Tag: aging

Better Than the Queen of Monaco

“I thought I was going to be queen of Monaco even though someone else did it. [Laughter] But I had these giant ideas. And then you get older and, oh, s*** is going to happen. And, Mike White, you have given me hope. You’ve given me a new beginning. . . .

“This is something all of you, if you don’t know Mike White, this is what you should know: He is worried about the world, he’s worried about people, he’s worried about friends of his that aren’t doing well, he’s always worried about people, you’re worried about animals, and he really is one of the greatest people I’ve ever … He gives me so much excitement to be—you make people want to live longer, and I didn’t.” – from last night’s speech from 61-year-old actress Jennifer Coolidge, who won a Golden Globe for The White Lotus last night, about the creator of the show, Mike White

“. . . .you make people want to live longer and I didn’t.” Wow. Have you ever heard a better compliment? And this is about a Hollywood guy! When has that ever happened before?! My regular readers know that I’m a huge fan of The White Lotus series and I have previously written about Jennifer Coolidge’s ‘big break’ coming to her later in life, which is a rare thing, particularly for women in Hollywood.

From Jennifer Coolidge’s Golden Globe acceptance speech, it is my belief that these accolades and appreciation couldn’t have happened to two more deserving people. Jennifer, for slogging along, continuing to work feverishly at her passion, even if she thought that her days of a “big break” were over, and to Mike, for being that guy who cares – Mike cares about people, his friends, animals. . . . Jennifer’s whole speech was about what a wonderful, loving person and being Mike White is, without even beginning to mention his incredible talent as a writer and director.

My favorite trainer at my Local Stretchlab has experienced more than her fair share of difficulties in life. Raised in Guam, she had to drop out of medical school to take care of her mother and grandmother, who both had cancer and when they passed, her father became ill and so she cared for him, while still trying to manage the family business. It is only in the last five years or so that my trainer has been able to focus on herself and her own adult life. She is married to a marine, and yesterday they were celebrating their three-year wedding anniversary. She told me that she was taking the entire weekend off to celebrate with him. My trainer told me that for most of her life, she never dreamed that she would marry, and she is so utterly thrilled and grateful to be married to the man of her dreams. We both agreed that the beauty of difficult times, is that the harder that they were, the more they make you appreciate and savor the wonderful times in life. When you know just how low and difficult life can get, the gratitude which you feel for the smooth, amazing times is almost overwhelming.

If you are in a point in your life when you feel like your ship has sailed, be like Jennifer, and just hang on. Keep doing what is meaningful to you. It ain’t over ’til it’s over. You really have no idea where this journey is taking you. The most meaningful, exciting times of your life could easily be right around the corner. And while you’re at it, be like Mike, care. Care about people, and friends, and animals. Be like Mike and be the kind of person who makes people want to live longer. And when you get to a point in your life when you finally (and maybe even surprisingly) get something that you always wanted but started to lose hope of ever getting, be like my Stretchlab trainer and take a long weekend off to simmer in the joy and gratitude of it all! Because of slogging through the tough times, you get the equal and opposite feeling of utter bliss!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ageless Soul

“To me, age is really just a number, some kind of label. I feel more like an ageless soul in an aging body. And it’s all okay.” – Hilde, age 58 from the book, And Bloom: The Art of Aging Unapologetically by Denise Boomkens

Our souls are ageless, but our bodies aren’t. Our ageless souls are housed in our bodies. Lately I’ve been letting situations which are out of my control, eat at me. And I feel it in my body. It is time to reel it all in. I want my ageless soul to experience a long, interesting life in this body that houses it. Thus I must take time to nurture my body, so that my ageless soul exists in a nurturing space. I must reel in my mind from continuing with obsessive, negative thoughts that do not add to the health of my body, nor to the quality of my life. My ageless soul deserves a sound mind and a healthy body, in order to experience an amazing quality of life. These things that I can do, in order to care for my body (rest, exercise, nutrition), and these things that I can do for my mind (mindfulness, prayer, meditation), are things that I do have control of, and so for the sake of my beautiful, ageless soul, I will put my focus on these things in which I do have control, and I will trust that the rest will take care of itself. And it’s all okay.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Pretty

