Tag: empty nest

Some People

How’s everyone doing out there? There is just so much going on right now. It’s a lot, and it’s been happening in steady succession, for a few years now. I just read this long thread on Twitter that started out with a shaming line of how disgusted the writer was with the idea that people are spending so much time on the Academy Awards fiasco, when there is so much pain happening in Ukraine and in other parts of the world. Some people gave the writer a big “Amen!” and some people reminded the writer that sometimes we need silly distractions from all the nightmares happening around us, which we cannot control. And do you know what? “Some people” were right.

Whatever you need to do right now that helps you to process your own living experience is okay. Just don’t assume that what works for you, is the right answer for someone else. If someone asks for our help and for our guidance, we can share what has helped us with our own experiences, and what has given us strength and hope during tough times. But we must also understand that we all have unique personalities and perspectives and coping mechanisms. This isn’t a “one size fits all” and when we try to make things a “one size fits all”, that’s usually when more trouble starts. This is when we get defensive with each other, and division ends up pulling us even further away from each other, with intolerance for others’ points of view and ways of going about living our own individual lives. In times of strife, we try to control everything outside of us, and that includes other people. It makes us feel better to feel like we are in control. But do you like the feeling of being controlled? No one does. A long time ago, a friend shared the Circle of Control, with our group of friends. It is a good one to go to often, as a reminder of the only things that we have total control over, and that is shown in the little green center. The rest of the chart we have a little influence over, and in the widest circle, we literally have no control. If we stick to focusing on what is in the green for ourselves, we will feel more “in control” and calm and peaceful, than when we try to control everything.

I think Groucho Marx said it best, “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” (kidding)

Have a great day, friends!! Stay in the green.

Neville Medhora on Twitter: "The "Circle Of Influence" concept. Circle of Control: Things you can fully control. Focus on these most. Circle of Influence: Things you can have an impact on but

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

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credit: @Ugandan_Marz (Twitter)

I rarely watch awards shows. They’re just not my thing. But my husband was watching a pre-recorded bike race (which is also not my thing) and my daughter convinced me that I should sit on the couch with her, and watch the Academy Awards last night. Wow. Just wow. And of course this moment shown above occurred soon after Regina Hall fondled a bunch of good-looking male Hollywood stars in a fake COVID probe skit. That’s when my 18-year-old daughter turned to me and said, “Wow, can you imagine if the roles were reversed and a guy presenter was fondling female stars?!?” Hollywood, I’ve got to hand it to you. You never cease to entertain. And you love to throw judgment out there, but clearly, you need to focus on cleaning up your own house, a little bit. I think that Denzel Washington came out with the best line of the night and it is a good reminder for all:

“Be careful. At your highest moment, that’s when the devil comes for you.”

Have a great week!!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Yesterday, I took my own advice and I searched “epilepsy” on my blog and I read some of what my son, myself and my family had gone through last fall. And I was utterly shocked to remember how differently I felt, than I do right now, with my son’s epilepsy stabilized and things going generally well for me and for my family. I have always preached to myself, and to my family and friends, and to you readers of the blog, that your life is the endless blue sky, and no matter how dark and torrential and scary and unrelenting they be, the storm clouds always, always pass. The human spirit is amazingly hopeful and resilient and irrepressible. Look at holocaust survivors. Look at wounded soldiers. Look at prisoners of war. Look at the survivors everywhere. We are all survivors of different storms and we shine. We look to the sun, and we reflect the hopeful sunshine. We shine through. Our peaceful, hopeful, sanguine feelings come back when the storm clouds finally pass on by.

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Today, I didn’t have a poem in my heart to write. So, in the spirit of the strong and the valiant and the hopeful, yet repressed people of the world, I thought that I would look up poems about sunflowers. There are hundreds of poems about sunflowers listed on Google. This one spoke to me. I recommend that you look up the one that speaks to you. Or better yet, write it.

