I’m a spongy person. I have the tendency to feel and to absorb everybody else’s emotions besides just my own. (I think this is very common in us mom-types) Yesterday was a doozy for my sponginess. It seemed so many of my loved ones were having big ups and downs, and I got on that roller coaster with them. My husband was hangry (hungry and thus, angry), my son was deeply disappointed over a test grade, my daughter was over-the-moon excited about finding her college roommate, and my sister was distraught. And I gathered that whole mix of other people’s emotion into my body, and stirred it up and I let it stew. And that’s on me.
I know that I have this tendency to take on other people’s emotions. And while it seems “nice” and full of empathy, it honestly isn’t helpful for any of us. Two frenzied worked-up people equals a lot more chaos than just one upset person. Nothing is getting solved and no one is being helped. And in the end, taking on too many swirling emotions, on top of your own mix of emotions, can lead to fatigue, resentment and even sickness.
I’ve learned a lot about noticing this phenomenon with our three dogs. When one of our dogs gets worked up, before you know it, all three have “caught” the excitement and they all end up in a hyperactive tiz. The only way to calm this situation in a hurry, is to become calm and quiet and centered myself. Dogs understand and relate to and respond to this peaceful, confident energy. Our trainer told us that our sweet, gentle collie is the leader of our pack of three dogs, and it is not because she is big (Ralphie is bigger) or because she is the only female. It is because Josie has the calmest, most centered energy of the three of them.
It helps to have the self-awareness to know that I have this tendency to take other people’s feelings on. It helps me to notice when I am falling into this habit. This is when I take a deep breath in order to ground myself. Then, I can remind myself that this feeling is not actually my own feeling, and whatever strong emotions my loved ones are feeling, these feelings will pass, just like mine do, on a regular basis. It is also my job to put boundaries on any conversations or situations that I am finding to be taxing, upsetting or draining. I have the right to stop a conversation, or to keep it to texts, or to keep it to a certain time limit. When I bring a calm reassurance that my people will be able to handle whatever they are dealing with, this is what is most helpful to all of us. Getting overly involved in other people’s issues may mean that I am avoiding or not spending enough time on my own matters of business, problems and dreams. My life, my feelings, and my actions are my responsibility. Others carry that same responsibility for their feelings, their own actions, and their individual lives. By tending to my “own stuff”, I take that burden of worry from other people, and I can inspire them by example to know that they are fully capable of taking care of their “own stuff”, too.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Fast approaching, is the end of the first half of my adult life, which I mainly devoted to taking care of my family. My daughter has decided to start college in the summer term, so by the end of this June, 26 years of parenting and 12 years of supporting high school activities, sports, and guiding our four children into their own burgeoning adulthoods, is about to come to a close. All of us parents know that we will be parents for life, but the hands-on, main focus, every day sort of parenting which I have done for most of my adult life, is coming really close to coming to its own close, in a matter of a few short months. I’ve brought this up on the blog before, but it bears repeating. I am now constantly reiterating to myself a mantra that I oft repeated to our kids, throughout their childhoods. FinishStrong. Whether it was pertaining to a school year, a class, a sports season, a race, healing from an injury, an essay, an exam, etc. the directions I gave were simple: Finish Strong.
So, during these last few weeks I have been busy putting celebratory dates on the calendar. I have been busy with planning, and spouting lots of last minute advice to my daughter with hopes that I am not forgetting anything important and pertinent. I have been busy savoring the last high school tennis season (actually the last high school sports season which I will ever attend regularly). Overall, I have been busy with working on the finishing touches and flourishes of the final chapter of Volume 1, of my own Adulthood Saga.
At times, my busy mind has veered into trying to goad me into making a firm outline, in order to carefully plan Volume 2 of my Adulthood Saga. My Inner Control Freak sometimes goes into panic mode, and she makes me feel like we had better get going, in order to be well-prepared, organized and energized for Chapter One of Volume 2. My Inner Control Freak is telling me that Volume 2 is right around the corner and it has got to be great, fulfilling, amazing and ready at the start. “Focus on the Future!!’ she screams. But my wiser, calmer, most intuitive self, says, “Woah, Nelly. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just focus on the tasks at hand. All that you need to do right now is to Finish Strong. Volume 2 will take care of itself, in many, many ways, just like Volume 1 did, when you reflect back on it.”
