Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
This quote is a good one to remember during Halloween’s “scary season.” I always tell my kids to always ask for what they want, go after what they want, look for every possibility to get what they want, because what is the worst place that anyone will end up in, if you don’t get what you want? You’ll be in the same place and position, where you are sitting at right now. You really have nothing to lose. Face everything and rise.
A Dear Abby column written decades ago has always stuck with me. A writer asked Abby about his situation where he was in his thirties and he realized that he wanted to switch careers. He realized that he wanted to become a doctor, but looking at everything that this would entail, it would probably take ten years, and he probably wouldn’t even start practicing medicine until he was 45. She asked him a simple question, “How old will you be in ten years if you don’t go to medical school?” This point was made real for me when I belonged to a book club many years ago. The woman who started the book club said that her father was a doctor when they were small children, and then one day, he sat his family down, and he said that their lifestyle might change for a bit, because he had decided to follow his biggest dream to become an airline pilot. Her father retired as a very content and happy airline pilot, who also had a medical degree.
Face your fears. Face your dreams. Face your callings. Don’t run. Rise. The choice is ripe for the taking. The choice is yours.
I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.
The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.
This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”
We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.
We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?
On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.” – Anthony de Mello
A previous employer of mine, found the quote above, to be profound. She would say it often, and I would pretend to understand. But I honestly didn’t understand. Or maybe I thought that I did, but I had an experience the other day that made me understand Anthony de Mello’s teaching a little bit better. Or at least, I think that I did.
Earlier this month on the blog, I recommended asking yourself a certain question when your are feeling poorly and out of sorts. The question is, “What story am I telling myself about what is happening?” I had to take my own advice and use that question on myself the other day after a horrible night’s sleep. I was cranky, moody and grumpy. I felt gloomy, and so the stories in my head started swirling. I was extremely creative, scrounging all over my brain for negative stories that would justify my Moody Trudy demeanor. That’s when I remembered to take my own advice. What stories am I telling myself that were perhaps causing/aggravating my despondency? Reflecting on the dramatic, over-the-top, sometimes even ridiculous “woe-is-me” stories flipping through my head, I perked up a little, laughing at myself. What was the real, main reason why I was moody? I didn’t get enough sleep. I was tired. My body, mind and spirit were depleted and they were sending me distress signals, reminding me to get some rest.
In twelve-step circles, they use the acronym, H.A.L.T. When people are finding themselves triggered and having the impulse to partake in their addiction, they are told to H.A.L.T. When you H.A.L.T., you ask yourself? What is really going on here? Am I H – hungry? Or am I A – angry? Perhaps, I am L- lonely? Or maybe I am just really T – tired? Being hungry, angry, lonely or tired, can all be remedied with healthier solutions than the things which we are addicted to, or that we use to distract ourselves from our feelings. By reflecting on the H.A.L.T. tool, we realize that our feelings are often just physical expressions of being hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
The next night I went to bed early, and I had a wonderful, restoring night’s sleep. I felt calm, serene and peaceful the next day. Interestingly, when I am feeling good, I rarely need to tell myself stories about it. I just bathe in the feeling of contentment. I bathe in the present moment. I suppose when I am feeling good, the stories in my head are quiet and boring. Perhaps these stories might even be called “yawners.” And that’s okay. As long as I recognize stories as different from The Truth, I can get as creative as I want to be, and still feel good and centered amidst the storms in me, and around me. I can remain the stalwart captain of my own life.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“We are all here on this planet, as tourists, as it were. None of us can live here forever. The longest we might live is a hundred years. So while we are here we should try to have a good heart and to make something positive and useful of our lives.” – The Dalai Lama tweeted this, this morning
I love this thought that we are “tourists” here, experiencing a short lifetime. When we go touring to places other than where we live, we are usually excited, happy, curious and respectful. We are utterly captivated: trying new activities, and learning about different things than we are used to experiencing. Other than a few jerks, when touring, most of us are open-minded, reverential to others’ sacred things and places, and cognizant that we are a representation of where we are from, and so we behave accordingly.
