inspiration Archives - Page 46 of 80 - Adulting: Second- Half

Trying

Friends and I were having a discussion about different frustrations going on in our lives. I blurted out “That’s why it is so hard trying to be healthier in a world that mostly isn’t!” My friend said, “That’s a profound statement.”

By the time we reach middle age, my husband likes to say that pretty much everyone has gone through at least “one major biggie.” Something happens that rocks your world. Whether it be a major health situation, a relationship breakdown, or a career crisis, or something of the like, these are the pivotal moments in our lives. These are the moments where you either decide to get introspective and mindful, owning the parts that you play in the situation, and coming to the realization that the only person whose thoughts and actions you have any control over, are your own. Or, you stay mired in the victimhood of the situation, casting blame and moping in despair, on the throne of martyrdom, until the next crisis rears its ugly head.

It’s lonely to work on getting healthier in mind, body and spirit. There are plenty places to do it: nature, gyms, health food stores, churches, therapists, self-help books, support groups, yoga studios, etc., but oftentimes, if the quick fix doesn’t happen, we swiftly go back to our old habits, patterns and beliefs and feel sorry for ourselves. We always want the quick fix – a magic pill, with an absolute 100% guarantee.

It’s difficult, in any situation, to feel like you are that only kid who sees/accepts that the emperor obviously isn’t wearing any clothes. It feels lonely. Whether it is noticing all of the processed crap in our grocery stores, or facing all of the unhealthy communication styles in every social institution that we have (such as manipulation, passive aggressive comments, sarcasm, bullying, and sneaky half-truths. It’s funny that we’re so afraid of “direct communication” because we think that it is “mean”, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest and clear form of communication which we can utilize. People can deal with being disappointed that you aren’t able to go/do/be something that they want you to go/do/be, and you can live and deal with the knowledge that the person is disappointed. We’ve all coped with all sorts of disappointment in our lives, and we’re all still standing.) When we can sit with our own difficult emotions, instead of lashing out, or doing mindless, addictive behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, or depressively shaming ourselves for having negative feelings, we are on a healthy road to acceptance and self-love and compassion for ourselves and for others. The ability to sit with our own difficult emotions is a simple process, but not an easy one. It’s actually pretty grueling. It takes constant practice and discipline to decide to work on being the healthiest version of ourselves. And that’s why it seems to be such a rare phenomenon in our society. Any family, social group, institution is usually only as healthy as its least healthy member.

It’s not our jobs to “fix” anyone but ourselves. Self improvement is a lot in itself. And when we keep the focus on ourselves, we can notice the unhealthiness in the people and the organizations and institutions surrounding us. We can use these observations to place boundaries to keep a safe path for ourselves to continue to grow and to heal and to prosper in our own lives. A great question to start with, to really get a detached view of yourself, and your individual beliefs, is to take a look at a situation that bothers you, and ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may be incredibly surprised about some of the falsehoods, silliness, and level of emotional control you have given to others, in this particular happening.

Our “stories” often aren’t full of facts at all. They are mostly our own perceptions, based on our own emotions and past experiences. My eldest son and I love watching indie films and thought-provoking shows, and talking about them afterwards. My husband and I recently watched “The White Lotus” and we really liked it and we recommended it to him. As expected, he loved the show and he binge watched it. When my son and I discussed the show, I was amazed at what stood out to him (parts that seemed relatively inconsequential to me). He made a lot of references and analogies to meditation, an interest of his that has he has been spending a lot of time on lately. I laughed to myself. My son is 26 and I’m almost 52. He’s half my age. Of course, what stood out for him in the show, would be different than what made an impression on me. I imagine if we both wrote reviews of “The White Lotus”, people might wonder if we watched the same show.

When I am being mindful, I notice when I am judging others for their lack of self-introspection, and then I can notice my physical, mental, and spiritual response to my judgment. What story am I telling myself about this person/situation/experience?

The sewing project above, if it were truly healthy (and not just cute and funny) would read, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with their own perceptions about, and need to control the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” But that of course, would make the sewing project above much more time-consuming, difficult, and expensive, wouldn’t it now? That would be quite a demanding project.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Not Woke to Care

I read an excellent thread on Twitter this morning written by Daniel Blackmon (@UncleRedLeg), who, in his own words, is this: “Army COL, Field Artillery Junkie, husband, dad, lifter and pretty good golfer.” It was in response to a family member asking Blackmon how he felt about the military having to deal with all of this “woke crap . . .You know all that inclusion crap, all that can’t call parents ‘mom’ and ‘dad,’ all that pronoun stuff.”

