I have a day full of appointments but I had to add one more exhibit to our thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. This is another one that arrived yesterday, just in time to get me back on track to focus on my “cleaning out my house” project this summer (I am admittedly, a highly distractible person):
“Does your weekly planner reflect your yearly goals?” – Chani Nicholas
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’ve been enjoying some good summer reading while my husband is engrossed in the passion of, and his personal passion for the Tour de France. And from my readings and perusings, I have some new exhibits to add to this Thought Museum which I fondly call “Ash” – Adulting – Second Half. Here is some food for thought to chew on today:
+ What strikes the oyster, does not damage the pearl. – Rumi
I take this to mean that your body can be destroyed by outside forces, and even your mind can be destroyed by outside forces if you let it, but your spirit is timeless and it is always in a state of peaceful observance and it is protected always. Your spirit is your pearl.
+ Don’t yuck on another person’s yums.
We are all allowed to decide what we think is yucky and what we think is yummy. The world is a wonderful, interesting, diverse, “feast for the eyes”, because we all have different yuckies and yummies.
+ The need to convince others represents the need to convince yourself. – Alan Cohen
This is so vitally true, isn’t it? The things that I am absolutely sure about, I would never even think to ask anyone’s opinion about.
+ Life will not postpone our death, so let us not postpone our life.
No explanation needed. Viva!
+ If someone could see your actions and not hear your words, what would they say your priorities are?
This is such an excellent question because it separates you from yourself a little bit, and also from your expectations of yourself, and from your own self-image and your own private “shoulds.” My kids have heard the mantra from me a million times in their growing up years: “Actions speak louder than words. People show you who they are.” Be honest with yourself with this question. It may surprise you that your actions don’t really match what you think are actually your own priorities. The way that this question is worded may help you to get back on track to what you really want your true priorities to be in your life.
+ Yesterday, I received this blog in my email and it was EXACTLY what I needed to “hear.” (I believe that this is how the Universe works. Let Life love you.) Jill Donovan is a jewelry designer and an excellent writer. She is a devout Christian, so it does have a lot of “God” reference, but I still believe that anyone, no matter what their beliefs are, can get something from this post:
https://jilldonovan.com/blogs/practically-speaking/all-cats-are-grey-in-the-dark
Thank you for perusing the museum with me today. If you have any suggestions for good exhibits, please add them in the Comments.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Hello, friends. I’m sorry that I have been MIA. I am busy working on my summer projects: cleaning out my house for a fresh start to our relatively new empty nest stage of life (see the meme above – I’ve probably gone into that store and many, many others like it, way too many times in my life), healing from another incredibly painful episode of cervical radiculopathy (so far, the most helpful has been electroacupuncture, but if anyone has any tips or suggestions out there, I’ll take ’em) and getting back to my equilibrium after a highly eventful first half of the year. (This takes longer the older that I get, I am finding.)
The other day, our elderly neighbor, who is always working on his lovely yard, donning his red/white/blue headband, (and I love this – this is one of my “comfort cairns”. I can look out of my window almost any day of the week and see my neighbor lovingly attending to his yard. It gives me a feeling of peace and serenity. It’s one of those calm places in the midst of the myriad of storms swirling about, on any given day. This is a good time to take a pause from reading my fascinating blog (wink), and think about what your “comfort cairns” are – examples of other ones of mine are watching our collie, Josie, lying in the grass “sunbathing”, lighting candles, bowls of feathers and rocks and shells that I have collected from my travels in life, the list goes on . . . . ) told me that he and his wife were going away to visit his brother and he asked me to get a package, that he couldn’t stop from coming, from their front stoop, when they were gone. So, I said, “yes”, of course, but I also told him that I would miss seeing him out in his yard. When I went to retrieve the package, I noticed two adorable little wooden Snoopy characters on stakes in the side garden by their front door. I texted my neighbor that I had gotten his package and that I loved their Snoopys. He texted me to remind him to tell me the story about the Snoopys when they got back.
