Tag: inspiration

Bubbling Water

“It is the beauty within us that makes it possible for us to recognize the beauty around us. The question is not what you look at but what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau

“Be a fountain, not a drain.” – from the movie The Forge

I see that the original Dr. Scholl’s sandals are making a comeback. I will not be participating. The worst sprained ankle that I ever got as a kid came from tripping while wearing my Dr. Scholl’s. Dr. Scholl’s sandals were a drain on me, not a fountain.

There are a lot of draining people, news, experiences, etc. happening around us these days. It is so easy to feel depleted and overwhelmed. So that is why it is vitally important to stay self-aware. What are you looking at? What are you “seeing”? Are you surrounding yourself with fountains or with drains? What about you? Are you a fountain, or are you a drain to others? Are you a fountain or a drain to yourself? Are your thoughts and actions replenishing, uplifting, refreshing, and coming from deep within yourself, like a fountain? Or are you choosing to do things and to think things that deplete you, leaving you feeling empty and exhausted?

I don’t spend much time on social media. I find it to be more of a drain than a fountain. However, when I want to be uplifted and inspired I like to look at Gregorio Catarino’s feed on X. He mostly posts beautiful, inspiring artwork. Every once in a while he posts captioned art. Gregorio recently posted this picture from Disney:

Be a fountain for yourself right now, and conjure up some of your favorite memories. I had a interesting conversation lately with a group of friends and we all came to the conclusion that our best memories rarely came from the big, well-planned, carefully orchestrated events or holidays in our lives, but more from the spontaneous, out-of-nowhere, surprise gifts of unexpected wonderful moments. When we were reflecting on each of our favorite memories, they tended to be the moments that unexpectedly came together, almost like magic, like gifts showered from above, when least expected. Likewise, when I reflect back on my many travels and vacations, my favorite memories are usually experiences with individuals, or the ambiance of a certain place, or happening upon things that I have never come close to experiencing anywhere else. The tours and the famous sites are interesting, but what sticks out to me, in my fondest memories, are the “fountains” of friendly restaurant owners, and artists whom I only shared the language of awe and appreciation with, or the times laughing with my loved ones, like the time our family was famished and we were all staring at a food elevator in a Chinese restaurant in New York City, salivating like dogs every time that the elevator’s bell rang, praying that the food being delivered was finally ours.

If you choose to be a fountain, and if you choose to look at things more deeply than with just your eyes, you have a better chance at having fun, which alchemizes into your treasure box of your most cherished, beautiful memories. Be a fountain. Be a fountain for others. Be a fountain for yourself. The world can never have enough fountains.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Milly, Freddy, Evie, and me

Recently, I was listening to a really interesting podcast about Internal Family Systems theory. Internal Family Systems focuses on the idea that each of us have many parts to our own selves, and many of these parts have been created by us, throughout our lives, from early childhood on, in order to protect our core selves from situations and emotions and personality traits that we deem as “bad” or “too much” or “overwhelming.” The counselor being interviewed suggested that in order to understand our own actions and reactions, and also to understand the ways in which we go about living our lives, we should try to notice these different parts of our own personalities. She stated that it is okay to even give these personality traits “names” as long as they weren’t derogatory, like calling one of your managers, “Judgy Judy”. Just “Judy” works. (She said that it is vitally important to be compassionate and understanding with each part of ourselves, in order to open up and to understand how we operate, in our everyday lives.) To be clear, the counselor claimed this is not the same as multiple personality disorder, as you fully understand that these are all just different parts and traits of your one true self. You have created these personality aspects, in order to protect, and to deal with, and to manage different situations and triggers that happen in your life.

Firefighters are the parts of us that see everything as an emergency. Firefighters want to diffuse the situation immediately. They want to numb us from big feelings immediately. They aren’t “bad”, they are just reactors (and sometimes over reactors). They are the parts of us who don’t think before we act. Firefighters like the immediate gratification of quick shut downs. Firefighters tend to bring our addictions and obsessions and distractions into the picture quickly.

