Tag: mothering

Fret Less

What makes the other people in your life happy?

My husband loves to go biking on his beautiful, orange, sexy Italian bicycle for miles and miles. He comes back home all covered and dripping in sweat, with the widest, longest lasting grin that I ever see him wear.

My friend loves to kayak. She is a teacher, so she is off work for the summer, so our friend group rarely hears from her during the day, because she spends her days in bliss, floating and rowing on our beautiful, clear Gulf waters. Almost every morning we get a text, “I’ll be out on the kayak today!”

My daughter is loving her new, engaging, interesting college experiences. On Facetime, she delightedly showed us a coaster that she had made in a crafting class (she loves doing artistic things), and was thrilled to relay that she spontaneously jumped into a volleyball game. Apparently her days of playing volleyball in middle school came right back to her, and she was proud of the “high fives” that she received from new friends, for some smooth moves on the sandy court.

My youngest son loves showing us the creative projects that he is required to come up with, during his summer’s internship. Part of the job requires him to take pictures of happy customers with the power tools that he has sold to them. Every day, it is fun (and sometimes even surprising – there are some adorable, teeny women who love themselves some power tools) to peruse the pictures of the happy, anticipatory faces of the various customers with the tools that they are purchasing, probably with ideas of what they are going to create and improve in their own sweet nests at home.

A few of my friends are in new, fresh, budding love relationships. It’s so delightful to see friends whom I have known for decades look like excited teenagers again, as they explain the fun that they have been having getting to know the new loves in their lives. I sometimes can see their original fresh faces (the faces which I met when we were teenagers) shining through their smiles, as they excitedly, and yet shyly, describe their new escapades.

Our two eldest sons were visiting each other last week. They cheerfully and teasingly described biking to the beach together, and trying out delicious new restaurants which they both enjoyed. There’s nothing a mother loves more than seeing her kids lovingly share experiences together, even when they are no longer under her roof. When your kids elect to be together, instead of being forced to be together, you know that there is real honest love there. (good heart medicine for mamas)

Friends, the news these days is often not good at all. Reading the news or watching the news, makes me feel sick in the deepest pit of my stomach. To offset those sickening feelings which I know aren’t good for my mental or my physical health, I try to think of happy thoughts. There is no easier way to do this, than to think of the people whom I love, doing the things that make them feel happy and whole and alive and inspired. And when I do this, guess what I feel inside? Happy and whole and alive and inspired. People who love me, can think of me in my purposefully cluttered writing nook, every once in a while gazing out of my large windows, to see the inspiration of the gorgeous nature surrounding me, enjoying the quiet snores of the dogs whom I adore, contentedly napping all around me, as I connect with the deepest, most creative, most eternal part of myself, struggling to type the words fast enough, that are bursting forth from my heart. I am so happy writing my blog. What makes the people whom you love happy? Think about that thought. Imagine it fully. Now, transit that thinking into what makes you happy. Go do more of it. Fret less, experience more. Look for the happy.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Happy Mother’s Day!!! I know quite a few of my readers out there are mothers like me. There is no experience out there like mothering, is there? Mothering brings out your fiercest side, and yet also your most fearful side, all at the same time. Mothering shows you the depth and the power of your love, and yet also the fragile petals of your own vulnerability. You enter into mothering, willingly and enthusiastically signing on to the dotted line of a lifelong contract, agreeing to something that you really have no idea actually what to expect, and just when you think that you have it all figured out, the seasons change and who you are as a woman and who you are as a mother changes with those seasons, and this metamorphosis happens, again and again, throughout your entire life. It’s daunting and extraordinary. Mothering is the most amazing, overwhelming, vital adventure of my life and I couldn’t be more grateful to the four beautiful souls who call me their mother, for this incredible journey and experience of mothering them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Much like Shel Silverstein’s book, The Giving Tree is supposed to be an allegory of parenting and unconditional love, I think that this beautiful poem by Rumi is the perfect allegory to the required selflessness that comes from being a mother:

The sun never says by Rumi Poem Canvas Print Poetry Print image 1

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Little Lost

I’m writing this on Wednesday night. We are leaving early in the morning again for yet another high school tennis tournament that could easily end up being my last big high school sporting event ever, out of the last 26 years in which I (with my husband) have raised four children and supported their schooling, and their activities, and their sports, every single year. Year after year. And this is blowing my mind. And it is blowing my heart. Into a million little pieces.

