admin, Author at Adulting: Second- Half

Luck and Pain

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! My husband and I had our DNA tested and I found out that at the very least, I have 12% Irish in me. That was news to me! I am happy and proud to have a little bit of the luck of the Irish swimming around in my blood. Here’s an Irish blessing that I am sending to all who read this today:

“May the most you wish for be the least you get.”

On a more somber note, yesterday, I ran into a very nice, respectful, smart young man who was friends and classmates with my middle son and played on the basketball team with my youngest son. I saw him at a local grocery/deli that I frequent. Unbeknownst to me, his family has owned that establishment (which makes the best subs that I have ever eaten) for over 20 years. As my sons’ friend waited on me, I caught up with him and he told me that he was working at his family’s store and going to a local college with hopes of continuing on to dentistry school. The young man’s mother came over to greet me, as well. I didn’t know her very well, but I always admired her from a distance, sitting in the basketball stands. She is a beautiful woman, with an amazing fashion sense and she always wears lovely accessories. One accessory she always wears is the khimar or hijab. Yesterday, the boy’s elegant mother wore a Burberry printed headscarf. She looked striking, as usual. She and I got to talking about the fact that we both have four children, both families having three sons and one daughter. We both gave each other sympathetic looks when we talked about how quickly our boys have grown up and moved on with their adult lives. At that moment, I started wondering if I should express my condolences to this Muslim family about the horrible tragedy in New Zealand. Should I say how sorry and sick I was for the violence those poor people suffered from the horrific shooting up of the two mosques? But then I checked myself. What if they expressed sympathy about the shootings of the Christian churches in Texas and Charleston to me? Wouldn’t that be like saying, so sorry that “your people” suffered violence? I am totally devastated whenever I hear of ANY senseless, murderous shooting, wherever it takes place, whether it be in a church, a synagogue, a mosque, a school, a train, a concert, in America, in Brazil, in any country! These horrible acts of hatred and violence are things that are a detriment to all of us in humanity. Most people who I know, and certainly all other mothers who I know, only want peace and love and tolerance and safety and opportunities for our children and for our families. We want the same for other people’s loved ones, as well. At that moment, had I known the boy’s mother better, perhaps the more correct response would have been to embrace her and to comfort her and to let her comfort me. At that moment, we would share an unsaid understanding together. That common understanding is that we are both loving, concerned mothers who pray in our own ways, for the very same thing – a safe, kind, harmonious, peaceful world for our precious children to thrive in.

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Driving Through The Gates

Today my eldest son is buying his first, “on his own, as an adult” car. This will be his first major purchase since obtaining a regular, “adult” paycheck. My grandmother generously gifted my son her car when he got his driver’s license. From then on, he drove that car or one of our cars or a rental car that his company gave to him to use, during a long training process. However, he just received a nice promotion and he needs his own car.

Who doesn’t remember their first adult car? Mine was a little red Miata convertible. My dad called it my “Barbie Car.” I lived in Pittsburgh at the time and it was perfect . . . in the summer. One winter, it was so snowy we had to dig through the snow to find it. The Miata was so tiny that it had been completely covered in snow. One time my sister was driving it and she got it stuck. Four guys from the local high school football team were able to lift it up and out of the rut that it got stuck in. I’ll never forget that precious, little car. My aunt and I were discussing her first car which was probably the inspiration for my Miata. My aunt was the hip, glamorous career lady in my childhood who took my sister and I to our first concert and bought my sister and I our first private telephones for our bedrooms, among other special, fun treats. She drove a teeny Karmann Ghia convertible. My aunt would let my sister and I sit up in the back of it and do the “queen wave” to our imaginary crowds of adoring fans. The Karmann Ghia didn’t have a working heater, but the woolly blankets made for a cozy ride in that adorable car!

Your first adult car is just another rite of passage into the adult world. My husband is with my son right now. He is relegated to the “I’ve got your back” position, just to make sure that no one unsavory tries to take advantage of someone new to the car buying experience. He is trying to balance his take-charge, fatherly side with the wisdom to allow my son the independence to take the lead. There is such a mix of emotions when your children go through the gates of adulthood. There is nostalgia, excitement, pride, astonishment, a little bit of worry and a lot of hope. My biggest hope is that this car takes him safely and gently through this first leg of his adulthood journey. Just as I’m sure that he’ll never forget so many of the “firsts” in his adult life, I know that he’ll never forget this car. May it be a special one, because my son is so special to me.

It’s Friday, Dog Gone It!