Managers typically have the same voice as the biggest critics in our lives, such as a controlling parent, or a demanding boss, or an exacting teacher. They are the parts of us that believe that we are only good for what we give and for what we do. Managers aren’t “bad”, they are just controlling. They are the parts of us who believe that we must control everything, in order to be safe. The counselor being interviewed said that our managers tend to be super judgmental and critical of our own selves, and thus also tend to be overly judgmental and critical of everyone and everything else, creating a lonely void and disconnection in our lives. The managers are overly concerned with appearances and images and titles and yet get frustrated when we still feel empty and hollow inside after each achievement. The managers tend to cyclically chase the next big thing. They like to keep us “busy.”

Exiles are the parts of us which we have abandoned. Somewhere down the line, maybe because of past criticisms or experiences that brought us shame, we have decided that these parts of us were too shameful to own as part of ourselves, so we put these parts of ourselves in the dark recesses/dungeons of our minds and we pretend that these things don’t exist. But they do exist. They do not go away. And since we don’t acknowledge them, the exiles have a tendency to come out of nowhere. We then like to project these exiled parts of ourselves on to other people, and then we put our anger and hatred of our own exiled parts, on to the subjects of our projections.

It is important to note that none of these personality aspects are “bad.” We all have these different parts and they were all created out of good intentions. They all just believe that they need to “protect” the Core Self, which ironically is the most serene, safe, connected, pure, authentic, peaceful, aware, “real” part of us who really doesn’t need any protection. They key to using Internal Family Systems theory in order to help you better understand your own actions and interactions in your own life, is self-awareness. Notice and catalog the people and the situations which trigger you. Why is this a trigger? Who comes out the most when you are triggered, your firefighters or your managers? Do your firefighters come out for certain triggers, and do your managers come out for other triggers? Who is mostly leading you through your everyday life (ideally, through enough compassionate and open-minded introspection you will get to the point where your core self is the one who mostly runs the show)? Who or what do you detest the most in life? Can you find any part of our your own self that has some resemblance to that what which you utterly can’t stand (Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.)? Is it possible that your “exiled parts” aren’t really bad but just need redirected or put into situations where they would be treasured and appreciated? (for instance, the counselor talked about working with a lot of ADHD clients, who had spent years being chastised for being the disruptors in their classrooms, and thus they took on the moniker of “f-up” and acted up accordingly. However, when the counselor changed the way that her clients saw their ADHD traits, and asked them to redirect these traits into fields that required manic energy and single-minded focus, many of them became highly successful, and soon embraced the idea of how being “different” actually became their unstoppable superpower.)

This is just an overview. I’m just relaying what I got from the conversation from the podcast. I found it helpful and worth some exploration. Milly, my manager, and Freddy, my firefighter, and Evie, my exile, seem to appreciate the newfound attention and acknowledgment. (wink)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

*******And here’s a bonus, from my lighter, less intense part of myself (yes, she does exist). I have a new favorite to share! I found the owl version of this cup at a local store, and of course, I had to get myself more (a lot more). Go to this website, if you want to have a fun surprise in your everyday cup of coffee or tea. Creature Cups have built in “company”, and fun surprises lurking just below the surface of your drink. Here is where to buy:

https://creaturecups.com/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAzba9BhBhEiwA7glbagoV6IRPaucLZ2JWnCWt1IoxSwiV0-VnmFpYqLYw5E3FRb-8vV0cLxoC7jwQAvD_BwE

Next Exhibit

“Nobody can drive you crazy unless you agree to sit in their passenger’s seat.” – Alan Cohen