I never wanted my children to feel like I lived through them. I never wanted my children to feel like I was an endless blackhole pit of need, for them to fill. I always wanted us to enjoy each other as individuals, who are happy and fulfilled separately, but also eager to support, and to enjoy each other. Still, I dove in. I dove in deep into this pool of mothering. I love my family that we have created like nothing I have ever loved, and I love the friends whom my children love. I’m a natural mother hen. I protect those whom I love, and I protect those people whom my people love. One of my favorite boys on the team told me yesterday that it wasn’t likely that his parents would come to the tennis banquet. It wouldn’t interest them. This is a man-child who worked so hard to lose at least 50 pounds, and he worked endlessly to earn his number five spot on the team. All that I could think to say to him was, “Well, aren’t they stinkers?!?” And we hugged each other hard. And I thought, “Wow, your parents have missed out on so much, and they will never, ever get it back. And they will never know what all that they have missed.” And I thought that I am so grateful that I have savored these moments. Because now, “these moments” are almost done. “These moments”, that sometimes, quite frankly, I often wondered, in a frazzled state, if they would ever, ever end, are actually coming to what feels like a sudden, and abrupt close, and honestly, I feel a little lost. Honestly, I feel a little lost. I feel a little lost.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The End of the Race

My amazing daughter turns eighteen today. This is a huge milestone for her, and it’s a big milestone for her father and I, as well. Today, all four of our children are legally adults. We have raised our big brood to adulthood.

Every single friend of mine, who is also a mother, has claimed not to fear death for herself, but more so, she fears the idea of not being there to raise her children. I have always shared that same sentiment. When we wrote our will, we had certain guardians in mind and we always knew that our kids would be there for each other, but selfishly, I wanted to raise my children. I wanted to be their biggest female influence, and I wanted their father to be their main male role model. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

So today, I thank God, with everything that I have, that I was able to complete this sometimes overwhelming task of bringing up four babies to their burgeoning adulthoods, along with the man whom I love. I thank God for this incredible experience of co-creating the entity which I most cherish in this world, our family. I certainly hope to have many more years to share in the expansion of our family as my adult children carry on their own journeys outward, into their own growing adventures, but today I am savoring the close of the childhood years. Today, before I get revved up for the new race soon to start (my empty nest phase), I am crossing the finish line, in glory. I am savoring the successful end of an incredible adventure – a race/adventure/run that I didn’t always feel prepared for, didn’t always run the strides I would have liked to, had a few stumbles along the way, but I always knew that the wind was at our back, giving us the stamina to keep on going. There were higher forces always helping us along the way. This I knew, and so I was always able to keep my breath and I was able to keep a steady pace forward, full on with my pack. Deep love has an energy that keeps you going, like no other force in this world can do. Today I am reveling in that love for a beautiful young woman whom I have always called the perfect exclamation point to our family. Today, I am savoring the overwhelming mix of feelings (pride/relief/happiness/wonder/excitement/melancholy/nostalgia/satisfaction) of finishing the longest, most fulfilling race of my life. Today I am grateful for finishing strong.

TOP 25 FINISH LINE QUOTES (of 129) | A-Z Quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Finish Strong

Fast approaching, is the end of the first half of my adult life, which I mainly devoted to taking care of my family. My daughter has decided to start college in the summer term, so by the end of this June, 26 years of parenting and 12 years of supporting high school activities, sports, and guiding our four children into their own burgeoning adulthoods, is about to come to a close. All of us parents know that we will be parents for life, but the hands-on, main focus, every day sort of parenting which I have done for most of my adult life, is coming really close to coming to its own close, in a matter of a few short months. I’ve brought this up on the blog before, but it bears repeating. I am now constantly reiterating to myself a mantra that I oft repeated to our kids, throughout their childhoods. Finish Strong. Whether it was pertaining to a school year, a class, a sports season, a race, healing from an injury, an essay, an exam, etc. the directions I gave were simple: Finish Strong.

So, during these last few weeks I have been busy putting celebratory dates on the calendar. I have been busy with planning, and spouting lots of last minute advice to my daughter with hopes that I am not forgetting anything important and pertinent. I have been busy savoring the last high school tennis season (actually the last high school sports season which I will ever attend regularly). Overall, I have been busy with working on the finishing touches and flourishes of the final chapter of Volume 1, of my own Adulthood Saga.

At times, my busy mind has veered into trying to goad me into making a firm outline, in order to carefully plan Volume 2 of my Adulthood Saga. My Inner Control Freak sometimes goes into panic mode, and she makes me feel like we had better get going, in order to be well-prepared, organized and energized for Chapter One of Volume 2. My Inner Control Freak is telling me that Volume 2 is right around the corner and it has got to be great, fulfilling, amazing and ready at the start. “Focus on the Future!!’ she screams. But my wiser, calmer, most intuitive self, says, “Woah, Nelly. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just focus on the tasks at hand. All that you need to do right now is to Finish Strong. Volume 2 will take care of itself, in many, many ways, just like Volume 1 did, when you reflect back on it.”

