Tag: boundaries

Boundaries 101

Boundaries got brought up in a recent discussion with friends. “Boundaries” is a hot word/hot topic these days, but there is often a lot of confusion around what boundaries are, what they mean, and also how to enforce them, and also how to respect others’ boundaries. I didn’t get completely clear on my own boundaries, around a lot of things, until I was middle-aged. I think this is the case for a lot of people, particularly women. We are conditioned to be the “pleasers”, the soothers, the facilitators, the mediators, the givers. So, with all of that conditioning, creating boundaries seems “mean” to us, and impossible to erect.

What is a boundary? A boundary is a rule that you make for yourself about what you will and will not accept in your life. People often get confused that boundaries are about making strict rules for other people to follow, for their own comfort. For example, “You will not yell at me.” “You will eat all of your vegetables.” “You will not call me after 8 pm.”, etc. Those rules are fine, but people are people. People don’t always follow rules. It’s hard enough to control our own selves, let alone trying to control others. Instead of stating your boundaries as rules for other people to follow, you restate your boundaries as what you will and will not accept, in your own life’s experience. So, the above statements, stated not as rules, but as boundaries become: “I will not allow myself to be yelled at by anyone. I will physically leave any situation where I am being yelled at . . . ” “If you are my child, I expect you to eat all of your vegetables, and if you don’t, here are the consequences . . . .” “I will not accept calls after 8 pm and I will mute my phone.” (Notice the difference. Boundaries start with “I” statements. Rules start with “You”.)

Boundaries aren’t just with other people. You can have boundaries around food. “I don’t eat meat.” “I don’t eat dairy.” “I only eat desserts on special occasions.” You can have boundaries around everything that you do: what and how much you drink, how much TV/social media you consume, how and how much you exercise, what kinds of movies you will watch, how late you work, what time you go to bed regularly, etc. etc. Again, boundaries are rules that you that you make for yourself about what you will accept in your own life and what you will not accept in your own life.

On top of making your rules for yourself, you also get to decide to change these rules if you like. And you also get to decide how rigid or permeable your boundaries are in every facet of your life. All of this is in your control. It is your right (and one might argue, your necessity) as a living, breathing human being, to create and to enforce your boundaries. Sounds simple, right? Then why is it seemingly so hard for people to create and to enforce boundaries?

Simply put, we have a need to be liked and accepted. We have a need to be understood. We have been conditioned to be “polite and congenial.” We fear being perceived as “mean” or “selfish.” We fear losing people and relationships if we erect boundaries. We dread conflict. And thus, people who do not respect boundaries, will run roughshod all over our boundaries. We give our power away to people who don’t want us to have boundaries. These people will test us and manipulate us to change our boundaries, and unless we enforce them, our boundaries are decidedly pointless. We all dread this process, but it’s a good process. Once you get good at protecting and enforcing your own boundaries, you earn self-respect. You learn to trust yourself. You become your own best friend. Your need to be liked and agreed with, becomes a lot less important than your desire to be respected. If you lose someone because you protected your own boundaries, is this a person that is healthy to have in your life, anyway?

A big mistake a lot of us do when stating our boundaries is that we JADE. JADE is an acronym for justify, argue, defend and explain. Our boundaries are what is right for us. When we start JADE-ing, we weaken our boundaries. We are needing others to agree with our boundaries, in order to enforce them. No one on this Earth is going to like and agree with all of the boundaries that we make for ourselves. Let’s be honest, you don’t like or understand a lot of other people’s boundaries, and that’s okay. You don’t have to like other people’s boundaries, but you do have to respect them, because if a person is good at protecting their own boundaries, you will suffer consequences for crossing their boundaries. “This is what is right for me.” “This is what works for me.” “This is what I have to ability to offer at this time.” This is all the JADE-ing anyone of us ever has to state about our own boundaries. You came up with your boundaries for a good reason for yourself. (You already did a lot of JADE-ing with yourself, in order to decide your boundary in the first place. Trust that fact. No one knows what it is you need, and what is best for you, more than you. No one.) When you JADE, you start showing weakness in the belief of your own needs and protecting your own needs, and the people who don’t like your boundaries, will try to chip away at them, by arguing with you and employing tactics like guilt-trips and persuasion. Don’t open the door to this with JADE-ing in the first place.

