Tag: life

Thoughts for Thursday

+ I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating. Don’t question if something is normal. Instead ask the question, “Is this healthy?” Normal means “typical, standard, usual, expected,” according to the dictionary. Think about a lot of awful things that were once considered “normal.” Slavery. Smoking in airplanes. Women needing men to co-sign for loans. Lawn darts. . . . . The list goes on and on. Familiarity often breeds acceptance. When making decisions, plans, actions, always ask yourself, “Is this a healthy choice for me? Am I supporting something that is healthy?” Let “healthy” be your arbiter. “Normal” changes all of the time.

+ Joan Didion once said, “A writer is always selling somebody out.” I think this is the biggest struggle in writing. Even if you’re a novelist, you are still getting your ideas from observations and experiences from your real life. And your perception of things is your reality, even if others have a completely different perception. I never want to “sell anybody out.” Writing is my peace, not my weapon. It’s a fine line we writers walk. And now that there are so many forms of social media, I think that Joan Didion’s statement also applies. Kids can’t give their permission to air funny, embarrassing videos and antics. It’s a conundrum, for sure.

+ This is from a sign that I saw recently (it’s a good reminder. My grandmother used to always say “tend to your own knitting”): “Better worry about your own sins, ’cause God ain’t going to ask you about mine.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1714. Would you ever live in a treehouse?

Forgetfulness

I saw this poem the other day and I had the idea to keep it until Sunday (poetry day on the blog), but I feel like writing about this today. So I will. As I have entered into my fifties, I am more cognizant of everything that I forget. I’m actually pretty good with birthdays and anniversaries and taking out the trash days, mostly because I am obsessive about writing things down. I scare myself with the things that I do forget though. I instantly forget names of movies and books and the characters in them. I stumble with the words that I want to use when I am relaying a story in conversation, I forget the names of towns I have visited, I couldn’t tell you what cars my friends drive, and I often mix-up our kids’ and our dogs’ names when I am talking to them. But honestly, I think that I have always been that way. I really don’t believe that I am headed towards early dementia.

The things that I do recall clearly, are like they happened yesterday. I’ll recall a story someone had relayed to me years ago, and their mouths drop open. “I can’t believe you remembered that,” they’ll say. I remember the oddest things. I remember a lot of random moments, I guess because for some reason that moment struck me as emotional, or unusual, or important in some nuanced way. Most of us writers are curious. We are always looking to understand, to see the deeper meaning in things and experiences. Most of us writers are observers and “sensers” (not censors). We are always looking for the right words to describe the way things feel. We are a little possessed with the question, “Why?”

I wish that I could remember names and numbers and historical facts better than I do. But I’m grateful that I can remember how a moment felt, what was really being said behind what was being said, tiny trinkets and plants and artwork that marked both sets of my grandparents’ homes, and trivial stories told to me by strangers that turned out to have a lot more meaning to them, when I was willing to explore the plot twists.

My memory is fickle, but it is deeply entrenched in what is really important to me- the heartfelt connection we have with each other and with the Life Experience in general. My heart remembers better than my aging computer of a brain ever did, or ever will. And honestly, that’s all that really matters to me.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1394. What sound relaxes you?

This Mom

I’m going to a Celebration of Life on Friday, celebrating the life of the mother of a good friend of my daughter. My daughter’s friend and his sister played on the high school tennis team together, and he and my daughter have always traveled in the same social circles since high school and beyond. My heart is bleeding for this family.

I did not know this woman very well. We only saw each other at tennis matches, but she was always kind and easy to talk to, and she clearly enjoyed watching her children play tennis. She was one of “us” – moms doing our best to support our children in their activities and interests. Her life clearly centered around her family.

At Christmastime, my daughter told us that this family was so excited that this mom was going to make it to Christmas. She had incurable cancer and by all accounts, it was a miracle that she was going to make it to the end of the year. Her family was thrilled to get to celebrate the holidays with her.

