hope Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Bubbling Water

“It is the beauty within us that makes it possible for us to recognize the beauty around us. The question is not what you look at but what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau

“Be a fountain, not a drain.” – from the movie The Forge

I see that the original Dr. Scholl’s sandals are making a comeback. I will not be participating. The worst sprained ankle that I ever got as a kid came from tripping while wearing my Dr. Scholl’s. Dr. Scholl’s sandals were a drain on me, not a fountain.

There are a lot of draining people, news, experiences, etc. happening around us these days. It is so easy to feel depleted and overwhelmed. So that is why it is vitally important to stay self-aware. What are you looking at? What are you “seeing”? Are you surrounding yourself with fountains or with drains? What about you? Are you a fountain, or are you a drain to others? Are you a fountain or a drain to yourself? Are your thoughts and actions replenishing, uplifting, refreshing, and coming from deep within yourself, like a fountain? Or are you choosing to do things and to think things that deplete you, leaving you feeling empty and exhausted?

I don’t spend much time on social media. I find it to be more of a drain than a fountain. However, when I want to be uplifted and inspired I like to look at Gregorio Catarino’s feed on X. He mostly posts beautiful, inspiring artwork. Every once in a while he posts captioned art. Gregorio recently posted this picture from Disney:

Be a fountain for yourself right now, and conjure up some of your favorite memories. I had a interesting conversation lately with a group of friends and we all came to the conclusion that our best memories rarely came from the big, well-planned, carefully orchestrated events or holidays in our lives, but more from the spontaneous, out-of-nowhere, surprise gifts of unexpected wonderful moments. When we were reflecting on each of our favorite memories, they tended to be the moments that unexpectedly came together, almost like magic, like gifts showered from above, when least expected. Likewise, when I reflect back on my many travels and vacations, my favorite memories are usually experiences with individuals, or the ambiance of a certain place, or happening upon things that I have never come close to experiencing anywhere else. The tours and the famous sites are interesting, but what sticks out to me, in my fondest memories, are the “fountains” of friendly restaurant owners, and artists whom I only shared the language of awe and appreciation with, or the times laughing with my loved ones, like the time our family was famished and we were all staring at a food elevator in a Chinese restaurant in New York City, salivating like dogs every time that the elevator’s bell rang, praying that the food being delivered was finally ours.

If you choose to be a fountain, and if you choose to look at things more deeply than with just your eyes, you have a better chance at having fun, which alchemizes into your treasure box of your most cherished, beautiful memories. Be a fountain. Be a fountain for others. Be a fountain for yourself. The world can never have enough fountains.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Milly, Freddy, Evie, and me

Recently, I was listening to a really interesting podcast about Internal Family Systems theory. Internal Family Systems focuses on the idea that each of us have many parts to our own selves, and many of these parts have been created by us, throughout our lives, from early childhood on, in order to protect our core selves from situations and emotions and personality traits that we deem as “bad” or “too much” or “overwhelming.” The counselor being interviewed suggested that in order to understand our own actions and reactions, and also to understand the ways in which we go about living our lives, we should try to notice these different parts of our own personalities. She stated that it is okay to even give these personality traits “names” as long as they weren’t derogatory, like calling one of your managers, “Judgy Judy”. Just “Judy” works. (She said that it is vitally important to be compassionate and understanding with each part of ourselves, in order to open up and to understand how we operate, in our everyday lives.) To be clear, the counselor claimed this is not the same as multiple personality disorder, as you fully understand that these are all just different parts and traits of your one true self. You have created these personality aspects, in order to protect, and to deal with, and to manage different situations and triggers that happen in your life.

Firefighters are the parts of us that see everything as an emergency. Firefighters want to diffuse the situation immediately. They want to numb us from big feelings immediately. They aren’t “bad”, they are just reactors (and sometimes over reactors). They are the parts of us who don’t think before we act. Firefighters like the immediate gratification of quick shut downs. Firefighters tend to bring our addictions and obsessions and distractions into the picture quickly.

