Tag: middle age

The Question For Friday

Credit: Rex Masters, X

Happy Friday!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!

“Are you all set for Christmas?” – everyone’s most hated question to answer during the holiday season, and yet the question seems to drop out of my mouth almost like a nervous tic, to everyone I come across, as much as I abhor getting asked this question myself. I always immediately apologize after asking “the most hated question”, as I observe the groans, and the eye-rolls, and the signs of blood pressure rising, in anyone who gets asked that question, 99% of the time. Every once in a while, an outlier will express total enthusiasm, nodding an emphatic “Yes!” with their eyes all aglow, and then they will start listing all of the gifts, baking, decorations, wrapping, cards and plans which they have already successfully and enthusiastically completed. These are typically the people who get asked “the most hated question” immediately after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t one of those outliers, and you still need an idea for some stocking stuffers, here’s today’s favorite: Trader Joe’s Shampoo Bar Peppermint and Tea Tree. My husband likes simple, quality, environmentally friendly products, and this one fits the bill. It is shampoo that is free of any toxins and it comes in the form of a soap bar, so it is not contained in a plastic bottle. It also has coconut, olive and jojoba oils in it and the scent of the shampoo is refreshing but light. At $4 a pop, maybe you can stuff two of these gems in a stocking.

Before you ask “the most hated question of the holiday season”, ask yourself this:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Snow White in a Bird Cage

We have had workers here this week repairing and re-screening our pool cage. For those of you who aren’t familiar with pool cages, many of us here in Florida have enormous, ugly metal and screen contraptions surrounding our pool areas. On the good side of these “bird cages” (as they are sometimes called), they help to keep bugs, wildlife (remember that in Florida, wildlife includes a plethora of alligators), and extreme levels of plant debris, out of our pools. On the negative side, they’re ugly. Still, I love my ugly birdcage. It keeps my doggies in, and the gators and the coyotes, out.

The owner of the pool screening company suggested that we make even more out of our back view by doing what is called a “panoramic screen” which requires less bars. See it above. (You can see the muse of my blog, Harmonia, peeking up, right over by the purple plant. You can read all about Harmonia if you scroll down on my blog’s home page). This is the view that I have from my desk, as I write to you, right now. That lush foliage you see, is part of a nature preserve behind the lake. This spot, in my writing nook, peering out at my view, is probably my happiest of all of my happy places. All sorts of birds waddle and fly by. We get deer and turkeys and herons and alligators and squirrels and possums and owls and armadillos and hawks. Essentially, I am Snow White in a bird cage. Currently, I am sitting here at my desk, filled with peace. Sometimes, different animals walk by and they quizzically peer over at me, almost like an opposite zoo, and at those moments, I am gratefully held captive by my overwhelming feelings of awe of the beauty, and the connection, and the easy, unforced flow of nature and creation.

There is one pool screen worker here who is spry and energetic and his job is to put up the ceiling screens which he does by perching up on a horizontal ladder held by beams. He is sometimes upside down, much like I envision Michelangelo being, while painting the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. It is nerve-wracking to watch. As the workmen were leaving last night, my husband and I were conversing with them about the project, and the spry, acrobatic man and I ended up having sort of a philosophical discussion about different things going on in society. He was making some very deep, astute, wise statements and I told him that what he was talking about sounded a lot like the things which I write about on my blog. With a sheepish pride he said, “Cool, I had an English teacher who said that I could become a writer.”

And for some reason, that statement filled me with gratefulness. I suddenly loved this man’s teacher. I almost felt brought to tears. I love when people see other people. I love when people inspire other people to be the beauty and the potential that they see in them. I love when people help other people to open up and to discover the loveliness and the magnanimity in their own unique selves. Isn’t this what we are supposed to do? Isn’t this what we are made for? What else could be more important? This is love. Love.

“I am a cage, in search of a bird.” – Franz Kafka

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Who’s Laughing?

