Tag: middle age

Get Your Sh*t Together, Portia

I am an ardent fan of this new season of The White Lotus. Sunday’s finale can’t come soon enough, even with everything that I need to be getting done this week. If you are squeamish about sex and nudity, avoid the show, but otherwise, indulge! The White Lotus is so intriguing and the characters are fascinatingly flawed, and thus extremely interesting to get to know. Jennifer Coolidge plays Tanya, the only main character from the first season to return. Tanya is an insecure, emotionally immature, aimless, only child who has inherited half a billion dollars. She is ridiculously needy and oblivious. In short, no one really should take any advice from Tanya, but in the scene below she doles out advice to her assistant, Portia. Her bottom line is “Get your sh*t together, Portia.” (I imagine that this line is quickly going to become one of those cultural meme taglines, if it isn’t already)

There was a time in my life, that if I were Portia, I would have thought, “You must be kidding, Tanya. Who the hell are you to ever tell anyone to get their sh*t together?” I would have scoffed and brushed it off quickly. In short, I would have “shot” the messenger.

However, I am older and wiser now. Some of the best advice I have ever gotten has come from people who have learned things the hard way, through difficult experiences. Their advice comes from an earnest hope to help others avoid the same miserable difficulties which they have gone through. Experience is always the best teacher, but if you can vicariously learn from other people’s experiences, this really helps to dodge some scary bullets. As an eldest child, I have always felt a special empathy for my own eldest child. The eldest child tends to make a lot of mistakes that the younger siblings (if they are smart) learn to avoid making themselves.

For years, trying to work through “stuff” on my own, I avoided therapy. I was told that therapists just went to school to study psychology in order to fix themselves. I wasn’t going to take any advice from any messed up person who needed fixing. But then I lived long enough to realize everyone needs some fixing. I have never met one person in my life who has all of their “sh*t together” in every facet of their lives. So then it occurred to me that perhaps it is not such a bad thing to get advice from a person who is self-aware enough to admit that they need some fixing, go to school for it, and then try to help others with their gained knowledge. So back in the 1990s, I went to therapy for the first time, and I learned all about narcissism, boundaries, gaslighting, codependency, etc. And now I look at the internet and I see that the whole world is just catching up to these terms and their meanings, which helped me immensely, decades ago.

The gist of this post is “Don’t shoot the messenger.” But don’t put the messenger on a pedestal either. The messenger, no matter who they are: a therapist, a minister, a priest, a yogi, a rabbi, a writer, a relative, a friend, a boss, a mentor etc. is just another flawed human being, just like you and me. Trust your own intuition. If the message resonates deeply, the message is meant for you to learn from it and to gain knowledge and wisdom from it. If the message seems a little “off” to you, trust your inner judgment, even if the message is coming from someone whom you deeply respect. Messages often come from the most unusual, and unlikely sources. And don’t discount good messages either, just because you later find out that the messenger was not the perfect angel of God whom you had built them up to be. (That’s on you.) The message itself was always the gold that shows you that the answers that you need, are always deep inside of you, yourself. The messengers whom we come across in life are just people, who are working on their own sh*t, who are used as the vehicles to pass on this gold of unveiled understanding and wisdom that resonates from the depths and the portals of our own souls.

So I say to you (and to me) today, “Get your sh*t together.” If you feel like this message resonates, run with it. If not, discard it. And know that I am just a writer, a scribe, a person with a passion for the written word. I have my merits and I have my warts, but my message is its own separate entity. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

An Early Gift

How’s everyone doing this holiday season? As I say to my family, “I’m taking your temperature. How does it read?” I’m doing alright. I find that I am only able to handle my extra holiday stuff/chores in spurts. When I feel the mojo, I order some presents, or I make sure to tip the mail carrier. My husband and I still haven’t gotten our Christmas decoration mojo going yet, which is admittedly a little embarrassing, particularly at night, in our brightly lit, merry, “in the spirit” neighborhood, but honestly, not quite embarrassing enough to do anything about it.

I think what is difficult about the holidays is that regular life doesn’t stop. Our kids are headed into their finals, at their challenging universities. We have to help make decisions regarding a family member’s health. We still get the sniffles and various aches and pains. We still have to keep up our “appointments” – doctor, dentist, work, vet, haircuts, etc. Our own family also has birthdays and a graduation to celebrate. When I look at the illustration above, I can remind myself that I can decide how many extra decorations and bright lights (in the form of commitments) that I want to add to my schedule this year. The world won’t stop if my Christmas cards become New Years cards, or don’t even come into being at all. My neighbors will know that I am still their caring neighbor, even if I just put a wreath on the door this year. If we finally break down and buy an artificial tree, it will still house and protect our beautiful, meaningful ornaments and there are plenty of pine scented candles available to purchase and light.

Perhaps the best gift which we can give to ourselves this holiday season is a break. I will help you. Here is your gift, your gift of “a break”. We are giving ourselves this gift of a break early, when we can actually use it and it won’t get lost in all of the wrapping and kerfuffle:

And here is what is inside. This is for you to use whenever you need to, holidays and beyond. It’s your gift of “It’s okay.” Use it copiously. It has the magical powers of reenergizing you, and regenerating itself for whenever you need it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

In these parts where I live, our large population of part-timers have come back to town. My superpower is in its glory these days. Sigh.

