friends Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Being It

The son of one of my best friends from college is getting married tomorrow. He is the first of our group of friends’ babies to get married. It feels surreal. As you age, you get little markers along the way, reminding you that you are aging. (a lot of these markers have landed on my face in the form of wrinkles and bags) But every once in awhile, as you are moving along your life, you get big flashing lights that are determined to get your attention. They seem to scream: “You, my friend, are definitely in a different era of your life!”

I remember clearly going to this young man’s parents’ wedding. We all went to college together. There were a slew of weddings back then. And then, after a while, there weren’t many weddings to attend at all. Everything evolved to baby showers. And then there was a long period of supporting each other as we raised our families, sharing our joys and our griefs along the way. And not too many years ago, the graduation notices of the children of my friends starting coming into the mailbox more and more frequently. The Christmas cards we receive every year seem to have more wedding pictures on them, and now the darling babies featured on the front on the cards are often the adored grandbabies of our friends.

It is not lost on me that the major milestones that mark the turning of the seasons of our lives, are the milestones that show where all of our loving energy has been invested. The milestones in our lives show the growth of our relationships and of our endeavors, and the branches of where our lives have grown and spread. I’m not sad that I am crossing into this new era of my life. I am perhaps a little (naively) surprised, but I am not sad. I delight in everything that I have experienced and grown wiser about in my life. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful to share this journey with others who help me to reflect on, and help me to realize all that life really is, which is to say, can mostly be whittled down to one pure thing – experiencing, living, and being Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2101. Can you do any fake accents? If so, which one? (This reminds me of a “No Horse Pucky” story. Let me start by saying that my husband and I have power of attorney for each other, and I handle all of our monthly bills. One month, there was a problem on one of my husband’s credit card statements that I was trying to get rectified. The customer service people told me that my husband would have to call about it, but my husband was out of the country on business. So, I thought to myself, “I’ll just lower my voice and pretend to be my husband.” Simple. Problem solved. I practiced a few times and I called back. I did my spiel in my “man voice.” The patient customer service person listened and then said to me, “Ma’am, we really are going to need to speak to your husband.” So fake man accent, is clearly not one of my talents.)

Allies and Advocates

I recently read an article by an author who has written several books. She says that when a person asks her, “How do you write a book?”, she says that the best way to do it, is to tell people that you are writing a book. It keeps you accountable, especially if you tell your intentions to people whom you deeply respect, and you feel that they are supportive of your biggest dreams and aspirations. You certainly don’t have to tell everybody and their grandmother about things. You don’t have to announce your goals on social media (unfortunately there are people who might secretly want to sabotage your dreams and goals), but from the people “in your corner”, find accountability partners for all of your visions, ambitions, goals and intentions.

Today is the winter solstice. It is almost the end of 2023. There is no better time to really start honing in on what you want for 2024. What is it that you would really like to see and experience in your life, in the upcoming future? What do you have in your life right now (relationships, experiences, routines, places, things, etc.) that are truly meaningful for you? How do you continue to nurture these aspects of your life, so that they continue to stay healthy, and help you to stay on track for peace and happiness in 2024? What has reached its expiration date in your life? (relationships, experiences, habits, places, traditions, etc.) How do you remove these things from your life in order to clear your path towards “better”? Once you get really clear on what you really want in your life going forward, and you have considered some practical steps that you need to take, in order to get there, find accountability partners to keep you on track. Find someone whom you trust, who will earnestly and regularly ask you about your progress on your goals. Find someone who is rooting for you, and who will keep you honest. And if you believe that your greatest motivation is found from proving your “haters” wrong, make sure that those bums are the first people to see your list of goals for the new year.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friend Zone

****Happy Birthday, to my blue-eyed (yes, they’re blue!) baby. Your intelligence, truthfulness, humor, and resilience has me in awe, always. I’m so proud of you and excited for your next big steps! Your mama always has your back.****

“a sitcom about a friend group where not everyone is in every episode because they have other friends they like to hang out with sometimes” – @Dave_Horwitz

“We need to start talking about abusive friendships where there’s shaming, jealousy, or different levels of emotional manipulation. Abuse isn’t something that only happens in romantic relationships.” – Dr. Nicole LaPera

I had a fascinating text exchange with good friends of mine yesterday. One friend was lamenting as to whether she wanted to go to a neighborhood Christmas party or not, because a “frenemy” in that group recently posted a picture of a more exclusive holiday experience with just a few people in their long-standing neighborhood friend group. There was a lot more to this story, and it’s not my story to tell, but it brought up a broader, interesting conversation about friendships, in general.