Frequently throughout this year, I would ask my daughter if she had any news on this woman’s health, and the report always seemed to be that she was holding steady. She made it to her daughter’s high school graduation, and then sadly, a few weeks ago, she started rapidly declining. This mom died a little more than a week ago.

It did not surprise me that this mom found the strength to hold on until her youngest child’s graduation from high school. It’s what all of us moms want at the very least, right? We want to make sure that we have successfully “launched” all of our children into being capable adults. We want to see it to the end. It’s our purpose. It’s our duty. It’s our innate instinct. It’s honestly primal. I remember feeling the biggest sense of relief, when our youngest child, our daughter turned 18, and then graduated from high school. Of course, I also felt so much pride and love and all of the mixed-bag feelings that come with big events like these in life, but the “relief” was personal. It wasn’t relief in the sense that I didn’t really have to actively parent on a daily basis any longer (although that is its own special kind of exhalation), but it was more a sense of relief that I had achieved my duties. I had honored my commitments. That me, my husband and the divine forces that be, had gotten a new generation of our family to the starting gate of adulthood. I had completed the mission. I had finished the race.

When I have talked to friends about death, no woman I know seems to fear death. We do fear the death of our children. We do fear missing out on all of the vicarious joys our children will experience in their own lifetimes. My heart aches that this dear woman doesn’t get to go to the victory parties of her children’s weddings, witnessing the births of her grandchildren, growing old with her husband. She got the shaft. Her life got cut short from getting to enjoy the more relaxing “golden” years. Her family misses her and they will miss her for the rest of their lives. That hurts. But she still shines. She found the vital, unearthly strength inside of herself (which I think all of us mothers have been shocked to discover inside of our own selves, from time to time), to hold on for the final lap. She saw her daughter to the finish line. Now, she can rest in peace.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1535. How are you different from most people? (Let me the count the ways! wink wink)

Elegant Solutions

+ Yesterday I had a dentist appointment, I had dinner plans with a friend, dry cleaning to pick up, I had things to put away from the weekend, and I had groceries to get in for the week. Yesterday, I had structure in my day, and I got a lot accomplished. Today, my day is rather unstructured and I’m a mess. I’m flitting from one thing to another, leaving a trail of half-done chores and projects. I just spent 15 minutes looking for where I last put my coffee cup, and I’m just getting to writing the blog now. Sigh.

+ Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, celebrated the wedding of her son and his new bride recently. Oprah asked her readers to pass on advice to the happy couple. I skimmed through a lot of the same advice: healthy communication, being kind and thoughtful to each other, honoring commitment, don’t go to bed angry, etc. One piece of advice that stood out to me though was a reader who said, in the middle of a heated argument, to think or to even say out loud, “I love you more than this argument.”

+ I went to a flea market over the weekend and I saw this delightful sign: “Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy.” I also purchased this ceramic cork jar that had the words, “Elegant Solutions” engraved on it. I honestly bought the jar for the sentiment “Elegant Solutions”. I love the idea of elegant solutions to problems. “An elegant solution refers to a technical or scientific approach that efficiently addresses a problem while being both simple and effective. It often maximizes available resources or consolidates multiple steps, minimizing the complexity of the solution.” (DevX.com) In my life’s experience, when I have a problem, and I’ve done everything that I can do about it, and I finally “let go and let God”, things tend to turn out in the most unbelievably synchronistic, perfect, easy, simple, miraculous way. The Universe has the whole “Elegant Solutions” thing down pat.

+ My daughter is studying in England this summer. She and her friends, (background: all pretty much “type A” kids taking challenging classes, at a challenging university. For instance, while they are studying abroad, their new thing is to run three miles a day in Hyde Park. Fun. Whose kid is this? I won’t run to my mailbox.), they traveled to Barcelona, Spain last weekend and they loved it. They were incredibly impressed with the amazing architecture and the divine food and drink. However, they all agreed on one thing: “It was just too laid back there.” (Huh? Is that really an issue?) They all agreed that they were happy to get back to London and a faster pace. Moving right along . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1818. What technology advancement is overrated?

