I am not fond of Mondays and this is a particularly bad one. I will be back in better form tomorrow. Thank you for understanding.
Monday Mood
Tag: empty nest
Soul Sunday
Hello friends. I hope that this Sunday finds you in a state of peace. Sundays are reserved for the songs of the Soul, here at Adulting – Second Half. Sundays are devoted to poetry. Please share your poems in my Comments section. This is a “no judgment” zone. This is a safe place for release in the form of the written word. Here is my poem for today:
I Hear You
I’m listening, Body.
You are the one who always gets ignored.
The Middle Child, mediator of the Mind and the Soul.
You don’t have the voice, or the emotion of your siblings,
But you house the heart.
You make possible the breath.
You work overtime, trying to keep everyone and everything in balance.
You subtly ask for care, but your subtly is so easy to ignore,
Until your whispers turn to cries.
Don’t let my cries, turn to screams, you say.
I’m listening, Body.
Today, I care for you.
You are the precious vehicle for my travels in life,
And for the acuity of my Mind,
And for the sensories of my Soul.
Today, I honor you and I respect you,
For everything that you give, to the whole of me.
We Like Each Other
There are a couple of young, famous mommy blog writers who recently announced that they are divorcing their husbands, this summer. This has caused an outrage and a disillusionment with some of their many, many followers. One of the bloggers has actually turned her brand into sort of a “here is the secret formula for creating a perfect marriage/perfect kids/perfect life” if you come to this speaking event, or buy this series of podcasts, or if you pay for this expensive marriage retreat, so I can understand the shock and disappointment among her fans.
We all want the secret formula for life, don’t we? We all hold out hopes that if we just stumble on the exact right steps to take, we will be guaranteed happiness and joy and a problem free life, forever and ever. But at our middle-aged time in life, we are humbled. We get it. There are no guarantees. Life has a way of throwing a lot of curve balls our way – many that we didn’t see coming.
For my marriage, I know that we will be soon be embarking on “the empty nest” stage. I see it in the fast nearing horizon. Our fourth and youngest child, our daughter, is a junior in high school. For most of our married life, we have been a traditional sort of family. My husband has always been the main breadwinner, and I did most of the every day child raising. Lately, I’ve been floundering a little bit. I am headed towards early retirement, where my husband is still following his same, steady career path. I notice that I often feel defensive about how I spend my time (which there is now a whole lot more of, with the kids being more self sufficient than ever) and I also feel nervous, not having as clear a purpose that I felt when I was shaping my children’s lives, on an everyday basis. I don’t feel as assured of my direction these days, and sometimes that makes me feel a little insecure and shaky and floundering. But at the same time, it makes me feel excited, too. My husband’s every day life isn’t filled with as many changes as I am going through, so he just gets to experience the bewilderment/aggravation of having a life partner, who is going through a lot of changes (in her daily routines and in her hormones), and all during a worldwide pandemic. It’s not easy. And there are no books or seminars or weekend retreats, that have a perfect formula for navigating this stage in life, either, because the answers to navigating life stages, are different and unique and complicated, for everybody and every couple. We all have different personalities, and circumstances, and values, and mixes of all of it. Not to dash anyone’s hopes, but singular formulas for perfect lives, do not exist for anyone, at any stage of life. Singular, slick, flashy life formulas are often created by great marketers (even if they do start out with pure, well-meaning intentions), for the ultimate destination of a big pile of money.
That being said, I have started to read Phil Donahue’s/Marlo Thomas’ (who, by the way, have been married themselves to each other for about 40 years) latest book, What Makes a Marriage Last. For the book, they have interviewed forty long term, famous couples in order to find out what makes their marriages work. (Some of these couples include Jimmy and Roslynn Carter, James Carville and Mary Matlin, Elton John and David Furnish, LL Cool J and Simone Smith . . . . believe me, you will recognize all of the names) I’ve just started to read the book. I’m in the first third of the book. It’s so charming. It’s a really fun read. This book reminds me of that last part of When Harry Met Sally, when the sweet couples are sitting on the couches, discussing their own love stories, with twinkles in their eyes. I have noticed many common themes among these couples who Marlo and Phil interviewed. There is a lot of obvious compatibility, mutual respect for each other, a shared love for the families and the lives that they have co-created, etc. Sting and Trudie Styler talk about the importance of good communication and “a pretty intense sexual charge” between the two of them.
