I saw or read something recently that has stuck with me. I have been using this “question/tool” a lot to motivate myself and my family. This morning, I tried to see who to credit this idea to (I couldn’t remember where I had seen it/read it), and it turns out that this concept is all over the internet, from many different sources. I’m not sure why it took me so long to find it, and to utilize it, but better late than never. (especially as I embark on my new, freer empty nest) Here’s the question:
“Are you running away from something, or are you running towards something?”
Or sometimes I turn it into more of a statement/mantra:
“Run towards something, not away from things.”
The best way to use this tool, is to use it as a way to pivot from the negativity of what you don’t like in any situation/relationship/state of being, into figuring out what you do want instead. You go from a negative state of mind of hating your job/your house/your major/your health/your relationships, etc. into a positive state of mind of moving towards what you do want instead, in the way of a job/living situation/degrees and awards/health habits/fulfilling relationships, etc. So instead of defensively and impulsively running away from situations (or using avoidance and distraction), you instead aim your sights towards what you do want in your life. You steer your car confidently and purposefully down the road, in the direction of your goals and your dreams, instead of driving furiously and aimlessly and spastically away from whatever is in your rearview mirror, with no idea where else to go.
If you find yourself running away from something, ask yourself what you should be running towards, instead. In the words of Ross from “Friends”, “Pivot!”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“I hated what I was actually about to say, but I had to say it.
I said: “You know what, Craig? It doesn’t do what we all thought it would. It doesn’t fix anything.”
. . . . Craig stared at me; I don’t think he believed me; I still don’t think he believes me. I think you actually have to have all of your dreams come true to realize they are the wrong dreams.” _ Matthew Perry
I stayed up into the wee hours of the night reading at least half of Matthew Perry’s new memoir, which was downloaded to my Kindle last night. Despite other people underlining a lot of other statements in the book, this is what stood out to me last night. This is what I took a screenshot of to share on the blog today.
Matthew Perry is an alcoholic and an addict, and he is also an extremely talented and successful actor. The conversation above was a recollection of when Matthew was talking to his friend and fellow actor, Craig, who had actually gotten the first offer to be Chandler Bing on the TV mega-hit “Friends” and yet, had turned it down.
The book, so far (I’m about halfway through) is an interesting, and yet tragic read. This memoir seems to be Matthew’s way of trying to understand the whys/hows of his own self destruction, and yet also, to be a way to redemptively help other alcoholics and addicts, if in no other way, than to say, “I get it. I get you. This does not make sense, but I get it.”
Matthew Perry talks a lot about the needs to fill “holes.” We all have them. We’re all kind of spongy. Some of us have bigger, more gaping holes than others, but the truth is, we humans are not totally “solids”. Quantum physics tells us that we humans are just mass energy stored in the form of mass particles. We all have “holes” and lots of them. And it is human nature to try to fill those holes (especially the emotional holes) – mostly with externals.
Matthew was convinced that getting the part, getting the money, getting the amazing house with the view, getting the girl, getting the FAME (that’s what he thought he wanted the most) was going to fill those holes in him – those deep dark holes of loneliness, despair, worthlessness, emptiness, etc. And spoiler alert, none of those things made for a good, solid filler. These “dreams come true” went through Matthew’s holes like quick sand, into the ether, and Matthew Perry still felt lost and full of holes, which he instead filled and patched with a never-ending supply of drugs and alcohol.
It’s a hard lesson to learn that we must fill our holes from the well-spring that is inside of us. We’ve all been there – we’re convinced that if we just get that certain job, or that kind of fulfilling relationship, or lose just the right amount of weight, or find just the right homestead, the holes will stay forever filled. And what we learn is, these are all temporary fills, and much more temporary then we would like them to be.
I remember doing a major renovation on our home which we owned in North Carolina. We designed the renovation ourselves. It took almost a year to complete (while we were living in it, with four little kids, no less). The renovation took blood, sweat, tears, fears, excitement, and so much time, money, and energy. We gave this renovation everything we had, and it turned out beautifully. We got many, many admiring compliments. Still, not long after it was completed, I remember sitting on my front porch, feeling quizzically empty. I remember thinking that this frenetic process which had taken almost all of my mental and physical resources was now technically over, (although, let’s be honest, are house projects ever over?), and I remember thinking, “This is it? This is all?” I am not sure what I was expecting from the project. It definitely took on a life of its own, but the “finishing” of it, didn’t fill any holes. Before long, we were on to other life projects and adventures and experiences, because this is just the way of life. We will never be truly be “finished” with anything.
