*******I feel like my regular readers/supporters/friends/prayer team deserve an update on what has been going on in my life, and yet the superstitious part of me is terribly afraid to do so. I am knocking on wood with my other hand and both of my feet, as I write this. My son (the one who has epilepsy) has managed to string along more seizure-free days than he has done, in a long while. My son is currently on five anti-seizure, heavy-duty brain medications, but we, (with his doctor’s instructions) are carefully weaning him off at least two of these medications. This autumn has easily been the worst, most painful, scariest experience of my life, and that of our family’s history. My son has experienced more major seizures in two months, than he has had, all together, in all of the years prior, since he was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2014. My son is home with us, we are “holing up”, keeping life simple, and pleasant, and in-the-moment. It feels good. We continue to take things one day at a time. We are cautiously optimistic. We (my family and I) feel your love, and your support, and your prayers and we appreciate them so much. I didn’t know if I could continue to blog throughout this period, and yet this blog turned out to be a saving grace for me, many days, while I was going through some real darkness. And you, my beloved readers, helped to pull me out of that dark place many times, just by being here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are appreciated and loved, more than you know.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning. Good. Morning. It’s a good morning. Sundays are devoted to poetry here at the blog. Poetry is a form of writing that makes you notice. It’s not obvious. It’s subtle. It’s nuanced. It’s beauty. Write a poem today. Write a love poem to yourself. The poem (and probably mostly, the act of writing it) will make you feel good. I promise. Here’s my poem for today:
And then suddenly you flew over the lake, effortlessly.
One after the other, full of energy and lightness and carefree dignity.
I usually see just one of you. A delicate white bird,
Sitting all by yourself, in the frightfully large forest.
You stand out in the crowd of trees, a small white pocket of light,
In the thick, dark overgrowth of towering, teeming life.
I am happy to see you today with your flock of friends.
~ Me, about to be a bitch. – @WetMascara – Twitter
My sister used to always say, if you are about to start a conversation with “No offense, but . . . .” that’s your cue to shut your mouth right there. It’s like you are giving yourself your own pause and warning and finger shaking, that this conversation is not headed anywhere good, but sometimes, you just can’t help yourself, right? You keep blabbering on. And you naively believe that by saying “not to be a bitch”, or “no offense but”, or perhaps if you are a guy, the guy version is “not to be a dick”, that this is somehow going to negate every offensive word coming out of your mouth. It’s like we believe that the person who is about to get our verbal assault, appreciates the warning, and puts on their “sticks and stones – words don’t hurt me” invisible cloak of calloused thick skin. It’s like we believe that the person about to get a tongue lashing from us, is now going to sit in an aura of “open-mindedness” and gratefulness for our opinions, because we gave them a forewarning of our verbal punch, about to hit them in the face. It’s like we think that “not to be a bitch” is some kind of free pass or a “get out of jail free card”. It never turns out that way. It never does.
Instead what happens is that the person about to get insulted, has their hackles up. They’re pulling out their own verbal guns, and they are getting ready to aim them right back at you. You are about ready to experience a hard lashing from their prepared defense. Or worse, you are about to distance an important relationship that you have, because that person is about to retreat with some hurt feelings, and some deep resentment held against you.
It struck me, when nodding at this tweet, with unfortunate recognition and chagrin, that the people with whom we start conversations with “no offense but”, are usually people whom we genuinely care about. People who truly deserve our tongue lashings and unsolicited advice, are people whom we would never dream of giving them a warning, as to what is about to come. And when we know that these people, who got our verbal assault without any warning, deserved to be put in their place, we aren’t usually that concerned whether these people are offended or not. These are not the people whom we typically care to keep a relationship with in our lives.
The other day, I was blathering on about a decision that I was trying to make, out loud, on the phone with my aunt. She listened and when a pause in my dramatic soliloquy came, she calmly asked me, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?”
