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For Your Life

“I think we’re losing something. One hundred years ago, everybody wrote. Everybody wrote letters. Lots of people kept journals. People wrote down the events of the day. Today if you say to somebody you meet, “That’s an interesting story. You should write it down,” their first response is, “I’m not a writer” — and by that they mean that writing now belongs to those of us who do it for a living. I think that’s wrong. I think writing should belong to everybody and I think everybody should write because it’s good for our history and it’s good for our psyche.” – Anna Quindlen

“Being a reporter taught me how to write even when I didn’t feel like writing. People ask me all the time about writer’s block. Can you imagine saying to the city editor, “I’m blocked today”? Being in a newsroom also taught me to write tight, look for telling details, and write dialogue that sounds the way real people talk.” – Anna Quindlen

I didn’t realize that Anna Quindlen wrote a book called Write For Your Life in 2022. I haven’t read it yet, but I will now. Anna Quindlen has always been one of my favorite writers. The quotes above are from an interview that she did last summer, with the The Saturday Evening Post, about the book.

Write. You have a story. It’s a good one. Writing will help you make sense of your story and it will help your friends and your family make sense of you (maybe even after you are long gone). Make yourself write every single day. Sometimes I come to this computer with that ho/hum feeling that I truly have nothing to write about it, but I make myself do it, because I am committed to writing a daily blog, for myself, and for you, my dear readers. It is important to me to strive to be a person of my word. In this way, you help me stay accountable and I am forever grateful for your presence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Everyone has a story. And it’s a better story than you want to believe. Yesterday, right before dinner, I decided to get a quick nail polish change on my toenails (not a full pedicure, I didn’t want to spend the time or the money – just a quick polish change). The manager of the nail salon sat down and she took only about ten minutes to do my polish change. In this time, she matter-of-factly told me that she had just returned to work after her father-in-law’s funeral. He was of Laotian descent, and he was a Buddhist and she said that Buddhists tend to have long drawn out funeral ceremonies, so she had been to different parts of the service for four and a half days. “I’ve been doing a lot of eating and sitting,” she said. Her father-in-law was a sweet, quiet man, who wanted to please those he loved so when he was diagnosed with cancer, he agreed to do the chemotherapy process, even though he didn’t want to do it. Late this summer, he finally told his family he that was done with partaking in chemo. He wanted to enjoy his last days. Her father-in-law died peacefully about a week ago, after small stay in hospice after refusing a feeding tube. During his funeral planning and service, the manager told me that it was so interesting to see what grief brought out in the different people in her family. The so-called “most responsible” eldest daughter fell apart and wasn’t able to do much of anything. At times they couldn’t even locate her. On the other hand, one of the granddaughters, a busy woman in her early 20s, who hasn’t had much to do with her family at all, became everyone’s rock, particularly for her grandmother, the heartsick wife. The salon manager’s son is in middle school. He considered his grandfather to be “his best friend.” In their Buddhist tradition, as a sign of mourning, the men in the family shave their heads. The manager’s son has a big head with big ears which makes him feel self conscious. Her son is in that emotionally volatile and often mired in insecurities, middle school stage. He was torn as to what to do. Thankfully, the elders in his family, and the elders in his tradition decided that enough men had shaved their heads to honor his grandfather, and they reassured the young man that his job was to honor his grandfather/best friend, in his heart.

In ten minutes, I learned so much. I learned about this woman’s family, and things that I didn’t know about Buddhist traditions. I felt connected to this woman who has painted my toenails off and on throughout the years. I could relate to her heartsickness for being the wife and the mother of a grieving family.

It took me about ten minutes to write the paragraph above. Listen to others. Listen to yourself. Write it down. Write it down, because as Anna Quindlen says, “It’s good for our history and it’s good for our psyche.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Bank of Spirit

Where are you spending your money? What do you put your money towards? Most of us would answer that we put our money towards food, clothing, shelter, health, taxes, education, our families, pets, retirement savings, charity (in no particular order) and then if there is any money left over it goes to luxuries like outings, trips and trinkets. We’re all pretty cognizant about where we spend our money and what we want our money to do for us. Most of us already have answers about what we would plan to do with our money if we came into a big windfall such as winning the lottery.

