For all of the bravado of our younger years, being young is actually a time of a lot of insecurity. A beautiful part of aging, is having all of the experiences under our belts that we’ve lived through, and enjoyed, or at the very least, conquered. When an incident arises which needs our attention, it is so good to fall back on the self-assurance, “I’ve gotten through worse than this, and I’ve come out better and stronger on the other side. I will figure this out. I always have.”
Sometimes when I see quotes like this, I think to myself, “Yes. I know. I trust myself, and my strength, and my faith to see me through, but do you know what? I’m a little tired of figuring sh*t out.” It turns out that life is often a big, long series of figuring stuff out – even the good stuff, like where to eat and what movie to watch. But as you age and you’ve proven to yourself that you are pretty good at figuring stuff out, this self assurance sure helps lighten the load.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Are you spending some time this week thinking about (and feeling around) your intentions for this summer? I am. I am thinking about my summer intentions probably more than I ever have done in my life. And it feels so good.
Last summer was an emotional doozy for me. Last summer my mother-in-law became quite ill, so ill, that her illness ultimately ended with her death this past December, after months of suffering. Also last summer, our youngest child and our only daughter decided to start college by going to campus and taking summer classes. And so my husband and I entered the rocky road of the beginning of our empty nest, already feeling rattled, unsettled and stressed. Reading over my journal from last summer, one word seems to come to mind that encapsulates it all: “turbulent.”
Lately, when I am with my family or my friends, I notice that we have already started to kind of “reminisce” about the beginning of the pandemic. The worst part of the pandemic seems far enough in the past that we can actually start to process the experience, and what it did to evolve us individually, and as a whole. We talk about how scary and isolating and disappointing the beginning of the pandemic was in so many ways, but we also surprisingly, have some fond memories, too. Last night at dinner, my daughter and I were both saying how much we loved our weekly family movie nights, especially when my daughter took it up a notch, with themed food and decorations. It seems, for many of us, enough time has passed that we can really start to examine our emotions, and our changes that have come from experiencing such a devastating event in our collective lives. This summer may be a start to some serious healing around this pandemic experience, for many of us.
My intention for this summer is to relax. Relax. Relax. I plan to do everything that I can to keep “my waters” still. I think still, quiet time is needed for me to absorb and to process everything that we have been through (good and bad), over the last few years. Luckily for me, I am a person who loves solitude. I actually crave it. Our youngest son moves to his own apartment and starts his first “real” job out of college this coming weekend. Our daughter is living at home this summer with us, but her schedule is filled with work, a couple of online classes, and catching up with local friends, so I actually see some actual, nice-sized blocks of peaceful solitude forming on my calendar. I am grateful for this fact. I’m fully aware of the old Yiddish platitude, “Man plans, God laughs.” But it is always in my solitude where I find God, so I like to think that God is as excited about my plans for big chunks of peaceful, calm, solitude, as I am.
Spend some time with your own summer intentions this week. If you don’t, your time will become unintentionally filled, and you’ll find yourself in a state in which you have no time to yourself, and for yourself. Intentionally block off some completely unscheduled time that is available for you to spontaneously do whatever you feel like doing in that particular moment. (no have-tos, just “want-tos”) Make an easily accessible, summer bucket list of local haunts where you like to go to: a cozy bookstore, an artsy jewelry store, the best ice cream place in town, a beautiful local park, and when you find yourself wondering what to do with some of your unscheduled time, you’ll have a list to jog your memory. Make these dates with yourself, every bit as important, if not more so, than other plans and commitments you have made, involving other people. Make yourself feel as obligated to yourself, and as embarrassed to cancel on yourself, as you would be for anybody else who you’ve made plans with this summer.
There is no better way to get back to your most steady, centered self than to luxuriate and savor being just with yourself. Summer often feels like the most heady, hazy, luxurious time of the year. It is the perfect time of the year to soak-in yourself, “take yourself in”, in order to revitalize and to restore yourself to your most vital state of being. Spend at least a few minutes meditating on your own summer intentions this week. You will be so grateful that you did this for yourself. Look forward to getting to know your deepest, most peaceful, undistracted self again.