What Serves

One of my loyal, longtime readers, Kelly (thank you, Kelly!!!) added a comment on yesterday’s post that really spoke to me. In case that you missed it, she said that she was once advised to “Serve the soul, not the ego.” I love this. It could be a mantra. It could be turned into a question when making a decision. What serves my soul? What serves my ego? The things that serve our soul are what make us feel alive, purposeful, connected, authentic, attuned to our own intrinsic values and interests, timeless etc. The things that serve our ego are more about image, looks, awards, reputation, popularity, winning, comparison, etc. The things which serve our souls tend to be lasting. They are the “get down on my knees in gratitude” people, places, animals, vocations, healthy habits and boundaries, time in nature, experiences, etc. which we treasure in our lives and in our living experience. The things which serve our egos tend to be short-lived, often times hollow and disappointing when obtained or achieved, and many times cause us to go right on chasing the next greatest thing. Things which serve our souls, fill our holes. Things which serve our ego tend to be empty calories.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

640. What crime would you like to investigate?

Closed Doors

I read this prayer the other day. It really is beautiful:

Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions
I forgive myself.

I was flipping through podcasts yesterday as I was doing some household chores and I heard a man briefly talking about when we go through certain doors in life, once you go through these doors, they shut behind you and you cannot go back. “Coming of age” is one of those doors. Any major experience that has had a huge impact on our perspective of people, of ourselves, and of the world itself, is one of those heavy, ironclad doors. Because even if you call a master locksmith and you pry the door open, and you try to go back to where you came from, what you see behind the door, will not be the same. You don’t have the same eyes nor the same heart looking at the experience anymore. Sometimes we make really conscious decisions to reach for the heavy handle, and to walk through one of these doors, full well-knowing that we will never be the same, once we do it. Sometimes we are forced through these doors by experiences which we had no control over, and even if we bang and bang on the door, we cannot go back. It takes bravery to walk away into the future from closed doors. We do it a lot in life. We are brave beings. We journey forward, through winding paths between closed doors, one step at a time. Beautiful prayers ease the way.

Picture credit: Guillaume Issaly

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1028. What proved to be a game changer in your life?

Soul Sunday

Good morning and what a beautiful morning it is here. I wish the same for you. Sundays on the blog are devoted to the talk of the heart and soul (poetry). Listen to your heart and soul today. Write yourself a poem. Make a beautiful connection with yourself. Here is my poem for today:

This is peace.

Light snore of dogs.

Sunlit pattern on the floors.

Easy breezes in the palms.

Lightly tinkling wind chimes.

Easy breathing, no aches or pains.

Unscheduled time.

Choices in the pantry.

Unconflicted mind.

Worries in faraway closed, dark drawers.

Seeping gratitude for all of the love in my life.

This is peace.

Peace is this.

Peace is noticing the good.

And soaking it in.

Becoming one with it.

Peace is truth.

I am peace.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

785. Do you believe in aliens?

Footsies

credit: posted by Joseph Fasano on X

This one got to me. ^^^^ I guess it always comes down to being the light that we wish to see in the world. I’ve also read that it is interesting that we never question the Heavens as to why we have all the abundance and beauty and goodness and love that we experience on a daily basis. Perhaps we are all a little more spoiled and negative than we believe ourselves to be.

