Tag: Quora

Boys to Men

In the interest of time this morning, I am going to re-publish another one of my answers to a question on Quora, that seems to have resonated with people:

The question: Women who have had a son, has having a son changed the way you view men and boys? If so, in what ways?

“I am a mother of four children, three of them are young men. I was not raised with brothers. I have one younger sister. In short, in my younger years, men were more of a mystery to me. Then, my three sons came along.

I have found, by raising sons, that I am much more empathetic and sympathetic towards men than I have ever been before. I KNOW that men are much more vulnerable, and caring, than they ever want to pretend to be. I have stopped seeing men as so “simple.” I used to think that we women were so complicated and men were more basic in their needs and wants, but now I see how much more alike all of us really are, in just our genuine humanity.

I’ve always liked men. I have experienced mostly good men in my lifetime. My sons have deepened my affection and my understanding of men. Through me and their sister, I want my sons to experience the best side of women. I know that their experiences with me, will have a big influence on how they “see” women as a whole. I want my sons to respect women, care about women and see us as equals, so I am conscious of that when I interact with them. I also want them to have enough self-respect, to choose kind, considerate, loving women as their partners and friends.

In the end, I have tried to raise all of my children, my sons and my daughter, with self-assurance, self-respect and kindness and consideration for all other living beings. My sons are a little bigger, a little “smellier”, a little louder, and they eat a little bit more than their sister does, but underneath it all, they are four beautiful souls, trying to make their way in an expansive, wondrous, sometimes confusing and scary, but always interesting world. And they are forging their way through this, all in their own unique ways, no matter what their sexual make-up. Of course, it goes without saying each one of them is carrying an equal quarter of my heart with them, on their journeys.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday’s Journey

Okay, this is the part where you, my dear darling readers go, “Oh crap, she’s going to get serious on a Friday post. That’s not why I came here today.” But this is important for me to say. (sorry, not sorry) This morning I woke up to the sound of texts going off. One of my friends from college let us know that the husband of one of our sorority sisters had died by suicide a few days ago. He was a well-loved, successful doctor and a dedicated family man. They were known to post many of their family thrills and adventures on Facebook. Unfortunately suicide is more common than I ever wanted to believe. In the last few years, our own family has experienced suicide with two of our extended family members. This breaks my heart to hear of yet another tragic suicide.

Do you know why I write Friday posts? I write them because they are reminders that we don’t always have to stay in the mindspace of sad and serious and overwhelment and stress all of the time. We are allowed to, and we need to feel joy in all of the little “frivolous” things that bring smiles to our faces and to our hearts. Honestly the constant flow of the small joys is what is often more fulfilling and nourishing and sustaining for us, than the every once in a while, “Great Big Exciting Thing.” It is important for us to seek out and to savor the things which give us a sense of joy, and comfort, and interest, and amazement on a daily basis.

For a time, particularly during the shutdown of the pandemic, I answered a lot of questions on Quora. A while back, one person asked me to answer this question: What makes the journey worthwhile? and I got notice this morning that someone had “upvoted” my answer today. I don’t believe in coincidences. Here is my answer.

What makes the journey worthwhile?

“What activity/talent/passion do you do, that makes time stop for you? What activity gets you so engrossed in it, that you almost have an out of body experience while doing it?

These activities make the journey worthwhile.

What experiences have you had in nature that have literally taken your breath way? What things have seen in the natural world that had you so awe-struck that you had to ask yourself, if what you were witnessing, could possibly be real?

These experiences in nature make the journey worthwhile.

Who do you love so much, that when you look into their eyes you see both a mirror of yourself and the light of their own soul, all merged together, in such a way that this intimate connection sometimes actually brings you to tears?

These intimate connections with people/pets who you love, make the journey worthwhile.

What creations have you witnessed in art form, in architectural form, in musical form, in physical form, in written form, in acting form, that are so impossibly amazing and beautiful that it makes you proud to be part of the human race, who created them?

These creations make the journey worthwhile.

What little parts of your morning or daily routines, have you excitedly waking up, looking forward to doing, for the comfort and the structure and the security that they bring to your everyday existence?

These little comforts make the journey worthwhile.

What adversities have you triumphed over, that have added a level of strength and resilience and acceptance to your character that you never thought was possible?

