Author: admin

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ Years ago, I mentioned on the blog that I have kept a daily journal for over a decade. That particular journal (and its easy to do, short answer format) is unfortunately out-of-print. You can sometimes find them used: Building the Best You by Caroline Harper. However, dare I say, I came across an ever better one! The Five Minute Journal by Intelligent Change is a really easy-to-keep-up with thought-provoking daily journal. If you have been meaning to keep a daily journal, this one is an excellent place to start.

+ Last week, we lost another dear elder in our family. I’m in my mid-fifties. I am starting to lose my elders at a more rapid pace. I am finding myself more often empathizing with friends who are losing their own dear elders, in their families. One year, one of my friends lost both of her parents in rapid succession. I remember her saying that she kept running around, looking for “the adults” to come and to tell her what to do. It’s a swallow hard moment when you realize that you are “the adult”. It’s sometimes shockingly agonizing to realize that the “changing of the guard” is happening. It is sometimes overwhelming to realize that you and your generation are more and more quickly becoming “the elders.” And so the questions arise: Are we up to the task? Are we wise enough? Are we strong enough? Are we serene enough? Are we comfortable enough in our own skin, to be a much-needed comfort and support for those generations coming up behind us?

+ On a happier note, I just came back from another adventure. My daughter, a tennis enthusiast, got the opportunity to work for The US Open and so we joined her in New York City last week. We also got to visit with our eldest son and his fiancée and other family members and friends and we got to see a lot of really good tennis. Overall, it was a great trip and a nice way to end, what has turned out to be one of my favorite summers in a long while. While I’ll never be a “city girl”, you cannot beat the food choices, the eye-candy, and the endless energy that New York City has to offer. And contrary to belief, most New Yorkers are really nice people. They’re direct. They’re “to the point”, but New Yorkers always want to help in their own unique, practical, no-nonsense style. New Yorkers have a unified pride singular to their location. I’ve been fortunate enough to have travelled to many cities in my life, in the United States and abroad, and as I sat on the subway one day and I looked around at all of the variations and nationalities of people sitting in just one little subway car, it struck me that I have never seen this beautiful, truly diverse melting pot of variation anywhere else which I have been. I suppose if you are truly a melding of everything, you can better empathize with everybody and everything. And that is the real magic of New York City.

“Your Journal is like your best friend, You don’t have to pretend with it, you can be honest and write exactly how you feel” – Bukola Ogunwale 

“There are constant cycles in history. There is loss, but it is always followed by regeneration. The tales of our elders who remember such cycles are very important to us now.” – Carmen Agra Deedy

“New York is not a city; it’s a world.” – Iman

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The “Aud” Words

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the woman who was being interviewed was in her fifties, like I am. She said, “I’m done auditioning.” And that really resonated with me. For so much of our lives we feel like we are auditioning for jobs, relationships, outside approval, memberships etc. and the beautiful thing about aging out of auditioning, is that we are at the “Take me as I am” stage and we mean it. We Mean It. Auditioning is exhausting. It often requires us to “pretend” and to be pleasers and to be guessers of what others want so that we can fulfill their expectations. And then all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off. We realize we are in the second half of our precious lives, we are on the other side of the bell curve, and auditioning has lost its appeal. It is kicked to the curb. And we feel sorry for people who are still “auditioning”, especially when they are trying to get a “part” in our lives. Auditioning was never necessary. Authenticity is the part that you and I were always meant to play.

Along these same lines, I have also lost patience for being an “audience” in my older age. When you no longer need the claps of approval of others to live your own authentic life, you realize audiences aren’t necessary either – for anyone. And while you are happy to validate and encourage your loved ones in their endeavors, you no longer care to be anyone’s “captive audience.” Audiences are not necessary when you are authentically living out your moments in peace and contentment. Being an audience is not being in an equally reciprocal, healthy relationship. In many ways, audiences are in a codependent relationship with “the star.” The star gets their temporary fulfillment from the outside adulation and attention and approval, and the audience gets their temporary fulfillment by being the provider of the drug of attention to the star. And this is okay for occasional entertaining “showtimes”, but when it no longer feels like a choice to be in the audience or not, or when the relationship feels like nothing more than a forever “show”, the entertainment value of it sinks fast. Age requires deeper meaning and connection. Shallow no longer fits the bill, when you are on the flip side of your lifetime.