Anticipating workers being here all day to work on our pool cage while attempting to calm and corral our three boisterous dogs, means that I will need some big laughs today. Luckily, I found them. I can’t stop watching and laughing at the video below. “Sag-Who-Tarrius! That’s MY sign! YESSS! Look at me! I’m Fire! Sagittarius #1!”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Glass Down

I’m not a big believer in the categories “good” or “bad” or “normal.” I think that there are very few things that 100 percent fall into any of these categories and a lot of that is relative to different perspectives. I believe that it is best to discern things and people and places by “Is exposure to this person/place/thing, healthy for me?” and also, “How much exposure to this people/place/thing is healthy for me?” The answers to these questions are only for me to decide. These questions also apply to social media. Social media is not in its essence, “good” or “evil.” It can be used for both. The question for any of us is, “Is how I am utilizing social media on a daily basis, healthy for me?” A good way to judge your health (mental, physical, spiritual) is to examine how you feel. Generally things that are all-of-the-way-around healthy for you will make you feel “alive”, energized, hopeful, grounded, peaceful, pain-free, rested, calm, creative, connected, even-keeled etc. So when I am starting the new year, and when I am considering the tweaks that I want to make in my life in this new year, I examine what is making me feel overall healthy, and also what is detracting from my overall health, and then I make adjustments accordingly.

The social media platform which I spend most of my time engaging on is X (formerly Twitter). This is because I’m an insatiably curious person. I like to learn more about things that I am interested in. One of my favorite accounts to follow is Vala Afshar, who is a business leader, scientist, and author. There is nothing controversial on his thread. Usually he posts videos of amazing robotic inventions, or fabulous works and marvels from the fields of engineering and architecture, or famous, inspiring speeches from business leaders like Warren Buffett, or sometimes he posts beautiful facts about nature (for instance, today he posted a video of a gorgeous, golden 1400 year-old gingko tree in China and he said that gingko trees existed in the days of the dinosaurs!) In short, following Vala Afshar’s X account is a reminder of just how incredibly amazing our natural world is, and just how ingenious humanity can be, when we put our minds to it.

Recently, Vala Afshar posted two different videos of the same professor teaching interesting, inspiring lessons to his students. Unfortunately, I can’t discern who this professor is, or what he teaches, or where he teaches (or taught), but the professor appears to be an American, he is charismatic and he puts me in mind of Dean Martin. In the first lesson, the professor offers up a $20 bill and asks the class who wants it. Of course, everyone raises their hands. He then puts the bill on the ground and stamps on it, and then he picks the $20 bill up and asks his students who wants it now. Not surprisingly, everyone still raises their hands. He then crinkles it into a ball and rubs it between his hands. When he offers it up, everyone still volunteers to take it. The professor says that this is a lesson in value. The $20 bill had the same value, despite everything it had gone through and what had worn it thin. He said to use this lesson to never forget your own intrinsic value, no matter what happens throughout your lifetime.

In the second video, the professor picks up a glass of water and asks his students to guess its absolute weight. They throw out their guesses: Eight ounces? Twelve ounces? The professor quiets his students down. He said that it really doesn’t matter how much the glass of water weighs. The professor says that what really matters is how long he holds on to it, up in the air. If he holds on to it for a few minutes , the glass of water is easy to hold, and not that heavy. However, the longer he holds on to the glass of water, the heavier it feels. The professor compares our stresses and worries in our lives, to the glass of water. If you spend a few minutes on them, you’ll be fine, but the longer you hold on to them, the more you’ll start to ache, and if you spend all of your day on your problems, the professor says that you feel “paralyzed and incapable of doing anything.” The professor ends his lesson by telling his students that when they start to worry: “Always remember to put the glass down.”

