elderly Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

You, When You’re 90

I’m writing in the middle of the day which I rarely do. Typically I choose to write, right after my first cup of coffee. I like to do what I like to do best, first thing. Still, I just had to come right away to my Thought Museum a.k.a. Adulting – Second Half, in order to add a link to the best article which I have read in a long, long time. I’ll put the link at the end of this blog post. This article reminded me a little bit of an experience that I had last week, on a four hour plane ride. When I was on the airplane, I sat next to a lovely, elegant, regal woman who turned out be in her late seventies, although you would never have guessed that she was even close to that age. This lady first caught my attention when she and her husband (who so clearly adored her) arrived at my row. Since we were sitting in a roomier exit row, I lazily tried to just swing my legs to the side so that they could get through, and she looked at me and she said, “Aren’t you going to get up?”

Now how this woman said this to me was not said in a bitchy nor angry nor indignant tone at all. It was more a calm, assured statement of her own self-worth and dignity. I felt embarrassed and also impressed at the same time. (This situation put me in mind of a marketing professor whom I had as an instructor in college, who also happened to be one of the first black women to graduate with an MBA from Harvard University. She would peer out over us sloppy, hungover students in out stained sweatshirts with disgust, and then the professor would proclaim that she refused to lecture slouches, so we were to sit up straight and attentive in our chairs before she would begin.) Of course, I got up. The woman was right. Thankfully, my row partner held no ill-will towards me and we soon got into a long conversation. Interestingly, this woman had lived a fascinating life, with homes on both coasts. She showed me pictures of her two children (her son happened to be a basketball coach at a major university) and her two grandchildren whom she adored. This woman talked about her long career in hospital administration and how her friends from work still flew out to visit her, and to enjoy some hijinks at her west coast home in Las Vegas. She repeated many times that all of her many friends tended to be a good deal younger than her, as the younger ones were the only ones who could match her energy. The woman bragged about having eight Christmas trees which she happily decorated every single year. But then, my fascinating travel companion’s face turned dark and ashen, as she turned the conversation to her current crisis. It turns out, this energy-filled dynamo of a woman was terrified to die. Coming from a large family, three of her siblings had recently died in rapid succession (one died in a terrible traffic accident), and it filled her with panic and dread. She told me that she loved living so much, that she couldn’t bear the thought of death. This was starting to cause problems, as she couldn’t sleep for fear of dying in her sleep. She stayed upright on her couch every night versus lying on her bed. She even started attending therapy because she (and her loved ones) realized that she was falling into a pit of anxiety, stress and depression, all for the fear of death. I tried to just listen with empathy but also I assured her that I had probably never met such an alive person in my entire life, and with all of that energy and vitality, I believed that she still had a long life yet to come. I gently reminded her that we were all going to die, but she was one of the smart ones who really put her “all” into living, so perhaps when her time came to pass, she wouldn’t feel many regrets. The lady seemed to consider these thoughts and then we moved on, to looking at pictures of her many casino payouts. She claimed to be a particularly lucky gambler.

This was the long way around to the part where I share the link to the inspiring article I mentioned, by Karen Salmansohn, in which the 65-year-old author has a coffee meeting with her 90-year-old self. (One quote from the article that I wrote in my inspirational notebook: “Inspiration is what you call anger after you’ve made it socially acceptable.”) You can read the article here (even if you don’t choose to read it, the premise of having a conversation with your elderly self is certainly worth some time and consideration, don’t you think?):

https://notsalmon.substack.com/p/my-90-year-old-self-stopped-by-with?utm_source=multiple-personal-recommendations-email&utm_medium=email&triedRedirect=true

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thoughts for Thursday

+ Yesterday, in our bitter cold weather (for Florida), I saw one of my arbiters of “all is okay in the world”, walking at a clip, in short shorts. I have written about Dave W. on the blog before. He is an elderly neighbor (currently he is at least 85). Dave W. is tall, friendly, smart, athletic, always smiling and still sharp in his mind. When I stopped to say hi (me, in my heavy sweater, staying firmly put, inside my warm, cozy car), Dave W. told me that he probably should have not worn short shorts. “This is the first time in a long time, I can say that my legs are actually cold,” he said to me with a good-natured laugh. I always feel reassured when I see Dave W. out walking. Truthfully, I looked for him out on our sidewalks, all throughout the pandemic. I get a little nervous when I don’t see him out walking for a while, and so when I saw Dave W. walking yesterday, it was like a little ray of sunshine in my heart. A Dave W. sighting is one of my “touch grass” reassurances that life can be simple, kind, steady and good, no matter what is going on for me personally, or out in the world.