Managers typically have the same voice as the biggest critics in our lives, such as a controlling parent, or a demanding boss, or an exacting teacher. They are the parts of us that believe that we are only good for what we give and for what we do. Managers aren’t “bad”, they are just controlling. They are the parts of us who believe that we must control everything, in order to be safe. The counselor being interviewed said that our managers tend to be super judgmental and critical of our own selves, and thus also tend to be overly judgmental and critical of everyone and everything else, creating a lonely void and disconnection in our lives. The managers are overly concerned with appearances and images and titles and yet get frustrated when we still feel empty and hollow inside after each achievement. The managers tend to cyclically chase the next big thing. They like to keep us “busy.”

Exiles are the parts of us which we have abandoned. Somewhere down the line, maybe because of past criticisms or experiences that brought us shame, we have decided that these parts of us were too shameful to own as part of ourselves, so we put these parts of ourselves in the dark recesses/dungeons of our minds and we pretend that these things don’t exist. But they do exist. They do not go away. And since we don’t acknowledge them, the exiles have a tendency to come out of nowhere. We then like to project these exiled parts of ourselves on to other people, and then we put our anger and hatred of our own exiled parts, on to the subjects of our projections.

It is important to note that none of these personality aspects are “bad.” We all have these different parts and they were all created out of good intentions. They all just believe that they need to “protect” the Core Self, which ironically is the most serene, safe, connected, pure, authentic, peaceful, aware, “real” part of us who really doesn’t need any protection. They key to using Internal Family Systems theory in order to help you better understand your own actions and interactions in your own life, is self-awareness. Notice and catalog the people and the situations which trigger you. Why is this a trigger? Who comes out the most when you are triggered, your firefighters or your managers? Do your firefighters come out for certain triggers, and do your managers come out for other triggers? Who is mostly leading you through your everyday life (ideally, through enough compassionate and open-minded introspection you will get to the point where your core self is the one who mostly runs the show)? Who or what do you detest the most in life? Can you find any part of our your own self that has some resemblance to that what which you utterly can’t stand (Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.)? Is it possible that your “exiled parts” aren’t really bad but just need redirected or put into situations where they would be treasured and appreciated? (for instance, the counselor talked about working with a lot of ADHD clients, who had spent years being chastised for being the disruptors in their classrooms, and thus they took on the moniker of “f-up” and acted up accordingly. However, when the counselor changed the way that her clients saw their ADHD traits, and asked them to redirect these traits into fields that required manic energy and single-minded focus, many of them became highly successful, and soon embraced the idea of how being “different” actually became their unstoppable superpower.)

This is just an overview. I’m just relaying what I got from the conversation from the podcast. I found it helpful and worth some exploration. Milly, my manager, and Freddy, my firefighter, and Evie, my exile, seem to appreciate the newfound attention and acknowledgment. (wink)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

*******And here’s a bonus, from my lighter, less intense part of myself (yes, she does exist). I have a new favorite to share! I found the owl version of this cup at a local store, and of course, I had to get myself more (a lot more). Go to this website, if you want to have a fun surprise in your everyday cup of coffee or tea. Creature Cups have built in “company”, and fun surprises lurking just below the surface of your drink. Here is where to buy:

https://creaturecups.com/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAzba9BhBhEiwA7glbagoV6IRPaucLZ2JWnCWt1IoxSwiV0-VnmFpYqLYw5E3FRb-8vV0cLxoC7jwQAvD_BwE

Find Your People

Happy Monday after the Super Bowl. I heard on the radio that this is the least productive day of the year. This is not surprising. I am only here being “productive” because I heard a song on one of our regional commercials, (Publix) during the Super Bowl that I had to look up. And now I MUST archive it here at the blog. I now have a new favorite band. Here is the song by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors:

Here are the lyrics:

You gotta find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
The kind you want to stay up with all night
You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel whole
That won’t leave your side when you lose control
The ones that don’t let you lose your soul

You gotta find your people
The ones that get the joke
Who understand what you’re saying before a word is spoke
You gotta find your people
That put the needle in the groove
When you’re together, you got nothing to prove
When you’re together, you got nothing to lose

In a world of strangers, you don’t know who to trust
All you see is danger, tryna find what you lost
You can’t go in alone, everybody needs help
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

You gotta find your people
That’ll call your bluff
Who’ll ride along when the road is rough
You gotta find your people
The ones that you feel equal
They pick you up and don’t put you down
Help you find your way in the lost and found

The ones that understand you
The ones that lend a hand to you
The ones that don’t demand anything from you

You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
That tell you the truth then wish you well
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

As I was researching this, I found out that this band has a lot of amazing songs with amazing lyrics. Listen to “Gratitude” and watch the lyrics. So good.