The best thing you will ever do for yourself and your boundaries is to lose the need to be liked. If you respect and honor and protect your own boundaries, you will like yourself a lot. You will attract healthy people into your life, who respect your boundaries and respect their own boundaries. (People who have healthy boundaries, are trustworthy, direct and upfront, and are usually good about respecting other people’s boundaries.) You will trust yourself with your own boundaries, and thus you won’t feel as fearful or untrusting of others, because ultimately you know that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself, in a predictable, reliable, nurturing, protective manner. If you are consistent with your boundaries, you may not be liked by some (who would rather you didn’t have any boundaries, for their own sakes), but instead, you will be admired by many. By practicing the protection of your own boundaries, you will become stronger and calmer than you ever knew was possible. There is no better feeling than being able to love and trust yourself. When you get to this level of self-respect, you get really picky about who gets access to you anyway. The need to be “liked” by everybody falls way down the ladder, naturally.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2426. Have you ever bought anything after an infomercial? If so, what?

Monday-Funday

Yesterday, Holiday Mathis wrote about the fact that when you enter into relationships with people, these people don’t come “a la carte”. People are “package deals” with the people they have relationships with, as well. It’s like the old saying, “You don’t just marry the person. You marry the family, too.” I’ve never bought completely into that adage. I think you less marry “the family” but more so, you marry into your person’s relationship to their family and friends, and also your person’s chosen boundaries with said family and friends. So, for instance, you could like someone’s family and friends very much, but not want to spend every weekend with these people. And if your person wants to spend every weekend with these family members and friends, that’s where the conflict lies.

Along this same note, there’s a good expression that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are the same person. If someone has really toxic traits that are mean or abusive or destructive, all the flowers and charm and sweet traits and talents, do not cancel out their abusive behaviors. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are a package deal. Don’t delude yourself with an abusive person, by saying that the “Mr. Hyde parts of him or her, aren’t really them. Dr. Jekyll is the ‘real’ person.” Unfortunately, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is a package deal – one and the same.

“All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil: and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2410. What is your favorite sandwich?

Monday – Funday

credit, @woofknight, X

Only one April’s Fools day did I play a joke on the blog, and then I felt bad for at least five days after that (and maybe even more because I am still writing about it). So this year, no jokes. Happy April! Happy full swing of spring! Happy start to the 2nd quarter of the year!!

“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” – Rita Mae Brown

I’ve been mulling around the concept of radical acceptance for a while now. Before you can make any meaningful changes in your life, you must come to a radical acceptance as to how things exactly are, right in this moment. You accept the reality of where you are, in this moment, and everything that comes with this moment – the emotions, the implications, the situations and the people whom you cannot change, and you come to a peace with these elements. You can also come to a radical acceptance of your past – events that have happened, good relationships and bad relationships throughout the years, the fairness and unfairness of life, etc. In short, with radical acceptance, you don’t mull over the unfairness of what could have happened, or the unfairness of what is. When you just utilize “regular acceptance”, this implies resignation and almost agreeing with “giving up” and this is why we often resist acceptance. Regular acceptance feels hopeless and dejected. Radical acceptance faces truth head on, with the idea of looking at your options going forward, with a practical lens. Radical acceptance allows you to clearly feel and to process your feelings about a situation, but then to move forward and to make decisions for your best interests, based on reality. Radical acceptance gives you power.

