Tag: inspiration

Holes

“I hated what I was actually about to say, but I had to say it.

I said: “You know what, Craig? It doesn’t do what we all thought it would. It doesn’t fix anything.”

. . . . Craig stared at me; I don’t think he believed me; I still don’t think he believes me. I think you actually have to have all of your dreams come true to realize they are the wrong dreams.” _ Matthew Perry

I stayed up into the wee hours of the night reading at least half of Matthew Perry’s new memoir, which was downloaded to my Kindle last night. Despite other people underlining a lot of other statements in the book, this is what stood out to me last night. This is what I took a screenshot of to share on the blog today.

Matthew Perry is an alcoholic and an addict, and he is also an extremely talented and successful actor. The conversation above was a recollection of when Matthew was talking to his friend and fellow actor, Craig, who had actually gotten the first offer to be Chandler Bing on the TV mega-hit “Friends” and yet, had turned it down.

The book, so far (I’m about halfway through) is an interesting, and yet tragic read. This memoir seems to be Matthew’s way of trying to understand the whys/hows of his own self destruction, and yet also, to be a way to redemptively help other alcoholics and addicts, if in no other way, than to say, “I get it. I get you. This does not make sense, but I get it.”

Matthew Perry talks a lot about the needs to fill “holes.” We all have them. We’re all kind of spongy. Some of us have bigger, more gaping holes than others, but the truth is, we humans are not totally “solids”. Quantum physics tells us that we humans are just mass energy stored in the form of mass particles. We all have “holes” and lots of them. And it is human nature to try to fill those holes (especially the emotional holes) – mostly with externals.

Matthew was convinced that getting the part, getting the money, getting the amazing house with the view, getting the girl, getting the FAME (that’s what he thought he wanted the most) was going to fill those holes in him – those deep dark holes of loneliness, despair, worthlessness, emptiness, etc. And spoiler alert, none of those things made for a good, solid filler. These “dreams come true” went through Matthew’s holes like quick sand, into the ether, and Matthew Perry still felt lost and full of holes, which he instead filled and patched with a never-ending supply of drugs and alcohol.

It’s a hard lesson to learn that we must fill our holes from the well-spring that is inside of us. We’ve all been there – we’re convinced that if we just get that certain job, or that kind of fulfilling relationship, or lose just the right amount of weight, or find just the right homestead, the holes will stay forever filled. And what we learn is, these are all temporary fills, and much more temporary then we would like them to be.

I remember doing a major renovation on our home which we owned in North Carolina. We designed the renovation ourselves. It took almost a year to complete (while we were living in it, with four little kids, no less). The renovation took blood, sweat, tears, fears, excitement, and so much time, money, and energy. We gave this renovation everything we had, and it turned out beautifully. We got many, many admiring compliments. Still, not long after it was completed, I remember sitting on my front porch, feeling quizzically empty. I remember thinking that this frenetic process which had taken almost all of my mental and physical resources was now technically over, (although, let’s be honest, are house projects ever over?), and I remember thinking, “This is it? This is all?” I am not sure what I was expecting from the project. It definitely took on a life of its own, but the “finishing” of it, didn’t fill any holes. Before long, we were on to other life projects and adventures and experiences, because this is just the way of life. We will never be truly be “finished” with anything.

