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Favorite Gestures Friday

I was watching a video showing Supreme Court nominee, Ketanji Brown Jackson, being asked about how she would inspire children of our nation to reach the great heights that she has reached in her career and in her overall life. She choked up when she answered the senator’s question. Ketanji Brown Jackson made a point that sometimes it is the smallest gestures that make a huge difference in people’s lives. She relayed the story of being a black young lady from Miami, with a public school background, being at Harvard University for the first time, during her first semester freshman year. She was not used to the cold weather of Boston, nor the abundance of prep school kids who grew up with an entirely different background that she had, and she was terribly homesick. She was questioning whether she really belonged there. Jackson said that as she was walking dejectedly on the campus, an anonymous black woman came up to her, out of nowhere, looked her straight in the eye and said to her, “Persevere.” Obviously, she never forgot that moment. Ketanji Brown Jackson was relaying this very story about a stranger, as she was choked up with emotion, to a senator during the hearings to see if she will become the newest justice of The United States Supreme Court, and to be the first black woman ever to achieve this role.

Today, I don’t want to talk about favorite things like I usually do on Fridays. Physical things are great. They make life fun and interesting and creative and tactile and sensory. They evoke happy feelings when we are experiencing using and admiring the things that we love. There is nothing wrong with physical things, particularly our favorite things. But today, I pose this question. What are three of your favorite things that people have done for you that have left a lasting impression on you, and possibly even changed your life??

This morning my friend shared a text of a beautiful jar, created for her, by her daughter for her birthday. It is filled with little pieces of paper saying different things that she loves about her mother. It reminded me of my third grade teacher, who every week, would make a poster with one of us students’ individual names at the top. All week long, the other students would go up and write what was uniquely special and interesting about that particular student. At the end of the week, each student went home with their poster, filled with pride and happiness that their unique qualities were noticed and admired and appreciated. I never forgot that experience. I loved my poster and I was so happy for every “student of the week”, in anticipation of their feelings of joy and connectedness.

Sometimes it is the littlest gestures that mean the most. When my husband and I were first married, we were visiting people, and we ended up having a difficult, tumultuous, emotional time with these people. I was dejected as I got into the shower, anticipating an even more upsetting evening as we were all heading out to dinner. My husband had just showered before me, and as I reached for the soap, I saw that he had carved, “It’s okay. I love you,” into the soap. It is these small, kind gestures that make me fall in love with him again and again.

Use some time of this glorious Friday in your life, to reflect on all of the small but meaningful kindnesses bestowed on to you, and also reflect on kindnesses which you felt compelled to bestow on to others. This is love in action. What are some of your most favorite memories of kindness and inspiration and hope in your life? This will flood you with wonderful, hopeful feelings in this time, in the history of the world, which we so desperately need more of these feelings of lovingness to abound.

(And if you are so inclined, I would love if you, my readers, would share some of your stories about these kindnesses in my Comments section.)

Have a great weekend!!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Real Simple

Good morning, friends. If you didn’t get a chance to read Thursday’s blog post, “The Lifeboat” or even if you did, please go back and read my wonderful, and loyal reader Kelly’s response to that post. It is beautiful, poignant and real. And (the other) Kelly is truly an excellent writer.

This is a “Gorge Season” in my family. Every family has them. We have three birthdays in a matter of a couple of weeks, and usually Easter falls right in the mix, as well. Yesterday, for my daughter’s birthday, we started with an onslaught of doughnuts, went to a very generous Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and ended up with my daughter’s favorite chocolate volcano cake and ice cream right before bedtime. My husband mentioned more than once that he had the worst night’s sleep of his life, last night. And we are just out of the starting gate on this year’s early Gorge Season. It gets harder every year, as we age, but somehow we manage to go at our spring Gorge Season with great gusto.

Before my daughter’s best friend arrived to our home to join us for dinner last night, I was thumbing through “Real Simple” magazine (the March issue). I have subscribed to this magazine for years. It’s a good one. One of my favorite features is the Modern Manners advice column by Catherine Newman. If I had to summarize almost every answer that she gives to her readers about various issues that they are in a huff about, I would say it is something like this: “Take a chill pill. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Life is too short. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

In this issue, one person was upset with how her guests didn’t leave her borrowed RV the way she felt they “should have” done it. This is the finishing line of Catherine Newman’s answer to the reader: ” ‘Read my mind’ is an unrewarding approach to just about everything; if there are invisible strings attached, people tend to get tangled up in them.”

