I was going to wait until tomorrow to write this post. For years, when I blogged daily, I devoted Sundays on the blog, entirely to poetry, so that seemed like the apropos day to write about this gem which I have to tell you about. Yet, I’m too excited to wait until tomorrow. Yesterday, I devoured an entire book of poetry. And I’m not a huge poetry fan. The book which I read, is called I Am Maria by Maria Shriver. To be clear, I am not a big Kennedy family follower/fan. I have never read any of the other many books that Maria Shriver has written, but I can honestly say that I AmMaria is one of the best books that I have read in a long, long while. Every woman whom I know and I love, came to mind as I read Maria’s many, various poems. I believe that most women could relate to at least 20 percent of the book and most women would relate to a whole lot more of it. If you are a woman, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a God seeker, you will deeply relate to these honest, raw, vulnerable, authentic poems. It will inspire to open yourself up to your own inner poet. Do yourself a favor, and gift yourself this book. From one of Maria Shriver’s poems:
“I know I have the soul of a seeker.
The heart of a warrior.
The mind of a thinker.
The drive of a visionary.
And the spirit of a wild horse.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
” . . .stop sugarcoating our patterns and start lovingly confronting them – especially ones we’ve been romanticizing as coping mechanisms. What are you chasing out of comfort rather than alignment?” – Dosse’ – Via Trenou (Refinery 29)
When a ship gets completely off course in one direction or another, it is human nature for the hypercritical captain to charge out, screaming at the crew, bringing them to their knees, for the loss of direction. And it’s also human nature for the crew to get really defensive with the hypercritical voice of the captain. After all, there are a lot of reasons for getting off course, and a lot of them are not in anyone’s control. Unforeseen storms and squalls appear out of nowhere, and have to be dealt with before being able to navigate back to the journey towards the destiny.
So, it’s also human nature, when it finally becomes obvious to us, as individuals, that we have gotten a little or sometimes even “way off course” in our own lives, in one way or another, whether it be with our health, or our relationships, or in our careers, or our finances etc., or even a combination of areas, to have the captain of our own ships (our high strung demanding inner critic) start barking at us. “How could you let this happen? What is wrong with you? Look at this mess! You’ll never get to where you want to go!”
And then, appropriate to our human nature, our defensive inner crew of voices starts justifying our problems. We had unforeseen storms in our lives, pop up. Of course we gained weight, or lost money, or had a heart attack, or didn’t have time to nurture our relationships. We had fires on the deck to put out. These storms were scary. We needed coping mechanisms to deal with it. We were treading water. We are only human, after all.
And this is where our ships tend to get stuck in the water, circling in the same exact spot, over and over, where the inner critic captain is taking us down to dust at the bottom of the boot, and the defensive crew is justifying what had to be done to cope with life on the unpredictable waves of the sea.
Now, the challenge becomes to skillfully change captains. If we pick a healthy, compassionate leader who understands that life on the high seas can be difficult and unpredictable and we kick our irate Captain Nightmare Inner Critic to the curb, we can focus on getting back on course. No one has to be defensive and explanatory. We got to this point of the journey for many reasons, but the main thing is, we need to get back on track. It’s a waste of time to go back and forth berating ourselves, and then defending ourselves for things that have happened in the past. This keeps us stuck, right where we are, in a situation that we want to, or we need to change in our lives, in order to go in the direction of our dreams. We need a captain who steers us back to the journey towards our true north, with no more wasting time, lamenting on the hows and the whys of what got us off-course (other than to learn from our wrong turns, and mark them on the map, so we don’t repeat them).
Are you in alignment with where you want to go in your life? Or are you staying stuck in delusion, or in the unhealthy pattern of berating and defending yourself? Even if you start moving again, and you end up being a little off course, if you are a good steward to yourself, you will make course corrections as you move along, and eventually, you will get to exactly where you want to be.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“We create to discover what we already know but cannot yet name.”
“Don’t be afraid to cut something. The best ideas are resilient. If it truly belongs in your work, it’ll find its way back.”
I took yesterday “off”. I did only the essentials and in the meantime, I read one and a half books. I love to laugh. (and I mean, LAUGH – not chuckling, not giggling – these are just small tastes of the real thing) Chapter two of Disaster Preparedness: AMemoir by Heather Havrilesky made me laugh until I cried. And then I decided to read it out loud to my husband at dinner, and I couldn’t read it to him, without snorting, and losing my breath with laughter. I belly laughed. He could hardly understand what I was reading, so he just laughed along with me. There are few better feelings than belly laughing.
