Tag: middle age

A True Love Story

When I first decided to start my blog, I thought that I mainly should keep it to being about my own thoughts about this transitional middle stage time in my life.  I feel that my family’s and friends’ privacy is important, and I try only to mention them anecdotally, as it relates to my own experiences.  So, on my 24th wedding anniversary, which is today, how do I protect the privacy of the most important, meaningful relationship in my life and yet still express everything that this day means to me and more importantly, everything that my husband means to me?  There aren’t really words that can fully convey the blessing that it is, to be married to my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my life partner, “my person.”

When Gwyneth Paltrow asked her father how he and her mother had such a long, successful marriage, he said that they never wanted to be divorced at the same time.  I remember years ago, being at a wedding and watching this elderly couple dancing with each other, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes.  I was so enchanted, I sauntered up to them and asked them what the secret was, to their long, happy marriage.  They said, “Oh, we’re not married, honey.  We just started dating.”

People are always wanting to know the secret formula for everlasting love.  My husband and I were out celebrating our anniversary at a lovely restaurant this past Saturday.  The man who brought us our bread wished us “Happy Anniversary” and asked how many years we have been married.  When we said we have been married for 24 years, he looked utterly amazed.  He said, “Twenty-four years, Wow!  I can’t string together 24 months in a relationship.”

I wish I could explain “the secret formula” to having a long, successful, happy marriage.  Just like all the centenarians who give conflicting advice on the secret of having a long life, I’m not really sure that there is just one answer, or just one way.  I just feel incredibly blessed and lucky and thankful that the formula my husband and I have created, works for us.  I’m totally in love with my husband.  I love the life we have created together and I’m so grateful for the many life adventures we have shared.  I cherish our family.

When we were in a lovely hotel one time, my husband took a picture of a saying, hanging up on the wall and he texted it to me.  It said, “A True Love Story Never Ends”.  I hope that our love story never ends, because our love is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Our love has brought forth everything that I hold dear in my life.  Happy Anniversary, my love.  Thank you for everything!

Stand Back or Get Close

“Being impressive makes people stand back to take you in.  Being vulnerable brings people closer to take you in.” – Holiday Mathis

I read the above quote recently.  I thought how true a statement it really is, in many ways.  We work so hard to impress people sometimes, but that really does keep other people at a distance, at arm’s length.  If we want to keep everyone at an admiring distance, we can try to stay impressive.  But if we want to experience real closeness, we have to be brave enough to be vulnerable and show our cracks.  As Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

I read once that some of the most dangerous “drugs” to get addicted to are:  approval, appreciation and attention.  When we are dependent on these things, we are not being ourselves. We are being what we think we have to be, in order to get others to like us.  Living to impress others, living to get others’ approval, appreciation and attention, never allows us to truly get up-close and personal with people.  It keeps us in a state of loneliness, even if we are receiving applause.

When it comes to friends, I always tell my children that it is better to have four quarters than 100 pennies.  To have a few people in your life, who know you truly and love you deeply, cracks and all, is one of the greatest blessings in life.  When you hold yourself back in a state of always trying to impress others, you miss out on true intimacy and the beautiful, real reflection of yourself from the eyes of someone who truly knows the core of you and loves you for it.

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel.  That is the purpose of life.” – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

 

 

 

Funky Florida

I wasn’t surprised at all that the guy who ended up sending all of those bombs through the mail was from Florida.  I can say that.  I live in Florida and I love living in Florida, but so do a lot of freaky people.

Before we moved to Florida seven years ago, whenever we would see any crazy news story, my husband and I would look at each other and say, “I bet that happened in Florida.”  About 90 percent of the time, we were right.  A lot of wacky events happen right here in the Sunshine State.  We still say that to each other whenever a jaw dropping event occurs.

Why is it that a lot of people are probably nodding their heads right now agreeing with me about all the bizarre stuff that happens here in FLA?  I think it is because of a lot of things.  Florida is the third most populous state in the country.  Someone once told me that Florida is just a small microcosm of the whole United States.  We have people from every state and country in the world residing here.  Rarely do I meet people that are actually from Florida.  Most people who come here usually have had one winter too many and just can’t take it anymore.  I do have one friend who grew up right where we live in Florida.  I said to him, “Wow.  You’ve never lived anywhere else??”  He said, “Why would I want to?”