My husband and I are both children of fathers who served in the military. Our family has quite a few military veterans and I am extremely proud of that fact. I was curious about an Army Colonel’s response to this question, because quite honestly, all of our fast moving societal changes, has me, this sometimes obtuse and stubborn, middle-aged lady confused and muddled and frustrated and trying to balance and to explore what I think is right and is healthy and is worth supporting. I LOVE Colonel Daniel Blackmon’s point of view. I think what the bottom line of his essay is saying is to stop making assumptions. Get to know people, individually. Be earnestly and openly curious about everyone whom you meet. If you want to earn people’s respect and trust, ask questions and listen to their answers. Daniel Blackmon says it best:

“So, inclusion…why is it important? Inclusion is not about overtly empowering people who don’t deserve it. The cream will always rise to the top. It’s about applying a level playing field as much as that’s possible. Some folks will always have more talent, more brains, more acumen for leadership, more hustle. These are not traits that any one group of people have a monopoly on. Inclusion is about caring about your people irrespective of what they look like, what kind of background they come from, or who they love. Inclusion is about building trust that might not initially exist because of all of those previous reasons. . . . . . If I have to give an order to a group of people that will put them in harms way, they damn sure better trust me enough to know that I have done everything within my power to ensure maximum levels of success because if they don’t and I didn’t, the results will be catastrophic. . . . . I am committed to let my people know I care about them because trust is a two way street and if you don’t have the trust of your Soldiers, you don’t have their respect. The men and women of our Army are raised by all types, a mom and dad, just a mom, just a dad, 2 moms, 2 dads, uncles, aunts, grandparents, foster parents and the list goes on. What I’ve taken to doing is not asking about their mom or dad but asking, “Who do you call when you have some good news? Who do you call when you have some bad news? Who do you call when you want to laugh/cry? Who loves you back home?” Most of the time I get pretty generic answers but sometimes the answer is surprising and what is even better is the look on the face of the Soldier when they get to tell you who that person is. It also puts the onus on the Soldier to tell me as much or as little as they want to about their family situation and more importantly, it lets them know that when they’re ready, they can tell me or their leader and not feel like they will be judged. It’s not “woke” to care. . . . (I, the blogger, repeated this part once again for emphasis): If I have to give an order to a group of people that will put them in harms way, they damn sure better trust me enough to know that I have done everything within my power to ensure maximum levels of success because if they don’t and I didn’t, the results will be catastrophic. . . .At one point in my life when I was a young man, this wasn’t as obvious to me as it is now. I wish someone would have explained it to me better. Maybe then I could have built better teams, been a better leader, made more of a difference. But I am committed to it now. I am committed to let my people know I care about them because trust is a two way street and if you don’t have the trust of your Soldiers, you don’t have their respect . . . .”

My takeaway: Don’t decide anything or anyone is “crap” until you really get to know them. It is not “woke” to care.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Sure Do Love

RIP – Loretta Lynn This loss really got to me yesterday, although I think that a peaceful death, in the homestead that you love, after 90 years of exuberantly loving life, is a lovely, gentle, fitting ending to a beautiful life on Earth.

I have never been a huge country music fan, but I always found Loretta Lynn interesting and intriguing. I watched Coalminer’s Daughter more than a few times. I read two of Lorretta Lynn’s books. I even drove my children by Hurricane Mills ranch in Tennessee when I was doing a nine-state road trip with four little kids. (Don’t ask – these are the things that you do when you are young, and energy-filled, and crazily optimistic.) We stopped at a small country diner down the road from her beloved ranch, and we were told that she often made her way down the road to have dinner there. Even as long as we lingered over biscuits and gravy, sadly, Loretta Lynn didn’t show up that evening.