“We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.” – Tamim Ansary
“Spending time alone in your own company reinforces your self-worth and is often the number-one way to replenish your resilience reserves.” – Sam Owen
“It is hard to love yourself if you never spend time with yourself. ‘Alone Time’ is Necessary.” – Izey Victoria Odiase
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
On a day that so many celebrate with picnics, I decided to look up the most popular picnic foods here in America. Besides the obvious hotdogs and hamburgers, I noticed that there were foods listed from every ethnicity. Empanadas, muffaletta sandwiches, chick pea hummus, caprese salad . . . . . This kind of “filled me up” a little. Our country is so great because so many cultures have created it. Interestingly, the most popular picnic food in our country is supposedly potato salad, and the reasoning for this is that you can make so many different varieties of it, that appeal to all different people. (French, Korean, German, Southern Style, Greek etc.) Our country is quite literally a melting pot.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
This quote below is poetic enough for Soul Sunday (a day that we devote to poetry on the blog.) When worded just right, the shortest of statements can hold a volume of poignancy and emotion that would otherwise get leaked and lost in unnecessary ramblings. “Unknown” is perhaps one of the greatest wordsmiths of our time.
None of us truly knows who/what we would die for (no matter what we think, or what we casually and dramatically declare), until we are actually faced with the ultimate, dire choice. Thank you, fallen soldiers. Thank you for your last breaths. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I heard an interesting advertisement for a podcast on the radio yesterday. The people on the podcast were talking about the fact that Generation Z are the first generation to have had all of their growing up “moments” plastered all over the internet on social media platforms like Facebook, and Instagram, and now TikTok, and how upsetting and embarrassing this can be for some kids, especially those that had their “cute/silly/funny/outrageous” posts go viral, and now having people curious to see them as “grown-ups.” The woman heading the podcast was questioning how many of us in the older generations would have wanted “those moments” (i.e., bathtub pictures, temper tantrums, crazy falls, etc.) that a few of our family members had on VHS tape, to be visible for anyone in the world who wanted to view it.
There are a lot of ramifications to how quickly our technology is advancing. And it is interesting that in some areas, we are only now starting to see and to discuss the effects of earlier technological advancements. I was strolling along a beautiful beach last weekend and I was noticing many, many young people sitting on the beach, posing themselves in all different contortions and taking photo after photo of themselves with their phones. (It seems like all kids these days, have their portfolio of “poses” down pat.) All of the while we were on a gorgeous white sand beach, on an extraordinarily beautiful day, with the water being at it’s-just-refreshingly-right-before-it-gets-to-be-lukewarm temperature. Have we conditioned all of our kids to be “child stars”? How often have actual “child stars” ended up with disastrous adult lives? How many of us would have chosen to shield our children from becoming actual Hollywood child actors?
It is interesting that at a time that technology is moving at seemingly the speed of light, there has also been a big movement towards conscious, be-in-the-NOW living, versus conditioned living. There is something inside of all of us, that seems to be screaming, “Let’s slow down. Let’s consider what is happening. Let’s notice what this feels like, and consider its ramifications. Let’s make conscious, deliberate, thought-out choices. We don’t have to move at the speed of discovery just because we can.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Friday!!! Happy Best Day of the Week!! Happy Memorial Day Weekend!! I hope that it’s a fabulous “unofficial” start to an amazing summer for all!! Before I get to my usual “Favorite Things Friday” favorite for the week, I want to get a little unusually serious, for a Friday on the blog, first. I need to get something that’s been wrangling around in my brain, down in writing. If you aren’t in the mood for some serious thought, please just scroll down to my favorite for today, as I typically like to keep Fridays on the blog, footloose and fancy-free.
Now the serious part: When I was reading some articles about Tina Turner earlier this week, I came across some film clips from the movie about her life,What’s Love Got to Do with It, starring Angela Bassett as Tina Turner. I then ended up on a clip of Angela Bassett in another movie from the 90s that I remember liking called, Waiting to Exhale. I vaguely remember enjoying both movies, decades ago. Watching these clips reminded me of what an amazing actress Angela Bassett is, in just about any role that she plays. The Waiting to Exhale clip was of Angela Bassett’s character, Bernadine, going ballistic when she finds out that her husband is leaving her for one of his employees. In the movie, Bernadine had given up everything of her own self, in order to support her husband and to help him to create his company, and she is feeling justifiably full of rage. As she is filling his high-end car, full of his high-end clothes from his enormous closet, before she lights it all on fire, (This scene underscores the proverb: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”), she is crying and ranting and raving. At one point Bernadine is angrily mocking something that her husband implied in the past, “I need you to be the f-ing background, to my foreground.” Ouch.