One of my favorite parts of life is the happy surprises and the least expected, unlikely discoveries that seem to come to you, just when you need them. I never dreamed that this year’s Super Bowl would help me to find a new favorite band. Score!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

(((California)))

I know that I have a few loyal California readers, and I want to let you know that my heart and prayers are with you, and all whom you love. These last six months or so, in the United States particularly, it has been beyond proven that we are no match for the elements. May you all be safe and serene and find glimmers of hope in this horrible situation. If you get a chance, please let us know that you are okay.

Yesterday, marked the first real day of the new year for me. It was the first time I had my house completely to myself in over a month. (and as an introvert who craves solitude, this was deeply delicious) I went straight into a nesting instinct on steroids, and I cleaned every linen on every single bed in the house. I had saved our bed for the last, and so, way past our bedtime, our mattress pad was still drying in the drier. Therefore, I made up a makeshift pile of blankets on our bed and I told my husband that we were “camping.” We officially started the new year, “camping” in our own bed.

I no longer write a regular Favorite Things Friday blog post, but I do want to recommend a couple of fun little gadgets. The first one is one that I bought for myself, for my birthday:

Solareye Bird Feeder with Camera – This bird feeder is a joy. I am spying on all of my hungry little feathered friends with a close-up view. I’ve only had it up for a few weeks, and I have already “collected” 12 different species of birds, all captured on video, for me to view whenever I need a smile. This feeder turns “birds-eye view” on its heels! The Carolina Chickadee has proven to be my most frequent visitor so far. This hungry little guy has shown up 32 times already.

Also, my eldest son and his fiancee’ got us an Aura Digital Frame for Christmas and it is amazing! It was super easy to set up (with their help, of course. They’re young!) The best part of this frame is that all of us in the family can download pictures to a shared Aura App any time that we desire, and then the pictures (and videos) pop up on our frame. It’s such a lovely surprise to see a new picture of loved ones that we weren’t expecting, to suddenly pop up. I have owned other digital frames before, but the Aura takes things to a new level. I highly recommend it.

Spend those Amazon gift cards that you got for Christmas, on something good, that will continually bring a smile to your face. You can’t go wrong with either of these gadgets. Please share your gadget recommendations in my Comments, too.

Shifting gears, this was the daily peace quote:

“We must look at our life without sentimentality, exaggeration or idealism. Does what we are choosing reflect what we most deeply value?“

– Jack Kornfield

If you aren’t sure what you deeply value, look at what you do, and what you choose, in your everyday life. That is what you are showing yourself, and the world, what you truly value. If you are feeling unhappy or unsettled, chances are, you aren’t living your true values. Take some time for self-awareness at this beginning of this new year. If you value love, health, family, friends, security, using your talents, truth, joy, travel, service, nature, knowledge, hope, peace, loyalty, beauty, kindness, progress, adventure, faith etc. are your actions reflecting these values?

Okay, before I close, here’s another big hug to my readers from the beautiful state of California! May the best of today, be the worst of tomorrow for all of us in 2025. Onwards and upwards . . . . It’s all going to be okay.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Holy Days

I like Christmas Eve best of the holidays because it tends to be the quietest time of the season. It is gray here today and typically, I don’t love gray days. Florida spoils everyone with its almost constant sunshine and so usually, I almost feel affronted when an occasional gray day appears, but today, I truly feel grateful for it. It is the closest thing that we’ll get to a snowy Christmas Eve. It is a quiet gray morning and it feels just right.

