I’ve been seeing a lot of funny memes on Twitter, making fun of the “inevitable” annoyances and aggravations that can occur when everyone gets together and groups around the table for holiday meals. We’re having a small Thanksgiving this year, being just the six of us in our immediate family. We are used to each other’s quirks and proclivities, so I don’t anticipate any real upsets. Honestly, since my older two boys haven’t been home in a while, I am still walking around with a silly perma-grin on my face, and a giggle always at the top of my throat.
Still, it’s amazing how the random brouhahas can seem to blow up out of nowhere, whenever two or more “adults” are gathered, in the spirit of hope and good cheer. Ghandi said to “be the change” you want to see in the world. Perhaps, it would be easier to start small. “Be the change” you’d like to see around the Thanksgiving table. What would that look like? If I could pick out my ideal holiday dinner companions, they would be kind. They would be fun and funny. They would share the conversation, not dominate it. They would not use the dining room table as a pulpit or a political lectern or a spotlighted stage. They would not employ veiled passive-aggressive statements and judgments. They would savor the moments, and the food and the drink, instead of gorging and rushing to the end. They would be grateful and gracious and peaceful and helpful and pleasant and polite. They would roll with the punches and keep perspective. (So what if something got burnt or something got spilled or the dog ate a crescent roll?) They would be quick with a laugh and a compliment and a hug. They would be self-deprecating, and quick to offer the benefit of the doubt. Instead of trying to make everything a “Hallmark image”, they would look around their table using only the eyes of their souls, in order to see and to experience something far greater than any uncomfortable, staged, fake event. These dinner companions would be nothing short of wonderful and lovely.
Now, finally, at this middle-aged staged of my life, I fully understand and accept that the only person’s behavior which I can control, is my own. I suppose that I have created a good formula above, for whom I would like to see at my holiday functions. What I know, is that I have created a good formula above for who I can aim to be at my holiday functions. It looks like I have my work cut out for me, and this work doesn’t have anything to do with cooking or cleaning and setting tables. This work is all about focusing on keeping my expectations about others in check, and yet also, keeping high aspirations for myself and my own attitude and behaviors.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.