^^^^^Here’s another one that I had to have for our shared thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. How true is this statement? As I am writing this, a squirrel is trying to get Trip (our excitable and infamous, and unfortunately proven, squirrel hunter/killer Boykin spaniel) to fully engage. The daredevil squirrel is tapping on the fence and slowly walking across it, twitching its tail tantalizingly, and frequently pausing and watching Trip, as he cheekily shows off his tricky little tightrope routine/show. Interestingly, Trip is watching calmly and alertly in the backyard, but he is not choosing to engage in what is usually (thank goodness) a fruitless game. Trip is enjoying the plush grass, the still cool air, and his full tummy from the hearty breakfast that he just consumed. He is taking a backseat and allowing the show to go on, without participating in it. The squirrel is annoyed with this, surprisingly. He seems agitated and keeps chirping incessantly at Trip. Apparently, Rocky the squirrel, likes high stakes games of putting his life on the line for the pure thrill and excitement of it. (I truly believe that much like free solo mountain climbers, there is something annoyingly unusual in squirrels’ brains which makes them relatively fearless and antagonizing. My apologies to squirrel lovers, but not really.)

It is nice and surprising to see Trip not jump shotgun into the squirrel’s Ferrari. It shows a healthy side of Trip seldom seen. I believe that this bodes well for a peaceful day for all of us.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

New Exhibit

Here is a new exhibit in the thought museum that I call, Adulting – Second Half: (Ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, boss ladies, this one is especially important for you to take your time with, and to ponder with open hearts and minds):

“If a problem isn’t yours to solve, to do so would be a robbery for the person who needs the accomplishment or the lesson.” – Holiday Mathis

Ooooof. Those of us who consider one of our superpowers as being “helpful”, don’t like to consider the idea that sometimes our “helping” could actually be labeled as “robbery.” We don’t like to think that sometimes what we consider to be helpful, might actually be something more like controlling, or enabling, or arrogant and presumptuous. In short, people who tend to “help” in a codependent manner need every bit as much help as the people whom they believe they are “helping.”

When we do other people’s work, we are stealing the pride and self confidence that they achieve from accomplishing the work on their own. When we swoop in and “fix” other people’s problems, we delay the lessons the Universe is trying to teach them. The irony of all of this is, most of us “helper” types can’t stand to be “helped.” We like to be lone wolves. We can do it all ourselves. Nobody can do it better than us. Don’t try to control us. (And then, if we are honest with ourselves, we sometimes then like to thrash our chests and to lament, “Who cares about me? Who’s “helping” me? I do everything for everybody else, and nobody cares about poor little me.” We rarely think to refocus some of our own “helpful” energy on to ourselves.)

Now help isn’t bad. It is kind and good and positive to support each other through this journey we call life. Life can be hard. We need each other. However, the key difference between “helping” and “enabling” is best explained by the Association of Intervention Specialists: “The key difference between helping and enabling someone is that helping supports positive change, while enabling mitigates the consequences of negative behavior without addressing the underlying issue.”

So, for example, if a friend who is in financial trouble, asks you to help them move to a cheaper apartment, it is helpful and kind for you to assist in that way. But if a friend who is in financial trouble, wants you to help them to continue to pay for expensive rent which is way beyond their means, that is enabling to do so.

True help lifts people up. It helps them to see that they are capable and able and resilient and strong. It supports their own ability to solve their own problems. True help is support that lasts. When we feel confused if we are helping someone, or instead, we may actually be enabling someone, it is always good to check our motivations for our “helping.” Are we trying to control the situation to settle our own fears and anxieties? Are we overly concerned with our image of being a “good” person and focused on what other people may think of us? Are we overly concerned with the outcome, so that if a person whom we are “helping” doesn’t respond to our “helping” in the way that we want them to, we seethe with resentment? Is “helping” someone causing problems and detriment in our own lives and health? If we answer “yes” to any of the questions above, we aren’t being helpful to anyone, ourselves included.

What do you think of the new exhibit? Is it a little bit of “shock art”? Do you recognize yourself in any of it? Are you a helper or a robber? If someone isn’t “helping” you in the way you think that they should help you, is it possible they are actually “helping” you more than you could ever know?