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to avoid radical acceptance of people and of situations because we don’t want to face things as they are . . . .we wish that things were different. We hang on to hopes that we can change a person, or change a situation, or change what has happened in the past, but these things are impossible. When we avoid radical acceptance, we live in a constant limbo and we dance with the same cycles of disappointment, again and again. When we avoid radical acceptance, we play a part in our own suffering. As hurtful as it can be, to face the pain of “what is” head on, is what will ultimately gives us relief and direction. Radical acceptance stops the ongoing suffering. It allows us to make boundaries and to change our mindset, instead of staying stuck in the mire of frustration and despair.

I’ve put the circle of control on this blog several times, but it bears repeating. When we allow ourselves to experience radical acceptance, we fully understand and accept what is in our control and what is not in our control.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1011. Name the biggest risk you have ever taken.

Blip or More?

I read a really good tip offered up by the author and psychologist, Ramani Durvasula. She said that when she was in graduate school for psychology, they learned a really good tip for figuring out how to decide your own discernment about people, places and things. Say you meet a new person, or you visit a new store or restaurant, or you try a new product, and something less than savory happens. (nothing over-the top, or clearly dangerous or toxic – when this occurs, these things should be considered to be “one and done”) The first time this unpleasant experience occurs you can consider this experience to possibly be just a “blip.” Everyone has their bad days. The second time you experience this same type of occurence, it could be a “coincidence” but your ears should be perked. Your spidey senses should be tingling. The third time you experience this same type of frustration with the same person, place or thing, you are witnessing a “pattern” , and this pattern should become your expectation of this person, place or thing, going forward. You can then decide whether you really want this pattern to be part of your own experience and what kind of boundaries you can put around this pattern. In short, the first mishap is a blip, the second same mishap could be a coincidence, and finally, the third mishap is a PATTERN. This discernment tip gives you one extra bonus chance from the often stated, Randall Terry quote: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

711. How impulsive are you and what are you most impulsive with?

Monday – Funday

credit: @wiseconnector, X

I think that a big part of this statement is that as you get older, your good people picker is better honed. And your BS meter is highly tuned. You understand that time is more limited than you ever realized and so that time is best served in the realm of goodness. And fortunately good people are everywhere. You can surround yourself with some really good gems!

If you are still doing some weeding out for what exactly constitutes “good for your soul” in your overall life, spend some time on what standards you have for yourself in all facets of your life. (standards = your boundaries) Today is the new moon. We are getting really close to the new year, and we aren’t quite overwhelmed with the holiday-hoopla yet, so we have some time for some deep, truthful contemplation. Use this time to think about keeping your standards, versus disappointing yourself with unrealized expectations.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Be An Outsider

“Boundaries aren’t only for what people do to you, what about what you do to yourself? What about behaviors you have that keep harming you, what about habits that destroy your mental health and well-being? Sometimes it’s you that you gotta stop. Remember to place self-boundaries. That includes stopping yourself from going back to who keeps hurting you. Place limits with yourself.” – @SayItValencia, Twitter

This quote is a good one. The topic of boundaries is an important one to explore, and to revisit during the holiday season. Boundaries aren’t about controlling what other people do. Boundaries are putting limits on what is acceptable to you, and what you are exposed to, at any given time. As it is said, “Boundaries say ‘no.’ Standards say ‘yes.’ ”

The holidays tend to be a time of excess: excess of emotion, excess of stuff, excess of nostalgia, excess of invitations, excess of eating and drinking, excess of expectations, excess noise and commotion, excess of spending, excess of lights, excess of sensations. Sometimes you need to be William, that guy from my favorite commercial of the season. It’s L.L. Bean’s “Be An Outsider” advertisement, where William takes a break from all of the holiday hubbub and walks outside, into the cool crisp air, walking on the snow with his dog, and he gazes at the natural, beautiful, cleansing light of the moon. William ends the commercial with “And this is everything.” William obviously has a love and a fondness for the people and the camaraderie and the tradition and the excitement going on in the house, but he is wise enough to know when he needs a break, and perspective. William knows his boundaries, and he puts them in place.