So when my comfort cairn was reliably out in his yard after his trip, I asked him to tell me about the Snoopys. He smiled humbly, and he proceeded to say that his wife has loved Snoopy since she was a little girl. Her father was a carpenter and so her father made the wooden Snoopy stakes for her, but they were only the outline of Snoopy. (her father was a woodworker, not a painter) My neighbor said that they faithfully took the Snoopys from house to house, as they raised their family, and then, they finally moved them to the garage, in this current home, their retirement home. My neighbor said that right before Mother’s Day this year, he saw the wooden stakes hanging in their garage and he decided that he wanted to bring them to life for his wife. He bought some paint and he asked his artsy granddaughter to paint them, in order to really bring Snoopy alive. And so she did. And so my elderly neighbor’s elderly wife woke up on Mother’s Day, and she walked outside to see her beloved Snoopys dancing in her garden. And I thought to myself, what she really saw dancing in the garden was the love that her father and her husband and her family, have for her now, and for always.
And as I finish writing this post, I realize that one of my biggest comfort cairns (besides shopping for things that I don’t need) is writing this blog. <3
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
A friend texted me a flashback photo this morning of me with a group of our mutual friends, 16 years ago today. Honestly, I’m going to brag a little. I looked really good in that picture. I was 38-years-old. But what makes me sad, is that the 38-year-old woman in the picture didn’t realize it. She was hypercritical of herself. She was insecure and desperately trying to make everything “stay the same”. It was one of the most stressful times of her life, as she and her husband had just become the “poster kids” for the Great Recession. I wish that I could go back in time and hug my 38-year-old self. I would hug her so hard. I wish that I could sit with her, hold her hand, and tell her that things were going to be tumultuous, and scary, but also amazing and thrilling and that all of the changes ahead of her were actually going to be really fantastic springboards towards her most authentic life. That 38-year-old woman was really worried about the future. She sometimes got panicky thinking about it. She wanted the full-proof plan to be shown to her immediately, as to what the future was going to look like for her and her family. And the crazy thing is, even being a positive, resilient, hopeful, faithful young woman, she still could have never, ever imagined how wondrous the years ahead would be. She could never have imagined that she would successfully make it through all of the ups and downs (some of these being really, really steep ups and downs, as is the way of life) and have so many incredible adventures along the way, bringing her to this moment, now. Here. Now. I can’t go back and hug my 38-year -old self, but I can hug my 54-year-old self. Here. Now. My 54-year-old self is hypercritical about her aging face and body. She is sometimes insecure and feels a little wrecked when things don’t “stay the same.” But I’m guessing that 16 years from now, I will look back at pictures of my 54-year-old self, and I will smile. I will brag a little. She will look good. She will be smiling at the camera, having no idea of all of the events that will happen in the next 16 years of her life, but hopefully, she will sense my hug. She will feel loved by herself. And that will be enough to sustain her, as she carries on down the unknowable winding path of her marvelous life.
“In twenty years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.” – Mary Schmich
“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Suess
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
So, I have told everyone and their grandmothers that my major goal this summer was to clean out our home like we are moving, even though we aren’t. I have done this to keep myself accountable. After a lot of soul-searching and going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, my husband and I decided to keep our current home, instead of downsizing and/or upsizing, for the foreseeable future. We plan to remodel some more areas of our current home to better fit our empty-nester lifestyle. That being said, this is the longest we have lived in any single home (11 years), and the piles of accumulation of stuff that 11 years in one place has generated, are daunting. I feel overwhelmed by the project. Interestingly though, I read something yesterday morning that made a whole lot of sense and then afterwards, I can honestly say I made a nice little dent in cleaning out some of my closet and bathroom cabinets.
Jill Donovan blogged yesterday about once hearing this said: “If you can’t reach your goal, it might be because your first step isn’t small enough.”
Lightbulb moment. I have been telling everyone’s grandmother that I am going to be cleaning out my entire house this summer. And then I feel faint. I remain frozen in overwhelm. And before yesterday, the only real steps that I have taken towards this goal, is to tell even more people, willing to be my audience, that I am going to do it. When I look at my goal from this big picture point of view, I feel snowed under (even in this incredibly hot summer). However, if I break my goal down to cleaning out just one small section of my house each day, or even just one small drawer, in one small section of my house, each day, the goal doesn’t seem so bad. At the very least, by breaking it down to tiny steps, I have moved past the proclamation of the project, into the actual “doing it.”