Another reader noticed some expensive antique silver decanter labels were missing after a few dinner parties she held for friends. She was concerned that they may have been stolen and she asked Newman if she should bring it up with her friends. Newman reminded her of the great possibility of finding the misplaced labels (this kind of thing has happened to me before, and then my high-and-mighty, outraged, suspicious mind immediately turns to shamed, chagrined mind. Has this happened to you? Not fun.) Newman’s finishing line to her answer to this reader: “Things are just things. Assume you lost them, and let them go.”

The final reader’s question was about her father constantly giving her unsolicited advice via articles that make her feel belittled and insulted. She wanted to know how to handle asking him to stop this behavior. A few of Newman’s final lines on this one were excellent: “You could also remind him that you’re on the same page. As my own son has said to me, ‘I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.’ ”

That one hit home with a little sting of “ouch”. Why do we parents have the tendency to forget that our adult children and our dearest friends and family, all likely share the same goals that we do? “I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.” And why do we all think we have the secret formula for everyone’s happiness and success??? In 2022, the self-improvement industry is projected to be worth around $13 billion dollars. If we all had the easy formula, there would be no 13 billion dollar industry to support. And further, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different. My extremely extroverted and social friend was telling me that with my soon-to-be empty nest right around the corner, I probably should start to join a lot of clubs, find some social events, and fill up my calendar with lots of stuff in order to stave off the loss of my regular routine. I know that she meant well, and that she was trying to take care of me with love, so I didn’t have the heart to say, “That sounds like pure hell to me.” Her idea of happiness and fulfillment, is my idea of hell.

What I like best about the overall theme of “Real Simple” magazine, and that includes Catherine Newman’s Modern Manners column, is that it reminds me not to overcomplicate things. It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it. The older that I get, real simple feels real good. Maybe being happy and successful comes down to just experiencing the experience. The older that I get, the more plausible this seems. It really could be as simple as that – experience the experience, and then let it all go.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The End of the Race

My amazing daughter turns eighteen today. This is a huge milestone for her, and it’s a big milestone for her father and I, as well. Today, all four of our children are legally adults. We have raised our big brood to adulthood.

Every single friend of mine, who is also a mother, has claimed not to fear death for herself, but more so, she fears the idea of not being there to raise her children. I have always shared that same sentiment. When we wrote our will, we had certain guardians in mind and we always knew that our kids would be there for each other, but selfishly, I wanted to raise my children. I wanted to be their biggest female influence, and I wanted their father to be their main male role model. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

So today, I thank God, with everything that I have, that I was able to complete this sometimes overwhelming task of bringing up four babies to their burgeoning adulthoods, along with the man whom I love. I thank God for this incredible experience of co-creating the entity which I most cherish in this world, our family. I certainly hope to have many more years to share in the expansion of our family as my adult children carry on their own journeys outward, into their own growing adventures, but today I am savoring the close of the childhood years. Today, before I get revved up for the new race soon to start (my empty nest phase), I am crossing the finish line, in glory. I am savoring the successful end of an incredible adventure – a race/adventure/run that I didn’t always feel prepared for, didn’t always run the strides I would have liked to, had a few stumbles along the way, but I always knew that the wind was at our back, giving us the stamina to keep on going. There were higher forces always helping us along the way. This I knew, and so I was always able to keep my breath and I was able to keep a steady pace forward, full on with my pack. Deep love has an energy that keeps you going, like no other force in this world can do. Today I am reveling in that love for a beautiful young woman whom I have always called the perfect exclamation point to our family. Today, I am savoring the overwhelming mix of feelings (pride/relief/happiness/wonder/excitement/melancholy/nostalgia/satisfaction) of finishing the longest, most fulfilling race of my life. Today I am grateful for finishing strong.

