Tag: empty nest

Trust That

“Once an old woman at my church said the secret is that God loves us *exactly* the way we are *and* that he loves us too much to let us stay like this, and I’m just trying to trust that.” – Anne Lamott

Growing pains hurt. We are collectively going through a lot of growing pains these days. I remember clearly, one summer when I was a young teenager going through a lot of physical growing pains. I must have been having a major growth spurt. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to a total throbbing ache in my legs, night after night. The pain was so persistent and nagging, I thought that it would never go away. But of course, the pain did go away, once my growth spurt was over. The pain was intense enough that I remember having it, but it got resolved, naturally, once my body had grown into its adult proportions.

That’s how growing pains work. They are painful enough to remember, but not painful enough to do any real major harm. In fact, that ache is just a reminder that a real and major metamorphosis is happening. We will never forget the collective pain and angst that 2020 has brought to the world, but we will come out of the other side of it all, stronger and wiser and better than before. The important thing is to remember that God/Universe loved and supported us before 2020, God/Universe loves and supports us through 2020 and God/Universe will love us when we reach the other side of all of this tumult. The important thing to remember is that no matter how intense the pain is, it is temporary, and in the meantime, we are always being held in the hands of a Great Love. Always.

Lucky Spot

“Privilege is being born on third base. Ignorant privilege is thinking you are there because you hit a triple. Malicious privilege is complaining that those staring outside the ballpark aren’t waiting patiently enough.” – Glennon Doyle

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading is one of my most favorite activities in the world and one of the silver linings to this whole social distancing thing, is that it gives me an excuse to do a lot more reading. I honestly consider reading to be an enormous part of writing. You get a level of intimacy with writers that you wouldn’t get with the average Joe who you meet on the street. Writers and other artists give you deep intimacy, outside of your own intimate circles. Creatives share their fragile, bared souls with strangers.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a particularly political person. I really want this blog to mostly be a sharing of what it is like for me to be in this “cocoon” stage of life, in between Act I and Act II of my adulthood. Hopefully, by writing this blog, I selfishly bring some outpouring and validation for myself, which also hopefully, resonates with others. Still, there were a couple of interesting Comments yesterday about the George Floyd death and the implications that it has had on all of us in society, that makes me feel the need to touch on this subject a little bit more. I can’t ignore what is going on in our world, no matter how many times I quickly flip past the news, to numb out, on a silly “reality” show. The blog’s starting quote is from Glennon Doyle’s new book UNTAMED. (excellent read, by the way, and I must give a shout out to James Madison University in Virginia. Glennon and I share the same alma mater!!!)

I am white. I was raised in an upper middle class neighborhood in Pittsburgh, PA. My public high school had graduating class sizes of over 600 kids. In my graduating class, three of my fellow students were black. Interestingly, our principal was a black man. At James Madison University, I belonged to a large, popular sorority. One of my sorority sisters was black, in all of the four years that I belonged to my sorority. My husband and I have raised our four children in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Florida. We have always chosen suburban neighborhoods to live in, that had excellent public schools, frankly, because we didn’t want to pay for private school for four children. My kids’ experience with minorities in any of these schools, has been limited. This was not by design. This is not a fact which I am proud of. In fact, I often thought that my children’s limited contact with people different than us, was a major disservice to my children. Their schooling experience has been limited to white, suburban America. That is not representative of the real world. And yet, my kids will most likely be living and working and raising their own families with people who have come from all over the world, from every kind of experience which one can imagine. But if you haven’t been exposed to much different than yourself in your life, how well can you really empathize with other people’s viewpoints? How do you really know where other people are coming from, when your experiences have been very limited to “people just like you”?

What I am learning about myself, through this pain that our country is experiencing, is that I shouldn’t be so defensive about the label “racist.” I don’t hate anybody because of their background or the color of their skin. I know from every inch of my heart, how wrong that is, but it is also wrong to pretend that I understand other people’s feelings and experiences. It is wrong to assume that everyone comes from the same worldview I have, largely because my worldview has been created from my own limited experiences. Everyone has different experiences in life, and a lot of these experiences come from factors that are uncontrollable. None of us got to choose the color of our skin, our parents and siblings, the country we were born in, the financial status of our family of origin, the religion we were raised in (or not), our height, our genes etc. etc. Nobody gets to pick these things. Yet all of these factors have a whole to do with who we end up being as individuals. All of these factors have a whole lot to do with our perspectives of the world. All of these factors influence our views, our ideas, our morality, our emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves about our own lives and other people.