Another addition to this exhibit could be: “When you change perspective, everything changes.” – Jenny Colgan

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

It’s Friday, No Horsepucky

It’s Friday, the best day of the week!!! For old times’ sake, I promise to add a favorite thing of mine, for you to ponder purchasing, at the end of my post, but first, also for old times’ sake, I have a really cool No Horsepucky story that happened just last week:

My regular readers already know that we lost our big yellow Labrador retriever, Ralphie, during the holidays. He had an aggressive lymphoma, and was in a lot of pain, and so we had him euthanized in our home. This was understandably devastating for all of us in our family.

Now there is a field, by a church with some homes across the street, that we would take all three of our dogs to, on occasion. We would take them off of their leads and let them run their energy off, while they gleefully ran circles around us. We were always careful to make sure there that were no other dogs nor children around. Admittedly, there is a leash law in this town that holds this big, wide open field. And also admittedly, we were breaking the law when we did this. Last week, around dusk, we took our two remaining dogs, Josie, a tricolor rough collie, and Trip, a Boykin spaniel, (also known as “little brown dogs”) to this field and we let them off of their leads, in order to run around like mad and chase each other. Lo and behold, within minutes, out of nowhere, there appeared flashing red and blue lights. A young police officer came out of a police car, and so we immediately put the dogs back on their leashes.

The officer looked chagrined. “Guys, I’m sorry,” he said. “There is a regular, same, anonymous caller who probably retired too soon, who thinks that their new job is to enforce every ordinance in this town.” He sighed. “So, I am sure that they are watching me talk to you. I have to tell you that you can’t let your dogs off of their leashes.”

“Understood, officer,” I said respectfully. “We’ll keep our direwolves under control,” my husband muttered under his breath.

“It’s really weird, though,” the officer said, as he turned to get back into his patrol car. “The caller said that it was a big yellow lab running off lead.”

True story. No horsepucky.

Okay, and now here’s the promised favorite for this freezing Friday (even here in Florida – yikes!). I read an article in the WSJ before Christmas that this particular ice cream scoop is better than all others. Supposedly, the way that the scoop conducts heat from your hands, makes scooping ice cream particularly easy, smooth and simple. So, I stuffed my family’s stockings with them, and when my daughter opened hers she exclaimed that they were the exact same scoops that she had used when working at our local, beachy, well-known, famous-in-these-parts ice cream shop.

What is this marvelous, must have contraption? It’s the Zeroll, Size 20, Original Ice Cream Scoop, and you can order it from Amazon. Now, go buy your favorite ice cream so you can try it for yourself. Yum. (Some good things do come from freezing cold.)

Finally, here’s a great question that my husband (who played football his entire youth) posed to me recently when I was getting my panties in a knot over nothing really. He said to me, “Babe, what’s the long-game here?” It jolted me into perspective quickly. Most of our little aggravations with people and with situations, aren’t that big of a deal in the scheme of things. But relationships and events can be damaged and possibly even ruined if we let these little grievances get to us, and we react poorly. So when you find yourself in a frustrated state, take a pause and ask yourself, “What’s the long-game here?” I think that this question will come quite in handy, as our family has two weddings in the horizon. While we want these days to be incredibly special, we all know that things rarely go exactly as planned. The long-game in any wedding, is a special, warm celebration of two people’s love and commitment to one another. The long-game is supporting a happy, healthy union.

The next time that you are spiraling, take a beat, and ask yourself, “What is the long-game here?” And then decide whether your actions and choices are supporting the long-game in any endeavor or relationship that is important to you. And after careful consideration, if you are quite okay with the long-game being shortened or ended, by all means, have at it.

Have a great weekend, friends! Scoop some ice cream and play the long game.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

A Letter to my Soulmates

“Life is a song – sing it. Life is a game – play it. Life is a challenge – meet it. Life is a dream – realize it. Life is a sacrifice – offer it. Life is love – enjoy it.” – Sai Baba

Dear Friends,

I don’t know about you, but I usually love the start of the new year because it makes me feel inspired and energized and “raring to go.” But honestly, at this time, this year, I feel a little differently. I feel a little depleted. I feel a little confused, and a little out of sorts. I feel a little overwhelmed and undirected and not as confident as usual.

