I’m sorry. I know this one is a little profane, but I just can’t stop giggling about it. Plus “b*tchbag” is a new one for me. And it just cracks me up. I think it’s a keeper (at least in my mind.)
Last night we had a family Facetime, and my daughter was chastising her three brothers for not being more active on their sibling text chat which she had recently created. I jumped in with heaps of guilt, which is what I think that my daughter was going for . . . . (We moms are good at that). I threw in the old “it’s not just women who are responsible for the tending to relationships.” I probably said that statement about three times in different pointed terms, watching my daughter nod, smugly. The boys first tried making jokes, then excuses, but soon all three of them just looked at me and my daughter with goofy grins.
This morning our family text chat was eerily quiet, despite me trying to get the flow going. I finally used a line from last night’s guilt pile: “It only takes two seconds to respond. . . . just saying” My daughter finally responded with “The sibling chat has been popping off this morning, no hate” So, mission accomplished. I guess. I might be joining the “sibling chat” soon.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
1839. Does your family have a secret recipe and, if so, what is it for?
“All is temporary. Any effort to acquire or cling to things will be tempered by this wisdom. Accept the fleeting nature of ownership and make room for happiness with the things, people and time you have.” – Holiday Mathis
“I know when I buy something, fashion needs to speak to me emotionally. I look for a shoe that represents my individuality and personal style.” – Libby, from Sam & Libby shoe company
This past weekend I found out that one of my favorite “little town” stores was going out of business. I felt a little gut-punched and soul-crushed to be honest. I think that my husband, who was with me as we happened upon their unexpected going-out-of-business sale, was concerned that I might burst out in tears, in front of the other shoppers, digging through the final, few 75% off cast-offs from the store. I didn’t wail, but I was definitely crying on the inside. This store was a plant store with a unique urban edge to it. I can look around my house and see several pots, plants and accoutrements that I had purchased there, usually on date nights, because the town that the store sits in, has wonderful, low-key restaurants right by the water. This store contained things you just didn’t find anywhere else. I never left there without purchasing something which made my heart sing a little, and as a magic bonus, the item was usually tied to a little romantic memory with my husband.
I’m with Libby. I buy my fashion pieces, my jewelry, things for my home, my cars, souvenirs from my trips, definitely my shoes, because they speak to me emotionally. I delight in individuality in myself, and in others. I adore getting a glimpse of someone’s soul and overall being by the way that they dress themselves, hold themselves, comfort themselves in their homes, adorn themselves . . . . I “worship” at the places and at the feet of people that aren’t afraid to put it all out there, and who fully own who they are, and who proudly show it, for the whole world to see. And this looks different on everyone. And yet it is all so incredibly beautiful.
We all know that the only constant is change. So savor everything. Take nothing for granted. Buy the damn shoes. Wear them proudly. Wear your emotions on your sleeves. Say thank you to everything and everyone who has made your life the unique and wonderful experience that it is. Thank you, sweet little plant store and the persons who created you. You changed lives by being fully you, and your sui generis spirit lives on in a lot of homes, and gardens all over. Your emotions have been spoken and they are lovely.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
+ From the stats, I see that yesterday’s blog post hit a nerve. It’s understandable. Relationships are often the hardest things for us to navigate in this world, including the relationship that we have with ourselves. I’ve often thought that it is best to simplify relationships, and whittle them down to just the relationship that you have between yourself and one other, versus in relation to a whole related group. In other words, even if you have eight brothers and sisters, consider yourself to be an only child. What would your relationship look like/what expectations would you put on yourself, with your parents, if you were an only child, with no relation or expectations as to what their relationships look like with your siblings? This is the same if you have multiple children, multiple friends who are part of a bigger friend group, relationships at work, etc. As we all have figured out by now, in this middle stage of our lives, we cannot control other people. But we can decide what we are willing to do, and how we are willing to be, in any given relationship that we are a part of, and we want to nurture. I’ve found that when I do this simplification and focus on myself and just one other, my relationships seem to flow better, and I am often pleasantly surprised by the ease. (I suppose accepting my lack of control of others, stepping up for my own needs, and letting go of my expectations, is what is the magic elixir of this equation, when I remember to use it.)