I actually paused again, to think about it. Yes, I did want her opinion, but I was so honored (and honestly, kind of shocked) that she asked me first. I felt deeply respected by that question. It’s a question that I hope to incorporate more into my own conversations going forward. It made me feel valued and heard. People who ask questions are the best kind of listeners.
If I’m honest with myself my “no offense but” usually comes out of me when I am exhausted from listening to the “same old/same old” complaints and problems, from people who seem to like to complain, but do not take any fruitful action to change the situation which they are complaining about. But who is to blame for my exhaustion and frustration with these types of conversations? (I am the one who is exhausted and frustrated, right?) I am offering a free audience to someone who likes to complain. I am volunteering a free audience to someone who perhaps genuinely enjoys complaining, and has no intention to change the situation which they are complaining about. Ever. The remedy here is not to snap out my nasty, high and mighty, “Not to be a bitch, but this situation is never going to change, and you aren’t doing anything about it”. Instead, I have other choices. I can change the subject, or I can politely ask, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?” Or, I can realize that this person just wants a listening ear, and I can decide whether I want to be the listening ear for this particular situation. (because after all, they are my ears, right?)
To be clear, no offense is intended with this blog post. The gut punch is all my own.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Friday! Happy Best Day of the Week! Happy Favorite Things Friday! On Fridays, I try to “keep it in on the surface.” On Fridays, I try to list three favorite things, or websites, or books, or movies, etc. that have made my life’s experience just a little more enticing. Please add your favorites to my Comments. Especially around the holidays, we are all in need of other people’s favorites to become favorites of our own and favorites to gift to our favorite people. Sharing is caring! Here are my favorites for this week:
Blue Tree boutique – Would you like to go window shopping at a fancy, unique boutique in NYC, right from wherever you are sitting? This is not a meditation experience. Go to Blue Tree’s website and peruse all sorts of interesting and unusual items – the types of things typically only found in big city emporiums. Blue Tree is owned by the movie star, Phoebe Cates (who is also the long-time wife of actor, Kevin Kline). This is how Phoebe describes her shop: “to have it be like a general store butaccording to me.” 🙂 A surprise around every turn . . . “ I absolutely love shops like these. After looking at the cute and curious items for sale, watch the funny video Phoebe and Kevin made together, in the shop (in the “For Fun” link) The website can be found here: https://bluetreeny.bigcartel.com/
TL;DR – I love this acronym. It means “Too Long, Didn’t Read”. Sometimes we all get a little long-winded and mired in the details, correct? If you write a really long email or another correspondence to people who are pushed for time, add a TL;DR. It means “here’s the bottom line” or “here’s the gist of the story”. It gives people a general idea of what you are saying or requesting, and if they need more details, they can get to the meat of the story, in the paragraphs above. Sometimes it feels good to get out on paper everything that we need to say, for the benefit of ourselves in order to better collect our own thoughts and feelings, but in reality, most everyone else just needs “the point” of the story. TL;DR – an explanation about an acronym that indicates a summary.
ComfortingKeepsakes1 – I had the serious misfortune of having to find a sympathy gift appropriate for two little girls who had suddenly lost their mother (my cousin’s daughters, ages six and nine). ComfortingKeepsakes1, on Etsy, sells a lovely personalized memory box package, so that children have somewhere to put things that remind them of their loved one whom they have lost. It’s like a treasure box for love. The package also includes a book about memory boxes, and stuffed animals, and a special little uplifting card from a special little girl, who also lost her father when she was very young (the owner of the shop’s daughter). If this isn’t an example of making something lovely out of one of the worst pains imaginable, I don’t know what would be. The owner of the shop is incredibly communicative, accommodating, kind, and empathetic.
TL;DR – “a general blog, but according to ME. A surprise at every turn . . . ” The gist – Love is everywhere, if you look for it.
Have a great weekend!!! Thank you for supporting me and my blog!! Love you!!
Happy Veterans Day! There are a lot of veterans in my family, and I am extremely proud of that fact. Thank you, all veterans, for your service, for your sacrifice and for your courage. #GratitudeMission
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are respected. You are appreciated. You are loved.