At the company Christmas party over the weekend, I was speaking for a while to a young man who works for my husband. This young man is in his mid-twenties and he is a superstar. His parents are immigrants from Columbia. They have worked blue collar jobs their whole lives, and this young man worked to pay (and earned several scholarships) to put himself through college. He is one of the most reliable, smart, hardworking people who have ever worked for my husband. He is one of the most upbeat, happy people I have ever met. At the party, after him telling me that his rent had not gone up at all, and also about some winnings that he had won recently, out in Vegas, I said to him, “C, you seem like a really lucky person. Do you consider yourself to be a lucky person?”

He said, “Wow, I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday. I think that I am very lucky, because bad things don’t happen to me.”

This statement jarred my mommy heart and I started panicking thinking about the fact that unfortunately bad things eventually happen to everyone. “C, do you feel equipped to handle bad things when they will happen?” I asked him with sincere concern.

“I don’t think that I will recognize bad things, because bad things often turn out to be good things, you know,” is what C said to me. Wow. C is a naturally lucky person. He has learned to have a fabulous attitude at just the starting gate of his adult life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Last night we attended my husband’s annual company Christmas/Holidays party. Although it hasn’t been so annual lately. Due to Covid and whatnot, this was the first Christmas party the company has had in three years. We had a marvelous time. However, since this three year break, I am starting to realize that my husband and I are now fully in the “elders camp” at company parties. All of those older people at business functions that I used to look up to, defer to, feel a little nervous around, and also admittedly, sometimes crank about with my other younger associates, are now “us”. We are the elder people. It doesn’t help that our neighbor’s grandson, and a handsome young man who used to carpool to soccer with my son, in their stinky, sweaty cleats, smelling up my SUV, are now young, energetic executives at this company. The thing is, I still feel like that young woman whom I once was, trying to impress my elders at the company parties. And now that I am “an elder”, I realize how silly and unnecessary that is to do. I just delight in seeing young people making their paths in this world. I’m excited for them and their futures and I realize that I have just as much to learn from them as they do from me.

Okay, that paragraph was a digression from what Sundays on the blog are truly about. (I feel a little distractible today.) Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. When I opened up the computer today, I read this quote from Alan Cohen: “If you feel overwhelmed by responsibility, you have assumed more than what truly belongs to you.” This prompted me to look up some poems written about “lightening the load.” We were up late last night, so I don’t have the bandwidth to write a poem of my own yet this morning. The cobwebs have not been cleared. However these two poems popped up on my search and both of them spoke to me. I hope they connect with you, as well. Have a beautiful, peaceful, meaningful day. See you tomorrow.

Credit: Celestial Sciolla
by Arundhati Chowdhury

Know Your Personnel

Years ago, our middle son played on a travel soccer team with a lot of the same boys year after year. One of the players he played with was an extra-tall, sturdy, solid, brilliant young man who would later go on to college at one of the military academies. This young man was a great defender because he was strong, stubborn and he was hard to get past. He was like a wall. But, he wasn’t fast. He wasn’t tricky and nimble. The defender position, standing solidly, right by the goalie, was the perfect position for this player.

In one game, one of the players passed the ball to this young man and then criticized him when things went awry with an opposing player who was small and crafty and quick. “Know your personnel!” is what my son’s solid teammate loudly barked back to his critical teammate, and rightly so. The teammate seeing the quick and nimble opponent right by the tall, lumbering defender should have known to pass the ball elsewhere. We parents all got a chuckle out of the “Know your personnel!” comeback and so did our son’s team. It became a catchphrase that was often used by all of the team, and even our own family adopted the saying. Here I am, years later, writing about it.

Being fully cognizant and aware of your own strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths and weaknesses of those with whom you live with or you work with, and utilizing these strengths and weaknesses effectively, can make the difference between creating a masterpiece or creating a disastrous mess (all with the same group of people). Taking advantage of placing people with particular strengths matched to tasks that lend to those strengths, is a win-win for everyone. Knowing your personnel, helps to manage everyone’s expectations and stops setting people (including yourself) and projects up for failure.

Know your personnel. Be observant. Be humble. Be amazed and appreciative. Be open to different ways of doing things. Be impressed with the well-oiled machine of a group or an entity that knows their personnel very well, and has strategically placed everyone in positions where they can blossom and grow. When you find yourself disappointed, ask yourself, was this a situation where I ignored what I already knew about my personnel? Can I use this knowledge for better decisions in the future? KYP – you know me. Knowledge is power. Know your personnel.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fridayness

Happy Friday!! Happy Best Day of the Week!! On Fridays, I discuss the “stuff of life” – books, products, beauty items, food items, what-have-yous, ect – the literal stuff in life. Fridays are dedicated to my favorite things that get me excited. Please check out previous Friday posts for more favorites and add your own favorites to my Comments. It’s okay for us to share some of the same favorites.