I read today that “holidays” really means “holy days.” We are currently experiencing a really spiritual time of the year. No matter what you celebrate or don’t celebrate, what religious/spiritual practices you do, or you do not partake in, there is a “holiness” about an ending of another year of our lives. Holiness means sacred. It means spiritually perfect and pure. There is a deep holiness to this time of slowing down and reflection and insight and reminders of all of the awe that comes from being alive. I read a quote this morning from the songwriter/poet, 77-year-old Patti Smith, that said something like, despite every negative thing that brings her down, going on around us, in the world and even in her own personal life, she still loves to be alive. She still loves to create. She still loves to do her work. If we are honest with ourselves, almost all of us, deeply cling to life. Maybe despite all of our grumblings, the truth is, most of us love to live.

I get really quiet at this time of year. I tend to go deeply inward. Sometimes this feels awkward and scary and I know that it puzzles those who are closest to me, and who also intimately know my wild, wacky, free-and-easy, cheerful loud sides. For me, these “holy days” are a time of absorption and sorting and processing everything (and all of the feels that come with that “everything”) which I have experienced in another whole year of my life. It is a time of deciding what I really need to part from, with all of the more accumulation of everything that occurred over another year of my life, and also what I need to hold on to, and to keep, as sacred. It is a personal system that requires stillness and awareness and vulnerability, and that is why I like the quietness of Christmas Eve.

I am wishing all of you the most lovely things in which these “holy days” have to offer. I am wishing for all of us the ability to surrender to what gifts this unique season has to offer to each of us – the kinds of unexpected gifts that may take quite some time to unwrap, and to ponder, and to assimilate into the new year. Happy Holy Days. May blessings abound.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Seven Things

This summarized list below is from an interview Kelly Corrigan had with Happy/Crappy author, Kate Bowler, and it is just too good not to keep the whole thing, in its quoted entirety, in the annals of my thought museum, Adulting – Second Half:

“1. The yeses we give too freely become the weights we carry unwillingly.

2. Mastering our emotions isn’t about feeling them less, it’s about moving through them faster.

3. No one will ever care about our tiny concerns the way our parents did.

4. Family disasters often become family folklore—and thank goodness for that.

5. Guard the hope of the young.

6. There is a world of difference between observing feelings and being consumed by them.

7. Purpose protects against loneliness.”

I’m sorry that I’ve been away from writing the blog for a while. Today is the first day that I don’t have something really time-consuming on the schedule to do, in a while. Today marks the first day of this holiday season in which I can focus entirely on our immediate family’s Christmas celebrations going forward. (hmmm, apparently I was giving away my “yeses” too freely . . . . see number 1. of the above list)

Number 2. of the list above is something that I was just reiterating to my husband when I told him that our youngest son would be going to his girlfriend’s parents for Christmas. Our Christmases are recently starting to go through rapid evolutions after years and years of same ol’/same ol’. Our four children are all adults. They all have serious significant others (whom we all, thankfully, like/love very much). We have to share our children. And we know this logically. And we support this with our values of wanting authentic relationships based on healthy mutual affection and not based on guilt trips and control. But still, those little pangs of nostalgia and sadness sometimes pop up. Our immature, kindergartner brat child persona doesn’t really like to have to share. At all. So, I told my husband, we must feel our feelings, notice them, and then let them move on through. It’s interesting to notice that when you don’t try to repress, deny, hastily react, or lay judgment on your feelings, how quickly they really do pass.

Number 3. of the list makes me smile because my husband, in particular, is really patient and empathetic when listening to any of our family’s litany of complaints about work, school, unfair policies, customer ‘service’ experiences, crappy products made in China, etc. etc. (I think that I lose patience with this tedium a little bit faster than he does, but I guarantee none of our kids would dare to bore anyone else with their “tiny concerns” that are safely left fallen on their loving parents’ burning ears)

Number 4. is so relatable. This Thanksgiving we experienced a trial in which right in the middle of preparing and cooking Thanksgiving dinner (a valiant group effort that involved our son’s new significant other, who is a dedicated, professional foodie), we realized that our brand new oven had broken. The turkey was getting lukewarm at best. We remedied the whole situation by trucking our half-made meal to a different kitchen to complete the process. At the time, I was frustrated (no, I was more like ragingly pissed), sad, embarrassed, flabbergasted, bummed, annoyed, shocked (etc. etc.) and so was the rest of the family, but we collected ourselves pretty quickly. We all remained calm and cool (on the outside anyway) and by the end of a delicious feast, we were already laughing about the situation which will probably remain in our family lore for a long, long time. (and yes, we got a new oven which was covered by its warranty – all’s well that ends well)