+ When deciding what to write about on any given day, I often refer to quotes and thoughts that resonated with me. I either jot them quickly on my calendar or I take pictures of them. Here are a few that “struck a nerve” with me lately:
“Something that we don’t talk nearly enough about is how we often feel worse while we’re healing because we were forced to feel nothing while we were enduring something traumatic.” – The Empowered Therapist
This is so true, isn’t it? This applies to all healing – physical, mental, spiritual, which sometimes happens all at once. When we are going through a trauma, we often get robotic and numb. Our feelings shut down, as we go through the motions of getting through the nightmare situation. It’s often shocking and annoying how terrible we feel after something traumatic happens, but processing everything is necessary. It is often more painful and traumatic to keep trying to tamp the experiences down. We must heal ourselves by feeling the feelings, both physical and emotional. The only way to heal and cleanse pain, is to process through it. Here’s another one that resonated with me:
“I swear the universe can be divided into two kinds of people:
I had to go through it, so you should too.
I had to go through it, so I’ll work to make sure you don’t.” @MonicaHesse
This is what I mean by my daily tagline. There is great satisfaction in being a number 2 kind of person. Watching people experiencing the same kind of pain that you’ve gone through does nothing but add more pain into this world. How many recovered addicts have helped themselves to continue to stay sober, by helping other addicts? How many people have done the hard work to get educated and stay motivated to stop generations of poverty in their family line? How many people have turned a horrible tragedy, such as losing a loved one to gun violence or to cancer, into their life mission to change things, so that others will not feel their same pain? If we all made it our goal to be Number 2s, just imagine how beautiful this world would be.
Along these lines here is another quote from a picture I took:
“u r so considerate”
thanks i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people -@jayhs1k
Remember, some of the nicest people whom you’ll ever meet in life, have a “fawn response” from trauma they have experienced. Do not take advantage of this fact. Be kind.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
788. How do you feel about redheads? (I adore them! My two eldest sons are “gingers.”)
Good morning. I’ve had the most restful, restorative, balancing weekend. My husband has off of work today, so we both slept in. When we finally woke up, after experiencing a weekend full of rain showers, we looked out of our windows to witness a marvelous, sunny day. The picture above is the top of our screened in porch. The rain drops are sitting on top and they are being kissed by the sunlight and so they are creating the most beautiful, rainbow-y, glittery cover you’d ever want to see. Nature never ceases to amaze me.
Yesterday, I read an interesting article. Sarah Sloat wrote an article for The Atlantic about “eldest-daughter syndrome”. Here are some quotes from the article:
“Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars. Trying to be everything for everyone is likely to lead to guilt when some obligations are inevitably unfulfilled.”
“Being an eldest daughter means frequently feeling like you’re not doing enough, like you’re struggling to maintain a veneer of control, like the entire household relies on your diligence.”
“At least, that’s what a contingent of oldest sisters has been saying online. Across social-media platforms, they’ve described the stress of feeling accountable for their family’s happiness, the pressure to succeed, and the impression that they aren’t being cared for in the way they care for others. Some are still teens; others have grown up and left home but still feel over-involved and overextended. As one viral tweet put it, “are u happy or are u the oldest sibling and also a girl”? People have even coined a term for this: “eldest-daughter syndrome.”
I’m the eldest daughter and I found the article to be relatable, but I’m not convinced that it is just an “eldest daughter” thing. I think that it is a daughter thing. I think that it is a woman thing. I’ve known many eldest daughters who didn’t fit the definition of “people pleasing kin-keeper.” They set out on their own, striving for adventure and independence much like their brothers. However, unlike their brothers, they were often shamed for their actions, or made to feel selfish or unnatural.
Last month, my daughter brought home some college friends to attend a local festival in our area that is somewhat akin to our city’s own Mardi Gras. She also included some dear high school friends who attend different universities. Her boyfriend, who is also a student at a different university than our daughter, was also in town to celebrate with his friends. And our youngest son lives downtown near to where the festivities would be, and so our daughter wanted to be sure to see him and celebrate with him as well. At the end of the night, when our daughter and her friends, who were staying with us, came home, they all looked exhausted but happily satiated . . . . except our daughter. She looked mostly exhausted. She had been so busy trying to coordinate everyone else’s great times that she felt depleted, frustrated and slightful resentful that no one seemed to notice the efforts that she had gone to for this event. I hugged her hard and I snidely said, “Welcome to womanhood.”