This was my wake-up call this morning. This is why I love Fridays! For new readers, the adorable lab on the left is Ralphie and the beautiful collie on the right is Josie. They are my fur babies, as my four babies are growing up and leaving me. 😉 There are a few funny fur baby stories in my blog. Search up their names and you’ll find the fun posts. New readers, I don’t probe the depths of my mind, heart and soul on Fridays. I keep it light and airy and list three favorite items that have added fun and delight to my life, therefore I call it Favorite Things Friday. Please check out previous Friday posts for other favorites and readers, please, please share your favorites in the comments. Nobody bites here. My readers are all really cool (like me 😉 )! Plus, as I’ve told some friends, I’m running out of favorites. Here we go:

No 7 Laboratories Line Correcting Booster Serum – Damn, I really like this stuff! A woman working at Walgreens used her male manager as an example and took some before and after pictures, after about 3 weeks of him using it. After seeing those pictures, I bought two tubes. I have really big smile lines. I like to think this is because I laugh a lot, but they look like parentheses and parentheses in bold, when I just have a blank stare on my face. I have noticed a definite reduction in these lines since using this serum. The great thing about this stuff is that it won’t break the bank (find it at Walgreens and Target), a little goes a long way and it looks scientific.

Mateo’s Gourmet Salsa (medium) – I love Mexican food! I love spicy food! I have been known to drink salsa that I like. Mateo’s is my favorite all-time, holy grail salsa. It’s not too chunky. It has just the right amount of spice, and you can buy it in bulk at Costco. What more do you want in a salsa?? Ole!!

Sprayway Glass Cleaner – This is an aerosol glass cleaner that works amazingly well, but that is not why I love it. I actually wish that it weren’t an aerosol, but I have done my research to see that aerosols have been regulated in the U.S. to stop their ozone depleting properties. Still, the reason why I love this stuff is that it smells fabulous! (and you regular readers know that the way to my heart is through my smeller) We have a glass top table in our kitchen that is always full of fingerprints, food residue and dog nose smudges. Sprayway takes this all away in one swoop, keeping the glass clear and mama’s nose in Heaven!

Have a great weekend! Thanks as always for your wonderful support!!

“I’m going to need Friday off for a reason I’ll think of by Monday.” – someecards

Too Many Friends

“A lot of people are going to dislike you, for reasons valid and not. A whole lot of people. This seems like it should be upsetting. What it really is, is freeing.” – 30secondtherapy (Twitter)

My eldest son once called us excitedly to tell us that he had gotten a bid to join a fraternity. The next day he called us, even more excited, to tell us that he had decided not to accept the bid. He explained that he had spent so much time trying to impress everyone, that when he finally got some breathing time to look around, he realized that he didn’t particularly like or relate to, more than half of the people in the fraternity.

I remember a good college friend of mine lamenting about a woman who wouldn’t stop trying to be her friend, almost to the point of stalking her. Our college friend told a group of us that there wasn’t anything particularly unlikable about the woman, it’s just that my friend already had “too many f-ing friends.” (in her words)

Relationships are work. They take time, effort, money and emotion. Sometimes we just get spread too thin and we have to pick and choose. Sometimes are choices are rational and sometimes they are not. I never had nannies for my children, but had I picked a nanny, I would never have picked a pretty one. That is about my own insecurities, I understand, but it is the truth. The pretty nanny I would not have picked, might have felt rejected and not understood why. I would never have said, “Well, you’re too pretty,” but that would have been the truth. If we had nannies, they all would have had to look like Mrs. Doubtfire.

The point I am trying to make is the one above made by 30secondtherapy. One of my all-time favorite spiritual teachers/authors, Anthony de Mello had this to say:

“If you wish to understand this, think of a little child that is given a taste for drugs. As the drug penetrates the body of the child, it becomes addicted and its whole being cries out for the drug. To be without the drug is so unbearable a torment that it seems preferable to die. Now this is exactly what society did to you when you were a child. You were not allowed to enjoy the solid, nutritious food of life: work and play and the company of people and the pleasures of the senses and the mind. You were given a taste for the drug called Approval, Appreciation, Attention, the drug called Success, Prestige, Power. Having”
― Anthony de Mello, The Way to Love

Anthony de Mello says if we drop the need for approval, appreciation and attention from other people, who may or may not like us, for very rational or irrational reasons, we can just live our lives in peace and appreciation of all of the pleasures that life does has to offer. And at the same time, we allow others to do the same. As the 30secondtherapy quote points out, this is a very freeing way to go about our lives.

“If you try to please all, you please none.” – Aesop

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

“You wouldn’t worry so much of what others think of you, if you realized how seldom they do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Ego or Life?