The top two quotes are from a conversation that Kelly Corrigan had on her podcast with Pete Docter, the creator of the animated movies, Inside Out and Monsters, Inc. The first quote resonates in this way: I believe that I laughed so hard reading the chapter in Disaster Preparedness (which is about the author’s growing up in the 1970s/80s) because the author absolutely named feelings that I felt, growing up during that time period, as well. She “named” what I already knew and I had experienced long ago. That is what all artform and creativity is about, right? We allow ourselves to be a channel for the muses inside of us, and out pops something that speaks to us so intimately and intuitively, as if it was always there. We now have a “name”, or a “symbol”, or a “picture” or a “description” or a “song”, for what is swirling inside of us. And often it is these outcomes of our creativity (the name, the symbol, the picture, the description, the book, the song, the movie, the dance . . .) that makes us all feel connected. The dots get connected when we feel a familiarity, or a relatedness, or a knowingness with our own creations, and also with others’ creations.
Yesterday, I also read a memoir by the actress Ione Skye in its entirety. Ione is only a few months older than me, and she played in a lot of TV shows and movies with stars like John Cusack, Keanu Reeves, Matthew Perry and River Phoenix. Ione Skye hung out with the 80s supermodels and had a toxic relationship with Anthony Kiedis of The RedHot Chili Peppers and a short marriage to Adam Horovitz (Ad-Rock) of the BeastieBoys. Based on my (unconscious) book choices, I must be feeling nostalgic. What struck me most, while reading this particular book, was that I was experiencing all of these “blasts from the past.” There were many names that I had honestly forgotten all about, until I saw their names in print. This book named all of the BIG names, who were the BIG names in my impressionable, coming up years. I doubt my kids would have even recognized half of the people whom Ione Skye was writing about. I said to my husband, we really do live generationally. Yes, generations overlap like a venn diagram, but ultimately all of our most poignant frames of reference, such as world leaders, national and international major happenings, fashion, famous bands, famous actors, famous movies, etc., are shared primarily with the generation we grew up with. Yes it’s true, many generations experienced the pandemic, but my generation experienced the pandemic as middle aged people, mostly concerned for protecting their children, and also their elders. Reading these books yesterday, gave me a feeling of kinship with my own generation, like I haven’t felt in a while. These books (creations) helped me to discover this nostalgic, grateful, sentimental, loving feeling that I already know and experience deeply. (Gen X, I love you all.)
The second quote from above, doesn’t just apply to creating. I truly believe that if something that is meant for you to have, or to be experienced, it will happen. Don’t worry if you feel like you missed your first shot. Believe that if it is meant to be, the Universe, in all of its glory and wisdom will see to it, and guide you to it, along the way. Your dreams are planted in you, for a reason. I have so many examples and illustrations of this, in my own life. The first one that comes to mind, is the house I currently live in. In my married life, I have never lived longer in one home than in this one, and despite all of its quirks, and its aging bones, and its ever constant need for expensive updates and fixes, I love my home. I have never felt more at home anywhere else. My husband feels the same way. However, when I first visited this home, it was up for sale, it was entirely overpriced, it had a master bathroom that made me laugh out loud, and all there was to the landscaping, was trimmed up, bush-sized weeds. (even as my realtor and I left this home, both still giggling about its bright, bold gold lame’ tub, I had this weird, indescribable, knowing feeling that I would live in it one day.) Well, a few months later, the home which we were renting was being put up for sale by the owner, and we didn’t want to buy it. Our current home (the one I visited with the realtor), not being able to be sold for its ridiculous asking price, was up for rent, and was located just right around the corner from our rental, making for an easy move. We decided that we could live with a gold lame’ tub for one year. After one year, the house was growing on us (and also, we didn’t want to move again, being a family of six, plus a menagerie of pets). And so, we were able to get the beleaguered owners down to a fair price, and we purchased the home. Fast forward, 11 years later. Home Sweet Home.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I have found that Thursdays are the days on which I am most drawn to writing on my blog. Maybe it’s because I have accumulated a lot in my head throughout the week, and before I chuck it all, and just enjoy my favorite, free-flowing Fridays, I decide that I must record some of what I have experienced and learned for posterity’s sake. (the older I get, the more I find that I must write things down. I probably will end up being one of those little old ladies who lives in a sea of colorful post-it notes, guiding her all along the way.) Speaking of writing things down, I was shopping yesterday, and I overheard two young women talking. The one young lady said to the other, “Oh, I need to get an address book.” And the other said, “For what?” And the first young lady answered, “For the wedding.”
