Tag: love

And a Luna Moth

I started writing this blog in the summer of 2018. It marked the beginning of my “letting go.” I call our eldest son “the alpha”, and our daughter, “the omega.” They are the eldest and the youngest, of our four children. In 2018, our alpha started his first career job, after graduating from college. And just the other day, our omega accepted a wonderful job offer, after experiencing a successful, engaging internship over the summer. This coming summer, after she graduates from her university in May, our daughter has a job all lined up to officially start her fully independent adult life. The ending of my “letting go” is now fully upon me, as I now more clearly see the growing glimmers of my own fully independent life (a life without any dependents) gathering quickly, right around the corner.

Today, as I slowly awoke out of the kind of deep sleep that only a three-day weekend seems to truly afford, I sauntered out on to our back porch and there, quietly resting on one of our stools was a beautiful Luna moth. Luna moths aren’t actually rare. There are many of them, but they don’t live long. They only stay alive to procreate (only about 7-10 days – they don’t even have mouths to eat) and they usually prefer being out and about at night. I took this Luna moth sighting as a sign. The internet suggests that Luna moths represent rebirth, transformations and new beginnings.

As I have aged, I have learned that change is the only constant but I have also learned that very few changes are sudden. Most change is gradual, subtle, and sometimes not even recognized until it has already happened. I have spent the last seven years of my life, changing and evolving and growing and stumbling and soaring. I have spent the last seven years of my life metamorphosizing away from my major adult role as a career mother, to this new, less encumbered form of myself, who is still working her way out of the fragile cocoon of change and discovery and acceptance.

The Luna moth is still on her perch as I write this. She is taking her time, to let her wings dry before she flies on to her next anointed role, into the winds of her beautiful, transforming, fleeting life. Like nature does best, the Luna moth surrenders in total trust, to the higher forces of Life. She understands that there really isn’t a true beginning and a true end to anything, because each ending always signals a new beginning. The truth is, the alpha and the omega are actually on the exact same spot, on the one big, beautiful, magnificent, comforting circle of Life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ “Everybody who is honest is interesting.” – Stefan Sagmeister

Why do we love comedians and songs and biographies and memoirs and long podcasts? This is because these things tend to pull out truth, vulnerability, relatability, and authenticity, from both the sharer and the “sharee”. These mediums create a space where honesty can be shared safely and openly and kindly. In a world so full of fakeness and pretense and hostility, true honesty is a precious (and dare I say, almost holy) commodity.

+ “What you don’t transmute, you transmit.” – Richard Rohr

In other words, work on your sh*t, because otherwise, you’ll end up sh*tting on everything and everybody who mean the most to you in your life. Get conscious. Don’t go through life unconscious and then wonder what happened. Don’t plant yourself in the victim seat and live there for the rest of your life. Give yourself the power you already possess. You ultimately are your own healer. Your pain doesn’t magically disappear. You either do the work to transmute it, or else you transmit it out into the world. And it’s obvious, isn’t it? Our world doesn’t need any more pain.

+ “Don’t change the goal, change the path to the goal.”

Too many of us give up on plans, goals, dreams, because we feel like we are banging our heads up against a steel wall. We’re so busy banging our heads, that we don’t take the time to ponder whether there may be another way to reach our goal (spoiler alert: there are usually many paths to any one destination). Sometimes we get really fixated on the ONE and ONLY path, person, place, thing, time, etc. that has to happen, in order for us to reach our goal (which if we are honest with ourselves (see exhibit one), most of us have pretty much the same goal: a glorious mixed feeling of peace, purpose, contentment, pride, happiness, which we believe, whatever it is that our individual goal is, will bring to us)

+ Bonus: I get a lot of feedback from people missing my “Favorite Things Friday” posts. So, just for today, it’s “Wonderful Things Wednesday.” Here are a few things that have tickled my fancy lately: (Readers, please tell us what is tickling you, in the Comments section. What are your favorite, wonderful things to share?)