On the way to see our children at their university last weekend, my husband and I stopped at a Dunkin Doughnuts. We had to use the restroom (of course we did – we are in our fifties) and then we bought some coffee and then we decided to treat ourselves to some doughnuts, because, why not? When I was paying, the young lady who was waiting on me, mumbled something to me that sounded like, “You’re so pretty.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, because honestly I was a little bit surprised and confused. She said it a little bit louder, yet still shyly, “You’re so pretty.” I was shocked, pleased, embarrassed, grateful, flattered and glowing all at once. You see, I’m almost 52. I’ve been considered attractive back in the day, but I’m 52. I have pudges and wrinkles and everything on my body is a little worn because I’ve lived my life enthusiastically. This now rare compliment couldn’t have come at a better time, as I was embarking on a weekend filled with beautiful young faces and perfect, scantily clad bodies, and boundless youthful energy that was impossible to keep up with for more than a day, tops.

The compliment has stayed with me since. I’m probably a little flushed as I write this. As I have said many times on this blog, it is good to offer compliments often and magnanimously because they change a person’s whole vibe, for a long while. A compliment is a beautiful gift to give to someone, and it costs you nothing but a penny of your thoughtfulness and kindness.

My friend texted me an instagram page this morning that she thought I would like. She was right. I love it. The page is of Denise Boomkens, and she is the author of The Art of Aging Unapologetically. (which I just ordered this morning from Amazon) The latest post on Denise Boomkens’ Instagram page is a picture of a lovely, elegant 66-year-old French woman named Petra, who now lives in Belgium. Petra is quoted as saying this:

“I don’t find aging very easy and sometimes a confrontational process. The emphasis shifts from your outer self to your inner self; I sometimes ask myself, “who am I when nobody glances at me anymore.” This is not a negative development; I try to make the best of it in my own way.”

There is a wonderful, relief-filled part about shifting the focus to your inner self as you age, but there is also some grief in the understanding and the accepting of the changes that inevitably come to your aging outer shell. Still, there is some real, true wisdom to the saying that beauty comes from within. Sometimes, we think that this saying is just a nice thing to say, to make us feel better if we don’t feel attractive, but honestly, it really is the truth. I think that the girl at the Dunkin Doughnuts sensed my excitement, and my loving yearning to be with my children. I think she felt my happy, relaxed flirtiness with my husband as we embarked on our adventure. I felt pretty on the inside and it overflowed to my outside. True beauty is pure and timeless and has nothing to do with how we look.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Weird, Lucky Moment

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I watched a fascinating interview with Jennifer Coolidge, an actress, who at the age of 61, is at the height of her career so far, mostly for her Emmy winning role as Tanya, in the HBO streaming series, “The White Lotus.” Jennifer Coolidge first broke out in Hollywood, twenty-three years ago, playing the original MILF, as “Stifler’s mom” in the wacky, outrageous movie, “American Pie.” And she’s played in a lot of other movies since then, but now, with years of working at her craft under her belt, at the age of 61, Jennifer Coolidge is finally considered to be “a star.”

In the interview, Jennifer calls this time in her career a “weird, lucky moment.” She says this: “It’s way more enjoyable if you never expected the moment to happen. I think it is the surprise of it all that makes it so fun.”

Jennifer Coolidge says that she thinks that the reason why people have had such a big response to her is this: “I think a lot of people want to feel like they have a chance at something that maybe they thought was a missed chance, and I think I’m a good example of that.” She says that people are now looking for relatableness and authenticity more than ever in shows and entertainment. “I feel like maybe the people who are watching streaming shows aren’t as in love with perfection, as previous audiences.”

There is real beauty and profundity, when you are coming into the height of yourself, later in life. As you age, it is easier to understand and to appreciate those “weird, lucky moments” that seem to come from out of nowhere, when you were least expecting them to arrive. When those “weird, lucky moments” happen, you shockingly realize, that as it turns out, you weren’t forgotten by the forces that be. All along, you were ripening on the tree of life, just doing your thing – that thing that you love and makes you feel alive, and then, who knew? Suddenly, it’s your time to be picked as the golden apple!

The wonderful thing about coming into your own, later in life, is that gratefulness and appreciation is easier to feel. If you age long enough and gracefully enough and thoughtfully enough, then you’ve lived enough life to understand that living life itself is enough. Life is the experience. Everything else is just the cherry on top. Jennifer Coolidge has a great attitude about this time in her life. Mostly, she is savoring it. She says this:

“I don’t know if I’ll ever have a year like this again, so I’m just enjoying it ’til it ends.”