As I have gotten older, I have gotten better at noticing my holes, and better at noticing when I am trying to fill my own holes with “stuff ” like – shopping sprees, attention grabs, stirring up arguments, food, drink, good deeds, more “followers” to my social media, distractive shows/movies/games, adopting pets, adulation and compliments and appreciation and approval, trying to control everyone and everything, being “right” etc. etc. You can’t fix anything you don’t notice. I then notice that these external things don’t ever work for long term gratification. They never do. It’s at these moments that I know it is time for me to look inward. And that’s painful and scary because it’s like venturing into the vulnerable, gaping, dark holes, themselves. But when I notice my cavernous holes, and I decide to quietly and non-judgmentally explore them, instead of hopelessly trying to fill them, it’s amazing the serenity and the guidance and the peace that I feel. I am a believer that “Universe/God/Source” – whatever you want to call that spark which gives everything Life, is inside of all of us. It never leaves us. The light and the love is never turned off. It’s just that this glint of God is so quiet, and so unassuming, and so open to us exploring our lives with our own free wills, that it is easy to ignore and to forget that it is there for us, always. Always. Some people find their way inside of their holes to the light, and to their peace, with prayer. Some find it with meditation. Some find it with singing or being in nature. Some people find the light of peace and serenity getting lost in their favorite passion projects where time seems to stand still. The light is there. It can be found, but it takes getting really brave about noticing and then facing and owning “the holes” and the fruitless things which we do to fill our holes.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Alchemization

“If you listen closely, when people give advice they’re actually talking to younger versions of themselves.” – Dr. Nicole LaPerla

One of my horoscopes today talked about using this month to turn “wounds into wisdom.” I think that this is what aging is all about. I believe that life is a constant cycle and process of turning wounds into wisdom. Sometimes we don’t reflect enough, or we aren’t honest enough with ourselves to do true introspection, and thus we just keep tearing apart at our wounds, making them bleed more and not allowing for the healing process. But we eventually, usually get it. And when we do “get it”, we are sad that our younger selves didn’t quite “get it” in what we deem to be a timely manner, so we at least try to save others, by spouting off advice.

It can be off-putting to get advice, especially unsolicited advice. Bernard Williams calls unsolicited advice, “the junk mail of life.”

“Wise people advice from experience. Wiser people, from experience, do not advice.” – Amit Kalantri

That’s the thing, we get most of our deepest wisdoms from our experiences. And so we desperately try to save others from having similar tough experiences that we’ve had, yet it is those very experiences which gave us our own deepest, best wisdom. What a Catch-22!

I’m guilty of spouting off too much advice, and I do it all of the time. I do it to my kids, my husband, my friends, my pets (“Trip don’t provoke Ralphie, you know where this leads . . . .), strangers I meet on the street. Hell, I do it here on the blog all of the time. Please forgive me. It doesn’t come from my wisest self. My advice comes from my desire to “save (“control”) the world.” (or if I am honest, like Nicole LaPerla says, my advice is my desire to prove to my younger self that I’ve learned and I’ve grown. Perhaps trying to save others from my own mistakes, is a gift that I am trying to give to my own younger self for putting her through a lot of tough experiences, that often took a long, long while to alchemize into wisdom.)

Mantra for the day: Self, I forgive you. Self, I appreciate you. Self, your experiences were worth the gold of your wisdom. Self, let go and trust this process of turning experience into wisdom, for your own self going forward, and for all whom you love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Long Marriage

Happy 28th wedding anniversary to my best friend, my lover, my favorite person in the world. I treasure everything which we have created together – most specifically our family and the memories of incredible adventures, throughout our years together.

I know that happy, long marriages are rare and I am grateful to be in one of those long, happy marriages. I met my husband when I was 18 years old, the first weekend of my freshman year in college. For the most part, we have been together ever since. (We had a few youthful dramatic break-ups, during the college years – we are both hot-headed fire signs.)

If a young person would ask me what it takes to create a long, happy marriage, I would say that it takes two people who are fully committed to making that creation of “long and happy” happen. I would tell the young person that it takes two people who are willing to put long, happy, solid marriage, above every other individual goal in their lives. I would tell a young person who is thinking about getting married that you must come to an acceptance of who your partner is, and love them wholly. Do not try to change your partner. Focus on the parts that you love and admire about your partner, and notice how you complement each other. In my marriage, my husband’s strengths cover for my weaknesses, and vice versa. I would tell the young person thinking about marriage, to be with someone who can weather through the tough times because long marriages go through their fair share of storms. That’s just the way of life. When picking a life partner, always go with solid, not glittery. Solid withstands storms, whereas glitter flies away in the wind. Most importantly, I have always been eternally grateful for my husband’s steadfast, lifelong commitment to me and to our family. He gave me his life to share with me. This is the greatest gift anyone has ever given to me. I will never, ever take this gift for granted. My husband is “my person.” And I am “his person.” If our children end up in marriages like ours, I will sleep peacefully forevermore.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Love Is Love