As I have gotten older, I have gotten better at noticing my holes, and better at noticing when I am trying to fill my own holes with “stuff ” like – shopping sprees, attention grabs, stirring up arguments, food, drink, good deeds, more “followers” to my social media, distractive shows/movies/games, adopting pets, adulation and compliments and appreciation and approval, trying to control everyone and everything, being “right” etc. etc. You can’t fixanything you don’t notice. I then notice that these external things don’t ever work for long term gratification. They never do. It’s at these moments that I know it is time for me to look inward. And that’s painful and scary because it’s like venturing into the vulnerable, gaping, dark holes, themselves. But when I notice my cavernous holes, and I decide to quietly and non-judgmentally explore them, instead of hopelessly trying to fill them, it’s amazing the serenity and the guidance and the peace that I feel. I am a believer that “Universe/God/Source” – whatever you want to call that spark which gives everything Life, is inside of all of us. It never leaves us. The light and the love is never turned off. It’s just that this glint of God is so quiet, and so unassuming, and so open to us exploring our lives with our own free wills, that it is easy to ignore and to forget that it is there for us, always. Always. Some people find their way inside of their holes to the light, and to their peace, with prayer. Some find it with meditation. Some find it with singing or being in nature. Some people find the light of peace and serenity getting lost in their favorite passion projects where time seems to stand still. The light is there. It can be found, but it takes getting really brave about noticing and then facing and owning “the holes” and the fruitless things which we do to fill our holes.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“If you listen closely, when people give advice they’re actually talking to younger versions of themselves.” – Dr. Nicole LaPerla
One of my horoscopes today talked about using this month to turn “wounds into wisdom.” I think that this is what aging is all about. I believe that life is a constant cycle and process of turning wounds into wisdom. Sometimes we don’t reflect enough, or we aren’t honest enough with ourselves to do true introspection, and thus we just keep tearing apart at our wounds, making them bleed more and not allowing for the healing process. But we eventually, usually get it. And when we do “get it”, we are sad that our younger selves didn’t quite “get it” in what we deem to be a timely manner, so we at least try to save others, by spouting off advice.
It can be off-putting to get advice, especially unsolicited advice. Bernard Williams calls unsolicited advice, “the junk mail of life.”
“Wise people advice from experience.Wiser people, from experience, do not advice.” – Amit Kalantri
That’s the thing, we get most of our deepest wisdoms from our experiences. And so we desperately try to save others from having similar tough experiences that we’ve had, yet it is those very experiences which gave us our own deepest, best wisdom. What a Catch-22!
I’m guilty of spouting off too much advice, and I do it all of the time. I do it to my kids, my husband, my friends, my pets (“Trip don’t provoke Ralphie, you know where this leads . . . .), strangers I meet on the street. Hell, I do it here on the blog all of the time. Please forgive me. It doesn’t come from my wisest self. My advice comes from my desire to “save (“control”) the world.” (or if I am honest, like Nicole LaPerla says, my advice is my desire to prove to my younger self that I’ve learned and I’ve grown. Perhaps trying to save others from my own mistakes, is a gift that I am trying to give to my own younger self for putting her through a lot of tough experiences, that often took a long, long while to alchemize into wisdom.)
Mantra for the day: Self, I forgive you. Self, I appreciate you. Self, your experiences were worth the gold of your wisdom. Self, let go and trust this process of turning experience into wisdom, for your own self going forward, and for all whom you love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Halloween!! May we all get more adorable, giddy trick-or-treaters than any of us are expecting to get at our doors, so that we have lots of vicarious joy to feed on, and not too much leftover candy to devour!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning. It feels so good to be sitting in my own little writing corner, in my comfortable home with the beautiful, still sunlight filtering in. It feels so good to be unscheduled after a lovely, restorative night’s sleep. My husband is headed out on his bicycle. Riding his bike is one of my husband’s favorite things to do. I am writing and reading and sipping coffee, so I am utterly exhilarated, in the process of doing my favorite things. Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog, and in my own little corner of contentment (both inside and outside), this is the poem that popped out of me (see below). What poems are trying to pop out of you? Put pen to paper, or hands to keyboard and give it a whirl. What a wonderful way to get to know yourself better!