Recently, I was going through one of my old journals and I found a daily mantra that I was utilizing at the time. I think that it is a good one to bring back: “I will go through this one day harmlessly. I will hurt no one in my thoughts or actions, including myself.” Be an outsider. Be true to yourself this holiday season.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJTO2WCiekc

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Dumping Grounds

I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.

The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.

This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”

We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.

We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?

On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Surreal

It’s almost cruel how beautiful it is here, now that Hurricane Ian has passed. The storm seems to have brought in the cooler, lovely fall weather with it, in one fell swoop. It’s sunny and beautiful and still and calm. My wind chimes aren’t even making one tiny ting-a-ling whatsoever. It’s so strange to just “go back to normal” after experiencing the build-up of fears and anxieties and destruction that big storms bring to us.

Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment, my husband worked, and my daughter drove home for the weekend, from college. We ended up going to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Life goes on. For most of us, we are relieved that the storm has passed, and not much has changed. For some us, our lives have been irrevocably changed and building a new life will take a great deal of healing and time and energy and vision and hope. Some of us will have to climb new mountains, while the rest of us just go back to our usual, comfortable lives in the valley. It’s honestly surreal. But such is life.

Once, when we were visiting Seattle, Washington, a man told us that living in Seattle is like having an intoxicatingly beautiful, brilliant girlfriend who is always depressed. (It rains a lot in Seattle.) Along the lines of this analogy, living in Florida is like having the most gorgeous, fabulous, optimistic, fun, exciting spouse/partner/lover, who on rare occasion, goes entirely bonkers and takes the house down in the process. Those of us who live where we live, do so for many reasons – climate, family, jobs, entertainment, etc. Different traits appeal to different people and everyone’s tolerance is different for various levels of high jinks and melee. Where each of us choose to place our boundaries with anything in life, is highly individualistic. Are the highs worth the lows? How much excitement does one crave? How much is reliable, stable peace worth? Again, these questions are just one small part of the pot of questions swirling around life as we live it. And living life is about either finding out the answers to our questions, or making peace with living with the mystery of the questions themselves. It’s honestly surreal.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Apologies

“Perhaps the reason you so desperately want an apology and for this person to acknowledge that they’ve wronged you in some way is because it will be just the thing you need to give them another chance to prove to you that they can be the person you believe them to be.” – The Blunt Reader (Twitter)

When I read this the other day, it socked me in the gut. I wasn’t the only one. Over 36,000 people seem to appreciate what this tweet has to say. It is hard to accept the truth that the people in our lives are often times projections of what we want them to be. What I am to you, is entirely different than what I am to my three sons, and I am an entirely different entity to each of my sons. We always bring a part of ourselves and our own needs to each relationship that we have in our lives. And sometimes we blatantly lie to ourselves, in order for relationships to be what we want them to be, in order for these relationships to fit into the lives we want to believe that we live.

If you are in a detrimental relationship with anyone which you have been lying to yourself about, in order to make your life “look like” exactly what you want it to be, sometimes the hurtful, unacceptable things that people do and say, without true remorse and change, can be the biggest favor that they ever did for you. These actions can jar you into reality, and wake you into acceptance of “what is”. These actions can help open up a space for you to find better people and to experience better situations which leads to living a more authentic, joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life. These painful experiences with people who have harmed you, can help you to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and treat yourself better. These terrible, blatant actions and lack of regret on the part of people who have hurt you, ironically may be the kindest, most honest thing that they ever did for you, in your entire relationship.

In my life’s experience, the people who have done and said the things that have hurt me the most deeply, have never been able to make sincere, honest, heartfelt apologies, nor have they been able to show amends for their actions. And for the longest time, I pined for “the apology.” I pined for the “on their knees, begging for forgiveness.” I pined for their true understanding of my pain, and a demonstration of their deepest regret. It took me a long time to understand that it is usually only the most damaged people in our lives who can do, and who can say the most terrible things to us, in the first place. And it isn’t personal. These people tend to leave wreckage in every relationship that they have in their lives. Hurt people hurt people. These people were never the people who I believed and wanted them to be.