Number 5. on the list reminded me of my experience yesterday when my daughter and I spent the entire day at the Salvation Army helping people load their angel Christmas presents into their cars. Let me start from the beginning with this story: For many years my husband and I have bought presents for the children in our city, from adopting and shopping for children from various Christmas angel ornaments, plucked from a tree at his workplace. Me, in my typical “Curious Kelly” mode, started peppering my husband with questions: “I wonder how this works? Does our angel actually get the presents that we give them or do they spread them around? How many angels are there, do you think? . . . . .” He finally said to me, “Well, you could volunteer and find out.” Truth. It hits hard, but he was absolutely right. And so I write to you this morning, with a really, really sore body (many, many, many generous souls made for many, many, many heavy, heavy Santa bags) and with a bigger heart which grew three sizes yesterday. What could be more beautiful than being part of guarding “the hope of the young?” . . . Well, you could volunteer and find out.

Number 6. relates to Number 2. on the list. Feel your feels, but don’t wallow in them. Accept them. Hug them. But then wave them on their way! Don’t indulge. Every feel deserves its own time in the sun, and they all circle back, from time to time. Keep ’em flowing. (think of feeling your feelings, like a long chain of graduates shaking the principal’s hand. Let each feeling have its moment, and then move to the next feeling with your full, undivided attention. David Brooks says that we should “Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer. All or nothing.”)

Number 7. I think that purpose might be the most important thing that we can ever possess in our lives, but I also think that we complicate and we confuse the concept of “purpose” way, way too much. We tend to make it too “lofty” and unattainable. Purpose can be as simple as engaging in the gratitude of the miracles of nature that surround of us, every single day. As I grow older, I believe that my purpose now is to be the living embodiment and reassurance to those younger than me, that all is well. That they are going to be okay, no matter what. It is my purpose to live the idea that life is wonderful. Life is meant to be shared and savored and to be experienced in awe. My purpose is to be their comfort, that comes from my earned wisdom from living many years and many different stages of life. It’s not at all lonely to know that I can fulfill my purpose every single day, in everyday places like checkout lines, and traffic lights, and even at home. When I sit in peace and “wise-knowing” and joy, I add this magnanimous energy to the uplifting of this world, and then, those around me sense it and feel it. What could be more purposeful than adding peace and joy to the experience of our shared world?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Submittance

Yesterday was the first day this December that I truly felt “in the holiday spirit”. I don’t honestly fault myself for this slow start to experiencing the joy of it all. The truth is, I love my everyday life and my routines. I love spontaneity. Sometimes I feel like the holidays hijack all of my time and mindspace, and for that matter, even my living space, with bulky, red and green, glitter and glitz and a miles long to-do list. Sometimes I feel trapped into traditions and experiences that I really don’t want to partake in, but then I feel ashamed for not wanting to do them. And in all fairness, this shame is self inflicted. No one is forcing anything on me.

This year, I have met more people who are the very definition of Christmas elves, than I have encountered in a long time. I gave blood the other day, and the technician was a literally glowing with Christmas cheer. She told me that she sings Christmas carols all year long. She told me every creative position, every single night that she puts the Elf on the Shelf in, for her daughter, with pure unadulterated glee. A bank teller who waited on me the other day, recounted how she first found out the truth about Santa (and then lamented about how many poor children now find out about Santa from the internet which wasn’t around when she was a kid), but she never told her parents, because they all love Christmas more than anything in this world. The teller appeared to be in her thirties now and she was telling me all about the Christmas Hallmark special she couldn’t wait to get home to watch. The most obvious, vocal “Kamala Harris” supporter couple in our local neighborhood, has not let the election results get them down, even one bit. Every inch of their large house (and boat to boot) are covered in bright, cheerful lights.