TOP 25 FINISH LINE QUOTES (of 129) | A-Z Quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Lifeboat

270 Abet ideas | inspirational quotes, me quotes, words

Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:

Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .

In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:

It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.

Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.

This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-an-addict-21927#toc-experiencing-consequences

All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.

When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.

****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

Image

credit: @CynicalMother, Twitter

That’ll wake your brain up on a Monday.

Yesterday, my husband and I had a late lunch at a lovely local farm market, designed for people to sit and stay for a while. There are front porch rockers, and a playground for the children, and a stage for local talent to provide enjoyable background music. There was a breeze in the air, children were playing and pretending to drive a stationary tractor, and dogs were calmly sitting at their people’s feet. People would bike up, park their bikes in the stand and grab a water and a handful of sunflower seeds before heading off on their biking adventures again. The overall scene was so peaceful and beautiful and calming and lovely. I thought to myself that this is all that anyone ever really wants and deserves. Everyone wants their untroubled, easy place under the sun to laugh, and to smile, and to be nourished. A place to drink in all the natural beauty and to admire it and to enjoy the company of others sharing the same appreciation of the goodness and the wholesomeness of life. And that’s why it hurts so bad when we read the hard stories in the news. We are heartbroken to hear that people are being robbed of their harmonious time in the sun. It’s just so senseless. The sun, and the earth, and the waters are natural, abundant, powerful nurturers and providers. They want to be utilized for their loving energy and not pointlessly scorched, and ruined, and bled on and wasted in pain.

Yesterday, in that beautiful moment of clarity, and of beauty and of harmony, I thought of so many other incredible places on this earth that I have visited and where I have felt that same kind of relaxing, soothing energy that I was so acutely experiencing and enjoying and soaking in. And I prayed that someday this would be the only kind of place everyone in this world will ever know. The very scene felt born out of our collective, peace-loving hearts. It was wonderful. It was real. And it should be available to all, all of the time. The sun, and the earth, and the skies and the waters eagerly agree.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The other day, a few members of my family and I were crowded around my phone, looking for a particular photo from a particular trip. As we were scrolling through my pictures, it became evident to all of us that almost half of my photo roll contained screenshots of words, and quotes, and excerpts from books and short poems. We all laughed. It was one of those moments that you get a true screenshot of your own self, and what truly moves you and captures your attention. Today, use this day to discover yourself. Scroll through your picture roll. Be a sleuth. Look at the clues. Open the doors. Look at the patterns. Feel what feels right. Feel what feels wrong, and change it. Fall in love with yourself. Make a point to see what those who know the real you, and who love the real you, love about you, and then, decide to heartily agree with them.

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Here is my poem for the day:

“I wonder”

I wonder what this day would look like,

if half of it wasn’t crying in lament about the past,

All of the old stories and questions rehashed and rehashed.

I wonder what this day would look like,

if half of it wasn’t spent in worry about the times ahead,

filled with concern, and a queasy stomach consumed with dread.

I wonder what this day would look like,

If I just take it as it comes,

Deeply feeling every moment’s hums,

Moment by moment. Here. Gone. Here. Gone.

I wonder.

Say It Directly

Two of my daughter’s good friends are involved with a charity tennis event this weekend. My daughter never wanted to be involved with this particular affair. My daughter, not wanting to be involved, had nothing to do with the actual event, or the people, or the cause. My daughter loves to play tennis, loves her friends with all of her heart, and she thinks that the cause is a good one. It’s just that she has been over her skis with so many activities. She just had four, deeply impacted wisdom teeth removed. She has wanted, all along, to use this particular spring break for rest, healing and spontaneity. But, her fear of disappointing her friends was eating at her. My daughter inadvertently lead them on. She kept them wondering. She knew she didn’t want to be involved, but she didn’t have the heart to say it. And in the end, her biggest fears came true, anyway. Her friends were angry and hurt and confused. And so when my daughter was headed to her dear friend’s house yesterday, with a donation to the cause he was playing in the tennis match for, in hand, and with an apology ready to burst from her heart, she said to me, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.”

