same.
I’ve read a lot of the comments, outpouring on Nightbirde’s Instagram in these past hours after the announcement of her passing. Jane energized many people to keep on going, during their own trials, and health failings, and dark moments in their own lives. So many people testified to this fact. So many people consider Jane to be “an angel on Earth.” One person wrote R.I.P., RETURN IF POSSIBLE. I like that version of R.I.P. We need more Janes in this world. Jamal Edwards, a young, influential rapper, and writer from the United Kingdom recently passed in the last couple of days, as well. He is credited with this thought: “The goal is not to live forever, the goal is to make something that will.”
Our bodies will eventually turn to dust, and our things will be sold in estate auctions. Our only real, everlasting legacies are what and who we affected in this world. These actions are what create the ripples that move all across the waters that cover this entire world, and these collective actions form what we now call “history”. What we create, what we experience, and what we bring into fruition into this world are our gifts, and our endowments to the banks of inspiration, hope, wisdom, experience, strength, faith, beauty- all of the elements of life that others can draw off of, when needed. Our daily being is our one precious gift to this Tapestry of Life that is being created by all of us. We all have the ability to give the highest and fullest and truest forms of ourselves back to the banks of Life. That is our only goal: to give back to the world the only part of us that will last forever – Love.
Yesterday, at physical therapy, I met Anna, a hilarious octogenarian of Greek descent. I overheard her talking to her physical therapist, a man in his late thirties, who shares Anderson Cooper’s same sweet, embarrassed, shy laugh which he was doing all morning because Anna was a hoot.
In a heavily accented voice, this was the first conversation that I heard her having with her physical therapist:
“So, I told my friend about my doctor. And she went to him. Now my friend is a very attractive 80-year-old. She’s had a few facelifts, but you know, she’s eighty. And my doctor is very good looking, but he is 51. My friend says to me, “Anna, is your doctor married?” I said, “What are you, one of those cougars? That would be like having sex with someone who could be your son. Come on now!”
She interspersed “Come on now!” a lot in her conversation. And her physical therapist did his Anderson Cooper-like nervous, yet appreciative laugh, throughout all of her exercises and her stories.
She continued, “Now when my husband turned 90, we stopped having sex. That door was shut. Come on now!”
I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing out loud and I don’t have a shy Anderson Cooper-ish quiet, embarrassed giggle. I laugh out loud and proud. So at that moment, Anna peered over at me, her eyes piercing holes through her large, artistic, black glasses, right through me and she said,
“You, my friend, are an eavesdropper!!! Come on now!” (Now, my regular readers know that I cop to being an eavesdropper all of the time on this blog, but this is the first time that I actually got called out on it, by someone whom I was eavesdropping on. Nevertheless, I got the sense that Anna sort of liked my eavesdropping. She liked an audience. She seemed kind of “show-bizzy”.)
I said, “It’s true! But I only eavesdrop on interesting people.” Her physical therapist just looked at me with wide eyes, and continued his nervous giggle.
Anna liked that answer. She continued talking to her physical therapist, maybe even slightly more loud and animated, this time about her depressed friend Linda, who always calls Anna, apparently, in order to get cheered up.
“Oh, Linda, what are ya down about now? Linda, you gotta smile. Life isn’t so bad. Come on now!”
I was disappointed when Anna’s physical therapist told her that they were moving to a different station all the way across the room. Before she headed over there, she marched over to the table, where I was lying on my stomach doing leg lifts. This is when my loud laughs perhaps turned more into a nervous giggle. Anna grasped my hands and she said, “Young lady, (I loved her for that description!), always remember, laughter is the best medicine. Keep laughing! Come on now!”
Come on now, readers! Laugh a little today. Life isn’t so bad!! A sweet and salty old bird with a feisty attitude and a zest for life reminded me that laughter is the best medicine in all of the world. And she looked (and clearly felt) terrific! Take a double dose of laughter today. You won’t regret it.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Customer service is just someone on the phone telling you to do it yourself.” – Erica Rhodes (comedian), Twitter
I love Erica Rhodes. She is brilliant. I highly recommend watching one of her comedy specials, if you need a laugh today. Yesterday, after spending at least ten minutes banging on my keypad, trying desperately to not have to converse with a pointless robot, I finally got to a customer “service” person. At one point the customer service person at the other end of my phone literally said to me in a flat, disinterested voice, “with everything that you have going on with your bill” as if her own company had nothing to do with the graffiti art that is my cell phone statement every month. I honestly just started laughing, slightly maniacally, and she sounded confused but then started laughing along with me.