Who hasn’t been in situations like these? When our children were little we lived in a huge neighborhood in North Carolina with a neighborhood pool club, which served as ‘neighborhood central’. Our local elementary school was primarily just for our neighborhood. Our friendships were mostly created by having children in the same age groups. It was honestly a wonderful, love-filled experience for us, and for our children, and we all have fond memories of living there. But, of course, no friend groups exist without drama. There were inevitable cliques, and underhanded, toxic situations that demanded that people “take sides”. There were brutal betrayals, and as children grew up and many of us moved on to different pastures, “what was” is now just a fond memory, with the hazy edges of letting the bad stuff fall off, and the good stuff still be at the heart of the memories.

In our discussion about friendships, one friend noted that she has been burned enough in friendships, that she finds that she experiences more social anxiety than she ever has before. Even with us all being in our fifties and older, and being older and wiser, we still worry about what people think about us, even though logically, we all know better than to do so. As the wisdom is often said – “What someone thinks of me, is none of my business.”

My own experience in my friendships, since I was a kid, was to stay in my comfort zone, i.e. “on the peripheral.” I’ve always been a wanderer. I’ve been included in a lot of different groups throughout my life. My nerdy book club friends have always been every bit as important to me as my fun, party friends, and my longtime, “I knew you when” friends, and my intimate soul sisters, who got together in an organic fashion to understand how to help each other to feel better. Thankfully, I am married to my best friend, so I’ve never felt a need to find “a bestie” outside of our relationship. I’ve always been welcomed by a lot of different kinds of people, but I’ve never been anyone’s “maid of honor.” And I’m cool with that fact. I feel safe and free and less committal on the periphery. I find that there are less expectations, less drama, and less likelihood of really angering someone, when you are on the periphery. It helps that I like being by myself a lot, too. Perhaps I am my own best bestie? I don’t know how to armchair psycholize myself in regards to my friendships, other than to say, I am mostly pleased and satisfied with my friendships in my life and my place in them. Do my feelings occasionally get hurt when I am not included in something? Of course. I’m human. But ultimately, I’m satisfied with the relationships in my life. Being a satellite sister is the right place for me.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Pivot

I saw or read something recently that has stuck with me. I have been using this “question/tool” a lot to motivate myself and my family. This morning, I tried to see who to credit this idea to (I couldn’t remember where I had seen it/read it), and it turns out that this concept is all over the internet, from many different sources. I’m not sure why it took me so long to find it, and to utilize it, but better late than never. (especially as I embark on my new, freer empty nest) Here’s the question:

“Are you running away from something, or are you running towards something?”

Or sometimes I turn it into more of a statement/mantra:

“Run towards something, not away from things.”

The best way to use this tool, is to use it as a way to pivot from the negativity of what you don’t like in any situation/relationship/state of being, into figuring out what you do want instead. You go from a negative state of mind of hating your job/your house/your major/your health/your relationships, etc. into a positive state of mind of moving towards what you do want instead, in the way of a job/living situation/degrees and awards/health habits/fulfilling relationships, etc. So instead of defensively and impulsively running away from situations (or using avoidance and distraction), you instead aim your sights towards what you do want in your life. You steer your car confidently and purposefully down the road, in the direction of your goals and your dreams, instead of driving furiously and aimlessly and spastically away from whatever is in your rearview mirror, with no idea where else to go.

If you find yourself running away from something, ask yourself what you should be running towards, instead. In the words of Ross from “Friends”, “Pivot!”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday is Good For U

“When you meet someone who is good for you, they won’t fill you with insecurities by focusing on your flaws. They’ll fill you with inspiration, because they’ll focus on all the best parts of you.” – Colleen Hoover, All Your Perfects

My daughter joined a sorority yesterday. When she was going through rush, one girl told her to pretend that she was lounging on a couch. The girl told my daughter to ask herself, “With what group of girls could you lounge on that couch, and feel most comfortably, happily and easily yourself?” My daughter told me that she found that perfect fit. She found her space on the right couch. And as a woman who is still extremely close to her best seven friends from her own wonderful college sorority, this makes my heart swell with happiness and hope. We women will always need other good women to paddle through life together. It’s in our DNA.