Mens’ Shirts by Poncho: My husband recently purchased three shirts from this company and the delivery/exchange system is absolutely easy and seamless (they run large)! These shirts are a fabulous understated mix of a western/fishing/casual/outdoorsman shirt, which come in a variety of subtle (and not so subtle) patterns. They have beautiful pearl snap buttons and one of corner of each of these top quality shirts dons a “wiper cloth” hidden underneath the corner, to wipe your sunglasses and your tech. (this will be a Father’s Day winner, I assure you!) www.ponchooutdoors.com

“The Emperor of Gladness” by Ocean Vuong: I am only halfway through this book and yet it is one of the most compelling books that I have ever read in my entire life. It is beautiful, honest, raw, eye-opening, compassionate and real. I highly recommend reading it.

Ariana Grande’s LOVENOTES Pink Woods Eau de Parfum – Every time that my future daughter-in-law wears this perfume, she gets compliments. I’ve witnessed it. It smells absolutely divine on her. If you are looking for a new scent, try this one out. I purchased it recently and the verdict is still out whether it smells as good on me as it does on her, but regardless, give it a try. As I have often said on the blog, the sense of smell is probably my favorite feature of our amazing bodies. Think of your favorite smell right now . . . . Chocolate chip cookies? Eucalyptus? A newborn baby/puppy? Your Grandma’s perfume? Rain? Thanksgiving dinner? . . . . . . you’re welcome!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Big Hike

“A 20-mile hike into the woods requires a 20-mile hike back out of the woods.”

I saw this quote a few days ago and it rang true in so many facets of life – i.e. weight loss, a lifetime accumulation of stuff, having a big family, and the true story of when our eldest son first moved up to New Jersey and decided to ride his manual, 3-speed bike across a bridge, over the river to explore New York City. It didn’t dawn on him until much later that evening, after he had exhausted himself exploring the Big Apple, that there would be an equally long ride back. (we don’t call him our “Absent-Minded Professor” for nothing)

A lifetime friend of mine recently brought up her fears and sadness about the thoughts of us all getting older and experiencing the ailments and losses that getting older often brings. I immediately got defensive and I reminded her that it would not be unusual now, for all of us to live well into our nineties which means we have close to half our lives still to live. “We’re not old!” I practically screamed. And as 50-somethings, we’re really not that old, but we are definitely on the 20-mile hike back out of the woods.

The hike back out is always a little bit easier. You have a better idea of what to expect. You get to revisit areas on your trail, and you get to bypass rocky terrain that you now know exists. You’re more experienced. You usually have better footing on the hike back out of the woods. You’ve already eaten and drank up most of your sustenance, and so you now have a lighter load. You understand more what you no longer need to have with you on the journey back. The hike back out is less about preparation and anticipation, and more so, about truly savoring and taking in what you may have missed on the hurried, restless hike in. You tend to take the hike out of the woods, a little less rushed. You’re a little more tired, but in a good way. You’ve proven to yourself that you have the mettle it takes to make this journey. There’s a saying that people often say with a resigned sigh, “It’s all downhill from here!” but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. When I am on a real hike up a hill or a mountain or an endless staircase, I am always extremely relieved that the way back is “all downhill.” It’s easier. I breathe easier. I feel nimbler and I’m still basking that I made the proud, adventurous climb in and up. Mostly though, on my journey, I’m grateful that so many of the people whom I travelled into the woods with, are still with me on our way back out. And I am so grateful for the new ones whom I am still meeting along the way, and of course, I am always grateful for the ones who always loyally travel with me, and guide me, as I deeply sense their presence, in the spirits of the winds and the birds and the trees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The House Don’t Fall

I know that a majority of my readers are mothers. “Mother” is the most important, purposeful, meaningful title I have held in my life. Being a mother, brings out everything that a woman holds inside of herself, out into the open, to the highest degrees. A lot of this that flows out of us mothers, is beautiful and warm and loving and protective and strong. And a lot of this that flows out of a mother, is vulnerable, and sometimes it is fearful and bewildered, and sometimes even angry and scared. When you are given the most important job, a job this is mostly aligned with the purpose of making a better future for the world, and you are given this job mostly just because of your own biological, anatomical birthright, without any real rules or a solid playbook, it can be overwhelming. It can be formidable. It can be staggering, even in the quietest moments of rocking our babes. But we mothers were made for this. It is natural design. Maren Morris sings, “The house don’t fall, when the bones are good . . . ” Most of us mothers have good bones. Really good bones. And because of us, no matter how dire and shaky things can seem to be, out in the world, the house don’t fall.