In all fairness, the other day, after opening up an oil soaked box from Bath & Bodyworks because whoever packed the box seemed to think that 2 inches of bubble wrap, total, was more than enough for 25 fragile glass fragrance bulbs, to be shipped in, all the way across the country (and this being the second time that I had experienced this fun-filled phenomenon in a row), I spoke to a Customer Service representative who was honestly, incredibly awesome. This CSR had probably started her career at Chick-Fil-A. (did you ever notice that everyone, at every company now says the Chick-Fil-A original line in a perky voice – “It’s my pleasure!”?!?) She was trained right. She had me diffused quicker than my stress-relief fragrance bulbs ever could. (on an aside, my family loves to watch me get all wound up and fiery, talking to customer service reps. I usually start out with, “Look I’m not being a “Karen” here . . . ” And then I hear snickers and whispers from my family, “But you kind of are . . . “) Seriously, this woman was so kind, so understanding, so good at listening and she went above and beyond, in order to rectify the situation. I honestly was stunned. I couldn’t believe that I was actually experiencing good, reasonable customer service. It had been so, so long since I had experienced excellent customer service. So, that’s when I asked to speak to her manager. I, of course, got her manager’s voicemail, but I left a long, enthusiastic, glowing review about my experience with this customer service person. My thought was, if I made the effort to let my unhappiness be known, I should also have the time and the decency to let my satisfaction be conveyed, as well.
Here are some of the more witty, relatable replies to Erica’s on-point tweet:
“Can I help you” has always been a funny opening line to me. -@CharlesScheer
Best ones are when you use a service’s website for guidance, but it makes no sense or is counterproductive. You get in touch with them and they send you the same link on the web chat or by email ? – @BotondHamori
Or transferring you back to the person who transferred your call to him/her. -@JPReisender
And then asking if you are satisfied with their help, and asking if there is anything else that they can help you with today …@nattybumpercar
If you’re lucky enough to get an actual Fking human! I almost always get Siri’s dropout cousin . . . . @BenekeBc
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’m a big believer in trying to make every day a good day, but come on, on Fridays, “the good part” just doesn’t take much effort, does it? Friday is my favorite day of the week, mostly because I love the feelings of freedom and anticipation. On Fridays, here at the blog, I list my favorites. Typically, I try to list around three favorite products, or books, or TV shows, or whatevers that have helped to make my life interesting and enjoyable. Please share some of your favorites in my Comments section. It’s always fun to discover new favorites.
My favorite reading this morning:
“We cannot wake up and know who we are, as we are always building it. Much remains unreconciled, an indication of being alive.” – Holiday Mathis
Friends, we are all works in progress. That’s the joy and the process of living. Cut yourself a break this weekend and just experience the experience without judgment. Please, don’t take yourself so seriously. Be grateful that you have all of the ingredients: mind, body, and spirit, in order to fully experience the awesomeness of living a life on Earth. That’s honestly all there is to it.
My favorite story of the week:
My friend asked her mother-in-law if she believed in “love at first sight.” “Absolutely!” her mother-in-law replied. “It’s happened to me 14 times!” I imagine that there was a pregnant pause at this moment. I know that my eyebrows were raised listening to my friend tell her story. I thought to myself, “Wow, now that’s what I call a romantic!”
My friend’s mother-in-law continued, “The first time that I laid eyes on my three sons, and my eleven grandchildren and great-grandchildren, I completely experienced love at first sight. No doubts about it.”
Some people are just so awesome to their very cores, aren’t they???
My second favorite story of the week: (This time I was eavesdropping at my physical therapy session. My regular readers know that I do this. Tsk. Tsk. It’s a bad habit of mine, but you must know, we writers tend to eavesdrop. Facts.)
The young male physical therapist was lamenting to his older female patient about how much his young sons fight and argue. The woman mentioned that her own sons are now in their forties, but when they were young and they were fighting and fussing, she would take two chairs, sit them down and make the boys face each other. She would then say, “Compliment each other, until I say stop!”