I read an interesting perspective the other day that asked the question: why don’t we put that same kind of consideration that we do about where we are spending our money, into where we are spending our everyday personal emotional energy? If you pretended that every thought of yours was a dollar, are you spending your thoughts in the right places? Are you spending your thoughts and feelings on people/places/things that truly matter to you? Are you wasting your thoughts and feelings? Are you bleeding your thoughts/feelings? I replaced “thoughts and feelings” with where the word money is often used in these common platitudes:

+ Thoughts and feelings don’t grow on trees. (We all only have about 16-18 waking hours in the day when we can consciously notice and change our thoughts and our feelings. And none of us know just how many days we will actually get on this Earth to think and to feel and to experience our perspectives which we create about life.)

+ Time is thoughts and feelings. (We are in a constant stream of thoughts/feelings throughout our time in the day.)

+ Thoughts and feelings can’t buy happiness. (Happiness is usually a by-product of a state of gratefulness and positivity created by the thoughts and feelings we are having about various situations in our lives. Thoughts and feelings mired in negativity will not buy happiness.)

+ Make your thoughts and feelings work for you.

Money is just another form of energy. “One of the ways Webster’s Dictionary defines energy is “the physical or mental strength that allows you to do things.” Money, like gasoline for your vehicle, allows you the ability to do the things you want to do in life.” (oreilly.com) Money is the symbol of the energy it took to earn it, and we trade this energy for some other form of energy (the things and the experiences that we value and we buy).

We tend to put a lot of consideration into where we spend our money and if we don’t do this, we often end up “broke”, with nothing to show for it. Is this any different than our everyday thoughts and feelings? Are you wasting your thoughts and feelings on things that really don’t matter or that are out of your control? Are the places where you are spending the propensity of your thoughts and feelings giving you a good return? Are you getting a lot of bang for your buck?

Just for today, pretend that your thoughts and feelings are your financial allotment for the day. Invest your thoughts and feelings wisely. Spend your thoughts and feelings on things that really matter to you, and on matters that will really make a difference in your own life and in the lives of others. Spiritually wealthy people are conscious and careful with their thoughts and their feelings. They are generous where it pays off to be so, for themselves and for others. They know that their focus of energy (thoughts, feelings, actions) will pay dividends, so they are careful to place this energy where it is best grown. Be good with your “money” and it will be good to you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

I read a good interview with Martha Stewart, age 81, in AARP magazine. These were some good quotes (takeaways) of hers from the article:

“Aging isn’t something I think about. How old I am, slowing down, retiring – I just don’t dwell on that. People talk about aging successfully, but I think of it as living gracefully and living to the absolute fullest.”

“And I continue to think that the most important part of aging well is to stay curious, to try new things every day.”

“In this life, you have to work at staying better. That’s really all you can do. You work at it.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Good morning. I became a big fan of Jane Marczewski, also known as “Nightbirde” when a friend shared a video of Nightbirde’s performance on America’s Got Talent. Nightbirde was an extremely talented singer and songwriter who performed so movingly and remarkably well on the show, that she got “the golden buzzer” from Simon Cowell. (no small feat for anyone who knows the show). Nightbirde bravely and beautifully performed her own song, “It’s OK” while she was dying of breast cancer. She passed away from cancer in February of 2022. It turns out that Nightbirde’s family found that Nightbirde had written notebooks full of poems during her fight with cancer and they are publishing some of these poems as a book of poetry this fall. Simon Cowell has written the introduction of the book and all of the proceeds from the book sales will go to Nightbirde’s foundation which is dedicated to helping women with cancer. Poems for the Dark by Nightbirde can be pre-ordered here: https://nightbirdefoundation.shop/products/poemsforthedark

I don’t have a poem of my own to share today, but I do want to share this famous poem, “Metaphors”, by Sylvia Plath. (Read the poem now before reading the rest of my explanation. See if you understand its meaning.) Plath wrote this poem about being pregnant. What is particularly clever and amazing about this poem is that it contains 9 lines, 9 syllables each and even the title has 9 letters. She did these formats as a “metaphor” for the traditional 9 months of pregnancy. Poetry is often cryptic, clever, and full of riddle. Try your own hand at cryptic, clever, and riddling. Surprise yourself with your mysterious, sly side.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

What’s the Score?

