Month: May 2023

Godfidence

I read a word the other day on a sign that has become a sort of meditative mantra for me lately. The word is “Godfidence“. The word itself sounds powerful and solid and omnipotent, doesn’t it?

The hardest thing about loving your adult children is that you must love them without always loving their choices. And you have no right to circumspect their choices for them, like you could do when they were little. You just can’t pick up their arms and drag them away from trouble, like you did when they were cubs. It was so much easier to be the ferocious mama bear when all of the dangers were “out there” and the cubs quickly fell in line behind you. When your cubs are grown, what is dangerous becomes a bone of contention between you, and everyone just has to fend for their own comfort and safety. That’s when this mama bear has to remember to breathe and stay solid in her “Godfidence.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Sweetest Part

I have a friend who is going through a really tough time. What is the most comforting thing someone has ever said to you? (Seriously, please share your answers in my Comments section, if you can.) These are the times that you really fumble for the right words. Everything seems like it is the wrong thing to say. Everything seems to come out “wrong.” I guess the constant mantra in words and deeds is, “I’m here. I care. I’m here. I care. I’m here. I care . . . . “

In happier reflections, what I DO love about having my adult children back home is witnessing their maturity. Once kids have had to do their own grocery shopping, cook their own food, do their own dishes, do their own laundry, etc. etc., it’s amazing how much quicker they are to lend a hand at home and/or to lavish some real appreciation for when these things are done for them. It feels good to see the blooms of maturity in your babies. It’s the sweetest part of the “bittersweet” ingredients of experiencing your children growing up and maturing.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ice SCREAM

I’m delayed writing this post because my daughter was telling me all about her experience last night – her first night at her new summer job at a local beach ice cream shop. It’s a busy place. Time will fly. My daughter said that what she’s most amazed about is how much work there is behind the scenes in one of these little specialty shops. Most of her work will be in the preparation, the cleaning and the stocking. Serving customers an ice cream cone is actually a small part of it all.

This reminded me of a parable I recently read. A speaker asked a group of people how much time it takes to get a cheeseburger at McDonalds. Most people answered that it takes between 3-5 minutes. The speaker reminded everyone that someone had to grow the wheat and then bake the buns, grow and cut the onions, make the ketchup from tomatoes, butcher the beef, and then form the patties. Then a truck driver had to get all of the ingredients to the local McDonalds, where workers had to put the items into the freezers and refrigerators, then cook the burgers and wrap them up, etc. etc. The point is, nothing in this world is as easy as the finished product makes it appear to us. A photograph of one happy moment in a family’s life is not even close to the entire story of events, and experiences, and ups and downs, and sacrifices, and worries and joys that make up any family. Everything in life takes longer and more effort, and more hands and hearts, all the way around, in order to create it, than we want to believe that it does. Finished products can be so deceiving. Don’t expect ease, and quick fixes for anything that is worthwhile to have in your life. Even fast food hamburgers and ice cream cones take many hands, and a lot of time and energy, in order to get you to the finished product.

When you are frustrated about something that you want to create and manifest in your own life and it is taking a lot of time and effort with no end in sight, whether it be with a job, or a relationship, or an accomplishment, remind yourself that most things don’t come easy. Ultimately though, the effort, and the discipline, the time and energy and focus, and the blood sweat and tears, is usually the part of what makes any completed end product so especially satisfying to savor and to enjoy. (Do you want whipped cream and a cherry on top? Let me go milk a cow and pick some cherries.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

Credit: @woofknight, Twitter

My adult kids and their friends were talking and laughing about their latest experiences with job recruiters the other day, so I thought that this meme was a good one to share for a Monday chortle.

I am having the same experience that I had many, many years ago, when my youngest child first went to kindergarten and I got used to a full school year of the house all to myself during the day . . . . and then summer arrived. My youngest two children are here, for this month, after many, many months of it being just my husband and I here at home. It goes without saying, that we adore our children and there are a lot of good things about having them back home with us again. But then there are sayings like “What I don’t know, can’t hurt me,” that ring true when your adult children come back to live with you.