Starting a new subject, I like the Wise Connector’s tweets (@wiseconnector). Many times, the Wise Connector just asks his Twitter followers questions, sort of like a modern day Plato or Socrates on Twitter. This question intrigued me:
“What are the TWO qualities you seek in a friend?” Out of the 175 replies, these were the qualities that were easily the most repeated: honesty, loyalty, humor, understanding, reliability, authenticity
“If you want a friend, be a friend”, the saying goes. Are you honest and loyal and funny and understanding and reliable and authentic in your relationships with others? Are you honest and loyal and amusing and understanding and reliable and authentic with yourself? In other words, are you a good friend to others and to yourself?
“What’s the best thing in your life right now?” was another recent question the Wise Connector asked on Twitter. Out of 273 answers, once again there were constant similarities to the answers. Most of the answers fell into these categories: family, friends, pets, faith, health, peace of mind, creativity.
This is a good time to meditate on the best things in your own life, and to feel a deep and profound gratitude for these “things”.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I have sciatica that has been acting up lately, particularly on my left side. I’ve been doing stretches. I have tried massage and acupuncture and ibuprofen. What I haven’t admitted to myself is how much I have the tendency to repress my anger. Repressed anger often manifests itself in our hips.
It’s easier for a lot of us (especially us women types) to admit that we are sad, than to admit that we are angry. Anger sometimes gets labeled as “a bad emotion.” When anger is used to lash out at others, it can be scary and dangerous and ruinous. Therefore, we often repress our own anger, in order to “protect” ourselves and others. However, when we repress anger, these angry feelings end up hurting us deeply, in internal, physical ways. Also, ironically, the build-up of pressure from angry feelings that we are trying to keep inside, makes it more likely for us to have uncontrolled damaging outbursts that we regret, leading to the vicious cycle of continuing to deny and to repress our anger.
Sometimes we are not actually angry at any particular person. We can have anger about situations that aren’t in our control, such as the pandemic. We can feel angry at ourselves for not doing, or saying something, that we wish we had done. We can have a lot of stored up anger in our bodies, starting from the times when we were very young children.
In order to be healthy in mind, and body, and spirit, we have to feel all of our feelings, and then we have to let them go. Anger scares us. It makes us feel out of control and despicable, so anger is often, one our most suppressed feelings. Nonetheless, there are safe ways to express our anger, but first we must admit to ourselves that our anger even exists. Anger is an emotion full of energy, so finding a private place to scream, or to hit something safe, like a pillow, or to have a private tantrum/meltdown are all ways to release anger, in a healthful way. Taking a brisk walk or run, keeping a journal, and being present with your thoughts which are causing your anger, and perhaps challenging the validity of these thoughts with a different perspective, are all ways to process anger safely. The bottom line, is it is important to allow yourself to acknowledge, and to feel your anger, or it will inevitably cause bigger problems in life, in regards to your precious bodily health, and your meaningful relationships.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
The first time I saw a bougainvillea flowering bush, I was visiting Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. My husband had just finished a grueling MBA program, which he worked on obtaining, at night, for three years, after working all day at his regular job. We were celebrating his graduation, and our growing family. We had our two-year-old son with us, and I was very pregnant with our second son. Our eldest son has curly, red hair and the older Mexican women were convinced that his rare hair meant good luck. They made a point of coming over to us to pat his head for the transfer of good luck, wherever we went – the beach, the stores, the restaurants, the pool, the bus. My son loved the attention, and we found it amusing and endearing. I’ll never forget it.
Back to the bougainvillea – I became as entranced with the plant, as the women were with my son’s silky red curls. The bougainvillea was everywhere I looked. It was so robust and beautiful and unapologetically flowing. I had never seen such a bright, vibrant, cascading waterfall of flowers. I honestly fell in love with a plant, for the first time in my life.