The emphasis here is of course on “good women“, and women and people, in general, who are “good for us.” As the quote says above, the people who are good for us won’t be judgy and overly critical. The people who are good for us will help us to discover our own very best gifts, and how best to utilize these gifts for ourselves and for our world. Judgmental people put up big blocks in relationships. The judgers cause people to get defensive, to shut down (for fear of more criticism), and they encourage others to start honing in on the critical person’s own flaws. (because none of us are flawless) For this reason, judgers often end up being extremely lonely, angry people. The people who are good for you, are just the opposite. These people will cause you to open up, and to bloom, and in this way, they will make you see the beauty in their own lovely, loving, wonderful characters, as well.

Okay, I get it. I’ve gotten off course. I’ve gotten a tad serious for a Friday post. My apologies. As my regular readers know, Fridays are devoted to the frivolous here at the blog. On Fridays, I list a favorite item, website, book, product, etc. that has made my sensory life nothing short of delightful. Please check out previous Friday posts for more of my favorites and please share your favorites, too. We can all have some of the same favorites. Todays favorite: Garlic Expressions Vinaigrette This salad dressing was supposedly created by a “legendary” supper club in Ohio. I love anything that contains garlic, but somehow this supper club encapsulated garlic in the most dreamy, light, liquid form imaginable. I got my first bottle at the Fresh Market, but I noticed that you can also order a bottle on Amazon.

Have a fabulous, frolicky, garlicy weekend! Spend time with the people who are good for you!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Little Lost

I’m writing this on Wednesday night. We are leaving early in the morning again for yet another high school tennis tournament that could easily end up being my last big high school sporting event ever, out of the last 26 years in which I (with my husband) have raised four children and supported their schooling, and their activities, and their sports, every single year. Year after year. And this is blowing my mind. And it is blowing my heart. Into a million little pieces.

I never wanted my children to feel like I lived through them. I never wanted my children to feel like I was an endless blackhole pit of need, for them to fill. I always wanted us to enjoy each other as individuals, who are happy and fulfilled separately, but also eager to support, and to enjoy each other. Still, I dove in. I dove in deep into this pool of mothering. I love my family that we have created like nothing I have ever loved, and I love the friends whom my children love. I’m a natural mother hen. I protect those whom I love, and I protect those people whom my people love. One of my favorite boys on the team told me yesterday that it wasn’t likely that his parents would come to the tennis banquet. It wouldn’t interest them. This is a man-child who worked so hard to lose at least 50 pounds, and he worked endlessly to earn his number five spot on the team. All that I could think to say to him was, “Well, aren’t they stinkers?!?” And we hugged each other hard. And I thought, “Wow, your parents have missed out on so much, and they will never, ever get it back. And they will never know what all that they have missed.” And I thought that I am so grateful that I have savored these moments. Because now, “these moments” are almost done. “These moments”, that sometimes, quite frankly, I often wondered, in a frazzled state, if they would ever, ever end, are actually coming to what feels like a sudden, and abrupt close, and honestly, I feel a little lost. Honestly, I feel a little lost. I feel a little lost.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

That Glow

Yesterday I experienced some of the lesser qualities that often come up during the holidays. These annoying little frustrations: cancelled orders, delayed orders, thinly-veiled passive aggressive guilt trips, twinkly lights half on/half off, things breaking out of nowhere when I am in a rush to go, long waits to get chores completed, and an email from the high school principal telling us parents to please not worry about a viral, national social media post, threatening bombs and guns at numerous, anonymous American high schools, across the nation. When these types of happenings occur as a one-off, you usually let them slide off your back as best you can, but in the middle of the holidays, when there is this underlying expectation to be so jolly and merry and bright, this string of annoyances made me start to behave like I belong on The Naughty List, in a big way.

While there are so many things that I love about the holidays, yesterday made me focus on what I like the least about the holidays, and that is the distraction of it all. It’s not like our everyday chores and obligations and routines go away, while we are busily and yet also thoughtfully, trying to do all of “the extras” that come with the show. Sometimes I even feel resentful. I just want my “normal” life back. During the holidays, it’s often easy to become irritable, and then flog yourself for being an irritable brat, during what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.”