It is painful to work on self-awareness. It is painful to accept that we play a part in allowing people to hurt us, by lying to ourselves about our relationships and our situations. But when we do get real with ourselves, and we take steps to protect and to care for ourselves, ironically, the apologies no longer matter nearly as much. If fact, sometimes we realize we might be better off without the apology and the conflict in our heart that the apology would bring. When we are showing ourselves love and respect and care, we no longer feel such a gaping neediness, trying to get love and kindness and protection from others. We get healthy. We make strong boundaries and we protect these boundaries. We grieve our losses, we hope for the best for everyone involved, and we move on. We only allow healthy people into our inner circle, people who love themselves and love others in healthy, confident ways, without utilizing manipulation, neediness and cruelty. When we come into our own authenticity, the pretend world is no longer something that we need nor want. The pretend world doesn’t interest us, because it is shallow, fake, flimsy and hollow. When we assuredly accept things as they are, not as we want them to be, we allow ourselves to take the first steps to create an enthralling, true life experience that we can thrive and grow in, to become the best true version of our own selves.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Lighten the Load

I’m a spongy person. I have the tendency to feel and to absorb everybody else’s emotions besides just my own. (I think this is very common in us mom-types) Yesterday was a doozy for my sponginess. It seemed so many of my loved ones were having big ups and downs, and I got on that roller coaster with them. My husband was hangry (hungry and thus, angry), my son was deeply disappointed over a test grade, my daughter was over-the-moon excited about finding her college roommate, and my sister was distraught. And I gathered that whole mix of other people’s emotion into my body, and stirred it up and I let it stew. And that’s on me.

I know that I have this tendency to take on other people’s emotions. And while it seems “nice” and full of empathy, it honestly isn’t helpful for any of us. Two frenzied worked-up people equals a lot more chaos than just one upset person. Nothing is getting solved and no one is being helped. And in the end, taking on too many swirling emotions, on top of your own mix of emotions, can lead to fatigue, resentment and even sickness.

I’ve learned a lot about noticing this phenomenon with our three dogs. When one of our dogs gets worked up, before you know it, all three have “caught” the excitement and they all end up in a hyperactive tiz. The only way to calm this situation in a hurry, is to become calm and quiet and centered myself. Dogs understand and relate to and respond to this peaceful, confident energy. Our trainer told us that our sweet, gentle collie is the leader of our pack of three dogs, and it is not because she is big (Ralphie is bigger) or because she is the only female. It is because Josie has the calmest, most centered energy of the three of them.

It helps to have the self-awareness to know that I have this tendency to take other people’s feelings on. It helps me to notice when I am falling into this habit. This is when I take a deep breath in order to ground myself. Then, I can remind myself that this feeling is not actually my own feeling, and whatever strong emotions my loved ones are feeling, these feelings will pass, just like mine do, on a regular basis. It is also my job to put boundaries on any conversations or situations that I am finding to be taxing, upsetting or draining. I have the right to stop a conversation, or to keep it to texts, or to keep it to a certain time limit. When I bring a calm reassurance that my people will be able to handle whatever they are dealing with, this is what is most helpful to all of us. Getting overly involved in other people’s issues may mean that I am avoiding or not spending enough time on my own matters of business, problems and dreams. My life, my feelings, and my actions are my responsibility. Others carry that same responsibility for their feelings, their own actions, and their individual lives. By tending to my “own stuff”, I take that burden of worry from other people, and I can inspire them by example to know that they are fully capable of taking care of their “own stuff”, too.

Quotes Of The Day - 12 Pics | Life quotes, 25th quotes, Quotable quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.