So, Florida has a huge, diverse population.  It’s an attractive place to live, due to it’s tropical nature, mild winters and beaches galore.  We don’t have state income taxes, we have a lot of big professional sports franchises, amazing theme parks and great universities.  Maybe even the crazies are sane enough to know that it’s a pretty good place to live, albeit being very hot and humid.   There are some studies that show that heat does amp up irritability and aggression.

I hope that there aren’t readers out there going, “Oh, now I get it.  Her writings are very interesting in a little “off” kind of way.  But, hey, she’s from Florida.”

How to Branch Out

I have written before about the fact that I have started a game that I call Family Hashtag.  Every day my immediate family members post a hashtag and a word or a phrase that reflects the kind of day that they are having, to a family chat.   It is my sneaky way to get comfort in the fact that they are all alive and breathing and still interested in connecting with the family unit.  We have quite a streak going now, of not missing a day when we all have posted to the chat.  My daughter posted this the other day:

#Let’sGetThisBread

My sons immediately connected with it and they knew exactly what she was talking about.  As it seems to be the way of things these days, I had to “look it up” for my husband and I to get caught up on the knowledge.  Apparently it has become quite a popular meme in the last week or so.  It means (from a good source on the internet):

The term itself is nothing new – it’s just a sort of encouragement to work hard and get the rewards that the work brings.

I had the feeling that’s what it might mean but I didn’t want to use it in the wrong sense and embarrass myself and my family (it’s happened before).  Apparently, I’m not the only person in my generation who was a tad confused.  I read that when one man got the same “Let’s Get This Bread” text from his son, he offered to stop at Costco after work to buy a loaf.

This is such a weird stage of life when you feel like you are straddling two cultural entities.  One of my feet is sitting comfortably in the nostalgia and familiarity of my slightly outdated tastes in music, manners and the comfort of rooms in my house that reluctantly need to be updated.  The other foot feels like it needs to step forward and stay relevant and interested and connected with the things that are striking a chord in my children and the members of their generation.  Sometimes I look at my dogs wistfully and think, “Damn, it would be a lot easier to be a dog.”

We are getting quotes on updating a bathroom in our home that is very retro 1980s style.  We’re not sure whether to hang on long enough knowing that it very soon may turn into a valuable antique relic room that we could offer tours and charge money to see it.  Recently, while shopping, I saw a game called “90s Nostalgia Game”.  I thought to myself, “Wow, if we are starting to get nostalgic for the 90s, that can only mean everything that I have from the 1970s and 1980s has to be museum quality.”

Anyway, we have been gathering quotes.  The first man who came out to give us a quote on updating our bathroom was the age that I am starting to see in a lot of authority figures around town, like police officers and teachers and store managers.  He was probably about 30, just slightly older than my kids.  He looked aghast when he saw the bathroom he had to work with and essentially gave me the idea that we would probably just have to blow up that entire corner of our home.  The second lady to come out to look at our bathroom was my around my age.  I was drinking a Green Vibrance Smoothie and we connected over that, comparing how much flax seed we both add to our smoothies these days.  When she looked at our bathroom, I think we both got a little misty-eyed.  I thought she might put her arm around me and we would bond over the overdone, yet strangely charming opulence of the 1980s.  I honestly liked and connected to both of these designers very much.  I think they both had very interesting ideas and points of view.

Perhaps it is a blessing to be in this stage of life where you have to expand and grow to be able to communicate and relate with your children and younger colleagues, yet you are still able to relate to the older generations and to retain an appreciation for the footing that they have provided.  Perhaps this time of life is actually the most expansive we’ll ever be.  If you look at a horseshoe curve, the middle part is the big bend.  It is pulled in two directions, so it is the longest stretch.  The middle part of the horseshoe curve has the biggest curve in it.  It must be like the seasoned branches of a tree that are able to be bent, but they are green enough so they don’t break.  Branches like this are old enough and long enough to be bowed, but still have enough vitality and youthfulness in them to not be too old, and brittle, and stuck; to just break and splinter and disintegrate.  Today, I consider myself a blessed, curved branch in this Tree of Life.

Why Shouldn’t You Love Yourself?

I love the voice of the singer Norah Jones.  I played her Come Away With Me album so much, I fear that I may have turned the rest of my family off to her.  But I think Norah Jones has one of the most gorgeous, soothing, silvery singing voices I have ever heard.  The other day I was listening to her sing the remake of the Hank Williams song, “How Many Times Have You Broken My Heart?”  It is a great remake and an easy song to sing along to, but then I got to thinking about the lyrics.  We are supposed to feel sorry for the singer who has repeatedly been hurt by a straying lover.  And you can’t help but feel sorry for the singer, to a point . . . . . . Then, after a while, if you were a good, true, honest friend to the singer, you would probably have to say, “Stop being a victim.  Stop being complicit in your own pain.  Take back your power.  Love yourself.”