Years ago, I watched Mike Wallace interview Lorretta Lynn on 60 Minutes. At this point, Loretta was already up there in age, (probably in her late 70s or early 80s), and she was as positive, charming and authentic as ever. I remember Mike asked her one of those annoyingly obvious-answer questions, like sportscasters ask quarterbacks after they lose a huge game, “How do you feel about losing this game?” Mike asked Loretta the “duh question” (although I don’t remember what the actual question was that he asked her), and she answered back in her simple country twang with “Well, of course I felt terrible. Wouldn’t you, Mike?” I could tell, it was at this moment in the interview, that Mike Wallace, a longtime, veteran journalist, appeared to be a little shaken by Loretta Lynn’s frankness. He became a little sheepish, but also utterly charmed. Loretta could say things like this with her down-home, no BS, this is the way of life, common sense, and still be utterly kind and gracious. She didn’t come off like a sarcastic harpy. She came off as innocent, pure and real, looking imploringly at him with her gorgeous, full of fun, sparkly blue eyes. And I remember watching Mike falling a little bit in love with her, as I believe the rest of the audience was doing as well. I know that I did.

As I was reading some of the tributes to Lorretta Lynn yesterday, I ended up on her Instagram. On her personal Instagram, Loretta posted many, many pictures of the obvious loves in her life: her late husband, Doolittle, her children, her family and friends, playing music with her country music friends and colleagues, her ranch, her horses. I noticed without fail, she would post the picture and she would write things like this: “This is Mooney. I sure do love this man. I love you, honey,” or “Ernest brought up my horse to the ranch to cheer me up. I sure do love that horse,” or “This is the woman that helped raise my kids. She is like our family. I sure do love . . . .”

Since the news of her death, there is an obvious outpouring of loss and sadness over a real American treasure, Loretta Lynn. She lived the American dream, but she was also honest about the hardscrabble life of the poorest, working class members of society (particularly women), before it was cool to be honest about anything. She never walked away from the truth ever. She lived her life purely, focused on what she loved. She loved her husband, her family, her friends, her music, her ranch, and her faith throughout her entire life. She lived her life honestly, abundantly, authentically, excitedly and gratefully.

What do you “sure do love” in your life? Focus on what you “sure do love” every single day. Because honestly, that is really what life is all about. A little country girl from Butcher Holler, Kentucky, knew this truth, and Loretta Lynn lived this truth probably better than almost anyone in the world. And that is why it hurts so much for us to let her go.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Currency

There are so many things vying for our attention and energy these days. And we give it away so freely and easily, as if we have endless stores of it (even though we don’t). We forget to harness our energy. We forget that it is “us” that has the wheel. Your still, small voice inside of you – your perfectly attuned, highly perceptible, built-in GPS system will never scream out for your attention. It won’t try to compete with, nor enforce control, as to where you put your attention and energy (and thus your precious time). But if you listen to your body and to your emotions, you will understand if where you have been putting your attention, your focus and your energy, is really the best place for you to spend it. What increases your energy? What depletes it? What restores and renews your energy? What flames and burns your energy out quickly? Where are your energy leaks – slowly and secretly draining out your energy stores, little bits at at time? Do you need to bank your energy somewhere else? Have you built appropriate boundaries around your energy stores?

Spend some of your time, energy, and attention on these questions today. The insights which you get from this exercise will be incredibly valuable. (Remember, as the post by Think Smarter states: “Our energy IS our true currency.”)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

Our daughter came home for the weekend, from college. She says that the university keeps her dorm as cold as a meat locker. Her theory is that this reduces mold spores. By the age and the look of the dorms, I think that this is a legitimate theory. So in turn, she told us that she did not sleep well here at home. Now, our home has become way too hot.

I read an article about Kelly Ripa’s new book: Live Wire. Here’s what she says about having an empty nest: “It’s scary, thrilling, liberating, shocking . . . and quiet.” In my early experience, that synopsis is spot on. Another thing that Kelly talks about in the empty nest chapter is this: “I don’t know how to make dinner proportionally.” This quote has been my story for my entire married life. I either underestimated our hunger to the point that we all needed a second dinner, or there were leftovers enough to justify the purchase of a new freezer. And I agree with Kelly Ripa, this cooking for two is insanely weird. I told my husband that we are mostly going to eat frozen vegetables from now on, because our produce is continually going bad. Life seems to be a constant cycle of getting used to “a new way of life.” New normal . . . new normal . . . new normal . . . .