Perhaps, this is really the point of living, itself. Who knows?

Monday-Funday

Yesterday, my husband and I decided to do some hiking. We approached a trailhead marked “Black Diamond” which meant steep and difficult. A fit, sprite woman, in adorable hiking regalia, who appeared to be in her sixties came down from the trail.

“Was it strenuous?” I asked her.

“Well, that depends on your age and your joints. You see I’m 90, so I have to take it a little more slowly.”

“WHAT?!? You’re 90?! Wow, I am looking at aging goals right here!” I exclaimed wondrously.

“The key is to keep moving,” she said. “Just keep moving.” She then smiled proudly and jauntily headed down to her car at the foot of the mountain.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. —Stephen Hawking

I think that this is the big crossroads of aging versus staying youthful. If we grow into our age believing that we know everything and that we have everything all figured out, our mind becomes old and decrepit. There is no elasticity there. Our mind is stuck in its own judgmental closed capsule of fluids that are turning a decaying yellow. When we stay curmudgeonly stuck in the process of aging, we choose only to focus on things that emphasize and validate to us, what we smugly think that we already know.

A youthful mind can’t get enough. A youthful mind is curious, imaginative, creative, and full of wonder and innocence. A youthful mind constantly gets replenished in gargantuan waterfalls of inspiration and refreshed in the pools of hope and possibility.

And below is just for fun because it is Monday – Funday (and its a good reminder to remain youthful) Bugles are so underrated:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Let Go

RIP – Olivia Newton-John (image credit: Gregorio Catarino, Twitter)

I was a little soul sick yesterday when I heard the news that Olivia Newton-John had passed. What little girl in the 70s/80s couldn’t sing every song by heart in the Grease soundtrack? My fun, stylish, youngest aunt took my sister and I to see ONJ’s “Physical” concert. It was the first musical concert I had ever been to, and it was amazing. What a lovely, talented lady! Olivia Newton-John will be missed.

It struck me lately that a lot of my “regulars” whom I count on to be there: my dentist, my hair stylist, my son’s neurologist, and my favorite pedicurist, are all older than me. And I am no longer a spring chicken. I now worry that at any given appointment that I have with them, they will be announcing their well-earned retirements. And I will be devastated. I am not ready to let go.

“Let go.” We get told that a lot in life. And the older that we get, the more often we are reminded to just “let go.” It make sense. Wanting things to be different than they are, is a sure way to go crazy in the moment. Still letting go is not easy. It never gets easier. We all know the steps to letting go: Accept the things we can’t change, change the things we can, and move on or away from toxic people and situations. Lose our rigid expectations, i.e. “the shoulds.” Allow ourselves to feel our feelings, in order to free them. Get lost in a creative outlet. Pray and stay with our faith. Stay focused on the tasks at hand (mindfulness). Look for the silver linings and the possibilities of the situation. etc. etc. Honestly, in my own experience and in observing others, it is mostly just time and patience that helps the letting go process finally happen. Letting go can’t be forced.

At our ages, we have been doing this “letting go” thing a long time now. And it never seems to get much easier. I suppose it all comes down to letting go of the idea that life should always be utopian. Or letting go of the idea that we actually know what utopian should look like. Letting go means forgiving ourselves for struggling against what is, and giving ourselves permission to move forward into what may be . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

SJP and Next Chapters

“How best to feel like yourself is the thing I’ve probably spent more time thinking about than I have beauty or aging, because there’s just simply not a lot I can do about it. I could do more, but I guess I don’t want to.”

“You want to be the person with the most experience who is a leader or relied upon as a professional, as a friend, as a wife, as a partner. That only comes with time spent living. So why are we not valuing that, instead of being focused on the fact that time spent living also produces wrinkles?” – Sarah Jessica Parker

I love these quotes from Sarah Jessica Parker from a recent magazine interview. Sarah Jessica Parker was angered not long ago, by many people calling her “brave” for being photographed with graying hair and no make-up. She insisted that there are a lot more brave things that people are doing in this world besides just allowing the natural, physical process of aging to happen. I like SJP’s idea of valuing the experience and the wisdom that can only come from aging. I also like the idea of focusing on “how best to feel like yourself“. If we don’t figure this out now, as we are getting older, than when will we ever figure it out? The time is now.