What woman has not felt any of the emotions above? What woman has not felt any guilt for not fulfilling traditional society’s definitions of nurturer, daughter, sister, mother, etc.? What woman has not felt some secret resentment that the men in her life are not subject to these same standards and expectations? What woman has never asked herself, “I’m happy that everyone is having a wonderful time, but who in the hell is taking care of me? Who really cares if I am doing alright?”
When we “give to get” that’s called codependence. When we get all of our self-worth from what we do for others, without keeping what we are doing for ourselves, as an equal part in that equation, that’s called martyrdom, and martyrdom has a way of going down a dark road to a desperate loss of our own individual identities. When we define ourselves only as somebody’s wife/daughter/mother/sister, etc. we find ourselves empty when we ask ourselves, “Yes, but who are you?”
How to heal this? It’s the same as being able to heal anything. It starts with self-awareness. It starts with asking hard questions and being able to feel the uncomfortable feelings that often come with the true answers. It’s being able to define for yourself what your roles mean in your life, and what you are willing to do in these roles, even if others don’t agree with your choices. It’s creating boundaries. It’s defining “self-care”, and what that means for you. It’s developing self-worth that isn’t reliant on other people’s judgments and values, but those of your own. It isn’t easy. Healing is never an easy process, but to live the fullness of life and our own individual purpose, healing is crucial.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
1446. What have you done that is out of character for you?
One of my friends commented on my post yesterday. My friend is one of those people who you can’t help but to instantly like (and her husband is the exact same way). I’ve never heard of anyone not liking her, or her husband. They are delightful. There is a saying that my grandmother used to say a lot when we were kids, “To know her, is to love her.” How wonderful to be one of those people in the world!
But getting back to business, today is poetry day on the blog. Since it is the week of Valentines Day, I am choosing to share a wonderful poem that Bob Marley wrote about love. (I consider my blog to be a curation of thought and of creativity, and it’s often not just my own thoughts and creativity. My blog is a collaboration with me, you, and many other interesting, past and present creators along the way. My blog is a thought museum, doused with a lot of emotional sauce and a bit of creative spice.) Bob Marley was a true master of the creative arts. Here is his poem:
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together
but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,
but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.
So don’t hurt her, don’t change her,
don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy,
let her know when she makes you mad,
and miss her when she’s not there.”
― Bob Marley
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
650. How many pairs of shoes do you own? (my answer is – A LOT. I own A LOT of shoes.)
These are drawings that Beatrix Potter (author of Peter Rabbit and other beloved children’s classic books) made of her dog, Kep. Kep was a rough collie which is the same breed of dog as the legendary “Lassie.” (interestingly the Lassie TV series featured nine different collies, and they were all male) My father and my aunts were raised with a collie named Irish, who became a legend in our family lore. Irish might as well have been one of the Lassie actors, because by many accounts, he saved all of their lives more than once, by coming out of nowhere and attacking rabid wild animals that were out to maim precious, innocent school children. Still, Irish was also gentle and intelligent enough to meet the kids at the bus stop every single day, in order to escort them home.
Admittedly, I only half believed the hero collie stories that my father loved to recount about Irish. I saw fuzzy video footage of Irish, playing around and wrestling with my grandfather, and he appeared to be a majestic, beautiful dog as most collies are, but he died long before I was born. I never met the real-life version of Irish.