I am lucky. I get to spend Mother’s Day with all of my four children this year. We are celebrating our middle son’s graduation from medical school this weekend. I feel blessed beyond measure, sharing my greatest love with our precious sons and our precious daughter. I hope that you readers feel this same serene way which I am feeling right now, because you deserve to feel good. You mothers are the good bones of our world. You give structure when everything else seems to be falling to the ground. You hold everything up. You hold everything together. You are strong even when you are brittle. You are strong, even when you are cracked. You are even strong when you are broken. And so this big beautiful world of ours (our shared house), it may seem to crumble, but because of all of the mothers in this world, our house doesn’t fall. Because the truth of it is, “the house” is the ultimate mother.

Happy Mother’s Day, dear readers. I love and I appreciate you all.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Must Addition

I know that these reflections of Pope Francis are circulating widely on social media, but I have always looked at my blog as a thought museum. These beautiful reflections are A MUST for the archives here at Adulting – Second Half:

“The walls of hospitals have heard more honest prayers than churches…
They have witnessed far more sincere kisses than those in airports…
It is in hospitals that you see a homophobe being saved by a gay doctor.
A privileged doctor saving the life of a beggar…
In intensive care, you see a Jew taking care of a racist…
A police officer and a prisoner in the same room receiving the same care…
A wealthy patient waiting for a liver transplant, ready to receive the organ from a poor donor…

It is in these moments, when the hospital touches the wounds of people, that different worlds intersect according to a divine design. And in this communion of destinies, we realize that alone, we are nothing.

The absolute truth of people, most of the time, only reveals itself in moments of pain or in the real threat of an irreversible loss.

A hospital is a place where human beings remove their masks and show themselves as they truly are, in their purest essence.

This life will pass quickly, so do not waste it fighting with people.
Do not criticize your body too much.
Do not complain excessively.
Do not lose sleep over bills.
Make sure to hug your loved ones.
Do not worry too much about keeping the house spotless.
Material goods must be earned by each person—do not dedicate yourself to accumulating an inheritance…

You are waiting for too much: Christmas, Friday, next year, when you have money, when love arrives, when everything is perfect…

Listen, perfection does not exist.
A human being cannot attain it because we are simply not made to be fulfilled here.
Here, we are given an opportunity to learn.

So, make the most of this trial of life—and do it now.

Respect yourself, respect others. Walk your own path, and let go of the path others have chosen for you.
Respect: do not comment, do not judge, do not interfere.

Love more, forgive more, embrace more, live more intensely!
And leave the rest in the hands of the Creator.”
—Pope Francis 🙏

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I Am

I was going to wait until tomorrow to write this post. For years, when I blogged daily, I devoted Sundays on the blog, entirely to poetry, so that seemed like the apropos day to write about this gem which I have to tell you about. Yet, I’m too excited to wait until tomorrow. Yesterday, I devoured an entire book of poetry. And I’m not a huge poetry fan. The book which I read, is called I Am Maria by Maria Shriver. To be clear, I am not a big Kennedy family follower/fan. I have never read any of the other many books that Maria Shriver has written, but I can honestly say that I Am Maria is one of the best books that I have read in a long, long while. Every woman whom I know and I love, came to mind as I read Maria’s many, various poems. I believe that most women could relate to at least 20 percent of the book and most women would relate to a whole lot more of it. If you are a woman, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a God seeker, you will deeply relate to these honest, raw, vulnerable, authentic poems. It will inspire to open yourself up to your own inner poet. Do yourself a favor, and gift yourself this book. From one of Maria Shriver’s poems:

“I know I have the soul of a seeker.

The heart of a warrior.

The mind of a thinker.