I am proud of Volume 1 of my Adulthood. The protagonist is an interesting character. She has grown a lot. She has lived a lot of her goals and her dreams and her plans, and yet she has also been open enough to take some new directions that life’s storms and surprises have imposed upon her. She is about to put the finishing touches on the first half of her adult life. She is proud of her accomplishments, achievements, and evolvement. She has learned from many mistakes, and she realizes that she is strong, and resilient and open-minded enough to learn from the future lessons that are bound to arrive in Volume 2. Mostly, though, the protagonist, while closing out the first volume of her adult life, is in savor mode. She is savoring what she has created for herself, what she has co-created with others, and she is grateful. So very grateful. And in that spirit of thankfulness, and brimming with love and awe, she is doing what she must do. She is finishing strong.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Mother’s Heart

Inspiration Mondays: New Possibilities - Mango Muse Events

There is nothing stronger in this world, yet paradoxically more vulnerable than a mother’s heart. A mother’s heart holds so much. It holds so much love and pride and vision and fear and worry and resilience and a load full of understanding and empathy for all of the other mothers’ hearts. A mother’s heart rarely breaks, because it can’t. Mothers’ hearts are the webbing of humanity’s entire existence and this webbing cannot afford too many bottomless holes of despair. My prayer is for all of the hearts, of all of the mothers. May those of us who are stronger and safer right now, keep the beat for the other mothers’ hearts who are bleeding down to a faintly beat.

If Our Moms Ruled the World | Wise old sayings, Empowering women quotes, Proverbs

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Magnificent Woman

As Elsa watches her mother, Margaret (Faith Hill) herd cattle, she sees her as a woman – not solely a mother – for the first time: “I watched her ride and I didn’t see my mother. I saw a woman. And the woman was magnificent.” Jan 16, 2022

(from the TV Series and Yellowstone Prequel “1883”)

The other day, my friend mentioned that she attended a funeral of a man who had died. When he was alive, the man was passionate about two major hobbies in his life. My friend said that the man’s wife announced that she planned on continuing with his hobbies as an act of keeping him alive in her heart. My first thought was that this was sweet, and romantic, and loyal, and beautiful. But my second thought was, “Wow, this is what we women do so much of the time. We take on the passions and interests of our lovers and of our families and we often whittle our own passions and interests down to mere afterthoughts, to the point that we often forget what these passions were at all.”

I’ve witnessed it again and again, in myself, and in other women whom I know. We are the supporters and the nurturers, so we become “the soccer moms” or “the football moms” or “the wife of the esteemed So and So”. And our own interests and hobbies which are what make us unique in this world, often get relegated to the bottom of the list, the first things to get cancelled and crossed off when the calendar gets filled. And we are okay with this. We are the ones who do the crossing off. It makes sense to us. How could a book club or an art class be more important than supporting our loved ones at their functions and activities? We slowly diminish our own selves and we take on the role of “family cheerleader/supporter/bolster” to the point that our whole identity is wrapped up in other people’s lives and experiences. And without those “other people”, we are a little lost to ourselves. And they don’t know us as much more than an assistant to their own needs. And at the very worst, we start resenting others for this type of martyrdom, when they never asked us to do this for them in the first place. We start resenting others for what we have done to ourselves.

While watching the episode of “1883”, where the teenage daughter shockingly realizes that her own mother can ride horses and herd cattle every bit as deftly as she can, we see that the daughter is filled with awe and pride. Up until that moment, the daughter has only known her mother as “the mother”, the supporter of her father and of the family. She is in her late teenage years when she first comes to the realization that her mother is a woman in her own right, filled with talent and skill and bravery and regality, all outside of her role as the matriarch of their family.

When talking with my husband about this phenomenon that I’ve noticed and pondered, he said that he witnesses many men losing their individual identities to their careers. He has known many men who get their entire sense of self, solely from their job titles and thus, he knows men in their late seventies, with enough money stashed in the bank for five lifetimes, fearful to retire. They are so wrapped up in their jobs, that they don’t know themselves without these duties, responsibilities and titles. They don’t know themselves without the role that they play in their careers.

