This is Water’s Soul, an eighty foot sculpture unveiled in Jersey City, NJ back in October. She was designed by the artist, Jaume Plensa. When you look from a distance she appears to be shushing New York City.
It has been suggested that the sculpture is not just telling New York to quiet down, but more a message to all of us to remember to relax, quiet down and stop being in such a flurry of activity all of the time. I love the visual of a mothering spirit telling us to find our calm.
Here are some more wisdoms that I found as I explored shops and towns that are new to me: (Wisdoms are all around us if we are looking for them.)
It is so true, isn’t it? We all recognize style, but to describe it, is a very difficult thing to do. Style is just so innate, intrinsic and unique to each individual soul.
And my dear friend was at a Van Gogh exhibit yesterday and texted this:
It’s true! Beauty and wisdom abound. This world is a wondrous place. If we listen to Water’s Soul and we find our calm, we are more likely to notice the beauty and wisdom in everything. Have a wondrous weekend, friends! Find the beauty and the wisdom within and in the external! Soak it in.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
As I write this, our little brown dog, Trip, our Boykin spaniel, is lying at my feet, making sure that his paw is touching my foot. He does this often. He likes to have one paw on his people, whenever we are sitting on the couch, or at our desks, or at the kitchen table. He knows the nurturance and healing nature of touch and he soothes himself with that touch, whenever he gets the opportunity.
Ralphie, our Labrador retriever, is overwhelmingly enthusiastic about everything that he loves every single day. He gets absolutely jumpy and lick-y and giddy about dinner, despite the fact that dinner is the same damn thing every single night: two cups of Hills Science Diet prescription diet dog kibble, put into a maze bowl, to make it last longer. Ralphie shows that same level of enthusiasm for greeting his family, for playing fetch, and for swimming in the pool. His whole body shouts out his feelings of delight, like he can barely contain the happy energy of those feelings inside of his powerful, muscular physique.
Josie, the collie, who is the most obedient of our canine trio, sometimes stubbornly plops herself down in the yard, into her own place in the sun, and refuses to come in. She knows the healing sensation of lying in the sunshine, and she insists that we sit awhile and relax and bathe in some Vitamin D. When I bury my nose into her sunbaked fur, I understand that she is right. She is absolutely right.
Nature makes no apologies for what she needs. Nature never hides her own true nature. That’s not in her nature to do so. Nature is so wise and pure and true. Why do we try to pretend that we aren’t part of nature? Why do our minds try to put up barricades to letting our own natural selves lead the way? Nature flows so perfectly, until we do things to artificially “correct” it. The thing about nature, is that she is quietly patient and powerful. In the end, she won’t let us destroy her, and she hopes that we remember that we are part of her, instead of insisting on separating, and then sadly end up destroying ourselves.
credit: @Native3rd, Twitter
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was watching a video showing Supreme Court nominee, Ketanji Brown Jackson, being asked about how she would inspire children of our nation to reach the great heights that she has reached in her career and in her overall life. She choked up when she answered the senator’s question. Ketanji Brown Jackson made a point that sometimes it is the smallest gestures that make a huge difference in people’s lives. She relayed the story of being a black young lady from Miami, with a public school background, being at Harvard University for the first time, during her first semester freshman year. She was not used to the cold weather of Boston, nor the abundance of prep school kids who grew up with an entirely different background that she had, and she was terribly homesick. She was questioning whether she really belonged there. Jackson said that as she was walking dejectedly on the campus, an anonymous black woman came up to her, out of nowhere, looked her straight in the eye and said to her, “Persevere.” Obviously, she never forgot that moment. Ketanji Brown Jackson was relaying this very story about a stranger, as she was choked up with emotion, to a senator during the hearings to see if she will become the newest justice of The United States Supreme Court, and to be the first black woman ever to achieve this role.
Today, I don’t want to talk about favorite things like I usually do on Fridays. Physical things are great. They make life fun and interesting and creative and tactile and sensory. They evoke happy feelings when we are experiencing using and admiring the things that we love. There is nothing wrong with physical things, particularly our favorite things. But today, I pose this question. What are three of your favorite things that people have done for you that have left a lasting impression on you, and possibly even changed your life??
This morning my friend shared a text of a beautiful jar, created for her, by her daughter for her birthday. It is filled with little pieces of paper saying different things that she loves about her mother. It reminded me of my third grade teacher, who every week, would make a poster with one of us students’ individual names at the top. All week long, the other students would go up and write what was uniquely special and interesting about that particular student. At the end of the week, each student went home with their poster, filled with pride and happiness that their unique qualities were noticed and admired and appreciated. I never forgot that experience. I loved my poster and I was so happy for every “student of the week”, in anticipation of their feelings of joy and connectedness.