Now, the woman admitted that this activity never went the way that she had planned. One boy would start with, “I really like how ugly your hair looks today.” And then the other brother would try to creatively top his brother’s “compliment” with something even better, like, “I really like how you keep proving to me that you are even stupider than I thought you were . . . ” The woman told her PT that the boys got a big hoot and holler out of this activity and they would end up in fits of laughter, and they would be buddies all over again in a matter of minutes. The brothers would bond over clever and witty insults disguised as compliments. (As a mother of three sons, I know that this has to be a true story. Boys get a charge out of insulting each other. I’ve never quite understood it, but it does create a bro-bond like nothing else does.)
When I hear stories like these, I always think to myself, “Why didn’t I think of that???” It almost makes me want to go back to mothering young children. (“Almost” being the key word here.)
My favorite product of the week:
My husband and I went to the grocery store together to pick out a pile of junk food to enjoy while watching the Super Bowl last Sunday. Russell Stover chocolates were “buy one/ get one” at our local Publix. How perfect, his and her boxes of chocolate, even before Valentine’s Day!!! After devouring two boxes of Russell Stover Assorted Milk Chocolate Covered Nuts this week, my husband and I both agreed that we have been way too snobby about Russell Stover candy. I wish that I didn’t love this candy as much as I do. I wish that I was still a chocolate snob who hadn’t eaten 26 pieces of Russell Stover chocolate this week. My husband even noted that the candy was not perfectly molded to the point that it almost looked like it was homemade. Go get you some Russell Stover chocolates today, if there is any left. It is sure to be on sale after Valentines Day.
That’s all from me for today. Remember that favorites come in all different packages and many favorites are absolutely free. List your favorites today. This activity will bring a smile to your face. I promise you. This activity is one of my favorite things to do because it brings the joy of my favorites bubbling up to the surface, all over again.
See you tomorrow! Have a great weekend!!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Last night, my husband and I watched the latest episode of “1883”. There was a poignant scene (spoiler alert) in which Elsa tells her mother that the pioneers (many of these pioneers were immigrants from other countries) who are bringing all of their old customs, and the ways of the lands which they are trying to escape, are going to end up with the same, sad situations that made them willing to leave all that they had known, for a wild, and full of danger new country. I have looked all over the internet for the exact quote (because Taylor Sheridan’s writing is more eloquent and divine than mine), but I wasn’t able to find it. In short, the conversation was making clear, the old adage, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
I jotted this quote down the other day:
“If you desire to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world.” @DukeHomer, Twitter
Change is a deliberate process. And change is never easy. Real changes start from deep inside of oneself, and it is these internal changes that start reflecting real change in the externals of our lives. To make real change, you must change the way you think about things. To make real change, you must be capable of honest self reflection. To make changes in your life, you must stop reflecting on what you do not want, what you do not like, what is bad, and you must pivot all of these thoughts to what you do want, what you do like, and what is the good for which you are aiming to achieve. Once you have decided what you are aiming towards, you can then create the steps that you must take, in order to create this real change in your life. To make real lasting change, you must put all of your focus back onto yourself, the only person whom you are ever capable of changing.
We all have done this process of change in our lives. Most of us have moved out of our homes and away from our families of origin, and we have created our own families and homes and daily lives. We have taken the habits, and the customs, and the traditions that we liked about our families of origin, and we deliberately included them in our own lives and homes and families, and yet, on the other hand, we have done some things differently from where and whom we came from, because these things no longer served nor resonated with our adult selves and the families and the lives we desire to have and to experience.
Change is very much a conscious act. Change is sometimes thrust upon us when we experience a major lifestyle change or suffer a loss in our lives, such as a death of a loved one, or a major illness, or a severed relationship, or the empty nest, or a job loss. However, it is how we react to any of these situations that will make the difference between a true, healthy, growing, metamorphic change happening for us in our lives, versus if we struggle and fight against a change, with the fruitless idea of being able to keep things always the same, and under our own individual control.