Kelly also spoke about trading youthful confidence for certainty as we age. I like that thought. I think what I am becoming more and more certain about as I get older, is how little I really do know.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Welcome to Soul Sunday on the blog. Sundays are devoted to poetry here. I have chosen to share a poem written by a poet named R. DeArcos, which I think captures the feeling of how small and alone you feel when you are facing an enormous natural tempest. It is my personal spiritual beliefs that we are all one with all of creation, but when you are facing down a storm, you definitely feel small and alone. The storm is just being a storm. It’s nothing personal, but it sure feels that way.

This will be my last post regarding Hurricane Ian for a while. I promise. Most of our Floridian friends and family have spent this weekend processing our feelings about what we have just gone through. The build up of fear, uncertainty, feelings of being overwhelmed, guilt, sometimes perhaps even shame, survivor’s guilt, worries, anger, grief, etc. is all piled into your being and it takes a while, for these sensations to be fully released and washed away. (and for those people dealing with the major aftermath of Ian, those feelings will be stirring within them for quite some time) Honestly, the release of emotion is exhausting, but cleansing, until only relief and gratitude remains.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Surreal

It’s almost cruel how beautiful it is here, now that Hurricane Ian has passed. The storm seems to have brought in the cooler, lovely fall weather with it, in one fell swoop. It’s sunny and beautiful and still and calm. My wind chimes aren’t even making one tiny ting-a-ling whatsoever. It’s so strange to just “go back to normal” after experiencing the build-up of fears and anxieties and destruction that big storms bring to us.

Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment, my husband worked, and my daughter drove home for the weekend, from college. We ended up going to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Life goes on. For most of us, we are relieved that the storm has passed, and not much has changed. For some us, our lives have been irrevocably changed and building a new life will take a great deal of healing and time and energy and vision and hope. Some of us will have to climb new mountains, while the rest of us just go back to our usual, comfortable lives in the valley. It’s honestly surreal. But such is life.

Once, when we were visiting Seattle, Washington, a man told us that living in Seattle is like having an intoxicatingly beautiful, brilliant girlfriend who is always depressed. (It rains a lot in Seattle.) Along the lines of this analogy, living in Florida is like having the most gorgeous, fabulous, optimistic, fun, exciting spouse/partner/lover, who on rare occasion, goes entirely bonkers and takes the house down in the process. Those of us who live where we live, do so for many reasons – climate, family, jobs, entertainment, etc. Different traits appeal to different people and everyone’s tolerance is different for various levels of high jinks and melee. Where each of us choose to place our boundaries with anything in life, is highly individualistic. Are the highs worth the lows? How much excitement does one crave? How much is reliable, stable peace worth? Again, these questions are just one small part of the pot of questions swirling around life as we live it. And living life is about either finding out the answers to our questions, or making peace with living with the mystery of the questions themselves. It’s honestly surreal.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Letter

Dear Friends and Readers,

We are fine. We are so lucky. We really dodged a bullet in my town. We never even lost power at our home. I still am pinching myself in disbelief. Our only casualty was our neighbor’s small tree, which fell on our pool cage but it was even kind enough to not break through the screen. My husband just pointed out that the tiny pump in a small pond on our porch even stayed on throughout the winds and the rain. Our immediate family and our local friends and neighbors, are thankfully, unscathed from Hurricane Ian.

That being said, we do have family and friends to the south of us, who really suffered the brunt of this hurricane. There is no such thing as a hurricane tiptoeing through anything. Yes, it is true that things can always be replaced, but it is still devastating to have to rise up, and to have to restore and to rebuild the home and the life and the community which you have lovingly and carefully created and curated for yourself. It is traumatic to experience the worst case scenarios of any natural disaster. Please set all judgment aside. The people who were hit the hardest by Hurricane Ian weren’t even in “the cone of uncertainty” as late as this past Sunday. For all of our technology, and “brilliance”, we are not even close to a being a match to the natural forces and higher intelligence of our world. As the mayor of our town likes to preach, “Mother Nature always wins.”

Please continue to pray for the people who are still in the path of Ian, the lesser. The storm isn’t over yet. And thank you for all of the love and the prayers and the concern and the good ju-ju which you sent my way. I felt it. One of my biggest worries before this all even started to bear down on us, was that I wouldn’t be able to connect with you on the blog, for days on end. That would break my heart.