Sometimes it is the littlest gestures that mean the most. When my husband and I were first married, we were visiting people, and we ended up having a difficult, tumultuous, emotional time with these people. I was dejected as I got into the shower, anticipating an even more upsetting evening as we were all heading out to dinner. My husband had just showered before me, and as I reached for the soap, I saw that he had carved, “It’s okay. I love you,” into the soap. It is these small, kind gestures that make me fall in love with him again and again.
Use some time of this glorious Friday in your life, to reflect on all of the small but meaningful kindnesses bestowed on to you, and also reflect on kindnesses which you felt compelled to bestow on to others. This is love in action. What are some of your most favorite memories of kindness and inspiration and hope in your life? This will flood you with wonderful, hopeful feelings in this time, in the history of the world, which we so desperately need more of these feelings of lovingness to abound.
(And if you are so inclined, I would love if you, my readers, would share some of your stories about these kindnesses in my Comments section.)
Have a great weekend!!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning, friends. If you didn’t get a chance to read Thursday’s blog post, “The Lifeboat” or even if you did, please go back and read my wonderful, and loyal reader Kelly’s response to that post. It is beautiful, poignant and real. And (the other) Kelly is truly an excellent writer.
This is a “Gorge Season” in my family. Every family has them. We have three birthdays in a matter of a couple of weeks, and usually Easter falls right in the mix, as well. Yesterday, for my daughter’s birthday, we started with an onslaught of doughnuts, went to a very generous Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and ended up with my daughter’s favorite chocolate volcano cake and ice cream right before bedtime. My husband mentioned more than once that he had the worst night’s sleep of his life, last night. And we are just out of the starting gate on this year’s early Gorge Season. It gets harder every year, as we age, but somehow we manage to go at our spring Gorge Season with great gusto.
Before my daughter’s best friend arrived to our home to join us for dinner last night, I was thumbing through “Real Simple” magazine (the March issue). I have subscribed to this magazine for years. It’s a good one. One of my favorite features is the Modern Manners advice column by Catherine Newman. If I had to summarize almost every answer that she gives to her readers about various issues that they are in a huff about, I would say it is something like this: “Take a chill pill. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Life is too short. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”
In this issue, one person was upset with how her guests didn’t leave her borrowed RV the way she felt they “should have” done it. This is the finishing line of Catherine Newman’s answer to the reader: ” ‘Read my mind’ is an unrewarding approach to justabout everything; if there are invisible strings attached, people tend to get tangled up in them.”
Another reader noticed some expensive antique silver decanter labels were missing after a few dinner parties she held for friends. She was concerned that they may have been stolen and she asked Newman if she should bring it up with her friends. Newman reminded her of the great possibility of finding the misplaced labels (this kind of thing has happened to me before, and then my high-and-mighty, outraged, suspicious mind immediately turns to shamed, chagrined mind. Has this happened to you? Not fun.) Newman’s finishing line to her answer to this reader: “Things are just things. Assume you lost them, and let them go.”
The final reader’s question was about her father constantly giving her unsolicited advice via articles that make her feel belittled and insulted. She wanted to know how to handle asking him to stop this behavior. A few of Newman’s final lines on this one were excellent: “You could also remind him that you’re on the same page. As my own son has said to me, ‘I promise I want me to be happy andsuccessful too.’ ”
That one hit home with a little sting of “ouch”. Why do we parents have the tendency to forget that our adult children and our dearest friends and family, all likely share the same goals that we do? “I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.” And why do we all think we have the secret formula for everyone’s happiness and success??? In 2022, the self-improvement industry is projected to be worth around $13 billion dollars. If we all had the easy formula, there would be no 13 billion dollar industry to support. And further, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different. My extremely extroverted and social friend was telling me that with my soon-to-be empty nest right around the corner, I probably should start to join a lot of clubs, find some social events, and fill up my calendar with lots of stuff in order to stave off the loss of my regular routine. I know that she meant well, and that she was trying to take care of me with love, so I didn’t have the heart to say, “That sounds like pure hell to me.” Her idea of happiness and fulfillment, is my idea of hell.
What I like best about the overall theme of “Real Simple” magazine, and that includes Catherine Newman’s Modern Manners column, is that it reminds me not to overcomplicate things. It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it. The older that I get, real simple feels real good. Maybe being happy and successful comes down to just experiencing the experience. The older that I get, the more plausible this seems. It really could be as simple as that – experience the experience, and then let it all go.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:
Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .
In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:
It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.
Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.
This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):
All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.
When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.
****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Yesterday, my husband and I had a late lunch at a lovely local farm market, designed for people to sit and stay for a while. There are front porch rockers, and a playground for the children, and a stage for local talent to provide enjoyable background music. There was a breeze in the air, children were playing and pretending to drive a stationary tractor, and dogs were calmly sitting at their people’s feet. People would bike up, park their bikes in the stand and grab a water and a handful of sunflower seeds before heading off on their biking adventures again. The overall scene was so peaceful and beautiful and calming and lovely. I thought to myself that this is all that anyone ever really wants and deserves. Everyone wants their untroubled, easy place under the sun to laugh, and to smile, and to be nourished. A place to drink in all the natural beauty and to admire it and to enjoy the company of others sharing the same appreciation of the goodness and the wholesomeness of life. And that’s why it hurts so bad when we read the hard stories in the news. We are heartbroken to hear that people are being robbed of their harmonious time in the sun. It’s just so senseless. The sun, and the earth, and the waters are natural, abundant, powerful nurturers and providers. They want to be utilized for their loving energy and not pointlessly scorched, and ruined, and bled on and wasted in pain.
Yesterday, in that beautiful moment of clarity, and of beauty and of harmony, I thought of so many other incredible places on this earth that I have visited and where I have felt that same kind of relaxing, soothing energy that I was so acutely experiencing and enjoying and soaking in. And I prayed that someday this would be the only kind of place everyone in this world will ever know. The very scene felt born out of our collective, peace-loving hearts. It was wonderful. It was real. And it should be available to all, all of the time. The sun, and the earth, and the skies and the waters eagerly agree.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’m a spongy person. I have the tendency to feel and to absorb everybody else’s emotions besides just my own. (I think this is very common in us mom-types) Yesterday was a doozy for my sponginess. It seemed so many of my loved ones were having big ups and downs, and I got on that roller coaster with them. My husband was hangry (hungry and thus, angry), my son was deeply disappointed over a test grade, my daughter was over-the-moon excited about finding her college roommate, and my sister was distraught. And I gathered that whole mix of other people’s emotion into my body, and stirred it up and I let it stew. And that’s on me.
I know that I have this tendency to take on other people’s emotions. And while it seems “nice” and full of empathy, it honestly isn’t helpful for any of us. Two frenzied worked-up people equals a lot more chaos than just one upset person. Nothing is getting solved and no one is being helped. And in the end, taking on too many swirling emotions, on top of your own mix of emotions, can lead to fatigue, resentment and even sickness.
I’ve learned a lot about noticing this phenomenon with our three dogs. When one of our dogs gets worked up, before you know it, all three have “caught” the excitement and they all end up in a hyperactive tiz. The only way to calm this situation in a hurry, is to become calm and quiet and centered myself. Dogs understand and relate to and respond to this peaceful, confident energy. Our trainer told us that our sweet, gentle collie is the leader of our pack of three dogs, and it is not because she is big (Ralphie is bigger) or because she is the only female. It is because Josie has the calmest, most centered energy of the three of them.
It helps to have the self-awareness to know that I have this tendency to take other people’s feelings on. It helps me to notice when I am falling into this habit. This is when I take a deep breath in order to ground myself. Then, I can remind myself that this feeling is not actually my own feeling, and whatever strong emotions my loved ones are feeling, these feelings will pass, just like mine do, on a regular basis. It is also my job to put boundaries on any conversations or situations that I am finding to be taxing, upsetting or draining. I have the right to stop a conversation, or to keep it to texts, or to keep it to a certain time limit. When I bring a calm reassurance that my people will be able to handle whatever they are dealing with, this is what is most helpful to all of us. Getting overly involved in other people’s issues may mean that I am avoiding or not spending enough time on my own matters of business, problems and dreams. My life, my feelings, and my actions are my responsibility. Others carry that same responsibility for their feelings, their own actions, and their individual lives. By tending to my “own stuff”, I take that burden of worry from other people, and I can inspire them by example to know that they are fully capable of taking care of their “own stuff”, too.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Fast approaching, is the end of the first half of my adult life, which I mainly devoted to taking care of my family. My daughter has decided to start college in the summer term, so by the end of this June, 26 years of parenting and 12 years of supporting high school activities, sports, and guiding our four children into their own burgeoning adulthoods, is about to come to a close. All of us parents know that we will be parents for life, but the hands-on, main focus, every day sort of parenting which I have done for most of my adult life, is coming really close to coming to its own close, in a matter of a few short months. I’ve brought this up on the blog before, but it bears repeating. I am now constantly reiterating to myself a mantra that I oft repeated to our kids, throughout their childhoods. FinishStrong. Whether it was pertaining to a school year, a class, a sports season, a race, healing from an injury, an essay, an exam, etc. the directions I gave were simple: Finish Strong.