My favorite for today is Utah Mint Chocolate Truffles. These are like Russell Stover’s french mint candies, but on steroids. They are amazingly delicious and refreshing. We bought an enormous bag at Costco last week and they are almost all gone. Move over Pumpkin Spice, it’s mint time!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Differently

I read an excellent article by Karen Nimmo this morning. She writes that when deciding what we want in 2023, we should ask ourselves this question: “What do I want to do differently next year?” She also suggests that we spend some time with this prompt: “I’d like to spend more time . . .”

If we spend some time seriously pondering these ideas, and then actually write our answers down, we can have a template to reflect back on when nasty old habits, routines, and living life on auto-pilot starts inevitably occurring in the new year. We can remind ourselves of what is truly important and nourishing to our souls and we can live 2023 more purposefully than we have ever lived before.

This can be so much for effective than making new year’s resolutions that most people break before February even arrives. I’ve written this before but it bears repeating: Run towards what you DO want, not away from what you don’t want. If you just “run away” you tend to run aimlessly into the first “escape” that appears. If you run towards what you DO want, you have an aim and a purpose and a mission. If you ask yourself why you want what you are running towards, and write those reasons down, too, this will give clarity, passion and understanding to the needs you are trying to meet for yourself.

What do I want to do differently next year?

I’d like to spend more time . . . . .

If you care to share your own answers to these questions in my comments section, I would be delighted to read them. They may spark intriguing, inspirational ideas for me and for my other readers. Thank you in advance. Happy December!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ageless Soul

“To me, age is really just a number, some kind of label. I feel more like an ageless soul in an aging body. And it’s all okay.” – Hilde, age 58 from the book, And Bloom: The Art of Aging Unapologetically by Denise Boomkens

Our souls are ageless, but our bodies aren’t. Our ageless souls are housed in our bodies. Lately I’ve been letting situations which are out of my control, eat at me. And I feel it in my body. It is time to reel it all in. I want my ageless soul to experience a long, interesting life in this body that houses it. Thus I must take time to nurture my body, so that my ageless soul exists in a nurturing space. I must reel in my mind from continuing with obsessive, negative thoughts that do not add to the health of my body, nor to the quality of my life. My ageless soul deserves a sound mind and a healthy body, in order to experience an amazing quality of life. These things that I can do, in order to care for my body (rest, exercise, nutrition), and these things that I can do for my mind (mindfulness, prayer, meditation), are things that I do have control of, and so for the sake of my beautiful, ageless soul, I will put my focus on these things in which I do have control, and I will trust that the rest will take care of itself. And it’s all okay.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Be An Outsider

“Boundaries aren’t only for what people do to you, what about what you do to yourself? What about behaviors you have that keep harming you, what about habits that destroy your mental health and well-being? Sometimes it’s you that you gotta stop. Remember to place self-boundaries. That includes stopping yourself from going back to who keeps hurting you. Place limits with yourself.” – @SayItValencia, Twitter

This quote is a good one. The topic of boundaries is an important one to explore, and to revisit during the holiday season. Boundaries aren’t about controlling what other people do. Boundaries are putting limits on what is acceptable to you, and what you are exposed to, at any given time. As it is said, “Boundaries say ‘no.’ Standards say ‘yes.’ ”

The holidays tend to be a time of excess: excess of emotion, excess of stuff, excess of nostalgia, excess of invitations, excess of eating and drinking, excess of expectations, excess noise and commotion, excess of spending, excess of lights, excess of sensations. Sometimes you need to be William, that guy from my favorite commercial of the season. It’s L.L. Bean’s “Be An Outsider” advertisement, where William takes a break from all of the holiday hubbub and walks outside, into the cool crisp air, walking on the snow with his dog, and he gazes at the natural, beautiful, cleansing light of the moon. William ends the commercial with “And this is everything.” William obviously has a love and a fondness for the people and the camaraderie and the tradition and the excitement going on in the house, but he is wise enough to know when he needs a break, and perspective. William knows his boundaries, and he puts them in place.

Recently, I was going through one of my old journals and I found a daily mantra that I was utilizing at the time. I think that it is a good one to bring back: “I will go through this one day harmlessly. I will hurt no one in my thoughts or actions, including myself.” Be an outsider. Be true to yourself this holiday season.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

credit: @Leon_Cooper, Twitter

My favorite story from the weekend was of the Japanese World Cup soccer fans keeping up their tradition of cleaning up garbage in the stands. They have traditional blue garbage bags that they take out and use to clean up garbage as a sign of respect for taking care of others’ property. The Japanese team members left their locker room absolutely spotless as well, including leaving origami figures and a thank you note to the host country, Qatar. Apparently, this wonderful quality is catching on, and many other teams are following suit. What a wonderful example of courtesy, respect and connection to others! Apparently the worldwide attention that this has brought, has made many Japanese people amused, proud, but also a little embarrassed. This trait of tidiness and respect is something that is so “normalized” in their culture, that they are finding themselves a bit self-conscious to having it be brought to light. I love this. Sometimes wonderful traits of people need to be noticed and emulated, especially when these traits are just part of a person’s being, and not part of an attention grabbing “show.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.