Real change is purposeful and it is not easy. But deliberate reflection, and then taking the steps for meaningful change, is what gives our lives more purpose and more meaning and more vitality and more satisfaction than just about any other experience that we have in our lives. To create meaningful change in our own lives, reminds us of our own individual power and our freedom to be exactly who we are individually meant to be. To make change, is to be the deliberate creators of this world which we share. We were all given the ability to make changes in our lives, but the desire for change has to be strong enough for us to take the first difficult steps, and then to take the the many more steady, willful, confident, vision-filled steps to achieve the difference we want in our lives, and thus, the difference that we ultimately want our lives to be, in the greater world around us.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
My husband and I just finished up the fourth season of “The Sinner.” It’s a great show. I highly recommend it. Without giving too much away, a character in this recent season tells the detective, Harry (who is the protagonist in all seasons of “The Sinner”) that his guilty feelings are coming from his ego. This perked my ears. When we feel guilt, we often like to believe that this guilt comes from the most holy part of our conscious, but this is not necessarily always the case. Appropriate guilt energizes us to make amends and to do better, but many of us walk around with quite a bit of unsubstantiated guilt, which isn’t doing anything for anyone. This kind of guilt veers dangerously into the territory of shame.
We love to say that “so and so” made me feel guilty. Yet, we all have heard and intellectualized the statement that no one can make us feel anything. Our feelings are ours to own. Our reactions to other’s actions, are all our reactions to deal with, and to explore. People can be manipulative and conniving and they can try to play on our emotions, but it is up to us to explore our emotions and reactions, in order to understand where these emotions and reactions are coming from. These emotions are all ours. It is up to us to decide whether pleasing or disappointing someone else is really our responsibility and further, are their reactions to our choices really our responsibility, either? Appropriate guilt is when you have done something morally wrong and against your code of character. Inappropriate guilt truly does come from an oversized ego that believes that it is responsible for all the happiness in the world. Inappropriate guilt keeps us feeling responsible for living for other people, making us believe that we must be who they want us to be, and do what they expect us to do, in order for them to be happy. Our ego says that we have the power to make other people happy, but the hard truth is, none of us are that powerful. Happiness is an inside job for each individual. People getting what they want may bring a temporary relief to them, and a temporary relief to our sense of “guilt and responsibility”, but in the end we all are in control of our own feelings which come from our thoughts and our perspectives on what is happening in our own lives.
Sometimes we think that feeling guilty makes us better people, but guilt is really a useless emotion if it doesn’t inspire us to make healthy changes in our lives. Wallowing around in guilt, doesn’t help us, nor anyone else. We think that carrying around guilt is a form of punishment for what we have done, but this carrying around guilt is not doing anything for anyone. This act is useless. And with this realization, it becomes interesting to explore the tie of ego to guilt. We must really think that we are big, important stuff if “we are guilty” for all of the pains in the world, or even for all of the pains in our small corner of the world. Ego loves to make us feel more important and significant than we really are, in the overall scheme of things.
Those of us who feel a lot of “guilt”, like to believe that we are good caring people who worry about everyone’s feelings. We like to believe that we are “good” people who feel connected to all of those around us. I remember the first “aha” moments, when my “saintly side” was figuring out that she was more tied to her outsized ego, than she would like to believe herself to be. I started to come to realize that I was personalizing others’ rude behavior towards me. I believed that others’ nastiness was all saved up for me, until I started noticing that most other people were also at the receiving end of these same damaged people’s mean and nasty and passive aggressive, underhanded behavior. In other words, their behavior wasn’t all about me. I wasn’t the center of the universe. Mean people’s meanness is about them. I’m not a special target.
So, in this same light of understanding, this kind of “aha moment” came back to me watching “The Sinner” the other night. Feeling guilty and responsible for other people’s happiness and their feelings, is much about my own ego. It makes me feel powerful to think that I am in control of how other people feel. Ewwww. Once again, reminder to self: I am not the all-powerful, center of the universe.
To distinguish between appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt, ask yourself these questions: What have I done wrong? Is someone feeling disappointed truly my responsibility? What would I expect of others if the roles were reversed? Am I responsible or even capable to make anyone feel anything?
If you come to the conclusion that you have actually done something harmful and wrong, apologize, make amends where you can, accept the consequences to your actions, and let it go. Carrying around a big bag of guilt is not going to do anything helpful and positive for anyone. And if you realize that you are feeling inappropriate guilt, remind yourself to tame your ego. You are not the grand wizard of fixing everyone’s feelings. Simply put, you are not that powerful. Put the focus back where it should be, on the only person’s feelings and perspectives you have any control over: your own.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Isn’t this a wonderful time in the world to be a curious person? Thank you, Google. National Geographic used to be a stack of weirdly thick, yellow framed magazines on my grandfather’s coffee table. Today, National Geographic is not only a magazine, but also a website and a streaming channel. Never has information been so vividly and easily accessible to us, in our lives. We all can be Einsteins if we want to be. It turns out that Einstein and Curious George had a lot in common.