“The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.” – Warren Buffett

I read this quote the other day and I took a screenshot of it. (my picture roll on my phone has as many pages of words, as it has pictures) When I read it, I thought about how many times which I have repeated to my children, “Comparison is the thief of happiness (joy).” (Teddy Roosevelt) As humans, we love praise and adulation and admiration. And we also get a lot of our goals and aspirations by being inspired by what other people have achieved.

Personally, I think that it is healthy to have both kinds of scorecards – an Inner Scorecard and an Outer Scorecard. Ironically, our Outer Scorecard (which is the image you project, and what other people say about you) might often be the kinder, softer, easier grading scorecard. We tend to be our own worst critics. Still, your Inner Scorecard requires you to be honest and faithful to your own standards and beliefs without being concerned about what other people think. Your Outer Scorecard takes your picture. Your Inner Scorecard forces you to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror.

Outer Scorecards are fickle and change with the wind. Like fashion, they change as quickly as the seasons. Based on comparison and perspective, there will always be someone who is faster, more beautiful, richer, smarter, more interesting, more creative, more talented etc. On the other hand, Inner Scorecards rarely change. They have been imprinted on our souls. It’s just that we often don’t take time to examine them, as we get consumed in chasing the flashier Outer Scorecards, and thus getting the quick, but shallow fixes of a “like” or a “follow” or a “compliment” or any form of attention.

Have you examined your Inner Scorecard? Are you compromising things on this Inner Scorecard in order to maintain your Outer Scorecard? How does that make you feel? Another writer, Abhishek Chakraborty, also wrote about this famous quote of Warren Buffett’s. This is how he ends his thoughts on the subject (I couldn’t say it any better):

“The good thing is that if you start maintaining an inner scorecard, it will automatically translate into boosting your outer scorecard as well. And what better example to validate this idea than Buffett himself. He’s isn’t concerned if the world would look at him as the greatest investor or not. He doesn’t care what the world thinks of his decisions or ideas. He has openly said that there are a bunch of things he could do that would generate a lot more money for the company, but he chooses not to compromise his standards. . . . In conclusion, more than more happiness, more fame, and more wealth, we need less anxiety, less worry, and less regrets. And we’ll have that only when we’re successful by an inner scorecard. We can’t just earn praise, we must strive to be praiseworthy as well. Similarly, we can’t just be loved without being loveable, and we should not be admired without being admirable. This simple shift in mindset makes all the difference in the world.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Kind Eyes Friday

So, if you clicked on the Google Doodle this morning, like I did, you will see they are celebrating the posthumous birthday of this man, Mihaly Robert Csikszentmihalyi. Dr. Csikszentmihalyi is the professor and the psychologist who coined the term “flow” which is that state of being we get into when we are completely focused and immersed and creative and productive. When we are in our “flow” it is almost like we leave our bodies and become one with our projects. The first thing that I notice when I looked at pictures of Dr. Csikszentmihalyi are his beautiful, soulful eyes (Robin Williams had these same kind of “kind eyes”). His eyes seem to come out from something deep and soulful within himself and then they penetrate something deep and soulful into whomever he is looking at with a soft, knowing intensity. When glancing over his Wikipedia, this information intrigued my interest:

“One state that Csikszentmihalyi researched was that of the autotelic personality.[19] The autotelic personality is one in which a person performs acts because they are intrinsically rewarding, rather than to achieve external goals.[21] Csikszentmihalyi described the autotelic personality as a trait possessed by people who can learn to enjoy situations that most others would find miserable.[22] Research has shown that aspects associated with the autotelic personality include curiosity, persistence, and humility.”

I honestly believe that if you can live your life with an autotelic personality, you will achieve true peace. Live in the moment, and notice everything. The process of living is its own reward. That’s really all there is to it.