Sunflower poem poetry love lovely things beautiful ocean waves tide beach simple | Sunflower poem, Love poems, Poems

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Epilepsy Awareness Day

MY FAMILY ~ MY LIFE ~ MY LOVES: March 2013 | Epilepsy facts, Epilepsy awareness month, Epilepsy awareness quotes

My regular readers know that our youngest son has epilepsy. Last fall, we were working on finding a combination of medications that would keep his seizures at bay, and yet have fewer side effects. (Epilepsy medications have a great amount of side effects. They are essentially medications that affect the brain and many other major organs in the body.) From July until Thanksgiving of last year, my son was averaging having at least one major seizure a week. I cannot begin to explain how awful and scary and painful this experience was for our son, and for our family. Luckily, we found a combination of three medications that are currently working to keep our son seizure-free. Some people never find medications that work. Some people with epilepsy suffer several seizures a day. It is a terrifying condition. My mind has often gone to the Ukrainians who have epilepsy and other major medical conditions, who have no access to their medications. It is so wrong that this is happening to them, on so many levels. I cannot even begin to fathom what they are going through.

If you search “epilepsy” on my blog you can read more about our story. If you are so inclined, please give a donation to the Epilepsy Foundation. This organization is the leader in funding research for hopefully one day finding a cure for this deadly condition.

Thank you for your continued love and prayers and concern for my son and for our family.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Favorite Gestures Friday

I was watching a video showing Supreme Court nominee, Ketanji Brown Jackson, being asked about how she would inspire children of our nation to reach the great heights that she has reached in her career and in her overall life. She choked up when she answered the senator’s question. Ketanji Brown Jackson made a point that sometimes it is the smallest gestures that make a huge difference in people’s lives. She relayed the story of being a black young lady from Miami, with a public school background, being at Harvard University for the first time, during her first semester freshman year. She was not used to the cold weather of Boston, nor the abundance of prep school kids who grew up with an entirely different background that she had, and she was terribly homesick. She was questioning whether she really belonged there. Jackson said that as she was walking dejectedly on the campus, an anonymous black woman came up to her, out of nowhere, looked her straight in the eye and said to her, “Persevere.” Obviously, she never forgot that moment. Ketanji Brown Jackson was relaying this very story about a stranger, as she was choked up with emotion, to a senator during the hearings to see if she will become the newest justice of The United States Supreme Court, and to be the first black woman ever to achieve this role.

Today, I don’t want to talk about favorite things like I usually do on Fridays. Physical things are great. They make life fun and interesting and creative and tactile and sensory. They evoke happy feelings when we are experiencing using and admiring the things that we love. There is nothing wrong with physical things, particularly our favorite things. But today, I pose this question. What are three of your favorite things that people have done for you that have left a lasting impression on you, and possibly even changed your life??

This morning my friend shared a text of a beautiful jar, created for her, by her daughter for her birthday. It is filled with little pieces of paper saying different things that she loves about her mother. It reminded me of my third grade teacher, who every week, would make a poster with one of us students’ individual names at the top. All week long, the other students would go up and write what was uniquely special and interesting about that particular student. At the end of the week, each student went home with their poster, filled with pride and happiness that their unique qualities were noticed and admired and appreciated. I never forgot that experience. I loved my poster and I was so happy for every “student of the week”, in anticipation of their feelings of joy and connectedness.

Sometimes it is the littlest gestures that mean the most. When my husband and I were first married, we were visiting people, and we ended up having a difficult, tumultuous, emotional time with these people. I was dejected as I got into the shower, anticipating an even more upsetting evening as we were all heading out to dinner. My husband had just showered before me, and as I reached for the soap, I saw that he had carved, “It’s okay. I love you,” into the soap. It is these small, kind gestures that make me fall in love with him again and again.

Use some time of this glorious Friday in your life, to reflect on all of the small but meaningful kindnesses bestowed on to you, and also reflect on kindnesses which you felt compelled to bestow on to others. This is love in action. What are some of your most favorite memories of kindness and inspiration and hope in your life? This will flood you with wonderful, hopeful feelings in this time, in the history of the world, which we so desperately need more of these feelings of lovingness to abound.

(And if you are so inclined, I would love if you, my readers, would share some of your stories about these kindnesses in my Comments section.)