The drive of a visionary.

And the spirit of a wild horse.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thinky Thursday

I have found that Thursdays are the days on which I am most drawn to writing on my blog. Maybe it’s because I have accumulated a lot in my head throughout the week, and before I chuck it all, and just enjoy my favorite, free-flowing Fridays, I decide that I must record some of what I have experienced and learned for posterity’s sake. (the older I get, the more I find that I must write things down. I probably will end up being one of those little old ladies who lives in a sea of colorful post-it notes, guiding her all along the way.) Speaking of writing things down, I was shopping yesterday, and I overheard two young women talking. The one young lady said to the other, “Oh, I need to get an address book.” And the other said, “For what?” And the first young lady answered, “For the wedding.”

Now this is one of those times that my evil, ever-present eavesdropping got the best of me, and I blurted out, “Girls, I have been married for over 30 years, and I still have my precious little “wedding box”. It’s like a recipe box that holds address cards. I just use colorful notecards to write down new people in my life, and also for the new addresses of the “old people” in my life. I know that we are supposed to computerize everything these days, but I honestly love my wedding box.”

The bride-to-be seemed absolutely delighted by my suggestion (sweet girl). She said, “Oh that’s a great idea! Thank you. I don’t like computerizing everything either.” (girl after my own heart)

Speaking of young ladies, lately I’ve noticed a beautiful trend on a lot of young ladies’ faces. I call it “subtle sparkle.” I have been the unfortunate experimenter of “splashy sparkle” throughout my life, but “subtle sparkle” is so much more lovely, and intriguing. One of my future daughter-in-law’s friends was talking to me, and as we were talking, I noticed her gorgeous green eyes especially. I then noticed just a hint of sparkle on her eyelids and I asked her if she thought that my crepey 54-year-old eyelids could pull it off. She insisted that I absolutely could (sweet, sweet girl) and she told me that it was Fenty Diamond Bomb All Over eyeshadow. Ironically, this same week, a young lady was waiting on me at my local grocery store, and she carried the same kind of intoxicating, clandestine shimmer on her eyelids. She shared with me that her eyeshadow was Moondust by Urban Decay – Space Cowboy. I took this as a sign to buy. I am a true believer that we are never too old for a little shimmer in our lives. Try these out, friends. Let your light shine.

There are two more things that I need to record on the blog this Thinky Thursday: First, I read an excellent article this morning by Sasha Chapin who insists that true charisma is responsiveness. It’s a fact, isn’t it? I immediately thought of the people whom I consider to be the most charismatic people in my life, and what makes them so intriguing is that they are so utterly intrigued with life, and with other people. Sasha says this about one of his own most charismatic acquaintances: “He is remarkably compelling, largely because he seems captivated by everyone and everything around him. Everywhere he goes, there is more ambient energy.” Chapin also says this: “You might dismiss this as a trick, but unless you genuinely love people and are comfortable in your own skin, it’s a really hard trick to pull off.”  Reading this article, I immediately thought of one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. Her name was Jodi and she was a high school friend of mine, and of everyone else’s. She has unfortunately passed away many, many years ago (she died soon after we graduated from high school), but I can still vividly picture Jodi’s sparkly eyes and her bright smile, to this very day. She was probably one of the most popular people in our high school, but not just with the popular crowd. Everyone loved Jodi and I believe that it was because when you were with her, she gave you her full, genuine attention. She was authentically responsive to everyone she met. She didn’t just put on a show. Jodi pulled you on stage, and made you part of her show. True charisma is responsiveness.