My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night. He was watching hockey and I was reading the book, sometimes out loud to him. We laughed knowingly, at some of the things which the couples playfully teased each other about. We talked about some of the aspects that have made our own partnership last so long. We couldn’t articulate everything. We can’t really write it out in a simple, easy formulaic style. We had another enjoyable night together, last night. I think Brooke Adams had a really good answer, when talking about what makes her long marriage to Tony Shalhoub work:
“I think the answer to your question is pretty simple,” she said. “We like each other.”
Sacred Friday
As you age, you come to realize that there are certain traumatic moments, and surreal time periods in life, that you will never, ever be able to completely forget. These sensations and memories are particularly amplified when everyone you know has been affected to at least some degree, and is hurting along with you. We are living through one of these types of time periods right now. We were devastatingly scorched by one of those time periods back in September of 2001.
9/11 was a horrible, horrible, horrible day and experience, but we survived it. We will always remember it, but we overcame it. We got temporarily knocked down, but we rose back up. Beside all of the disbelief and horror and pain and shock and loss and soul scorching anger, there was a pure beauty that came out of that day. I never felt more unified with my neighbors and my fellow American citizens, than in the rest of that year, and into the new year of 2002. I never felt prouder of being an American than on those surreal days after 9/11, when we healed our trauma, together. We held our heads up high, in sharp defiance of evil. I remember for days that turned into weeks and then into months, the feeling of unification was everywhere. People were kind to each other. People focused on how akin they felt to each other. People did whatever they could, in order to heal and to memorialize this awfulness, in a most graceful, dignified, sacred, all encompassing way. People from other countries spoke only of our country’s greatness, of our unmatched generosity, of our beacon of hope which we give to everyone all over the world. We put aside our differences, during that painful time, because we knew that to become whole again, for the raw vulnerability to be cleansed and to be healed, that we needed the support of the whole body of our great country.
Today, we will get set back into our grief a little bit again, but let us also remember the utterly amazing, awe-striking unified Phoenix that rose from those lowly ashes. Let that defiant Phoenix of destiny, which rose and soared above all that which was meant to destroy us, be an example and a reminder to all of us, of what we are capable of doing with our current fires and traumas and fears. We owe this to the people who gave up their lives on 9/11, and to the families who still grieve their appalling sudden losses. We owe this to future generations, to give them an example of core strength and hope and the proof that love and respect for each other, is really what conquers all. Our future generations will need a positive example to fall back on, a wisdom to thrive from, when dark days happen again in their lives, and in the history of America. We need each other. Today, as Americans, we all embrace each other in comfort and compassion. Let’s find more strength and power and energy and onus, in today’s embrace. Let’s all look outwards, together, from this embrace into a unified vision of the beautiful country that everyone who has fought for, and who has lost their lives for, believes in. We aren’t where we need to be yet as a country, but we can get there. It won’t be from fighting each other, though. We need each other.
We healed over the acute pain of 9/11. There will always be a sharp ragged scar, which will always hurt to the touch, but we survived it, and then we thrived. We know that we are a country that is capable of great, great things. We’ve proven that to ourselves, and to everybody else, again and again. We rise from the ashes, and we continue to do so, every time that we are called to do it. Let’s try now to give our collective healing from our current pains, some wings of unity, dignity, love, respect, kindness, empathy and hope, and let the rest of it all – the divisiveness, the inequalities, the failure to work together, the closed minds, the focusing on all of the negative without putting major energy towards the solutions – let’s let all of this negativity that is no longer useful to our country’s greater good, just smolder away in the ashes of what does not serve us. We are the people of a great democracy. We decide what matters. We need each other.
(I apologize for not sticking with my traditional Friday format, but honestly, not really. Thank you for understanding.)