Have a great weekend!!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Real Simple

Good morning, friends. If you didn’t get a chance to read Thursday’s blog post, “The Lifeboat” or even if you did, please go back and read my wonderful, and loyal reader Kelly’s response to that post. It is beautiful, poignant and real. And (the other) Kelly is truly an excellent writer.

This is a “Gorge Season” in my family. Every family has them. We have three birthdays in a matter of a couple of weeks, and usually Easter falls right in the mix, as well. Yesterday, for my daughter’s birthday, we started with an onslaught of doughnuts, went to a very generous Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and ended up with my daughter’s favorite chocolate volcano cake and ice cream right before bedtime. My husband mentioned more than once that he had the worst night’s sleep of his life, last night. And we are just out of the starting gate on this year’s early Gorge Season. It gets harder every year, as we age, but somehow we manage to go at our spring Gorge Season with great gusto.

Before my daughter’s best friend arrived to our home to join us for dinner last night, I was thumbing through “Real Simple” magazine (the March issue). I have subscribed to this magazine for years. It’s a good one. One of my favorite features is the Modern Manners advice column by Catherine Newman. If I had to summarize almost every answer that she gives to her readers about various issues that they are in a huff about, I would say it is something like this: “Take a chill pill. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Life is too short. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

In this issue, one person was upset with how her guests didn’t leave her borrowed RV the way she felt they “should have” done it. This is the finishing line of Catherine Newman’s answer to the reader: ” ‘Read my mind’ is an unrewarding approach to just about everything; if there are invisible strings attached, people tend to get tangled up in them.”

Another reader noticed some expensive antique silver decanter labels were missing after a few dinner parties she held for friends. She was concerned that they may have been stolen and she asked Newman if she should bring it up with her friends. Newman reminded her of the great possibility of finding the misplaced labels (this kind of thing has happened to me before, and then my high-and-mighty, outraged, suspicious mind immediately turns to shamed, chagrined mind. Has this happened to you? Not fun.) Newman’s finishing line to her answer to this reader: “Things are just things. Assume you lost them, and let them go.”

The final reader’s question was about her father constantly giving her unsolicited advice via articles that make her feel belittled and insulted. She wanted to know how to handle asking him to stop this behavior. A few of Newman’s final lines on this one were excellent: “You could also remind him that you’re on the same page. As my own son has said to me, ‘I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.’ ”

That one hit home with a little sting of “ouch”. Why do we parents have the tendency to forget that our adult children and our dearest friends and family, all likely share the same goals that we do? “I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.” And why do we all think we have the secret formula for everyone’s happiness and success??? In 2022, the self-improvement industry is projected to be worth around $13 billion dollars. If we all had the easy formula, there would be no 13 billion dollar industry to support. And further, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different. My extremely extroverted and social friend was telling me that with my soon-to-be empty nest right around the corner, I probably should start to join a lot of clubs, find some social events, and fill up my calendar with lots of stuff in order to stave off the loss of my regular routine. I know that she meant well, and that she was trying to take care of me with love, so I didn’t have the heart to say, “That sounds like pure hell to me.” Her idea of happiness and fulfillment, is my idea of hell.

What I like best about the overall theme of “Real Simple” magazine, and that includes Catherine Newman’s Modern Manners column, is that it reminds me not to overcomplicate things. It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it. The older that I get, real simple feels real good. Maybe being happy and successful comes down to just experiencing the experience. The older that I get, the more plausible this seems. It really could be as simple as that – experience the experience, and then let it all go.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The End of the Race

My amazing daughter turns eighteen today. This is a huge milestone for her, and it’s a big milestone for her father and I, as well. Today, all four of our children are legally adults. We have raised our big brood to adulthood.