I am proud of Volume 1 of my Adulthood. The protagonist is an interesting character. She has grown a lot. She has lived a lot of her goals and her dreams and her plans, and yet she has also been open enough to take some new directions that life’s storms and surprises have imposed upon her. She is about to put the finishing touches on the first half of her adult life. She is proud of her accomplishments, achievements, and evolvement. She has learned from many mistakes, and she realizes that she is strong, and resilient and open-minded enough to learn from the future lessons that are bound to arrive in Volume 2. Mostly, though, the protagonist, while closing out the first volume of her adult life, is in savor mode. She is savoring what she has created for herself, what she has co-created with others, and she is grateful. So very grateful. And in that spirit of thankfulness, and brimming with love and awe, she is doing what she must do. She is finishing strong.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
How can you not be in awe of Dolly Parton?! Besides her amazing creative talents, and her dedication to being purely and authentically herself, she has given millions away to pay for books for children, college educations for her employees, and for vaccine development during this heart wrenching pandemic. And yet Dolly remains humble, grateful, thoughtful and down-to-earth.
I think that this fan’s tweet, says it best:
“There is a Dolly Parton hall of fameand it’s the planet earth. Love you.”tanya tagaq@tagaq
In times of strife, the cream rises to the top. We love to focus on the villains and the bad guys, but just for today, let’s just be in awe of the people who make this world a better place. Let’s focus on the real-life superheroes who are all around us, making this world inspirational, hopeful and even more beautiful. Don’t focus on flaws. Don’t start with “yeah, but”. We’re humans. We’re all flawed. But there are certain people who have an incredible knack for doing what is in their hearts to do, and they make it happen. Make your list today of people who are alive today, who make you want to become a better version of yourself. Is it the Ukrainians? Is it Zelenskyy? Is it Dolly? Is it your neighbor? Your sister? Your mother? Your child? Your friend? Your doctor? Your teacher? Doesn’t just thinking about these people fill your heart with so much pride and hope and enthusiasm for life, and for all that this world is capable to be??? Think of moments in your own life that you stood up to the challenge, and you put out the best version of yourself, just because you felt the need and the drive and the inspiration to do so. These moments were not only your gift to yourself, but also your gift to the entire world. Don’t be stingy. Give us more of your truest, kindest, purest, heartfelt self. If we all did this on a regular basis, just imagine how fantastically beautiful this world would be. It is people like Dolly Parton who give us a hopeful glimpse.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I think that the above meme has become particularly more applicable to me as I have gotten older. It really does stress me to have more than one important thing to do on any particular day. I have the tendency to over-exaggerate the importance and the relevance on any “big, BIG, BIG” event on any one specific day. Interestingly, my twenty-something sons and I are complete polar opposites in this regard. My sons try to pack in as much other stuff that they possibly can before “The Appointment” and then to come screeching into “The Appointment” huffing and puffing, breaking speed limits, with no seconds to spare, all of the while trying to pull off an air of complete badass nonchalance. It makes for a really fun family dynamic amongst us at times. If this sensation were a perfume it would be called, “Tension in Ze Aire.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I don’t remember the exact quote, but on Twitter the other day, someone tweeted something along these lines:
“The problem with being a good listener is that people don’t know when to STFU.”
There were many, many likes to this statement. I, myself, am just an average listener. It is something that I have had to work on over the years. I have a tendency to get excited and to interrupt. That being said, I’ve always tried to be cognizant of not holding people as my captive audiences. Nobody wants to be talked AT. People want you to show genuine, reciprocal interest in their lives, as well.
People who are really good listeners are probably among the most used and abused people in this world. They are so rare, that once we have one in our realm, we all tend to assume that they like being our sounding boards, and we lap up their rapt attention to our own showboating. Recently, I’ve been trying to engage the best listeners in my own life, to talk more about themselves. Because honestly, in my experience, the people who don’t talk that much, when they finally do say something, it tends to be profound. Also, the problem with excellent listeners is that they are usually the more “quiet” people in our lives. And when the quiet people get fed up with the rest of us more flamboyant ones, they tend to exit quietly. They don’t slam doors. They don’t demand equal attention. The good listeners just silently and slowly pull back and slide away. And their loss in our lives is a great one, because they are such rare gems. What best listener in your own life deserves more of your attention? Can you ask them questions without interjecting stories about your own life? You don’t have to “charm” an excellent listener. They are already charmed by you. They have shown it to you, again and again and again. Give their ears a break. This action will be the best thing that you have done for both of you, in a long, long time. There is no better way to show appreciation to the good listeners in your life, than to actively and earnestly listen to them.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I can honestly say that any time I have dealt with a personal challenge or tragedy, I have come out, at the other side of it all, as a person with more depth. I like who I am now much better, having bore the brunt of scars and pain and fear from any of the struggles which I have experienced and I have survived, and even sometimes thrived through. I believe that all of our experiences, whether we deem them “good” or “bad” have brought beautiful hues and nuances to our overall beings, making us deeper, more interesting, more reflective, more empathetic, stronger and yet more sensitive, all at the same time. Our experiences and our reactions and responses to our experiences hone our creativity and our understanding of Love, like nothing else does.