Background people are needed in every entity. Background people are typically what makes ‘the whole thing’ go round. Think about every music concert. There are a helluva a lot of background people – roadies, lighting, promoters, assistants, bands, managers, background singers, etc. that make the actual concert happen. The lead singer/star is in the foreground, but she/he couldn’t be in the spotlight, without all of the background players and staff. There is a time and a place for us all to be background players and support staff. The hive only has one queen. Still, sometimes we individuals tend to play it a little small, and we keep ourselves in the background, perhaps playing martyrs, when there are times that we need to let go of our fears and uncertainties, in order to venture into the foreground a little bit, of our own interests and lives. I think that in transition times in life, such as the newly empty nest, this is a good thing to ponder: “Where in my life do I need to step up into the foreground of my own choosing?” We women, especially, tend to take pride in being the supportive background players to our families, and to our spouses, and to our kids, and even to our bosses, and that’s great, and we don’t have to give all of that up, by also inching into areas of our own foregrounds. And as we discover and explore our own “foregrounds”, we can use this experience to learn how to ask for, and to lean on a little background help of our own.
Okay, that’s way too much seriousness for a Friday. What was I thinking?! As usual, I was thinking too much. My favorite for today, is my new favorite brand of mascara. (This happens a lot for me with mascara. I am fickle. I love one brand until I just don’t like it anymore.) I found this mascara at Sally Beauty Supply and it is my new “holy grail mascara” until it isn’t. This makes my slowly dwindling, shrinking, getting sparser with age, eyelashes pop, like they haven’t in a long time: Lime Crime Astronomical Volumizing Vegan Mascara (I am not clear why it is important to say that this product is “vegan” since I don’t know anyone who eats mascara, but c’est la vie. I’m open and learning.)
Have an amazing Friday and an outstanding weekend, friends!! See you tomorrow!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
My greatest beauty secret is being happy with myself. – Tina Turner
RIP – Tina Turner. That voice, those legs, the hair, that huge, gorgeous, light-up-the-room smile . . . what a loss. We were lucky to have her, and her resilience and the inspiration that we all got from her ability to spring back, and own her worth, and share her glorious talent.
I honestly read Tina Turner’s quote above, just a couple of weeks ago, before she passed yesterday, and when I read it, I thought to myself, “That’s the absolute truth.” Whenever I have gotten compliments about how I look, it’s never about my hair being just right, or the outfit being perfect, or my body being in excellent shape. No. It’s always at a time when I feel completely radiant and excited about life. The light of happiness always shines through, and it attracts others like moths to a flame.
I believe that we are all attracted to the light of happiness in other people because happiness is what everyone wants. Everything that you do, or you achieve, or you buy, or you strive for, is because you believe that “whatever it is” will give you the end product of the feeling of “happiness.” We all so easily forget that happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy no matter what. Yes, is happiness harder to achieve when loved ones are sick, or we are injured, or “times are tough” or “finances are tight”? Sure, of course it’s harder to feel happy during these times in our lives. These times in life bring up a lot of turbulent emotions, but you can work through these emotions. You can always get back to your baseline of “happy with myself”, as Tina Turner puts it, when you compassionately accept your own feelings, work through them, and look in gratitude at your own life, and your own experiences, and your own resilience, and then just bask in the awe of the very experience of being alive, as the one and only you, in a world teeming with beauty and astonishments, everywhere you look. If you work through what’s bothering you, and you come to an acceptance of “what is”, wondrously notice that even if “what is” hasn’t changed and maybe even will never change (a chronic illness, an annoying boss, a tummy bulge, a loved one with an addiction, etc.), you can come to an unbothered, detached state about it. You can still find your base level happiness in any situation . You can deliberately clean off the lens of fear, and uncertainty, and of anger, and of pain, and your own light can brightly shine through it all.