So, during these last few weeks I have been busy putting celebratory dates on the calendar. I have been busy with planning, and spouting lots of last minute advice to my daughter with hopes that I am not forgetting anything important and pertinent. I have been busy savoring the last high school tennis season (actually the last high school sports season which I will ever attend regularly). Overall, I have been busy with working on the finishing touches and flourishes of the final chapter of Volume 1, of my own Adulthood Saga.
At times, my busy mind has veered into trying to goad me into making a firm outline, in order to carefully plan Volume 2 of my Adulthood Saga. My Inner Control Freak sometimes goes into panic mode, and she makes me feel like we had better get going, in order to be well-prepared, organized and energized for Chapter One of Volume 2. My Inner Control Freak is telling me that Volume 2 is right around the corner and it has got to be great, fulfilling, amazing and ready at the start. “Focus on the Future!!’ she screams. But my wiser, calmer, most intuitive self, says, “Woah, Nelly. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just focus on the tasks at hand. All that you need to do right now is to Finish Strong. Volume 2 will take care of itself, in many, many ways, just like Volume 1 did, when you reflect back on it.”
I am proud of Volume 1 of my Adulthood. The protagonist is an interesting character. She has grown a lot. She has lived a lot of her goals and her dreams and her plans, and yet she has also been open enough to take some new directions that life’s storms and surprises have imposed upon her. She is about to put the finishing touches on the first half of her adult life. She is proud of her accomplishments, achievements, and evolvement. She has learned from many mistakes, and she realizes that she is strong, and resilient and open-minded enough to learn from the future lessons that are bound to arrive in Volume 2. Mostly, though, the protagonist, while closing out the first volume of her adult life, is in savor mode. She is savoring what she has created for herself, what she has co-created with others, and she is grateful. So very grateful. And in that spirit of thankfulness, and brimming with love and awe, she is doing what she must do. She is finishing strong.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
How can you not be in awe of Dolly Parton?! Besides her amazing creative talents, and her dedication to being purely and authentically herself, she has given millions away to pay for books for children, college educations for her employees, and for vaccine development during this heart wrenching pandemic. And yet Dolly remains humble, grateful, thoughtful and down-to-earth.
I think that this fan’s tweet, says it best:
“There is a Dolly Parton hall of fameand it’s the planet earth. Love you.”tanya tagaq@tagaq
In times of strife, the cream rises to the top. We love to focus on the villains and the bad guys, but just for today, let’s just be in awe of the people who make this world a better place. Let’s focus on the real-life superheroes who are all around us, making this world inspirational, hopeful and even more beautiful. Don’t focus on flaws. Don’t start with “yeah, but”. We’re humans. We’re all flawed. But there are certain people who have an incredible knack for doing what is in their hearts to do, and they make it happen. Make your list today of people who are alive today, who make you want to become a better version of yourself. Is it the Ukrainians? Is it Zelenskyy? Is it Dolly? Is it your neighbor? Your sister? Your mother? Your child? Your friend? Your doctor? Your teacher? Doesn’t just thinking about these people fill your heart with so much pride and hope and enthusiasm for life, and for all that this world is capable to be??? Think of moments in your own life that you stood up to the challenge, and you put out the best version of yourself, just because you felt the need and the drive and the inspiration to do so. These moments were not only your gift to yourself, but also your gift to the entire world. Don’t be stingy. Give us more of your truest, kindest, purest, heartfelt self. If we all did this on a regular basis, just imagine how fantastically beautiful this world would be. It is people like Dolly Parton who give us a hopeful glimpse.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I think that the above meme has become particularly more applicable to me as I have gotten older. It really does stress me to have more than one important thing to do on any particular day. I have the tendency to over-exaggerate the importance and the relevance on any “big, BIG, BIG” event on any one specific day. Interestingly, my twenty-something sons and I are complete polar opposites in this regard. My sons try to pack in as much other stuff that they possibly can before “The Appointment” and then to come screeching into “The Appointment” huffing and puffing, breaking speed limits, with no seconds to spare, all of the while trying to pull off an air of complete badass nonchalance. It makes for a really fun family dynamic amongst us at times. If this sensation were a perfume it would be called, “Tension in Ze Aire.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