Now I grew up in Pennsylvania, and that is where we were living at the time. We had a townhouse with a large window on the second floor, directly above our front door. Despite the fact, that Pennsylvania does not at all have a climate that suits a bougainvillea, I decided, against all odds, that we would have one. I found a lovely wrought iron window box and somehow, somewhere in Pennsylvania, I was able to obtain a small, hopeful twig of a bougainvillea plant. I proudly planted it, in that showy window box, as an homage to all of the gorgeous window boxes, filled with bougainvilleas, everywhere I looked in Mexico. I couldn’t wait for the window box to overflow with flowers.
My bougainvillea plant did okay. It half-heartedly made it through the summer, with a couple of sparse blooms. It tried its best. The bougainvillea inherently knew that it’s a naturally, hardy plant, so it soldiered on, but honestly, the plant just wasn’t “at home”, at all, in the northern state. It’s a tropical plant. Before the first snow, the bougainvillea was nothing more than a few leafless sticks, sitting like a plant cemetery, unwelcomingly on top of our front door. Here was another lesson in life, learned by me, the hard way.
In retrospect, this was one of the many times in my life, when I didn’t let what was coming to me, come at its own accord, and in its own divine timing. I impatiently tried to push my own agenda, before it was time. It’s a lesson in which I have had to repeat again and again and again, many, many times in my life. It sometimes seems impossible for me, to learn to surrender to the higher forces in my life. I am still trying to learn to trust that what is meant for me, will arrive for me, when the timing is right, and it will be even more wonderful than I ever imagined. (I should trust this fact. It has been proven to me, again and again and again.) If I am honest with myself, at the ripe old age of 50, I am still learning to trust the process of Life. I am still learning to trust God/Universe to provide for me in all of the ways in which I have imagined. The Higher Forces do so much better for me, than I do for myself, but alas, I’m a stubborn fool (again and again and again).
Today, we live in Florida. When we purchased our home, one of the first things we did, was to go to the local nursery, which is filled with inexpensive, overpowering, over-flowering bougainvilleas. Bougainvilleas are so common here, that I think that some people may consider them to be giant, overbearing weeds. We purchased two small potted bougainvilleas, and we planted them on either side of an arch, which leads to our front door. In less than a year, the two small potted plants, furiously grew and came together at the top of the arch, becoming one with each other. The plant has flourished ever since. Our bougainvillea is so healthy and happy, that it has survived over-zealous tree trimmers, being split in two during a hurricane, and being roughly pushed around by painters and plaster repair people. In fact, we have to give our gorgeous bougainvillea “a haircut” more often than we get our own haircuts. This plant is the bougainvillea that I always dreamed about since the minute I laid eyes on bougainvilleas in Mexico. It is perfect. I knew that I would have this beautiful bougainvillea to gaze upon whenever I need a shot of inspirational vigor and exuberance. I just had to wait for my bougainvillea to arrive in the perfect way, at the perfect time, just as my deepest self knew that it always would. When will I learn?