I’ve been a little grumbly, honestly. I think that there for a little while, I was secretly chanting to myself with a sigh, “Okay, let’s just get this over with.” I never rained on the Christmas elves’ parades whom I have been encountering on a regular basis. That would not be cool. I can fake it ’til I make it with the best of them. But, I felt envious and curious at the same time. What makes someone so completely and utterly enthralled with this time of year? What makes someone wish that Christmas would last all year long?

Nonetheless, yesterday, I think that I quieted my inner protest and rebellion, and I surrendered to it all. My daughter and her boyfriend, hung all of our beloved ornaments on our tree, while listening to carols and my daughter recounted the backstories (trips, and events, and pets that have already crossed the rainbow bridge) that accompany each ornament. They enjoyed a sweet dinner with my husband and I, and we all finished dinner with trying and rating the latest jelly from our 2024 Bon Mamman advent calendar. Earlier in the day, I ran out to the road in my curlers to make sure that our recycling collection crew got their Christmas tips, and their smiles made my day.

That’s the true point of the season, right? Surrender. Surrender to the mystery of the bigger plan. Surrender to your faith. Surrender to the magic. Don’t try to make Christmas happen. Let it happen. Surrender to the season, and enjoy and delight in how it shows you its deepest depths of beauty and hope. Surrender to the whole myriad of feelings that Christmas brings to the table like an overwhelming feast, even the tough feelings. The feelings need to be processed – all of them. This season of the year compels us to slow down and to consider and to contemplate everything that we have experienced throughout the entire past year, and even throughout the past years of our lives. In a sense, this season unabashedly forces joy, and thankfulness, and the spirit of giving, on to us, even in the coldest and darkest time of the year. It is a time of year that cheerfully, yet determinedly reminds us of what means the most to us – the people and pets whom we love, our warm homes, our sustenance, our ancestry, our ability to give to others, our (sometimes cheesy) shared traditions, our faith in something bigger, and the reminder of what all there is to celebrate in our everyday lives. (Ironically, even grumbling about my everyday life being hijacked by Christmas, made me realize just how grateful I am for my daily life, and how I live it.)

I hope that I can spend the rest of this season in the spirit of surrender of what it wants to show me this year. It feels good to let the season happen with the idea that everything is unfolding as it should. If a poor carpenter and his pregnant wife from ancient times, were willing to listen to their higher angels, why shouldn’t I do the same? There is great peace in following the simple, silent guidance of a steady star of light, and waking up to what is being shown in the light.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fluidity

Everything is fluid. Even how you think about things is fluid. Especially how you think about things is fluid. We have started getting Christmas cards and a couple of them have come from people who were from a time when we lived in a whole different state. I have really fond memories of the people there. We were young families, literally raising our kids as a village. The neighborhood we lived in was mammoth. It was so big that it was essentially our neighborhood kids filling the entire elementary school. But yet, the neighborhood felt small, due to the wonderful circle of people we cavorted with there.

Many of our former inner circle there, like us, have left the neighborhood, for different neighborhoods (upsizing and downsizing) and like us, have even left for different states. We had to leave that neighborhood, and that state, back in 2011, for the necessity of greener pastures to support our large family quickly descending upon college age. So, leaving there, was truly bittersweet. We had poured our heart and souls into re-designing and adding on to the home where we lived there, with the faulty assumption that it would be the home that even our grandchildren would come to visit. And then, almost immediately after we finished the totally draining (both emotionally and financially) years long housing project, the Great Recession housing crash happened. We essentially had to give that home away for pennies on the dollar.

For many years, I had bitter feelings about that home. It had become a financial burden and albatross around our necks. It became “the thing” that made it hard to get “a fresh new start” in our new state. It was amazing that a creation that I had once had been so proud of, and had poured so much of my heart and creative vision into, had quickly turned into one of my biggest nightmares. It was a really humbling, shocking, disillusioning time in the lives of our family. And for years, only thoughts of anger and disbelief and frustration and regret, surrounded any ideas of our former home.