“Eventually you just have to realize that you’re living for an audience of one. I’m not here for anyone else’s approval.” – Pamela Anderson

“I find I often do my best work when I’m not attached to the outcome of the audition.” – Lorraine Toussaint

Cleaning Out

This is probably the longest hiatus I have taken from ASH (Adulting – Second Half) since I started writing her. And so I have also forced that hiatus on to you, my loyal readers. I’m sorry. This summer I have pressed my reset button and I’ve sat on it, like I’ve never really done before. I’ve done a lot of physical, mental and spiritual self-care in a lot of little simple ways involving rest, relaxation, gratitude, massages, reconnections with our friends, enjoying our newly restored pool and deeply reflecting on what we really want in this next stage of our lives. Our grown children are busy in happy ways. They are fulfilling their dreams and so that fills me up. And it inspires me to also dream again.

Starting next week, our kitchen and living area are getting blown up, in order to create something better and new. This summer was supposed to be one of me focused on cleaning out the clutter. “Kelly Kondo.” Hmmmmm. I have cleaned out a lot clutter in my mind, and in my heart, and in my routines. But material clutter, let’s just say that I work better under pressure. I told my husband and myself that finally today was a day without appointments and distractions and so today was the “headway day” of cleaning out the kitchen. And here I am. Writing. Writing a blog post when I haven’t written in at least a month. Sigh. We often are, our own worst enemies.

Someone recently told me something that I have to get written into the archives of this thought museum I call “ASH”. She said this: “I have never seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul.” Facts. I love my things, but I don’t necessarily think that I’m attached to them. The things which I am mostly grateful for in my life, besides my family and my friends, are my experiences, and the memories that come from those experiences, but for me, most of my material things are all tied up into my experiences. I have mementos littered all over my house that remind me of amazing adventures that I have had throughout my life. I delight in the experience of feeling excitement about discovering a knick-knack or a doo-dad or a trinket that stir up feelings in me. Many of my things make me feel happy for reminding me of the experience that evokes those feelings. I love the feeling of anticipation that comes with a load of Amazon boxes in front of my door. I freely admit that, but it is clear to me that my love is for the feeling – not for the actual thing. I love the feelings of security and abundance and nostalgia and joy. I love that many of my things that adorn me and my house, help me to creatively express more of my inner self to the outside world. That being said, I realize that all of the things could be washed away in one of our yearly hurricanes tomorrow, and nothing would be lost, but “the things.” I am the owner/gatekeeper of the feelings, and the memories of the experiences. I am the owner/gatekeeper of the joys and the memories that the things only helped to create. The things are only symbols and tools. And the things are only gone (even after they are long gone physically), when they no longer carry any meaning for me.

On that note, I have a kitchen I need to go clean out . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Plus One

I have a day full of appointments but I had to add one more exhibit to our thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. This is another one that arrived yesterday, just in time to get me back on track to focus on my “cleaning out my house” project this summer (I am admittedly, a highly distractible person):

“Does your weekly planner reflect your yearly goals?” – Chani Nicholas

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

New Exhibits

I’ve been enjoying some good summer reading while my husband is engrossed in the passion of, and his personal passion for the Tour de France. And from my readings and perusings, I have some new exhibits to add to this Thought Museum which I fondly call “Ash” – Adulting – Second Half. Here is some food for thought to chew on today:

+ What strikes the oyster, does not damage the pearl. – Rumi

I take this to mean that your body can be destroyed by outside forces, and even your mind can be destroyed by outside forces if you let it, but your spirit is timeless and it is always in a state of peaceful observance and it is protected always. Your spirit is your pearl.