In her blog, Jill says if you find yourself stuck or frozen on something you want to do, but it seems too formidable to even begin, break the goal down to such tiny steps, that you can’t help but take the first step, and from there, the momentum will begin. She says that if you are wanting to write a book this summer, just start with “the title.” If you are wanting to start exercising more, just start parking your car at the back end of the grocery store parking lot. Every major thing accomplished, is an accumulation of a bunch of little baby steps along the way. And the key to getting even more energy towards achieving any goal, is to start moving towards it, even if it is just putting one little toe slightly outside of the starting gate.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Wow. It’s been a minute. Readers, I miss you. Adulting – Second Half, I miss writing you. My spring has been a complete blur – a wonderful, happy, successful blur, but a blur nonetheless. Too much was packed into one season for my liking. I know that some people flourish from going from one event to the next, to the next, to the next, but that is not me. I need my quiet time. I need my alone time. I need my soul-searching, soul-healing solitude. And this is the first week in months, that I am able to have this experience.
It’s not lost on me that I am having a flare up of cervical radiculopathy. The common name for cervical radiculopathy is “major pain in the neck.” Cervical radiculopathy is intense pain stemming from herniated discs in the neck and the pain radiates throughout the shoulder blade into the arm and hands. (I still have a numb thumb from my first bout with this, a little over two years ago. The first bout, not surprisingly happened after another series of stressful events, one after another. Our bodies DO “keep the score.”) I’m okay. I’m taking steroids and muscle relaxers. I had a massage. I’m taking it easy. My heating pad has become my new best friend. But still, I hate it when my body has to scream at me. When you don’t listen to the whispers of your mind, or your soul, or your body, the whispers turn up the intensity, until you finally can’t help but to hear the screams.
Okay, but let’s change the subject because one of my biggest fears in life is turning into a little old lady who can only talk about her “woe is me” ailments.
I have a close friend whose life experiences are often so similar to mine, it’s almost uncanny. At the beginning of the year, she told be about this daily Touching Peace calendar and so I bought one. And I love it. And the other day (June 9th to be exact) , I liked the page so well that I cut it out and I put it in one of my inspirational notebooks. I told my friend that I had done this, and she said that she had saved the exact same one, too! Here it is:
Yesterday, I was not particularly happy. I was in a lot of pain, so I was snappy with husband, snippy with my dogs and all the way around, lowly and growly. I was not a fun gal to be around. I imagine that while ruminating on my pain, I created a little bit of “suffering” for my housemates last night. Sorry guys!!
It has often occurred to me how we so underestimate the importance of our own happiness and our own peace. We so often look outside ourselves for happiness and peace which is not a good plan. Most things outside of ourselves are not in our control. Still, we often don’t believe that we can have peace and happiness until certain things happen for us, or certain events go the way that we want them to, out in the world. So with carrying this false belief, we only add more discontented energy into the world, and then we blame other people, and whatever events happening, for our misery.
If you are one who really does not want to create suffering in others (and I truly believe that this is a mass majority), then focus on being peaceful and happy just for today. Don’t give your power away by making your peace and happiness contingent on what happens, or what other people are doing. Do what it takes to create peace and happiness within yourself, and know that this lovely energy will emanate from you, out into the world and it will help to dissolve some of the low energy that seems to swirl all around us these days. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for others, is to stop the suffering in yourself.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was at a graduation party over the weekend and a friend said that many people are now dubbing the month of May, “Maycember.” It refers to how busy the month of May has become with school events/graduations at every level, and with Mother’s Day and Memorial Day weekend added to the mix, for an extra dash of whirl and twirl. My kids are mostly grown, but I was still glad that I purchased the jumbo package of graduation cards in April. They came in handy. None are left. My aunt, who is a grandmother of three young elementary school children, relayed her May schedule to me the other day (all relating to her grandchildren’s sports and school ending events), and it made my head spin. This younger generation is big about celebrating BIG, every kind of thing that you can possibly celebrate (which is not a bad thing), but it certainly makes free time in the calendar, a sparse commodity. In May of 2026, our eldest is getting married and our youngest is graduating from college. That will certainly be a May for the books. I have to start making peace now with the fact that Maycember is a real thing, and Maycember is here to stay.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ “Everybody who is honest is interesting.” – Stefan Sagmeister
Why do we love comedians and songs and biographies and memoirs and long podcasts? This is because these things tend to pull out truth, vulnerability, relatability, and authenticity, from both the sharer and the “sharee”. These mediums create a space where honesty can be shared safely and openly and kindly. In a world so full of fakeness and pretense and hostility, true honesty is a precious (and dare I say, almost holy) commodity.