Our country has been through a lot of intensity, in the last six months or so, particularly. We have dealt (and are still dealing) with out-of-proportion natural events, out-of-proportion political events, and also, as we know that every personal life is a world unto its own, so many of us have dealt with out-of-proportion personal events going on at the same time as the major events around us swirl (storms within storms). Intensity is not necessarily “bad.” But even feeling intensely good is a stressor to our minds, and our bodies, and our souls. Intensity, by its very definition, is a lot.

We all know that we have very little to no control of people and of events outside of ourselves, but the beauty of it is, we DO have control of how we react and how we respond to everything. And no one else has control over these reactions and these responses, but us.

I have often thought that our responses to situations come out of two places – fear or love. This is confusing sometimes, because how can you love something that you deem as truly awful? How can you approach something terrible with love? Faith comes from love. Hope comes from love. Curiosity and openness comes from love. Community and service and generosity comes from love. Optimism comes from love. Fear breeds faithlessness, hopelessness, closed mindedness, isolation, suspicion and greed and pessimism. Loving someone or something doesn’t mean that you always agree with it, or like it, or enjoy it. Loving someone or something doesn’t mean that you don’t want the circumstances to change. Loving just means fully accepting something as it currently is, and choosing a faithful, hopeful, curious, open-minded, service-minded, generous, optimistic approach to the situation, and to yourself and to others, all at the same time.

We recently spent a lovely night with close friends of ours whose home was greatly damaged in the Florida hurricanes of last fall. Despite the sadness, and frustrations, and the awfulness of the situation, our friends talked of getting closer to their friends and neighbors. They talked of the joy and excitement of seeing a waterway opened that had long been closed to boats and activities. They talked of fun changes which they can make to their home, that they had long talked about doing. They spoke with faith, hope, curiosity, openness, and abundance. They spoke of love for each other, for their home, for their community and for their state. Would have they preferred to not go through the travesty of the hurricanes? Of course! But they are choosing to respond to the situation out of love, and not out of fear.

It is my belief, that our souls decided to experience this lifetime. It is my belief that our souls decided that we were up for the adventure, and also for the triumphs and even the travesties that could come from this daunting adventure. Our souls signed on to carry out Sai Baba’s quotation: “Life is a song – sing it. Life is a game – play it. Life is a challenge – meet it. Life is a dream – realize it. Life is a sacrifice – offer it. Life is love – enjoy it.” Our souls decided to take this roller coaster ride of our lifetimes, knowing that at the end of the ride, despite all of its thrills, and all of its ups and downs, we would end up safely at our port of entry. Our love of tactile, sensual, creative experiences overcame our fears of the unknown, as we stepped into the seats to take the rides of our lives.

Much love to you all, my dear soulmates,

Kelly

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday’s Frolics

+ I was listening to a podcast yesterday that suggested that instead of solving our problems, we have a tendency to “change” our problems. So, we allow ourselves to get distracted with other people’s problems, or with other smaller problems in our own lives, without tackling the biggest problems, which are wreaking havoc in our own lives. It’s a neat little trick that we play on ourselves. It’s the very definition of codependency to focus on taking care of, or “fixing” others, instead of what is ours to take care of and fix – ourselves. What are you avoiding in your own life, with the premise that you are too busy dealing with other problems (and often, other people’s problems)? What are you trying to distract yourself from, instead of facing the problem head on and looking for ways to solve it?