In other news, my husband and I were at a neighborhood fair last night and my husband pointed out these signs to me, shown below. (He knows me well.) Some people will read this sign as saying that the “The Author” is themself, some people will read this as saying “The Author” is God/Universe/Spirit, and some people will read “The Author” as being both themselves and God, and do you know what? Everyone is right.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Tidbits, Continued

I told you that my main activity this past long weekend was reading. Here are some more interesting thoughts that I came across as I joyfully read and read and read:

+ I have a fair amount of subscriptions to decorating magazines. I find them to be so visually stimulating and beautiful. One thing that I have often noticed, even in the higher end designer magazines like Architectural Digest and Veranda, is that no matter how opulent the home, no matter how exquisite the decorations, no matter how rare the antiques and art collections which fill the homes, more often than not, the owners are photographed in their homes with their beloved dogs. And that’s what makes their homes even more beautiful. One of the late Gloria Vanderbilt’s apartments were featured in one of the magazines and she is quoted as saying, “Decorating is autobiography.” I love that sentiment and I find it to be absolutely true.

+ I read another article about a woman who had to move from her beloved home that she had built and designed herself, for a job change in another city. She was distraught about leaving the home, so she started journaling about it. She wrote a long list of everything that she loved about this house that she and her husband had built and everything about it that she would miss. Then, to be even, she started writing a list about everything that she didn’t like about the house and what she would have changed if she could have changed it. Much to the writer’s surprise, the list of what she didn’t like ended up being a good bit longer than what she actually liked about the house. I remember reading that this is a good exercise to do with anything which you are having to leave, give up, move from, or stop – relationships, jobs, habits, hobbies, etc. We all know that it is wonderful to focus on the positive things in life, but to get through the grief of losing something or someone, it doesn’t hurt to be honest with yourself about the negatives that you will also be “losing”, too. This being real with yourself, helps move the grieving process along, in a purely balanced, authentic way.

+ Recently I shared a meme on the blog that said we should choose not to compete, but instead to excel. I always remind my family that “Comparison is the thief of happiness.” All of our lives, and starting gates, and personalities and backgrounds and genetics, will never make for level, even playing fields. Our individual lives are too complicated to be played on a racetrack. Supposedly Fitbit has an advertisement that asks, “What’s strong with me?” This is an inverse to what we often ask ourselves when we are caught up in the futile comparison game – “What’s wrong with me?” Once again, this is just another example of what a shift in focus of your thoughts will do for you, in keeping things and your overall life in perspective. So, my readers, “What’s strong with you?” Please contemplate that question today. I would love to see some of your answers in my Comments section.

+ In pondering the second half of life, I love this quote which I came across from my readings over the weekend: “The first half of life is pursuing happiness, often with the operating system being one’s ego. The second half of life is seeking contentment, with our heart and soul being our guiding influences.” – Chip Conley, CEO of the Modern Elder Academy Isn’t it wonderful that a gift of aging is getting a much better, upgraded operating system?

+ Julia Cameron, author of the timeless The Artist’s Way book, which is a manual/workbook about stimulating your creativity, has come out with a new book that talks about how connected our creativity and our spiritualty can be, if we open our hearts and our minds to this idea. She says this, “I’ve come to see that if you work on your creative life, you develop a spiritual one – they feed each other.” I couldn’t agree more. I have never felt more connected to the higher forces in life than when I am working on a creative project of my own, or I am gazing in awe at someone else’s creative masterpieces. What is more spiritual than creation???

+ I saved my favorite “tidbit” for last. Kitty Sheehan owns a company that writes obituaries for people who have lost loved ones, and who are having trouble putting their loved ones’ lives into words. Kitty said that she once was writing an obituary and the family made a point that Kitty must include the late person’s lifelong friendship to a man named Lenny. They felt that an overall picture of this deceased man’s life would not be complete without mention of Lenny and their beloved friendship with each other. Kitty has since added the question to the list of questions that she asks her clients, “What was it like to be this person’s friend?” When I was reading this article, I decided that this question is a vital one, especially while we are still alive. We can ask ourselves (and we can even ask the question to the others in our lives, if we are brave and choose to get clarity and understanding), “What is it like to be my friend? What is it like have me as a mother? What is it like to have me as a wife? What is it like to have me as an employer or as an employee? . . . . .” If we aren’t particularly proud of the answers, we are still alive to make the answers better. And if we are proud of the answers, doesn’t it feel good to know this about ourselves? Sadly, it is unlikely that we will read our own obituaries. But we are living what will be written in them, right now. What is it like to be me?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Fill