These adversities make the journey worthwhile.

What food have you tasted, scent have you smelled, sound that you have heard, material have you felt, visions have you seen, and intuitions have you felt, can you still conjure up in your mind, because that particular experience was truly that overwhelmingly magnificent?

Your senses and the sensual experiences of life, make the journey worthwhile.

I think honestly, the original question is rather pointless. My question for you is this:

What DOESN’T make the journey worthwhile?”

And, friends, because I don’t like to disappoint you, my favorite for today is Happiness in a bottle, literally. This is an essential oil in a tiny little bottle made by a company called Earth Luxe. Supposedly the oil is an infusion of mandarin orange, vanilla and ginger. I’ve already sprayed so much Happiness in my writing nook that I have gone through two bottles of Happiness. Don’t we all deserve Happiness??

Have a great weekend. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here She Goes Again

I have a very busy day ahead, so I am taking the lazy way out. A couple of months ago, I answered a question on Quora, that has gotten a fair amount of positive attention. It relates to aging. So now people ask me all sorts of questions on Quora, all related to being old. It’s a little depressing, at the YOUTHFUL age of 48, to be considered old. I read this quote in Mister Roger’s book, The World According to Mr. Rogers. I liked this take on aging:

“All life events are formative. All contribute to what we become, year by year, as we go on growing. As my friend the poet Kenneth Koch once said, ‘You aren’t the age you are. You are all the ages you have ever been!’ “

Please forgive my redundancy if you have already read this answer on Quora. Here it is:

What screams “I’m getting older”?

When I was younger, I swore to myself that I would never be one of those “old fogies” who made cracks about the strangeness and ridiculousness of the younger generations. I have always prided myself on being open minded and I want to remain that way.

Still, as I age, I have found myself having to bite my tongue, more and more, on situations, attitudes, and proclivities of the younger generations. I have to remind myself more and more that the older generations felt the very same way about me and my generation, and I think my generation is just dandy. I guess it is that arrogant, condescending demeanor that I think can sometimes be a dead giveaway that screams, “I’m getting older.” It also screams of fear of change and a need for control.

That being said, trying to be part of the younger generations, just to prove that you are still “with it” and “hip” (those words probably age me right now, I know), like for instance, getting a bunch of tattoos, not because you want the tattoos, but you want people to think you are young at heart, also screams “I’m getting older”. These rash actions also scream, “And I’m Desperate to Stop Getting Older!”

The people who I like best, no matter what their age, are those people who are very comfortable in their own skin. They don’t need everyone to agree with their choices, and their likes and dislikes. They have a “live and let live attitude” and they wear their attitude with a lot of zest. These people age best, in my opinion.

Talking ‘Bout My Generation

I wrote an answer, not too long ago, on Quora that seemed to resonate with people and now unfortunately, some people have mistaken me as some sort of an “expert on aging.” Almost every morning someone poses a question to me, about being old. I’m not sure that I am ready, mentally or emotionally, for the “wise old lady” reputation. I mean I’m only 48, for goodness sake! Still, Quora fits my “know-it-all”, “let’s sit around and philosophize about life” personality to a tee, and I have a hard time not answering questions, which people have asked me to answer. Today, someone asked me to answer a question on how old people feel about the younger generations having it easier than we did. This was my answer:

This question is written with the assumption that the younger generations DO actually have it easier than we do and I do not necessarily believe that statement. I think that whenever we compare generations, we are already starting with faulty premises, because it is not a level playing field. It is always comparing apples to oranges because the circumstances each generation are born into are always different i.e., technology, leaders, economics, social movements, world problems, health issues etc. etc.

I have four children ages 15–23. In some ways their childhoods were easier than mine, but in other ways, I think that they had it harder. I think there seems to be more pressure for kids to succeed in school and in sports, at levels that are insanely difficult, compared to when I was a kid. Further, the fear from violence in our society has been taken to whole new levels. When I was a kid, you could still meet your loved ones at the gate when they were getting off of an airplane, without even going through security. The only drills we ever had in school were sporadic fire drills. These negative changes, make me sad for the younger generations and sad that our previous generations have allowed these situations to spiral.