+ My husband was talking to an independently wealthy man at work who said that he thinks that he is a better employee because he chooses to work. He does not have to work, for money. My husband said that he sees that the opposite is true, too. If you have to work to provide for your family, and there is no other way, you will hustle like nobody’s business. So, what I take from this conversation, is that employees from both extremes will make your best employees. Self-motivated workers who are doing the job for the intrinsic qualities that it gives to their lives, and self-motivated workers who are desperate to provide a nice life for themselves and their families. The shared quality is “self-motivated.” And what I have heard from every business owner I have ever met, is that finding good, reliable, steady employees is the hardest part of the business. If I were a business owner, I would suss out what is deeply motivating (or not) to a potential employee.

+ And a quote that struck me from my readings this week: “Sometimes you have to end things before they end you.”

+ Okay, I have heard from many of you that you miss my Favorite Things Friday posts, so I will give you one of my favorites for today. I bought a small Tibetan singing bowl set for around $10 on Amazon and I strike it three times every morning. It soothes me. I love to hear the sound of it. I consider this to be my own personal reset button, to start my day. And even “the less woo-woo than me, i.e. my entire family” have stated that they like the sound of it, too. Enjoy your senses. This is the real meaning of being sensual.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Seven Things

This summarized list below is from an interview Kelly Corrigan had with Happy/Crappy author, Kate Bowler, and it is just too good not to keep the whole thing, in its quoted entirety, in the annals of my thought museum, Adulting – Second Half:

“1. The yeses we give too freely become the weights we carry unwillingly. 

2. Mastering our emotions isn’t about feeling them less, it’s about moving through them faster.

3. No one will ever care about our tiny concerns the way our parents did.  

4. Family disasters often become family folklore—and thank goodness for that.

5. Guard the hope of the young.  

6. There is a world of difference between observing feelings and being consumed by them. 

7. Purpose protects against loneliness.”

I’m sorry that I’ve been away from writing the blog for a while. Today is the first day that I don’t have something really time-consuming on the schedule to do, in a while. Today marks the first day of this holiday season in which I can focus entirely on our immediate family’s Christmas celebrations going forward. (hmmm, apparently I was giving away my “yeses” too freely . . . . see number 1. of the above list)

Number 2. of the list above is something that I was just reiterating to my husband when I told him that our youngest son would be going to his girlfriend’s parents for Christmas. Our Christmases are recently starting to go through rapid evolutions after years and years of same ol’/same ol’. Our four children are all adults. They all have serious significant others (whom we all, thankfully, like/love very much). We have to share our children. And we know this logically. And we support this with our values of wanting authentic relationships based on healthy mutual affection and not based on guilt trips and control. But still, those little pangs of nostalgia and sadness sometimes pop up. Our immature, kindergartner brat child persona doesn’t really like to have to share. At all. So, I told my husband, we must feel our feelings, notice them, and then let them move on through. It’s interesting to notice that when you don’t try to repress, deny, hastily react, or lay judgment on your feelings, how quickly they really do pass.

Number 3. of the list makes me smile because my husband, in particular, is really patient and empathetic when listening to any of our family’s litany of complaints about work, school, unfair policies, customer ‘service’ experiences, crappy products made in China, etc. etc. (I think that I lose patience with this tedium a little bit faster than he does, but I guarantee none of our kids would dare to bore anyone else with their “tiny concerns” that are safely left fallen on their loving parents’ burning ears)

Number 4. is so relatable. This Thanksgiving we experienced a trial in which right in the middle of preparing and cooking Thanksgiving dinner (a valiant group effort that involved our son’s new significant other, who is a dedicated, professional foodie), we realized that our brand new oven had broken. The turkey was getting lukewarm at best. We remedied the whole situation by trucking our half-made meal to a different kitchen to complete the process. At the time, I was frustrated (no, I was more like ragingly pissed), sad, embarrassed, flabbergasted, bummed, annoyed, shocked (etc. etc.) and so was the rest of the family, but we collected ourselves pretty quickly. We all remained calm and cool (on the outside anyway) and by the end of a delicious feast, we were already laughing about the situation which will probably remain in our family lore for a long, long time. (and yes, we got a new oven which was covered by its warranty – all’s well that ends well)