Okay, I know that this is a little deep for my Favorite Things Friday blog tradition. Sometimes my “inner deep” just keeps seeping in. On Fridays, I usually keep things light and I talk about the tactile, sensory stuff in life that makes “the process of living” wonderful. So without further ado, my favorite for today is a device I purchased from my acupuncturist to help with pain and discomfort in my neck. My favorite for today is called the CranioCradle. You can buy a CranioCradle on Amazon. It seems pricey for a firm piece of foam, but so far, I’m finding my CranioCradle worth its price. I’ve used it for about a week now in various positions on my back and my neck, mostly at bedtime, and I do find it helpful and enjoyable and relaxing when using it. My acupuncturist also recommends using the CranioCradle in the car.

I hope that you have a wonderful weekend – one that is full of flow, friends. May the eyes of life look upon you kindly and may you seep it all in. See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Enough Already

+ Kelly Corrigan is an author and a podcaster for PBS. She sends emails of her overall takeaways from her latest podcasts. This week she had a conversation with a best selling author, ultramarathoner, podcaster, former addict, Stanford educated swimmer Rich Roll. (My eldest son is a big fan of Rich Roll. They are both vegans.) I haven’t heard this interview yet, but I loved Kelly’s number one takeaway from her conversation with him. Rich Roll said this: “Change is only grand in retrospect. Day by day, it’s small choices and tiny adjustments. Believe in the incremental.” I love this. It’s the truth. The only way I have made any lasting changes in my life is when I took my goal day-by-day. Today, I will limit my sugar. Today, I will go to bed by 9:30. Today, I will write a blog post (I have been blogging almost daily since 2018 and it has changed my life. But I honestly had no idea what exactly I was setting out to do, when I started it . . . .)

+ I got a lesson/reminder from the Universe taught to me yesterday in the most interesting of ways. I am currently taking a Zen meditation/Asian art class by a wonderful Japanese woman, who is passionate about teaching. I didn’t have any supplies, so I started loading up on paints, and brushes, and hanko stamps (those red marks which you often see in the corner of Asian artwork). I got most of my things from Oriental Art Supply in California and a few things from Amazon, but I also started perusing eBay for “extras.” One extra that I ended up purchasing had nothing to do with painting. Here is the description of it:

“This decorative Japanese coin features a striking combination of green and black with beautiful lettering. It is a unique piece that will add flair to any collection.”

Now I’ve mentioned before that I have piggy banks full of lucky pennies, more than one lucky three legged toads, and an adorable lucky money tree that my youngest son gave to me. So, yes! I figured that a giant green Japanese coin was a must-have for my lucky money collection. As the seller said, it would add “flair” to my collection. And I will never say no to luck and flair. My purchase arrived yesterday. Here it is:

It came with a description paper full of Japanese lettering, so my original plan was to ask my art teacher to translate it, but I’m not a patient person, so I went to Google Translate to see what I could figure out. Nothing fruitful came to any understanding for me, from trying to translate each of the symbols on the “coin” (my husband insisted it was really a bottle opener), but the translation of the paper mentioned “the most famous, tsukubai, Ryoan-ji.” During my research, I found out that a tsukubai is a small, stone, water basin usually found in temples and tea houses in Japan, to cleanse your hands and your mouth before entering these sacred spaces. Apparently, my “coin” is a representation of the top of the tsukubai, at the entrance of a famous zen temple in Kyoto, Japan called the Ryoanji Temple. The grounds of this temple house a mysterious rock garden that is supposedly so naturally peaceful, scientists have done studies to figure out if certain placements of rock and terrain, hold the “secret” to peace. Anyway, below you will find a picture of the actual tsukubai and a translation of what the face of the tsukubai is really conveying (credit: muzu-chan.net)

“it is that famous because of its Zen inscription: taken separately, the four kanji are meaningless, but if they are read including the middle square hole (口), they become 吾 唯 足 知 – “ware tada taru shiru”. A literal translation would be “I only know enough”, but a more accurate translation would be “I learn only to be satisfied”. The real meaning of the phrase is that what you have is all you need: if you learn to be satisfied with the things as they are, then you are spiritually rich, while if you’re not contented then you are spiritually poor (even if you’re materially wealthy)…”