And my heart swelled with pride, looking lovingly and understandingly at my daughter who is just a few days from turning eighteen. I said to her something along these lines, “Baby, if you learn the direct communication lesson this young, you will be lightyears ahead of the rest. I wish that I had learned to “use my words, kindly but directly”, starting into my early adult years. It would have saved me, and many others a lot of confusion and heartache. It’s hard to see it, sometimes, because we are so afraid of hurting people’s feelings, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest, purest form of communication that leads to healthy, trusting relationships. Using direct communication makes you a person of integrity.”

When she came home she told me that she told her friend the same thing, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.” And of course, he forgave her.

12 Direct Communication ideas | quotations, me quotes, wise words
A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each othe… | Learning quotes, Thoughts quotes, Positive quotes motivation

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I’ll Be Back! – Friday

https://twitter.com/i/status/1504426844199669762

I’m sorry to be delayed on my Favorite Things Friday post, but I just spent ten minutes watching Arnold’s thoughtful video. This video is one of my favorite things that I watched this week (besides last night’s big upset by the St. Peter’s men’s basketball team, the Peacocks, beating Kentucky – even if you aren’t a big sports fan, March Madness is a blast!). Go Peacocks!!! I hope that you had fun celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, too. I just recently found out from my DNA test that I am at least 12% Irish and that makes me proud!

Here are my other two favorites for this Friday. (Please check out previous Friday posts for more favorites and please share some of your own favorites in my Comments section):

GUND Baby Sleepy Eyes Owl Bedtime Soother Plush Owl Stuffed Animal Night Light & Sound Machine – I saw this precious owl in a local gift shop for kids recently and I fell completely in love. First, I adore owls, but second, this soother is the most comforting, mesmerizing “toy” that I have ever witnessed. I wish that I was going to a baby shower, because every baby deserves one of these darling owls. It is like the most comforting meditation you have ever experienced in soft plush form. My favorite part of the owl is that its eyes slowly close like it is going to sleep. There is a reason why 34,000 people on Amazon gave it a perfect five star rating.

10.5oz Eucalyptus and Patchouli Ceramic Face Candle Green – Opalhouse™ designed with Jungalow™ – I purchased this candle (exclusive to Target) the other day, and I adore it! The container of the candle is a woman’s face, but she also has ears, adorned with adorable beaded dangle earrings! Even when the wonderful smelling candle burns away, I will be left with a wonderful planter for a small plant. This is the kind of small, fun item, that brings me happiness every time I look at it.

Final Friday Bonus – I keep my entire blog, from the day I started to write it, online. It is always interesting to me when a post from years past pops up as having been read or is trending. This blog post (one of the first I have ever written) trends a lot, almost every day. This tells me that a lot us love our throw pillows!:

Along Came Throw Pillows

This second post popped out of nowhere yesterday, but I read it again and it really does have a helpful message, if I do say so myself. So if you are wanting to do some more reading, check it out:

Repeat Broken Toe

Have a wonderful weekend, friends!!! We have a lot going on in this world, but as the Italian proverb goes, Hope is the Last Thing Ever Lost. Don’t ever lose your hope! See you tomorrow!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Lighten the Load

I’m a spongy person. I have the tendency to feel and to absorb everybody else’s emotions besides just my own. (I think this is very common in us mom-types) Yesterday was a doozy for my sponginess. It seemed so many of my loved ones were having big ups and downs, and I got on that roller coaster with them. My husband was hangry (hungry and thus, angry), my son was deeply disappointed over a test grade, my daughter was over-the-moon excited about finding her college roommate, and my sister was distraught. And I gathered that whole mix of other people’s emotion into my body, and stirred it up and I let it stew. And that’s on me.

I know that I have this tendency to take on other people’s emotions. And while it seems “nice” and full of empathy, it honestly isn’t helpful for any of us. Two frenzied worked-up people equals a lot more chaos than just one upset person. Nothing is getting solved and no one is being helped. And in the end, taking on too many swirling emotions, on top of your own mix of emotions, can lead to fatigue, resentment and even sickness.