Since starting our family, summer has always been the season of adjustment. Summer is the pausal season before autumn comes up and cranks up the regular routine once again. Some day, when all of our children are done with their secondary schooling and fully into their own adult lives, perhaps summer won’t be such a noticeable change in our lives. Despite getting a glimpse of that possibility, it turns out that my husband and I just aren’t quite ‘there’ yet. So we will soldier on . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Good, serene morning to you. I’ve read about this poem in three different sources lately, so I took it as a sign to share it this Sunday, on the poetry day of the blog. Poems say so much more than what is on the page. This poem speaks of long lasting mature love. Wendell Berry captures it beautifully and succinctly in the poem below. (Write your own poem today and capture a little bit of the essence of your own soul. I assure you that you will be astonished by your soul’s beauty and clarity.)

The Blue Robe
By Wendell Berry

How joyful to be together, alone
as when we first were joined
in our little house by the river
long ago, except that now we know

each other, as we did not then;
and now instead of two stories fumbling
to meet, we belong to one story
that the two, joining, made. And now

we touch each other with the tenderness
of mortals, who know themselves:
how joyful to feel the heart quake

at the sight of a grandmother,
old friend in the morning light,
beautiful in her blue robe!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Antiquities

It struck me the other day that we go all over the world in order to see ancient things. We have museums full of antiquities. We stand in awe of unbelievably ornate and intricate churches and buildings that have strongly, and dependably existed throughout centuries. We gape at ancient works of art, and handle them so gingerly and respectfully. We muse that all of these venerable creations are unrepeatable and priceless. These antiquities hold so much of our history, and so, we in turn hold these relics and monuments in the highest of esteem. The fact is, most of the most beautiful things in our world, both human creations and quite frankly, also the things of nature, are incredibly old.

Why then, don’t we hold the same esteem for our elders? Why don’t we respect and honor and feel grateful for the aging of our own selves? We love the older artifacts because they are a testament to their ability to hold on, and to regally exist for a long period of time. These older things are the basis for everything that has come after them. Our own older selves are an accumulation of many years of life, and experiences, and the wisdom that hopefully is that outcome of these years and happenings.

Treat and respect your aging self, and the aging selves of others, as you do these lovely museum pieces that you have visited throughout your lifetime. You are a one-and-only, a one-of-a-kind masterpiece whom the world is blessed to experience. As you age, you are only more precious. Know this, and know this about others, and hold your head up regally and gratefully. Knowingly allow the wisdom of your years to glow serenely for all of those around you to catch their breath in awe of your beauty, and of your grace, and of your inherent knowledge of so many different eras in time.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Non-Boring Friday

Good morning!!! Happy Friday!!! Happy Best Day of the Week!!! Happy Cinco De Mayo!!! On Fridays on the blog, I discuss the stuff of life that makes life just so fun. I call it Favorite Things Friday and I would love it if you would share some of your favorites in my Comments section. Now, on to my favorite for today:

At the end of April, my husband and I were in Italy, and in Florence we had a tour guide who was extremely dramatic, and also quite attractive. As snobby and eccentric as she came across, she still had obvious flair. As we were walking the streets, our fashionable tour guide airly pointed out a store and stared deeply at my face, apparently checking for wrinkles.

“Oh yes, I can see that you would remember the 1980s,” she said quite confidently.

“That jewelry maker there,” she said, pointing to a store, “is making quite the splash, all over the world. Angela Caputi is bringing back the huge statement pieces of the 80s. You may want to check it out, if you dare . . .”

The Angela Caputi store was my very first stop the next day. And I purchased three enormous, over-the-top, interesting, eye-catching, popping pieces of jewelry (perhaps that’s part of the reason why we had to pay for extra heavy baggage on the way home?!) Angela Caputi jewelry is big and colorful and plastic-y and not for the faint of heart. One evening I wore my enormous Angela Caputi elephant (trunk-up, of course) orange and turquoise, charm bracelet to dinner, and I had at least 3-4 women ask me where I had purchased it. Angela Caputi jewelry is all that you need to make a plain black outfit, or a simple linen dress, make you look like you should have been invited to the Met Ball. (I imagine that Iris Apfel owns hundreds of Caputi pieces.)