Years ago, when our four children were still young, our beautiful family dog – a rare, fun-loving Irish Water Spaniel named Little Bit had died of old age, and I wanted to get a new family dog, but I didn’t want to raise a puppy, as I had my hands full with my busy, energetic little children. Therefore, I put an ad on Craigslist asking if anyone needed to rehome a dog, whose purpose would be a family dog for a boisterous young family of two parents and four little kids. A while ago, on the blog, as a memorial to her recent death, I wrote this same story about how Lacey, our first collie, came into our lives. Still, the story bears repeating (as most of our legendary pet stories do). A farm couple reached out to me about needing to rehome a collie named Lacey. When I drove hours and hours into the deep countryside, I found a nervous, edgy Lacey to be flea-bitten, missing hair on her back where donkeys had kicked her, and she was being kept in a rusted cage with chihuahuas. (Please don’t judge these people. They didn’t live much better than she did. They had hoped that Lacey would have herded the donkeys, instead of getting harmed by them, and they recognized that she needed a better place to live. They gave me one of the best gifts which I have ever received in my lifetime, and for that, I will be forever grateful to them.) At that time, however, I was not enchanted with Lacey. I didn’t think that she “fit the bill” for what we were looking for in a family dog, but I didn’t want to leave her there, in that dire state, either. I brought Lacey back with me, with the full intention of giving her to a collie rescue, but we all know how that goes. Looking back, I believe that I probably fell in love with Lacey on the ride back home. The rest is history (and now family lore and legend).
We currently have another collie named Josie and let me tell you, everything that you have ever read, watched or seen about collies is true. “Lassie” is a true story. Period. Collies are the perfect mix of the most gentle, even-keeled, observant, sweet, intelligent dogs, with a strong flare of “look out, I will come out from nowhere, and cut you if you mess with me or my family, and you won’t even see it coming”. Lacey and Josie, both, were/are the leaders of the pack (we’ve always had multiple dogs) and yet, they carry their leadership so subtly, you wouldn’t even know it. They truly temper when to strike. Visitors have always loved our collies the best, out of all of the various dogs we’ve shared our lives with. Why not? Collies are beautiful, regal, elegant, friendly and mostly obedient. (When Josie doesn’t want to do something, and I pull on her leash, she does the “collie nose slide”, where she ducks her head in such a way that the collar slides off of her neck and down from her long, pointy nose. She then sits there, looks at me knowingly, and allows me to slide the collar back on to her neck. She humors us by wearing a collar, but Josie has made her point. “Lady, I’m not interested in going where you want me to go. I’ll do it on my own volition. Now let’s carry on.”)
Yes, we do have tumbleweeds of fur floating around our house on a regular basis. Yes, we do have a fur kid who announces the Amazon guy, pesky squirrels, and Ralphie, our Labrador retriever jumping into the pool, with a loud, insistent, alarming bark that does get annoying at times. And yes, we do have a dog who has made it her duty to be as loyal, loving, and measuredly, observantly protective as any dog can ever be. When I realized recently, that Beatrix Potter, one of my favorite authors, was another lover of rough collies, it made my heart sing. Kep. Irish. Lassie. Lacey. Josie. . . . . nothing less than legendary.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
Happy Friday!!Happy National Girl Scout Cookie Weekend!! (it’s a real thing – look it up) Happy Favorite Things Friday!! On Fridays, I try to shut my brain off, and stay with enjoying the sensuous stuff in life. Life is meant to be experienced, right? Nowhere ever is it said that life is meant to be overthought. Today’s favorite of mine is a food. I realize that my Friday favorites have mostly been good things to eat lately. This is because this is what happens when you tell yourself that you should finally get serious about losing a few pounds. The Universe says, “Ha!! Have you tried this amazing delicacy?”
My wonderful aunt and uncle gave us a tin of the absolute best chocolate covered peanuts that I have eaten in my life. (and I have eaten A LOT of chocolate covered peanuts in my lifetime. Just call me “Mrs. Goodbar”) Hubs (Hubbard Peanut Company) offers these delectables and now, unfortunately, I have a new addiction. I have not tried any of their other offerings (yet), but I promise you, if you purchase their chocolate covered peanuts, the enormous tin won’t last you a week. Here is their website:
https://www.hubspeanuts.com/
Have a delicious weekend, friends. Savor it. Savor your life. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
“A life-changing thought exercise: If you were the main character of a TV show, what would you be rooting – screaming at the screen – for them to do next?” (@alicellemee, X)
Oooof. I came across this quote yesterday on X. What an interesting question! Emotional distance really makes it easier to be clear on next steps, doesn’t it? The other day I was perplexed by a decision I had to make, and one of my dear friends helped me through it, by asking a lot of questions related to the situation. They were really good questions to ponder and these questions helped to see more options and consequences than my reactive state was allowing me to see. She didn’t advise me nor shame me, she just helped me to see things through different lenses.