Pleasure and Peace
Hi friends, thank you so much for spending some time here today at Adulting – Second Half. Your time is precious and I appreciate you giving some of it here. It means a lot to me, in ways that I don’t really have the words to explain. My heart goes out to my west coast readers. Please stay safe and well, amidst these roaring fires. Prayers and love to you.
I keep a lot of paper journals and such, full of words and pictures that have held inspirational meaning and interest to me. I picked up one journal which I kept about a decade ago, which as you recall, was during the Great Recession, another stressful, precarious time for a lot of us. The physical journal itself is kind of gaudy. It is made of a dark red brocade that actually has stuffing inside of it. The cover has large plastic, brightly colored gemstones (some that have fallen off), sewn on to it. It is one of those things that you look at it, and you ask yourself, “Did I actually think this was pretty at one time? What was my mental state at the time of purchasing this?” It is one of those physical reminders to ourselves, that we are constantly in a state of change, always opening up from a new cocoon of ideas and perspectives, sometimes even on a daily basis.
On that note, my husband buys me one of those Awkward Family Photo Calendars, every year, for my stocking at Christmas. I love it. It guarantees me at least one daily laugh, but what I like best about it, is the reminder of people’s humility. The people who send their pictures into the calendar company have the ability to laugh at themselves, and that is a lovely trait in a person. Yesterday’s picture was a professional portrait of a young woman, obviously a product of the 1980s, with an enormous heavily sprayed nest of bangs, that could have managed to be its own head of hair, itself. I thought to myself, this woman is laughing at her 1980s self, along with the rest of us, but on that day, she put a lot of time and effort and money into her “look.” She felt good enough that day, about how she looked, to pay a professional photographer to take her picture. Her real beauty shines through all of that sprayed, elevated, shock of hair, because she has self reflection enough, to not take herself too seriously. She loves herself at every step of the game, and that is so refreshing. She’s beautiful.
Back to my point, despite its over-the-top physicality, the garish journal is filled on the inside with words and pictures and inspirations that have shaped my life. I even have some fortunes from fortune cookies taped in there, and cuttings from newspapers, magazines, and elementary school newsletters. When I was filling up this particular journal, I did not have writing a public blog in mind, so unfortunately I don’t have the sources of most of these wisdoms. Still, I believe all wisdom, comes from a higher source, and those of us who write stuff down, are usually just quirky little scribes and messengers. Anyway, this has just been a long way of me saying that in this flashy, showy journal, that at one time caught my eye and I must have found to be physically pleasing enough to claim it as mine, I found a quote yesterday that was cut out of magazine that explained what I have been trying to say in all of these paragraphs above, maybe even in all of these blog posts, for the last couple of years. At the very least, it describes my precious and precocious inspirational scrapbook/journal perfectly:
“I miss my mother, and I find myself walking through her house in my memory, remembering her ways and seeing beauty. Beauty, for her, was a mix of the deep and the superficial: that which gives us pleasure and that which gives us peace.” (source unknown)
Picking out and purchasing my ostentatious journal, and filling it up with words and images that have helped to mold me into the current version of me, gave me great pleasure. And the words inside of it, still give me great peace. Maybe life is meant to be just that simple, a happy mix of pleasure and peace. It’s quite possible. It’s certainly not a bad way to live.
Flavorful
“The world needs this right now, we have received thousands of comments from people who say this has come at such a perfect time,” said Klein about the treasure hunt.
Did you read about the founder of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans, giving away one of his Candyman Kitchens, with a golden ticket/Willy Wonka style? How fun! How intriguing and inspiring and heartwarming and charmingly evocative!
Most of us would agree with David Klein, the inventor of Jelly Belly candies, in his statement, “The world needs this right now.” But what is “this” that he is referring to? What is the golden ticket that the world needs right now?
Is it fun? Is it a focus on the light-hearted, happy stuff? Is it excitement? Is it smiling, bright-eyed anticipation? Is it curiosity? Is it wonderment? Is it sweetness? Is it frivolity? Is it sugar-coated happiness? Is it innocence? Is it faith, hope and love?