Number 5. on the list reminded me of my experience yesterday when my daughter and I spent the entire day at the Salvation Army helping people load their angel Christmas presents into their cars. Let me start from the beginning with this story: For many years my husband and I have bought presents for the children in our city, from adopting and shopping for children from various Christmas angel ornaments, plucked from a tree at his workplace. Me, in my typical “Curious Kelly” mode, started peppering my husband with questions: “I wonder how this works? Does our angel actually get the presents that we give them or do they spread them around? How many angels are there, do you think? . . . . .” He finally said to me, “Well, you could volunteer and find out.” Truth. It hits hard, but he was absolutely right. And so I write to you this morning, with a really, really sore body (many, many, many generous souls made for many, many, many heavy, heavy Santa bags) and with a bigger heart which grew three sizes yesterday. What could be more beautiful than being part of guarding “the hope of the young?” . . . Well, you could volunteer and find out.

Number 6. relates to Number 2. on the list. Feel your feels, but don’t wallow in them. Accept them. Hug them. But then wave them on their way! Don’t indulge. Every feel deserves its own time in the sun, and they all circle back, from time to time. Keep ’em flowing. (think of feeling your feelings, like a long chain of graduates shaking the principal’s hand. Let each feeling have its moment, and then move to the next feeling with your full, undivided attention. David Brooks says that we should “Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer. All or nothing.”)

Number 7. I think that purpose might be the most important thing that we can ever possess in our lives, but I also think that we complicate and we confuse the concept of “purpose” way, way too much. We tend to make it too “lofty” and unattainable. Purpose can be as simple as engaging in the gratitude of the miracles of nature that surround of us, every single day. As I grow older, I believe that my purpose now is to be the living embodiment and reassurance to those younger than me, that all is well. That they are going to be okay, no matter what. It is my purpose to live the idea that life is wonderful. Life is meant to be shared and savored and to be experienced in awe. My purpose is to be their comfort, that comes from my earned wisdom from living many years and many different stages of life. It’s not at all lonely to know that I can fulfill my purpose every single day, in everyday places like checkout lines, and traffic lights, and even at home. When I sit in peace and “wise-knowing” and joy, I add this magnanimous energy to the uplifting of this world, and then, those around me sense it and feel it. What could be more purposeful than adding peace and joy to the experience of our shared world?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fluidity

Everything is fluid. Even how you think about things is fluid. Especially how you think about things is fluid. We have started getting Christmas cards and a couple of them have come from people who were from a time when we lived in a whole different state. I have really fond memories of the people there. We were young families, literally raising our kids as a village. The neighborhood we lived in was mammoth. It was so big that it was essentially our neighborhood kids filling the entire elementary school. But yet, the neighborhood felt small, due to the wonderful circle of people we cavorted with there.

Many of our former inner circle there, like us, have left the neighborhood, for different neighborhoods (upsizing and downsizing) and like us, have even left for different states. We had to leave that neighborhood, and that state, back in 2011, for the necessity of greener pastures to support our large family quickly descending upon college age. So, leaving there, was truly bittersweet. We had poured our heart and souls into re-designing and adding on to the home where we lived there, with the faulty assumption that it would be the home that even our grandchildren would come to visit. And then, almost immediately after we finished the totally draining (both emotionally and financially) years long housing project, the Great Recession housing crash happened. We essentially had to give that home away for pennies on the dollar.

For many years, I had bitter feelings about that home. It had become a financial burden and albatross around our necks. It became “the thing” that made it hard to get “a fresh new start” in our new state. It was amazing that a creation that I had once had been so proud of, and had poured so much of my heart and creative vision into, had quickly turned into one of my biggest nightmares. It was a really humbling, shocking, disillusioning time in the lives of our family. And for years, only thoughts of anger and disbelief and frustration and regret, surrounded any ideas of our former home.