Have a safe, fun, fabulous Friday, friends!!! See you tomorrow!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Mature People

My “bounceback game” is decidedly lacking. We got back from our overseas trip last week, and I am still crawling around with perpetual mind fog. So yesterday, when I reached my 3 p.m., “I’m all out of steam, is it almost bedtime?” moment that has perpetuated since we have returned, I discovered the Holderness Family videos, and I rested on the couch, and I binged on them.

The Holderness Family is an adorable family who live in Raleigh, NC and they make hilarious parody videos. They also invented a best-selling family game, and they have even written a book on fighting fairly in marriage. Did I mention that the Holdernesses also won The Amazing Race (and were the oldest couple to ever do so)? The family is incredible, but they are lovable, authentic, and too goofy to hate on, despite their many talents, beauty and gifts.

One serious thing that struck me while binging on “the whole of the Holdernesses’ conglomerate” yesterday, was the major theme of their podcast (oh yeah, they also have a popular podcast . . . sigh). The major theme which the Holderness Family apparently often repeats on their podcast is “Mature people ask for what they want.” The Holdernesses admit that this is often hard for anyone to do because we fear rejection, being judged or appearing selfish. So I guess, that the addition of this statement could be, “Mature people can deal with rejection, feeling judged, or appearing selfish. Mature people aren’t quick to personalize other people’s reactions. Mature people realize that everyone has needs, including themselves.”

It is amazing to me to witness (and also personally experience from time to time, myself) just how many people in the world have a hard time asking for what they want, and yet, seethe in resentment for not getting what they want. I have just recently experienced grown adults, already retired from major successful careers, ask for what they want in the most mysterious, and indirect ways. They use other people as shields. “So-and-so was wondering if you had a chance to look at the contract? I told them that you were probably busy . . . .”

I was a marketing major in college. I’ve held a few sales jobs throughout my lifetime. I think that sales jobs should be required for everyone and anyone to experience for at least a few months (also required: being a food server – you will never, ever tip badly if you have ever served tables, even just once in your lifetime). To hold a sales job and to be successful at it, (and remember, everything that you are looking at right now in your space that you are sitting in, was sold to someone, first as an idea, and finally to you, as a product that you eventually acquired) requires a huge level of stamina, grit, and not personalizing massive amounts of rejection. Selling also requires you to get really good at asking for what you want, and believing that you deserve what you want. As a successful salesperson, your entire sustenance and well-being relies on this skill of asking for what you want with enthusiasm and confidence, and being able to let rejection roll off of your back.

Today, try out using the Holdernesses’ mantra: “Mature people ask for what they want.”

Start small if you are too nervous. “Please unload the dishwasher.” “Please pick up the dry-cleaning.” “Please allow me some space when I first get home” . . . . .

Then, when you receive what you want, or you at least you get a clear understanding of why you won’t be getting what you want (and 99.9 percent of the time these reasons of not getting what you want are not about you, but more so, about what is going on with the other party), you will be filled with gratitude. Then, just say, “thank you”. “Thank you” to the party who fulfilled your request, or at least gave you an honest explanation of why they aren’t capable to fulfill your request at this time, and “thank you” to yourself for being brave and stepping up for yourself and for your own needs, in the most mature way possible.

“Mature people ask for what they want.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Just Decide

I read an excellent piece by Jill Donovan yesterday, discussing decision making when the answers just don’t seem particularly clear. She gave an example of her daughter trying to choose between two colleges, that she had been accepted to attend. Her daughter did the tried and true “Pros/Cons” and “Advantages/Disadvantages” lists about her decision, and yet the answer was still not completely clear to her. Jill wrote this:

“This is because life’s complexities cannot always be simplified into tidy lists of advantages and disadvantages. If every decision could be made so effortlessly, our lives would lack the vibrant tapestry of experiences that provide us the opportunity to rely fully on and deepen our trust in God.” 