Now this is one of those times that my evil, ever-present eavesdropping got the best of me, and I blurted out, “Girls, I have been married for over 30 years, and I still have my precious little “wedding box”. It’s like a recipe box that holds address cards. I just use colorful notecards to write down new people in my life, and also for the new addresses of the “old people” in my life. I know that we are supposed to computerize everything these days, but I honestly love my wedding box.”
The bride-to-be seemed absolutely delighted by my suggestion (sweet girl). She said, “Oh that’s a great idea! Thank you. I don’t like computerizing everything either.” (girl after my own heart)
Speaking of young ladies, lately I’ve noticed a beautiful trend on a lot of young ladies’ faces. I call it “subtle sparkle.” I have been the unfortunate experimenter of “splashy sparkle” throughout my life, but “subtle sparkle” is so much more lovely, and intriguing. One of my future daughter-in-law’s friends was talking to me, and as we were talking, I noticed her gorgeous green eyes especially. I then noticed just a hint of sparkle on her eyelids and I asked her if she thought that my crepey 54-year-old eyelids could pull it off. She insisted that I absolutely could (sweet, sweet girl) and she told me that it was Fenty Diamond Bomb AllOver eyeshadow. Ironically, this same week, a young lady was waiting on me at my local grocery store, and she carried the same kind of intoxicating, clandestine shimmer on her eyelids. She shared with me that her eyeshadow was Moondust by Urban Decay – Space Cowboy. I took this as a sign to buy. I am a true believer that we are never too old for a little shimmer in our lives. Try these out, friends. Let your light shine.
There are two more things that I need to record on the blog this Thinky Thursday: First, I read an excellent article this morning by Sasha Chapin who insists that true charisma is responsiveness. It’s a fact, isn’t it? I immediately thought of the people whom I consider to be the most charismatic people in my life, and what makes them so intriguing is that they are so utterly intrigued with life, and with other people. Sasha says this about one of his own most charismatic acquaintances: “He is remarkably compelling, largely because he seems captivated by everyone and everything around him. Everywhere he goes, there is more ambient energy.” Chapin also says this: “You might dismiss this as a trick, but unless you genuinely love people and are comfortable in your own skin, it’s a really hard trick to pull off.” Reading this article, I immediately thought of one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. Her name was Jodi and she was a high school friend of mine, and of everyone else’s. She has unfortunately passed away many, many years ago (she died soon after we graduated from high school), but I can still vividly picture Jodi’s sparkly eyes and her bright smile, to this very day. She was probably one of the most popular people in our high school, but not just with the popular crowd. Everyone loved Jodi and I believe that it was because when you were with her, she gave you her full, genuine attention. She was authentically responsive to everyone she met. She didn’t just put on a show. Jodi pulled you on stage, and made you part of her show. True charisma is responsiveness.
And here’s a final fun tip: Earlier this week I read a good article that compared our minds to overworked, overstressed, on-the-verge-of-burnout employees. We all have three elements to ourselves: Mind, Body, Spirit But we humans have a tendency to dump all of our decision making onto our poor, overworked, overstressed, overthinking, overanalyzing, on-the-verge-of-burnout Minds. Our Spirits are subtle. Our intuition rarely screams. Our Spirit prefers “subtle sparkle”, but it always knows what is best for us. And our Bodies are workhorses. Our Bodies go, go, go until they don’t have the choice but to finally scream out in pain. So, in order to give our Minds a break, and to give our Bodies and our Spirits the equal attention that they so full-heartedly deserve, here is interesting way to tune into what our Bodies and Spirits are trying to say to us. Use yourself as a human pendulum. Stand up and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Think of a decision which you are having trouble making, and form this decision as a “Yes/No” question. Now notice if your Body is leaning forwards or backwards. At this moment, your relaxed Body is listening to the “subtle sparkle” of your Spirit. If it leans forward, the answer to your question is “yes.” If your Body leans backwards, the answer to your question is “no.” Now, of course, your overstressed, overworked, over analytical Mind is going to try to immediately take over and call all of this nonsense, but teamwork is dreamwork. Don’t necessarily dismiss what your Mind tells you, but make sure that you don’t dismiss what your Body and your Spirit are trying to tell you either.