Like so many others, I was shocked to read the story of the former Miss USA, Cheslie Kryst, killing herself by jumping off the 29th floor of a New York City building. Cheslie Kryst was an absolutely stunning young woman, who had both an MBA and a law degree from a very prestigious university. She worked as a correspondent for Extra Television (for which she had been nominated for Emmy awards) and she had her own fashion business. In March of 2021, she wrote as essay for Allure magazine about turning 30. Here are some excerpts from that essay:

“Each time I say, “I’m turning 30,” I cringe a little. Sometimes I can successfully mask this uncomfortable response with excitement; other times, my enthusiasm feels hollow, like bad acting. Society has never been kind to those growing old, especially women. (Occasional exceptions are made for some of the rich and a few of the famous.) When I was crowned Miss USA 2019 at 28 years old, I was the oldest woman in history to win the title, a designation even the sparkling $200,000 pearl-and-diamond Mikimoto crown could barely brighten for some diehard pageant fans who immediately began to petition for the age limit to be lowered.“

A grinning, crinkly-eyed glance at my achievements thus far makes me giddy about laying the groundwork for more, but turning 30 feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time to matter in society’s eyes — and it’s infuriating . . . .

After a year like 2020, you would think we’d learned that growing old is a treasure and maturity is a gift not everyone gets to enjoy. Far too many of us allow ourselves to be measured by a standard that some sternly refuse to challenge and others simply acquiesce to because fitting in and going with the flow is easier than rowing against the current. I fought this fight before and it’s the battle I’m currently fighting with 30.

When I graduated from college and opted to continue my studies at Wake Forest University, I decided I’d earn a law degree and an MBA at the same time. (Why stop at two degrees when you can have three?) I joined a trial team at school and won a national championship. I competed in moot court; won essay competitions; and earned local, regional, and national executive board positions. I nearly worked myself to death, literally, until an eight-day stint in a local hospital sparked the development of a new perspective. . . .

I discovered that the world’s most important question, especially when asked repeatedly and answered frankly, is: why? Why earn more achievements just to collect another win? Why pursue another plaque or medal or line item on my résumé if it’s for vanity’s sake, rather than out of passion? Why work so hard to capture the dreams I’ve been taught by society to want when I continue to find only emptiness?

Too often, I noticed that the only people impressed by an accomplishment were those who wanted it for themselves. Meanwhile, I was rewarded with a lonely craving for the next award. Some would see this hunger and label it “competitiveness”; others might call it the unquenchable thirst of insecurity.“

After reading this, I ran into the kitchen and I hugged my daughter and I reminded her that she is lovable just as she is. She is she. And that is wonderful, and it is enough. It will always be enough. Just fully “being” in every single moment, is all that is required to live, and to experience this awesome adventure which we call life and living. That existential hole that exists in all of us, cannot be filled with beauty, accomplishments, money, stuff, addictions, trips, awards, compliments, degrees, relationships. It can never be filled with externals, as desperately as we try sometimes. Our voids are filled, when we realize that everything that we need is already contained inside each and everyone of us. The one universal thing that every single one of us human beings shares, is Awareness. We all share the ability to notice what we are sensing, to notice what our fleeting thoughts are saying to us, and to be mindful as to where our emotions land in our bodies. We all even have the ability to notice the universal “hollow of the void.” If we can accept that everyone has the same exact peaceful, untouchable, eternal Awareness, inside of each and every one of us, and that Awareness unjudgmentally notices and stays in awe of everything in our unified experience, then we really aren’t alone, nor separate, are we? The Awareness is what is truly experiencing a (and every) lifetime in a certain body, in a certain set of circumstances, during a certain time period. And the Awareness is experiencing everything, at all times, forevermore. (Remember Awareness is the ocean, we are the waves.) Our silly little made-up egos and personalities (the little ripples and waves), are just along for the ride of the bigger Ocean’s overall experience. The hole isn’t empty. It never has been. It has always been quite full and it flows eternally. We just need to remember that we are not separate from Life/Awareness/Ocean/God. We are all One with it. And if we can keep that perspective, and remember to just live in the moment, and if we don’t take our own “little selves” too seriously, we can experience our lives the way our lives were meant to be experienced, moment by moment, in peaceful awe and pleasure and in pride of our One Ever-Flowing Beautiful Creation.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.