I grew up in the northeast/midwest, but I have spent most of my adult life living in the south. Northeasterners often have the unfortunate reputation for being rude/abrupt/curt, etc., but this is not how I am experiencing the gracious people of New York City and New Jersey during my stay here. I am an observer and contemplator of life and what I have keenly noticed is a different kind of service style than we are used to in the friendly, hospitable south. Up here, it is clear that the servers and the clerks and the people who work in hospitality are not here to “make friends.” They are not about chit-chatting and God forbid, you appear to make anything close to a “demand.” That won’t fly. What I have noticed is that, in general, the Northern service workers are efficient, dedicated to excellence, and to getting the job done fast and well. And I can appreciate this experience. Like all things, “hospitality” can come in many forms, but no matter where you are experiencing any kind of service, the underlying theme is usually there – “I want you to have a good experience, and I am doing my best to give you that good experience.” And that sentence that I just wrote translates down to one word – love. As Kahlil Gibran famously wrote, “Work is love made visible.” Different styles of work is still love, and love is just one thing – love is love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Reminiscence

I was twenty-five when I had my first child. He went everywhere with his two young parents – weddings galore, hiking adventures when he was just a couple months old in a colorful baby carrier, and a trip to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico where his favorite part was the bumpy ride on the public bus. Yesterday, when we were reminiscing with him about these times, before his three younger siblings were born, it occurred to me how somewhat reckless and fearless (and maybe even clueless) we were, and yet thankfully, it all turned out just great. Our eldest son is as independent and adventurous and “alive” as they come, and we still have a blast adventuring with him. Sometimes I wish that fearlessness and that bravado of my youth would come back to me. I long for that inner assurance to trust life, and to go at it with pure gusto. I desire to easily let go of so much caution, and to allow that caution to be thrown to the wind. Interestingly, I do feel my courage circling back again, now that I am into the first few months of my empty nest. However, it’s not blind anymore. This courage is not a cocky courage. This courage is full of knowledge, experience, and wisdom about the frailty and the preciousness of life, and all things in this life. And thus, it is a clearer courage. My middle-aged courage is clear and conscience about risks, and also clear and conscience about what you miss out on, when you don’t take risks.

I am headed out on an adventure with my curly, ginger haired 26 year-old baby boy today. He towers over me. My son teaches me a lot about the things that are popular with his young generation. Yesterday, he ordered a rare Korean thistle for dinner. (and I tried it and it tastes like chicken – kidding, it tasted like spinach) When we go on our adventures for today, we will both be brave and excited. He will have that fresh, free, unscarred curious courage of youth, and my braveness will come from my wisest most weathered place in my heart, which fully understands the risks of almost everything, and knows that it is important to take some of these risks in order to experience the uncontrollable exuberance of a fully lived life. The circles of life constantly circle back, in slightly different form, but always with the same simple lessons: to live fully, to love unabashedly, and to trust the experiences you have in life, and all that these experiences have to offer you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

We are visiting our eldest son this week, and already, we are having so much fun. It’s so much amusement just relaxing and laughing and experiencing new things with our delightful son. He announced yesterday that we should go to a local spa filled with hot springs today. My husband and I were excited about that idea, but we also realized that neither of us had packed a bathing suit. (We live in Florida and we headed up north, in October.) Still we didn’t want to give up on the idea. So, last night, we decided to go shopping for bathing suits, up north, in October. Let’s just say there were very slim pickings. Much to the horror of all of us, I almost ended up with a mismatched teeny bikini on clearance for $8. I started getting very creative in my mind about what could constitute a bathing suit, but then I saw what seemed to be a helpful, busy sales clerk in one store. I told her my desperate situation and out of the depths of a filled rack that held everything but bathing suits (mostly it held fur-lined jackets and sweaters), she pulled out a tasteful, one piece, black bathing suit that was just my size. When I exclaimed, “Miracles exist!”, my husband and son said that this was a tad dramatic, but I could see that we were all sighing a big sigh of relief. My husband fared better. I actually like the swim trunks he found. So today, we go to a hot springs spa!