That being said, yesterday I also noticed some of those most special gifts that tend to come around the holidays, the gifts that aren’t wrapped in a bow, and put under the tree. My two youngest children, celebrated being done with their finals, by going to see the Spiderman movie together last night. They both have been Marvel fans since they were little, and they made giddy plans, careful to not watch any spoilers, to go see a movie that they both ended up thinking was one of the best Spiderman movies they had ever seen. When they came home and excitedly regaled my husband and I, with the highlights of the show, my mind kept flashing back to two little children, brother and sister duo, watching Marvel cartoons and playing with action figures for hours. I think, at this moment, I might have started glowing like the Christmas tree.

One of our youngest son’s best friends from high school (and who also attends the same university), picked up our son for some golf yesterday, and he also told our son to keep himself free Monday night, because a few of my son’s buddies are wanting to take him out to a fancy steak house, to belatedly celebrate our son’s 21st birthday. This invitation came on the heels of the news that my son’s fraternity brothers did a fundraiser late this fall, and were proudly able to send a check for over $1000 to the Epilepsy Foundation, in my son’s honor. My son has had to remain home with us, for the majority of this semester, because his epileptic seizures have been uncontrolled, and as always, his wonderful friends have been so supportive and loving and kind. And witnessing all of this, reminded me of just how loving and supportive and kind all of our friends and our family have been to us, during this difficult chapter in my son’s epilepsy experience. And this is when I know that I started glowing, even brighter than our Christmas tree. And I didn’t feel distracted at all, at that moment. At that moment, watching my happy, contented children and reflecting on the love that we have been given from so many people, and the love that we have for so many people, despite my earlier frustrations, in this sometimes crazy, annoying, distracting, frenetic time of the year, all that I felt at that very moment, was peace. All that I felt was love. All that I felt was gratefulness. And these priceless, eternal presents, are the presents that are always here for the taking, when I take the time to notice them, and to soak them in. And that’s when I get that glow, that glow that starts from deep within my heart. I get that glow which you could never buy in a bottle. And I try to hold on to that glow, for as long as I can.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Gratitude

Happy Veterans Day! There are a lot of veterans in my family, and I am extremely proud of that fact. Thank you, all veterans, for your service, for your sacrifice and for your courage. #GratitudeMission

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are respected. You are appreciated. You are loved.

Starting a new subject, I like the Wise Connector’s tweets (@wiseconnector). Many times, the Wise Connector just asks his Twitter followers questions, sort of like a modern day Plato or Socrates on Twitter. This question intrigued me:

“What are the TWO qualities you seek in a friend?” Out of the 175 replies, these were the qualities that were easily the most repeated: honesty, loyalty, humor, understanding, reliability, authenticity

“If you want a friend, be a friend”, the saying goes. Are you honest and loyal and funny and understanding and reliable and authentic in your relationships with others? Are you honest and loyal and amusing and understanding and reliable and authentic with yourself? In other words, are you a good friend to others and to yourself?

“What’s the best thing in your life right now?” was another recent question the Wise Connector asked on Twitter. Out of 273 answers, once again there were constant similarities to the answers. Most of the answers fell into these categories: family, friends, pets, faith, health, peace of mind, creativity.

This is a good time to meditate on the best things in your own life, and to feel a deep and profound gratitude for these “things”.

Best Things In Life Are Not Things – Puff Paper Co

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Grand Memories

Over a decade ago, some friends of mine from college and I, decided to try a little experiment. We were in our late thirties and we had well-established families. We all had at least three kids (my family had the biggest family, consisting of four children). We thought that it could be neat and fun, to attempt a shared family vacation. We imagined renting a huge, rambling beach house, taking turns making meals, picking restaurants, sharing laughs, fun, memories and getting a slowed-down chance to really get to know each other’s babies and husbands, a little bit better. Going into it, I knew that this particular trip was either going to be absolutely fantastic or extremely hellish, nothing in between. Our family was accustomed to taking our own private family trips. We already always had enough chaos going on between the six of us. I couldn’t fully fathom what adding eight more adults and twelve more kids into the mix, was going to bring, other than knowing that it would be either exponentially great or exponentially horrible. It turns out that the trip was FABULOUS! Exponentially.