CONTENTMENT
“What is contentment?” In meditation, she asked.
And from something inside of her, the answer was grasped.
Contentment is feeding your passions,
With time and energy and focus and love.
Yes, just feed your passions with all of the above.
Well-fed passions equal contentment, it’s true.
When you do this, you’ll find your purpose anew.
Ah, so now I clearly can see,
Contentment is living purposefully.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy 28th wedding anniversary to my best friend, my lover, my favorite person in the world. I treasure everything which we have created together – most specifically our family and the memories of incredible adventures, throughout our years together.
I know that happy, long marriages are rare and I am grateful to be in one of those long, happy marriages. I met my husband when I was 18 years old, the first weekend of my freshman year in college. For the most part, we have been together ever since. (We had a few youthful dramatic break-ups, during the college years – we are both hot-headed fire signs.)
If a young person would ask me what it takes to create a long, happy marriage, I would say that it takes two people who are fully committed to making that creation of “long and happy” happen. I would tell the young person that it takes two people who are willing to put long, happy, solid marriage, above every other individual goal in their lives. I would tell a young person who is thinking about getting married that you must come to an acceptance of who your partner is, and love them wholly. Do not try to change your partner. Focus on the parts that you love and admire about your partner, and notice how you complement each other. In my marriage, my husband’s strengths cover for my weaknesses, and vice versa. I would tell the young person thinking about marriage, to be with someone who can weather through the tough times because long marriages go through their fair share of storms. That’s just the way of life. When picking a life partner, always go with solid, not glittery. Solid withstands storms, whereas glitter flies away in the wind. Most importantly, I have always been eternally grateful for my husband’s steadfast, lifelong commitment to me and to our family. He gave me his life to share with me. This is the greatest gift anyone has ever given to me. I will never, ever take this gift for granted. My husband is “my person.” And I am “his person.” If our children end up in marriages like ours, I will sleep peacefully forevermore.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning! You woke up to the best day of the week. Fridays are fabulous. On Fridays, I don’t discuss anything serious. I keep it light and fun. On Fridays, I discuss favorite things. Today’s favorite of mine might have you questioning my sanity (if you haven’t already). We were in a Japanese area of New Jersey earlier this week, and that is where I discovered the adorable Sonny Angels. (The Japanese people seem to have the market on all things “cute.” Remember Hello Kitty?) Sonny Angels are so popular that the one store was entirely sold out of them. Sonny Angels are little naked kewpie doll figurines that have funny little helmets made out of fruit, or animals, or sea creatures, etc. They also have a pair of adorable angel wings on the back of each Sonny Angel. The true fun of Sonny Angels is that you buy a box in one theme, such as “Sonny Angels Vegetable Series” and then you open the box up, to see which figurine you got. I ended up with the adorable “Bok Choy Sonny Angel.” I bought myself a few boxes for the glorious fun of opening them up and being surprised, and I offered to buy a couple for my 26-year-old son. He looked at me like I had three heads. He said, “Mom, if I had Sonny Angels lying around my apartment, people might call the police, thinking I am some kind of weird pedophile.” Luckily for me, I’m just some quirky middle-aged lady, so I can get away with the fun of purchasing silly little dolls. I know that you are curious to check these cutie kewpies out. Their official website is here:
https://sonnyangelusa.com/
We are back home from our travels. It was a wonderful trip and a lovely visit with our son. I feel refreshed (but also exhausted). I think that the quote above is spot on. I read once that we all are just an accumulation of our experiences: the people you meet, the books you read, the things you see. I love how travel wakes you up to new perspectives, ideas, questions, and joys. Travel always opens you up to new elements of yourself. Have a great weekend. See you tomorrow!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Yesterday, my son and I met a famous man in a little, off the beaten path, Indian restaurant in New York City. I recognized the star right away as he was already seated with some adult family members. And so the awkwardness began. We were only a few feet away from one another and I started whispering to my son who this famous person is, while my son was whispering back, asking me to leave the poor man alone. This man knew that we knew who he is, so he smiled our way and I said, “I’m a fan of your work.” He said, “Thank you so much,” and then we all turned back to our own conversations. But it was uncomfortable. My son and I were distracted (I hardly ate), and we could easily hear each other’s conversations. I know where this star is going for Christmas this year. Before the star and his family members left, the famous man used the restroom, and I asked the man who appeared to be his brother, about how the star felt about having his picture taken with fans, and his brother immediately said (and seemed to be sincere) that the actor is happy to take pictures with fans. And it was true. The star was so gracious.