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Since we have a lot of adventures planned today and this week, I may have to cut the blog short. Life calls. I don’t have time to write my own poem. But I will share “The Rainbow” by William Wordsworth. I enjoy “playing” with my children, even when we are all adults. It is so important to remain a child at heart. This is considered to be Wordsworth’s greatest short poem.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

No Baloney, Benoni

I was reading an article about black/white thinking and about how many times we humans have the tendency to see things as all good or all bad. We have a tendency as humans to use words like “always, never, all, none, every.” We sometimes like being drama queens, and that makes us prone to vacillate between extremes in so many things. What was great today, was awful yesterday. We have trouble with the grey areas and the nuances, despite the fact that it is in the nuances, where the majority of everything lies. It’s called “splitting”, when we stick with our “Good versus Evil” narrative, and many of us do this common process of “splitting”, at least from time to time, or in particular circumstances. In the Comments section of the article which I read, a rabbi stated that “splitting” was rarely an issue for her, because in her words, ” . . . in the Jewish tradition, there is the concept of the Benoni, the person who is neither sinner nor saint, but muddling through.” This comment perked my interest and curiosity, and so I read and researched more about Benonis. In Judaism, the thought is, that most of us, in this life, are Benonis. In the words of one rabbi, a Benoni is like an every day, medium-sized coffee – nothing particularly special, but nothing particularly noxious either.

Chabad.org describes three types of people on this Earth:

‘ “Traditionally, three terms were used to describe a person’s status:

1. Tzaddik—“the righteous person.”

2. Benoni—“the intermediate.”

3. Rasha—“the wicked person.” ‘

Most of us like to think that we are Tzaddiks, but apparently most rabbis won’t even cop to being Tzaddiks. That’s a lofty status which is reserved for the very, very few (perhaps maybe even the non-existent on this plane) who make no mistakes – ever, never. Thankfully, most of us aren’t Rashas either. That would make for a terrible, horrifying world. The thing is, the vast majority of us are Benonis – not all good, not all bad, just doing our best to muddle through. The idea is to know and to understand and to grasp that you are Benoni, and therefore, having this knowledge helps you to be motivated to do your best, and to add some good credits and deeds that put you closer to the Tzaddik side of things, versus the Rasha side of things. Tone down the bitterness of your own brew of coffee, Benoni. That’s your job.

When you understand and accept that you are a Benoni, it helps you to have empathy for all of the other Benonis around you (basically everyone). We all have our strong suits and we all have our weaknesses. A majority of us are trying to do our best, for the most part, when we can. Yes, you must protect yourself from the misbehaving Benonis who are headed towards the Rasha side of town, but you must also understand and accept your own foibles that have lead you down your own scary paths. When you accept your own mistakes, it helps you to empathize with all of us Benonis, who are just muddling through. Absolutes mostly do not exist. Wise Benonis understand this fact.

There is good and bad and different perspectives in and about almost everything in life – people, places, concepts, institutions and things. This is just the way of life. In a nutshell: just be, Benoni, just be. Do your best, and assume that others are doing their best. In the end, it will all work out just fine. Be the best damn cup of coffee you are able to be, and let the pieces fall as they may. Just be, Benoni. Just be.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thursday’s Thoughts