Now to be clear, it is not healthy to live a resigned life, feeling victim of all of the factors that you could not control. Each of us has an ability to better our own personal experiences with factors that we can control. We can control our own efforts, our own attitudes, our own perspectives, our own choices and our own actions. And that is what each of us must keep a focus on, the factors that we, individually, can control, with the idea that what we say and what we do and what we think, not only has a major impact on our own lives, but also on the lives of others. No matter what our race is, we must all own the power of what we can control, the personal viewpoints and choices which are helping to influence the overall creation of our own lives, our families’ lives, and the experiences of our communities, our countries and our world.

For me, I think that the labels that get thrown around a lot, like “racist”, “racism”, “privilege”, are such loaded, hateful words that it puts me in a defensive mode. And when I’m feeling defensive, I’m not open. My ears are shut down to other viewpoints because I’m feeling shame that feels unfair and unjustified. I have a good heart. I know that and I know that most people in the world have good hearts, too. I have decided to use this horribly sad time in our history to stay open and to try to learn. I am trying to move past the labels to a deeper understanding. Defensiveness keeps me closed and limited. Understanding and connection comes from an open heart. I hope that soon after the raging anger and hurt, which we all have been experiencing, dissipates, all of us can come together with open hearts and elevate our united experience together, so that all our descendants don’t have to deal with the rehashing of these same problems over and over, again. These societal problems can be solved. We have that power. And if we truly open our hearts to new ideas, and perspectives, and a unified vision of a more peaceful, beautiful world for all of us, we will be shown the path to make it so.

Hard to Hate

“No matter who the threat is, no matter what the threat is, you look them in the eye so that they know you’re human.” (a Black Lives Matter demonstrator in Whitefish, Montana, who stood up to an angry man who was inches away from her face, talking about the advice her late father had given to her)

“There is no law that we can pass that will change an individual’s heart. We must create spaces for open communication between law enforcement officials and the communities they serve. These serious conversations will lead us to better outcomes. It’s hard to hate up close!” – Senator Tim Scott, South Carolina

dont be racist pin, anti-racism pin, anti-racist button, black lives matter pin, BLM pin, feminist pin, protest pin, gifts for feminists

In a tensely angry moment, I purchased the above pin. The purchase came after a day of running errands with my daughter, last week. As we all know, last week was very tumultuous and emotionally charged. My purchase came from a moment of helplessness at my very core, where I wanted to hug every person of color whom I came in contact with, in order to show that I truly care about George Floyd’s needless death. I wanted to show that in my deepest humanity, I felt sick and sad and scared and yet even hopeful about the whole situation, but in reality, I also felt entirely uncomfortable, too. I didn’t know what to say to anybody, and I felt very ill at ease and anxious to get home. I remained silent and awkward in every store, although I did try to convey my heart, through my eyes, the only part of my face that was showing, above my mask. In the car, my daughter mentioned that she had felt the same level of agitation and helplessness that I had felt. We both noticed the races of the other people who we had come in contact with, more than we ever had before. It was a strange awakening. So, in my anger and in my sadness, and in a mix of shame and righteousness, I purchased the above pin.

I proudly showed my new piece of attire to my sons. They winced. “Wow” and “Okay” is all that they said. I was surprised by their reaction. In my emotional moment, I honestly thought that I would probably get some “cool mom points” for my purchase. I imagined that by me wearing that pin – me, a middle-aged, well-heeled white woman, with nice clothes, a designer handbag and coming out of a snazzy car, would be making a statement, everywhere I went, without having to say one word.

But then I calmed down. That choice didn’t seem particularly brave. It seemed sort of defensive and it lacked self reflection. It pushed the problems of society away from me.

In my settled-down self awareness, I decided that no child, no matter what the color of their skin, needed to see me adorned with “the f-word”, no matter how many pretty flowers were surrounding it. Instead, I started researching racism on-line. I downloaded the book How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi. I am currently reading this book, slowly and carefully, watching for any signs of defensiveness I may have, that could cloud the open mind, which I have always prided myself for having. I am currently scouring my own beliefs, and the hidden, subconscious aspects of my own character that do not, in any way, reflect what I want for me, and for my family and friends, for my country and for humanity.

I don’t wear the pin that I purchased. Instead, the above pictured pin, has a rightful place on my cork board next to my desk, where I keep pictures of my family, our dogs, trips that we have been on, and other images that are inspirational to me. The pin still serves as an excellent reminder . . . . a lovely, forceful reminder to me.

What a Trip!