On Thursday and Friday, I finally got started on a thorough clean-out process I’ve been meaning to get to, since our daughter and youngest child left for college almost two years ago. (yes, I have procrastinated) Lately, while experiencing the empty nest phenomenon, a lot of our friends and family have been moving and downsizing and changing lifestyles, and while we have no plans to do anything like that yet, I have been envious about just how cleansing it feels when you move, and how during those times of moving homes, you get rid of a bunch of energy-clogging stuff. (We’ve lived in our current house for ten years, which is longer than we have lived anywhere.) Anyway, I started with my personal clothes closet and yesterday, I got really real with myself, and I gave away almost all of my beautiful high heeled shoes to Goodwill. (and there were a lot of pairs given away. I LOVE shoes) I had a lump in my throat. I used to joke that I had “Barbie feet” – they didn’t go flat. But it’s been a long time since I donned any of my truly high heels and they were collecting dust and clogging energy. It is time for them to go to a younger Barbie. As I asked my husband to help me to put the bag of shoes into the car to take to Goodwill, he noticed my “quiet” and he jokingly asked me not to cry on him. Then he gave me a hug and told me how sexy I am. This Barbie has a really good Ken. Ken stays.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1219. What one trait do you have that would make you a terrible boss? (Impatience. I’m not known for my patience, but I’m working on it.)

Accept It and Come Back

Recently I watched an inspiring video of the tennis great, Novak Djokovic being interviewed about the secret to his success. He said this: “If you lose your focus, if you know . . . . things start to go the wrong way for you, it’s fine. Accept it and come back. And I think that recovery of how long you stay in that emotion is what differentiates you from maybe others. I think the recovery is actually more important than working hard to stay in the present.”

I sent it to my youngest son who is a salesperson. In my way earlier younger years, I was in sales, too. There is a lot of rejection in sales. It can mire you down. But I believe what Djokovic says: feel the pain of rejection, accept it, and then get right back up into recovery mode.

Whatever is going on in your life, accept it. Face the reality of it. “It’s fine.” It’s life. But then put your energy into moving forward into recovery mode. As humans we tend to put a lot of energy in trying to keep things the way we think they should be: steady, problem-free and even-keel. But life doesn’t work that way. And so then we extend a lot of irritated energy into complaining about all of the things that we can’t control in life. As time has proven to us, again and again and again, a lot of life is out of our control. Like Djokovic says, “It’s fine.” It’s life. “Accept it and come back.” Put faith in what you can control which is your attitude and your belief in yourself that you can face and recover from any adversity. You have the tools. Accept it and come back. Accept it and come back. Accept it and come back.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2614. Are you a hypochondriac – or the opposite?

Tuesday Muse-day

Happy Passover to my Jewish friends and readers!

+ I watched an Oprah special recently where she mentioned that an expert told her that when we enter the empty nest, we go from the role of “manager” to the role of “consultant”. It’s a tough transition, sometimes. When we were managers, our children had to take our direction, or face the “dire” (tongue-in-cheek) consequences. As their consultants, they can choose to follow our directions or not. As I have been transformed into a “consultant” for a while now (our eldest son is 28), I am often pleasantly surprised to see two things: My adult children actually seem to (sometimes) want my advice, and sometimes they even actually follow it. And even better: My children sometimes don’t follow my advice, and as the results show, their own decisions were the right ones to make. It’s good to see that my babies have good minds of their own.

+ I love this quote that I read yesterday. I think that it describes the idea of “free will” better than any other way I have seen it written or explained. “Somewhere inside we hear a voice. It leads us into the direction of the person we wish to become. But it is up to us whether or not to follow.” – Pat Tillman (who left the NFL to serve in Afghanistan, where he died in 2004)

+ “Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

Today’s a seriously serious Full Moon. It’s in Scorpio which is a sign that goes deep and gets real. It’s never afraid to look into the dark shadows. The ancients believed that full moons were times of deep transformation and letting go of what no longer serves you. Scorpio is associated with the phoenix rising from the ashes. This is a perfect day to figure out what needs to be let go of, or transformed in your own life. What activities and experiences (people, places and things) in your own life give you inspiring, loving life energy, and which of these things deplete your life energy and make you feel small? Perhaps making a list of your energy givers, versus your energy depleters will help you to get real with where transformation and change is needed, in order to fill your life with more that “fills” you. Listen deeply for that voice inside of you to shed light on the shadows. Then make small changes in the direction towards the person you wish to become.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

948. Do you spend too much time pleasing others to your own detriment?