Both of these lessons are wonderful reminders and excellent visuals to put into our “tool box” for better, overall and invigorating health in 2024. I hope that you are enjoying the holiday season for its own everlasting intrinsic worth (no matter what it looks like on the outside), and when you are getting frazzled, you’re able to “Put that glass down!” Cheers! Now, put the glass down.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

Good morning. One of the favorite parts of this time of year for me, has nothing really to do with twinkly lights, and sweets, and celebrations (although all of these things are great), but more so, it is a time of deep reflection for me. It’s the end of a year. My birthday falls in this month. Last night I spent some time going over my journals of the last two years. This really helps me to pinpoint things that I want to keep investing in, and also, circumstances and habits that I want to change in the new year. It helps me to get clear on my goals and my visions for the new year. This time of year is the perfect time for reflection, gratitude, and renewal. I hope that you can find some quiet space in your calendar this month, to do the same. The winter solstice is on the 21st, which in the northern hemisphere is the darkest day of the year, but after that day, the light just keeps increasing and increasing and increasing throughout the beginning of the year. The winter solstice might just be the perfect day to decide where you want to pour your light and energy on this year, and what you are ready to lay to rest in the shadows of what is now in the past.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

**** Happy Birthday, BEB. I love you with all of my heart.

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Sometimes I sit and I try to wordle my words into a poem of my own, and sometimes I try to learn about new poets and then read and share some of their offerings. A British poet, named Benjamin Zephaniah passed away this month of a brain tumor at the age of 65. He was quite famous in the United Kingdom and he wrote poems for adults and children alike. I only learned about him because someone on X, posted a long, thoughtful letter which he had written back to her. This poster of the letter (Jess Green, @jessgreenpoet) enjoyed writing to her favorite authors, when she was a child, and she said that he was one of the few writers that ever wrote back. This is the letter that he wrote back to her:

I feel like I know Benjamin from just reading this letter, don’t you? I still have a hard time believing that Artificial Intelligence will be able to mimic “the voice”, of a heartfelt, genuine, authentic letter. Below is one of Benjamin Zephaniah’s poems. This short, direct poem struck me as a reminder of how much has changed since I was a child. We can argue that some of the changes that have happened over the years in society are puzzling, and questionable, but many, many of these changes have been good, and productive, and have moved the world forward. To change the world, we must change minds.

Who’s Who

I used to think nurses
Were women,
I used to think police
Were men,
I used to think poets
Were boring,
Until I became one of them.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Saturday’s Solicitudes

I have a lot going on today so my mind is like a whirligig (this is a weird, fancy word for a pinwheel). When I come to the blog on a day like this, I go to my photos and I find inspirations which I have found on other days, that have struck me as funny or poignant. Today, I am leaning on the funny side.

I really do have an expressive face. My face does not know how to do “the poker.”

Ugh, the holidays really brings out the crowds, don’t they? Kevin Kelly’s book, which I wrote about on Thursday, says this, too: “Cultivate 12 people who love you because they are worth more than 12 million who like you.” On the 12 days of Christmas (December 25th through January 5th), write one person’s name who loves you on each day, and think about how much that you love them, as well (this can include people who have passed on – these people deeply live on, in our hearts because of the love that we have shared with them). I believe one or more of these 12 can be our pets, as well. Dogs do the act of love better than almost any of us, in my mind. You are welcome to include me on one of those days if you like, because I do love you. Coming to read my blog is an act of love which I very deeply appreciate. As I also wrote about earlier this week, being “seen” is perhaps the biggest act of love that we can give to anyone. And when you read my blog, you make me feel seen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Another big hint for this “12 Days of Christmas/12 People Who Love Me” activity: Add yourself to one of those days. If you don’t love yourself, ask yourself, why? How could you not love yourself??? No one has lived it all with you, and stuck by your side more than yourself, ever. Why are you not every bit as lovable, and deserving love, than anybody else on your list? This is a really good time of year to ponder, how can you better show love to yourself, and to those 11 others in the upcoming year. Could we pick each of the 12 months to devoting one month of the year to sending daily loving thoughts and prayers and immense feelings of gratitude, especially to one of our 12 people, in each of the 12 months of 2024? Wouldn’t that feel good? Get your calendars out and write a name next to each month. Fill your year with gratitude and love.