Fridays are a particularly easy day to be in “tourist mode”, right? If there was ever a day that matched the giddiness of heading out on vacation, it would be Friday. As my regular readers know, Friday is my favorite day of the week. On Fridays, I discuss my favorites: songs, websites, books, products, foodstuff, etc. Today’s favorite works right along with my travel/tourist theme. Last week, my husband and I went to an “indie flea”. (They had me at “indie.”) An indie flea, is a flea market for artsy types. There was eye candy everywhere – the artful products, the interesting vintage finds, the gorgeous, fashionable people. Anyway, at the indie flea, I purchased a teeny, tiny adorable, colorful pair of scissors, which is my favorite for today. The seller told me that they are TSA approved (meaning that I don’t have to dig them out of my purse before travelling, in fear of them being confiscated). There are so many times when travelling that I have wished that I had a pair of scissors with me. Now I do. And you can, too! Just go to Amazon or Etsy and look up TSA approved scissors. You will be shocked at all of the options!
No matter where you are this weekend, even if it is just at home, remind yourself that you are tourist. Behave as if you were visiting a beautiful, intoxicating, ever-unfolding, foreign land full of amazing things to see and to explore. Believe that you are taking the trip of a lifetime that you have been anticipating taking, for a long, long time. And realize that all trips come to an end, so take full advantage of the experience while you are having it. Bon Voyage!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“To see someone move through the world as a woman feeling very comfortable saying what she thinks – perfectly beloved and polite and wonderful in every way, but say what she thinks – it was just mind-blowing to me. And all I could think was, ‘I want to be like her.’ “ – Geena Davis, on “the direct and dynamic” Susan Sarandon, while working on 1991’s film, Thelma and Louise
So, in short, Susan Sarandon was a self-assured “badass”, before the word became common vernacular.
Geena Davis also said this about Susan: “I have never spent time with a woman like her. She never puts a qualifier before what she says. If she has an idea about something, I never heard her say, ‘I don’t know what you think about this. It’s probably a good idea. It may be dumb. What do I know?’ She just says, ‘Let’s cut my line here.’ I mean that happened on the first day that I met her, and I was like, ‘Wait a minute.’ ”
Just for today, no matter what your gender is, channel your inner Susan/Louise, and just say it like you see it. You can be beloved, and polite, and wonderful, and know that your viewpoint is every bit as valid as anyone else’s on this Earth. Be confident and comfortable in your own skin – even if you have to fake it until you feel it. Grow into your confidence. Stand by your beliefs. No qualifiers are allowed. Your example won’t just be a life-changer for you, it will greatly impact the people around you and the world as we know it. No one should ever have to apologize for having a viewpoint on anything. You have a spark of brilliance, just like everyone else. Let it shine.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
RIP – Angela Lansbury (Darn, we’ve really lost some good ones lately, haven’t we?)
On a positive, hopeful note, Angela Lansbury was days before turning 97-years-old. Loretta Lynn died recently at age 90. Both women worked at what they loved, well into their elder years. This common trend towards longevity means that us middle-agers still have a lot of life to live, and a lot passions to explore. Vida!
The other day, my husband and I were riding through a car wash and I smiled to myself when the long stringy flaps moved up and down and all around our windshield. I was remembering being a little girl in a carwash with my Pop-pop. My grandfather used to call those washing flaps, “the dancing ladies”. Yesterday, the picture on my blog held this quote from Cesare Pavese: “We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” How true is that statement?! Sometimes I remember the oddest of things. I wonder why certain, seemingly inconsequential “moments” stick in my mind. This quote does remind me that when we remember, and when think of people, we think of their “idiosyncrasies”, like my grandfather calling the carwash brushes, “dancing ladies.” When we think of the people whom we love, we think of moments with them, that make them unique to us. All of the little habits, and the ways of people are what makes them special and distinct and interesting to us. Even in a field of daisies, each little daisy has its own way of being, and dancing in the sun. Each little daisy is wonderful in its own way and helps to make the field of daisies what it is – a feast for the eyes.