Do you have anything or anybody in your own life that is a touchpoint reminder of the solid good that is all around us if we allow ourselves to stop being distracted by all of the noise? I watched Lady Gaga singing a rendition of Mister Rogers’ “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” this morning. (Tell the truth, you are now currently humming that song to yourself.) Lady Gaga said that it was important for her to keep the purity and the beauty of the song, in her rendition that she created for the Super Bowl. Purity. Beauty. These things are still all around us. Look for the signs. They can be surprising and in disguise. In fact, purity and beauty may just be reliably walking down the sidewalk, in old, but sturdy, steady legs, in short shorts.

+ “Discipline is just remembering what you want.” – Kate O’Donnell I would add “the most” to the end of this quote. “Discipline is just remembering what you want . . . the most.” Do I want to be able to zip up the zippers of my mother-of-the-groom dresses? Then, despite currently wanting to eat that Oreo, I actually want to fit into the dresses, the most. Discipline. Sigh. (putting the Oreo in the garbage)

+ “Intention” seems to be the buzzword these days. Over the past weekend, we were discussing with our long time friends, each of our plans to be intentional with our relationships with our adult children going forward. We want to have happy, healthy, authentic relationships with our kids and their significant others and we talked about how we were all going about that intention which we share. The dictionary says that being intentional means being deliberate and having a plan. It says that an “intention” is an aim or a goal. Interestingly, the dictionary also says that from a medical standpoint, an intention is the “healing process of a wound.” I don’t believe that you can heal anything, without the intention to do so. Being intentional in life, seems to take “being present” to the next step of action. You become present with “what is”. You face any wounds and you acknowledge them, and then you make intentions for what to do to heal and to thrive.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Antiquities

It struck me the other day that we go all over the world in order to see ancient things. We have museums full of antiquities. We stand in awe of unbelievably ornate and intricate churches and buildings that have strongly, and dependably existed throughout centuries. We gape at ancient works of art, and handle them so gingerly and respectfully. We muse that all of these venerable creations are unrepeatable and priceless. These antiquities hold so much of our history, and so, we in turn hold these relics and monuments in the highest of esteem. The fact is, most of the most beautiful things in our world, both human creations and quite frankly, also the things of nature, are incredibly old.

Why then, don’t we hold the same esteem for our elders? Why don’t we respect and honor and feel grateful for the aging of our own selves? We love the older artifacts because they are a testament to their ability to hold on, and to regally exist for a long period of time. These older things are the basis for everything that has come after them. Our own older selves are an accumulation of many years of life, and experiences, and the wisdom that hopefully is that outcome of these years and happenings.

Treat and respect your aging self, and the aging selves of others, as you do these lovely museum pieces that you have visited throughout your lifetime. You are a one-and-only, a one-of-a-kind masterpiece whom the world is blessed to experience. As you age, you are only more precious. Know this, and know this about others, and hold your head up regally and gratefully. Knowingly allow the wisdom of your years to glow serenely for all of those around you to catch their breath in awe of your beauty, and of your grace, and of your inherent knowledge of so many different eras in time.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

S.O.W.

I have written about West Virginia before. West Virginia flies under the radar, and under the cloak of a lot misperception. It turns out that the West Virginia state government has done the second best job of distributing its vaccines to her people so far, with 67% of their allotted vaccines already given in shots to the arm. (North Dakota has distributed 77% of its allotted vaccine.) Apparently, West Virginia had a 65 years and older, priority policy much earlier than the federal government suggested the policy, in its guidelines for distributing the coronavirus vaccine. West Virginia gave their policy of prioritizing vaccines for their seniors, the name S.O.W. which stands for “Save Our Wisdom”. I love this.

Experience matters | Words, Elderly quote, Inspirational quotes

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love. (this will be the daily mantra of the blog, for the rest of this year.)