+ We wonder why there are so many crazies/narcissists/self-interested/self-impressed weirdos in leadership positions in our politics and other institutions in our society and the reason is, who else could possibly want to take on these awful positions? What sane, reasonable, equitable, logical, self aware person would want to be a politician? So until we heal the systems and the institutions themselves, we will be continued to be lead by crazies/narcissists/self-interested/self-impressed weirdos. And things will only get worse and worse. One particular person isn’t the answer. One particular party isn’t the cure. We need to heal the systems and the structures in our society. We need to get back to the bare bones of what is truly important to the majority of people: Our families and loved ones, our health, our safety, our communities, our resources, our opportunities, and our freedoms, and we need to work together to clean the rest of the noise/drama/junk/control issues out of the structures of our institutions. The best that we can do, in the meantime, is to become the best sane, reasonable, equitable, logical, self aware versions of ourselves, and focus on what is truly important to us (with the awareness that the others around us also deserve these basic priorities in their own lives): Family, freedom, health, safety, community, resources, opportunities. A huge mass of people living healthy lives of universal values (all stemming from love and kindness) will eventually drown out the noise of power hungry individuals, and then true leaders will emerge to help us all leave the mess and wreckage behind us in the history books, as reminders of where never to go/never to do again. One day, we will finally learn.

+I’m currently reading Paul Newman’s new biography that just came out. Revelations (from as far as I have gotten so far): Paul Newman was half-Jewish and suffered anti-Semitism, his family of origin owned a high-end sporting goods store that survived the Depression, and he served in the Navy during World War II. Paul Newman died at the age of 83. I think that my biggest takeaway of the book so far, is more of a general takeaway. Paul Newman lived for over eight decades. Reading about his different adventures during major happenings in world history, is a huge reminder to me, of just how vast our individual life experience really is, especially for those of us who are fortunate enough to live long lives. When I read about others’ adventures and stories of their own lives, it inspires me to take more chances, to really revel in my experiences, and to reflect on how these experiences shape me. Reading others’ biographies, is a reminder to keep my own biography interesting, and compelling, and to cherish “the stories” as they are happening.

+I was at the grocery the other day, staring at package of ready-made caramel apples. I had already tried them and they weren’t that good, but I was pondering on giving them a second chance, with the hopes that perhaps I had just bought a bad batch. A women sauntered up to me, by the apples and said, “Honey, get a tub of Marzetti’s caramel dip, and a bag of Heath toffee chips and mix it together. Your kids will eat a dozen apples in a day, with that stuff on top.” Kids?? Ha! Did she mean the kids who are all adults and do not currently live with me? I did not admit that fact to her. I kept that fact to myself. Instead, I just nodded emphatically and racewalked to the baking aisle for the Heath chips. I can attest that I have probably eaten about two dozen, nice sized apples (which I have never been a huge fan of), and the “dip and chips” is almost all gone. Go to your grocery store now for just three ingredients: Apples, Marzetti’s caramel dip, Heath toffee chips. You won’t regret it. Happy Fall. You’re welcome.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

F.E.A.R.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

This quote is a good one to remember during Halloween’s “scary season.” I always tell my kids to always ask for what they want, go after what they want, look for every possibility to get what they want, because what is the worst place that anyone will end up in, if you don’t get what you want? You’ll be in the same place and position, where you are sitting at right now. You really have nothing to lose. Face everything and rise.

A Dear Abby column written decades ago has always stuck with me. A writer asked Abby about his situation where he was in his thirties and he realized that he wanted to switch careers. He realized that he wanted to become a doctor, but looking at everything that this would entail, it would probably take ten years, and he probably wouldn’t even start practicing medicine until he was 45. She asked him a simple question, “How old will you be in ten years if you don’t go to medical school?” This point was made real for me when I belonged to a book club many years ago. The woman who started the book club said that her father was a doctor when they were small children, and then one day, he sat his family down, and he said that their lifestyle might change for a bit, because he had decided to follow his biggest dream to become an airline pilot. Her father retired as a very content and happy airline pilot, who also had a medical degree.

Face your fears. Face your dreams. Face your callings. Don’t run. Rise. The choice is ripe for the taking. The choice is yours.

Dumping Grounds

I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.

The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.

This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”

We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.

We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?

On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.