I’m not saying any of this is bad, per se. We have to make sacrifices and prioritize our lives in ways that make sense. We, of course, must be responsible to our responsibilities. And our life roles and our responsibilities are often things that we are passionate about. Still, aren’t we also responsible to nurture and to bring about the most innate, creative, unique version of our own selves into this world? It is our own unrepeatable, distinguishable self who initially attracted our lovers to us. Our children want to know the sides of us that exist beyond fulfilling their needs, especially as they become independent adults. Watching us fulfill our own interests, gives them permission to do the same thing, guilt-free. Our children want to fully understand their own DNA, by witnessing the fullness and uniqueness of us, from whence they came. We owe it, not just to ourselves, not just to our loved ones, but also to this world, to this one experience that we co-create together, to really explore what uniquely fills us with passion and desire and meaning and purpose. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to this world, and to its Creator, to explore and to prioritize and thus to become the fullest expression our own unique spark and mark that we make in this world, outside of any roles or titles that we take on, throughout the journey. We must be as interested in what makes us tick, as individuals, as we are dedicated to the support roles which we play in life. Otherwise we cheat ourselves and we cheat others out of how amazing and astonishing this experience of Life, that we all share together, can truly be.

TOP 25 ROLES IN LIFE QUOTES | A-Z Quotes

Quotes about Job titles (42 quotes)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Just Sat Me Down

Me, earlier this week, texting my friends, chirping away about all the worries we carry around with us, with our kids, even as they are mostly grown:

“I wish someone had sat me down and really spelled it out to me that this mom/worry thing is a lifetime appointment.“

Twenty-seven years ago, when I was deep in slumber:

Guardian Angel – Hi dear, I hear you bringing up the whole “starting up a family thing” a lot with your husband lately.

Me – Yep, I’m ready. If not now, then when? It’s baby time!

Guardian Angel – Okay, I’m sitting you down right now (even though you are sleeping) and I am making this really, really clear: A baby is a lifetime appointment.

Me – You mean like being a Supreme Court Justice?

Guardian Angel – No, because even Supreme Court Justices can retire. You will never ever, ever, ever, retire from being a mom, and thus, you will always be, at the very least, a slightly worried person, at all times.

Me – That’s fine! I’ve got this. I want a BIG family.

Guardian Angel – BIG families are full of BIG joy. But they are also full of BIG responsibilities and BIG worries. The worry part will be with you from the moment you put your precious little bundle into the car seat to go home from the hospital until the very moment it is time for you to leave this Earthly plane. It will never fully go away. Try to live in Faith, dear, but also understand that with just one baby “Worry” becomes your middle name for the rest of your life. It just comes with the package of being a mother of other human beings on this Earth. Am I making myself perfectly clear? Look at your mother, look at your mother’s mother, your father’s mother, your friends’ mothers, that woman at the grocery store with all of those kids hanging off of the cart? What do you see? Worriers! Frazzled worriers!!

Me – I got it. I got it. Okay! Don’t worry, GA. I’ll be a warrior, not a worrier. Isn’t that how the saying goes? I’ve got this. I’m easy going. Plus, I know you’ll be with me through the whole gig.

Guardian Angel – Okay, if I help you, with getting a little soul in place for you to mother, I’m going to need you to sign right here, stating that you fully understand that with each child, you will feel an incredible love like you have never felt, and it will be eternal, but the price of that love will be a little dollop of worry that will be on perma-drip in your brain for the rest of your life. Sign under the part that says, “I, in good sound mind and body, fully understand that the minute I become a mother, I will be worried for the rest of my life, to my last dying breath. I cannot have a child and not be worried. It’s a package deal. Sign here.”

Me, signs quickly, with perhaps not the amount of reflection that would have been prudent, but hey, I was young and my hormones were raging and my maternal urges were on fire. And each of the four times that I signed on that dotted line, were (besides marrying my husband) the best decisions that I have ever made in my entire life. (even with the constant flow of worry perma-dripping in the canals of my mind, even as I write this silly post.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Not-So-Funday Monday

Yesterday morning, right after I published my blog, I took my dogs outside. My phone rang and I saw that it was our middle son calling. I knew what he was going to say before I even said “hello.” He and my youngest son had gone to a local park to play in a pick-up soccer game. My youngest son had an epileptic seizure on the field, in the middle of the game. I am grateful that my middle son was with my youngest son during this time. My middle son is a student in medical school and he, like the rest of our family, has witnessed many of his little brother’s seizures. In fact, my middle son witnessed my youngest son having his first major seizure, when my middle son was driving them both to their high school, many years ago. He attributes that experience as one of the major reasons why he decided to go into medicine. My middle son knows what to do when a seizure happens. He took good care of his brother, as always. The local EMT crew came. They know us by name now. They took good care of my son, as always. Luckily, since they were on the grass, and his brother was with him, my youngest son wasn’t greatly hurt, just some sore muscles and a scratched up face from some pebbles in the grass. He came home to recover from his seizure. He came home to my waiting arms.