There are people in this world who are physically “perfect” specimens in this world, and yet they are not beautiful, because when a person is unhappy, they are dim. Their energy is dark and cold. The people in this world, who other people are most jealous of, are the people whom others perceive to have things that we believe would make us feel happy . . . fame, beauty, wealth, love relationships, etc. But the truth is, happiness is an inside job. Nothing outside of you can make you happy. Nothing. You can get fleeting feelings of satisfaction and joy, but think about how many times that you have achieved one of your goals, and how surprised you are in the end, that it didn’t quite fill the hole like you were expecting “it” to, and how quickly you move on to a new goal or aspiration.
If you want to be one of the most beautiful, rare, exquisite people in this world, make it your highest goal to be “happy with yourself.” Make it a daily project to find your inner peace, satisfaction, and happiness. Make it your daily practice to constantly bring your mind around to thinking thoughts of gratitude, curiosity, authenticity, acceptance, kindness, hope and light. When you are in that state of happiness, notice it. Feel it. Describe to yourself what it feels like in every molecule of your body. Give your happiness “muscle memory.” Know that this constant light of peace, acceptance, knowingness and happiness resides in all of us, and make it your main goal to let your own light shine. Let your own light shine so bright that others remember that they have that same light inside of their own selves, too. Happiness is everyone’s greatest beauty secret, available to all.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I love this quote. My editor (aka my husband) will read one of my blog posts about something that we both experienced, and he’ll say, “Wow, I didn’t see the story in that, but you did.” And sometimes he’ll try to correct little details to my stories because his memory is different than mine. (And then I’ll get mad, and I’ll insist that my storyteller persona deserves a little creative license) I digress. My overall point is, I do believe that most of us writers, remember a lot of seemingly inconsequential happenings, and we do “remember big.”
The other day, my friend sent to our group chat, a picture of her poor sick baby, all nestled, under warm blankets on the couch. Her baby is now home from college, and immediately came down with some nasty virus going around. Nestled right next to her baby, was my friend’s family’s fur baby, an adorable Yorkie named Skipper, who has been the longtime, perfect family dog, for a family who consists of three beautiful, vivacious daughters. When I texted how cute it was to see Skipper, being right there, comforting one of the beautiful daughters, my friend said that Skipper has always been the family comforter. She then texted a picture of Skipper nestled up, right next to my friend’s father-in-law who had been in hospice care in their home, a few years ago, before he died. “They’re always our wingmen,” I replied. And everyone on the chat agreed. We all love our dogs.
When we visited our son, who attends medical school in a different city, over this past weekend, I noticed a trio of pictures, placed above his computer in his apartment – a place where I imagine that our son spends a great deal of time. The left side picture was one of he and his two brothers, confident and arm-in-arm, on one of our family trips to the great outdoors, the right side picture was of he and his longtime girlfriend, laughing together on the beach, but the middle picture was a giant blow-up of our Labrador retriever’s face. Ralphie, our lab, does have a beautiful, soulful, expressive face. I believe that the picture reminds our son that he has a big, yellow, loyal, goofy, but brilliant wingman, who loves him immensely and unconditionally, and this wingman doesn’t even understand nor give a hoot about medical school. My son’s soulful wingman only cares to be there (even if only in picture form) to be a devoted, supportive form of comfort. How beautiful it is that our furry wingmen feel their own highest form of love and comfort, by just being it.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ My Word-of-the-Day daily email taught me “argle-bargle”, today. This is what the meaning is of argle-bargle: “Copious but meaningless talk or writing; nonsense.” It’s a great word. I’ve honestly never seen the word, “argle-bargle”, nor heard the word, “argle-bargle” other than today (honestly, sometimes the Word-of-the-Day tends to get a little “out there” and obscure when it comes to their word choices, in my opinion, but I’m hooked. I read the words daily and I even sometimes try to incorporate some of these words into my own argle-bargle, as I am doing so today.) Admit it. Argle-bargle is a fun word. Try saying it three times fast: Argle-bargle. Argle-bargle. Argle-bargle.