I found the story about the college-entrance scheme that broke yesterday implicating wealthy parents who were basically bribing their children’s entrance into college, absolutely fascinating. As a mother of three college-aged children and one almost there, it made me reflect on how much our own egos are tied up into our children’s accomplishments, often to their detriment, even when the original motivation, is for our children’s best interests. The problem is that sometimes we lose sight of the difference between what is in our children’s best interests and what is our own competitive, egoistic vision of their best interests. Greedy, calculating people are fully aware of this enormous parental ego machine and big, profitable businesses have bloomed because of it.

I’ll never forget when one of my sons played little league baseball when he was about eight years old. Several little boys on the team, already had separate pitching and hitting coaches. My husband, who had been a college athlete, asked me at that time, “Do these parents realize that most of these kids won’t even make their high school baseball teams?” Yet, travel teams for kids’ sports has become the way. If a child doesn’t play on a travel team, he or she is unlikely to make their high school teams and many travel teams dissuade kids for playing on their high school teams anyway, as they see it as a disturbance to their travel team play and not high caliber enough. Of course, travel teams cost in the thousands to play, not including all of the travel costs, sometimes with teams going out of the country to play. Kids are pushed to such a degree, that several of them have had medical procedures and operations, once only known to professional athletes, who have played their sport for decades. I know all of this first hand. I was a travel soccer mom for years and years. Several of my least flattering moments were on the sidelines of the games my kids played in.

Academics has become equally ridiculously challenging and competitive. I remember seeing many kids crying at various math and academic competitions as their parents angrily chastised them for mistakes made. When my eldest son graduated from high school there were more kids at the ceremony with accolades such as Magna Cum Laude, behind their names than not, a full reversal from when I was a kid. The pressure our children are under, is tremendous. When two achieving young men (one an Olympic swimming hopeful) in my middle son’s 10th grade class killed themselves, I decided to research what is often the cause of teenage suicide. I found out that in cities like Palo Alto where every parent wants their child to go to Stanford, one of the most prestigious, elite universities in our country and therefore almost impossible to get admitted to, teenage suicide is rampant. Authorities in Palo Alto had to install guards at the railroad crossings at night, because kids were committing suicide, in that style, at an alarming rate. We just lost Kelly Catlin, an Olympic cyclist and Stanford graduate student, to suicide. I cannot imagine the pressure she must have felt, that the only safety valve that she found able to relieve that pressure, was to take her own precious life.

We need to wake up as parents. We need to stop seeing our children as extensions of ourselves and instead help to nurture who they are meant to become, not who we want them to become. My friend who works for a large home remodeling association, often complains about the shortage of skilled labor in the market. Not everyone is meant to go to college and many people can make a very nice, comfortable, fulfilling living using their hands to create, and to fix things that are broken. I think a big problem of today’s parenting style, is that we have orchestrated so much of our children’s lives (all in the spirit of misguided love and “keeping up with the Joneses”) that our children themselves, don’t really know who they are, what their real passions are, and what they want out of life. It’s sad.

The ego itself is not a bad thing. We all have an ego and that is what keeps us alive and moving and motivated and inspired to keep ourselves safe. It is that lack of awareness about our own egos that makes things run a muck and allows evil people and entities to take advantage of our fragile egos. When we are aware of what motivates us, we keep ourselves in check. Most of us love our children beyond life itself, so we want to always be sure that what we are doing for our children is truly motivated by our love and guidance for them, to find their own inner potential, strengths and interests. We don’t want our motivations for our kids to come from our egoistic, narcissistic aspects, that in the end will only bring more harm than good, not just for them and for us, but also for society as a whole. When people bloom into what truly excites and motivates them, when people truly live and breathe their own passions, not for the accolades, but for the passion itself, we all benefit. I think that is what is meant by the idea that we are all One. In the end, we all have learned about a handful of the same few historic figures over the years, who have helped shaped our lives as we know it. Most of us aren’t going to be in that handful and I venture to say that what we have learned about those few stand-out historic figures, may not even be the truth, but just skewed stories from other people’s and other time’s perspectives. None of us are going to leave this world with anything, not even with our bodies. However, the innovations, the state of the natural environment, the governments, the religions, the businesses, the arts, the relationship styles etc. is what makes us One. These elements of life are our legacy and all of these elements of life are best when the individuals who make them up, are at their most authentic best. Our job as parents is to be gentle guides and nurturers, so that this Life that we are living and creating together, becomes the fulfillment of the beautiful One that it is meant to be.