+ Don’t yuck on another person’s yums.

We are all allowed to decide what we think is yucky and what we think is yummy. The world is a wonderful, interesting, diverse, “feast for the eyes”, because we all have different yuckies and yummies.

+ The need to convince others represents the need to convince yourself. – Alan Cohen

This is so vitally true, isn’t it? The things that I am absolutely sure about, I would never even think to ask anyone’s opinion about.

+ Life will not postpone our death, so let us not postpone our life.

No explanation needed. Viva!

+ If someone could see your actions and not hear your words, what would they say your priorities are?

This is such an excellent question because it separates you from yourself a little bit, and also from your expectations of yourself, and from your own self-image and your own private “shoulds.” My kids have heard the mantra from me a million times in their growing up years: “Actions speak louder than words. People show you who they are.” Be honest with yourself with this question. It may surprise you that your actions don’t really match what you think are actually your own priorities. The way that this question is worded may help you to get back on track to what you really want your true priorities to be in your life.

+ Yesterday, I received this blog in my email and it was EXACTLY what I needed to “hear.” (I believe that this is how the Universe works. Let Life love you.) Jill Donovan is a jewelry designer and an excellent writer. She is a devout Christian, so it does have a lot of “God” reference, but I still believe that anyone, no matter what their beliefs are, can get something from this post:

https://jilldonovan.com/blogs/practically-speaking/all-cats-are-grey-in-the-dark

Thank you for perusing the museum with me today. If you have any suggestions for good exhibits, please add them in the Comments.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Comfort Cairns

Screenshot

Hello, friends. I’m sorry that I have been MIA. I am busy working on my summer projects: cleaning out my house for a fresh start to our relatively new empty nest stage of life (see the meme above – I’ve probably gone into that store and many, many others like it, way too many times in my life), healing from another incredibly painful episode of cervical radiculopathy (so far, the most helpful has been electroacupuncture, but if anyone has any tips or suggestions out there, I’ll take ’em) and getting back to my equilibrium after a highly eventful first half of the year. (This takes longer the older that I get, I am finding.)

The other day, our elderly neighbor, who is always working on his lovely yard, donning his red/white/blue headband, (and I love this – this is one of my “comfort cairns”. I can look out of my window almost any day of the week and see my neighbor lovingly attending to his yard. It gives me a feeling of peace and serenity. It’s one of those calm places in the midst of the myriad of storms swirling about, on any given day. This is a good time to take a pause from reading my fascinating blog (wink), and think about what your “comfort cairns” are – examples of other ones of mine are watching our collie, Josie, lying in the grass “sunbathing”, lighting candles, bowls of feathers and rocks and shells that I have collected from my travels in life, the list goes on . . . . ) told me that he and his wife were going away to visit his brother and he asked me to get a package, that he couldn’t stop from coming, from their front stoop, when they were gone. So, I said, “yes”, of course, but I also told him that I would miss seeing him out in his yard. When I went to retrieve the package, I noticed two adorable little wooden Snoopy characters on stakes in the side garden by their front door. I texted my neighbor that I had gotten his package and that I loved their Snoopys. He texted me to remind him to tell me the story about the Snoopys when they got back.

So when my comfort cairn was reliably out in his yard after his trip, I asked him to tell me about the Snoopys. He smiled humbly, and he proceeded to say that his wife has loved Snoopy since she was a little girl. Her father was a carpenter and so her father made the wooden Snoopy stakes for her, but they were only the outline of Snoopy. (her father was a woodworker, not a painter) My neighbor said that they faithfully took the Snoopys from house to house, as they raised their family, and then, they finally moved them to the garage, in this current home, their retirement home. My neighbor said that right before Mother’s Day this year, he saw the wooden stakes hanging in their garage and he decided that he wanted to bring them to life for his wife. He bought some paint and he asked his artsy granddaughter to paint them, in order to really bring Snoopy alive. And so she did. And so my elderly neighbor’s elderly wife woke up on Mother’s Day, and she walked outside to see her beloved Snoopys dancing in her garden. And I thought to myself, what she really saw dancing in the garden was the love that her father and her husband and her family, have for her now, and for always.