Enjoy the rest of your day, friends. See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday Fire

On Thanksgiving evening, a few friends and I were texting and it turns out that we were all doing the same thing in different places, from all of the way up in Massachusetts, down to Virginia, and finally all the way down to here in Florida. We were all outside, sitting around fires with our families and we sent each other pictures of our families, with everyone’s faces glowing in the beautiful, flickering firelight. I love beautiful, intriguing fires. I am a Sagittarius, which is a fire sign. My husband is a fire sign. Five out of six of our immediate family members are fire signs. (Yes, things can get really loud and bold and igniting at our house, really quick. I do sometimes feel sorry for our poor little less combustible Cancer son, who does his best to put the fires out.)

So with firelight in mind, my two favorites for Favorite Things Friday on the blog, involve fire. My husband reads the paper version of the Wall Street Journal every day, so he decided he would make use of the paper, by making newspaper briquettes to burn in fires. So every once in a while he sits with a pile of newspapers and a bucket of water and he uses his heavy steel newspaper briquette maker/newspaper log maker, to make bricks/logs to help fuel our mini-bonfires. You can find different models of these ” newspaper brick makers” on Amazon. Ours is made by a company called “Bits and Pieces.” To get the fire started, I like to use Maxwell’s Mystic Matches. These matches are admittedly a bit of a splurge. They are wide, thick sticks of Palo Santo wood that when struck, make an enormous, immediate flame. I love the smell of the Palo Santo as it burns. To start the fire with flames from these matches, makes the fire seem extra special and almost “sacred” in a way.

I hope that you enjoy a warm, passionate weekend, with the homefires burning! Happy Friday! Have a great weekend! See you tomorrow, fireflies!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wired Wisely

So this morning I have some appointments, and so I felt some angst about figuring out what I would write about in the blog today. (I am typically good about limiting my commitments in my mornings because I like to have my mornings devoted to leisurely reading and writing and thinking, but sometimes I have no choice.) Anyway, my email today from the Daily Inspiration included this quote:

Kevin Kelly is the editor of Wired magazine. Oh boy, I love a quote like the above that really makes me take some time to ponder it. So immediately after reading the quote, I felt the need to learn more about Kevin Kelly. I found out that he wrote a book in May called “Excellent Advice For Living: Wisdom I Wish I’d Known Earlier. (Kevin Kelly is 71 years old.) So of course, I’ve already downloaded this book to my Kindle as an early Christmas present to myself (When I looked at excerpts from Kevin Kelly’s X page, this book is clearly right up my alley!) I take the above quote to mean that we enjoy our passions for ourselves, but they become our purpose when we make our passions our gift to the world.

Here’s another quote from the book:

My husband and I have often discussed why it is that many famous bands and singers seem to have their “heyday” of amazing songs, and then they kind of stop creating really great new stuff, and they rely on their old standbys to retread again and again at their concerts. Is it possible that these rich and famous people may have lost their hunger? How do you stay hungry if you have reached a certain level of security and fame? I love the idea of “Stay hungry.” It is another one of those “simple, but not easy” edicts of life.

And here are a few of my other favorites to share, before I go hop into the shower:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

See

“1. Being a great listener isn’t genetic and it isn’t magic. It’s a skill set that can be taught, learned and practiced.  

2. Don’t be “that guy” at the bar. Ask questions. 

3. Beware of stacking…where you take one thing you know about a person and stack up all the other things you assume about them underneath.  

4. Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer. All or nothing.” – from Kelly Corrigan’s takeaways from a conversation that she had with author, David Brooks whose latest book is How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

So, I read this synopsis this morning in my email, and so I have now added another book to my long queue of must-reads. But in the meantime, my curiosity got to the best of me and I read a whole other manuscript of an interview with David Brooks about his latest book.

David Brooks claims to have written this book because he is concerned of the epidemic of loneliness and despair and separateness that many various statistics and anecdotes point to, in our society today. He claims that we must learn to look at each other with open minds and open hearts, and to be vulnerable enough to share our own open minds and open hearts with others. Below is one of David Brooks favorite quotes that inspired David himself to become more emotionally available:

“In the middle of life, I learned that if I seal myself off from the pain of living and from the emotions of living, I’m sealing myself off from the holy sources of life itself.”  – Frederick Buechner

And so David says this:

“I realized along the way that to see others well, you have to be open-hearted. You have to open up your heart to other people.” 