The question above allows for emotional distance. It’s so much easier to tell other people and to yell at characters on TV about what their next moves should be. I think that if I were watching myself on TV (Firstly, I would likely be a little bored. I ain’t no Daenerys Targaryen, by a longshot) I probably would not be sure what she should do next, but I might be screaming, “Do something!! Please! Let’s make it a little more interesting, shall we?!” Maybe that’s the answer, in order to make life a little more tantalizing, try something new, every single day. And if that “something new” becomes a passion, roll with it. Hard.
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”– Nelson Mandela
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
This is a Valentine for all of the people out there in the world who aren’t afraid to love fully. This is a Valentine for all of the people who robustly show, feel, and express their love for people, places, things, experiences, nature, hobbies – essentially, all of life, with the fullness of their whole, entire hearts. These people are the strongest, most whole people in the entire world. It takes vulnerability to love with everything you’ve got. Most people are too afraid to love at this level. And this is sad, because if we all took off all of the safety, protective equipment that we have chained all over our individual hearts, the world would move to a beautiful energy like we have never experienced before, in the history of life. For those of you who are brought to tears by the sheer awe of the beauty and miracles, happening all around us every single day, you are experiencing pure, uncontaminated love, and your beautiful love emanates all around you, and moves through everything, and touches the experiences of all of us. Remember, feeling love never hurts. Feeling love feels better than anything. It is lack of love that hurts. It is painful to hold in, and to shut down love. Unconditional love requires nothing in return. Yes, we can desire to be loved back. We can wish someone who has passed was still here in human form, to share our human form of love, but true, authentic love doesn’t require a pair. Love just is. Love is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, astonishment, reverence, wonder, enthrallment for who and what you are beholding in your every moment’s experiences. If you have given something or someone the gift of your fullest love, you have given them everything. Because the truth is, Love is everything. And like a persistent flower that pokes out of the most desolate pile of concrete in the world, love cannot be stopped. Why not chose to be fertilizer for love? You are loved.You ARE Love. Happy Valentine’s Day!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
+ This is for my friends and family, up north. I do miss seeing and experiencing the beauty and the serenity and the quiet of blankets of freshly fallen snow. Our eldest son lives up north. He just sent us a picture from his back balcony. There’s a large house behind his apartment building that is painted a bright Kelly green. It is a good reminder that there is always the green of new growth hidden under the blankets of stillness and solitude.
+ On X yesterday, the Wiseconnector posted this: “Someone said, ‘A lot of people struggle with sleep because sleep requires peace.’ ” I believe that peace is extremely helpful for sleep. Inner peace, or else utter exhaustion that finally leads to pure surrender, is what helps us to get a good night’s sleep. Perhaps this means that it is total surrender that is truly equal to peace?? Another quote that I read recently said this: “Accept the unacceptable and the unacceptable ceases to exist.”
+ On the eve of Valentine’s Day I got to thinking about the wonderful word of “our”. “Our” denotes the things that we share and enjoy with others. I have so many “ours” with my husband. Our marriage, our family, our friends, our home, our dogs, our vacations, our dinners, our shows, our memories . . . . . I have a lot of “ours” with a lot of different people in my life. Think of all of the “ours” you have in your own life. “Our” means that we share a common love, time, appreciation and experience with a lot of the same things, and a lot of the same people. At work, you have “our” workplace, “our” goals, “our” lunchroom. . . . . With your friends you have “our” other friends, “our” good times shared, “our” inside jokes. . . . With your pets you have “our” walk time, “our” cuddle time, “our” favorite spots to be together in the house . . . . Friends, we have this time together at “our” blog. You have made this blog “ours” by validating it with your presence, your consideration, your time, your kindness, and your thoughtful comments. I love you. I appreciate you. I am so happy that you are part of one of my own “ours.” Think of some of your other “ours.” We don’t live life in a vacuum. We are all interconnected. Even your community has “our” parks and “our” grocery stores and “our” schools and “our” firefighters . . . . No one is alone.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
1672. What still amazes you? (The first two things that popped into my head the minute I saw this question are dolphins and sunsets.)