In other news, I read a good article today that discussed the difference between having “expectations” versus having “requirements”. The article said that when you set expectations you allow for a little “wiggle room”. You are being hopeful, but you often set yourself up for disappointment. Requirements are more ironclad. Requirements mean business. Requirements require clear communication and boundaries and consequences. Are there areas/relationships in your life where you could step up your expectations to requirements, for access to you and to your precious time? Are there promises which you’ve made to yourself that could use the reinforcement of “requirement” status?
Now I’ll leave you to your day, my little daisy. Before you leave, this is a REQUIRED assignment: Take this moment to think of a trait that makes someone whom you love “so them.” Now think of a unique trait (positive only please) that people would think of when they would think of you. Smile and have a wonderful Wednesday.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“The basic needs of life are often taken for granted. Not by you. Your life is good because you don’t wait for a loss to appreciate the miracle of such things as breath, water, food and a safe place to enjoy them.” – Holiday Mathis
” . . . . .don’t waste time on things you don’t need to invest yourself in.”-yourtango
” . . . your allies might be feeling a bit neglected considering how much energy you’ve invested in dealing with the haters. Go out of your way to express your gratitude and love for their presence in your life.” – Astrotwins
“A tug-of-war could go on forever, so let go of your end.” – Christopher Renstrom
I am a Sagittarius and these lines above, are from my daily horoscopes from websites I check out regularly. Whether you believe that astrology is true, or just for fun, or it’s all really just phooey, (and those are my individual and collected beliefs, on any particular day, in any particular mood), I enjoy reading my daily horoscopes, and starting my day, gleaning some inner wisdom from them. Clearly, today has a pronounced prominent theme. The theme is – “Let go of the negativity, and focus on all of the positives that I have going on, in my one, quickly moving, amazing, interesting, blessed life.”
I have to say when I read the Astrotwins line about “allies”, you – my loyal, devoted readers, were among the first to come to mind. I am so grateful for your presence in my life. I do not take you for granted. I savor my mornings writing to you, versus writing to some empty void. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your time and for your attention. Time is your most precious resource, and your time is appreciated by me, more than you know. I love you, my allies.
Today, no matter what your astrological sign is, let’s just take the advice for Sagittarians. Be thankful for your food, your home, your clothes and your breath. Realize the miracle in all of these things. Don’t get mired in the drama that detracts from your one precious life. Show gratitude and love for your “allies” (taken from a post I wrote last week, where the colonel asks his Soldiers these questions, in order to understand them better and to gain their trust:“Who do you call when you have some good news? Who do you call when you have some bad news? Who do you call when you want to laugh/cry? Who loves you back home?”) Friends, it doesn’t matter what “title” these people hold in relation to you, whomever is the answer to the questions above, these are the people who are YOUR allies. Stop taking your allies for granted. Stop assuming that they know how much they mean to you. Don’t neglect your allies. And finally, whatever you are struggling with, let go of your side of the rope. There is no game, when you refuse to play. Surrender. Trust the Universe with your fracas. Just for today, let it go. Let it be.
Have a great day. Today you are all centaurs with me. The stars are aligned for it to be a wonderful, fabulous day filled with gratitude and love for our food, for our shelter, for our allies, for our ability to let things go. Today, if nothing else, let’s spend it being thankful for our miraculous ability to just breathe.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
In all seriousness, I love the profound essay that William Shatner recently wrote about his not-so-long-ago foray into space. See below:essay by William Shatner
Good morning. Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Poetry is the heartbeat of communication. You have to be deliberate when you write poetry. It’s hard to be sloppy with it. It’s a concentrated effort. I think that’s why it is meditative to write poetry. Having just taken my first sip of coffee, after a delicious morning of sleeping in, I’m not ready to be so concentrative and meditative, therefore I will share one my favorite poems written by Langston Hughes. (I’ll probably fiddle around with my words later. You should, too. Try writing some poetry. You’ll like it.)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Friends and I were having a discussion about different frustrations going on in our lives. I blurted out “That’s why it is so hard trying to be healthier in a world that mostly isn’t!” My friend said, “That’s a profound statement.”