I’ve learned a lot about noticing this phenomenon with our three dogs. When one of our dogs gets worked up, before you know it, all three have “caught” the excitement and they all end up in a hyperactive tiz. The only way to calm this situation in a hurry, is to become calm and quiet and centered myself. Dogs understand and relate to and respond to this peaceful, confident energy. Our trainer told us that our sweet, gentle collie is the leader of our pack of three dogs, and it is not because she is big (Ralphie is bigger) or because she is the only female. It is because Josie has the calmest, most centered energy of the three of them.

It helps to have the self-awareness to know that I have this tendency to take other people’s feelings on. It helps me to notice when I am falling into this habit. This is when I take a deep breath in order to ground myself. Then, I can remind myself that this feeling is not actually my own feeling, and whatever strong emotions my loved ones are feeling, these feelings will pass, just like mine do, on a regular basis. It is also my job to put boundaries on any conversations or situations that I am finding to be taxing, upsetting or draining. I have the right to stop a conversation, or to keep it to texts, or to keep it to a certain time limit. When I bring a calm reassurance that my people will be able to handle whatever they are dealing with, this is what is most helpful to all of us. Getting overly involved in other people’s issues may mean that I am avoiding or not spending enough time on my own matters of business, problems and dreams. My life, my feelings, and my actions are my responsibility. Others carry that same responsibility for their feelings, their own actions, and their individual lives. By tending to my “own stuff”, I take that burden of worry from other people, and I can inspire them by example to know that they are fully capable of taking care of their “own stuff”, too.

Quotes Of The Day - 12 Pics | Life quotes, 25th quotes, Quotable quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Finish Strong

Fast approaching, is the end of the first half of my adult life, which I mainly devoted to taking care of my family. My daughter has decided to start college in the summer term, so by the end of this June, 26 years of parenting and 12 years of supporting high school activities, sports, and guiding our four children into their own burgeoning adulthoods, is about to come to a close. All of us parents know that we will be parents for life, but the hands-on, main focus, every day sort of parenting which I have done for most of my adult life, is coming really close to coming to its own close, in a matter of a few short months. I’ve brought this up on the blog before, but it bears repeating. I am now constantly reiterating to myself a mantra that I oft repeated to our kids, throughout their childhoods. Finish Strong. Whether it was pertaining to a school year, a class, a sports season, a race, healing from an injury, an essay, an exam, etc. the directions I gave were simple: Finish Strong.

So, during these last few weeks I have been busy putting celebratory dates on the calendar. I have been busy with planning, and spouting lots of last minute advice to my daughter with hopes that I am not forgetting anything important and pertinent. I have been busy savoring the last high school tennis season (actually the last high school sports season which I will ever attend regularly). Overall, I have been busy with working on the finishing touches and flourishes of the final chapter of Volume 1, of my own Adulthood Saga.

At times, my busy mind has veered into trying to goad me into making a firm outline, in order to carefully plan Volume 2 of my Adulthood Saga. My Inner Control Freak sometimes goes into panic mode, and she makes me feel like we had better get going, in order to be well-prepared, organized and energized for Chapter One of Volume 2. My Inner Control Freak is telling me that Volume 2 is right around the corner and it has got to be great, fulfilling, amazing and ready at the start. “Focus on the Future!!’ she screams. But my wiser, calmer, most intuitive self, says, “Woah, Nelly. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just focus on the tasks at hand. All that you need to do right now is to Finish Strong. Volume 2 will take care of itself, in many, many ways, just like Volume 1 did, when you reflect back on it.”

I am proud of Volume 1 of my Adulthood. The protagonist is an interesting character. She has grown a lot. She has lived a lot of her goals and her dreams and her plans, and yet she has also been open enough to take some new directions that life’s storms and surprises have imposed upon her. She is about to put the finishing touches on the first half of her adult life. She is proud of her accomplishments, achievements, and evolvement. She has learned from many mistakes, and she realizes that she is strong, and resilient and open-minded enough to learn from the future lessons that are bound to arrive in Volume 2. Mostly, though, the protagonist, while closing out the first volume of her adult life, is in savor mode. She is savoring what she has created for herself, what she has co-created with others, and she is grateful. So very grateful. And in that spirit of thankfulness, and brimming with love and awe, she is doing what she must do. She is finishing strong.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.