In short, the secret of true wealth is not collecting coins (“lucky ones” or real ones), but with feeling content and satisfied right in every single moment of your life. “What you have is all you need.” Apparently my beautiful green coin/bottle opener is really a cool, ancient mystical reminder of what we all know from the depths of our souls, but in our everyday stresses, we often forget it: “You are enough.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

So Extra

I saw an advertisement today for embellished slip-on shoes. The description said that these slides were a little “extra”. That seems to be a common catch-phrase these days. “She’s a little extra . . .”

The thing is “extra” means different things to different people. The slides being advertised didn’t look “extra” at all to me. But they were being sold by a company that traditionally stays in the black to brown color wheel of traditional, plain, timeless ballerina flats. The “extra” slides being advertised were black ballerina flats, with a thin band of rhinestones.

It’s fun to be a little “extra” sometimes, right? And a little extra you, is different than a little extra me. Yes, someone who is “extra” all of the time can be exhausting to be around, but at least they always keep it interesting.

Today, do something a little extra. Get the extra hot sauce on your lunch. Some other ideas that I saw on websites when I looked up the urban dictionary’s version of “extra”: a lemon wedge on your dog’s water bowl, bright red fake nails with an extra set of bright red fake nails hanging off of them like charms, a grandfather with a computer screen bigger than our large screen TV in the family room.

The other day, when my husband and I were in line at Chipotle ordering our food, a conservative looking young lady was waiting on us. When she smiled, I noticed an unusual glint of color and gleam on the top right corner of her mouth. Upon closer inspection, I saw that she had decorated her teeth with crystals. It honestly looked really cool and intricate. I told her how impressed I was, and my husband said that after my compliment, the young lady and her glitzy teeth just continued to beam and beam. (on an aside, if you only do one extra thing today, give someone a genuine compliment. Notice something that they have taken the time to do for/on themselves or for others, and be extra extra with your compliments, such as on their fancy hair, or their great combination of clothes, or their patient kindness in helping an elderly person, etc. I can never understand why people are so dreadfully stingy with compliments. They cost you nothing, and they make another person feel so good and “seen.” And I promise that you, too, will feel extra good for making another person feel happy.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Dumb Little Things

I have a couple of friends who are in the beginning stages of getting divorced. It’s a situation fraught with emotion, and unfortunately, I have proven myself not to be the best support system in this situation. I just always manage to express the wrong words, it seems (my foot-in-mouth game is in full force these days). Last night, my guys were all at a football game, so I decided to watch a couple of podcasts with an interesting character named James Sexton, who is a divorce lawyer in New York City and has been one for over 20 years, in order to better understand the situation my friends are dealing with in their break-ups. James Sexton has handled many high profile/high net worth divorces and he has written a couple of books, the latest called: How to Stay in Love: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together. I should mention that James Sexton, himself, is divorced.

James Sexton doesn’t necessarily believe in the institution of marriage, although he claims that he still gets as weepy-eyed and romantic as anyone, at a beautiful wedding. (He claims he always watches the groom, because he loves to see that fullest expression of excitement, and hopefulness and love, in a man’s eyes.) In his experience as a divorce lawyer, Sexton claims that only about 25 percent of people are happily married. Over half of all marriages end in divorce (although people remain bright-eyed and hopeful, as 80 percent of divorced people marry again within 5 years), and he believes that about another 25 percent stay unhappily married because of religion, or for financial reasons, or “for the kids”. James Sexton says it all starts when people first get married. He claims people don’t know what they want out of marriage and when they do figure out what they want, they don’t know how to clearly and effectively communicate what they want to their spouse. James Sexton claims that if all marriages had prenuptial agreements (which he emphatically emphasizes to get) it would force people to confront those issues, and to learn how to communicate better about the “tough stuff”, right out of the box.