And I imagine that the actor was probably also completely and utterly annoyed with the situation, although I have read that the fame thing can be a two-edged sword for actors who are used to being recognized and then all of the sudden, aren’t recognized. I read a story once about Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neal sitting on a beach, seeing the paparazzi coming their way. They started rolling their eyes and complaining to one another, only to have the paparazzi rush right past them towards another younger, bigger star at the time, further down the beach. Their moods shifted from annoyance to disappointment and outrage.
This dinner experience prompted a conversation with my son and I about whether either of us would ever want to be famous and the answer for both of us was “no.” We both value whatever privacy we have left in today’s modern world. It would be exhausting constantly having to be on your toes, worrying about your every move and people’s perceptions of said moves. Of course, it’s lovely to be appreciated for your work, but most famous people can’t separate the work, from themselves. They are their own product. They, themselves are their work. We all need breaks from our work. How do you take a break from yourself?
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I grew up in the northeast/midwest, but I have spent most of my adult life living in the south. Northeasterners often have the unfortunate reputation for being rude/abrupt/curt, etc., but this is not how I am experiencing the gracious people of New York City and New Jersey during my stay here. I am an observer and contemplator of life and what I have keenly noticed is a different kind of service style than we are used to in the friendly, hospitable south. Up here, it is clear that the servers and the clerks and the people who work in hospitality are not here to “make friends.” They are not about chit-chatting and God forbid, you appear to make anything close to a “demand.” That won’t fly. What I have noticed is that, in general, the Northern service workers are efficient, dedicated to excellence, and to getting the job done fast and well. And I can appreciate this experience. Like all things, “hospitality” can come in many forms, but no matter where you are experiencing any kind of service, the underlying theme is usually there – “I want you to have a good experience, and I am doing my best to give you that good experience.” And that sentence that I just wrote translates down to one word – love. As Kahlil Gibran famously wrote, “Work is love made visible.” Different styles of work is still love, and love is just one thing – love is love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was twenty-five when I had my first child. He went everywhere with his two young parents – weddings galore, hiking adventures when he was just a couple months old in a colorful baby carrier, and a trip to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico where his favorite part was the bumpy ride on the public bus. Yesterday, when we were reminiscing with him about these times, before his three younger siblings were born, it occurred to me how somewhat reckless and fearless (and maybe even clueless) we were, and yet thankfully, it all turned out just great. Our eldest son is as independent and adventurous and “alive” as they come, and we still have a blast adventuring with him. Sometimes I wish that fearlessness and that bravado of my youth would come back to me. I long for that inner assurance to trust life, and to go at it with pure gusto. I desire to easily let go of so much caution, and to allow that caution to be thrown to the wind. Interestingly, I do feel my courage circling back again, now that I am into the first few months of my empty nest. However, it’s not blind anymore. This courage is not a cocky courage. This courage is full of knowledge, experience, and wisdom about the frailty and the preciousness of life, and all things in this life. And thus, it is a clearer courage. My middle-aged courage is clear and conscience about risks, and also clear and conscience about what you miss out on, when you don’t take risks.
I am headed out on an adventure with my curly, ginger haired 26 year-old baby boy today. He towers over me. My son teaches me a lot about the things that are popular with his young generation. Yesterday, he ordered a rare Korean thistle for dinner. (and I tried it and it tastes like chicken – kidding, it tasted like spinach) When we go on our adventures for today, we will both be brave and excited. He will have that fresh, free, unscarred curious courage of youth, and my braveness will come from my wisest most weathered place in my heart, which fully understands the risks of almost everything, and knows that it is important to take some of these risks in order to experience the uncontrollable exuberance of a fully lived life. The circles of life constantly circle back, in slightly different form, but always with the same simple lessons: to live fully, to love unabashedly, and to trust the experiences you have in life, and all that these experiences have to offer you.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