I believe that the duty of any generation is for the individuals in that generation to be the best individual version of themselves, and to foster their own individual talents and gifts, to the highest degree, so in turn, a world of inspiration, beauty and wonder is being passed on to the next ones, inspiring them to do the same. This is the only way that this world will elevate and prosper. That is the sacred duty of all of us, regardless of what generation we were born into in our lifetimes.

Now, in all fairness, I am not the only “old lady guru” on Quora. In fact, this answer had over 100 other answers from other “gurus”. I never read the other answers on Quora’s questions before I answer a question, because I don’t want to be influenced by other people’s answers. However, I do read the answers after I have written and posted my answer. What made me sad about this question/answer was that most of the 100+ “answerers” felt the same way as I do. The conclusion seemed unanimous: Our younger generations don’t really have it as good as we did, in many, many ways. What does that say about us???

What is the Question?

To work on and practice my writing, I starting answering some questions on Quora. Today, I was flattered to have someone ask me, specifically, a direct question. I started to question in my mind, why they wanted me to answer their question. Most questions are Quora are not black and white. Some people post riddle-like, mathematical equation type questions that I suppose may have factual, right or wrong answers. Still, most of Quora seems to be more philosophical, “from your life experience”, what is your opinion on such-and-such topic?

I didn’t reach out to the person asking me the question, but I have to assume that she must have liked some of my previous answers and thus thought that I might have some good wisdom to share for her query. This reminded me of this quote I read a while back:

“People sometimes say be honest when they really mean validate me.” – Holiday Mathis

That statement is a hard truth, isn’t it? There are very few people in your life who will give you their complete, unvarnished truth, as they see it. The older that I get, the more I value these people in my life, even if I want to slap them silly, first. A book that I just finished and recommend reading, called Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb, describes therapists’ work as the intricate process of supporting patients, while confronting them at the same time. That must be almost impossible work. Talk about a tight rope act.

Along these same lines, I love this:

Image result for discussions are always better than arguments

Have a wonderful weekend, my treasured friends. My prayers and thoughts are going out to all of us, but are particularly intense for those of you who are going through some of life’s tougher uncertainties and situations that cause fear, pain and grief. You’ve got my arms around you from afar. See you tomorrow!

All is Well

As I turned on my computer, a Quora pop-up appeared with “a question for the day.”  Someone had written, “I’m 25-years-old.  What should I do with my life?”  I chuckled to myself.  I was tempted to write back, “I’m 47-years-old.  What should I do with mine?”

I remember how stressful it was to be young and have that whole huge blank slate of life stretching out in front of you.  Your life is so structured as a child and a student and then all of the sudden it isn’t.  I think that we go through periods of life where we pick a certain path and we feel that comfort and confinement of structure.  We get married, start families, start career paths that feel comfortable and we take that direction for a while until something, either inside of us or outside of us, or sometimes both, disrupts our current path and brings us back to that question, “What should I do with my life?”

I commiserate with the author of that question.  He or she is wanting definiteness.  He or she is wanting “the rule book of life”, with guaranteed results.  We all think that we want that, especially in scary times of unrest, with all of the negative news swarming around us, creating fear and uncertainty at every turn.   Reality is though, a great, big fun part of life is the unknown, the possibilities and the surprises.  Alice Sebold wrote, “Sometimes the dreams that come true, are the ones you never even knew you had.”

There are no “shoulds” in life.  Other people may try to “should” on you.  You may “should” on yourself, but reality is, there are no “shoulds.”  There are consequences to every action.  Good consequences and less than good consequences come from every choice that we make, but in reality there are no “shoulds.”  Depending on how you look at that statement, that can be freeing or scary as hell.

As a mother of young twenty-somethings, I wish I could wrap them and the Quora question-asker, and all of us, in my arms and say, “Just live.  Just be.  Follow your inclinations, passions, and interests and see where they take you.  Be kind and loving to all people, and all things and remember that includes yourself.  Trust in the forces bigger than you, remembering that you have limited vision of the bigger, unfolding picture.  All is well, even when it doesn’t feel that way.”

I think that there are giant, strong arms and wings wrapped around all of us, whispering these very words in our ears.  We just forget to listen to the whispers sometimes when the world is so loud and busy and full of unrest.  All is well, though.  All is well.