That may sound harsh, but it is true.  When we stay in victim mode, we give away our power.  When we stay with repeatedly abusive people and unchanging abusive situations, we start to fall into the realm of self-abuse.  All abuse is wrong.  Self-abuse is abuse.  Accepting abuse is self-abuse.  Again, all abuse is wrong.

We’ve been conditioned to love others, take care of others and to be “selfless.”  But the truth is, we can’t give our best love to others without truly loving ourselves first.  Hurting people hurt people.

“If the nasty voices in conditioned mind are allowed to be cruel to us, it will follow as the night, the day, that we will be cruel to others.  That’s just the way it is.  We can’t be with anyone else in ways that we are not with ourselves.” – Cheri Huber

I was discussing the above quote with friends and a few of them didn’t agree with it.  They felt that they could be loving and kind to others and still be incredibly harsh to themselves.  And that may be true to a point, but if you are unfailingly loving to yourself wouldn’t it all but guarantee that you would only know love as a way of being?  If your only way of being is the the way of love, then it follows that it wouldn’t be possible to be anything but loving to yourself and to others.  Why should loving yourself not be a part of the equation?

“The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself.  And if you have that, any other relationship is a plus and not a must.” – Diane von Furstenberg

If you learn to love yourself the way that you want to be loved, you are fulfilled.  In that sense, when you enter into any relationship you are bringing a fulfilled, whole person into the partnership or friendship or relation.  There is not neediness or expectation, just the joy of shared love, commonalities and experiences.  In healthy relationships you are enhancing each other’s lives, bringing fullness and excitement and mutual interest to each other’s experiences.  But you are not dependent on the other person to create that fullness, excitement, and interest.  You are multiplying it together.

Charlie Chaplin said, “As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is not good for my health- food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.  Today I know it is Love of Oneself.”

 

 

 

What is Your One-Hundred?

Today is my 100th day of blogging!  It’s been 100 days since my eldest little birdie took off from the nest to start his own adult life.  This is post number 100.  Thank you so much for being there with me, as I have navigated my confusion and grief and curiosity about my changing role in this middle-age stage of life.  Thank you for helping me to establish this blog and supporting my voice and validating what I have to say.  I have heard many reports that this blog is “relatable.”  I appreciate that.  I’m glad that I am not alone in my observations.  I hope that you will stay with me for 100 more blog posts because I’m just at the starting block of this Second Half of Adulting.

Why is 100 such a benchmark number?  I remember when my kids were in kindergarten, they couldn’t wait for the 100th day of school.  On that day, they brought in their magnificent 100 penny posters, designed any way that they liked with the pennies glued into all sorts of designs.  They dressed like little old grannies and grandpas with baby powder in their hair and they wore scratchy cardigan sweaters.  The 100th day of school was a very special day for them.

I looked up the significance of the number 100.  This is what one site said:

The numerology number 100 represents energy that’s self-determined, independent, and has infinite potential.

100 can be seen as a practically unlimited number 1.

The urban dictionary said this:

one-hundred
a one-hundred means what is your motto for life. you are 100% you and you live by this.
“What is your one-hundred?”

 

So 100 seems to refer to “your best” – giving 100 percent to what you do.  Some websites referred to a century, saying that what happens in 100 years is the most significant breakdown of time and history for human beings.

 

I looked up advice from centenarians (people who have lived for 100 years) for this post.  A lot of the advice contradicted other centenarians advice, such as drink three whiskeys every day to don’t ever drink alcohol.  The advice that did seem pretty consistent from all of them was:  don’t worry, be loving and lovable, be interested and interesting, and just do your thing.  In other words, they were saying, You Be You.  Just be and enjoy it along the way.  I think it was best summed up this way by one centenarian:

 

“Take one day at a time, and go along with the tide.”

Warning: It’s Obvious That You’re Not Listening

“The biggest communication problem is we don’t listen to understand.  We listen to reply.” – Stephen Covey

I wish this statement wasn’t true for me, but it is, unfortunately, very true.  It’s like when someone starts talking, key words that they are saying start pinging and all of my experiences that have anything to do with those key words come to the forefront of my mind, banging loudly and insistently, to get out into the open.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I said, “I don’t mean to interrupt but . . . ”  I wouldn’t need to buy Mega Millions lottery tickets.

A friend in a book club of mine was a psychologist who studied group dynamics.  In order for group communication to be effective, she said that you should let at least three other people speak before you speak again. I wonder if waiting that amount of time makes you finally start listening to others or if it just means you are better formulating in your mind what you are going to say next?

I guess not being a good listener kind of makes you a “know-it-all.”  It means you must think that you have already heard it all, seen it all, processed it all and it is only you there needed to spout it all out.  It is like arrogantly believing that the person you are talking to hasn’t gone through meaningful life experiences that you could gain any knowledge from.  It’s assuming that they are just lumps of clay there to absorb all of your thoughts, explanations and stories without believing that they have anything interesting or insightful to say.  Ugh!  When you look at it that way, you realize how much you miss out on by not really being present to what someone else is saying.  By devising your next soliloquy while the other person is talking, you are cheating them out of an attentive listener and you are cheating yourself out of absorbing some possibly truly important wisdom and delightful observations.

“You can’t fake listening.  It shows.” – Raquel Welch

Corny, But True

I’m in love with Nebraska’s tourism campaign. “Honestly, it’s not for everyone.”  How pure and real is that!  I’ve never been to Nebraska, but if the people there are that down-to-earth, I want to go there.

I looked up more of their tourism ads.  One talked about something Nebraskans do called “tanking”.  They float down slow moving rivers in giant, metal livestock tanks.  So, in essence, they are like live, people-sized apple bobbers.

That particular tourism ad, that mentions tanking, reads, “In Nebraska, we believe that only boring people get bored.  So we invent our own fun.”  So, Nebraskans are creative, fun and down-to-earth.  Now, I really want to go there.

When our middle son was 18-months-old, he still hadn’t started walking.  So like all good, relaxed parents, we compared him to our first child (we ignored all of the child psychologists who say never to compare your children). Our eldest son walked right on time according to the baby books, so we completely freaked out about our second son.  We took him to a prestigious child development unit at a renowned Children’s Hospital.   He checked out as completely normal and healthy.  One of the doctors said to me, “You know, it is often the sign of the most intelligent people, who can entertain themselves right where they are without needing to go anywhere.”  For the record, my middle son is now a Biochemistry major in college with plans to go to medical school.  And he holds track records at his high school.  Mamas, keep calm and carry on.  Your babies are fine!

That doctor who advised me about my child must have hailed from Nebraska.  Only boring people get bored.  Now that we have our magical mystery cell phones, I guess all of us can easily stay in one place and not get bored.  I wonder, though, how well we would do without the entertainment of the phone?  Would we be good at inventing our own fun?

I think I am going to try to be more Nebraskan in my every day life.  No, I’m not going to eat more corn.  It gets stuck in my teeth.  However, I am going to try to be more “real”, and try to take myself less seriously.  I’m going to try to make the most of exactly where I am in the moment and I’m going to try to see all of the possibilities that are right there in front of me, without chasing “some perfect somewhere else”.  I realize that this exercise is “not for everyone”, but for me, I’m seeing the value of walking like a Nebraskan.

Frinally!

“If Friday had a face, I would kiss it.” – Empowered Partnerships

Happy Friday, my friends!!  “Frinally!”- Empowered Partnerships (again)

I can’t kiss anything today, actually.  My lips won’t pucker due to the tooth/gum surgery I had yesterday.  It’s like a flashback to the traumatic time back when I was a teenager and I had my impacted wisdom teeth removed.  I look like Alvin’s or Theodore’s girlfriend.

Friday always puts me in a good mood, in a good mental space, but today is more of a low-key, chill, good mood.   It might have something to do with the pain meds . . . .

New readers, first of all, thanks for reading!  I love all of my readers.  You make me feel so happy and heard.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Fridays, I stay at the superficial level and write about three favorite things such as products, songs, twitter feeds, etc. that just make my life a little more peachy!  Please check out previous Fridays for ideas.  There are so many Favorite Things Fridays now, it might as well be a catalog.

Here goes today’s favorites:

Rubbermaid Animal Stopper Garbage Can – I don’t like writing reviews on Amazon, but this garbage can is so effective, I think that I did take the time to write a review about this one.  We keep our garbage cans on the outside of our house.  We had a giant raccoon who decided to become a next-door neighbor to our garbage cans.  He felt like he had hit the jackpot and our garbage became his nightly buffet, like he was on a cruise or something.  His ability to spread garbage on our lawn was legendary.  Every morning, we wondered what kind of mess we would be waking up to and we would fight over who got to clean it up that day. We tried all the different anti-animal sprays on the market.  We tried all sorts of bungee ties and different garbage cans and this is the only garbage can that actually worked!  Ranger Rick finally moved on.  There are claw and teeth marks all over our garbage can and it was tipped on its side a lot of days, but that masked bandit could not get this garbage can lid off!  Worth every penny!

Lancome Advanced Genifique Yeux Light-Pearl Eye Illuminator –  Yikes, try saying that three times while chewing some peanuts.  I really wish I didn’t like this under-eye treatment.  I’m all about being able to get away with drug store brands if I can, but this stuff is really good.  I have never found an eye serum I have liked until now.  Now, no cream is a miracle when you are approaching 50, but this is the first one that I saw a marked difference in the skin under my eyes within a few days of using it.  Pricey, yes.  Worth it, yes.  The Lancome counters at the department stores and at Ulta, carry samples of this, so ask for some samples first to see if it works for you.  Then, break open the piggy bank and treat yourself.  It’s Friday!

Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse Thin & Crispy Triple Chocolate Chip Cookies – When my husband and I first got married, we lived near to a Pepperidge Farm Outlet.  That place made me as happy as our friend the raccoon was, before we got the Animal Stopper garbage can.  I love all things Pepperidge Farm, but this particular flavor of cookie is over-the-top yum.  It’s a new-ish addition to the Pepperidge Farm Family of All Things Delicious.  A bag of these cookies doesn’t last a hot minute in our household (unless you find a good hiding spot for the bag.  SHHHH!)  Come on, moms, don’t pretend like you don’t have your own little hidden hideaways for “treats for harried heads of household.”

Okay, time to get back to icing my cheeks.  Feel free to send sympathy and love to me via the Comments section and add favorite things of your own while you’re at it.  I won’t mind at all.

“May Today Be The Fridayest Friday That Ever Fridayed.” – Lilybels.Co.Uk

What’s On the Inside?

“Do you know what most people wish for when it comes to improving their own life?

More stuff.  Especially abundance.

Because they think having more stuff will contribute to their overall happiness.

But do you know what most people wish for when it comes to the lives of the ones they most love and cherish?

Happiness, peace, creative work, fulfilling relationships.

Because they understand that once these things are in order, stuff, especially abundance will take care of itself.” – Mike Dooley, TUT

I bought a couple of tickets to the Mega Millions lottery yesterday after seeing a news story hyping the fact that it is now around 900 million dollars.  The man at the convenience store who sold me the tickets told me that I came to buy them at the right time.  He said that by today, the lines to buy a ticket would soon be out the door.  “It’ll be like Walmart on Black Friday!” is what he quipped to me.

Years ago, one of our babysitter’s father won several million dollars in the lottery.  I remember him telling me that the best thing that came from winning, was not the early retirement, or the big house, or the many trips to Disney. He said that the best part about winning was the feeling of security that he had gotten. The best part for him was not the material things the lottery winnings provided, but a feeling inside of him that gave him peace.  Lately, I have been seeing a lot of examples of how important it is that the insides of things, structures and people, be solid and clean and pure, in order to keep the outside facade from crumbling.

We had to have a stucco trellis by our front door repaired yesterday.  Despite regular cleaning and pressure washing and a fresh coat of paint, the decay from the inside wood was causing the structure to deteriorate and fall apart.  The structure had to be stripped down.  The old, decayed parts needed to be removed and it had to be rebuilt from the inside out, in order to remain strong to withstand future harsh weather and even to survive the pelting, warm sunshine.  I have to have a procedure on my mouth today.  A crown that I have does not want to stay in place, because the bone underneath the gum is not doing a good job of stabilizing my tooth.  In order for my smile to stay pretty, the inside structure of the tooth and the gum has to be strengthened and evened out.

Iyanla Vanzant wrote, “Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.”

It is the strongest people in the world who admit that they need help.  It is the strongest people who are willing to open up and look to see what needs to be repaired on the inside.  It is the strongest people who know that a clean, clear, strong inside is the only thing that will keep the outside structure and facade from eventually crumbling and breaking down.  The insides create and sustain the outsides.

It is possible to feel secure and abundant without winning the lottery.  It is possible to feel miserable and fearful after winning the lottery.  Happiness and peace are inside jobs. Once those radiant feelings are flowing on the inside, the outside can’t help but be a reflection of the beautiful light that is glowing from within.

“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” – Eckhart Tolle