The interviewer asked David Brooks why paying attention, which seems like such a simple act, is actually a really profound moral and creative act?

Brooks answered that there is almost nothing better you can give to a person than the gift of just being seen, without judgment or expectations. He said that a friend had an a-ha moment when David Brooks was trying to explain this concept. His friend said this:

“That’s what we do with our grandkids. We just behold them.”

Wow. That’s beautiful. What if we just “beheld” people? What if we really did utilize the “namaste” idea that “The Spirit in me beholds the Spirit in you” with everyone we came in contact with today? I have a sneaking suspicion that if the majority of us did this on a regular basis, the world would be uplifted in ways we never could have imagined.

David Brooks also said this in the interview: “We like friends who are linger-able. People you just want to linger with.” Isn’t this the truth? Aren’t there certain friends and family members that time just flies by with, and you sometimes wish that it would never end? I have certain friends whom I have lunch dates with, that I learned not to schedule anything else for later in the afternoon, because I am so excited to linger with these “linger-able” people as long as possible. I think that I might spend some time today on what traits makes certain people so “linger-able.” And I will spend some time in gratitude for the “linger-able” people in my life who find me to be “linger-able”, too.

What are the different practices of diminishers and illuminators? – Another question asked of David Brooks by the interviewer, Cherie Harder of The Trinity Forum.

“. . . diminishers, first, they don’t ask. So if you’re not a question-asker, you’re probably a diminisher. Secondly, they stereotype, and so they have labels. And thirdly, they do a thing called stacking. And stacking is when, if you learn one fact about a person, you make a whole series of assumptions that you think must also be true of that person.”

Wow. I know that I have sometimes been guilty of being a diminisher and making snap “stacked up” opinions of people. I also know that people have “stacked up” me. I find it interesting and amusing when people are shocked to find out that I am a deep thinker/writer, or that I love hiking, or that I have three sloppy dogs, because on the outside I’m also a stay-at-home spouse of a banker, who likes pretty clothes and accessories, and enjoys riding around town with my convertible top down. So they have already pigeon-holed me into a certain stereotype. To add to this point, the most right-wing leaning, conservative in their politics person whom I have ever met, lives in California, gardens her own vegetables (and she’s been a vegan longer than anyone I know), is a tech expert, shaves her head, does not wear make-up and wears the same t-shirt/jeans combination “uniform” every day of her life. And she’s not a lesbian or a transgender person (even though she has been confused to be these labels many times). She’s in her sixties and she has been married to her husband for decades. Hmmm. Categorizing and pigeonholing people sometimes makes navigating our lives and our experiences easier and more streamlined, but wow, do we miss a lot, when we smugly assume that our assumptions are the unquestionable truth. If we treat each person as an intriguing world unto themselves to explore and to get to know, we will never be bored.

Number 4. on the list above is a big “ouch”, isn’t it? As a mother of four, I have often prided myself on my multi-tasking abilities. “I’ll listen to you while I’m doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, or secretly thinking about my grocery list in my head. In fact, I’ll listen to you as I’m doing all of these tasks at once.” I need to remove the “dimmer” option on my listening switch. It’s not helpful for any of my relationships.

I’m going to end this post with some poignant quotes David Brooks uses to remind people who are in the throes of depression, that they are still very much needed in this world:

“Life has not stopped expecting things of you.” – Viktor Frankl (Viktor Frankl was a Holocaust survivor. If you are still here, there is a reason for you to be here. Make it your purpose in life to find that reason, and to be it.)

“Without your wound, where would your power be? Your low voice trembles into the hearts of men because of the wounds you carry. In love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” – Thorton Wilder

If you are in pain, if nothing else, try to use that pain for love’s service. You know pain intimately, so another sufferer will feel “seen” by your full attention and understanding, more than from anyone else. Your pain will not be for nothing, and perhaps it will be alchemized into another molecule of deep, authentic love that our world sorely needs.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.