Our collective humanity has been going through a shitstorm (for lack of a better word) in these last few years. We are taking our licks and we have been forced to watch the people whom we love and care about, take their own licks, which is sometimes even more painful than bearing our own wounds. There was another generation, that comes to mind, whose some members are even still alive. This generation absolutely got more than their fair share of tumult and pandemonium to deal with in their own young lives. They experienced World Wars, and the Great Depression, and The Holocaust and vast discrimination, without many of the technological advances, and the medical advances, and the rights, and the comforts and the conveniences that we so easily take for granted today. They are called “The Greatest Generation.” This Greatest Generation is widely known for their collective character, their foresight, their sacrifices for the greatest good of all, their work ethic, their integrity, and their commitment and loyalty to their people and their causes.
I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten the naïve, sometimes selfish, sometimes impulsive, uninformed, judgmental, know-it-all younger versions of myself. My life experiences have shaped me into a more authentic, honest, patient, introspective, self-aware person than I started out to be and I hope that I continue to grow in that direction, until my last living breath. I hate what we are experiencing right now in this world of the pandemic, fractured politics and crimes against humanity. However, I also have no doubt that it is fire that forges steel. I believe with all of my heart, that it is often the worst of circumstances that can bring out the best of humanity and of creation. I think that our world would definitely benefit from “The Greatest Generation” Version 2.0. Don’t you?
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
In the matter of less than six months, three members of our combined extended families have lost their spouses to sudden deaths. All three of these people who died were in their fifties and younger. This has been a lot to consider and to digest and to process. It has been a stark reminder to me of just how short life really is, and how important it is to savor all of it. In times of sorrow and of pain and of uncertainty, which since the pandemic started, seems to be more of the norm than it ever was before (at least in my own life), it really helps to be reminded of all of the good and the love and the wonder that still surrounds us. These two recent news stories filled me with hope for humanity.
The first was the story of the Polish women who left their strollers waiting for the Ukrainian refugee mothers who were coming into Poland, at the train station platforms. I am sure seeing those strollers meant so much more to these refugee mothers, than just the use of much needed baby strollers. It was a message of hope, and of love, and of empathy, and of unity, like nothing that we could ever convey in words:
The second inspiring news story is about a hotline created by a couple of teachers and their elementary students to uplift people who need to feel some hope and some joy. It is called “Peptoc.” I called the number this morning and I picked the option to hear children’s laughter. Is there a more beautiful sound in this world? I think not. The number is here: 707-998-8410 I may keep it on speed dial. Here is the article:
There is nothing stronger in this world, yet paradoxically more vulnerable than a mother’s heart. A mother’s heart holds so much. It holds so much love and pride and vision and fear and worry and resilience and a load full of understanding and empathy for all of the other mothers’ hearts. A mother’s heart rarely breaks, because it can’t. Mothers’ hearts are the webbing of humanity’s entire existence and this webbing cannot afford too many bottomless holes of despair. My prayer is for all of the hearts, of all of the mothers. May those of us who are stronger and safer right now, keep the beat for the other mothers’ hearts who are bleeding down to a faintly beat.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning, friends. Happy Friday! Happy Favorite Things Friday!! The above picture is from one of my only two favorites for the day. That picture above is of Apollo, who is an orphaned black rhino. Due to poaching and hunting, there are only about 5,000 wild black rhinos left in the world. Apollo is taken care of by the Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, an organization that is dedicated to taking care of orphaned elephants and rhinos, in order that they can be released back into the natural world, to be wild and free. Learn all about the Sheldrick Wildlife Trust here, at their website and watch their delightful videos of the precious, resilient, tough, very much alive orphans. https://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org/
In times of trouble, I find so much solace in animals and in nature. Don’t you?
Remember, little ones have big hearts. Little ones are amazingly resilient, resourceful and full of life. It’s hard to keep little ones down. Little ones are our future. Let’s all do everything that we can do, to make sure that it is a beautiful future worth having.
“And though she be but little, she is fierce.”
– William Shakespeare
“Mighty things from small beginnings grow.”
– John Dryden
“The world is moved along by tiny pushes of each honest worker.”
– Helen Keller
“Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut, that held its ground.”
– David Icke
And this is my new favorite song. (I find a lot of solace in music, too. Don’t you?) This song is a lovely way to bring in the weekend. Have a wonderful weekend. We’re all under the same sun.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“I’ve asked many, many clients to name their personal strengths and it surprises me how many people don’t know them — or don’t consciously use them. They just leave them lying in a drawer, which is such a waste.
Our strengths — the things we’re good at (whether they’re innate or a skill we’ve developed) — are what make us unique in the world. And when we bring those strengths together, magic can happen.
So test yourself: Make sure you can name your top three strengths – along with recent evidence that you’ve used them.” – Karen Nimmo
Yesterday I wrote about an article that I had read by Karen Nimmo, a writer and a psychologist from New Zealand. The above excerpt was also in her article, and honestly, it made me do a lot of thinking and pondering. I’m going to spend a little more time with this challenge today, for myself, and I hope that you will do the same.