I’ve neglected to mention that we have added a new member to our immediate family. During these unusually tough times, we’ve enjoyed such comfort and distraction and amusement from our current fur babies, Ralph, our Labrador retriever, and Josie, our rough collie, that we decided we needed another fur friend, to make our family complete. Well, I should say, the kids and I, decided that getting a new puppy would be a wonderful, uplifting experience, while having to remain so “holed up.” My husband was a very reluctant member of the puppy band wagon. Nonetheless, knowing me and loving me for decades now, my husband knows that I love “a lot” of my favorite things. We have four kids, and we have always had a menagerie to go along with the quartet of kids. So with my husband’s grudging blessing, about two weeks ago, we brought “Trip” (as in “third dog”, or in the spirit of this year of the 2020 quarantine, “instead of a . . .”) into our home and into our hearts. Trip lives up to his name. This little Boykin spaniel is quite the Trip! And as what always happens, with all of our dogs, Trip is quite besotted with my husband, which is something that Trip and I totally share.

The Wisdom of Charlie

My two youngest children were watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the other night. We’ve all seen this movie several times, but out of inertia and boredom and a little weariness of trying to find something else to do, I plopped down on the couch, to watch the film with them, yet again. This particular scene (shown below) with Jennifer Grey and Charlie Sheen really got to me during this particular viewing. I was honestly riveted, in a self awareness moment. It’s amazing that with any good creative work, whether it be a movie, a book, or a piece of art, you glean something new from it, every time you experience it. I have to admit, it kind of bothered me to realize that I was getting schooled in wisdom, from Charlie Sheen (who in the movie, kind of prophetically plays the younger version of his future self), but truthfully, my experience in life has shown me that our greatest wisdom often comes from the most unlikely of sources. Maybe the Universe designed it that way, so that the lesson would remain fresh in our minds, due to the unusual circumstances and irony of it all. Charlie’s wisdom that he imparts to Jennifer Grey’s character in Ferris Bueller, really applies to how I have been feeling lately. The crazier the world is acting and reacting in relation to all our united upheaval lately, has gotten me more and more into my “control freak” mode. I seem to only feel safe and secure when everyone sees things exactly how I see them. I have wasted too much of my precious time, lately, lamenting and groaning, when others don’t see things and do things “my way.” And who does that really hurt? As Charlie says, the problem is with me.

Restoration

How many of us are getting a little “burnt out”? I want this blog to be a place of positivism and respite, as it is one of my precious creations. I want it to be a healing, soothing place. This blog has been formed out the deepest, most loving, most connected, part of myself. But, I also want it to be “real.” I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends, family and acquaintances, and most definitely myself included, are getting a little frayed around the edges these days, even the ones of us, who have had the privilege of getting haircuts again. Some of us are developing signs of stress in our bodies with rashes, infections, mysterious aches and pains, and sleep issues. Some of us, are just a little more tired and edgy and cranky and sad. This morning, I saw that even one of my favorite astrologers, a strong woman who often seems to be spiritually “other-worldly”, has decided to take a month off from writing her weekly column, a publication which she has been writing endlessly, for over 50 years.

We’ve all had quite a bit of stress in the last few months, individually and collectively. It’s a lot to take in. It’s okay to say, “I need a rest. I need a break. I need to recharge.”

When your thoughts come into your head, notice them, but say, “Hey guys, I’m going to let you pass through without giving you any more energy or contemplation. My mind needs a break. I’m a little depleted.”

When your emotions come in, by way of waves, storms, fire pits, tornadoes, volcanoes or just a sprinkling of constant rain, feel the feels, but then say, “Hey guys, I’m going let you pass through without giving you any more energy or contemplation. My heart needs a break. I’m a little depleted.”

When your body starts whispering to you or screaming to you, giving you signs that your body is carrying your unacknowledged stress, don’t push your body. Nurture it. Nurture your body with rest, with wholesome nutrition, and with exercise that is reviving, not punishing. Say to yourself, “Body, I respect you. You are the vehicle that helps me to experience my life. I understand that you need a break. You are a little depleted.”

Today, let’s give ourselves a chance to rest and to recharge. Let’s not create artificial deadlines that tax our minds, and hurt our bodies and dampen our spirits. We humans are sensitive, sensual beings. Our senses have been barraged these last few months. It’s been an overload for most of us.

Today is a good day to “just be.” Imagine yourself plugged into your Source, the entire day, for charging. That’s all you have to do. Go about your life quietly, today, and keep the cord plugged in. Un-kink the hose, so that the Source energy can flow through you, and heal you. Follow your impulses that feel right and kind, from the deepest, most peaceful, most loving part of yourself. Follow your intuition about the self-care that you need today. If you get quiet, aware and honest with yourself, your current needs will become abundantly apparent to you. Give yourself the gift of honoring those needs. Bathe and exhilarate in your innate ability to restore, refresh and renew, yourself.