Einstein also said this:
“I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.”
I love this phenomenon, don’t you? It is thought that some of our greatest insights and answers come to us in our dreams, when we are at our most relaxed and not desperately turning the wheels in our minds. That’s why it is always suggested to have a tablet right by our bedsides, to jot down the wisdoms from our dreams when we wake up.
When we were in San Francisco a few years ago, my husband purchased me a jade bangle from the Chinatown district. Chinese people have prized jade for over 7000 years. They consider jade to be a living force which protects the wearer and they even believe that jade has some healing properties. It is a wonderful souvenir from that particular trip. The jade bangles do not have clasps, and you want the bangle to just be slightly bigger than your wrist, or otherwise it is annoying to have the bracelet slide up and down on your arm too much, and bang on everything in sight. Therefore, due to their tight fit, the jade bangles will not slide on to your wrist when you are too rigid and uptight, and trying to force them over your hand. “Relax, relax, relax” is all that the shopkeeper kept repeating to me as I was desperately trying to try on my bangle, like one of Cinderella’s sisters trying to stuff her foot into the glass slipper. So, finally, taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, I let my thoughts float away, and then, I slowly opened my eyes, only to see and to feel the jade bangle sitting nicely on my wrist. (and then I started panicking about getting it off of my wrist, but that is another story for a different blogpost.)
Maybe today is a good day to “relax, relax, relax.” Maybe today is a good day not to force anything, but instead let the answers, and the inspirations, and the guidance float over to us, only to set nicely into our hearts. It took me a long time to figure out that I will never be able to outrun any of my dogs, but if I just stay calm, and I stand in place, with a gentle, knowing confidence, my dogs always run right back to me. Perhaps that is the same with “the truth.” If the truth came to Einstein in this fashion, it will work for us in the same way. Maybe the truth never left any of us. Perhaps, we just haven’t been relaxed enough, to let the truth bubble up slowly to the surface.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
People have commented to me more than once, that they are amazed that I write consistently, practically every single day, at least one sentence, on this blog. I do like to believe that I am a reliable, loyal, consistent person. I think that to get really good at anything, you must do it consistently. Certainly, I do like the idea of this blog being a comfort to those who come here every single day, to ponder along with me. The thought of our virtual, intimate commune, fills me with a form of deep and grateful contentment.
That being said, as fulfilling it is to have readers and to have others validate my musings, I do this blogging for me. It is not a chore. It is not even a purposeful, daily practice. Writing is one of my greatest joys and pleasures. When I am writing, it is the part of my day that I feel most fully myself. My writing time is probably the most sacred time of my day. I can’t wait to get up and write in the morning. I get giddy thinking about what I am going to write about next. Writing is my passion and I now realize that I let it remain dormant for much too long a time in my life. Throughout the years, my desire to write would try to force itself out, pushing through the doors, in the form in extra long emails to my friends and my family, in flowery work memos at my part-time jobs, in extra-descriptive posts about items that I was selling on eBay, and in half-started journals along the way. But I didn’t really open the door wide open to my passion for writing, until 2018, when I was 48-years-old. I didn’t surrender to my muse despite all of its gentle nudging and subtle hints sent along my way. I didn’t allow my longing to write to become a priority, until I decided that I would have to do it, or bust.
What is lying dormant in you? It is never too late to open the lid, pull it out, dust it off, throw away all of the old crusty criticisms from yourself and from others, and just do it. Just bask in it. Have a reunion with your deepest longings. Feel the joy of reconnecting with that which makes you feel more alive than anything. If you feel a stirring, but you are not sure what that stirring is, look for clues. What makes you curious? What gets your most rapt attention? What did you love to do as a child? What did you love to do that you shut down long ago, because someone else put it down? What is something you liked to do, but you stopped doing it, because you were afraid of stealing the spotlight from someone else with the same interest and talent (i.e. “my brother is the musician in the family”)? Whose talents do you most admire? What do people remark about what is special and unique and interesting about you? What are you quick to volunteer to do? What are things that you do, that when you do them, time stands still? These are the breadcrumbs that will lead you back to your passionate self. And remember, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing or how they are doing it. This world would be an incredibly dull, uninspiring, unstimulating place if we all liked and did the same things, in the same routine way. Start a love affair with your deepest self today. It is never too late. The recommitment ceremony in your heart will be incredibly beautiful, and it will be one of the best feelings you have felt in a long time.