Every single friend of mine, who is also a mother, has claimed not to fear death for herself, but more so, she fears the idea of not being there to raise her children. I have always shared that same sentiment. When we wrote our will, we had certain guardians in mind and we always knew that our kids would be there for each other, but selfishly, I wanted to raise my children. I wanted to be their biggest female influence, and I wanted their father to be their main male role model. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

So today, I thank God, with everything that I have, that I was able to complete this sometimes overwhelming task of bringing up four babies to their burgeoning adulthoods, along with the man whom I love. I thank God for this incredible experience of co-creating the entity which I most cherish in this world, our family. I certainly hope to have many more years to share in the expansion of our family as my adult children carry on their own journeys outward, into their own growing adventures, but today I am savoring the close of the childhood years. Today, before I get revved up for the new race soon to start (my empty nest phase), I am crossing the finish line, in glory. I am savoring the successful end of an incredible adventure – a race/adventure/run that I didn’t always feel prepared for, didn’t always run the strides I would have liked to, had a few stumbles along the way, but I always knew that the wind was at our back, giving us the stamina to keep on going. There were higher forces always helping us along the way. This I knew, and so I was always able to keep my breath and I was able to keep a steady pace forward, full on with my pack. Deep love has an energy that keeps you going, like no other force in this world can do. Today I am reveling in that love for a beautiful young woman whom I have always called the perfect exclamation point to our family. Today, I am savoring the overwhelming mix of feelings (pride/relief/happiness/wonder/excitement/melancholy/nostalgia/satisfaction) of finishing the longest, most fulfilling race of my life. Today I am grateful for finishing strong.

TOP 25 FINISH LINE QUOTES (of 129) | A-Z Quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Lifeboat

270 Abet ideas | inspirational quotes, me quotes, words

Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:

Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .

In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:

It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.

Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.

This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-an-addict-21927#toc-experiencing-consequences

All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.

When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.

****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

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credit: @CynicalMother, Twitter

That’ll wake your brain up on a Monday.

Yesterday, my husband and I had a late lunch at a lovely local farm market, designed for people to sit and stay for a while. There are front porch rockers, and a playground for the children, and a stage for local talent to provide enjoyable background music. There was a breeze in the air, children were playing and pretending to drive a stationary tractor, and dogs were calmly sitting at their people’s feet. People would bike up, park their bikes in the stand and grab a water and a handful of sunflower seeds before heading off on their biking adventures again. The overall scene was so peaceful and beautiful and calming and lovely. I thought to myself that this is all that anyone ever really wants and deserves. Everyone wants their untroubled, easy place under the sun to laugh, and to smile, and to be nourished. A place to drink in all the natural beauty and to admire it and to enjoy the company of others sharing the same appreciation of the goodness and the wholesomeness of life. And that’s why it hurts so bad when we read the hard stories in the news. We are heartbroken to hear that people are being robbed of their harmonious time in the sun. It’s just so senseless. The sun, and the earth, and the waters are natural, abundant, powerful nurturers and providers. They want to be utilized for their loving energy and not pointlessly scorched, and ruined, and bled on and wasted in pain.

Yesterday, in that beautiful moment of clarity, and of beauty and of harmony, I thought of so many other incredible places on this earth that I have visited and where I have felt that same kind of relaxing, soothing energy that I was so acutely experiencing and enjoying and soaking in. And I prayed that someday this would be the only kind of place everyone in this world will ever know. The very scene felt born out of our collective, peace-loving hearts. It was wonderful. It was real. And it should be available to all, all of the time. The sun, and the earth, and the skies and the waters eagerly agree.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The other day, a few members of my family and I were crowded around my phone, looking for a particular photo from a particular trip. As we were scrolling through my pictures, it became evident to all of us that almost half of my photo roll contained screenshots of words, and quotes, and excerpts from books and short poems. We all laughed. It was one of those moments that you get a true screenshot of your own self, and what truly moves you and captures your attention. Today, use this day to discover yourself. Scroll through your picture roll. Be a sleuth. Look at the clues. Open the doors. Look at the patterns. Feel what feels right. Feel what feels wrong, and change it. Fall in love with yourself. Make a point to see what those who know the real you, and who love the real you, love about you, and then, decide to heartily agree with them.

Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Here is my poem for the day:

“I wonder”

I wonder what this day would look like,

if half of it wasn’t crying in lament about the past,

All of the old stories and questions rehashed and rehashed.

I wonder what this day would look like,

if half of it wasn’t spent in worry about the times ahead,

filled with concern, and a queasy stomach consumed with dread.

I wonder what this day would look like,

If I just take it as it comes,

Deeply feeling every moment’s hums,

Moment by moment. Here. Gone. Here. Gone.

I wonder.