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“everything funnier when yοu nοt allowed to laugh” -@slvppy (Twitter)
The other day my daughter and I got the giggles over something entirely inappropriate to laugh about. I was hating myself for laughing, but then watching her eyes bulge from trying to stifle her laughter, made it all the more funny. It’s like getting the giggles at church or at a funeral. You are filled with self-disgust, but yet you just can’t stop, so you fidget, and your lips start vibrating, so you bite your lips and then you try to pretend that you are just coughing. All of this overdone reaction just makes for more comedy. This is what Wikipedia says about laughter:
“Laughter is a physical reaction consisting usually of rhythmical, often audible contractions of the diaphragm and other parts of the respiratory system. It is a response to certain external or internal stimuli. Laughter can arise from such activities as being tickled,[1] or from humorous stories or thoughts.[2] Most commonly, it is considered an auditory expression of a number of positive emotional states, such as joy, mirth, happiness, relief, etc. On some occasions, however, it maybe caused by contrary emotional states such as embarrassment, surprise, or confusion such as nervous laughter or courtesy laugh. Age, gender, education, language, and culture are all indicators[3] as to whether a person will experience laughter in a given situation. Some other species of primate (chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans) show laughter-like vocalizations in response to physical contact such as wrestling, play chasing or tickling. ”
Sometimes we are overwhelmed with emotions, and laughter can be the quickest, easiest release of those feelings. Laughter is just a physical response to emotion, like crying, shaking, or yelling. Maybe we should always be allowed to laugh. Unfortunately, I am one who tends to cry when I am angry, and laugh when I am embarrassed or overwhelmed. Maybe I would better be able to control my physical responses, if there weren’t such stigmas and rules attached to them.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning. Isn’t the extra hour of sleep delicious? Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Poems say it all, by often saying very little. Today, I am sharing a beautiful poem by Mary Oliver. If you are new to poetry and you are not sure that it’s really “your thing”, read some of Pulitzer Prize winner, Mary Oliver’s poetry. I bet you won’t be able to read just one. Here is one of my favorite poems, of hers:
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
These are the hard truths which we don’t always like to accept: We decide to feel happy or not, and no one can make us feel happy, nor can we make anyone else feel happy. Happiness is an inside job. We can all name people we know, who based on their great luck and fortune, and high income, and their families and their “things”, and their health, and their opportunities etc. , should be among the happiest people on the face of the Earth and yet, these people are instead, utterly miserable. And then we all have met people who have experienced some of the most tragic of circumstances imaginable, who still have the brightest, shiniest smiles on their faces, and we wonder, how can this possibly be?
This is not to say that we must deny or suppress our other feelings. It is not healthy nor is it realistic, to not feel the wide spectrum of human emotions. We were designed to feel our feelings, and to use them as a compass, and as a way to guide and to heal ourselves, throughout our lives. You can still be a happy, peaceful person and feel great sadness about a loss. Happy people still shed tears. You can still be a happy, peaceful person and process your anger about an unfair situation. Happy people learn to be assertive when their boundaries are trampled upon, which is noticed when we feel the burning alert of righteous anger. You can still be a happy, peaceful person and feel the worrisome rush of fear when encountering a circumstance in life, in which you have very little control. Happy people know that fear can be helpful to remind us to move with caution, but also happy people know that fear can be overcome. In fact, to truly be a happy, peaceful person, you must allow yourself to feel all of your feelings without judgment. Feelings just are. Happy, peaceful people know this. They don’t allow any of their feelings to stay stuck inside of them. Happy, peaceful people observe the thoughts and the stories which they are telling themselves, which are helping to create these feelings, and they make course corrections, as necessary. Happy, peaceful people feel their feelings, and then they let them go. Happy peaceful people stay in their core. They stay in a pleasant state of presence and awareness, just observing and experiencing life and emotion, as it happens and unfolds.
Years ago, I worked for a woman who owned an insurance business. During this time, her brother whom she was very close to, died of throat cancer. She became depressed after he died and she would call me every single day, for many weeks, to say that she wouldn’t be coming in to the office that day. My employer told me that she sat on the same spot of her couch for hours at a time, day after day, to the point that the pillow of her couch became permanently indented. Then, one day, out of seemingly nowhere, she bustled into the office, her usual energetic, optimistic self, full of new ideas and directions in which she wanted to take her career. When I looked astonished to see her almost miraculous recovery, I remember her saying to me, that it was quite simple. She was sick of feeling sad.
Happy, peaceful people are typically full of acceptance. They accept reality as it is, not how they would like it to be. They accept the people in their lives, as they are, not how they would want them to be. They create healthy boundaries, in their relationships and in their circumstances, because they deeply value themselves, and the one life in which they have any bit of control over, their own life. I read something recently that made sense to me. You don’t need to care for other people, in order to care about them. In fact, other than in emergencies, most adults should be perfectly capable to care for themselves. It is disrespectful to not allow other adults, to have their own autonomy. Happy, peaceful people respect themselves, and they respect others. Happy, peaceful people trust Life.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