We get so many conflicting messages about how to make decisions. “The mind can play tricks on you.” “Trust your gut.” “Feelings are not facts.” We get so caught up in trying to find the “perfect answer”, that we forget that very often, more than just one path can lead us to our destination. There isn’t necessarily just one, ‘right’ decision. And even if we get off course, the ever-patient Universe has a way of guiding us back to where we need to be, when we willingly surrender to the Great Compass inside of us.

When making decisions it is best to use our analytical minds, but also to listen to the sensations in our bodies. Holiday Mathis recently reminded her readers of this wise tome: “How you feel around someone is as important as how you feel about them.” We can love, and admire, and be totally charmed by different characters in our life, who are really not particularly healthy for us to have relationships with, in our daily lives. I remember many, many years ago, my sister-in-law was deciding between two men whom she was dating. She told me that the first guy looked “great on paper”. He checked all the right boxes. But the other guy, just felt great to be with, like the perfect “glove-in-hand” fit.” Spoiler alert: My sister-in-law is happily married to, and has spent many adventures with (including raising two sons and living in Australia for a few years) the “perfect fit” guy, for a few decades now.

When making a decision, using the mind, and creating plus/minus checklists can be very helpful and wise. Feeling what decision most resonates with our guts, and which decision feels most peaceful and “right” to our Inner Compass, is also important to pay attention to, and to figure into the decision. However, in the end, if the answer is still not entirely clear, it is best to make a decision and move on, with a deep faith that Greater Forces will gently steer us, and keep us “on track” to the lessons, epiphanies, experiences and destinations that are meant for each of our individual lives.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Worry Train

When my husband and I were in Italy the last couple of weeks, we did a better job of letting go of our everyday cares and concerns than we probably ever have, in our shared lifetime of over thirty years of loving each other. We called the trip, “a gift to ourselves”, to celebrate raising our family to adulthood. And we took indulging in this gift, quite seriously. Before we even left for our adventure, I implored our grown, adult children to please not contact us with anything other than dire emergencies. I asked them to lean on each other while we were away.

My husband made a gallant effort to leave work at the office, to the delight of both of us. We truly allowed ourselves to get lost in the every moments of adventure and novelty and pure delight. Of course, geographic distance, a busy traveling schedule, plenty of interesting distractions, and a large time difference helped with this ability to let go of our everyday responsibilities, but in our last couple days there, I suggested to my husband that perhaps we could bring some of this wonderful relief of letting go, back to our regular everyday lives. He enthusiastically agreed.

And yet, soon after I got home, I found myself jumping right back on to The Worry Train. Does my son, who is in medical school, seem a tad more stressed than I remember? Is my youngest son on top of everything that he has to get done (including being in a wedding) before he moves into his new apartment and starts his new job next month? Why is my daughter so sick again? Was it terrible that she lived in that old, mildewy dormitory her freshman year? Is my eldest as content with his work situation as he claims? Will my husband be slammed at his work, and have to work late hours to make everything up? Have I caught up on my friends’ issues and concerns, and have I shown enough care? What appointments do I need to set up? How do I immediately lose all of the extra weight I have gained from vacation and beyond? Did our dogs eat enough while we were gone and are they seemingly depressed? . . . . . blah, blah, blah. The Worry Train has a constant soundtrack playing in my mind that never, ever skips a beat. The Worry Train loves to hand me baggage to hold on to, that usually isn’t even mine to carry. And for years and years and years, I have traveled on The Worry Train, almost oblivious to the fact that I have the ability to step off of it, anytime that I want.

I think one of the best things which my recent travel experience gave to me, was the gift of contrast. I was able to clearly see that the world still turns, and the adults whom I care about (including my children, my friends and my loved ones) capably live their own lives, whether I am desperately circling them on The Worry Train, or whether I am capably, and happily, and confidently living my own life adventures. When I deliberately disembark from The Worry Train, and the soothing soundtrack of “All is Well” is playing in the back of my mind, the travel of my own life flows a whole lot easier, and my travel companions also seem much more at ease from my own breezy example.


“Trains changed – conductors never did.” – Harper Lee

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.