+ The best quote I have read this week (and you know that I love me some great quotes) is this one: “The future has an ancient heart.” – Carlo Levi (Incidentally one of my most kind and loyal, longtime readers, Gail, recommended a book in my Comments recently, and I immediately downloaded it. It is an excellent book and this is where I read the quote. The book is called Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, who also wrote Wild, which was made into a movie starring Reese Witherspoon) Anyway, “The future has an ancient heart” speaks to me. It is so true and so comforting. It suggests that whatever we are meant to do, and to learn, and to become, is already imprinted in our most primal, wisest DNA. It will find its way out, through many channels, in our lifetimes, individually and collectively. If you ever need to just “let go”, use this quote as your mantra. It’s now going to become one of my own regular mantras. Thank you, Gail, for your most excellent recommendation. This line from the book, alone, is life-changing.
+ I had an experience over the weekend that I’m sure could have probably made a viral Tik-Tok (although I’m honestly not a Tik-Tok fan, so I don’t really know. I’ve always preferred words over video.) We were visiting our son in a major city in our country, and while he was doing his schoolwork, my husband and I visited a swanky section of town for some lunch and some shopping. I found a delightful boutique full of unusual artsy stuff (my favorite kind of shopping) and I decided to purchase a bracelet in the shop. My husband was doing his own thing outside (small artsy boutiques are not his favorite kind of shopping. I’m not sure that my husband actually has a favorite kind of shopping.) The cashier was perhaps a few years older than me (probably in her late 50s) and she mentioned that this boutique was not actually her store, but it was her daughter’s store, and she was just trying to help her daughter out for the afternoon. What ensued next became two technologically challenged middle-aged women trying to figure out how to pay for my item, with the daughter on a Facetime call, trying to guide us through the whole process (“I think that we press this button” . . . “No! No! No! Don’t press that button!” . . . .”The green one!! Green!!”) and then for the cherry on top, add-in the shop-owner’s father, also a technologically challenged middle-ager, who did not have his readers on, and thus promptly pressed a “7” instead of a “1” which almost made me pay seven times what I was supposed to pay, if we hadn’t been saved by hearing his daughter screaming through the phone: “Abort! Cancel the transaction! RED button! RED!!” In the end we got “the system” to work correctly, and I paid the fair price for my lovely bracelet. And the whole time I was thinking, if my kids had been in the shop and had gotten this on video, I might be Tik-Tok famous right now.
+Congratulations, you made it to the end of today’s argle-bargle.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’ve come to learn that being a mother means that you will regularly have a constant stream of difficult goodbyes, starting when your baby first leaves your womb. And from that excruciating, and yet exhilarating moment, the goodbyes just keep flowing, on and on and on. You say a goodbye, filled with light-sleeping trepidation, when your baby sleeps in the nursery for the first time. You kiss your baby a million times over, and you leave a list of reminders, dozens of pages long, when you leave your baby with a babysitter for the first time. You pry your baby off of your leg the first time you leave your baby at preschool, and then you pry your own fingers off of the door handle of the classroom, and you force yourself to go home. You bravely wave goodbye when your baby steps on to the bus to go to school for the first time. (Usually with sunglasses on, to hide your tears) You go through first dates, graduations, and you help your babies unpack for college, and new apartments, and new adventures, and then when you tell yourself that hopefully you have done everything in your power to help your babies be all set for this particular new adventure in their lives, you let go of your babies, and you say goodbye. Again and again and again. It’s a constant cycle of goodbyes, and the goodbyes never seem to get any easier. It could be that the goodbyes are so hard, because we mothers always carry the background fear that this particular goodbye could be the last goodbye to your baby, and that is about the worst thing any of us mothers can possibly fathom. And yet I know women who have gone through the final goodbyes with their babies, and they are here. And they are still filled with hope, and with life, and with brave, openhearted love to give. I think that there is nothing stronger in this world than a mother’s heart because it has to practice the wrenching process of saying goodbye, again, and again, and again, and yet it constantly replenishes itself with love to share, hope to shine, and strength for the future. A mom constantly extends her heart with a firm hug, a pat on the back, and a “you’ve got this, baby” confident goodbye. And then she turns around, she wipes her tears, and she excitedly anticipates the next “hello.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