That’s all for today, friends. Have a wonderful weekend. Shine on.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Me: Did you hear that Dolly Parton’s husband died?
My husband: Yes, and when I saw that news I thought to myself, Kelly’s going to dive deep into that one.
He knows me so well. I had already read about a dozen articles about Dolly’s marriage and extremely private husband. They were supposedly opposites, but they loved each other’s company. Dolly called Carl Dean, her husband, her “best friend” and she said that they shared a naughty sense of humor. While Carl Dean hated the limelight and he was, in her words, more of a “loner”, he always supported her decision to be a country music star and everything that comes with that profession. Carl told her that he had picked her, not the lifestyle, and that he would always pick her for the rest of his life. In one video, Dolly (who met Carl Dean when she was just 18 years old, and married him at age 20) spoke of the great comfort it is to come home to someone who clearly knows you, and who loves you for exactly who you are, when everything else is stripped away.
My favorite quote about Dolly and Carl was from a reddit thread from a couple of years ago. One redditor simply said, “They both got good ones.” I think that sums it up perfectly. Maybe for some, that is all that there is, to the simplest, best formula for a happily ever after marriage.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.
The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.
“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”. Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.”
Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.
And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:
According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.
All the animals fled in terror
Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.
Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.
The Jaguar asked, “What are you doing Hummingbird?
“I am going to the lake”, he answered. “I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”
The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”
“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.” “But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that. I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”
I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”
At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest.
Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.
The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”
“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”
“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”
That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“It is the beauty within us that makes it possible for us to recognize the beauty around us. The question is not what you look at but what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau
“Be a fountain, not a drain.” – from the movie The Forge
I see that the original Dr. Scholl’s sandals are making a comeback. I will not be participating. The worst sprained ankle that I ever got as a kid came from tripping while wearing my Dr. Scholl’s. Dr. Scholl’s sandals were a drain on me, not a fountain.
There are a lot of draining people, news, experiences, etc. happening around us these days. It is so easy to feel depleted and overwhelmed. So that is why it is vitally important to stay self-aware. What are you looking at? What are you “seeing”? Are you surrounding yourself with fountains or with drains? What about you? Are you a fountain, or are you a drain to others? Are you a fountain or a drain to yourself? Are your thoughts and actions replenishing, uplifting, refreshing, and coming from deep within yourself, like a fountain? Or are you choosing to do things and to think things that deplete you, leaving you feeling empty and exhausted?
I don’t spend much time on social media. I find it to be more of a drain than a fountain. However, when I want to be uplifted and inspired I like to look at Gregorio Catarino’s feed on X. He mostly posts beautiful, inspiring artwork. Every once in a while he posts captioned art. Gregorio recently posted this picture from Disney:
Be a fountain for yourself right now, and conjure up some of your favorite memories. I had a interesting conversation lately with a group of friends and we all came to the conclusion that our best memories rarely came from the big, well-planned, carefully orchestrated events or holidays in our lives, but more from the spontaneous, out-of-nowhere, surprise gifts of unexpected wonderful moments. When we were reflecting on each of our favorite memories, they tended to be the moments that unexpectedly came together, almost like magic, like gifts showered from above, when least expected. Likewise, when I reflect back on my many travels and vacations, my favorite memories are usually experiences with individuals, or the ambiance of a certain place, or happening upon things that I have never come close to experiencing anywhere else. The tours and the famous sites are interesting, but what sticks out to me, in my fondest memories, are the “fountains” of friendly restaurant owners, and artists whom I only shared the language of awe and appreciation with, or the times laughing with my loved ones, like the time our family was famished and we were all staring at a food elevator in a Chinese restaurant in New York City, salivating like dogs every time that the elevator’s bell rang, praying that the food being delivered was finally ours.