30 Self-Care Quotes That Inspire Us - Take Care of Yourself Quotes

In Support

I do not condone the violence, destruction and the looting that has accompanied the protests this week. However, I absolutely support the cause of stopping the undue violence that has been perpetuated on the black community in America by the police. Therefore, this is my peaceful stand. See you tomorrow. I share my prayers for peace for all, and a loving, fair solution to this sad state of affairs, without further escalation of pain for anyone.

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Soul Sunday

It is poetry workshop day, here at Adulting – Second Half. Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. I was thrilled with the successful launch of the space shuttle! Such a nerve-wracking yet exciting, prideful event to watch! Still, my heart felt very heavy with all of the pain our country is going through with these horrible, unjustified killings. I wrote today’s poem, yesterday, from a very emotional place. Please fill my Comments with your poems. It is great release.

For the Love of our Sons

To my sisters who are “mamas” of big, strong, handsome, young black men,

We share the “mama” part, we mamas of sons, but your burdens are greater than mine.

You and I worry about our boys’ health, and opportunities and decisions and loves,

But you also worry that the people who are supposed to protect our boys, might instead

Destroy them.

You have to teach your boys a lesson, I would never even conceive of,

You must teach your sons that they are often considered guilty suspects by their very appearance, and you must teach your sons to be wary of the people who I have casually taught my sons to mostly trust.

Dear mama, my sister in motherhood, my heart aches for you. Being a mother is such a vulnerable position to be in, from the minute we feel our babies growing inside of us,

we love them intensely . . . with everything we have.

You and I are no different in that regard. I know this with my whole, bare heart. Your heart beats for your children, as my heart beats for mine. Do our unveiled hearts look very much the same? I imagine that they do. Love is love.

A mother’s heart brims with Love. An overflowing Love is what a mother’s heart is made of.

But I have less worry, less burden than which you must carry with you every day.

You hold yourself with such dignity and pride and strength and a serene knowing-ness, which I so admire,

Yet I know that I could probably never, ever replicate your beautiful countenance.

Mostly because I’ve never had to try.

You must need that beautiful, intense, impenetrable armor of yours, to shield your heart. But honestly, how much distress can a heart hold before it breaks and shatters and bursts, the lovely, steely container that holds it?

I don’t carry your burdens. I understand that. I know that neither of us should have to carry anything. Our hearts should be light of load, as we carry out the request of the Universe, to nurture our precious sons into manhood.

I don’t carry your burdens. I can never fully understand. I won’t disrespect you, by pretending I know how you feel.

But I can offer you my heart and my hand and my arms to rest in. I can offer you my prayers. I can offer you my careful consideration in all of the choices that I make and the lessons I impart, which help to form this Life which we are all living in. Together.

We are co-creating this world together, all of us, and I want all of our sons to experience the complete fullness that their lives have to offer. This is what uplifts the world. When your son benefits, so does mine. When your heart is light, so is mine.

When your daughters have baby sons, I want your daughters to feel as nonchalant as I do, when teaching her boys about authority figures. I want that lesson to be a minor footnote and not of much concern. I want the beautiful wonderment of life to be the focus of her teachings. Mamas shouldn’t have to teach fear and defensiveness and undue submissiveness to their beloved children.

This outpouring is my long way of saying, please don’t think that I don’t care. I do care. I care very much. I want this sadness, despair and anger and travesty to end. I want this racism to be over now. I want all of our children to experience a life free of racism. I want racism to be thing of dusty history books, an account that is so shocking to our grandchildren, that they can barely comprehend how these injustices existed.

Dear sister in motherhood,

Tell me what I can do to help unload the burden of your pain.

Sincerely signed, a mama of big, strong, handsome, young white men

The Swimmer

My friend’s minister sends a daily text of encouragement to whomever wants to receive them. I got great comfort from today’s text:

Whenever we hear that things will happen “in time” we often feel that they will take “a long time.” Be encouraged: “the right time” can be sooner than we think.

I’ve noticed in myself and in others, the waves of patience, impatience, fear, uncertainty, hope, peace, calm, anger, wonder, bewilderment, resignation, excitement, boredom, rebirth . . . . . it’s all a lot, isn’t it? It’s okay to feel wonderful one day, and worried as hell, the next. That’s just part of being human. The text from the minister today reminded me of the parable of the guy who was swimming across the English channel. He was exhausted, breathing heavy and all he could see was the heavy line of clouds and fog over the water, the grayness that seemed endless. He started to think that his pain and his exhaustion would be never-ending, and that his adventure was pointless. He was all set to give up, but as he was slowing down his strokes, getting ready to signal for the boat to pick him up and to end his hard-trained for goal, the sun came up and the fog lifted and it turns out that the shore was only a few feet away. The swimmer realized that he almost gave up on his determined, meaningful journey, right before his moment of glory.

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