There Are Two Sides of the Brain

As I’ve mentioned, we have some bathroom/laundry renovations going on at our home right now. A very nice young man is supervising the project and he seems to be doing a lot of the woodwork, many times solo. When the project first started and there were a few men here, I heard the soft sounds of country music in the background. However, as it became time for the woodwork and it was solo time for the young man, I didn’t hear any music being played. I heard a woman speaking with a prim, crisp British accent. Curious, as I am a naturally curious person, I found myself wandering over to the corner of the house where they are working, under the guise of offering refreshments, honestly, to see what the woman’s voice was all about.

From what I could tell, it became obvious to me that the young man was listening to recorded books as he did the work on our house. I was so admittedly, pleasantly surprised. I have three “young men” sons myself, and honestly, I think that they would be listening to rap music (or sometimes zany podcasts), if they were in this young man’s shoes. It was also a self-awareness moment for me. I already had preconceived notions of what young men listen to, what they are interested in and maybe even a little bit of “if you are a tactile person with talents like woodworking, you aren’t a cerebral person who likes books.” Damn, this self-awareness movement has me looking at myself in a whole new light and sometimes, it ain’t pretty!

Here’s the best part. The curious part of me who doesn’t have a great filter, couldn’t leave it at that – I had to know for sure that he was listening to recorded books, I was curious about what book he was listening to and I was little disconcerted that he sometimes goes outside to cut wood and the English woman reading the book is still prattling on. Doesn’t he get confused and miss some of the good parts? Maybe he just gets lonely and likes to hear a voice in the background as he works?!?

So, one morning, while I probably hadn’t even pulled a comb through my hair yet (think bedhead), I just couldn’t help myself.

“Excuse me, I have a personal question for you . . . ” I said.

At this juncture, the young woodworker looked up at me in horror. Reflecting back, I wonder if he was thinking, “Oh gross! Another desperate, middle-aged housewife!” He had a very concerned, guarded look on his face. In retrospect, the curious part of me wonders if the renovation company trains these young woodworkers and plumbers on how to stave off advances (kind of like they do for young NBA players). It’s quite possible.

“Are you listening to recorded books while you work?” I asked quickly and furtively.

The young man still looked a little disturbed but relieved at the same time. This started a conversation between us about what book he was currently listening to and what his favorite genre of reading is (sci-fi/fantasy). It turns out that he is listening to Game of Thrones. I love the TV series of Game of Thrones, but he told me that they leave so much out in the TV remake and as always, the books are so much better. As for being concerned about missing sections, he told me that he has already read a lot of the books (over 700 pages each) and he has seen the show, so he can fill in a lot of the dots, when he misses a few pages being read. We, as two lovers of literature, had a really great conversation before he reminded me that he had to get back to work.

“The reality of life is that your perceptions – right or wrong – influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place.” Roger Birkman

I am so grateful that my curiosity usually overtakes my perceptions! I learn about life and those who live it, that way. And often reality is a hell of a lot more interesting than my perception of it. Isn’t that grand?

Ben’s a Meanie

Ben Franklin, one of our greatest founding fathers, was also an incredible inventor. He invented the lighting rod, swimming fins, street lamps, the odometer and bifocals, among other amazing discoveries. He never patented any of these life-changing inventions, forgoing any profits, as he considered them a gift to humanity. Contrary to belief, Ben Franklin didn’t actually invent “Daylight Saving Time” (by the way, there is no “s” after Saving if you are writing about it correctly – this was news to me, too) but he was a proponent of it. This just proves that nobody’s perfect, not even Benjamin Franklin.

I hate this “spring forward” part of Daylight Saving Time. This will most likely be the grumpiest Monday of the year, for me and my family. Why does losing that extra hour of real sleep feel like I didn’t sleep at all last night? Once again, just after I was getting used to seeing the early morning heartwarming, hopeful sunshine, I had to take my dogs out for their morning release, in the darkest of dark, praying that no alligators had climbed up out from the lake, into our yard hoping for a “Scooby snack.” (or in our case, a “Ralphie or Josie snack”) Undoubtedly, there is some clock in our house or in our cars, that we forgot to change and that will throw us for a loop. That will mean that I’ll be late getting my daughter to tennis practice or I’ll end up at a place of business that is already closed for the day. I’ve already prepared myself for the inevitable time confusion. It’s happened before. It’ll happen again.

Some states have refused to participate in DST. Arizona and Hawaii are looking like really appealing places to live, for me right now. Of course, their citizens will have to start doing the annoyingly confusing time-change math in their heads, if they are setting up web meetings or telephone calls with the rest of us crazies. Did I also mention that Ben Franklin invented the urinary catheter? I think that he may have had a mean streak.