“It’s your story. Feel free to hit ’em with a plot twist at any moment.” – Think Smarter, Twitter
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
As Elsa watches her mother, Margaret (Faith Hill) herd cattle, she sees her as a woman – not solely a mother – for the first time: “I watched her ride and I didn’t see my mother.I saw a woman.And the woman was magnificent.” Jan 16, 2022
(from the TV Series and Yellowstone Prequel “1883”)
The other day, my friend mentioned that she attended a funeral of a man who had died. When he was alive, the man was passionate about two major hobbies in his life. My friend said that the man’s wife announced that she planned on continuing with his hobbies as an act of keeping him alive in her heart. My first thought was that this was sweet, and romantic, and loyal, and beautiful. But my second thought was, “Wow, this is what we women do so much of the time. We take on the passions and interests of our lovers and of our families and we often whittle our own passions and interests down to mere afterthoughts, to the point that we often forget what these passions were at all.”
I’ve witnessed it again and again, in myself, and in other women whom I know. We are the supporters and the nurturers, so we become “the soccer moms” or “the football moms” or “the wife of the esteemed So and So”. And our own interests and hobbies which are what make us unique in this world, often get relegated to the bottom of the list, the first things to get cancelled and crossed off when the calendar gets filled. And we are okay with this. We are the ones who do the crossing off. It makes sense to us. How could a book club or an art class be more important than supporting our loved ones at their functions and activities? We slowly diminish our own selves and we take on the role of “family cheerleader/supporter/bolster” to the point that our whole identity is wrapped up in other people’s lives and experiences. And without those “other people”, we are a little lost to ourselves. And they don’t know us as much more than an assistant to their own needs. And at the very worst, we start resenting others for this type of martyrdom, when they never asked us to do this for them in the first place. We start resenting others for what we have done to ourselves.
While watching the episode of “1883”, where the teenage daughter shockingly realizes that her own mother can ride horses and herd cattle every bit as deftly as she can, we see that the daughter is filled with awe and pride. Up until that moment, the daughter has only known her mother as “the mother”, the supporter of her father and of the family. She is in her late teenage years when she first comes to the realization that her mother is a woman in her own right, filled with talent and skill and bravery and regality, all outside of her role as the matriarch of their family.
When talking with my husband about this phenomenon that I’ve noticed and pondered, he said that he witnesses many men losing their individual identities to their careers. He has known many men who get their entire sense of self, solely from their job titles and thus, he knows men in their late seventies, with enough money stashed in the bank for five lifetimes, fearful to retire. They are so wrapped up in their jobs, that they don’t know themselves without these duties, responsibilities and titles. They don’t know themselves without the role that they play in their careers.
I’m not saying any of this is bad, per se. We have to make sacrifices and prioritize our lives in ways that make sense. We, of course, must be responsible to our responsibilities. And our life roles and our responsibilities are often things that we are passionate about. Still, aren’t we also responsible to nurture and to bring about the most innate, creative, unique version of our own selves into this world? It is our own unrepeatable, distinguishable self who initially attracted our lovers to us. Our children want to know the sides of us that exist beyond fulfilling their needs, especially as they become independent adults. Watching us fulfill our own interests, gives them permission to do the same thing, guilt-free. Our children want to fully understand their own DNA, by witnessing the fullness and uniqueness of us, from whence they came. We owe it, not just to ourselves, not just to our loved ones, but also to this world, to this one experience that we co-create together, to really explore what uniquely fills us with passion and desire and meaning and purpose. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to this world, and to its Creator, to explore and to prioritize and thus to become the fullest expression our own unique spark and mark that we make in this world, outside of any roles or titles that we take on, throughout the journey. We must be as interested in what makes us tick, as individuals, as we are dedicated to the support roles which we play in life. Otherwise we cheat ourselves and we cheat others out of how amazing and astonishing this experience of Life, that we all share together, can truly be.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