Today, out of curiosity, after receiving the cards that reminded me of our “former life”, I looked up our former home. It had been sold again in 2017 and the owners had added on even more beautiful updates. Interestingly, I noticed that all of my feelings of anger and disgust, had dissipated. I am back to feeling proud of “my former creation.” I am back to feeling deeply proud of the fingerprints, and the heartbeats, and the creative vision that we had for that home. I am mostly proud of the happy history and memories that we added to that place which we called home for a time in the life of our family. I am back to feeling only a full fondness for a lovely time in my life, and the lovely nest which we had created for our family at that time. And at the same time, I have no desire to go back. I am truly fulfilled at where I am in my life right now, and I see how all of the dots in my life have been connected and are being connected, as the picture of my life is being lived.

I have noticed this circling around of feelings and perspectives many times, about many people and situations, in my own life. I have also noticed this in the lives of others. Life has a way of softening the edges, after processing the hard stuff. How many people, having gone through vicious divorces, end up deeply hugging each other at their shared children’s major milestones? How many people have been able to find the gifts of lessons and silver linings, and forgiveness of self and others, in even the worst circumstances of their lives? Oprah Winfrey is credited with saying this: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

If you are going through a tough time in your life, give yourself the knowing that someday you will likely look at this situation with a different perspective. The worst, sharpest edges causing the gashes, and the bleeding, and the pain, will dull with time. The sharpest edges will stop being able to hurt you anymore. That’s the beauty of true forgiveness. It’s an acceptance of what is, and deciding to only take the “good stuff” from the situation. Forgiveness is finally stopping the continually gashing of yourself with the sharp edges, and allowing yourself to heal the wounds, so that when you come back to viewing the situation, you will see that the now dulled edges, can’t really hurt you anymore. You will find that with time and distance, the healing has created a strong (and sometimes scarred, but often stronger for the scarring) barrier to what was once a truly visceral, seemingly unending pain. Believe this. Stop poking at your pains and let them be. Allow the miracle of the change of perspective to appear when the timing is just right. Believe in impermanence and fluidity because they really are the only constants in life, besides the underlying Love that holds us all afloat.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ingratitude

“Not using your talents is an act of ingratitude.” – Holiday Mathis

My husband was telling me that he read an article that stated that Thanksgiving is quickly becoming America’s favorite holiday. He said that the article suggested this is because Thanksgiving is less commercialized than other holidays, and it is focused on gratitude. It always feels good to feel gratitude. It always feels good to be reminded of all of the plenty and abundance in our lives. When people list what they are grateful for the common lists seem to be: family, friends, home, health, food, pets, savings, etc. That’s why when I read the above quote this morning, it gave me pause. If someone were sitting around the Thanksgiving table and they started spouting how thankful they were for their intelligence, their creativity, their physical prowess, their beautiful singing voice, their gardening skills etc. we might think to ourselves, “How arrogant!”, but yet, we all benefit when people use their talents to the best of their abilities. Our Thanksgiving feasts are delicious because talented cooks came up with the recipes. We are entertained Thanksgiving Day by the talented singers and dancers and musicians and float creators that start with the Macy’s Day parade. We often watch amazing athletes later that day, playing football and other sports. Many of us went to go see Wicked over the weekend (my daughter and I among them) and besides the incredible actors, the talent that went into making that movie from the writers, to the special effects people, to the directors, etc. etc. is a list as long as the credits that are played at the end of each film which we see.

I often would spout to my children, “Actions speak louder than words.” Gratitude is an action. When we are grateful to be alive, our actions reflect this. When we are grateful to be able to do, and to enjoy the things that come naturally to us, we are giving ourselves (and the world) the gift of gratitude in action. When we squander our gifts and talents, that is like throwing a present away in the face of the Bestower. Don’t be humble. Be thankful. Share your gifts with the world. They are singular. No one does anything like you do it, and no one will ever do things exactly like you do them, again. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat us. The opposite of today’s quote is: “Using your talents, is an act of gratitude.” Today, be your gratitude.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.