We had such an amazing time. My favorite memory of that long ago get-together, is all twenty-six of us, combing the beach at night, with head lamps and flashlights and buckets, foraging for night crabs. Some of us got cut by pincers (probably deservedly) and some of us were never agile enough to catch a crab (me and some of the babies), but the merriment, the excitement, and the in-the-moment joyousness of the event is something that I will never, ever forget. The kooky babysitters who we hired, making shell and sea grass jewelry with the young ladies of the group, my friend who grew up in Baltimore teaching us the proper way to truly get your money’s worth out of getting all of the meat (and I mean ALL) out of a boiled crab, and the early morning jaunts to the decadent doughnut shop, are all part of a wonderful collection of recollections, that are kept in a treasured, safe corner of my still solid memory bank. The evening card games ended each night in hilarity (and even some tension), as all of us adults were a little more hyper-competitive than any of us ever wanted to admit. Then, even later into the night, one of us couples would steal off into the night, climbing the dunes, under the romantic moonlight, knowing that our babies were safe and sound, with trusted, loving friends. It was a beautiful experience. The only negative thing that I brought back from that trip was that one of my friends introduced my children to peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwiches. I was never able to avoid the jars of marshmallow fluff at the grocery store after that trip, without all of my children chorusing together, in loud begging and whining tones, for us to purchase at least one jar. My house was forever-filled with extremely sticky, dirty fingerprints after that vacation. And it was totally worth it.

Unfortunately, we were never really able to completely recapture that multi-family beach experience again. The following years included the recession, out of state moves, marriage break-ups, friendship shake-ups, and the inevitable over-taxed schedules of maturing families. Our family, having the eldest of the children and having been the ones who moved the furthest away, was never able to be part of some of the smaller get-togethers that happened after that wonderful inaugural event. So, earlier this month, when one of my girlfriends offered up her house, for a New Year’s Eve reunion of this wonderful group of friends and our families, we jumped on it! The kids are all older now, mostly in their late years of high school and college. Only my two youngest kids will be coming along on the trip with my husband and I, this go around. Some of the other kids of the group have to stay home for work obligations, as well. Us parents have a few more wrinkles and a lot more gray hair (and in some cases, less hair) than we had on that long-ago beach trip, over ten years ago. Still, I no longer have to question which way this trip is going to go. This time, I already know that it is going to be fabulous, and I have an empty vault in my memory bank, just waiting to be filled up with the best treasures of all – grand memories, the kind of memories that make up a person’s life.

It Can Wait

Happy FRIDAY!!!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!! Hello, wonderful friends and readers. It’s here. Our favorite day of the week! Here at Adulting – Second Half, we don’t delve into the deep end on Fridays. We keep it light and airy. I list three favorite things, songs, websites, stores, pet products, etc. etc. that make my material life just jam! I strongly wish and encourage that you guys would add some of your favorites in the Comments section. You can never have too many favorites!! For example, I have four favorite kids and two favorite dogs, but I only have one favorite husband. New readers, please check out previous Friday posts for more ideas to add to your list of favorites. Here are this Friday’s Favorites:

Owen Barry purses – I’ve always been a bag lady (a shoe lady first, then a sunglasses lady, but handbags are right up in there, in my list of obsessions! Oh wait, jewelry too . . . . ) Anyway, I think one of the biggest delights of getting older, is really honing in on what you REALLY like. A lot of the experimentation is over and you really know what really works for you and you OWN IT. When it comes to handbags, big, soft, supple leather is what I love in a handbag. I love a leather handbag that is soft like butter and keeps getting softer and softer, the longer that you carry it. I am currently carrying around a wonderful Owen Barry bag, that just makes me happy just thinking about it. It melts into me, when I carry it. Owen Barry is a British company, but many American stores carry the line.

Faux Fur Throws – I love throws. I have baskets of them everywhere. My favorite throw lies on my side of the bed. It is a light brown, thick, luxurious faux mink that alternates between making me feel like I am staying in the Waldorf Astoria in their presidential suite, or I a wild, unruly native in a tee-pee on the set of Dances With Wolves. It all just depends on my mood and my imagination that day. Grandin Road carries a nice collection of these fabulous, over the top, blankets.

Vera Bradley Iconic Campus Backpack – I have always been a proponent of well-made, long-lasting book bags. My daughter is currently carrying this one around in an understated, quilted navy material. It it is holding up very well, despite the fact that she never goes to her locker, so all of the contents of her locker are loaded up into this model every day, which makes it seem like she is carrying around boulders. When my kids were little, I always ordered them Lands End backpacks with their initials embroidered on them. Often, despite being carried by a boisterous pack of rough and tumble little kids, we typically got more than one school year out of them. This Vera Bradley model is the grown-up, sophisticated version of that, for my teenage daughter.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Joey: You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.
– Friends