My regular readers know that we have been going through hell this fall with my son’s epilepsy. His seizures are currently not being well-controlled by medicine. In September and October, my son suffered at least one major seizure a week, landing him in the hospital three times. He is currently taking five different anti-seizure medications, as doctors scour for a medication combo and a dosage, that works to keep the seizures controlled. We were cautiously optimistic that we had finally found that holy grail of medications, because this November, our son was almost one-month seizure free. Yesterday ended that streak.

I feel horrible today. I felt horrible yesterday. I feel deflated, dejected and scared out of my mind. But, honestly, I felt wonderful throughout our Thanksgiving break with our family. I felt pretty good the week before Thanksgiving break. I even felt pretty good the week before the week before Thanksgiving break. I sometimes cautioned myself that “I was setting myself up for a big fall,” with all of my hopeful optimism, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to feel good again.

During Thanksgiving break, our family, all six of us, had a great time together. We cooked, we shopped, we went to the movies, we even went boating. My youngest son went to the gym with his brothers, and golfing with his buddies who were home for Thanksgiving break. I won’t pretend that I didn’t have nervous moments. I won’t pretend that I stopped being hyper-aware of any strange noises in the house. I won’t pretend that I didn’t keep my son on a strict medication schedule. But I relaxed, I laughed, I savored. I had so much fun. I felt so much joy.

And today I feel so, so sad, but during the rest of November, I mostly felt ease and comfort and relief, because I let myself feel those better feelings. If I had stayed miserable and fearful and depressed and angry, all of November, yesterday’s seizure would have still happened. Despite what we erroneously believe, worry doesn’t stop any negative experiences from happening. Worry doesn’t help anything at all, and we all know this, but I got a very clear example of this fact, taught to me with this lucid life experience. I am thankful that I let myself enjoy a nice, and hopeful month, because I would have still felt so, so sad today, even if I had fretted and worried and been miserable for the whole month of November.

I say to you this: if you are in a budding new relationship that you are enjoying, savor it. Experience this relationship fully and excitedly, without fretting if and when it is going to end. If you have lost a lot of weight, be proud of yourself. Delight in your triumph. Don’t spend time worrying if you are going to gain all of the weight back. If things are going well in your job, with your family, with your friends, with your health, with your bank account, with your life, soak it all in. Enjoy the good! Facts are, upsetting, negative things happen in life sometimes. That’s just the way of life. No one is immune. Save feeling lousy for those times. Save it up, and rightfully feel miserable when you are in the middle of a rough patch. But don’t let those awful feelings seep into your good times. Let your bad times, make your good times feel that much more amazing and glorious and precious. You are strong enough to handle adversity, and wise enough to know that by feeling happiness in the good times, you are giving yourself something to look forward to, when you are in the middle of experiencing your hard times. Give yourself the gift of savoring life in the moment.

In the bad times choose to grow stronger In the good times choose to enjoy fully

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Rest Your Wings

Today my eldest son is flying in, to be with us for the week. I’m so excited. He is a successful 25 year-old, living in a big city, doing work that he loves. (I have to stop right here, to state that I accidently typed “doing love that he works”. Freudian slip, perhaps? It got me to thinking that when you are living your passions, that is what you are doing. You are doing love. You are working love.)

Anyway, I have this giddy excitement about seeing my son and I thought about how funny it is, that roles often reverse, in our lives. When our children are little, they are so excited about Mommy and Daddy coming home. Whether coming home from work, or an evening out, or to pick them up at preschool, they are so excited to have Mommy and Daddy home with them. And now, that’s how I now feel about my grown kids. I am so excited to have everyone home for this holiday.

I don’t have too much in common with the real housewife, Kathy Hilton (mother of Paris Hilton and three other adult children), but what we do have in common is that we are both mothers of four children, and we both love the amazing, comforting feeling when all of our children are sleeping under one roof with us. I recently read an interview with Kathy Hilton, and she stated this shared experience, that most of us mothers feel. No matter what our circumstances, living styles, home sizes, etc., we mothers feel our calmest and best when all of our babies are in our nest. Simple nests, gilded nests, every kind of nest feels best when it is filled and feathered with all of our babies.

Inspiration CAN be found EVERYWHERE! | Empty nest quotes, College quotes, Empty nest syndrome

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.