My husband and I react quite differently to family situations that are emotionally charged. These situations typically hit me hard, like a tornado. I instantly feel every emotion involved surrounding the situation, and then some. I have outbursts. I cry. I scream. I laugh hysterically. I create instant, miles-long “to do” lists to try to bring back order and control to the current state of chaotic affairs. In short, everything relating to the situation, whether it is good or bad, or a mix of both, hits me all at once, and turbulently.
My husband, on the other hand, almost freezes. It’s like he sees the storm clouds coming, puts his hand up in the air and says, “Not yet.” While I am in my tirade, he is in the calm before the storm. It is at this point that I am usually screaming at him, “Don’t you care?!? Is this even affecting you?!? Aren’t you going to do something?!?”
Once we get through a particular family crisis, or even a family joy that we are dealing with, my tornado has long past. I’m back to my happy-go-lucky self. But it is different for my husband. His emotional storms don’t come in turbulent, violent cone clouds. His emotional storms are more like lingering, gray, heavy rain clouds than stay overhead and dampen his mood for a while. And this is usually the point where I am saying to him, “Get over it already, grumpy! See the bright side!”
Recently, we were dealing with yet another big change in our “in the major process of the emptying of the nest” family. My husband calmly stated to me, “I promise not to get upset with your outbursts, tears, and emotional surprises. I promise to understand where they are coming from, if you promise not to get upset with my moodiness and crankiness. Please understand where it is coming from.”
Damn. It took us almost a quarter of a century to articulate and to do our storm preparedness, in our relationship. Still, the sheepish smile of familiarity I felt inside when my husband said this and the joy of living with someone who “gets me” and trusts me “to get him”, has made all of the time and effort and energy of it all, all worth it. It makes the storms easier to weather. And the sunshine, all the sweeter.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger