In a time period in history, where “service to self” seems to be the common theme, it is an honor to pay our greatest respects to amazing people who give themselves to something bigger than themselves. Is there anything more brave, selfless, honorable than this? Veterans, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
As a mother of three sons, early on, I started considering how I would be a good, kind, interesting mother-in-law so that my adult kids would still want to come around. Our youngest child is our daughter and of course, I want to be a good mother-in-law to her spouse, too, but for many reasons, the stereotype of bad mother-in-laws always seems to be related to mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.
I read an article that the above Tik Tok went viral recently. And honestly, I believe that the Tik Toker’s advice is good to heed, in order to have excellent relationships with anybody, not just in-laws. “Fill your own damn cup.” If you rely on other people, your relationships, your roles and your “image” for your own happiness, you will be chasing your tail forever, never achieving it. It is our job as humans to fill our own damn cups. And when we fill our own damn cups, we feel happy, and satisfied, and engaged with life. And thus, we are pleasures to be around. We are not eeking dissatisfaction, anger, neediness and resentment that leads to controlling, and guilt-tripping and utilizing aggressive and passive aggressive behavior.
In other words, it is our job in life to be joyful. And joyfulness comes from within. No one else can give us joy, and we should not allow others to steal our joy. We should share our joy, which if we are doing life right, our joy should be bubbling over our filled cups. When we do this, we become delightful, interesting, engaging friends, spouses, parents, in-laws, neighbors, cousins, children, people. Here are some quotes that have struck me in their wisdom for decades and I have shared them on the blog before but they bear repeating:
“No. The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. Once you have that, any other relationship becomes a plus and not a must — and, therefore it becomes luxury, and that is important. The relationship should be a plus, not a must.” – Diane Von Furstenberg
“I don’t think the parent and child should be so intimate that it becomes a jail for the child. I’ve tried to help my children to become themselves.” – Paloma Picasso
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” – Kahlil Gibran
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Maybe this is just in my mind, but my experience in going about my daily chores yesterday, is that we women were just a little teeny bit kinder to each other. There was a little more sweetness, a little more understanding and a little more compassion felt for one another. I sensed it. Deeply.
No matter what your politics are, and no matter who you voted for, as women, earlier this week, we were on the brink of something none of us have ever experienced in our lifetimes before – an American woman as president. And I have to believe, that even in the most diehard Republican woman out there, there was at least a teeny, teeny part of her (that teeny part of her that was promised as a little girl that a woman can do anything), who found that idea exciting and hopeful and vindicating. And yet it was not to be . . . .
There is good that comes out of everything. Yesterday, I found a knowing kinship with other women (most of them strangers to me), that I honestly haven’t felt in a long time. And it was good.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I wasn’t going to write today. Today is a big, interesting, emotionally charged day in the history of our country. But then I saw this quote, and I had to make sure that it was kept in the annals of my blog. (I see my blog as my own personal “thought museum”). There are so many times, in the history of my own life, that my life has gotten better and bigger when I finally realized that I had been giving my own power away, and so I stopped doing it. I took control of my own life, and my own destiny. I started trusting my own inner compass, more than the noise and distractions outside of me. When you get these “a-ha” moments, much like Dorothy and her shoes, when she realized that she had the power within her all along to get home (to herself) and away from Oz, these realizations are shocking, upsetting, incredulous but then freeing and energizing and empowering. You are more powerful than you realize. Don’t give your power away. Stop letting your mind be your own enemy. Channel your own mind with the eternal wisdom of the life force within you. You are powerful. Step into it.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Wow. I am really at an exhale point. And it feels so good. The extra hour of sleep could not have arrived at a better time. October was a month of distractions of major proportions for me – good ones (enjoyable visits with loved ones, and fun, energizing personal projects) and bad ones (two major hurricanes rolling through my town). And in my life, at least for now, things feel back to a little more even keel (not counting the crazy, suspenseful election and that’s all I will say about this. This is not a political page. There are countless ones of those all over the internet and in your neighborhood and on your TV and in your face – I think that one thing that we all can agree on, is that it will be really, really good for this presidential election to be done and over with.)
I’ve noticed that a life lesson that is really being drummed into me at this time in my life, is just how much I value accountability. Reliability, accountability, doing what you say you are going to do, no excuses, etc., etc. is really, really important to me. I’d much prefer “under promising and over-delivering” to anything else. I value kind, direct and honest communication. Thankfully, my closest family and friends are those people. My family and my friends are my rocks. Rarely am I disappointed by any of them. I have chosen wisely. I also try to be the same dependable and reliable person for the people in my life. If I say that I am going to do something, I do everything I can to stand by my word.
People who aren’t reliable often don’t have bad intentions. They are usually good people with good intentions, but are often not organized nor realistic. They tend to be people pleasers, who promise the moon, and think that they’ll figure out a solution to getting you the moon, later . . . . And then, what’s so hard in these situations is that often the disappointed party, ends up feeling like “the bad guy” for calling the unaccountable party out. Often times the person who gets let down feels badly for feeling disappointed and angry and frustrated. People who are manipulative snakes know what they are doing, and they don’t feel badly about leaving you in a lurch. (but the true, evil snakes of the world, are few and far between. Call me Pollyanna, if you will, but this has been my experience in my almost 54 years of life) So, the usual situation which I have experienced is a transaction between two good people who want a satisfactory experience, but one person is not good at living up to their word, and the other person has to keep lowering and lowering their expectations. And then it becomes sad and squirmy and an overall negative experience for all of the parties concerned.
I just had to get this out. Thank you for witnessing me, friends.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. I have known my husband since I was 18 years old. We met on my first weekend in college. I have spent my entire adult life with my husband. He is the most important person in my life and he always will be. I’m still very much in love with my husband. I believe that he is still in love with me. I understand that this is special. I understand that this is a rarity. I am totally, totally grateful.
My eldest son just got engaged. My second eldest son has been ring shopping (and I can say this because he and his girlfriend went ring shopping together). What has been my advice to my sons and their significant others for a long and happy marriage? Always, always put your “marriage” first. When you get married, the marriage becomes its own living entity. When you make your marriage the most important thing in your life, and you nurture it, and you believe in it, and you give it your highest attention and your energy, it will give you everything that you gave it, back in spades. (Now I realize that it takes two people who are willing to treat the marriage like a sacred child to raise and to adore and to be committed to in life, but if you do your part, and you believe that your spouse will do the same, then the battle is already won.)
Our married life hasn’t been perfect. Life isn’t perfect. However, my marriage has been the most vital part of 30 years of really good living. My marriage is my sanctuary, my comfort, my joy, my adventures, my framework for how I go about living my life. It’s been perfect for me.
J, thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in our sacred marriage as much as I do. Thank you for everything. I love you forever and ever and ever.
When I was shopping with my future daughter-in-law last week, she pointed out a poster of Hocus Pocus with a smile on her face. She told me that she loves that movie. I smiled to myself for a different reason. I immediately thought of my three aunts.
Now, I mean no disrespect to my aunts. My aunts are way more attractive, alluring, kind and interesting than the stereotypical, storybook witch. But to me, in my own inner version of what a witch is, my aunts fit the bill: magical, crafty, resilient, mysterious, wise, attuned to nature, assured in themselves, faithful to Life. My aunts have always been a fun, spoiling, soft spot in my life since I was a little girl, but as I have grown older they have also become my inspirations.
My (only) three aunts are all in their 70s, yet they stay fit and active and “with it.” They are adventuresome and confident. I call this year, “The Year of the Aunts”. This is the first year in a long while which I have experienced one-on-one visits with each of my aunts. This is a rarity. We all lead busy lives and we are all spread out in different states. One of my aunts even lives in a different country.
We women need each other (even as awful as we can be to each other), and we need each other in all forms. We need our female friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, cousins, grandmothers, mentors, and aunts. Sometimes one of our female cohorts is more than just one of those things to us. We women are that powerful. We can be shapeshifters if need be. There is something unrepeatable in the strength at the core of a woman. We know this fact deeply and intimately, and we inevitably share the wells of this female strength and wisdom when we convene with each other.
I have always loved my aunts, but I didn’t realize until this past decade, how much I need them. I didn’t realize how much they teach me, just by being themselves. I didn’t realize the depth of the nourishment I get from each of them, and the familial care and concern they have always held for me, even when we are not with each other. I hope and pray, that I can be the same source of solidity and comfort for my nieces and nephews, in different stages of our lives. My own aunts have treated me, as if this was their sacred duty. Perhaps it is . . . .
Aunts, I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
******Dear Friends and Readers, I have an announcement to make. I am no longer going to be blogging on a daily basis. I have some fun, new personal projects going on, which are currently taking up a lot of my time and my attention. I made a vow when I embarked on our empty nest, to never have, nor make any relationships based on fear, obligation or guilt. And lately, bloggling on a daily basis has felt more like an obligation, and that has never been the spirit of the blog. I always want my writing to be done out of feelings: as an urgent need, or a deep joy, or an enticing pulling. At this time, I still plan to keep the blog open, so that I can make an occasional post here or there. I want to thank you all for your dedication to reading Adulting Second-Half and for your precious time and for your attention. Thank you for taking this journey with me, from the very beginning (summer of 2018!), or somewhere along the way. Thank you for your kindness and your validation and your thoughtful comments. Thank you from the deepest wells of my heart. Thank you for helping me to grow and for being a witness to my growth. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sundays are devoted to poetry. Today’s poem by Mary Oliver is one of the best poems I have ever read:
Wild Geese | Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
2996. What do you think people undervalue today?
This meme cracks me up. Interestingly, it was my youngest self who was the surest that she knew everything. Now, I am just grateful that my ever constant guardian angel, kept me alive.
Life is a constant growing process and it never stops until our ending day. It is strange to be in my mid-fifties, and to be able to reflect on, and to laugh at my many, many younger selves (that sweet little girl, that deeply insecure teenager who came off as so full of herself, that naive twenties lady who was pregnant and tired a lot, that slightly rebellious thirties woman who seemed to be trying to relive her teen years, that female in her forties who had to unlearn everything that she thought she already knew.) I wonder what my sixties self will think about my fifties version? I think that “idiot” is a bit harsh. I think that it is best to look at all versions of ourselves with love, and compassion and understanding, but also to be humble enough to know that we are in an ever-evolving state of growth. If we do this, we walk hand-in-hand with our guardian angels, as we journey onward into the days of our lives.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
2070. Have you ever slept outdoors?
Good morning! Happy Lucky Friday the 13th!!! Fridays are the best days of the week, aren’t they?? Fridays are equally full of both anticipation and relaxation. As most of you know, Fridays are for favorites on the blog. I learned about the above item, when a friend sent a picture of herself donning one, to our group chat. I’ll leave it up to your imagination, the jokes that ensued. That being said, another friend vouched for the “Headache Relief Hat” ‘s effectiveness for her headaches. As one who is prone to migraines, I decided to order one for myself for $15 on Amazon. Thankfully, I haven’t had a migraine since I received my Headache Relief Hat, but I am currently wearing it right now and I must say, it feels wonderful, even without a headache. It is nice and cool and soothing.
I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend! Three quarters of our kids are home this weekend and we have movie night planned for tonight, so I am a happy camper. Love and luck on this auspicious day!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
658. What is your favorite popcorn topping?