Whatever “this” is which we all seem to agree that the world needs more of right now, we can try to be a little bit of “this“, today, right now, in our own spaces and our own places. If the world needs more of “this” and we have the ability to give the world more of “this“, why not try? Why not be a golden ticket in our own corners of the world? At the very least, we can be our own little flavorful jelly bellies. (I’ve been working on my jelly belly since quarantine started. It’s coming along nicely.) What flavor are you today? I think that I will be “this” flavor, just for today.
Mt. 2020
Happy Labor Day. This is the right way to do a Monday, isn’t it? My family just woke up, fully rested and restored. The morning is bright and still and quiet and calm. I saw this meme the other day and I thought to myself, that is exactly what we are doing here in 2020. We have been assigned a whole range of seemingly insurmountable mountain tops. We have reached peaks of anger and frustration, and pinnacles of rage, in so many facets of our society. But on this day that reminds us about just how much we can achieve when we labor together, we realize that we are the chosen people, to move these mountains of fear, and pain, and shame, and anger, and inequalities, and sickness, to the side, in order to clear a path for all of us, to walk into a brighter tomorrow. We are the chosen people of 2020. We know this, because we are here. We are being trusted to move the mountains. Someone knows that we are strong enough, yet have malleable hearts and open, bright minds, in order to see beyond the terrifying heights, to the beautiful valleys that stretch beyond the rocky mountain ranges. As long as we all remember to see it as our sacred task and duty, for all of us to labor against the problems, instead of “us against each other”, we will make it. We will move mountains in 2020. We are the chosen people. It is time we start acting like it.
Bless This Mess
This is the state of my writing nook right now:
You can see Ralphie, the Labrador, trying to peek his head up over the rubble, in the right hand corner, like hope of life, peeking out of a war scene. I would like to take the time and space to thank the following creatives for making me feel good about my messy mess. First, a quote from the famed author, Anne Lamott:
“I absolutely don’t buy into the current mania for tidiness and decluttering. For a writer, piles of paper and notes are a fertile field.” – Anne Lamott
And a picture taken of the late, great fashion director, Karl Lagerfeld:
Thank you both, for allowing me the state of rationalizing my messiness, for today.
Rocking It Friday
Good morning, friends and readers!! I was reading another blog the other day and I noticed that the blogger called her readers, “my wonderfuls”! I like that. I think that I am going to borrow that. Happy Friday, my wonderfuls!!! I had another good thought, earlier in the week, as I was gazing at my sagging jowls in the mirror. I thought to myself what is a inexpensive, non-intrusive way to cover up my middle-aged droopy jowls? I figured it out. On good days, smile, and on bad days, stay masked up. See, masks aren’t all bad. New readers, on Fridays, I don’t try to figure out any deep thoughts. I stay on the surface on Fridays to give me and you a break from my overthinking/overwriting about, just about everything. On Fridays, I list three favorite things, songs, apps, websites, food stuff, etc. and I strongly encourage you to list your favorites in my Comments section. Fridays are called Favorite Things Friday, here at Adulting – Second Half. Please check out my previous Friday posts for more favorites to enjoy. Here are my favorites for today:
Putta Tea – I discovered this tea on the Clearance shelf at my local grocery store. Now I know that a lot of people think, “There’s a reason why things are on clearance. Nobody wants them.” But, I disagree. It is more like “Nobody wants them AT THAT PRICE.” Further, sometimes things just need to be highlighted, and that is how I found this most delicious tea. I always check out the clearance rack and that is where I have found some of my most favorite things, Putta Tea being one of them. I have never tasted a more fragrant, delicious, unusual tea from tea bags, in my lifetime. Another plus, is that the boxes in which the tea comes in, are absolutely artistic and gorgeous. So far, I have tried Putta’s “Relax” and Putta’s “Tulsi Clarity” and both were fabulous. I saw that Amazon sells a variety pack of many other Putta Tea flavors. Enjoy! My British friends and family say that a cup of tea fixes everything.