And as I finish writing this post, I realize that one of my biggest comfort cairns (besides shopping for things that I don’t need) is writing this blog. <3

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

16 Years Ago

A friend texted me a flashback photo this morning of me with a group of our mutual friends, 16 years ago today. Honestly, I’m going to brag a little. I looked really good in that picture. I was 38-years-old. But what makes me sad, is that the 38-year-old woman in the picture didn’t realize it. She was hypercritical of herself. She was insecure and desperately trying to make everything “stay the same”. It was one of the most stressful times of her life, as she and her husband had just become the “poster kids” for the Great Recession. I wish that I could go back in time and hug my 38-year-old self. I would hug her so hard. I wish that I could sit with her, hold her hand, and tell her that things were going to be tumultuous, and scary, but also amazing and thrilling and that all of the changes ahead of her were actually going to be really fantastic springboards towards her most authentic life. That 38-year-old woman was really worried about the future. She sometimes got panicky thinking about it. She wanted the full-proof plan to be shown to her immediately, as to what the future was going to look like for her and her family. And the crazy thing is, even being a positive, resilient, hopeful, faithful young woman, she still could have never, ever imagined how wondrous the years ahead would be. She could never have imagined that she would successfully make it through all of the ups and downs (some of these being really, really steep ups and downs, as is the way of life) and have so many incredible adventures along the way, bringing her to this moment, now. Here. Now. I can’t go back and hug my 38-year -old self, but I can hug my 54-year-old self. Here. Now. My 54-year-old self is hypercritical about her aging face and body. She is sometimes insecure and feels a little wrecked when things don’t “stay the same.” But I’m guessing that 16 years from now, I will look back at pictures of my 54-year-old self, and I will smile. I will brag a little. She will look good. She will be smiling at the camera, having no idea of all of the events that will happen in the next 16 years of her life, but hopefully, she will sense my hug. She will feel loved by herself. And that will be enough to sustain her, as she carries on down the unknowable winding path of her marvelous life.

“In twenty years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.” – Mary Schmich

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Suess

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Baby Steps

So, I have told everyone and their grandmothers that my major goal this summer was to clean out our home like we are moving, even though we aren’t. I have done this to keep myself accountable. After a lot of soul-searching and going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, my husband and I decided to keep our current home, instead of downsizing and/or upsizing, for the foreseeable future. We plan to remodel some more areas of our current home to better fit our empty-nester lifestyle. That being said, this is the longest we have lived in any single home (11 years), and the piles of accumulation of stuff that 11 years in one place has generated, are daunting. I feel overwhelmed by the project. Interestingly though, I read something yesterday morning that made a whole lot of sense and then afterwards, I can honestly say I made a nice little dent in cleaning out some of my closet and bathroom cabinets.

Jill Donovan blogged yesterday about once hearing this said: “If you can’t reach your goal, it might be because your first step isn’t small enough.”

Lightbulb moment. I have been telling everyone’s grandmother that I am going to be cleaning out my entire house this summer. And then I feel faint. I remain frozen in overwhelm. And before yesterday, the only real steps that I have taken towards this goal, is to tell even more people, willing to be my audience, that I am going to do it. When I look at my goal from this big picture point of view, I feel snowed under (even in this incredibly hot summer). However, if I break my goal down to cleaning out just one small section of my house each day, or even just one small drawer, in one small section of my house, each day, the goal doesn’t seem so bad. At the very least, by breaking it down to tiny steps, I have moved past the proclamation of the project, into the actual “doing it.”

In her blog, Jill says if you find yourself stuck or frozen on something you want to do, but it seems too formidable to even begin, break the goal down to such tiny steps, that you can’t help but take the first step, and from there, the momentum will begin. She says that if you are wanting to write a book this summer, just start with “the title.” If you are wanting to start exercising more, just start parking your car at the back end of the grocery store parking lot. Every major thing accomplished, is an accumulation of a bunch of little baby steps along the way. And the key to getting even more energy towards achieving any goal, is to start moving towards it, even if it is just putting one little toe slightly outside of the starting gate.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Didya Miss Me?