If you choose to be a fountain, and if you choose to look at things more deeply than with just your eyes, you have a better chance at having fun, which alchemizes into your treasure box of your most cherished, beautiful memories. Be a fountain. Be a fountain for others. Be a fountain for yourself. The world can never have enough fountains.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Recently, I was listening to a really interesting podcast about Internal Family Systems theory. Internal Family Systems focuses on the idea that each of us have many parts to our own selves, and many of these parts have been created by us, throughout our lives, from early childhood on, in order to protect our core selves from situations and emotions and personality traits that we deem as “bad” or “too much” or “overwhelming.” The counselor being interviewed suggested that in order to understand our own actions and reactions, and also to understand the ways in which we go about living our lives, we should try to notice these different parts of our own personalities. She stated that it is okay to even give these personality traits “names” as long as they weren’t derogatory, like calling one of your managers, “Judgy Judy”. Just “Judy” works. (She said that it is vitally important to be compassionate and understanding with each part of ourselves, in order to open up and to understand how we operate, in our everyday lives.) To be clear, the counselor claimed this is not the same as multiple personality disorder, as you fully understand that these are all just different parts and traits of your one true self. You have created these personality aspects, in order to protect, and to deal with, and to manage different situations and triggers that happen in your life.
Firefighters are the parts of us that see everything as an emergency. Firefighters want to diffuse the situation immediately. They want to numb us from big feelings immediately. They aren’t “bad”, they are just reactors (and sometimes over reactors). They are the parts of us who don’t think before we act. Firefighters like the immediate gratification of quick shut downs. Firefighters tend to bring our addictions and obsessions and distractions into the picture quickly.
Managers typically have the same voice as the biggest critics in our lives, such as a controlling parent, or a demanding boss, or an exacting teacher. They are the parts of us that believe that we are only good for what we give and for what we do. Managers aren’t “bad”, they are just controlling. They are the parts of us who believe that we must control everything, in order to be safe. The counselor being interviewed said that our managers tend to be super judgmental and critical of our own selves, and thus also tend to be overly judgmental and critical of everyone and everything else, creating a lonely void and disconnection in our lives. The managers are overly concerned with appearances and images and titles and yet get frustrated when we still feel empty and hollow inside after each achievement. The managers tend to cyclically chase the next big thing. They like to keep us “busy.”
Exiles are the parts of us which we have abandoned. Somewhere down the line, maybe because of past criticisms or experiences that brought us shame, we have decided that these parts of us were too shameful to own as part of ourselves, so we put these parts of ourselves in the dark recesses/dungeons of our minds and we pretend that these things don’t exist. But they do exist. They do not go away. And since we don’t acknowledge them, the exiles have a tendency to come out of nowhere. We then like to project these exiled parts of ourselves on to other people, and then we put our anger and hatred of our own exiled parts, on to the subjects of our projections.
It is important to note that none of these personality aspects are “bad.” We all have these different parts and they were all created out of good intentions. They all just believe that they need to “protect” the Core Self, which ironically is the most serene, safe, connected, pure, authentic, peaceful, aware, “real” part of us who really doesn’t need any protection. They key to using Internal Family Systems theory in order to help you better understand your own actions and interactions in your own life, is self-awareness. Notice and catalog the people and the situations which trigger you. Why is this a trigger? Who comes out the most when you are triggered, your firefighters or your managers? Do your firefighters come out for certain triggers, and do your managers come out for other triggers? Who is mostly leading you through your everyday life (ideally, through enough compassionate and open-minded introspection you will get to the point where your core self is the one who mostly runs the show)? Who or what do you detest the most in life? Can you find any part of our your own self that has some resemblance to that what which you utterly can’t stand (Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.)? Is it possible that your “exiled parts” aren’t really bad but just need redirected or put into situations where they would be treasured and appreciated? (for instance, the counselor talked about working with a lot of ADHD clients, who had spent years being chastised for being the disruptors in their classrooms, and thus they took on the moniker of “f-up” and acted up accordingly. However, when the counselor changed the way that her clients saw their ADHD traits, and asked them to redirect these traits into fields that required manic energy and single-minded focus, many of them became highly successful, and soon embraced the idea of how being “different” actually became their unstoppable superpower.)