Laughing Is Recommended

I think one of my favorite things about my family is how much we laugh together. Yesterday, I spent a beautiful (and increasingly rare, as our family grows up and out) day with all of my family members and some extended family members, too. The common theme and thread of the day, no matter what we were doing whether it be eating, or talking or playing games, was laughing. We crack each other up. We’re silly. We’re teasers. We laugh hard. We laugh loud. We laugh together and often.

Laughter has been proven by science to decrease stress hormones, lower one’s blood pressure, increase the release of endorphins and strengthen the immune system. Some studies suggest that if you laugh often, you may even increase your life span by a significant amount. Laughter really is the best medicine. Honestly, though, even if I found out it were bad for me, I wouldn’t stop laughing. It feels too good. I am so grateful to be surrounded by loved ones, who find life and those who live it, to be as amusing as I do.

“A good laugh is sunshine in the house.” – William Thackeray

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.” — W. H. Auden

“As soap is to the body, so laughter is to the soul.” — A Jewish Proverb

It’s a Feminine Saturday

Yesterday I made a point of saying “Happy International Women’s Day!” to every woman I came across. I was having routine bloodwork done and the woman at the lab and I, did a little dance together after I said it. My clerk at the Walgreens gave me extra coupons as we smiled at the proclamation, celebrating us. My barista at Starbucks gave me a high-five and told me that they were only playing female recording artists’ music all day. She said that she was going to try to negotiate with the manager to keep that going for the week. My daughter and I hugged when I gave her a funky little string of pink flamingo lights. It was a lot of fun and camaraderie!

I got to thinking, “Why aren’t we women this supportive of each other all of the time?” Sure, we’re nice to our friends and family, but then we seem to eye other women suspiciously. It feels like our competitive hackles come up more than they do when we are with men. It seems like we are quicker to judge and to mistrust and to blame other women for things than we do to men. I’ve mentioned this before, but in my first “real” job after college, I asked a female manager what was the hardest thing about being a woman in the work world and without hesitation, she said, “Other women.”

I hope with all of these movements going on, trying to progress society that we really make sure that we empower each other. I read a sign that said, “Empowered women, empower women.” I also saw one that said, “Real Queens fix each other’s crowns.” Yesterday, I really felt part of a sisterhood that went beyond the small circle of women in my life who I know and who I love. It felt really good. It felt right. It felt joyous. It felt like progression.

“There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” – Madeline Albright

It’s a Feminine Friday!

“A woman should be two things: who and what she wants.” – Coco Chanel

“Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.” – Unknown

“When there is a woman, there is magic.” – Ntozake Shange

Happy International Women’s Day!!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!! New readers, I keep it on the surface here on my favorite day of the week. I list three favorite items, songs, animals, foods, whatevers and I tell you why I like these favorite things. I encourage you to add to the list of favorites in the Comments section. Please also check previous Friday listings for other favorites. Without further ado:

Frontgate Pagoda Lantern – My very cool, interesting, intriguing, NYC dweller Great Aunt Alice loved a touch of Asian in all her decorating. I think that rubbed off on me. I love my foo dogs, my lucky cats, my three legged toads and my Frontgate Pagoda Lantern. Every time I look out at my pool area, I see the curly roof and the tall spire and it brings a little bit of glee to my heart. I have had mine for a few years now and it holds up well to the hot pelting Florida sun, and the torrential Florida downpours. Worth every penny!

Orvis Wine Barrel Lazy Susan – My mother taught me the value of a round table. It makes conversation flow so much better and no one gets “stuck” in the corner. My mother-in-law taught me the value of a Lazy Susan. I didn’t come from a big family, but she has five kids, so the first time I was introduced to a Lazy Susan was when I had dinner at my in-laws. You would never get the chance to eat hot food in a big family, if you were constantly asked to pass the salt, pass the mustard, pass the pickles, etc. The Lazy Susan eliminates the need for all of the pass requests. This Orvis model is particularly high quality and you can get your family’s name engraved on it, which makes it very special.

YogaToes – I’ve had many inspiring yoga instructors over the years, but one wise older woman really sticks out in my mind. She said that we must place particular care and attention to stretching our feet. It does seem that I know a lot of elderly people with a lot of feet issues that I would prefer to avoid in my elder years. She had an exercise where she would make us pick up pencils with our toes. She also recommended these toe separators to wear on occasion to make sure our feet don’t become deformed in our old age. They hurt a little when you wear them for a long time, but a little soreness beats foot surgeries any day!

I hope that you noticed that all of my suggestions today came from inspiration and recommendations from women! Today’s a good day to reflect on all of the good wisdom every one of us has gleaned from the beautiful women in our lives. Happy Friday! Happy Weekend! Just Happy!