Wow. It’s been a minute. Readers, I miss you. Adulting – Second Half, I miss writing you. My spring has been a complete blur – a wonderful, happy, successful blur, but a blur nonetheless. Too much was packed into one season for my liking. I know that some people flourish from going from one event to the next, to the next, to the next, but that is not me. I need my quiet time. I need my alone time. I need my soul-searching, soul-healing solitude. And this is the first week in months, that I am able to have this experience.

It’s not lost on me that I am having a flare up of cervical radiculopathy. The common name for cervical radiculopathy is “major pain in the neck.” Cervical radiculopathy is intense pain stemming from herniated discs in the neck and the pain radiates throughout the shoulder blade into the arm and hands. (I still have a numb thumb from my first bout with this, a little over two years ago. The first bout, not surprisingly happened after another series of stressful events, one after another. Our bodies DO “keep the score.”) I’m okay. I’m taking steroids and muscle relaxers. I had a massage. I’m taking it easy. My heating pad has become my new best friend. But still, I hate it when my body has to scream at me. When you don’t listen to the whispers of your mind, or your soul, or your body, the whispers turn up the intensity, until you finally can’t help but to hear the screams.

Okay, but let’s change the subject because one of my biggest fears in life is turning into a little old lady who can only talk about her “woe is me” ailments.

I have a close friend whose life experiences are often so similar to mine, it’s almost uncanny. At the beginning of the year, she told be about this daily Touching Peace calendar and so I bought one. And I love it. And the other day (June 9th to be exact) , I liked the page so well that I cut it out and I put it in one of my inspirational notebooks. I told my friend that I had done this, and she said that she had saved the exact same one, too! Here it is:

Yesterday, I was not particularly happy. I was in a lot of pain, so I was snappy with husband, snippy with my dogs and all the way around, lowly and growly. I was not a fun gal to be around. I imagine that while ruminating on my pain, I created a little bit of “suffering” for my housemates last night. Sorry guys!!

It has often occurred to me how we so underestimate the importance of our own happiness and our own peace. We so often look outside ourselves for happiness and peace which is not a good plan. Most things outside of ourselves are not in our control. Still, we often don’t believe that we can have peace and happiness until certain things happen for us, or certain events go the way that we want them to, out in the world. So with carrying this false belief, we only add more discontented energy into the world, and then we blame other people, and whatever events happening, for our misery.

If you are one who really does not want to create suffering in others (and I truly believe that this is a mass majority), then focus on being peaceful and happy just for today. Don’t give your power away by making your peace and happiness contingent on what happens, or what other people are doing. Do what it takes to create peace and happiness within yourself, and know that this lovely energy will emanate from you, out into the world and it will help to dissolve some of the low energy that seems to swirl all around us these days. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for others, is to stop the suffering in yourself.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Maycember

I was at a graduation party over the weekend and a friend said that many people are now dubbing the month of May, “Maycember.” It refers to how busy the month of May has become with school events/graduations at every level, and with Mother’s Day and Memorial Day weekend added to the mix, for an extra dash of whirl and twirl. My kids are mostly grown, but I was still glad that I purchased the jumbo package of graduation cards in April. They came in handy. None are left. My aunt, who is a grandmother of three young elementary school children, relayed her May schedule to me the other day (all relating to her grandchildren’s sports and school ending events), and it made my head spin. This younger generation is big about celebrating BIG, every kind of thing that you can possibly celebrate (which is not a bad thing), but it certainly makes free time in the calendar, a sparse commodity. In May of 2026, our eldest is getting married and our youngest is graduating from college. That will certainly be a May for the books. I have to start making peace now with the fact that Maycember is a real thing, and Maycember is here to stay.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.