And here’s a final fun tip: Earlier this week I read a good article that compared our minds to overworked, overstressed, on-the-verge-of-burnout employees. We all have three elements to ourselves: Mind, Body, Spirit But we humans have a tendency to dump all of our decision making onto our poor, overworked, overstressed, overthinking, overanalyzing, on-the-verge-of-burnout Minds. Our Spirits are subtle. Our intuition rarely screams. Our Spirit prefers “subtle sparkle”, but it always knows what is best for us. And our Bodies are workhorses. Our Bodies go, go, go until they don’t have the choice but to finally scream out in pain. So, in order to give our Minds a break, and to give our Bodies and our Spirits the equal attention that they so full-heartedly deserve, here is interesting way to tune into what our Bodies and Spirits are trying to say to us. Use yourself as a human pendulum. Stand up and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Think of a decision which you are having trouble making, and form this decision as a “Yes/No” question. Now notice if your Body is leaning forwards or backwards. At this moment, your relaxed Body is listening to the “subtle sparkle” of your Spirit. If it leans forward, the answer to your question is “yes.” If your Body leans backwards, the answer to your question is “no.” Now, of course, your overstressed, overworked, over analytical Mind is going to try to immediately take over and call all of this nonsense, but teamwork is dreamwork. Don’t necessarily dismiss what your Mind tells you, but make sure that you don’t dismiss what your Body and your Spirit are trying to tell you either.

That’s all for today, friends. Have a wonderful weekend. Shine on.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

They Both Got Good Ones

This morning on a phone call:

Me: Did you hear that Dolly Parton’s husband died?

My husband: Yes, and when I saw that news I thought to myself, Kelly’s going to dive deep into that one.

He knows me so well. I had already read about a dozen articles about Dolly’s marriage and extremely private husband. They were supposedly opposites, but they loved each other’s company. Dolly called Carl Dean, her husband, her “best friend” and she said that they shared a naughty sense of humor. While Carl Dean hated the limelight and he was, in her words, more of a “loner”, he always supported her decision to be a country music star and everything that comes with that profession. Carl told her that he had picked her, not the lifestyle, and that he would always pick her for the rest of his life. In one video, Dolly (who met Carl Dean when she was just 18 years old, and married him at age 20) spoke of the great comfort it is to come home to someone who clearly knows you, and who loves you for exactly who you are, when everything else is stripped away.

My favorite quote about Dolly and Carl was from a reddit thread from a couple of years ago. One redditor simply said, “They both got good ones.” I think that sums it up perfectly. Maybe for some, that is all that there is, to the simplest, best formula for a happily ever after marriage.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thoughtful Thursday

Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.

The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”.  Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.” 

Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.

And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:

According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.

All the animals fled in terror

Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.

Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.

The Jaguar asked,
“What are you doing Hummingbird?

“I am going to the lake”,  he answered.
“I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”

The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”

“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.”
“But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that.
I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”

I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”

At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest. 

Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.

The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”

“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”

“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”

That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Find Your People

Happy Monday after the Super Bowl. I heard on the radio that this is the least productive day of the year. This is not surprising. I am only here being “productive” because I heard a song on one of our regional commercials, (Publix) during the Super Bowl that I had to look up. And now I MUST archive it here at the blog. I now have a new favorite band. Here is the song by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors:

Here are the lyrics:

You gotta find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
The kind you want to stay up with all night
You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel whole
That won’t leave your side when you lose control
The ones that don’t let you lose your soul

You gotta find your people
The ones that get the joke
Who understand what you’re saying before a word is spoke
You gotta find your people
That put the needle in the groove
When you’re together, you got nothing to prove
When you’re together, you got nothing to lose

In a world of strangers, you don’t know who to trust
All you see is danger, tryna find what you lost
You can’t go in alone, everybody needs help
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

You gotta find your people
That’ll call your bluff
Who’ll ride along when the road is rough
You gotta find your people
The ones that you feel equal
They pick you up and don’t put you down
Help you find your way in the lost and found

In a world of strangers, you don’t know who to trust
All you see is danger, tryna find what you lost
You can’t go in alone, everybody needs help
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

The ones that understand you
The ones that lend a hand to you
The ones that don’t demand anything from you

You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
That tell you the truth then wish you well
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

As I was researching this, I found out that this band has a lot of amazing songs with amazing lyrics. Listen to “Gratitude” and watch the lyrics. So good.

One of my favorite parts of life is the happy surprises and the least expected, unlikely discoveries that seem to come to you, just when you need them. I never dreamed that this year’s Super Bowl would help me to find a new favorite band. Score!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.