+ “What you don’t transmute, you transmit.” – Richard Rohr
In other words, work on your sh*t, because otherwise, you’ll end up sh*tting on everything and everybody who mean the most to you in your life. Get conscious. Don’t go through life unconscious and then wonder what happened. Don’t plant yourself in the victim seat and live there for the rest of your life. Give yourself the power you already possess. You ultimately are your own healer. Your pain doesn’t magically disappear. You either do the work to transmute it, or else you transmit it out into the world. And it’s obvious, isn’t it? Our world doesn’t need any more pain.
+ “Don’t change the goal, change the path to the goal.”
Too many of us give up on plans, goals, dreams, because we feel like we are banging our heads up against a steel wall. We’re so busy banging our heads, that we don’t take the time to ponder whether there may be another way to reach our goal (spoiler alert: there are usually many paths to any one destination). Sometimes we get really fixated on the ONE and ONLY path, person, place, thing, time, etc. that has to happen, in order for us to reach our goal (which if we are honest with ourselves (see exhibit one), most of us have pretty much the same goal: a glorious mixed feeling of peace, purpose, contentment, pride, happiness, which we believe, whatever it is that our individual goal is, will bring to us)
+ Bonus: I get a lot of feedback from people missing my “Favorite Things Friday” posts. So, just for today, it’s “Wonderful Things Wednesday.” Here are a few things that have tickled my fancy lately: (Readers, please tell us what is tickling you, in the Comments section. What are your favorite, wonderful things to share?)
Mens’ Shirts by Poncho: My husband recently purchased three shirts from this company and the delivery/exchange system is absolutely easy and seamless (they run large)! These shirts are a fabulous understated mix of a western/fishing/casual/outdoorsman shirt, which come in a variety of subtle (and not so subtle) patterns. They have beautiful pearl snap buttons and one of corner of each of these top quality shirts dons a “wiper cloth” hidden underneath the corner, to wipe your sunglasses and your tech. (this will be a Father’s Day winner, I assure you!) www.ponchooutdoors.com
“The Emperor of Gladness” by Ocean Vuong: I am only halfway through this book and yet it is one of the most compelling books that I have ever read in my entire life. It is beautiful, honest, raw, eye-opening, compassionate and real. I highly recommend reading it.
Ariana Grande’s LOVENOTES Pink Woods Eau de Parfum – Every time that my future daughter-in-law wears this perfume, she gets compliments. I’ve witnessed it. It smells absolutely divine on her. If you are looking for a new scent, try this one out. I purchased it recently and the verdict is still out whether it smells as good on me as it does on her, but regardless, give it a try. As I have often said on the blog, the sense of smell is probably my favorite feature of our amazing bodies. Think of your favorite smell right now . . . . Chocolate chip cookies? Eucalyptus? A newborn baby/puppy? Your Grandma’s perfume? Rain? Thanksgiving dinner? . . . . . . you’re welcome!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“A 20-mile hike into the woods requires a 20-mile hike back out of the woods.”
I saw this quote a few days ago and it rang true in so many facets of life – i.e. weight loss, a lifetime accumulation of stuff, having a big family, and the true story of when our eldest son first moved up to New Jersey and decided to ride his manual, 3-speed bike across a bridge, over the river to explore New York City. It didn’t dawn on him until much later that evening, after he had exhausted himself exploring the Big Apple, that there would be an equally long ride back. (we don’t call him our “Absent-Minded Professor” for nothing)
A lifetime friend of mine recently brought up her fears and sadness about the thoughts of us all getting older and experiencing the ailments and losses that getting older often brings. I immediately got defensive and I reminded her that it would not be unusual now, for all of us to live well into our nineties which means we have close to half our lives still to live. “We’re not old!” I practically screamed. And as 50-somethings, we’re really not that old, but we are definitely on the 20-mile hike back out of the woods.