It is easy to point out other people’s strengths, but it really can be a lot harder to admit our own strengths. Sadly, I imagine that most of us could quickly make a list of our “faults” a lot easier than we could proudly list the things in which we are good at doing in this world. Sometimes, it seems that we have taken this lesson in humility, a tad too far.
Today, I am going to take Karen Nimmo’s challenge and I am going to spend some time listing my strengths. I am then going to narrow these strengths down to my top three. I may even make a list of some of my “faults”, in order to make myself feel comfortable, honest, and humble. I won’t be doing this on the blog, or any other public forum. This list will be between me, myself and I.
I think that it is quite important to know what we are good at, and how we can best contribute to our shared world. Imagine if we were in a dire place, such as in Ukraine right now. It is vital for the leaders of the country and of the military to understand and to play to their best of each of their strengths. Who is the best strategic planner? Who is the best fighter? Who is the best negotiator? Who is the best communicator? Who has the best ability to keep the morale of the people and the soldiers alive and inspired?
While I think that it can be useful to focus on our top three strengths, I believe that an honest inventory of all of our abilities and talents (even the ones which are unusual and easy to overlook) can give us a real overall picture of who we are, and why we should feel confident and purposeful and important to the overall scheme of things. Strengths come in all sorts of packages. For instance, my husband has this uncanny, unstudied ability to find things. If something is lost, 99 percent of the time, I know that my husband will find it. He has found jewelry at the bottom of large public swimming pools, long lost mobile phones in thick national forests, and my father’s glasses in the deep sand covered by the waves at the beach. The other day, I lost a small stud earring and try as I might, I couldn’t find it. I didn’t even mention it to my husband. As I was brushing my teeth, I noticed that my husband had placed the earring, which he had found, right by my sink. And I already knew that this would likely happen. I had comforted myself with that thought, earlier in the day.
From time to time, traits that are sometimes considered to be “faults” can also be our strongest assets. This is another reason why I think that a personal inventory of our strengths and our weaknesses can be extremely helpful in getting to know ourselves and our purposes better. There is a young man on my daughter’s tennis team who is on the spectrum for autism. His matter-of-fact personality is very much in line with Sheldon Cooper’s personality, from the TV show, “The Big Bang Theory.” I have found this young man’s candor to be off-putting at times (which says a lot, because I tend to be a blunt cookie myself). Sadly, I imagine that this trait of his, may have made him a victim of unfortunate bullying, from time to time. However, the other day when my daughter was playing an opponent, her opponent called my daughter’s serve out (and this player had done this a few times, making calls which seemed questionable to me). There are no referees at high school tennis matches in our area, so the players’ calls stand. I didn’t think that my daughter’s serve was out at all, but I kept mum. I didn’t want to be one of those hysterical, sideline stage moms (on that particular day, anyway, plus my daughter was handedly winning). My daughter’s Sheldon Cooper-ish teammate did not keep quiet though. Without anger, but with a clear and direct confidence, he loudly announced to my daughter’s opponent, “Just so you know, that ball wasn’t out at all. Be careful with your calls.” The opponent embarrassingly mumbled an apology, and she didn’t make any bad calls, after our team’s own Sheldon outed the player on what may have been her intentional cheating. After the game, I thanked my daughter’s teammate for standing up for my daughter, and I told him how impressed I was that he had the courage to do that act, and to do it without anger, and yet with no hesitation. He said matter-of-factly, but with a proud smile, “Well, the ball was very much in.”
Knowing your strengths and playing to them is vital to your family and to your job and to any entity that you are involved with, in order to make the most positive impact on our shared world. One of my dear friends works as a director at her church. She was telling me that they are starting a new program to help parents of special needs kids get a break, for a few hours once a week. There are so few of these programs around, that parents are willing to drive for over an hour, in order to drop their children at a safe, comforting space, so that the exhausted parents can get a few hours to themselves to regroup, and to run errands that otherwise might be too challenging to do with a special needs child in tow. My friend is a compassionate, smart, and lovely person. She is easily one of the most organized people whom I have ever met. I asked her if she was going to be one of the caretakers of the special needs children. “No, that’s not my strength,” she said to me. “But I will have the program up and running soon, with the right people in place, because it is such a needed ministry.” And there is no doubt in my mind that she will do this, and it will be amazing. God/Universe/Creation is using her strengths for Divine work.
Today, or sometime soon, I challenge you to take Karen Nimmo’s advice, and at the very least, list your three best strengths. Get reacquainted with yourself. Get reacquainted with your unique qualities which make you such a special and needed thread in our immense, beautiful, shared quilt of Life. By knowing yourself, you best understand your own purposes, and your life becomes more meaningful to you and to others, more than it ever has before.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