What breaks up marriages according to Sexton? He claims that marriages break apart very slowly, until it is “all at once.” While it appears that a marriage ends because a big calamity of cheating or financial blow-ups, the truth is, according to Sexton, that these things are generally the grand finale of a slow meltdown. “It’s dumb little things, man,” he said to one interviewer. He talks about one client first noticing that her marriage was breaking up when her husband no longer purchased her favorite granola, like he always had done. James Sexton says that the little, every day kindnesses (and sometimes even sacrifices) that we do for each other, is what makes our spouse feel so loved and appreciated and special. And he questions, why is this so hard for us to do? Why are we stingy with the actions and the compliments and the cheerleading for the one person who has given us the most to us in our lives, that being the pledge to share their entire lifetime with us? (James Sexton reminds people that all marriages end – either in death or in divorce.) He claims that the happiest marriages almost always seem to be the marriages that have a “us against the big, bad, scary world/life problems” mentality. Sexton says that the happiest marriages are those in which each partner is, by far, the other’s biggest fan and supporter.

I’ve been married for almost 29 years. I am still completely in love with my husband and I believe that he feels the same way about me (he always makes me feel loved and supported and cherished). It’s not always been a cakewalk. We have gone through major moves, job loss, financial disasters, dealing with supporting a child through the ups and downs of epilepsy, a miscarriage, dysfunctional relationships in our extended families, etc. We also have shared four beautiful children, amazing trips and adventures, financial booms, lived in beautiful places and have together loved countless pets, etc. We have shared an interesting, full life experience with each other so far. I feel blessed by my marriage more than anything in my life, but I also get grumpy and resentful and hurt. My husband does, too. In the end, though, I do believe that we both have always made “Team Us” our biggest priority.

The other day, I got a wake-up call from one of my best friends from college. On that day, I realized that she was even a better friend than I ever knew before. We had lunch and during that lunch, I was complaining to her about a trip that my husband wants to take this spring, to a place that I really don’t care to visit. A place that has deeply intrigued him for over a decade, scares me and really doesn’t interest me at all. I have told my husband to go with someone else, but he really wants to share this adventure with me. I have reluctantly agreed, but I have also managed to make him feel guilty and less excited by exuding my obvious blase, disinterested, “I’m doing you a big favor” attitude. After lunch, my friend called me, as we were both driving back to our own homes. She said that she still wanted to talk to me and that’s when she told me her truth: “You have always been an adventurer and a lot of tourists travel to this place every year. If you need to complain or gripe about it, call me, but support him. We’ve always talked about how lucky we feel in our marriages. I think that you should be more supportive of him. You won’t regret it.”

And she was so right! And in that moment, I felt incredibly grateful for my marriage, and also for this particular, insightful friendship all at once. (that kind of burst of gratefulness will bring you to tears – it feels so good) What did I do then? I burst out of the car when I got home and I told my husband how grateful I was for all his support in everything that I have ever wanted throughout the years (including having three dogs when he would have been happy with one, is just one example) and I also confessed what my friend had said to me, and that I realized that she was so right. I said from that moment forward, I have decided to be more open-minded and supportive and interested about the trip. And then my husband smiled and he said that she was always his favorite out of my friends. (ha!)

There is obviously no one magic formula for a happy marriage. James Sexton makes a point that in any other scenarios, almost none of us would enter into a situation with such hopeless odds stacked against us. Still, we do. Our need for love and connection and hope is strong and wired hard, into our DNA. I highly recommend checking out James Sexton on some of his YouTube video interviews. He is insightful, candid, and a great communicator.

“We’ve been indoctrinated to believe that it’s immoral to try to change someone else. We’ve been told that love, real love, is about accepting your partner “for who they are.” But we’re constantly changing our romantic partners merely by our presence in their day-to-day lives. They react to us. We react to them. That’s kind of the point. We influence each other’s behavior and, ideally, help each other, together, be the best version of ourselves.” – James Sexton

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

credit: @woofknight, Twitter

We have been hanging out with our two middle sons and their friends this past weekend. Our sons are 25 and 22. They eat a lot, and they have high, fast, young people metabolisms. I’ve been trying to keep up as best as I can. This lipstick will definitely come in handy for the rest of the week. I just couldn’t keep it secret from you until Favorite Things Friday. Ha!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.