The hike back out is always a little bit easier. You have a better idea of what to expect. You get to revisit areas on your trail, and you get to bypass rocky terrain that you now know exists. You’re more experienced. You usually have better footing on the hike back out of the woods. You’ve already eaten and drank up most of your sustenance, and so you now have a lighter load. You understand more what you no longer need to have with you on the journey back. The hike back out is less about preparation and anticipation, and more so, about truly savoring and taking in what you may have missed on the hurried, restless hike in. You tend to take the hike out of the woods, a little less rushed. You’re a little more tired, but in a good way. You’ve proven to yourself that you have the mettle it takes to make this journey. There’s a saying that people often say with a resigned sigh, “It’s all downhill from here!” but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. When I am on a real hike up a hill or a mountain or an endless staircase, I am always extremely relieved that the way back is “all downhill.” It’s easier. I breathe easier. I feel nimbler and I’m still basking that I made the proud, adventurous climb in and up. Mostly though, on my journey, I’m grateful that so many of the people whom I travelled into the woods with, are still with me on our way back out. And I am so grateful for the new ones whom I am still meeting along the way, and of course, I am always grateful for the ones who always loyally travel with me, and guide me, as I deeply sense their presence, in the spirits of the winds and the birds and the trees.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ I just spent the last three days completely crashing. Our son graduated from medical school over the weekend. All of our family joined us in the celebration down in South Florida and I experienced one of my best Mother’s Days ever. And then, as we headed home, the culmination of everything which my family and I have experienced over the last six months or so – engagements!, graduation, hurricanes, trip to Japan, house renovations, the loss of our Ralphie, our epic Labrador retriever, etc. etc., all on top of our predictable and normal, yet busy, every day lives, swept over me like a giant wave and so mostly, I have slept like a shell on the beach after riding the big, big wave. But the weathering has been good. The ride has been a thrill. And I am an intact, shiny shell. I am just taking a little breather in the replenishing sunshine.
+ When we were in Japan last month, we met an adorable, older Japanese couple, while we were sitting next to each other at a sushi bar in the coastal town of Odawara, and although we had a tough time with the language barrier (thank goodness for Google Translate!) we really connected with these people. The husband was a photographer and they asked for our mailing address so that they could send us one of his books. Truthfully, especially as time has gone on, I felt like we probably just had “a moment” with these lovely people and I really didn’t expect to get the book, but happily, a beautiful, and carefully wrapped package arrived yesterday from Japan. The wife handwrote us a lovely letter on delicate rice paper stationery. She wrote it in English! An excerpt from her letter: “We were not able to communicate well do to our poor English, but it was still a wonderful experience to meet you two. Although there are many difficult issues in the international situation, I believe that human interaction is the most important and valuable thing in life.” I have to say that it was very kind of her not to blame our difficult communication on our own non-existent Japanese, since we were visiting her country. What I did love most about our new friend’s letter though (besides the fact that she took the time and care to write it!) was her belief that “human interaction is the most important and valuable thing in life.” In this day and age, when so much is being pushed off on to AI (my daughter, just this morning, showed me a TikTok of people filming ridiculous, glitchy, inhuman job interviews which they were having with AI, and I was struck at how many speakers at my son’s medical school graduation spoke of the vital importance of medicine not losing its humanity, as we sit on the precipice of this AI revolution), I do hope that we remain invested in our valuable and intimate human interaction. I am a believer in progress, but I also believe in constantly balancing and measuring “progress” with our highest values. And hopefully, most of us value, however imperfect it is, our humanity. What makes someone humane? The dictionary says this: “marked by compassion, sympathy, or consideration for humans or animals” and “showing benevolence” and “wanting to alleviate suffering”. We, as humans, are able to show compassion and sympathy and empathy, only because we, ourselves, understand what suffering feels like, not just on a supposed, described, intellectual level, but at the deeper level of emotion and actual experience. We, as humans, must remain sensitized. We must remain sentient. We are not robots. We are not flat. We are not one-dimensional. We are difficult, messy, mercurial, emotional, erratic, hopeful, perceptive, deeply feeling, curious creatures and that is what makes life full and robust and interesting and teeming with energy and existence. May we never lose our ALIVENESS.
+ I read an article this morning about menopause by Carley Hauck in a publication called Super Age. This is how she defines menopause: “Menopause is a profound transition that asks us to slow down and listen to the body’s wisdom. To restore what’s been depleted. To reclaim parts of ourselves long buried under roles, responsibilities, or expectations. And ultimately, to rise stronger, wiser, and more whole into the next chapter of life.” I’ve never seen a better definition of menopause than this. No wonder why the word “pause” is in menopause. All you ever hear about menopause is negative or jokey or confusing. I liken menopause to my allegory of being a resting shell on the beach, soaking in the sun. Restoration from depletion. Listening. Honoring our bodies. Taking the pause, before rising again, stronger and wiser and whole, and fully ready to ride the next waves of our lives.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