Convertible Mask Chains – Fortunately, I am not one who needs to do much in public, so I have limited mask wearing time, but for those of you who have to wear masks frequently, I saw that they are now selling mask chains (similar to chains that hold your glasses around your neck). This seems like a much more sanitary way to carry around a mask, versus digging through your purse, praying that you still have a clean mask somewhere in there. I saw some pretty mask chains on Stephanie Wolf’s website. (https://stefaniewolf.com/collections/facemasks-and-headbands) And this website has a nice gold one: https://www.camillejewelry.com/products/convertible-oval-chain-necklace-for-masks
What makes the chains convertible is that they turn into necklaces when you don’t need a mask any longer, which hopefully, will be sooner than later. (On that note, I got my Barnes and Noble Desk Diary 2021 calendar delivered yesterday, this calendar being a longtime favorite of mine forever and ever, due to its sturdy, hard cover, big calendar squares and weekly pages. I have kept all of mine on a shelf, dating back to 2008, and you’d be surprised how handy it is to look information up, like when you had health care, or house work done, with phone numbers to boot, when I can read my own handwriting. Anyway, getting the calendar yesterday was exhilarating, like “Hope in a Box!”)
Nancy Meyers Kitchen playlist – I don’t have Spotify, but I have read about how great that this music play list is, more than once, so I just started playing some of the songs from the list, and it is wonderful!! This playlist has songs like La Vien Rose by Louis Armstrong., I’ve Got a Crush on You by Steve Tyrell and I Only Have Eyes for You by The Flamingos. Seriously, this is perfect, soothing background music, for almost any activity. If you have Spotify, start playing this now, you won’t be disappointed!
I’ve mentioned before that I cut out things out of magazines that are inspirational to me, and I tape them to the inside of my calendar covers to look at, here and again, to get rejuvenated and inspired. I saved this cutting from REAL SIMPLE magazine and it is going to get taped into my new 2021 calendar right after I publish my blog post. Have a wonderful weekend, my wonderfuls!!!!
I can’t wait to say, “Bye-bye 2020, don’t let the door hitcha on your way out!!”
The Key
This video has gone viral because everyone thinks that it is so cute that this little boy is just trying to put his schoolbook knowledge, into his head like osmosis. And we all know that isn’t how it works. We all have to put the work into things. We all have to expend our proverbial blood, sweat and tears, in order to get what we want. So, people laugh at this sweet little boy’s innocent, yet foolish actions. However, and quite frankly, I think that this little boy is on to something. I think that we are all making a lot of assumptions here. I think we are missing the boat. What if the little boy has already read the book, and studied his homework, and the class is quickly reviewing before the start of a test? What if his motions are an act of faith in himself, and in faith in the Universe, knowing that all knowledge and wisdom and goodness resides inside of himself, and his motions are just a reminder to himself, of this hallowed fact? What if this boy’s little ritual is a sacred motion that reminds himself that “all good things come to him” and that he deserves the abundance that life has to offer? Perhaps his motions are a more emphatic, dramatic prayer in motion? I love this little boy’s energy, and his serious, focused faith. I have found myself incorporating his precious ritual into my daily actions. Children are often the most enlightened, clearest people on this earth. Not everything that young children do and say, are just for the amusement of us elders, until we “teach” them to be “wise(?)” adults. We can learn a lot from children. They haven’t been indoctrinated yet. Their purity hasn’t been clouded. They inherently understand the natural flow and magic of Life, and this is why we always say that kids are so resilient. Children have not yet forgotten that we all are a needed and natural part of Life’s flow, and children reside in that simple knowingness and faith. How beautiful children are and what lovely gifts and reminders come from them! Let’s remember to treasure our children of the world, always. They are sacred.
“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” -Matthew 18:2-4
“This is the key to life: To expect everything to be given to you from above, yet to be genuinely surprised and forever grateful, when they are. Expecting all good things to be yours, while not knowing how to take anything for granted. If there may be a key in life, this is the key.” –C. JoyBell C.