This is just an overview. I’m just relaying what I got from the conversation from the podcast. I found it helpful and worth some exploration. Milly, my manager, and Freddy, my firefighter, and Evie, my exile, seem to appreciate the newfound attention and acknowledgment. (wink)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
*******And here’s a bonus, from my lighter, less intense part of myself (yes, she does exist). I have a new favorite to share! I found the owl version of this cup at a local store, and of course, I had to get myself more (a lot more). Go to this website, if you want to have a fun surprise in your everyday cup of coffee or tea. Creature Cups have built in “company”, and fun surprises lurking just below the surface of your drink. Here is where to buy:
“Nobody can drive you crazy unless you agree to sit in their passenger’s seat.” – Alan Cohen
^^^^^Here’s another one that I had to have for our shared thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. How true is this statement? As I am writing this, a squirrel is trying to get Trip (our excitable and infamous, and unfortunately proven, squirrel hunter/killer Boykin spaniel) to fully engage. The daredevil squirrel is tapping on the fence and slowly walking across it, twitching its tail tantalizingly, and frequently pausing and watching Trip, as he cheekily shows off his tricky little tightrope routine/show. Interestingly, Trip is watching calmly and alertly in the backyard, but he is not choosing to engage in what is usually (thank goodness) a fruitless game. Trip is enjoying the plush grass, the still cool air, and his full tummy from the hearty breakfast that he just consumed. He is taking a backseat and allowing the show to go on, without participating in it. The squirrel is annoyed with this, surprisingly. He seems agitated and keeps chirping incessantly at Trip. Apparently, Rocky the squirrel, likes high stakes games of putting his life on the line for the pure thrill and excitement of it. (I truly believe that much like free solo mountain climbers, there is something annoyingly unusual in squirrels’ brains which makes them relatively fearless and antagonizing. My apologies to squirrel lovers, but not really.)
It is nice and surprising to see Trip not jump shotgun into the squirrel’s Ferrari. It shows a healthy side of Trip seldom seen. I believe that this bodes well for a peaceful day for all of us.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is a new exhibit in the thought museum that I call, Adulting – Second Half: (Ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, boss ladies, this one is especially important for you to take your time with, and to ponder with open hearts and minds):
“If a problem isn’t yours to solve, to do so would be a robbery for the person who needs the accomplishment or the lesson.” – Holiday Mathis
Ooooof. Those of us who consider one of our superpowers as being “helpful”, don’t like to consider the idea that sometimes our “helping” could actually be labeled as “robbery.” We don’t like to think that sometimes what we consider to be helpful, might actually be something more like controlling, or enabling, or arrogant and presumptuous. In short, people who tend to “help” in a codependent manner need every bit as much help as the people whom they believe they are “helping.”
When we do other people’s work, we are stealing the pride and self confidence that they achieve from accomplishing the work on their own. When we swoop in and “fix” other people’s problems, we delay the lessons the Universe is trying to teach them. The irony of all of this is, most of us “helper” types can’t stand to be “helped.” We like to be lone wolves. We can do it all ourselves. Nobody can do it better than us. Don’t try to control us. (And then, if we are honest with ourselves, we sometimes then like to thrash our chests and to lament, “Who cares about me? Who’s “helping” me? I do everything for everybody else, and nobody cares about poor little me.” We rarely think to refocus some of our own “helpful” energy on to ourselves.)
Now help isn’t bad. It is kind and good and positive to support each other through this journey we call life. Life can be hard. We need each other. However, the key difference between “helping” and “enabling” is best explained by the Association of Intervention Specialists: “The key difference between helping and enabling someone is that helping supports positive change, while enabling mitigates the consequences of negative behavior without addressing the underlying issue.”
So, for example, if a friend who is in financial trouble, asks you to help them move to a cheaper apartment, it is helpful and kind for you to assist in that way. But if a friend who is in financial trouble, wants you to help them to continue to pay for expensive rent which is way beyond their means, that is enabling to do so.
True help lifts people up. It helps them to see that they are capable and able and resilient and strong. It supports their own ability to solve their own problems. True help is support that lasts. When we feel confused if we are helping someone, or instead, we may actually be enabling someone, it is always good to check our motivations for our “helping.” Are we trying to control the situation to settle our own fears and anxieties? Are we overly concerned with our image of being a “good” person and focused on what other people may think of us? Are we overly concerned with the outcome, so that if a person whom we are “helping” doesn’t respond to our “helping” in the way that we want them to, we seethe with resentment? Is “helping” someone causing problems and detriment in our own lives and health? If we answer “yes” to any of the questions above, we aren’t being helpful to anyone, ourselves included.
What do you think of the new exhibit? Is it a little bit of “shock art”? Do you recognize yourself in any of it? Are you a helper or a robber? If someone isn’t “helping” you in the way you think that they should help you, is it possible they are actually “helping” you more than you could ever know?
Another addition to this exhibit could be: “When you change perspective, everythingchanges.” – Jenny Colgan
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