Love to all,

Kelly

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

What’s Missing?

Hi friends. We’re still standing here. There are no power outages yet, just steady rain. It’s probably too early to tell, but we may have dodged a bullet in our area. Still, we continue to pray for our friends and family all over Florida, who may not be faring so well. Hurricanes are scary, unpredictable monsters.

I really love this meme that I reposted above. When you go through scary, dangerous times, you are not always at your best. Sometimes some of the whole of you is “missing”. Fear and uncertainty do not always bring out the best in people. Too many of us are conditioned to believe that we are only loveable when we are perfect, and even, and helpful, and steady. But that’s not true. Yes, it is true that sometimes, when someone we love is really off-kilter, we have to put some space between ourselves and them, for the health of all involved, but the love never goes away. Things can go “missing” in a person and in a relationship, but love remains. Love is indestructible. Love is. Know that you are always loved, whether you are whole, or whether parts of you go “missing” from time to time. The part of any and each of us that never, ever goes missing, is love. Love is the material of our souls.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Oh Ian!

It’s a super strange feeling, anticipating a hurricane. You get plenty of warning – almost too much warning. The anticipation is killer. I’m a “let’s just rip the band-aid off, already!” kind of a girl. And Mother Nature says, “No dear, we’re going to make you sit with your fearful what-ifs for a while. It’s good for you.” Ugh.

The last time a big hurricane directly affected our area was five years ago. And we evacuated, with four kids and two dogs in tow. We went to Atlanta and the people there could not have been kinder and more welcoming. Instead of price gouging, they gave us discounts, and extras, delicious heartwarming food and long, caring hugs. I will always have a warm spot in my heart, dedicated to the good, hospitable people of Atlanta, Georgia. But evacuating didn’t come without its challenges. The roads were filled with wall-to-wall, crawling, slowly inching along traffic. We ended up having to sleep one night at a rest stop (six stressed people, including sweaty, ornery male teenagers + two big dogs, in a cramped car = not good sleep), which was littered with cars of people, doing the same exact thing. There were cars everywhere, even on the grass and on the sides of the highway. Most gas stations along the way, were out of gas. And watching the news, wondering what kind of mess we were going to go back home to, was excruciatingly stressful. Media sensationalism is a terribly painful experience, when it affects the people and the places that you most love and care about. On the way home, after the hurricane, we were surrounded on the highway, by brigades of utility trucks from seemingly every state in the nation, heading down to help with our plight. I remember this bringing tears of patriotism and gratitude, to my weary eyes.

We had a pow-wow with our near-by neighbors last night, and most of us have decided to stay and weather this one out in our homes. (Including a doctor and his wife, who is a physician’s assistant, who live across the street. This helped seal the deal for me. We’ll look out for each other. That’s what neighbors do.) This experience will be a contrast to what we did the last time, and I am curious to compare, first-hand, which is the better way to handle these things. Our adult children are all in safe spots away from here, so that is what gives me my greatest peace of mind. Honestly, right now my husband and I find ourselves stressing mostly about inconsequential things, like how are we going to brew our coffee when the electricity is out?!

People often question why you would want to live in Florida, and other tropical spots when hurricanes are a seasonal concern. These perilous storms are the price we pay to live in paradise. Florida rarely has gray days. Sunshine is a given. I can go to the beach for lunch if I want to, and bury my feet in the sand, feeling the soothing gulf breezes, lulling my heartbeat to match the rhythms of the tides. We have gorgeous sunsets, and dolphins are as common as the deer, and the wild turkeys, and the herons and the hawks that we see almost daily. Florida is an inclusive, melting pot. No one feels like an “outsider” because everyone here is from somewhere else. There is something for everyone in Florida, even the kooky “Florida Man.” Our state makes loads of money from tourism. There are many good reasons for this fact. Florida is soothing to the soul.

This may be my last blog post this week before we lose power. I don’t know. Regardless, I’ll see you on the other side of the storm. One thing is for certain – you fully know and understand the people and the things that you truly treasure and mean the most in your life, when you are facing down a life-threatening storm. My dearest readers, I can’t wait to be with you again, after the storm.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.