By the time we reach middle age, my husband likes to say that pretty much everyone has gone through at least “one major biggie.” Something happens that rocks your world. Whether it be a major health situation, a relationship breakdown, or a career crisis, or something of the like, these are the pivotal moments in our lives. These are the moments where you either decide to get introspective and mindful, owning the parts that you play in the situation, and coming to the realization that the only person whose thoughts and actions you have any control over, are your own. Or, you stay mired in the victimhood of the situation, casting blame and moping in despair, on the throne of martyrdom, until the next crisis rears its ugly head.
It’s lonely to work on getting healthier in mind, body and spirit. There are plenty places to do it: nature, gyms, health food stores, churches, therapists, self-help books, support groups, yoga studios, etc., but oftentimes, if the quick fix doesn’t happen, we swiftly go back to our old habits, patterns and beliefs and feel sorry for ourselves. We always want the quick fix – a magic pill, with an absolute 100% guarantee.
It’s difficult, in any situation, to feel like you are that only kid who sees/accepts that the emperor obviously isn’t wearing any clothes. It feels lonely. Whether it is noticing all of the processed crap in our grocery stores, or facing all of the unhealthy communication styles in every social institution that we have (such as manipulation, passive aggressive comments, sarcasm, bullying, and sneaky half-truths. It’s funny that we’re so afraid of “direct communication” because we think that it is “mean”, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest and clear form of communication which we can utilize. People can deal with being disappointed that you aren’t able to go/do/be something that they want you to go/do/be, and you can live and deal with the knowledge that the person is disappointed. We’ve all coped with all sorts of disappointment in our lives, and we’re all still standing.) When we can sit with ourown difficult emotions, instead of lashing out, or doing mindless, addictive behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, or depressively shaming ourselves for having negative feelings, we are on a healthy road to acceptance and self-love and compassion for ourselves and for others. The ability to sit with our own difficult emotions is a simple process, but not an easy one. It’s actually pretty grueling. It takes constant practice and discipline to decide to work on being the healthiest version of ourselves. And that’s why it seems to be such a rare phenomenon in our society. Any family, social group, institution is usually only as healthy as its least healthy member.
It’s not our jobs to “fix” anyone but ourselves. Self improvement is a lot in itself. And when we keep the focus on ourselves, we can notice the unhealthiness in the people and the organizations and institutions surrounding us. We can use these observations to place boundaries to keep a safe path for ourselves to continue to grow and to heal and to prosper in our own lives. A great question to start with, to really get a detached view of yourself, and your individual beliefs, is to take a look at a situation that bothers you, and ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may be incredibly surprised about some of the falsehoods, silliness, and level of emotional control you have given to others, in this particular happening.
Our “stories” often aren’t full of facts at all. They are mostly our own perceptions, based on our own emotions and past experiences. My eldest son and I love watching indie films and thought-provoking shows, and talking about them afterwards. My husband and I recently watched “The White Lotus” and we really liked it and we recommended it to him. As expected, he loved the show and he binge watched it. When my son and I discussed the show, I was amazed at what stood out to him (parts that seemed relatively inconsequential to me). He made a lot of references and analogies to meditation, an interest of his that has he has been spending a lot of time on lately. I laughed to myself. My son is 26 and I’m almost 52. He’s half my age. Of course, what stood out for him in the show, would be different than what made an impression on me. I imagine if we both wrote reviews of “The White Lotus”, people might wonder if we watched the same show.
When I am being mindful, I notice when I am judging others for their lack of self-introspection, and then I can notice my physical, mental, and spiritual response to my judgment. What story am I telling myself about this person/situation/experience?
The sewing project above, if it were truly healthy (and not just cute and funny) would read, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with their own perceptions about, and need to control the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” But that of course, would make the sewing project above much more time-consuming, difficult, and expensive, wouldn’t it now? That would be quite a demanding project.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