Today, out of curiosity, after receiving the cards that reminded me of our “former life”, I looked up our former home. It had been sold again in 2017 and the owners had added on even more beautiful updates. Interestingly, I noticed that all of my feelings of anger and disgust, had dissipated. I am back to feeling proud of “my former creation.” I am back to feeling deeply proud of the fingerprints, and the heartbeats, and the creative vision that we had for that home. I am mostly proud of the happy history and memories that we added to that place which we called home for a time in the life of our family. I am back to feeling only a full fondness for a lovely time in my life, and the lovely nest which we had created for our family at that time. And at the same time, I have no desire to go back. I am truly fulfilled at where I am in my life right now, and I see how all of the dots in my life have been connected and are being connected, as the picture of my life is being lived.

I have noticed this circling around of feelings and perspectives many times, about many people and situations, in my own life. I have also noticed this in the lives of others. Life has a way of softening the edges, after processing the hard stuff. How many people, having gone through vicious divorces, end up deeply hugging each other at their shared children’s major milestones? How many people have been able to find the gifts of lessons and silver linings, and forgiveness of self and others, in even the worst circumstances of their lives? Oprah Winfrey is credited with saying this: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

If you are going through a tough time in your life, give yourself the knowing that someday you will likely look at this situation with a different perspective. The worst, sharpest edges causing the gashes, and the bleeding, and the pain, will dull with time. The sharpest edges will stop being able to hurt you anymore. That’s the beauty of true forgiveness. It’s an acceptance of what is, and deciding to only take the “good stuff” from the situation. Forgiveness is finally stopping the continually gashing of yourself with the sharp edges, and allowing yourself to heal the wounds, so that when you come back to viewing the situation, you will see that the now dulled edges, can’t really hurt you anymore. You will find that with time and distance, the healing has created a strong (and sometimes scarred, but often stronger for the scarring) barrier to what was once a truly visceral, seemingly unending pain. Believe this. Stop poking at your pains and let them be. Allow the miracle of the change of perspective to appear when the timing is just right. Believe in impermanence and fluidity because they really are the only constants in life, besides the underlying Love that holds us all afloat.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Exquisitely Beautiful

This has been a deeply cathartic, restorative year for me and my immediate family. It has been what we needed. And I didn’t set out for it to be this kind of a year for us. Of course, everyone hopes that every year will be special, and peaceful, and joyful, and exciting and relieving, but that’s not how life works. We know this. Sometimes “cathartic and restorative” comes from all different circumstances, even if others looking in, might not see what we have been through, in that same comforting way. Life is personal. In hindsight (which is usually the clearest vision), I’m delighted with what me and my family were guided to do and to experience in 2024.

I always tell my family, “Let Life love you.” And what I mean by this is, “Surrender.” Surrender to the belief that there is a beautiful plan in place, even when you start mucking it up with your own worries, and your own need for control, and your resentments, and your mistakes, and your actions and your inactions. Life knows what you really need, and is guiding you along every step of the way. You are just going down the beautiful stream of your life, and while you might be getting caught up with what is going on in your own little, fiery red canoe, rowing against the tide furiously, in the meantime, the current of the stream is still guiding you down to exactly where you need to go. And every once in a while, when you get tired of your own foolishness and you take a beat, and you take some life-affirming breaths, and you remind yourself of this fact, your eyes and your heart will be suddenly clearly opened to the beautiful synchronicities that are happening in your own life, and in the lives of all others. You will fully understand that Life does love you. Life does love all of us. Life is love, and the rest is just the games and the tricks that we play on ourselves in our own fiery little red canoes. And the games are okay. They are creative. They are just part of being alive, and being daring enough to spend some time being human.

There is not a more poignant time in life than during big beginnings and big endings. That is why we have created so many major rituals around births, and deaths, marriages, and graduations. We need these rituals to help us to store and to process the “big feels” that come during these major opening and closing times in life. I don’t think there is a time when you ever feel more alive than during these turning points in life and even when they are hard times, they are so exquisitely beautiful. The stream of life is exquisitely beautiful.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Veterans, in Gratitude

In a time period in history, where “service to self” seems to be the common theme, it is an honor to pay our greatest respects to amazing people who give themselves to something bigger than themselves. Is there anything more brave, selfless, honorable than this? Veterans, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.